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7 Reasons Why Your Break-Up is Killing You

Time heals all wounds. At least, that’s what they tell you when you mention that you’ve been dumped recently (along with giving you that look).

But, does time really heal the wound that’s been brought to you by a break up or divorce?

I think that this is a common misunderstanding. Time would not heal anything if it didn’t force you to go through a certain process.

Time is the medium, the healing is done by you.

Time does heal to a certain degree, but the wounds are not healed effectively, let alone completely, if you don’t contribute anything to the healing process yourself.

Time makes you forget, but your problems are still there. Hidden, but present.

Conscious Healing

Is a break up painful? I know it is. Are you amplifying your pain by improper behavior? Well, let’s see.

For effective and in depth healing you have to take a “conscious healing” approach. That’s what I am teaching in my coaching.

Someone said to me lately that she is doing nothing special to overcome her divorce. Just waiting for time to heal it. What could she do about it anyway?

There are a lot of things you could do to start the “conscious healing”.

A conscious healing approach means that you have to make efforts, like do exercises and shift your state of mind, as opposed to doing nothing, letting the time to work for you.

Before you start with exercises, because you really don’t feel like you need to at the beginning, why not change the few things that directly influence your wellbeing in a negative way?

Why is your Break-Up or Divorce killing you?

There is a common behavior pattern that you see over and over again. People are so overwhelmed by their pain (especially at the beginning of the break up), that they willingly or unwillingly, drift into certain manners.

What are these manners and how are they contributing to your pain?

Please read on.

7 Ways you are Amplifying your Pain

Listed below are the main reasons why people are suffering from a relationship break up more than they should in the first months. This, of course, also implies that when you stop doing these certain things, you will feel much better.

You could call this “indirect healing”, because it doesn’t take a direct initiative, just a change of thinking.

This is much easier, as the first phases of a break up are characterized by a paralyzing lethargy.

Sound’s good?

So, let’s start:

1. Neglecting the Body’s Needs

I know you don’t feel like eating (or some of you eat way too much). I know you don’t want to go jogging. But believe me, you make it worse if you neglect the elementary needs of your body.

If you are not a friend of healthy cuisine, try at the least to maintain your eating habits that you’ve had before your break up or divorce. Never stop working out, jogging or taking part in the sports you used to do.

If you suffer from mental pain, there is no reason to carry it over to your body.

2. Continual Mental Reasoning

I know that you rethink the past events over and over again. It’s almost like a compulsion. You think that maybe you were missing something and if you relive the break up, then it would make sense eventually.

You have to realize one thing: It is not your obligation to suffer!

This vicious cycle of thought is one of the main reasons for your suffering. You must break out of it.

Distraction and mind-control through meditation are the keys for getting over this blocker.

3. Isolation

Never isolate yourself for better suffering.

Call all your friends, make appointments, so that you don’t have to spend a minute alone. Go sporting, go on vacation, meet people. Action is the key.

Isolation gives you time to think. Thinking is bad for you now.

4. Trying to get your Ex Back

Hope is a very dangerous thing. At least in a break up.

There are no rules whether it is possible to get your Ex back or not. But I strongly advise you to accept the fact that the relationship is over, rather than to try to get back your Ex despairingly.

If you really want to get your Ex back (chances are that you will not with time), then your odds will be much higher when you become a stable personality again.

5. High Ex-Attachment

It is very important that you clean up your place from all the things which remind you of your Ex. Put all the photos, CDs, letters, gifts in a big box and hide it in the cellar. Don’t throw it away, you might regret this one day.

I cannot emphasize the importance of this enough.

Another very vital factor to your healing is the no-contact rule. Once you know that it’s over and there is no more business you have to do regarding the divorce or break up, you should cut off the contact to your Ex completely. No phone calls, no e-mails, no text-messages. Don’t go to the places you could meet accidentally.

Believe me, it’s for your own good and this is the only way.

6. Taking No Charge

You have to realize, especially at the beginning, that it’s yourself who is responsible for your healing and happiness. Your Ex does not cause your pain, you do it to yourself with the mindset that you need your Ex to be happy.

Your Ex is not responsible for your happiness!

If you consciously take charge, and realize that it’s only you who can make a change, then you’ve made the first step towards a happier life.

7. Self-Punishment

There is something I constantly observe when working with clients: Most break up victims have an affinity for suffering, a self-induced compulsion to feel the pain. It is almost like “Oh, this is a break up, so I have an obligation to suffer!”.

Trying to break out of this mindset is not easy and causes feelings of guilt. This is the vicious cycle mentioned in no. 2.

Simply resist the compulsion to listen to “your song”, to look at mutual photos, to watch those heart-killing movies, to talk to or stalk your Ex.

Do not torture yourself. Resist!

I know that you may think that these things are your last connection to your Ex, but believe me when I say: all they cause is pain.

You have a right to be free and feel good. It’s your choice.

Conclusion

The first months of a break up or divorce are extremely difficult. There is no motivation for doing anything, not to mention working on self-improvement.

The knowledge of certain behavior patterns which cause pain comes in handy. Avoiding these mistakes cuts off a good part of your arduous journey which lies ahead.

Then you will gain the power to take the “conscious healing” approach and not only survive your break up, but gain so much more.

That is the prize which makes all the suffering worthwhile.

Your friend,

Eddie

(Photograph is from istockphoto / hidesy)

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98 Responses to 7 Reasons Why Your Break-Up is Killing You

  1. Susan May 1, 2009 at 10:39 pm #

    My husband and I just separated 2 weeks ago. There are so many issues that should make it obvious to me that this is the best thing that could have happened. It was a very volatile relationship. I earned most of the income that provided for our lifestyle and financial stability. After we met, his parents contacted me and told me he was a fugitive. I reported him to the local police department and he was extradited back to Nevada and put in jail during which time he wrote daily letters declaring his love for me. He said I changed his life; made him know the man he needs to be, etc. We decided to marry so he could come live with me as I own a house and have a stable income in PA. Well he tried I guess. In less that 2 years he went through 8 jobs… fired from at least 5. I asked him to contribute what he could to the household. He finally admitted that he hates living in PA and wanted to return to Las Vegas and be who he is. So he is doing just that. Playing poker every day. He has gotten 2 jobs in the 2 weeks he’s been there. You don’t have to guess that neither has worked out. In my insane addiction to him I have identified all I did wrong…. expected too much, was too controlling, etc. I have been considering moving to Las Vegas so we can be together. Remember the unstable economy and the current housing market, and one can see that I am truly nuts. So I’m looking for help whereever I can get it. I will be going back to work tomorrow and trying to regain some control over my life. I only need to cancel his phoneline to create a No Contact situation but I’m so fragile that I’m afraid. He senses my weakness and is being that much more cruel. He is the kind of person that should be easy to hate. His own parents said “we never knew what you saw in him”. My family and friends think I’m crazy and I know I’m just rambling so I’ll stop here. I just needed to vent I guess

  2. Nate June 14, 2009 at 6:38 pm #

    My Girlfriend of nine years broke up with me one month ago. I have been in so much pain on and off for the past month I just want to be able to tear these feelings for her from me. I cheated on her multiple times with multiple women over the course of two years. I betrayed trust to such a brazen degree that she should of broken up with me but she didnt. She stood by me in spite of all the emotional and psychological trauma that I put her through. I respected her strength and resolve and I loved who she was. To make a long story short I changed. Two years have passed and I reversed my entire outlook on things, did a total 180, she asked me to move in with her and I did. I was happy. Things seemed to be going well in spite of incessent trust issues. By my own volition she had access to all of my email accounts, phone records, and had my phone pass code. I made it so there was no doubt in her mind that I was being faithful to her. But apparently there was still a doubt.

    On a Friday night I called her saying that I missed her (I work alot)and that I would like to go do something with her. Her response was something along the lines of I just want to hangout with my friends. I said that this was ok and that she should give me a call when she thought that she was going to be home. At about twelve I woke up and called her because I had yet to hear from her and she didnt pick up.

    When I finally got in contact with her it was 5 in the morning. She informed me that she felt that she could not trust me and that because of this that she could no longer continue the relationship. The next night she didnt get home until 3 am. After much pestering she finally admited that she was at a new “friends” house and thats where she had been the night before as well.

    A couple of nights ago we where having a phone conversation in which she informed me that she is in love with her new boyfriend.
    I’m really strugling with this. There is a good part of me that wants to fight for her back as she did with me. That same part feels almost as if this a a small pennance for all the hurt that I caused her. I know intelectualy that I need to move on but it is so incredibly difficult.

