Recently, I was going through the newsletter archive of my friend Christian Carter, who as you know, is one of the leading experts in dating advice for women.
There was one particular issue in which the title literally jumped out at me.
It's called, “Five Reasons Men Leave Women They Love”.
A pretty bold announcement for an article.
As contradictory as this statement may seem, I know from personal experience that things like this do tend to happen.
I once left a woman I loved.
Why did I do it you ask?
I'll tell you in a minute, let's first go through Christian's five reasons why men leave women they actually love.
But before I do this, let me make something clear beforehand:
The reasons that will be stated in the following are NOT putting the women at fault for the men leaving.
It's almost never one person alone who's at fault, (there are exceptions).
As I've said many times over, a break-up is nobody's fault – it's just an occurrence of incompatibility.
Please keep that in mind while you continue to read.
Reason #1: The “Pleasure Principle”
Christian is referring to the old principle that we all seek pleasure and avoid pain. This is a basic human driving force behind everything we do.
He states that men tend to walk away if there is too much “pain” in the relationship, in forms of arguing and “freaking out” about things she doesn't like about him.
This has a huge impact on the decision whether he is willing to put more energy into the preservation of the relationship, or whether he moves on.
My take on this is that it's not necessarily an exclusive reason for men to break up. Nobody likes to be in a relationship where there's no healthy communication about problems and frictions.
It doesn't mean that you have to slug down everything you don't like about him or her, it just means that you have to develop the skill of communication in a healthy and productive way, (see reason #5).
Reason #2: Emotional Experience And The Future
Christian claims that a man draws conclusions from how a woman acts on the “little things” to what she would do when the sh** really hits the fan.
“…if a woman is consistently negative and emotional… and can't get herself together even when a man tries to explain things and comfort her… then a man isn't going to think that things could be any better for them in the future.”
This is a tough one, (sounds even a little sexist).
When I read this reason, everything in me screamed, “NO, this isn't true”. But on second thought, aren't we all doing this?
Aren't we – especially in the beginning of a relationship – constantly testing and predicting whether he or she is “future-proofed”?
And would we split up IF we came to the conclusion that he or she is NOT?
I leave that question in the room… you'll soon know why.
Reason #3: Lost Feelings Of Attraction
Ok, this is a big one. And a stereotype as well.
Do men leave women who they no longer find attractive even if they love them?
Before I tell you what Christian thinks, let me tell you what my opinion on this one is.
I'm going to phrase this blatantly: I think that only “bad men material” leave a woman whom he is no longer attracted to, given the relationship is promising and there are feelings involved, (i.e. it's not just a “physical” thing by mutual consent).
“Good men” will work out their own issues, (yes, losing attraction to his wife/girlfriend might be the man's own fault), they will take all measures necessary to re-kindle that spark of attraction.
But Christian rightly isn't exclusively talking about sexual attraction, he also says that:
“When a man doesn't FEEL that deep level of connection with a woman, at least every so often to remind him of why he's with her, then he'll forget why… and the relationship will become just a whole bunch of “work” to him.”
I think that this is a very solid point. The feeling of connection with your partner is of utmost importance and if you lose it, then you are in trouble.
Christian continues by claiming that the main mistake women make in this situation is to try to re-establish connection by “fixing things”, by talking about it or “working on the relationship”.
A man wants to DO things together to know his relationship is working, (not talk).
I couldn't agree more on this. This is one of the main differences between men and women when they try to fix a relationship.
My tip for you is to set “memory beacons” for your relationship by “experiencing” together. By experiences, I mean things you do together, challenges you master together, enjoyments you live through together.
All the things that really connect you.
Reason #4: The “Neediness” of Codependence
This is, of course, a classic which is applicable equally to women AND men, (in fact, this has a far more devastating effect to the relationship when men are behaving this way).
IF this relationship is everything to you – your life's purpose – and you have nothing else going on in your life, you are neglecting friends, your work, your hobbies, all the things that define who YOU are… then you will appear as needy, (or co-dependent).
And neediness in a relationship is one of the biggest turn-offs ever to men AND women.
After your break-up, were you wondering where all your friends went that you used to have plenty of contact with? Are you wondering why all the things that used to give you pleasure don't anymore? Are you wondering who you became?
