As if one thing wasn't enough, they had to add another thing on top of it:
Your partner doesn't want to be with you any longer, and they have to try to comfort you – to make you feel better.
What most of the “Dumpers” simply fail to understand is: they CANNOT give any comfort.
They can provide as much comfort, as a drug would to a drug addict.
But I don't blame them.
I've been both, “Dumpee” and “Dumper.” The truth is when you care, none of these roles is a walk in the park.
There are certain rules you can follow to break up gracefully, yes, but most of the “Dumpers” have never heard of this.
The result is – they say stupid things that make you hate them, and prolong your healing time.
I've listed below 10 of the worst phrases dumpers have thrown at my readers, as reported in the emails I receive.
Hopefully, YOU will not make the same mistakes in the future.
1. “We can still be friends.”
This is an all-time classic.
There are actually three things behind this:
- The dumper thinks that being friends with you will make it easier
- The dumper doesn't want you to disappear completely from their life, (but also doesn't want you IN their life)
- The dumper wants to take advantage of you in some way, (friends, sex, influence, etc.)
The no-contact rule demands that there is no friendship after a breakup, and this is proven to be the best way to go.
Period.
2. “It's not you, it's me…”
This is something utterly stupid to say.
When you are looking for an answer, an explanation, then this answer will confuse you completely.
3. “I love you still, but…”
This sentence is also a big no-no.
I admit that there can be situations where the Dumper honestly thinks that they still love the person they are breaking up with. But that doesn't make it ok to say it.
I understand that the dumper might think that it's easier for the one left behind, but trust me, it isn't.
On the contrary, it is MUCH harder to hear that your Ex still loves you.
“Then why is he breaking up with me?”
This is a legitimate question, which the Dumper never could answer in a way that the Dumpee understands it.
There are some more stupid phrases in the same category:
- “I will always love you.”
- “I'm always there for you.”
- “I have loved you so much.”
- “You are and always will be someone special to me.”
- “I don't want to lose you.”
These are all terrible statements you really don't want to hear from your Ex who's breaking up with you.
4. “I am simply not the relationship type.”
This is a classic one.
People have written me that they've heard this one after several years of being together. With this background, such a sentence is only a slap in the face, and an insult.
5. “I am not good enough for you.”
This is usually followed by, “You deserve better than me.”
This one, while also meant to give comfort, accomplishes the opposite.
6. “I need time to think.”
The next thing you are going to hear after this is usually, “We should take a time-out.”
This happens a lot and is almost always a sign of cowardice:
The dumper had the plan to break up but pulled the plug. Instead, they are postponing the problem, at the cost of the one left behind.
The following “time-out” will be Hell for them: they don't know whether they have been dumped or not.
The uncertainty is just unbearable.
In this case, I recommend for you to reply:
“I don't want a time-out. You have to decide right away whether you want to continue the relationship or not!”
7. “That's life!”
Yes, life means making experiences, the good and the ugly – but I don't need YOU to tell me this during the breakup, dear Dumper!
8. “I really don't want to hurt you.”
I'm sure you don't want to hurt the one you're breaking up with, but I've got news for you: You ALWAYS do.
It's impossible to break up with someone without hurting.
That's a fact.
All you can do is follow some rules and try to make it as graceful as possible.
That's hard, of course, but doable.
9. “I'm sure that I will regret this.”
Now, what's that supposed to mean? Is this a hidden clue that it might later come to reconciliation?
While this is very often just an expression the Dumper throws in without thinking about it, the Dumpee will not forget it.
In fact, this single expression will most likely lead to harmful “overthinking.”
10. “I don't know what I want.”
This is very often an attempt to draw attention to them, hoping to distract from the horrible situation that is happening.
If it's followed by something like, “my life is a mess,” then the Dumper is trying to be pitiful.
They don't know what they want, but they still want to break up.
Don't play this game.
Conclusion
If you are the Dumper, then please avoid sentences like this.
