My husband and I just separated 2 weeks ago. There are so many issues that should make it obvious to me that this is the best thing that could have happened. It was a very volatile relationship. I earned most of the income that provided for our lifestyle and financial stability. After we met, his parents contacted me and told me he was a fugitive. I reported him to the local police department and he was extradited back to Nevada and put in jail during which time he wrote daily letters declaring his love for me. He said I changed his life; made him know the man he needs to be, etc. We decided to marry so he could come live with me as I own a house and have a stable income in PA. Well he tried I guess. In less that 2 years he went through 8 jobs… fired from at least 5. I asked him to contribute what he could to the household. He finally admitted that he hates living in PA and wanted to return to Las Vegas and be who he is. So he is doing just that. Playing poker every day. He has gotten 2 jobs in the 2 weeks he’s been there. You don’t have to guess that neither has worked out. In my insane addiction to him I have identified all I did wrong…. expected too much, was too controlling, etc. I have been considering moving to Las Vegas so we can be together. Remember the unstable economy and the current housing market, and one can see that I am truly nuts. So I’m looking for help whereever I can get it. I will be going back to work tomorrow and trying to regain some control over my life. I only need to cancel his phoneline to create a No Contact situation but I’m so fragile that I’m afraid. He senses my weakness and is being that much more cruel. He is the kind of person that should be easy to hate. His own parents said “we never knew what you saw in him”. My family and friends think I’m crazy and I know I’m just rambling so I’ll stop here. I just needed to vent I guess

My Girlfriend of nine years broke up with me one month ago. I have been in so much pain on and off for the past month I just want to be able to tear these feelings for her from me. I cheated on her multiple times with multiple women over the course of two years. I betrayed trust to such a brazen degree that she should of broken up with me but she didnt. She stood by me in spite of all the emotional and psychological trauma that I put her through. I respected her strength and resolve and I loved who she was. To make a long story short I changed. Two years have passed and I reversed my entire outlook on things, did a total 180, she asked me to move in with her and I did. I was happy. Things seemed to be going well in spite of incessent trust issues. By my own volition she had access to all of my email accounts, phone records, and had my phone pass code. I made it so there was no doubt in her mind that I was being faithful to her. But apparently there was still a doubt.

On a Friday night I called her saying that I missed her (I work alot)and that I would like to go do something with her. Her response was something along the lines of I just want to hangout with my friends. I said that this was ok and that she should give me a call when she thought that she was going to be home. At about twelve I woke up and called her because I had yet to hear from her and she didnt pick up.

When I finally got in contact with her it was 5 in the morning. She informed me that she felt that she could not trust me and that because of this that she could no longer continue the relationship. The next night she didnt get home until 3 am. After much pestering she finally admited that she was at a new “friends” house and thats where she had been the night before as well.

A couple of nights ago we where having a phone conversation in which she informed me that she is in love with her new boyfriend.
I’m really strugling with this. There is a good part of me that wants to fight for her back as she did with me. That same part feels almost as if this a a small pennance for all the hurt that I caused her. I know intelectualy that I need to move on but it is so incredibly difficult.

I felt as if I needed to make a significant change. A week ago I quit my Job and ended a career path that has given me a great deal of success. I plan on moving away from the area to continue my education to finish my law degree. The only problem is I am having so much difficulty letting go. I just want that phone call to come syaing that shes sorry, she really forgives me, and that shes ready to move on with me. But I know that it will never come. I simply cannot bring myself to really feel that way.
I made some major mistakes that destroyed our relationship. I genuinely hoped that I could rebuild that which I cast aside so many times. Its not in my nature to give up at anything, yet I know that its time to walk away. So why cant I?

Hi,
I am going through this night mare of a break up for just a few weeks. And I am truelly exhausted! I go from accepting the break up to hoping it’d be ok soon.
Please help. He tells me he really loves me (it was pretty obvious too since we did not have issues and sex was fun and we both were enjoying it!) and it is because that is what he has to do. so he has to make his love for me die down or switch it off or whatever. I do not believe this is possible to love someone and go leave them to do the duty! That is what is giving me hope. He does not contact me though thank goodness. I am all confused really.
But the main thing is what you are completely right about is that I should finally make a decision to be responsible for my own happiness! Your website is a tremendous help!
Thanks

@Alexandra – I feel for you, but I think you’re fighting your own instincts and prolonging your own pain. Your instincts and common sense say that it isn’t possible to love someone and put you through what he’s putting you through. You’re right. Your confusion is the result of your unwilliingness to believe your own common sense. Eddie has a wonderful entry here on the 10 Things You Don’t Want to Hear From Your Ex. Check it out. “I love you” is high on the list. It’s a cruel thing to say to someone you’re leaving. And cowardly. Let him go, Alex. You can do better.