The reason for all of these questions is that you lost yourself during the relationship.
“Often times a man will leave a woman because he sees that she depends too much on him and has lost her own sources of happiness”.
Reason #5: “She's Trying To Fix Me…”
I have to admit that this one got me thinking.
Christian writes that despite the common misconception that people can't really change, men CAN change for a woman, but they have to do it out of self-interest.
A man needs his OWN reasons to change.
“It NEVER works, or lasts, if a man simply tries to change for a woman, or for the sake of the relationship.”
So according to Christian, a woman can take advantage of that fact by understanding HIS personal reasons for doing the work for a better relationship.
What most women are doing wrong is that they are trying to make the man understand how it affects HER, not HIM.
“People are motivated by the things THEY WANT, and not what others feel and want”.
Christian suggests that you work WITH your man, instead of against him.
He concludes by writing that one of the most important things is creating that emotional experience with a man. Because if a man is deeply committed to you and the relationship, every “issue” you might have are just bumps on the road… they cannot hurt you.
But if there is no commitment from his side, then every little problem is going to leave him “irritated, frustrated, and
have him wanting to blame you and withdraw”.
My Personal Experience
I told you at the beginning of this article that I once broke up with a woman I loved and said that I'd tell you my personal reasons for it.
The reason I broke up with her – and it was one of the hardest things I had to do, (despite my own break-up) – was because I saw absolutely no future for a life together… and I so dearly wanted a future.
We were absolutely and utterly incompatible in so many ways… but so compatible in other small ways.
Unfortunately, those incompatibilities were the ones that mattered.
So, Christian's reason #2 was definitely the reason I broke up with a woman whom I was deeply, emotionally involved with.
From my experience and knowledge I'd had until that moment, I just could not see a happy and fulfilled relationship future.
Ultimately, I am happy that I did it, because that made the way to meeting my wife, who I am still married to up until today.
If you want to learn more about why men fall out of love, I suggest reading this article:
5 Reasons Why People Fall Out Of Love
What do YOU think about Christian's reasons stated above? Please do share in the comment section.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
Hello,
I just recently was told that my husband isn’t in love with me anymore and wants a separation. We have been together for 18 years and 10 of those years we have been married. We have three children (our younest is 5 months old) I am devasted of course but, he told me why which helped. He gave me some of the reasons(#1, 3 and 4) which now looking back I can agree on my faults and not listening.
He is tittering back and forth on if he wants to work this out. He told me he would give it a chance but, I think he switches up on that too. He is at a cross road on his feelings towards our marriage because sometimes he does want to give it a chance and then he doesn’t. He told me he cares and loves me deeply.
I have changed my behaviors for him to show him that I am willing to fufill his personal needs. They are not drastic impossible ones either and he told me that he was somewhat excited that I was making an effort. I am giving him space. I want to work this out but, I also am finding myself being this single mother of three small kids right now and its scary.
So scared and don’t know what else to do but, to continue what I am doing… preparing myself for the worse which is he still wants to leave and pray.
Hey, i know this post was a while ago but i am going through something similar. I haven’t been with my boyfriend any where near as long as you and your husband but I too see there is a couple of points on this list that have caused our break-up to potentially happen. My boyfriend is saying that he does love me he just ‘doesn’t feel the same any more’ most likely because i moan at him for stupid little things. He is giving it a slight chance but he doesnt seem very optimistic about this.
I was just wondering if he ended up giving you a chance and if he did how/did you at all make it better?
Thanks
Hi Anon and xyz–thanks for the chin up advice and for sharing your thoughts-yes it does help to know we are not alone in this journey-it’s not easy at times and some days seem worse than ever-I don’t know why relationships fail,why one party can’t give enough to the relationship.Have hope in your hearts that this too eventually will pass and strength and insight will come to us all who struggle and that maybe one day,just like Eddie we will find that one person who gets us,who will love us,who will build us up not tear us down-Eddie is that testament to us–he was down and yet found true love in the end, survived to build this site–soldier on people,blessings and love Brenda
Thank you Brenda, this is the right attitude.
I assure you that the perfect partner for you IS out there and NOT all men are non-committing, abusive, narcissistic, manipulative pigs as some comments here may suggest.