I'm sure you have best intentions, but they can only do harm to the person left behind.
Plan ahead what you are going to say, be clear in your intention and leave no doubt. That's the best you can do.
If you are the Dumpee and your Ex throws sentences like this at you, try not to take them to heart. Ignore them the best you can.
All the information you need is that your partner wants to break up with you, as painful as that might be.
The best you can do is to forget everything they say while breaking up, how they say it is not relevant.
The consequences of it are hard enough to deal with – don't burden yourself with the details.
Now it's your turn: What have you heard from your Ex that you really hated? Please list those phrases in the comment section.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
i heard in the pass i will come back for u in the future i will always be there one phone call away wtf tha mean excuse the language
How do I stop thinking of such a fool I was.
“Come back end of the year k? Take a year away but come back at the end. I'll be waiting for you.”
He's already seeing someone new and the one year isn't up yet.
We arent compatible after he has had other women company, we live 100 miles from each other… & an ex's card I found saying ” I will always love you”… didn't know she had even came over….
When we broke up, he told me he needed a time to focus on his kids and not ready for any relationship right now. The fact is in the next month he already got a new gf. Then now he keeps wanting to meet me with a reason because i mentioned i wanted to talk “about us” (i did mention this before he got his new gf).
Doesn't he realize that there is NO “us” anymore once he got a new gf. And I just don't understand why he keeps wanting to see me when he's having someone new now. It shows to me that he is a LOSER!! I don't regret we broke up now.
She said “I just need time to be single. I love you so much, and I want to marry you, but I need to be sure of myself as a single person.” And you're right, now I just wonder if I should wait or move on… her texting me and emailing me when she is really sad (or drunk) doesn't help either. But I just don't know if we will ever get back together. I know I gotta move on, but we only broke up so she could “learn to love herself” and she said she'd be back 100% but was terrified I wouldn't be here. It's so hard to try to move on… especially because I want to be here for her IF she comes back AND she just keeps texting me. I asked her yesterday to never contact me unless she is sober and ready to meet up– she agreed to…
Don't just react to what she does; you decide your own course of action and just move on, regardless of how she behaves and what she does or doesn't do. Stop letting her run your life. You deserve to be with someone who cherishes you.
I was dumped my boyfriend about a month ago, we had been together for a year and a half. We were very much in love. He told me that we were best friends, how much he loved me and planned a future with me. It made me all the more heartbroken when he split up with me because he felt I was selfish and that his needs in the relationship weren't being considered. I didn't hear from him afterwards and he saw how upset I was. He told me that he did love me, which confused me. I rang him a week later and we both said we missed each other and again he said he did love me. This made it even more painful to bear. I thought we had something special together. It's as if he's now just cut me out of his life completely, although he did say he would like to be friends. I'd find that unbearable. I know I have to move on and if he does love me he'd come back. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be as they say. I know that you can't force a relationship, it has to happen naturally.
I techinically wasnt “dumped” because we never officially dated. He was with another girl and him and I fell in love. They ended their relationship about a week ago and I figured he would be with me…WRONG! He was a complete jerk to me these past 5 days. Anyways I saw him last night at the club and He came to my house afterwards to gather the rest of his belongings he said to me” I love you, your the one that I want to be with, but I dont want a sexual relationship with you. We need to maintain a friendship before we could ever start a real relationship” Yea wtf??? completly confusing btw he had a hickey on his neck and his excuse for that was it didnt mean anything and he made himself sound better by sayinh he didnt dance with anyone at the club..idk what to think:(
I don't know so much about all that… My ex did that the first time around… “You're a cool chick and none of this is your fault”, that didn't hurt my ego as much. The second time around, I got “I met this other girl…”, “It's numerous of things, you need to grow up and figure it out for yourself.”, “I just don't want to settle for you.”, and “You're just another person to me.”
Honestly, I would've had an easier time getting over him had we just kept it at the first break-up. :/ The things he said the second time after I called him a few times afterwards… Well, I wish I never had to hear.