    I felt as if I needed to make a significant change. A week ago I quit my Job and ended a career path that has given me a great deal of success. I plan on moving away from the area to continue my education to finish my law degree. The only problem is I am having so much difficulty letting go. I just want that phone call to come syaing that shes sorry, she really forgives me, and that shes ready to move on with me. But I know that it will never come. I simply cannot bring myself to really feel that way.
    I made some major mistakes that destroyed our relationship. I genuinely hoped that I could rebuild that which I cast aside so many times. Its not in my nature to give up at anything, yet I know that its time to walk away. So why cant I?

    • Pantone204 November 10, 2011 at 6:50 am #

      Been a while since this post, but it’s what I’m going through now. She was amazing, I took her for granted an broke her trust, and it’s hard to accept that it was my fault. Hang in there, I know how tough it is, I can barely function right now.

  3. Alexandra August 11, 2009 at 2:10 am #

    Hi,
    I am going through this night mare of a break up for just a few weeks. And I am truelly exhausted! I go from accepting the break up to hoping it’d be ok soon.
    Please help. He tells me he really loves me (it was pretty obvious too since we did not have issues and sex was fun and we both were enjoying it!) and it is because that is what he has to do. so he has to make his love for me die down or switch it off or whatever. I do not believe this is possible to love someone and go leave them to do the duty! That is what is giving me hope. He does not contact me though thank goodness. I am all confused really.
    But the main thing is what you are completely right about is that I should finally make a decision to be responsible for my own happiness! Your website is a tremendous help!
    Thanks

  4. Ambrosia September 5, 2009 at 4:29 pm #

    @Alexandra – I feel for you, but I think you’re fighting your own instincts and prolonging your own pain. Your instincts and common sense say that it isn’t possible to love someone and put you through what he’s putting you through. You’re right. Your confusion is the result of your unwilliingness to believe your own common sense. Eddie has a wonderful entry here on the 10 Things You Don’t Want to Hear From Your Ex. Check it out. “I love you” is high on the list. It’s a cruel thing to say to someone you’re leaving. And cowardly. Let him go, Alex. You can do better.

  5. Ambrosia September 5, 2009 at 4:39 pm #

    @Nate – I see a lot of guilt and self-blame in your note, even a sense that you’re now being justly punished and should hang in there out of a sense of duty, as much as love.

    In a sense, what you did in the past doesn’t matter. What’s important is the here and now. You changed, you were ready to commit, and your girlfriend, for whatever reason, was still uncomfortable. You did all you could. She still chose otherwise.

    I don’t think you should fight for her. I do think you should make it plain to her that you care for her still, but that you respect her decision. I repeat: Let her know that you accept the breakup.

    Do not call her or repeatedly contact her. Let her know that you accept the end of your relationship and wish her the best. Tell her that you’re also looking forward to some wonderful changes in your life.

    If she has any interest in your whatsoever, that statement alone will get her attention. If she’s gaming you, then she’ll realize that she really could lose you and come back. If she’s sincere about wanting to be free, then she’ll have to appreciate your respectful acceptance of her decision.

    Either way you win.

  6. PeterC September 24, 2009 at 11:10 pm #

    @Susan

    Susan – I’m really sorry to hear about all the stress and difficulties you’ve been having. It’s important that you look after yourself though, even if that’s without him. Ask yourself honesty if your life is more balanced without him. Also have a Google for codependency. Good luck, Peter.

  7. Michael October 6, 2009 at 11:13 pm #

    My Girlfriend and I broke up less than a week ago – I am not taking this well ! She told me Im not the guy she wants to spend her rest of her life with ! ! But I know she is just saying that because it has happed 3 times in the last year and we get back together, as soon as we get back together she tells me she missed me and she was happy I was back in her arms. Unfortunally, everytime she shuts down and dont want to talk! I have been faithful 100%, cook her dinner, send her Gifts and Roses, she tells me even after each break up that I am way to nice We never had a fight in the 2.5 years we dated, we always spent times together. She just recently started a new career and she has been under alot of stress! I been there for her, just last week she told me she was thankful I was being there for her, she hugged me and told me she love me.
    I guess, I am more confussed than hurt, dont understand why she shuts down….when I ask her she tells me thats what she does ! I dont believe thats healthy for her or me. I know I made I huge mistake today, while she was at work, I took a dozen Roses, A Card and had Dinner for her on her front step……She has not called me yet and I dont know if she will. By the way, the dinner was left on a ice chest with Ice (Sushi) we both hated Sushi until we once decided to try it !
    Our sex life went down the hill, she even told me two weeks ago that she felt bad because she wasn’t making love to me as much as I would want….I told her I wasn’t in this relationship because of sex……..I know Sex its important in a relationship, but I love her for what she is and not for what I can get from her.
    I know she will miss all the things I did for her!
    Im just confussed !

  8. lee October 25, 2009 at 5:53 pm #

    Your website is great. I am appreciating all of the advice. I am trying to follow it but still having trouble.

    I’ve been going through a rough time and can’t seem to get back on track. My girlfriend and i were together for a little over 6 months, starting last February. in the beginning of the relationship, she was super intense. she told me she loved me a month after dating and said she wanted to move in together, to wake up together every day. we had similar goals, which was a first for me. we both want to settle and want kids. i’m normally very cautious in relationships though. she pressured me to move away with her in august when her lease was going to be up. we were in love, but this all seemed to come fast. i told her let’s see how things go. i was graduating from grad school in may and ready to relocate, myself.

    the summer went by and our relationship was loving as ever. but in june, she started feeling guilty because her mom was drinking a lot and depressed back home, 2000 miles away. she became depressed and worried, feeling like she should go live at home and help her mom. she’s 31, by the way… i never took this too seriously– it seemed like an extreme measure. a little background on my girlfiend–she is three years sober after a 14 year problem with drinking and cocaine. i was worried about her putting herself in this situation with her mom!

    in july we drove out in my car to visit her family and go to her friends wedding. her family situation was indeed disfunctional. it didn’t seem like she could help. but, two days after we got back home from our long trip, she announced to me that she’d put in for a transfer with her job and would be moving home to take care of her mother. she would not say what she wanted with the relationship. she didn’t want to break up and would “always love me” but basically would not have the conversation about our next steps.

    my lease ran out and i had to stay with family. my girlfriend invited me to live with her for her last month in town, but i was hesitant. what would that be like, living with her and then having her leave? it didn’t seem to phase her at all! instead of fully moving in, i ended up crashing with her 4 days a week, then with my mother the other three.

    all month i struggled to have a conversation with her about our future. when things were fine, they were great, but when i brought up talking about our relationship, she would get volatile. she’d raise her voice, grow angry, shut down. it was a side of her i’d never seen. she called me on one of our off days and threatened to not see me anymore if i brought up the relationship the following weekend, but we still had not reached any sort of decision. two weeks later, i was house sitting for a friend, tried to have a talk with her, and she walked out on me and i didn’t hear from her for two days! she said she couldn’t handle the stress of talking about our relationship.

    we explored ideas of breaking up, me moving with her (she said she didn’t want me to because she wanted time to focus on her mother and didn’t want to take out the stress on me). i finally decided to move cross country to california because i wasn’t getting anywhere with her. she wanted to move there too and said she might after a few months. we decided to keep in touch and see each other in october, when hopefully she’d know better what her plan was. but, she never got the time off from work or got her plane ticket. she made excuses because it was a new office and she didn’t want to step on toes…

    i helped her move and saw her off on her last day. i took a plane to CA a few days later, to try to find work and a home. i got a few calls from my girlfriend in the first few days saying that she loved me and missed me. we planned to talk on web cam once she was set up at her mom’s and she was still planning to get her plane ticket.

    unfortunately, i totally broke down after my third day in CA. i was in a new place, hardly knew anyone, and the economy was bad. i felt like i’d made the wrong decision. i felt more depressed and panicked than i had in ages. i called friends for support, and called my girlfriend. she was rude with me. she told me she’d bought a $500 mattress for her room at her mom’s and i asked her if the investment meant she’d decided to stay long term. she blew up at me, saying it was none of my business and said she’d call later. i didn’t hear from her for two days, until she called one night to “see how i was”. she was condescending about my sadness and said she needed space. don’t call her, it’s nothing personal, etc. the next day she deleted our relationship on the social networking site. i called her even though i wasnt “supposed to” to ask her about it and she blew up at me. she put all the blame on me, saying she thought she could keep in touch, but it was my fault that she couldn’t and that she’d said all along that she couldn’t do long distance.