If you believe in that – that good men are out there – then you WILL meet them. That’s the “law of attraction” at work. If you believe the opposite, then you will continue to run into bad relationship material (also LOA at work).
Hi eddie.. I totally agree with all the above points and i am not against to it. But i have just 1 question in my mind after reading the above points. What is love then actually?? I believe if love is really true then no problem can come between 2 people. True love can overcome any situation. If both the person talks and communicates effectively together they can solve all the problems. This I realized after my break up. That problems come in every relation but it has to be willingly solved. Nothing is stronger then love… Thanks for all the good work.. Keep it up and keep going.. This site is helpful.. It made me realise that there are hundreds like me going through the same pain… Thank you
Please read this:
http://lovesagame.com/how-i-found-the-definition-of-true-love/
Insightful article. I agree the list can happen to both men and women. In my case, my ex had higher priorities than our relationship. But those priorities seem to be of selfish nature….ex. being ashamed to be with me because he feared his family and friends wouldn’t accept his decision. It’s not like he’s a teen or even in his twenties… he’s 50.
I believe that if you truly love someone you go to battle for them and the relationship. If you love someone it shouldn’t matter what you think people will think. That’s like giving a drunk the keys to your car to drop you off somewhere. You’re giving control to someone who has No business taking you to where you want o be and they’re in No condition to know what’s best for YOU.
THIS is what my relationship struggled with…my ex giving the keys of our relationship and his life to someone else to everybody else but himself. I guess the same relation could be said about backsest drivers in his life….him taking directions from others when he already knows where he wants to go because he doesn’t want the conflict of them judging him or his own choices.
I enjoyed the list and feel like slowly I am losing attraction for my ex and any possibility of reconciliation due to his cowardice. The best thing for all is to work on themselves and realize that there ARE men out there who will appreciate every part of you. Chin up people:)
Thanks for the article. This is a tough one but as was already said above good insight for personal growth. I know not understanding some of these things lead to my break up. Looking back I can even see now how he was asking for some of these things, to not talk about the issues so much, to focus on enjoying time together as a way to “fix” things, but I didn’t “hear” it at the time. I definetly made the mistake of focusing in the problems and wanting to talk them to death and not seeing it was having the opposite effect that I was hoping for- it drove a wedge in deeper rather than fixed anything. Not that it was all me for sure or that ignoring the problems was the answer either, but i can see now my approach could have been more constructive. I wish I had read this article back then and could change my approach but while I can’t undo the past, I can take this insight into future relationships. Thanks Eddie for the website and everyone for all the comments. It has all helped me so much during a very tough time! Hang in there everybody!
I couldn’t agree more Margaret !
Hi Magaret,
I could not have said it better. Men leave to be with other women. They never leave to be alone. The attraction of an affair is the secrecy and excitement. Once that fades, it’s pretty much done and the reality sets in. They are not so attractive anymore when they are 100% available.
They move on with no knowledge of what they are getting into. Flings and casual sex are very temporary. Although I am sad I am alone now, I am glad God intervened when he did. What they don’t realize is the grass is not always greener. It’s usually a bunch of weeds.
Hi Sue. I totally agree with the grass is not always greener. I was with my boyfriend for 4 years and he started treating me badly instead of talking to me about wanting out of the relationship. I was so good to him and did not deserve to be treated that way. It broke my heart. It’s 5 months after the break-up and I’m doing a tiny bit better but am still so hurt. I just can’t believe after 4 years that’s what I get, treated badly because he’s a coward. I deserved more.
Sue,
My name is Gina. I loved what you wrote 3 years ago.
I lived with my boyfriend for 5 years. i gave up all my alimony because he said he wanted to grow old with me and my children. His family never wanted him with us, and would not have blended families..
Like you, rather then share his feelings with me, he started treating me different, yet always said we were ok.
I am ashamed of myself for e-mailing him my feelings, frustrations, anger.. OFTEN for the past 5 months. Now he and his family think I am certifiably nuts. I KNOW I am not, as do my friends.
So how is it 3 years later?
Gina
You are doing a good job, thanks for motivating us, keep it up.
Eddie,
Thank you for writing this article. As uncomfortable as it is to admit, I am guilty of doing most of the things that you have listed, and I am pretty sure that my behaviors contributed to the demise of some of my relationships. Knowledge is power, however, so I have taken time off from looking for a relationship with a man to developing a relationship with myself.