@Nate – I see a lot of guilt and self-blame in your note, even a sense that you’re now being justly punished and should hang in there out of a sense of duty, as much as love.

In a sense, what you did in the past doesn’t matter. What’s important is the here and now. You changed, you were ready to commit, and your girlfriend, for whatever reason, was still uncomfortable. You did all you could. She still chose otherwise.

I don’t think you should fight for her. I do think you should make it plain to her that you care for her still, but that you respect her decision. I repeat: Let her know that you accept the breakup.

Do not call her or repeatedly contact her. Let her know that you accept the end of your relationship and wish her the best. Tell her that you’re also looking forward to some wonderful changes in your life.

If she has any interest in your whatsoever, that statement alone will get her attention. If she’s gaming you, then she’ll realize that she really could lose you and come back. If she’s sincere about wanting to be free, then she’ll have to appreciate your respectful acceptance of her decision.

Either way you win.

@Susan –

Susan – I’m really sorry to hear about all the stress and difficulties you’ve been having. It’s important that you look after yourself though, even if that’s without him. Ask yourself honesty if your life is more balanced without him. Also have a Google for codependency. Good luck, Peter.

My Girlfriend and I broke up less than a week ago – I am not taking this well ! She told me Im not the guy she wants to spend her rest of her life with ! ! But I know she is just saying that because it has happed 3 times in the last year and we get back together, as soon as we get back together she tells me she missed me and she was happy I was back in her arms. Unfortunally, everytime she shuts down and dont want to talk! I have been faithful 100%, cook her dinner, send her Gifts and Roses, she tells me even after each break up that I am way to nice We never had a fight in the 2.5 years we dated, we always spent times together. She just recently started a new career and she has been under alot of stress! I been there for her, just last week she told me she was thankful I was being there for her, she hugged me and told me she love me.
I guess, I am more confussed than hurt, dont understand why she shuts down….when I ask her she tells me thats what she does ! I dont believe thats healthy for her or me. I know I made I huge mistake today, while she was at work, I took a dozen Roses, A Card and had Dinner for her on her front step……She has not called me yet and I dont know if she will. By the way, the dinner was left on a ice chest with Ice (Sushi) we both hated Sushi until we once decided to try it !
Our sex life went down the hill, she even told me two weeks ago that she felt bad because she wasn’t making love to me as much as I would want….I told her I wasn’t in this relationship because of sex……..I know Sex its important in a relationship, but I love her for what she is and not for what I can get from her.
I know she will miss all the things I did for her!
Im just confussed !

Your website is great. I am appreciating all of the advice. I am trying to follow it but still having trouble.

I’ve been going through a rough time and can’t seem to get back on track. My girlfriend and i were together for a little over 6 months, starting last February. in the beginning of the relationship, she was super intense. she told me she loved me a month after dating and said she wanted to move in together, to wake up together every day. we had similar goals, which was a first for me. we both want to settle and want kids. i’m normally very cautious in relationships though. she pressured me to move away with her in august when her lease was going to be up. we were in love, but this all seemed to come fast. i told her let’s see how things go. i was graduating from grad school in may and ready to relocate, myself.

the summer went by and our relationship was loving as ever. but in june, she started feeling guilty because her mom was drinking a lot and depressed back home, 2000 miles away. she became depressed and worried, feeling like she should go live at home and help her mom. she’s 31, by the way… i never took this too seriously– it seemed like an extreme measure. a little background on my girlfiend–she is three years sober after a 14 year problem with drinking and cocaine. i was worried about her putting herself in this situation with her mom!