I was with my ex for 2 years at almost the end of high school. We were so close, despite pretty much always being shaky for various reasons. We broke up officially a few months ago, but only Really split one month ago when she got with a rebound, a poor excuse for a man.
Unfortunately we still go to the same school. I have to see her every day and in the same class twice a week. Worse still, I'm almost forced to see her with her new 'partner' every week when we get lunch down the road from the school. She's told me “she's happy now” but I know that's a lie.
Worse still, she's making me hate her.. I've asked her continously to sit away from where me and my friends have for the entire year but she refuses. Even though she KNOWS I need the space to get over her. She laughed in my face. She called me pathetic. And she knows exactly how I feel, even telling me earlier that if she was me, she'd be dealing with it half as well. After that fight at school, when I got angry, I was told she posted on Facebook “Cheers for showing everyone how much of a douchebag you are”.
I've been consumed with hate. I've visualised revenge, to get her to leave me to get space. I've even planned it out. I'm sick of being the victim. But I'm trying to avoid it. Hopefully I can. The way she's suddenly been acting…
I'm slowly improving, avoiding her the best I can despite this obstacle. I figured it's about time to get my ass out of the depression I've made for myself. But each time I see them together, it all comes flooding back! The most frustrating thing is that no matter how much I hate her, I still feel that protective instinct.
We wanted to be friends after this all blows over. But it's gone way past that point now…
After almost 5 years together:
“I'm still young.. I don't want to be in a committed relationship. I want to be free to date anyone I like. Perhaps we could try again when I'm 26 or 27…” (a few weeks prior to entering a what has now been 7-month relationship with another guy)
Sobbing: “He's not you.” (After I once foolishly asked her if he loved this new guy)
“You will always be my first true love, and you helped me become who I am today. I'll never forget you for that.”
re: “You will always be my first true love, and you helped me become who I am today. I'll never forget you for that.”
it's like, oh you are welcome. I'm glad you used me to make yourself a better person for someone else. Ugh, if an ex is going to use a line, at least put some thought into it and make it better! Or-a crazy idea- BE HONEST!
By the way, here is an almost perfect thing to say to your Ex when breaking up (I read in a book by Abraham-Hicks):
But i don't understand the last part Eddie. It would be confusing if my ex had said that to me. “I am not telling you goodbye forever” sounds like he wants to take a break which is completely the opposite of what was said in the beginning. And if he isn't saying goodbye forever, should't you with the NO Contact policy. Im just curious?
That's why I wrote “almost” perfect.
I also think that one shouldn't create false hope, even if that part of the quote perhaps wanted to say something different than “maybe we'll get back together again”. I just wanted to cite the quote “as it is”.
Something is missing…
My dad and step mom broke up before they got married…
I can see us being happy till we are 30 or 40 but what if this question of “what is missing” comes up again.
These were a couple of the crap-tacular reasons i was given. Followed by this e-mail.
“Thanks for respecting what I have to do, I do love you. And wish you all the best.”
I should't have expected anything less. He was a coward and was never truthful with me. I still wonder why i am so surprised.
Have given any advice as to what you should say?
Here's a guide to breaking up gracefully: http://lovesagame.com/how-to-break-up-with-somebody-in-7-steps/
funny thing:
i actually broke up with my ex because i felt that he didn't care anymore.
but as we had a chat on the phone (long distance relationship), he actually said those things to me.
so even though i ended it, he's the one who dumped me.
he said: things were kinda heading that way mainly due to his actions.
he didn't mean to hurt me and he's sorry for that.
also he still had a lot of my stuff at his place which he'd do whatever i wanted him to with.
he'd still love me and i'd always have a special place in his heart but that it would be better that way right now.
and as such he would like us to remain friends though if that's possible.
also he stopped saying “i love you” at the end of phone calls and barely contacted me anymore anyway. he was very very distant and i knew right away something was wrong.
it developed gradually but in the end it went down hill pretty fast.
i knew right away this was it, it was over, so i ended it, still hoping that he'd say something to save the relationship.
but he agreed and actually said he was surprised that i thought so, too.
well, i didn't think so too! I just knew that he did, and couldn't take it any longer….
and actually, in this case, i very much refer to the quote: I don't miss him, i miss the person that I thought he was.