It has now been over a year since my last relationship ended. During which time I have been dealing with my issues and treating myself with, love, care, and respect. After being in one unfulfilling relationship after another, I have found peace of mind, contentment, and happiness dating myself so to speak. At age 51, I feel that it would be great to find that special someone to share my life with; however if I do not, I will still lead a happy and fulfilled life.
I can understand “logically” the reasons listed above but somehow in my heart, I cannot accept that someone who is in love will choose to walk away. To me loving someone is fighting for them and for saving the relationship. If it is mutual then it might well succeed. If one feels constantly that they are the only ones making an effort then it falls apart. So when you say, you broke up with a woman you love, may be I interpret this as I liked her but I weighed the odds of leaving her and found that it may not be so hard to living without her. I am still struggling with this concept.
Probably that’s the point… people should not “fight” for saving a relationship. Because it is a signal that this relationship will never be fulfilling. In a good relationship (not only in the romantic ones) the other person gets more than I give and I get more than the other one gives. In the end 1+1>2, there is an extra source of happiness.
Struggling in a bad relationship is just the opposite, the other gets less than I gave and I gave less than the other has given. If it stays constant it is just better to walk away; because in this case 1+1<2 it is just a drain for both and the longer it runs the more painful the end is.
In response to zoltan – should you ‘never’ fight for a relationship? Is there a time when you fight for it but then realize when you’ve been fighting too long? I don’t think any relationship is without it’s problems now and again. So how do you know the difference between when you’re fighting for something in vain OR if it’s just a wave that has to be ridden and you’ll get through it and come out the other side.
Untrue on certain levels “people should not “fight” for saving a relationship”. Many hardships fall on people that can destroy what was once a smooth sailing relationship. It is odd for any relationship to be built on equal parts of love and or the depth of that love for one another. Grant you there are cases where both parties love with the same deepness however 9 times out of 10 someone is loving deeper and more willing to compromise in order for it to remain lasting. Many a relationships do in fact last because one or both parties were willing to fight to keep it together. People change over the course of their lifetime and along with those changes many women end up with the husband they wanted all along and or wife, only they get them in the later years of their life together. People that remain together for the long haul will always tell you they had many rough patches along the way but they fought to keep it together. They pretty much learned the hard way to pick their battles. If someone doesn’t love you they won’t stay around, they may at times still feel a fondness for the other person however In Love is no longer on the table.
Hi
to both of you… of course there are bumps on the road and one must endure hardship sometimes. But in the end we are not a relationship to constantly sacrify ourselves but to gain something from it*… and constantly fighting to keep it work is a sign that it does not meant to last imho.
What I saw in my family/friends case: if those hard patches end up with a good compromise (one gain more than the other would lose) and it is not completely one-sided than they are part of learning each other. If the reverse is true it is an unhealthy relationship.
*by the way: men sometimes leave because they feel better without a given relationship
Hi Eddie,
In my relationship after 1 year. Point No.2 happened to me. I lost the attraction but I didn’t lost the love for my partner. I still cared for her & I wanted to marry her. But I didn’t I have the usual urge to daily contact her or daily see her. She also started distancing herself from me. I thought this was “normal” in relationship. But I was wrong, she was seeing someone else behind my back and I got to know it in June this month. But now I have learnt, when a partner starts to distance himself/herself, its a wrong sign.
If I could have found this website earlier i could have saved myself from a great deal of pain now.
This article also makes me sad, even though I know it wasn’t Eddie’s intention. I understand what he and Christian both say when they suggest we work “with” our men instead of against them. But what about them giving us women a chance? Like Becca said, I also feel nowadays nobody wants to try. Maybe it was different in your day Eddie, but guys nowadays don’t seem interested in giving it a fair try before skipping off to the “greener” side…
I agree that a chance to find true love is worth it…and precisely because of that, I gave it my all in my last relationship, really tried…but he got “scared” (his actual words) and bailed out…this after I got accidentally pregnant and had an abortion because he “wasn’t ready for the responsibility.” Even after such a huge sacrifice…he still left me. The man who proclaimed I was “the love of his life.”