    she hung up on me. i didnt hear from her for a week and didn’t call after the volatile conversation, at which time i got an email in response to a postcard i’d sent before our last conversation. she said the postcard was “sweet” and that she missed me and hoped i was finding everything i wanted. she said she’d love me always and hoped we could be friends and forgive each other someday. so that was it–as if it was final and she was taking no responsibility.

    i called her twice in the next month and didn’t leave a message. i figured if i got her on the phone it was meant to be, if not then it wasn’t. i was a little hesitant about calling her, honestly, but felt i needed to have some closure. noticing she missed a call from me, she called back. the first time we talked, she still raised her voice over mine and said that we “Werent blaming anyone” and that she’d take responsiblity for nothing but moving away. i told her that she was volatile and rageful with me and i didn’t deserve to be treated that way, so i agreed we should break up. she wouldn’t let me talk much more and put down most of my feedback, so i was forced to have a cordial conversation with her and go. she promised to keep in touch via email or phone.

    it was still bothering me, so two weeks later i tried again. when she called back, i asked her why she broke up with me and she said “it’s only the distance”. i asked if it was because i was depressed and she said no. i said that i don’t feel like she’s giving me the real reason and she condescendingly said “that’s bc you are depressed, things don’t make sense when you are depressed”. she quickly said she had to go and would not talk more.

    it’s been a month since we talked on the phone (not counting one im conversation). i feel like a fool because i’m not over it. here’s someone who i felt i’d spend my life with but instead it was a quick whirlwind of distress and blame. i know i deserve better, but for some reason cannot let go. every morning i have troubled dreams about her while i’m half asleep and every day i work toward feeling better. my family and friends think i should be over it by now (it’s been almost two months), but i’m not and i’m so hard on myself about that.

    she im’d me last week and i was unhappy with the shallow conversation, so i’ve blocked her from all of my im programs. i received a text from her two weeks ago but didn’t answer and deleted her from my phone so i wouldn’t be tempted to call again. we are still “friends” on the social networking site. i’m reluctant to delete her from that. perhaps because it’s our last connection and perhaps because we are both over 30 and that seems so teenaged.

    i am back in our home city with my friends, but still without an apartment or job. i feel this is a lot of the reason i’m still holding on to the failed relationship.. i’m working on getting work and a home set up. my dreams to move to CA are put off for now, which i’m sad about, but i feel l can’t handle being in a new place and feeling so depressed. at least where i am now i have friends and family for support.

  9. Erika October 30, 2009 at 4:00 am #

    Me and my boyfriend of over a year and a half broke up about a month and a half ago. I dumped him. I dumped him at the time because of my friends and families comments on how he didnt treat me right but also because i was insecure ofwhether or not he really cared about me. I thought that if he really cared he would protest the break up and tell me how much i meant to him. But i was wrong. All he said to me was k and i didnot hear from him for a week or so later on i recieved a text from him that said fuck you bitch i hope you hve a nice life slut an he left a box that i made him full of everything from our relationship. It broke my heart. The reasn why he did this was because he found out me and one of y past exes had been talking again.
    I know that is probably wrong on my part but i was hurt by this ending just like he was and my ex was their for me.
    My boyfriend(ex) has hooked up with other people to so i didnt ee this as being tat bad. i continued to try to talk to him about us and he ignored me part of the time or mocked me.
    These actions he has done after our breakup have hurt me to the point where i dont want to fix things like i did before.
    My ex from the past wants to begin a relationship with me and this is way too fast for me but i do truly have feelings for him so i could use some advice on that.
    but alsomy ex recently started talking to me again apoligsing for the rude things he has done to me and that he wants to be friends but i dont see how that ispossible after all he has done to hurt me, it would be nice to have some advice on this if anyone has any.

    • Jazz November 19, 2013 at 10:38 pm #

      Erika you sound like a confused needy woman. You ended a relationship, got together with a ex and then your dumped boyfriend apologises and so on and so on. Give men a break altogether for a while until you really know what and who you want.

  10. Werewolf November 1, 2009 at 12:06 am #

    @lee – Lee, listen man, i am sorry. i have been in a very similar situation with a woman i loved more than anyone i ever met. In short, she was pushing me pulling me, wanting me, yelling at me, needing me, hurting me. Oh lord honestly i didnt see the true woman i had dated for so long until a full year had passed and the veil of fog slowly lifted from my eyes. clarity truly takes its time to set in. Lee, its as if she is the sun and your one of her planets revolving orbiting her. At times she pulls you into mercury’s close, proximate orbit, at others she shoves you into the cold far reaches of neptunes lonely oceans of ice, the sun a distant light on your horizon.
    Lee she is very controlling and manipulative and your reassurance of her perpetuates the malady. I was so weak and wimpy to my ex’ she had complete dominion over my thought process and problem solving. I basically always compromised and made in roads so as to keep the peace and remain in her sunshine. I really dont like saying this but you have to let her go. She will be on your heart and mind to much, heartbreak is literally a form of madness; your suffereing already is testament to such. There is no other choice, you suffering on your cross means nothing to her until she needs your reassurance in something in her life. the problem is there is no reciprocity from your ex. and she is narcissistic and possibly a little bi-polar. it seems challenges run in her family and the apple may not be far from the family tree. I wouldnt doubt if her mother has been battling manic depression either.
    The best you can do is realize this an inadvertent blessing. Imagine marrying that?!!? imagine the misery that you would have to manage in the name of “love”! Its not love, its a hard life lesson. A farmer NEVER sows seeds on barren soil. You must realize this. as far as support i buy self help books from amazon and talk to my mother constantly. My friends are well intentioned but not cutting it. they mean well but cut them slack cus they simply do not understand. Your a young man with a brilliant education, you have no idea how desired that is amongst those that are looking for that. It will be very hard, but you have to pick up, create a strong friend in your head that will literally pick you up through the hard times and comfort you. Id also pray. it is very beneficial. The doom and haze will eventually yield though slowly. You will be happy and you will find a great love, and when you look back you';ll be proud of the strength you had to create in the hardest times of your life. That is a strength that will always be with and a gift for others you’ll see someday go through similar situations.
    Lee- i wish you peace of mind, strength in heart and mind and humor to get you through your hurt. You will make it. Someone needs your love desperately out there, and will return the favor.
    -werewolf

  11. lee November 7, 2009 at 9:49 pm #

    @Werewolf – thank you so much for your kind advice. i seriously read it over a few days later because it’s hard for me to train my mind, you know? i woke up today missing her a lot. i was agonizing over why she doesn’t call me (even though she promised to keep in touch– last time i chatted with her on IM’s i asked why she hasn’t called and she made some shallow excuse “oh i was sick and then i was busy, sure ill call”).

    it’s reassuring to hear that others have been through this and that it took you a long time to get over yours. i often feel like a fool because i know she’s over it and perhaps dating (?), and i’ve gotten over other relationships so much quicker (i got out of an 8 year relationship 2 years ago and was over that in a jiffy!), but something about the manipulation and lack of fair closure in this one keeps me ruminating and feeling like it’s my fault. i know, when it comes down to it, i need to heal on my own terms because it’s all about me now… but that’s hard to take and not be hard on myself. i’ve even started anti-depressants, which i know isn’t always recommended… but i can’t go on like this!

    anyways, yes you are right, she was diagnosed as bi polar, but this happened when she was in drug rehab. still, she wasn’t seeking counseling when we were dating and had weened herself off of her medication a year before we met, without the help of a doctor. funny, another person i dated was bipolar (my 8 year relationship), so i am beginning to think that my filters for irregular behavior really aren’t as sharp as they should be. it’s really hard to re-train you mind, though. i wonder if this hot/cold behavior is part of being bipolar?

    again, thanks for taking the time to read and write… still healing, but it’s definitely helpful.

