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Everybody knows that it‘s a devastating experience to be left by someone you really love, be it a break up or divorce. We all have gone through this at least one time in our life. But the fact that it is also very difficult to be the one who actually leaves is something you only know if you have experienced it.
So, the question arises: how to break up with someone?
Relationships come to an end possibly, the reasons are numerous.
They all have in common that one member of the relationship is dissatisfied and pulls back. Maybe he has tried for some time to adjust the relationship according to his wishes. If this fails, he usually quits emotionally long before the actual break up. That is often the reason why the “dumpee” has the impression that the “dumper” is cold hearted—he left mentally months ago.
How to decide if the relationship should be ended or not?
They say that breaking up is hard to do
Now I know, I know that it’s true
—NEIL SEDACA
Here are some guidelines you can consider when taking into account to end a relationship:
- Does the relationship allow you to evolve according to your wishes?
- Does the relationship fulfill your needs?
- Is it possible to have goals together and achieve them?
- Does your partner accept you as you are?
- Can you resolve conflicts together?
- Are you feeling good in your relationship?
- Is the communication with your partner good?
If your answer to these question is in the majority “no” then it is probably time to move on.
So, you want to break up with your girlfriend/boyfriend and you don’t know how to do this? You’ve never done it before or wrong in the past and you could use a helping hand?
The first thing you have to realize is that there is no painless way.
It simply doesn’t exist. No magical words which take the pain away. It will hurt them and it may also hurt you. There is nothing you can do about this. You can only avoid some common mistakes and make it a little easier for them.
As you continue reading, you are about to learn the steps on how to break up with someone the best way. If you have made your decision, just use the following steps as a guideline.
How to break up with someone in 7 steps:
1. Keep a few days distance
It is very advisable to maintain some distance to your partner before you actually break up. This has many advantages. On one side you will gain some emotional distance, which is important to be able to go through the steps listed below.
On the other side, your partner will sense that something is about to happen and will hopefully emotionally prepare himself.
Just cut off contact for a week before. Do not give too much information, just say you’re busy.
2. Try to be sure about your decision
I know, that’s a tough one, especially when you love the person in question, or are very close to him/her.
Chances are that you were thinking about breaking up for a long time. You have come to the conclusion that you don’t fit together, have different expectations about life or were unable to resolve or get to the bottom of your conflicts. Maybe you have simply realized that you do not love your partner.
Either way, try to be sure that there is no chance of getting things right again. I wrote “try”, because I know that these things are not always easy to realize. You can be relatively positive on your decision, if you have tried for several times to work on your relationship by talking about your problems with your partner.
To help you with making the decision I suggest that you make a list with all the reasons why you want to break up and write a possible solution beside it. Then go through your list and reflect if you have done everything to solve the problems you’ve had.
By knowing the reasons for the upcoming break up you will on one hand be prepared for questions your partner might ask, on the other hand they will help you to cope with the break up yourself.
So, are you absolutely sure?
Next step.
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15 responses so far ↓
1 Shanna // Sep 14, 2007 at 9:19 am
The realization that there is no easy way out helped me a lot to make my decision. I was waiting for a better moment, for a certain occasion to make it easier but it would not come.
I was getting more frustrated every day. The article helped my decision along and now we got it done and I think we are both better of… and the pain will heal, I’m sure of that.
2 Chris // Oct 3, 2007 at 12:09 pm
Absolutely brilliant!
That made my decision much easier.
Thank you so much for this excellent article.
3 savekenny // Oct 3, 2007 at 8:45 pm
If you need to say it, but really don’t want to have a conversation, try using Pinger. You can send them a voice message, telling them exactly how you feel, without getting sucked into a dialogue. Also for when I you want to get a message out fast without having a long conversation. Try it at pinger.com
4 suzanne // Jan 6, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Pinger is not saying it in person, it’s like leaving a message on their answering machine, and that’s cold.