I’m having a hard time believing that a nice, honest man will stay with me, because when things get hard, I as a NORMAL human being, WILL get angry, needy, scared…so what am I supposed to do? Pretend I don’t feel those things, put on a brave face so “my man” won’t get scared? Seriously? Is this the best advice men have to offer?
How about having some compassion and understanding for us women? Instead of simply telling us to quit “doing things wrong” how about speaking out to the guys to stop being such jerks and keep trying, IF it’s really true that they love that woman?
I’m sorry, but I really don’t think that a man that breaks up with a woman he “loves” truly, honestly, loves her. Maybe he just thought he did.
Beatrice I could’ve written your post…thank you for sharing it. It is so frustrating as you said…what are we supposed to do? It’s not healthy to just stifle our feelings and not talk about them – as you say it’s normal to feel angry, needy, scared. But if that pushes men away then it feels like it’s all on us to keep up the relationship. (i think the same dynamic could happen in the reverse gender – but much more common with women feeling this way).
I’ve seen guys that stay with women that you just can’t figure out why because they are so hard to deal with…they don’t follow any of this advice and are a pain in the arse and the guys just stay and deal with it – maybe unhappily but they don’t leave.
Beatrice, I realize that your post is fairly old, but I agree wholeheartedly with everything you said. I think when a man reaches the point of breaking up, it was never “love” to begin with. It’s like, the newness and novelty of the relationship wears off, real-life sets in as it always does eventually, and then they are off to something new again. At least, that has been my personal relationship experience. With that said, I believe that it is never totally one person’s fault. After initially reading this article I wanted to blame myself for something (I don’t know what, just something to make sense of it all) even though that was not the intent. I believe most “humans” will make some, if not all of those mistakes at some point. On a positive note: I have learned the importance of self-love through all of this heartache and I am actively working at achieving it 🙂
Hi Eddie,
Thank you for your insightful article.
Funny enough, I had just woke from a dream where my ex-BF was sitting on my hallway floor telling me it was hard on him too. Nothing else to the dream apart from those words and a hug, yet when I woke I found this article sitting in my email inbox. Funny how the universe works!
My ex-BF suddenly ended us, said he just couldn’t do us any longer. We got on really well and had a great promising future, and whilst your article makes complete sense, I always felt my ex-BF would sabbortage and kept ending our relationship when he felt he was getting too close or when we were moving forward because of his past marriage, which for him the ending of was devastating. The ending of his 20 year marriage was not his choice, and I’ve watched him struggle with that process for 3 years now. I believe that he just couldn’t bring himself to let me in and to trust someone again because of the fear of getting hurt again. He always came back saying he never ended it the last time because he didn’t love me.
I’m still trying to pick up the pieces (almost 2 months later) once again. The hurtful pain is sometimes unbearable as I believed everything would work out and we would be ok, just as he said everytime he came back and wanted us and me again.
I’ve been hurt now to the point where I can’t let him do it to me again. I need to move forward and concentrate on me and my life, without him.
So I believe there is a #6 reason.. And this reason is based on past experiences and the inability to move forward from that, no matter how much you want to be with someone or love them. Saying this, perhaps the love for me was never there because of the past, it was just words and he couldn’t bring himself to do any of the actions because of the fear.
In the end, I think it’s ashame that he didn’t take the opportunity to accept my love and unconditional love back. I never tried to change him, because I loved who he was and what he represented and loved spending time with him and supporting and loving him. I have no regrets.
What are your thoughts on #6, is it something to think about?
Keep up the awesome positive encouragement and insights Eddie. I, for one, certainly appreciate your effort. You always appear at the very right time 🙂
I’m in the exact same boat as you are Kylie: 7 years and 2 break-up/get back togethers. He tells me he loves me deeply, but there is just something “missing”. He even told me he doesn’t think he’ll meet anybody like me. At times I think I may of been too much for him. He was slightly old fashioned and I am very career minded, but wanted a family at some point as well. I just don’t get how somebody can fall in and out of love so easily. I believe what you said about a #6 reason. There was something in my guy that made it so he just couldn’t fully open up and except the love of the relationship….even when we were madly in love, he still had issues with showing too much affection. He left me saying that “you never know” about the future, and this kills me because I love him so much and could see myself continuing this pattern for the rest of my life.