  12. werewolf November 9, 2009 at 7:18 pm #

    @lee – hey, be easy on yourself. There is something about those individuals with bi-polar that make it so hard to manage your feelings with. Its the behavior of high-highs and low-lows, ya know. Barely any middle ground and often very cold behaviors. My experience with this was a woman who one day was just in LOVE with me, and made me fell so important and needed. A week later she would be depressed and cold, untouchable. She used me effectively for her highs and abused me with her lows. She really sucked the goodness out of me as i was totally controlled by her behavior. Years later looking back, i feel bad for that person i was-because it was such a dark and hurtful time. I left thinking i failed her and that i could never love so intensely like that again. Hardest time of my life, period. Took me year to get on my feet,but i did. Looking back that heartbreak made me a much more solid stronger person. She had somebody the first week we broke up! i had to climb a mountain to get back on my feet.
    But she didnt learn, i did. my next realtionship was completely different, much deeper and more meaning. it did not work out but it was by far more fulfilling then that terrible relationship i had with someones emotions that were far to controlling and manipulative. I fell bad for her and wish her well, but the minute i spot that behavior in any prospective woman ive met i steer the hell clear of it! You will to.
    Those types are very self serving and hurtful, once they’ve used you up for whatever there current reassuring need is, they move on and find another to do the same. meanwhile your left with the pieces of abroken heart and the terrible low self esteem basket they left on your front door.
    In short, your beginning to see, you will see, and you will find a better love. Im sure of it. Your a good man for giving yourself unselfishly, you’ll temper that even better in the future and you will be rewarded. my best to you
    take care
    werewolf

  13. lee November 9, 2009 at 8:33 pm #

    @werewolf – your note couldn’t come at a better time. last night on a whim i called her. actually, to be honest, it was the first time i felt strong enough to do so. i’d been looking at her facebook page every day, but too stubborn to engage and delete it, i was torturing myself! still i could not resist looking. last night i saw something flirtatious from a mutual friend on her wall and that was it. none the less, i haven’t felt 100% healed, but definitely more in shape to deal with it than i have in the two months since the break up.

    i called her… just to talk at first, but i started crying right off the bat. i said i thought i was ready to talk and didn’t expect to cry, but obviously was still upset. she said she could let me go. obviously still didn’t want to hear it a month later. after a bit of a struggle and insisting she give me space to speak and she hear me out, i basically just let out all of the hurt i was feeling about the break up. she had never given me the opportunity to talk about my feelings, and our other two conversations i acted falsely calm and surprised when she shut down my response.

    well, this time i didn’t. she said some things such as “well i’m over the break up, sometimes it takes some people longer. i know it hurts. ive been there”. oh well, not like i needed to hear that from her!. she said she’d like to stay friends and catch up, but not if we had to talk about the break up. i said that i don’t feel closure and don’t feel ready for that.

    i was crying the WHOLE time. she said she’d call me after some time/space and i told her that i was tired of her making all of the decisions. please don’t call me, ill call you in a few months when i am ready, i said. then i told her i would be deleting her on facebook for now. she said, okay, if that’s what i want. so i did it. pure panic took me over because it’s the ONLY way i have to see if she’d okay, but i think this one thing is keeping me holding on more than i should. and i don’t need to see her flirtation.

    anyhow, i am in the pits today. haven’t gotten out of bed. i wonder if i did the right thing. i know everything on this site says not to say how you feel about your ex TO your ex, but without an in person break up, and two months passing, i was having trouble still. it definitely slowed down my healing process for now, but i’m wondering if it was the final move i needed to make to get her out of my life and move on.

  14. William December 14, 2009 at 6:15 am #

    @lee

    I hope you are doing better. I just discovered this site. I, myself, have just started started phase one of the healing process. It has helped me immensely so far just by reading all the articles and experiences shared by other members. Thank you.

    I know better days will lay ahead, but break ups never seem to get any easier, do they? For some reason, I get the sense that many of us here are male. Heart break is heart break, regardless of gender, however, I find that the longer the relationship lasted, the more difficult it is for the men when it finally comes to an abrupt end. For me, like trading stocks, or any investment, it takes a while to build confidence in the risk, but after a time, I inevitably become blind to the risks because of the emotional investments tied to it. My two cents.

  15. Mariposa January 7, 2010 at 11:44 am #

    @Werewolf…It really saddens me to see people make statements like your “but the minute i spot that behavior in any prospective woman ive met i steer the hell clear of it!.” Some people really are sincere but things happen. My ex-fiance and I were an instant match but he was so quick to think ill of me and my intentions that there was absolutely nothing I could do to change his mind. He was unable to consider all of the other factors and things I was going thru, the fact that I was 100% honest and genuine with him at all times, or the fact that he was my first real love. Instead, he allowed that thinking to breed so much fear in him that there was no bringing him back to the reality of the situation. And it never had to be that way. Sometimes people do deserve the benefit of the doubt, sometimes women need to know that our men will fight to work things out with us, sometimes we just need patience to allow us to get thru a hard time. Whatever happened to really loving someone? What ever happened to being sincere and genuine? When it comes to matters of the heart, sometimes a bit of naivete may be helpful. I’m 28 y/o and although he was far from my first relationship, he was my first love.I would much rather go on with my innocence in tact than to allow myself to become jaded and fearful in love.

  16. Jeff January 8, 2010 at 3:03 am #

    @Mariposa I agree with you in principle. There is a hard balance between telling all and using discretion. I like to think of a relationship as a marathon rather than a sprint. If we sprint it we spend every waking moment together, tell all our secrets to the neglect of others or our own interests. This is often the way it is in the honeymoon stage of a relationship. You know you are in this if you are skipping sleep, taking on the cell untl 3:am and walking around like a zombie at work the next day (floating yes, but tired too). If you think and get quickly to seeing a healthy relationship as a marathon instead I think it will help immensely.

    In a marathon you take your time. You each have your own separate interests, friends, etc. Oh yes, you share many as well – but not all. That way.. when you come back together your relationship will be more hot and firey! You will have things to talk about and share! To me this is balance and helps with the TELL TOO MUCH TOO SOON problem. And honestly, something may not be wise to share, too quickly or ever! No one person care bear the burdens of another so also consider spreading that around a bit so you don’t wear your love interest or your friends out! Again.. balance is key and that is easy not to have when you are stressing about something major, or as you were, going through some tough stuff that would not last forever.

    Lastly, guys especially too often are looking for Miss Perfect. Not always of course, but it seems more women than men tend to understand people better. I think that is true of you here Mariposa. Often women better seem to understand their men are not perfect nor will ever be. Men can’t seem to understand that about their women! If you read any of those Yahoo relationship articles they post from time to time you will read that a man would rather dump a woman (and fast!) then to be with ‘the wrong woman’! And in this day and age of hyperscared men and sometimes over sharing and overbearing women, men freak. Really they do. They WANT a nice girl that won’t give them grief and they, as you say, are overlooking reality that problems (for women) will pass. I could go on but will stop there.

    And to go along with this modern men don’t deal with stuff. Or at least many (most?) do not. We tend to try to gloss over or avoid problems but that never really works so we do the freak out again a few weeks or months down the road in our relationships. If we had a past bad breakup (such as you read about here on Eddie’s pages) we bury that in our heads. Then, since we did not deal with it, when you act even a little like our ‘psycho-ex’ we want to bug out on you and run away! It is not right at all. Woment can have bad breaks up and things in their pasts too; but they deal with them – talk to friends or family, admit faults, seek counseling, etc. and usually take their time (vs. rebounding) so they are fairly healthy and healed and ready for the next guy.

    Mariposa is right; being fearful in love is not good. But unless both parties are dealing properly with life, past and present – this will continue and cause more heartache. We all want a trusted, loving relationship; a safe place to land at the end of a hard week. But this is more intentional than we want to admit. Sure.. I want innocence and naivetity as well; but I think that only comes when I can look you in the eye and say: Hey, I am only human and I have my hurts too, let’s talk about them when the time is right for you and let’s also not talk about them all the time. I love you and want to know you and you me. And I want to share the fun and silly stuff and the magic as well. I want the whole package my dear and am not in a rush to demand it all today.

    Life is about living and loving and hurting and healing together. I have an ex too and I am a man who is currently alone partly b/c of the fears addressed here today. But I am reading and dealing and talking to others so that maybe one day; I will be ready to have someone special again.

  17. hk March 3, 2010 at 8:47 am #

    @Nate – Your situation sounds so much like mine…it acaully made me ask myself if i had already posted on this site. My relationship was only 3 years, but like yourself, we had many tribulations in our time together. Trust was our biggest hurdle and what evenually ended the relationship. We had both lied, cheated, and forgave so many times that it acaully seems like it happened every three months, but nevertheless i loved her with every ounce of my heart and i was willing to change anything and everything to make her happy with me. The problem was, she didnt want to change with me, she wouldnt meet me half way. I felt like the success or the failure of the relationship all rested upon my shoulders. We lived together for about a year and i truley beleive that to be our worst mistake of the entire relationship. Living together caused more problems than anything else…(or at least it ran a very close race with her parents) but we worke through it together and made it through it, She got her own place and our relstionship returned to normal (whatever that may be). To make a long story short, i thought our relationship was about to turn a new corner and improve. After a great weekend alone, just me and her, i thought everything was going to be fantastic, but Monday came around and after she got off from work, she went to a freinds house and everything fell completely apart. Shw wouldnt talk to me, she wouldnt answer my calls or texts or e-mails. I was totally confused, and growing more and more angry with every passing day. All i wanted was to talk, and try to understand what the problem was and when it occured, but she wouldnt let that happen. Shortly after, she blocked my number from her phone and blocked all other forms of communication with me. I still love her and care about her just as i did at the peak of our relationship, and i am still greatly confused and hurt. I feel like i at least deserve some sort of closure to all my efforts and time i gave to the relationship. I feel as if the last three years of my life were nothing but a waste. Its been about a month and a half since i last spoke to her (since the breakup occured). Its good to knowe im not alone, or that im not craqzy for still loving her and wanting to do all i can to be with her. It feels as if the entire world is out to keep us apart and maybe its for a good reason.