in july we drove out in my car to visit her family and go to her friends wedding. her family situation was indeed disfunctional. it didn’t seem like she could help. but, two days after we got back home from our long trip, she announced to me that she’d put in for a transfer with her job and would be moving home to take care of her mother. she would not say what she wanted with the relationship. she didn’t want to break up and would “always love me” but basically would not have the conversation about our next steps.

my lease ran out and i had to stay with family. my girlfriend invited me to live with her for her last month in town, but i was hesitant. what would that be like, living with her and then having her leave? it didn’t seem to phase her at all! instead of fully moving in, i ended up crashing with her 4 days a week, then with my mother the other three.

all month i struggled to have a conversation with her about our future. when things were fine, they were great, but when i brought up talking about our relationship, she would get volatile. she’d raise her voice, grow angry, shut down. it was a side of her i’d never seen. she called me on one of our off days and threatened to not see me anymore if i brought up the relationship the following weekend, but we still had not reached any sort of decision. two weeks later, i was house sitting for a friend, tried to have a talk with her, and she walked out on me and i didn’t hear from her for two days! she said she couldn’t handle the stress of talking about our relationship.

we explored ideas of breaking up, me moving with her (she said she didn’t want me to because she wanted time to focus on her mother and didn’t want to take out the stress on me). i finally decided to move cross country to california because i wasn’t getting anywhere with her. she wanted to move there too and said she might after a few months. we decided to keep in touch and see each other in october, when hopefully she’d know better what her plan was. but, she never got the time off from work or got her plane ticket. she made excuses because it was a new office and she didn’t want to step on toes…

i helped her move and saw her off on her last day. i took a plane to CA a few days later, to try to find work and a home. i got a few calls from my girlfriend in the first few days saying that she loved me and missed me. we planned to talk on web cam once she was set up at her mom’s and she was still planning to get her plane ticket.

unfortunately, i totally broke down after my third day in CA. i was in a new place, hardly knew anyone, and the economy was bad. i felt like i’d made the wrong decision. i felt more depressed and panicked than i had in ages. i called friends for support, and called my girlfriend. she was rude with me. she told me she’d bought a $500 mattress for her room at her mom’s and i asked her if the investment meant she’d decided to stay long term. she blew up at me, saying it was none of my business and said she’d call later. i didn’t hear from her for two days, until she called one night to “see how i was”. she was condescending about my sadness and said she needed space. don’t call her, it’s nothing personal, etc. the next day she deleted our relationship on the social networking site. i called her even though i wasnt “supposed to” to ask her about it and she blew up at me. she put all the blame on me, saying she thought she could keep in touch, but it was my fault that she couldn’t and that she’d said all along that she couldn’t do long distance.

she hung up on me. i didnt hear from her for a week and didn’t call after the volatile conversation, at which time i got an email in response to a postcard i’d sent before our last conversation. she said the postcard was “sweet” and that she missed me and hoped i was finding everything i wanted. she said she’d love me always and hoped we could be friends and forgive each other someday. so that was it–as if it was final and she was taking no responsibility.

i called her twice in the next month and didn’t leave a message. i figured if i got her on the phone it was meant to be, if not then it wasn’t. i was a little hesitant about calling her, honestly, but felt i needed to have some closure. noticing she missed a call from me, she called back. the first time we talked, she still raised her voice over mine and said that we “Werent blaming anyone” and that she’d take responsiblity for nothing but moving away. i told her that she was volatile and rageful with me and i didn’t deserve to be treated that way, so i agreed we should break up. she wouldn’t let me talk much more and put down most of my feedback, so i was forced to have a cordial conversation with her and go. she promised to keep in touch via email or phone.

it was still bothering me, so two weeks later i tried again. when she called back, i asked her why she broke up with me and she said “it’s only the distance”. i asked if it was because i was depressed and she said no. i said that i don’t feel like she’s giving me the real reason and she condescendingly said “that’s bc you are depressed, things don’t make sense when you are depressed”. she quickly said she had to go and would not talk more.

it’s been a month since we talked on the phone (not counting one im conversation). i feel like a fool because i’m not over it. here’s someone who i felt i’d spend my life with but instead it was a quick whirlwind of distress and blame. i know i deserve better, but for some reason cannot let go. every morning i have troubled dreams about her while i’m half asleep and every day i work toward feeling better. my family and friends think i should be over it by now (it’s been almost two months), but i’m not and i’m so hard on myself about that.