I agree 100%. I think most people are not even aware that their past hinders them to open up for a new relationship. And if you did not really fight your demons and surpass them no chance for a lasting new relationship. Your repeat and repeat your patterns until you get sick or something occurs which forces you to confront yourself with the past. The absurd part is that we do not look at the topics because we are afraid of being hurt, and exactly because we do not look at them, we get hurt.
Hi there.
I did the leaving and totally regret it. I wanted to turn it back and unleave but it was too late the damage was done now I think what the hell was I thinking but I guess I must of been really not happy for me to end it with the most beautiful person I ever met.
At the end of the day she was a career professional with 2 masters degrees and 2 very young children to her ex husband so in hindsight it was never going to last with me. Super mum was never trully available. It was beautiful at the time and with the time i got with her which now I’m on day 13 on NC. We broke up about 6months ago.
Hey Eddie what about an article on falling for the wrong people or incompatible people?
Such good timing for me to read this. It’s important to remember that a lot of mens minds just work differently – I just wish they would spend as much time trying to understand us women as we seem to them!
Anyhow, I too Miriam have had a bit of a rocky road but I still believe there is hope for a mutually satisfying relationship for me – I just refuse to believe that there isn’t. I was in a relationship with someone who I had constant fidelity issues with…2 of which (that I know of) ended up being physical (although he says there was never sex – the first I forgave him for and the second I broke up with him over) and repeated emotional involvement that he would just bold face lie to me about. I took to snooping and trying to figure out what was going on – terrible I know…and I felt so awful about doing it all the time and so down on myself but I guess I wasn’t willing to just leave…I somehow needed to know the truth. Talk about drama. But I finally got out of it and although it was tough I recovered and I’m so happy I didn’t keep listening to him telling me his lies and how much he wanted to be with me.
Now though I’ve been with a new guy for just over a year and was just so thrilled to be in this good relationship with this nice normal guy that I thought would never be the kind of person to cheat. He was dragging his feet a little on moving the relationship forward to living together (we talked about doing it and I thought he was on the same page but then he started back peddaling) and what did I do…I snooped (going back to wanting to have control over the situation I think) and I found out that he had met someone at a conference when we had been dating about 4 months and that there had been some kissing while out at a concert/party…I could tell from the emails that he didn’t go home with her and when I confronted him he said he felt terrible about it…but that he really thought that it was a good thing at the time that she wanted him to go back to her hotel with him and he said no because of me…and that that was a powerful moment for him to realize that he was committed to me. I don’t know…we were already saying we loved each other and now I’m very freaked out. We didn’t talk for a week and he’s sworn to me that was just a one time thing…that he isn’t like that. But I’ve been lied to before.
All my friends and family like him although it’s not like they know him that well. I don’t have anyone that knows him to ask or that I could go to for advice on whether he really is that kind of person or not. After he realized I snooped the next time I was sitting with him in front of his computer I realized he had cleared out all his old messages and facebook messages…I tend to feel like he is being secretive about his phone but I don’t know if I’m just being paranoid.
Seriously, I really thought he was this great guy that wouldn’t ever do anything like that. Now he’s said he wants to work on it but frankly I think he thinks I’m overreacting…it’s now been a month and I of course still need to process and talk but I think he is just getting to the point where it’s frustrating him…it’s too much for him and not enough for me. I don’t want to lose a great relationship but once the trust is broken can you ever truly get over it…and now more than ever all I want to do is look at his stuff – which he probably now deletes everything. It’s so not healthy…but I just want to ‘know’ that there is nothing more and that he is this good guy. Is that risk worth taking?
Your blog has meant so much to me. How do you know the difference between someone who is maybe just not that into you vs. someone that is just scared. Sorry I know this doesn’t relate that much to this post…the post just made me think though of the drama and that with men they want to run from the drama.
Why would you want to be with someone that deleted everything? Isn’t being in a relationship about sharing? If I was in a relationship that had a future I would be able to show him every aspect of my life as he should also be able to show me every aspect of his.
I am sorry that the article made you sad… this was not my intention.
Yes, there is this “grass-is-always-greener” syndrome out there, the divorce rate is high, there are plenty of jerks… BUT… IT still exists.
There are still couples who stay together, there are still marriages that work, happy and fulfilled.