  18. Kathy March 7, 2010 at 6:08 pm #

    @hk – Dear Nate; I myself I am trying to look for some kind of closure.. Even if the outcome is one I do not want to hear.. But at least Something.. I do cry mysef cry myself to sleep wondering WHY??? I know there is no magic solution nor a magic potion one can take to make these feelings go away.. I wish youi the best sometimes closure comes from within.. one day it will be different..Kathleen

  19. Terri April 4, 2010 at 5:40 pm #

    I am thankful to have found this website.

    Has been 10 days not since I was broken up with and I am dying inside. His reasons, that he told me, are that he wants to die alone.

    He has stage 3-4 heart failure, pacemaker dependent, on disability and his health has been declining for months now.

    He told me he can not be in a relationship due to his declining health and when he broke up with me he told me all sorts of hurtful things, so I really do not know what to believe.

    What happed to our love? We were so in love!

    Sure I saw things over the almost 2 years we were together change, going from madly inl;ove to a more “setteled” relationship, did not think too much about it.

    In retrospect, I see differently now.

    I have to let him be, he told me he loves me, but is not inlove with me.

    I think we are better together than apart, but I must respect his decision.

    This is so painful, again I am dying inside, need to find out how to live again.

  20. Rachel April 28, 2010 at 3:58 pm #

    Thank you so much Eddie, your points really helped. Even though I knew most of this, it helped me tremendously to read it. Thank you.

  21. Ang April 28, 2010 at 5:52 pm #

    Okay guys I need ur help! I will try to keep this as short as possible. I dated my ex for 9 years (engaged for 2 and at that time owned a home together) Im 25 now, yes we starting dating at 15! We split a year ago, but still have a lot mutual friends ( we all grew up together). He satrted dating our next door neighbour right after we moved out of our home in May of 2009 and continued to lead me on and sleep with me off and on until the end of July! I started dating someone else in September after I found out about him and the nieghbour at the end of July…way too early I know…and that relationship ended a couple of days ago (by my choice knowing that I have not let go of my ex-fiance and can’t give him what he needs from me, as much as he is a great man…I don’t want to hurt him any longer). He was a mutal friend of my ex-fiance and myself..even worse I know. So this complicate things even further. My ex was calling me around Christmas time telling me that he wanted to get back together and that he would spend his life proving to me that I could trust him, that he loved me and I completed him, etc…I said no becasue at the time I was in a relationship (keeping in mind he is still with the other women). Now I face a problem…he just bought a new house very close to my best friend (who is also engaged to his best friend)…and his gf is “living” with him. So I know that eventually she and my best friend will probably spend some time together and become friends because of how close the boys are. This kills me!!! She is replacing me and I hate it!!! She colored her hair the same as mine, bought the motorcycle that I was going to buy, and it sucks!!! He tells my best friend that he doesn’t see his relationship lasting with this women, but his actions show otherwise. they do everything together and are always together. I can get over the fact that she will eventually be doing all of the things that I used to do with the people I have loved and known all my life. She has already replaced me with his family and now is moving in on my friends!!! How do I accept it and comes to terms with it? I feel like I have lost him, and his family already…and soon I will have to face that my best friend and his new gf will be friends? It makes me want to puke. i think about it and get sick to my stomach. I cry about it at night and hope that it will never happen (knowing that she is already starting to come around and visit and hang out with the friends that aren’t as close to me anymore. How in Gods name am I supposed to do that??? Oh and the worst part is he “says” he is still in love with me! Also, we see eachother at events probably like once every few months. So far neither of us have taken our “partners” with us, so we haven’t had to deal with that yet. Thank God! What do I do? Let go of all of my friends that I have grown up with so I don’t have to be remined of the pain and hurt? Or do I try and deal with the fact that she is replacing me and that things are going to keep changing. It’s like one by one she is taking everything that I love away from me and loving every minute of it. Eventually I will be left with nothing and the people who are in the wrong will be able to contiue on with life as if nothing has happened. keeping the same friends and sharing the same great times together. I lose again :( Please anyone who can help me I could use some advise.

  22. Rachel April 28, 2010 at 3:25 pm #

    Thank you so much Eddie, your points really helped. Even though I knew most of this, it helped me tremendously to read it. Thank you.

  23. texasgirl June 30, 2010 at 5:53 am #

    ok, it's been over 72 hours of no contact from me to him…except he sent me a bunch of pics from our past to my email today…gggrrrrrr…..i only opened it to see what it was and then i sent it all to delete. i have spent all day agonizing over why and what it meant etc. driving myself crazy.i then did some facebook stalking and that didnt help a thing. he just looks so happy and together and i cant stand it. but then i read eddie's words on how his lack of love or interest cant control my own happiness. so now i am going to work on that . this is so hard. peace to all ya'll on this site….i know i am not the only one hurting.

    • Hurtsalot July 4, 2010 at 5:53 am #

      Texasgirl, I am right there with you…trust me but my situation is beyond anyone;s comprehension and unconventional to say the least. Its very hard because these ppl were our rocks, they were what we relied on for things, even the smallest of things and now we are left to pick it up ourselves and even though this will make us a bigger and better person it just still hurts… ive had my share of burdens and this is the last thing i needed… you are not alone in this trust me. ,I have already spoken to him about how i feel and he is very receptive, he is not telling me he is not wanting to be with me but other factors are leading to it. I hate it… i want control over my emotions but i think it really does take its time but its the in between that hurts us… i know. Im starting to feel if i am ever going to find someone that can love me the way i can love them u know… i am already seeing a psychiatrist because it was too much for me to handle at one time (i had personal, health problems) so its scary and lonely… hang in there and we can relate to each other… be strong.

  24. Smiffy! July 13, 2010 at 10:16 pm #

    i was with a girl for 1 year and 5 months and was long distance relationship and we didnt see much but we was soo much in love, even tho was hard, we did alot and we was so close we talked bout future together and stuff. but now she broke up with me cause she said was too far and she got a new bf but said if i cud see her we be together, like she needs to be held and cuddled and i couldnt do that for her. but as months went on since break up she wishes was with me still cause he isnt as great and sweet like me but last week she feels his the one not me nomore and sayin she fell out of love for me.. i really dont understand how all this happened, i wish she was honest when she left and didnt give me false hope after break up, im not mad at her im just so hurt cause i thought she was the one for me and i love her sooo much and i wish i was with her now but i feel she does have feeling for me cause how we was and things said when with him but my love is ruining our friendship and she says she cares bout me alot and wants me happy, as been times where we get closer and she hides her feelings for me cause of him (well what i feel), but shes hates how i am or act, and if she mad at me or bit annoyed she say sorry everytime and i seen how people break up we wasnt mean or argued, i just dont know what to do, many of my friends dont understand or my family…. i still feel we have a future or am i just scared to let go? i could use some help please.

    • Habibah Ahmed August 28, 2010 at 1:47 am #

      Hi! I think ur scared to let go. This post is old so i'm not sure where ur at with ur feelings etc now but it seems to me with all that distance you both should be with people u can see and hug. U deserve that too.

  25. Tristan August 22, 2010 at 10:37 pm #

    i think your information was just what i was looking for and i thank you very much,as i am traped in a bad relationship and have a child with her and a child with another person from the past,she has two of her own,i'v been with her for 7 years and its been a nightmare since we had a baby together.she give up entirly and i just feel so alone.she sleeps on the couch an i sleep in bed,she dose no house work and degrades the children.i have studied everthing and it makes it worse cos i can see it more,but whatever i say just makes maters worse.she has no love and very thik skin.

  26. sarah November 7, 2010 at 8:15 pm #

    I looked at this article about 20 days into my break up, at that time I didn't really care about making things better, I almost loved the pain I was drenching myself in, but I convinced myself that if I don't move forward I'll just fall behind cause the world isn't going to wait for me! So, I wrote the key points of this list down and I got to action. In the following weeks they were my bible, I followed as many as I could and kept them with me to look at when I was a little lost about what to do some days.