5 Manning // Feb 2, 2008 at 6:26 pm
The last rule is the most important; no contact should be made. I’ve always used this rule, but in my most recent breakup I’ve allowed my ex to call etc. She broke up with me. By calling and meeting in an attempt to be friends, I can’t put this thing to rest once and for all. I keep holding on and it’s tearing me up inside. I thought no contact was cruel but necessary in the past. But it’s not as cruel as not letting someone move on I’ve found.
6 Eddie Corbano // Feb 10, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Manning,
yes, we simply have to take responsibility for our Ex, even if they don’t want to.
There really is no point in staying in touch, you can’t help them and being friends is impossible at the beginning! The best you can do is helping them accepting the break up and moving on by maintaining no-contact.
7 Frank // Feb 24, 2008 at 8:01 pm
I am just now going through a break-up and all this information is gospel. I moved out in November and we remained friends, going out to dinner, the museum, movies, even spent Valentines Day together. Now it is Feb 24 and she has another man living with her. Get out!!! and make it Final!!! Don’t set yourself up for further heartbreak.
8 Anne // Feb 25, 2008 at 7:38 pm
There are at least 2 reasons why breaking up in person is not a good idea. The first is if the person is volatile or violent. Get out, get out fast, and get out quietly. Having an in-person breakup will exacerbate the person’s anger and could be dangerous. Second if the person is manipulative and if they use twisted dialogue to try to control or keep you. No doubt, you’ve tried to break up before and it didn’t work. Use your best judgement.
9 Tom W. // Feb 25, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Breaking up after 4 1/2 months!! She does not want to accept the breakup and is trying to use personnal information to keep me connected with her by threats and manipulation!! I am following some of the 7 steps to break up, although this is not easy with Heart Emotions still attached! I feel the Negative Energy from & around her that keeps me spinning inside!!
Thoughts or comments welcome,
Blessing’s, Thank you!!!!
10 Eddie Corbano // Mar 3, 2008 at 7:46 am
Tom, you have to make a clean cut. It’s better for her and for you. Believe me.
Cut off contact completely and avoid places where she could could be.
11 How To Break Up With Your Girlfriend… NOT // Mar 10, 2008 at 12:49 pm
[…] someone is how to make it painless for the other person. There are some basic things to consider on how to break up gracefully, but there is one fundamental truth you have to accept: there is no painless way to do […]
12 Angela // Apr 7, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Eddie I sat here reading this with tears streaming down my face - think that means it’s time to break up? (kinda rhetorical question there)
We are so different and we have completely different values which really became obvious to me when we had a big fight about being ‘positive’ about life of all things. I’m the person who likes to see the good in everyone and look on the bright side whenever possible and apparently that’s wrong. We’ve had our problems for months and months though and our relationship has been pretty much stand-still for a long time.
I just googled ‘how to break up’ and found your post. Thank you so much for the advice and I’m not 100% sure what to do but this has helped
13 Ann // Apr 12, 2008 at 6:52 pm
I just broke up with someone. I’m having a hard time of it because I still care about him a lot. He was shocked, if not devastated with the news. I don’t know what to do other than to get on with my life and make sure I don’t contact him.
I made it as clean as possible, but still feel like a bad person. I’m at a loss as to how I move on now. Thanks for your articles.
14 bernie // Apr 19, 2008 at 10:44 am
please dont feel guilty or beat yourself up. you have taken control of your life and helped your ex partner and yourself. that is a selfless and caring act. you hurt because you care and bccause you are a good person. i know from experiance it will get better. it just takes time. you are doing exactly the right things.
15 Felix // May 7, 2008 at 10:41 pm
I also googled how to break up. I´ve been thinking about it for so long, I have ignored this feeling and I have tried to tell myself that it is safer to stay together. It is so hard and painful just to think about an end, we have been together 7 years. Last summer I was so unhappy and I still am, after my mother´s passing away later in September I just clung to my partner, he´s been so supportive and generous all this time and before, but we no longer have that spark, I don´t yearn for him, I don´t miss him when he´s away.
I fear to end so lonely though.
Anyways, thanks for all the advice I found on this site, if I ever find the courage to end this relationship I will surely follow your guideline.
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