Even if there was only a minuscule chance to find true and lasting love… isn’t it worth taking the risk?
I feel sad when I read articles like these. If these are basic incompatibilities, then I have little hope for any relationships. It seems to me that it’s easier to bail than try these days, with people expecting that the “grass is always greener.” Then, when the newness wears off and people become real, the process repeats.
Wish that I could be more “positive.” I entered into reading this with high hopes……
I agree with you Becca, people just don’t try hard enough these days. So many people think that romantic love should be there 24/7 and they don’t ever look at themselves as being the problem. I had a man who loved me just leave me, saying that something was “missing”. This was after 7 years and 2 break-ups with him. He told me when we got back together, it felt amazing and there were no doubts, but over time doubts would creep in and he would start to question his feelings for me. Our incompatibility was our living situation and careers-we were struggling to find a way to live in the same town and make our careers work together. I wanted to find a compromise and that wore on him too much. Over time he just lost interest even though I thought everything was going fine. He still talks about maybe “one day”….and I’m still so broken up about it that I can see myself wanting to go back a year from now…
Oh, wow, did this one really hit a nerve. Amazingly enough, I got the link to this post in my email the minute after receiving an email from my bf telling that we need to take some time apart or he will suffocate.
I agree with you on many points, but it is not so black and white. I have experienced few really difficult break-ups within past years. First my husband left me after sleeping with another woman and then after long recovery I found a man who appeared to be the love of my love only to lose him by “vanishing act”, i.e. just disappearing without ever leaving me or saying a word and returning to his ex. Also in my younger years I have had one bad relationship with constant infidelity after which I spent many many years single, thinking I will never find or trust anyone again.
So my road has been rocky, but I should not pour that on my newly-found bf’s lap. He is quite recently divorced and that really pushes my buttons. He has not done anything to deserve my distrust, our ways of communicating and expressing ones feelings are just very different. What I’ve been trying to learn is that I should not and cannot interpret him from my perspective, but try to understand his. He expresses his emotions by doing and caring, instead of using so many words or fondling me, which is what I do. If I feel like I am losing connection or not “sensing” his feelings, I keep on asking whether he is really over his ex and if he truly loves me. It sounds ridiculous and somewhat annoying but is human.
Your post was eye-opening in a sense that I should drop the drama before its too late. I think I still have a shot, since he is only asking some space to breathe, not saying its over – yet.
I also read one other thought today: “what would trust do”. Simple as that. So small step yet a gigantic leap for me, but even the thought helps. Why not try trust, as the opposite is obviously not working.
Thank you so much for your blog. I started to read it after my devastating break-up with the “vanishing act” a-hole. I never cancelled the subscription and it seems that your thoughts are valuable also in relationship. It’s great.
Miriam
Thank you for your encouraging words and for “still” being on my list.
I am sorry that your “road” has been so rocky… but he who learned to walk/run rocky roads will fly over plain streets.
Yes, it is sometimes very difficult to understand that “we” are actually speaking difficult languages of love… but it is truly so.
My advice is: if he never gave you any reason for mistrusting him, then simply don’t.
I know that you are afraid of being hurt again, but there will never be a bond with shields up…
Hi Eddie,
I agree that these reasons COULD drive a man to leave. Because I am the one left behind, these reasons seem insignificant and somewhat shallow. That being said, that does not mean these reasons are not valid ones for men.
Incompatibility and not seeing a future is a big one for me. Lost interest cannot be helped when you’ve got someone else in your ear pulling you out of the relationship. Now that I have 25 days under my belt, I can now remember when my husband’s dialogue changed and it didn’t even sound like him. That’s the pull from the outside.
My motto is, You’ve got to do the work! if you are faced with any of these issues on the list, fix it. Guess that didn’t happen in my case. As always, thanks for sharing. It’s very insightful.
Hi Sue,
I know what you mean… and I knew that this article might be difficult for some of you who are experiencing a breakup right now.
But my main goal for this post was to educate about the “mysterious” ways men think (in fact they are much simpler than you would think). Lots of women out there have no clue, and would never believe that we men might think differently. That’s why they never change their approach… they keep doing what doesn’t work.
Love you motto :).
I can’t say whether or not he left me while he still loved me… I like to think that part of him did though.
