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7 Reasons Why Your Break-Up is Killing You

Time heals all wounds. At least, that’s what they tell you when you mention that you’ve been dumped recently (along with giving you that look).

But, does time really heal the wound that’s been brought to you by a break up or divorce?

I think that this is a common misunderstanding. Time would not heal anything if it didn’t force you to go through a certain process.

Time is the medium, the healing is done by you.

Time does heal to a certain degree, but the wounds are not healed effectively, let alone completely, if you don’t contribute anything to the healing process yourself.

Time makes you forget, but your problems are still there. Hidden, but present.

Conscious Healing

Is a break up painful? I know it is. Are you amplifying your pain by improper behavior? Well, let’s see.

For effective and in depth healing you have to take a “conscious healing” approach. That’s what I am teaching in my coaching.

Someone said to me lately that she is doing nothing special to overcome her divorce. Just waiting for time to heal it. What could she do about it anyway?

There are a lot of things you could do to start the “conscious healing”.

A conscious healing approach means that you have to make efforts, like do exercises and shift your state of mind, as opposed to doing nothing, letting the time to work for you.

Before you start with exercises, because you really don’t feel like you need to at the beginning, why not change the few things that directly influence your wellbeing in a negative way?

Why is your Break-Up or Divorce killing you?

There is a common behavior pattern that you see over and over again. People are so overwhelmed by their pain (especially at the beginning of the break up), that they willingly or unwillingly, drift into certain manners.

What are these manners and how are they contributing to your pain?

Please read on.

7 Ways you are Amplifying your Pain

Listed below are the main reasons why people are suffering from a relationship break up more than they should in the first months. This, of course, also implies that when you stop doing these certain things, you will feel much better.

You could call this “indirect healing”, because it doesn’t take a direct initiative, just a change of thinking.

This is much easier, as the first phases of a break up are characterized by a paralyzing lethargy.

Sound’s good?

So, let’s start:

1. Neglecting the Body’s Needs

I know you don’t feel like eating (or some of you eat way too much). I know you don’t want to go jogging. But believe me, you make it worse if you neglect the elementary needs of your body.

If you are not a friend of healthy cuisine, try at the least to maintain your eating habits that you’ve had before your break up or divorce. Never stop working out, jogging or taking part in the sports you used to do.

If you suffer from mental pain, there is no reason to carry it over to your body.

2. Continual Mental Reasoning

I know that you rethink the past events over and over again. It’s almost like a compulsion. You think that maybe you were missing something and if you relive the break up, then it would make sense eventually.

You have to realize one thing: It is not your obligation to suffer!

This vicious cycle of thought is one of the main reasons for your suffering. You must break out of it.

Distraction and mind-control through meditation are the keys for getting over this blocker.

3. Isolation

Never isolate yourself for better suffering.

Call all your friends, make appointments, so that you don’t have to spend a minute alone. Go sporting, go on vacation, meet people. Action is the key.

Isolation gives you time to think. Thinking is bad for you now.

4. Trying to get your Ex Back

Hope is a very dangerous thing. At least in a break up.

There are no rules whether it is possible to get your Ex back or not. But I strongly advise you to accept the fact that the relationship is over, rather than to try to get back your Ex despairingly.

If you really want to get your Ex back (chances are that you will not with time), then your odds will be much higher when you become a stable personality again.

5. High Ex-Attachment

It is very important that you clean up your place from all the things which remind you of your Ex. Put all the photos, CDs, letters, gifts in a big box and hide it in the cellar. Don’t throw it away, you might regret this one day.

I cannot emphasize the importance of this enough.

Another very vital factor to your healing is the no-contact rule. Once you know that it’s over and there is no more business you have to do regarding the divorce or break up, you should cut off the contact to your Ex completely. No phone calls, no e-mails, no text-messages. Don’t go to the places you could meet accidentally.

Believe me, it’s for your own good and this is the only way.

6. Taking No Charge

You have to realize, especially at the beginning, that it’s yourself who is responsible for your healing and happiness. Your Ex does not cause your pain, you do it to yourself with the mindset that you need your Ex to be happy.

Your Ex is not responsible for your happiness!

If you consciously take charge, and realize that it’s only you who can make a change, then you’ve made the first step towards a happier life.

7. Self-Punishment

There is something I constantly observe when working with clients: Most break up victims have an affinity for suffering, a self-induced compulsion to feel the pain. It is almost like “Oh, this is a break up, so I have an obligation to suffer!”.

Trying to break out of this mindset is not easy and causes feelings of guilt. This is the vicious cycle mentioned in no. 2.

Simply resist the compulsion to listen to “your song”, to look at mutual photos, to watch those heart-killing movies, to talk to or stalk your Ex.

Do not torture yourself. Resist!

I know that you may think that these things are your last connection to your Ex, but believe me when I say: all they cause is pain.

You have a right to be free and feel good. It’s your choice.


The first months of a break up or divorce are extremely difficult. There is no motivation for doing anything, not to mention working on self-improvement.

The knowledge of certain behavior patterns which cause pain comes in handy. Avoiding these mistakes cuts off a good part of your arduous journey which lies ahead.

Then you will gain the power to take the “conscious healing” approach and not only survive your break up, but gain so much more.

That is the prize which makes all the suffering worthwhile.

Your friend,


(Photograph is from istockphoto / hidesy)

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108 Responses to 7 Reasons Why Your Break-Up is Killing You

  1. Ollie December 2, 2016 at 12:48 pm #

    Me and my ex were going out for 6 months. She lived with her auntie because she doesnt talk to her mum or dad because her dad is an alcoholic and she fell out with her mum. She also takes anxiety tablets as she gets panic attacks a lot. I was always there for her and we had a lovely time and i was so in love with her and would do anything and she knew that. After an argument we had it escalated and she got annoyed and so did i i said a few things because i was upset and so did she. i Said sorry the next day and even got her flowers she just said thank i need space though so can you leave and listen to me… i was so confused that she was acting so cold and not loving at all.. i couldn’t understand it and i said please tell me why she said i just need space but she wouldn’t give me an answer at all. I know she was also concerned about me drinking because on weekends i drank but in the week i didn’t but she didn’t drink much and with her dad having issues that didn’t help. I left that day and grieved and came back later to give her more flowers i was so upset and crying so much she ignored the door but after me staying at the door for a while she answered and we just argued again and then her cousin said get out and was blocking me and she found it funny. i questioned this and she said it was nervous laughter ….really? to see your boyfirend in a mess… he ended up head butting me because i wouldnt leave and i said go on head butt me if thats what you want i left the house i know she was upset after that and the next day she changed her relationship status on facebook and took all our amazing photos of facebook i really am hurt. I know im not perfect but i have been honest, loving, caring do anything for her. Even her auntie backed me up the whole relationship. I sent her flowers a few days after that which got delivered and she replied saying it gone too far i cant go back now etc i cant focus on anything im so sad and depressed and i want to just message her, i know its not the right thing to do but its been 23 days of no contact now and we broke up on the 1st of November. Please some one help me and give advice i have never loved and cared for someone as much as her and would do anything to get her back. Also i forgot to mention after the breakup i was in a right state and needed to speak to her friend and i was in floods of tears and she was caring and said it will be ok etc etc after she realised i got in contact with her friend she blocked her of facebook and ignored her since how immature is that? Why would you do that? she has done nothing wrong and we are all human beings with emotions etc and i said to her in the letter with the flowers sorry for coming round after you said you need space but i was an emotional wreck. The thing i cant understand by this relationship is that we loved each other so much we lived together at the aunties for 2 months. Please help x

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