We were very happy in the beginning, everything seemed perfect.
But then his ex had his child and things changed from fairytale to reality, only it took 8 months since the birth for the relationship to break.
long painful 8 months were i kept hoping for better days to come.
if only we had broken up earlier, i would be over him by now.
but i've learned my lesson and i know now: i need to trust my insticts and put my heart first…
and never ever again mistake passion for the real love….
my ex just said 7/10 of those when he broke up with me…and really confused me big time…
many things have been said and done and i know we will not be back together… and he had moved on and has a new gf after 2 weeks of the break up… PS… his girlfriend is the same girl that i had issues with when we were together…
just thankful that now i know… i deserve someone better
This just happened to me. Not one even a week later he was calling a girl we has issues about the whole relationship of 2 years. Sucks because we all go to the same gym… so messed up.
'this wouldn't be so hard if you weren't so nice'. 'i loved you the most'. (while sobbing)
“When we are in our 50s we should be together, by then I would have fixed the problems I need to be fixed. Or when you lose weight, you'll be more confident” (fyi: my ex is 28 and I'm 31 )
WTF?????????? Really? This pisses me off. It is so hurtful!
My Ex broke up with me last night. He was my first crush in elementary school way back in 3rd grade. But we hadnt talked for many years till this one. He seemed like Mr. Right, he has my kind of humor, we have things in comon, and we had fun together. So we dated about a week ago we were susposed to hang out after i got off of work. So when I got off I waited for him where we had planned to … after 20 min of it he still didnt show then a half hour later i get a facebook message on my phone saying he had to take care of business in DC and he was soooo sorry. I was pissed still because he didnt have the decency to call me at work or my cell and let me know. Then tuesday night when I returned from my flordia vacation we had plans to hang out at the local carnival. Once agien i couldnt get a hold of him and he was a no show for it… the best part is he didnt talk to me for 3 days after and on the forth day I get we need to talk. then he tells me ” i think we need to break up. Ive been a dick. A bad boyfriend. Im just not ready for a relationship. Im sorry its me not you. Your way to good for me. And you can do way better. Well i got to go bye.” and that was the end of it …
“I'm a mess, who would want to be in a relationship with me? I don't want a relationship. Besides, you're not someone I'd seem myself being in a relationship with.”
And then when I asked what we were doing, according to him, if we weren't building a relationship he replied,
“We have hot chemistry and get along so well. We are dating and in the long run we are building a friendship.”
I told him I'd never heard of that concept before! Dating to build a friendship?!
So then I called him out on the fact that he wasn't calling or texting as much as he used to. He responded, “You're hurting me by saying I'm not making an effort when I *am*. I can't talk about this anymore because you said that, I'm shutting down!”
The conversation got really messy and he kept shutting down. I told him I wanted space, not to 'get out' of breaking up, but because I was generally confused and overwhelmed by the messages he was giving me and emotional/angry/unsure. I needed to step back and really think about whether this was good for me. He lives 4 hours away so he just climbed into my bed and slept over without asking. He tried to make out with me, but I nudged him off. In the morning, I opened my eyes and he was awake, sitting above me.
“I'm confused now, because we are being sweet to each other and sleeping in the same bed.” What was I going to do, throw him in the street for the night? There wasn't a couch for him to sleep on. Then he said, “I think we should just build a friendship because what if one of us decides we don't want to date anymore while we are taking space?”
“Like I said last night, I want space from you and from dating you. That means no talking about our relationship. If one of us wants to date after that and one doesn't, then we won't date.”
“Oh okay, so we can be friends then.”
UGH!