    I'm now around 47 days into the break up and surprisingly, I've completely stopped/avoided 1,3,4,5,6,7 now! 2 I'm still working on, cause I'm a very analytical person and it's hard for me not to think, I sometimes catch myself thinking of the past and cut an end to it though.

    Thank you Eddie. Would've taken me a LOT longer to pick myself back up if I hadn't found this article at the right time.

    • Eddie Corbano November 8, 2010 at 9:03 am #

      Thank you Sarah, I am happy you are doing better.

  27. Janice November 7, 2010 at 8:31 pm #

    Ive been suffering from breakup this past 2 months ago.i thought i forgot him already coz i can smile and once in a while date other guys already,but i reealize everytime i see places and do things we did together i still remember him and felt so pain every time..he left me without saying anything..sms or even a short goodbye we dont have..he left me hanging and sometimes still hoping he buzz me and give closure to our relationship..but dont have..im tired lying to myself that i move on but im not..

  28. Eddie Corbano January 13, 2011 at 6:33 am #

    HI DarkAngel, welcome to the community.

    Please check out these two articles:

    http://lovesagame.com/the-secret-how-to-get-over-a-break-up/
    http://lovesagame.com/no-contact-help-how-to-fight-the-urge-to-contact-your-ex/

  29. Stoned January 31, 2011 at 6:15 pm #

    idk what is this feeling.. may be just like mentioned above..
    im out of contact frm my ex since 11 months i guess..i was fine in between.. i moved on i guess..i even talkd with a new guy in chat.. good.. so just made exclusive relationship.. but i dont think im in love with this one.. i dont get the real feelings i used to get.. The problem is there is a thing haunting me every second..(i got pregnant with dat ex *and aborted but deep inside i wanted dat baby.. (im 20 only but it doesnt matter my age cant handle a kid, see ive even have huge ego…every human has) this things is haunting me alot.. everywhere i go i miss the fact i lost a part of me(forcefully) idk what da hell my ex is doing… afer abortion i had to left that country… so i’m 1000 miles far from ass!… but here now there’s a new guy met thru internet (hes good ok) but i cant make myself OK or fine i dont know what.. i feel empty seriously.. just like you mentioned devastated. :( help… i cant even share this with friends.. they are like what its your fault loving dat guy making bf and all but how i feel may be you Know .. Help me :( i cry sometime without anyreason crying over the fact something is missing in me.. may be i miss him alot but i dnt want to.. he aint worth i have realized but somehow i cant make my self ok when i want to. :( help me what do i do..
    i go out work /shoppping and all i miss him in me. I see babies(new born) rips my heart feeling more worst! not having what i wished.Moreover the person is not with me. ( i cant even talk about this to the new guy hope fully i wont even cant) i did tried to make my self busy so i did at the end of the day i’m not happy just empty .. help eddie :(

  30. Damaged82 October 17, 2011 at 12:08 am #

    The feeling is like death in the family but I know this too shall pass. I finally broke it off with my son father due to a reoccurring problem of his cheating on social networking websites. It has been a stormy 10 years. Emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and physical abuse I endured thru the years. Financial abuse. Its funny that this cheating was the straw that broke my back after everything I went thru. I know its all for the better and I know where I messed up. I was a young kid when we hooked up, 18 years old, who was for the most part pretty up front and honest about things. I used to expect the same from other people I met.  I have learned that all people are not necessarily good and honest. At least with their intentions. I took him as an honest person and I trusted and believed the things he said. I am 28 years old now. I have a 9 yr old son with this man. He had a lot of red flags that I missed or ignored due to my low self esteem, history of being abused, and low self worth. I disclosed my true honest past of being abused with him and he used it against me over the years. I am trying to be strong because all this is fresh like a week and a half if even that. Today I go to pick up my son and there is already a woman leaving the apt. I could have died! I was out of breath. I picked up my son and cried in the car for a while as I could not hold it in. My child never saw the woman as the kids (yes he has more kids) were in the back room but I was still shocked at how recent women are coming around now and the fact that this chick was a neighbor of ours at one point. I suppose this was alerting me to the fact that this was going on the whole time. I need counseling because I really have some issues that I dont think the standard  breakup checklist alone can help me with. The problem now is finding affordable counseling for a single mother in my condition. My son and I live with my mother now and I am unemployed. I cant afford a therapist but I am dealing with abuse issues and self esteem depression and I need real help putting my life back together. I live in Northern California….

  31. BABA...BABABOOMANDCRASH November 28, 2011 at 4:54 am #

    NC day 6 (7days ago dumped) I think Im done crying nowat least the constant crying I DONT want to suffer Im too old to keep going thru this crap..43 divorced and behind me a zillion breakups but only a few serious ones..the first tore me apart for 10 yrs this one now has left me feeling blindsided and so sad this was so real non obsessive non rebound true honest stable content feelings of love and now Ive been so angry but even that has lessened..He was awesome, I loved him truly I need to accept and let him go..acceptance is coming, I feel it it taking over it may take a while, everytime i think I want to contact him in anyway when i read the angry letter it reminds me then I come back to this site and it all makes so much sense…NC is for me…and for him even if I dont like it. I have to take care of me, who else will? if i dont love me and help myself who really will? we are all alone on some level traversing this earth. We love and are loved but our experiences are ultimately ours and alone.  So love yourself dont let the breakup kill you.

  32. Vidumini Pamuditha May 18, 2012 at 9:51 am #

    this post persuaded me so much to make me feel content…thank you eddie for your advice…luv it so much..i feel so sad at first becoz of ma break up..bt after reading i realized the truth…

  33. hurt&confused February 17, 2013 at 6:17 am #

    My first relationship began when I was 25 years old. I had loved before, but never been in a serious relationship. I suppose I was naive and inexperienced. I spent much of my life focused on school and work until one day he found me. At the time, I wasn’t looking to date anyone, but I did sit and reflect about when I would meet my true love and if that person existed. I was in a sense still very innocent.

    When he asked me out at first I was hesitant and cautious. I wanted to know more about this person before dating. I agreed to communicate by e-mail since we lived in different cities. He was prompt and seem to pay very close attention to me. He seem nice at first and over a few months got to know one another.

    There were red flags I should have not overlooked, but I didn’t want to pass judgement too quickly on him. A month into e-mailing, I discovered that he had reached out to other young women online. I discovered one woman had a picture of his dog as her msn profile picture. I confronted him, and told him that I don’t think it’s a good idea to continue to communicate and that I apologize because he wasn’t who I thought he was.

    I decided that this was a warning I could not overlook and ignored his e-mails. He then begged me to talk to him again, and told me that he does not want me to see him in a bad light. He told me that those women were just friends and that I had nothing to worry about. He told me that without a message from me was agony for him, that the world did not move. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt while remaining cautious. We continued to correspond and eventually to take the relationship one step further, meeting up on weekends for dates.

    He lived 2 hours from me and so we began the long distance journey. We met up on weekends and spent as much time together as possible. He seem like a nice person at the start so I agreed to give it a fair chance. He showed me that he had deleted all of the female contacts in question on his msn. There were red flags which I ignored due to being blinded by love. There were aspects of his past that I should have not ignored. When he first met me, he told me that he was no longer dating his ex (with whom he lived with for 9 years). They owned a home together and he told me that she had moved out and they had broken up in the summer. Later on he revealed that she actually moved in back with him during and right up to the time we began dating. He even admit that he and her were rekindling their relationship. I was very hurt by this and I should have left then and there…. but I was naive and continued.

    His ex moved out, he completed paper work ending the process with lawyers. This was a major red flag that I ignored.

    I am a smart, educated, and attractive woman; sometimes I wonder why I decided to give this person my love. But truth be told, I did love him with all of my heart.

    We dated for nearly 3 years. The first year went well, but I felt like they were moving way too fast for me, at the speed of light. After our first date, he immediately talked about the future; then after only a month of dating he bought a ring and proposed. This was my first real relationship so I began to wonder is this normal. He told me he loved me so easy and that he wanted to move to where I was to make it work. When the time finally came, he backed away and told me that moving for me wasn’t worth loosing his job over ….even if he was to get a new one. At the time he got his bosses job, and told me he didn’t want to move so he could stay and be “the boss.” Also, he cared for his house and material possessions. He ended the relationship and engagement and went as far as to tell me to not contact him unless it was to return the ring. I returned his ring.

    Immediately after he received it, he began e-mailing me, texting me saying: “Thanks a lot for not wishing me a happy birthday and returning my ring on my birthday.” It was what he asked. I did not do anything wrong.