Thanks for writing this, I think in my case it was a combination of all of the above. But I love how soothing you sound when you wrote: “a break-up is nobody’s fault – it’s just an occurrence of incompatibility.”
I know that we could never work out in the end (I even cried because I realized that a month and a half before we broke up), but I ended up truely loving him. And that’s now gone.
We did go No-Contact immediately and haven’t spoken/written/etc until this day, but I have done another thing what I shouldn’t have done (I didn’t work through my emotions after the break up) so now (five months later), my emotions come up pretty strong. In a way I am happy that I put off feeling these feelings, because now I am strong enough to feel them. But I know I should have dealt with them the first month or two after. Because now it seems like I am taking a huge leap backwards of where I was.
I am in the stage where I think: how and where can/will I ever meet someone I can feel so much for like him. I have been dating for a while, trying to take my mind of things and trying to learn to receive (after just giving for a long time) and I haven’t met anyone with whome I had the connection I had when I first met him, even though I tried to open up to it. So that makes me think: was it even real… maybe he somehow faked it. Maybe it’s impossible (or just impossible for me) to find a good match with honest intentions.
I have never been in such a great position in my life as I am now (doing new things (snowboarding, even tandem sky diving once, …), having a job that I actually like and buying the house I have been looking for for years), but things feel a bit sad, because I am doing it all on my own. Since I have been (like most girls) dreaming about marriage, even childeren at one point since I was 6 years old.
As you see I’m torn between emotions of sadness and pride/happiness of where I am now… but I am torn in a way that I cannot enjoy it for the full 100% that I deserve.
Part of my progress is due to you. Thanks for creating this space where I can write down these feelings 🙂
I LOVE your motivational e-mails, etc. I hope they’ll get me through the winter (in a happy way I mean, I get a bit sad when the sun isn’t out for that long).
Thank you Annabel for your kind words and sharing how you feel.
I am proud of you how well you are doing… feelings of sadness are pretty normal and they are often the result of a “chain-reaction” of negative thinking. When you accept them as what there are – just clouds in the wind – they lose their power over you.
But all in all: look what you’ve accomplished!
Annabel, I am a bit like you. It has been 7 month now since I broke up and the pain is still there although not quite as bad. I feel I need to be on my own for a while then I think I should date to help me get over him which I did once but everytime I looked at the guy I seen my ex, nothing the guy done came close to my ex so I finished it and explained to the guy my reasons and that I Didn’t want to hurt him.
My ex told me things and made me feel things that I have never experienced before, ive never felt love like it in my life before and i was married to my kids father for 18yr!!! my heart still aches for that. I keep skipping the emotions intentionally because I suppose I still live in a bit hope, it keeps me going. But I thank Eddie for this site as I couldn’t have gotten so strong without it.
So thank you so much Eddie and please keep up the good work. 🙂 .
Ellen
I think what this explains is men’s incapability of being monogamous. Women put much more effort into relationships cuz we seek to form families and raise children and want the stability to do so. Men just seek sex with women they attract. If he stays around long enough it is probably because women have made him responsible and financially attached somehow. And as soon as that he decides to change this or the responsibility lifts they will be on to the greener side
Way to generalize all the “evil men” in the world. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful woman now for a year, she has 3 kids from two previous relationships, I do not live with her as I have an elderly disabled and very ill parent at home that I care for, and we have not yet had sex. A large part of the no sex deal is because I am working through personal issues as a childhood sexual abuse survivor, and yes, I am working with a counselor. She has already stated (not to me, but her friends who passed it on in the form of demands for answers why no sex) that she wants to have kids with me, in that last few months she, not me, has been getting manipulative and not only trying to embarrass me into sleeping with her (having friends ask if I am a virgin etc) and but also manipulate me into feeling guilty about taking care of my father, who is dying, and not avoiding those responsibilities and spending every moment that she considers “free” on mine, with her dong what SHE wants to be doing, not us.
Yes, I am thinking of calling off the relationship, but am more worried about breaking the hearts of the kids than hers. Not all men are evil sex crazed philanderers, seeing comments like yours just make men want to avoid women altogether, stop blaming men for all that is wrong in your life, I am sure there is enough responsibility to go around, just reading your comment makes me want to avoid you so I don;t have to deal with the misandry.