she im’d me last week and i was unhappy with the shallow conversation, so i’ve blocked her from all of my im programs. i received a text from her two weeks ago but didn’t answer and deleted her from my phone so i wouldn’t be tempted to call again. we are still “friends” on the social networking site. i’m reluctant to delete her from that. perhaps because it’s our last connection and perhaps because we are both over 30 and that seems so teenaged.

i am back in our home city with my friends, but still without an apartment or job. i feel this is a lot of the reason i’m still holding on to the failed relationship.. i’m working on getting work and a home set up. my dreams to move to CA are put off for now, which i’m sad about, but i feel l can’t handle being in a new place and feeling so depressed. at least where i am now i have friends and family for support.

Me and my boyfriend of over a year and a half broke up about a month and a half ago. I dumped him. I dumped him at the time because of my friends and families comments on how he didnt treat me right but also because i was insecure ofwhether or not he really cared about me. I thought that if he really cared he would protest the break up and tell me how much i meant to him. But i was wrong. All he said to me was k and i didnot hear from him for a week or so later on i recieved a text from him that said fuck you bitch i hope you hve a nice life slut an he left a box that i made him full of everything from our relationship. It broke my heart. The reasn why he did this was because he found out me and one of y past exes had been talking again.
I know that is probably wrong on my part but i was hurt by this ending just like he was and my ex was their for me.
My boyfriend(ex) has hooked up with other people to so i didnt ee this as being tat bad. i continued to try to talk to him about us and he ignored me part of the time or mocked me.
These actions he has done after our breakup have hurt me to the point where i dont want to fix things like i did before.
My ex from the past wants to begin a relationship with me and this is way too fast for me but i do truly have feelings for him so i could use some advice on that.
but alsomy ex recently started talking to me again apoligsing for the rude things he has done to me and that he wants to be friends but i dont see how that ispossible after all he has done to hurt me, it would be nice to have some advice on this if anyone has any.

@lee – Lee, listen man, i am sorry. i have been in a very similar situation with a woman i loved more than anyone i ever met. In short, she was pushing me pulling me, wanting me, yelling at me, needing me, hurting me. Oh lord honestly i didnt see the true woman i had dated for so long until a full year had passed and the veil of fog slowly lifted from my eyes. clarity truly takes its time to set in. Lee, its as if she is the sun and your one of her planets revolving orbiting her. At times she pulls you into mercury’s close, proximate orbit, at others she shoves you into the cold far reaches of neptunes lonely oceans of ice, the sun a distant light on your horizon.
Lee she is very controlling and manipulative and your reassurance of her perpetuates the malady. I was so weak and wimpy to my ex’ she had complete dominion over my thought process and problem solving. I basically always compromised and made in roads so as to keep the peace and remain in her sunshine. I really dont like saying this but you have to let her go. She will be on your heart and mind to much, heartbreak is literally a form of madness; your suffereing already is testament to such. There is no other choice, you suffering on your cross means nothing to her until she needs your reassurance in something in her life. the problem is there is no reciprocity from your ex. and she is narcissistic and possibly a little bi-polar. it seems challenges run in her family and the apple may not be far from the family tree. I wouldnt doubt if her mother has been battling manic depression either.
The best you can do is realize this an inadvertent blessing. Imagine marrying that?!!? imagine the misery that you would have to manage in the name of “love”! Its not love, its a hard life lesson. A farmer NEVER sows seeds on barren soil. You must realize this. as far as support i buy self help books from amazon and talk to my mother constantly. My friends are well intentioned but not cutting it. they mean well but cut them slack cus they simply do not understand. Your a young man with a brilliant education, you have no idea how desired that is amongst those that are looking for that. It will be very hard, but you have to pick up, create a strong friend in your head that will literally pick you up through the hard times and comfort you. Id also pray. it is very beneficial. The doom and haze will eventually yield though slowly. You will be happy and you will find a great love, and when you look back you’;ll be proud of the strength you had to create in the hardest times of your life. That is a strength that will always be with and a gift for others you’ll see someday go through similar situations.
Lee- i wish you peace of mind, strength in heart and mind and humor to get you through your hurt. You will make it. Someone needs your love desperately out there, and will return the favor.
-werewolf