    He asked me to return to him and I was reluctant, but I still loved him so I decided to try. It was ups and downs for the next year or so until I put an end to it in the summer time. At the time, I was losing my job and was looking for work to be closer to him to make the relationship work. He didn’t seem to really care about, didn’t help me look for work, didn’t offer support. I felt a lot of stress, and completely alone. I felt as if I had been lying to myself and fooling myself into believing that he loved me. In the summer of 2012, I ended my relationship and ended all communication. He e-mailed me in the months following asking if I still loved him. He had called me worthless and names during the course of our relationship. In his messages of plea, he said the reason why he called me names was because he was worried he would lose me, He wrote and I continued to ignore and not respond.

    Then in October he began messaging my phone like frantic. Asking me to take him back. I said no.

    All the while, I still loved him. I know you must be reading this and thinking boy isn’t she stupid and yes I do blame myself. I find it hard to forgive myself for still loving him., especially after all he did. He really did break something inside of me, my innocence, my heart. He ruined my self esteem. Yet I held onto the good moments and continued to love him. In November I reached out to him hoping he had changed and realized his mistakes. He said he would be a better man if I gave him another chance. I did, but I wanted to take things slow.

    Near Christmas he broke up with me again blaming me for his frustrations. In our time together, I never once spoke ill of him to coworkers or anyone; he in turn always spoke poorly of me at his work, to his friends and family. He also went as far as to call me foul names. I made the decision to let go and say goodbye for the last time. It hurt me, everything that transpired. He wasn’t who I hoped he would be and maybe I should have not ignored all of the warning signs.

    In late January of 2013, he text me one night asking if I would see him again. I did not reply.

    I feel like I never got closure from this relationship or understood why he acted the way he did toward me. I sometimes blamed myself, asking myself…. did I do something wrong. Thing is, I loved him and I still do. I wish the heart could heal but I feel broken.

  34. James March 22, 2013 at 4:59 am #

    Hi,
    I was dating my girlfriend for 3 and half years. When we first started dating she would do everything for me, she would send me flowers and cards and bake me cookies. She would tell me how much she loved me everyday and after 3 months she admitted that she was madly in love with me.
    The truth is i was madly in love with her too, but I was harbouring distrust and resentment towards her past. She had been with 12 other men by the time she was 17. That was when we met.
    I put her through a tough time as i tried to break it off over the first couple of years. We managed to endure the pain. When we would date we were so happy. when we would argue i would call her a slut if the moment got really heated. I regret it.

    Years later she was still devoted to me. She gave me the world, freedom and love. She would come to my house and cook and clean, we would have steamy hot sex and we were the envy of all other couples.

    Deep down i was so in love with her. I found it difficult to show her and when we would fight i would tell her it was my way or the highway. She must have felt unimportant.

    We were going so well, we had such great times together. 1 month before we broke up she sent me a letter telling me how she wanted to have children with me and grow old with me. She told me she was more in love with me than ever before.

    She had gone on a holiday for one week with some friends. I always responded to her poorly when she went away to punish her so she would stop going away so much.

    When she came back she told me that she no longer wanted to be with me. she told me she felt like she was too young and needed to enjoy her life. She said she didn’t want to be with another man but she needed to find herself. All she had been trying to do was impress me for the last 2 years and she felt like she was unimportant to me.

    I love her dearly. I responded poorly. 1st week. I missed her some much on the second week. I don’t want to live without her. The thing is we were going fine. She was acting so loving towards me in the upcoming weeks.
    I pleaded for her to take me back and show her that i trust her and that i can change.
    She basically told me it was over but she wants to be friends because i am her best friend.
    She loves me but she is not in love with me anymore.

    I truly believe i can change for her. She is amazing, smart and beautiful.

    I miss her skin, touch and smell.

    We hung out the other night and she wouldn’t kiss me. she told me that she wants to keep our boundaries and we are just friends.

    I thought she loved me and i feel so betrayed. I want her back. I did think this was a test, however she is pushing me away so hard I have lost al hope.
    I feel like i am not a man anymore.
    I can’t let her go. sleeping with other women will only make it worse.

  35. Katy March 29, 2013 at 8:24 am #

    I was with my husband for almost 13 years. Since high school. We were married at 21 and have 2 babes. Joint ownership of a house = joint mortgage. We separated in 2011 for 9 months (as a result of his ongoing depression – that he wouldn’t face – and it’s effect on my own mental wellbeing and the children’s) before he came back, post therapy, on medication, full of apologies and good intentions (he had numerous sexual partners during this break – I did not). By September of last year things were awful. He didn’t want to be with me. Ever. He didn’t want intimacy, he didn’t want to spend time with me, he just wanted to go out with his friends and meet new people. He would stay out til 5 or 6 in the morning, never letting me know where he was or when he’d be back. He would forget to pick the kids up from their after school care (he finished work before I do – I’ve been working really hard to earn a promotion so we could afford to do more fun things). He’d skip work, blowing it off by claiming he had to stay home to look after one of the kids. Then he’d get so drunk on a Friday night that he missed their sports games on the Saturday. We spent New Years at a party together. He wasn’t around me all night. He missed the midnight countdown. He criticised what I wore. What I ate. How I treated the kids. He told people he met (that I have since met) that I was a complete bitch. holding him back, that I was so difficult to deal with. All I wanted was for him to want me. I let him know that I wasn’t happy, but I never really bitched him out. I tried to be what it seemed like he wanted. He moved out mid February after a heart to heart, when he conceded that he just didn’t want to change his behaviours, and I accepted that I couldn’t be happy living like this any longer. I’m 30 years old, and I deserve someone who wants me! I was really excited a few weeks ago when I had an actual, by the freaking book, one night stand. As in, the 2nd person I’ve ever slept with. No self judgement, no regret, just a little self affirming getting laid (while a little drunk, admittedly). I don’t want him back. But yesterday he introduced his new girlfriend to our kids. A girlfriend I didn’t know about. A girlfriend he’s been dating for 5 weeks. As in, about a week after he moved out. Yeah. And when I got pissed, he couldn’t understand. He doesn’t understand. It’s not the girlfriend part (though the speed of this development makes me wince a little). It’s the thinking it’s ok to bring a new partner into my kids life after 5 weeks. And the not recognising why this should be discussed prior. The hell is wrong with him?! I’m just venting now. I’m going to stop.

  36. Erica May 5, 2013 at 7:23 pm #

    I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years while I was sick. He took me to a psychiatrist and my diagnosis was a nervous breakdown and depression. I was devastated and on medication. I sensed that he wanted to move on and was just hanging on to me for no reason. While this was going on my doctor demanded me to take off work for a month. It was a horrible situation. I went back to my parents house to recover. It was relaxing at my parents house. My bf at the time would come visit and I didn’t feel like talking at all. Then all of a sudden I found the courage to break up with him. I was already getting harassed at work about vicious rumors of him cheating on me. So I called him; his response: Are you sure? It was heart breaking to me. Because I wanted to marry him and he never proposed. I was like 8 years and that’s your response.
    He didn’t even put up a fight for me. God showed me his true colors. I’m still sad about it. I told my psychiatrist and he blamed my breakdown on my difficult relationship. That is so sad. I’m not 100% healed. But I feel so naive for loving him and he was my first serious relationship. I guess the signs were there. I was just in denial and ignored them. Now I can’t sleep at all or focus in college. I have two finance classes left and I’m having hard time concentrating to pass my exams. I pray everyday for God to heal me. 11 months later; depression is gone. But I’m relying on medicine to sleep at 29 years old. I have anxiety and adhd. I use to be so happy. Now I just want my inner peace and joy back. I forgot to mention he was controlling and just didn’t want me around my family much. But I told him my family is a part of me. Not sure why I was hanging on to him except for the fact that I loved him dearly. He contacted my once by email in Jan 2013, apologizing. But he added that his mother convinced him to apologize. So that was just odd. I just had to let all of this off my chest. Good luck to everyone getting over relationships. I just want to move on and finish my education. Peace to all! :-)

  37. Katia May 10, 2013 at 4:20 am #

    My ex broke up with me a month ago. We had been together for 3 years.

    It’s confusing and painful, because he still loves me, and he says i’m the ideal women, and he would see himself with me in the future. But he broke up because he thinks he could cheat on me one day. He doesn’t want to have the regrets of not having had relationships and sex with many people in his life. But our relationship was great, we had wonderful complicity, trust, and we were both really physically pleased with each other.

    I feel like he threw away a wonderful relationship for a really immature reason. He sounds like a 16 years old.

    It is really painful because I now live alone, I miss him all the time, I can’t seem to find a way to be happy right now, and at the same time I’m REALLY angry at him for giving up on us at the first doubt he ever had. It’s normal to have these kind of doubts when a relationship get serious. You can’t just bail every time it happens.

    Men really have commitment issues, what’s wrong with them! And why the hell do they want to fuck everything that moves instead of having something great with one person. Really. I never thought he would be like that, but he told me he might have changed.

    I feel sad and angry at him all the time, and i’m mad he can’t be there for me anymore. I feel really disrespected in this.

  38. alistair November 19, 2013 at 10:41 pm #

    Your website really helps. I feel very confident with all the advice. Thanks again.

  39. Gabs October 30, 2014 at 6:28 pm #

    I had decided to finally end things with my boyfriend. We have been fighting for most of our relationship and we have been together less than a year. Fighting this much obviously tells us that we should not be together but for some reason something keeps us holding on.
    When we are physically together (hanging out and spending time together) I feel that he has feelings for me and means it when he tells me he loves me. He is affectionate and for the first 3 months of our relationship, things were really great between us.

    After 3 months, I went to visit my hometown for more than a month over summer and he went to another country for work. When we left, I just felt extremely anxious and insecure.
    But before that I should probably mention that from the start of our relationship, it was already very confusing. It started out with a bad feeling. I am a believer in intuition and gut feelings… my gut feelings in the past has been 90% right. When I first met him, I was instantly attracted to him but the first thing that popped in my mind was “nope, dont even think about it.” basically my mind knew it was a bad idea.

    But for some reason, we start talking and i felt the spark there but his actions were a little confusing. One day after weeks of wondering if he is into me or not, he invites me to a family party and we have a great time. At that point I still was not sure if he was interested or just interested in being friends. I never make the first move so I just went with it until the end of the night, he actually comes to me last minute and he kisses me. So I thought “well there is my answer, it’s more than friends” So we hung out a few more times after that and we were affectionate and practically seeing each other.

    He is not very good at communicating because he doesn’t speak english all that well but he definitely speaks enough and understands fully. But there was a language barrier at first and so I thought maybe thats why we had a lot of misunderstandings. The biggest misunderstanding was the night he asked me what i wanted from out of this, and so I decided to be completely honest and told him that I was crazy about him and that I was not seeing anyone else and was wondering if he was to. He seemed surprised by this kind of forward attitude. He then tells me that his ex and him had started talking again and that he was confused. My heart sank hearing this but I stayed strong and instead tried being a friend and asked him how he felt about it. He truly seemed confused. I told him that I have worked hard to finally get into a healthy emotional state from my past relationship and do not have any baggage of my past lingering around so I am capable of starting something new w someone with a clean slate. So we left things unclear.

    Two days later, he texted me saying he wanted to me in a healthy emotional state too and did not wanna start anything with anyone with mixed emotions because he wants to give it his 100%. So of course I was heart broken, and i took it as we were ending it. So I thanked him for his honesty and wished him luck w everything, basically a good bye.

    But every few days he would randomly text me. This made me mad and made me think the worse of him. How dare he still text me and talk to me when he has pretty much told me that he was still into his ex. So yess, took him as an ass. This went on for about 2 and a half weeks. He would text me and I would either not reply or reply coldly. One day he was very insistant that I meet him and I said no a few times but it seemed important to him. At this point, I have been feeling so down and even only a few times w the guy, I felt so strongly for him and felt like I lost him evn though I technically never had him. So I decide to surrender to my feelings and go meet him. After that day, things just seemed to naturally work out. He was more consistent and we were back on track until he finally asked me to be his gf.

    But I still never got an explanation on what happened with the ex thing? I didn’t bring it up b.c things were going so well I didn’t wanna rock the boat, but it was bothering me and my fear was that she was still lingering around and would just get in the way eventually.

    So I had confronted him eventually and told him how I felt. He explained that he just needed time to clear his mind and to be healthy so we could start something together. But for some reason, I still did not feel secure. And everytime things start coming out, his story is always changing so it made me feel more uncomfortable to which is the truth. I felt like a second choice, and that he chose me because he told me that she did not want him in that way. So especially after leaving each other for a month or so, I started to feel anxious and felt like somethign was off. I couldn’t explain why or he did not technically DO anything that made me feel off. He was still affectionate and told me he loved me and all but I just couldnt shake the feeling. So this made me a little bit crazy and acted irrational and I take blame for this becuase I fought and fought with him during that time we were apart and pushed him away. I started to blame myself and felt that i had no control over my feelings, but deep down I knew that I felt that way for a reason.

    During this time we have talked about the EX thing. I requested that he did not communicate with her because it makes me uncomfortable and given how we started, it is a reasonable request. He agreed with me and told me that there would be no communication on his part and that he would let me know first if she ever got in contact w him.

    He agreed a lot during this time that I was completely irrational so I did start to believe that he must love me that he is dealing w my crazy ass. And he was understanding and agreed to many of my requests. I even threatened to break things off but he asked me not to do it because he believes that the distance is making us fight and that i should wait til we are together again and everything will be good. I should have stopped my craziness there, but still I continued to feel like an insecure teenage girl (which i am not a teen btw).

    Finally, I am back home and we see each other and things are as affectionate as they have always been. He is very attentive to me and shows a lot of interest and love. But when we did fight he got very defensive when I would ask questions. We still kept fighting though and for some reason even when I did not find a reason NOT to trust him, I still did not and still fought w him. Until finally, I finally found a reason NOT to trust him. He lied to me several times back to back. I find out that he saw his ex gf coz she wanted to drop off a present for him for his bday (when i asked who it was from he said “just a friend” I even asked if it was from an ex and he got defensive and said “i said just a friend!”). I find this out months later and it upsets me and i thought it was crossing the boundaries. After fighting about it, he finally agrees that it was crossing the boundaries and told him that he would tell me everything next time and would not lie anymore. so things are good for a little while until I find out more…. that she planned to coming back to drop off more presents. On top of that, I find texts on his phone between the two of them, and they have kept in touch for most of our relationship. He claims they were innocent but some of the things said on that text did not say innocent. It hurt so bad to catch him in so many lies for one….even after PROMISING me that he would tell me everything and that he did not communicate w her only to find out that he is the first one to communicate w her. He still speaks so very highly of his ex but at the same time can tell me that she means nothing to him and that I am his first choice and he wants to stay w me. But for me its plain and simple, Why keep in touch in that way (it seemed very intimate) if you love me? If I am that important in your life, why risk it? Why can’t you go months without speaking w her? especially knowing how uncomfortable I felt about it and told me he agreed w me. On top of that, he is the kind of man that does not admit to his mistakes and deny things and try to justify his mistakes. I keep asking him to please be honest with me and he keeps promising me that he will but I always catch him in yet another lie. To make things worse, he never mentioned me to his ex. If they are such “good friends” why hide me from her?

    I just feel that his words and his actions are contradicting and I had a hard time knowing the difference between me just being insecure or if I had a reason to feel that way. I can’t help but feel like he will continue to lie to me. And he has not exactly done much to make me beleive him or convinced me that I can trust him. He does not like confrontation and expects me to just trust him again and leave everything alone and move forward. But I feel that I have over committed myself and my gut feeling is telling me what it has been telling me all along. I know he has some kind of feelings for me, but at the same time, he never felt completely mine. I always felt like there was something holding him back from completely committing himself to me.

    It is really hard to let go and for weeks I kept wondering if walking away is the right decision or if I should rationalize and look at the facts. But there must be a reason that I cannot trust him.

    So that is my break up story …I guess Im confused as to why he acts like he really wants to be with me yet can do thse things that he knows would risk losing me. And right now I find it very difficult to function. We were not together very long, but it feels like I am losing him the second time and it hurts no less than the first time. I can’t sleep for more than 3 hours, my body is literally shaking, I feel like i am in physical pain. I have gotten too attached too soon and now I don’t know how to be alone again.

    • Ethan November 6, 2014 at 4:59 pm #

      Hi!
      Might be able to tell you few things regarding your situation. Because I am in his shoes. And it’s even a bit more complicated in my case. But one thing is for sure… Nothing is your fault.
      Girl that I started seeing, while in a process of leaving other girl after few years of not working out, “finally” left, and now I am trying to turn the world upside down to get the back. It’s been 3 months since we broke up, and in those 3 months I completely changed myself, truly and finally, but now she doesn’t want me anymore. I’ve hurt her too many times, and it’s all down to my, and now apart of not being able to live and not seeing future anymore, everything is great :-)… Yes, trying to keep the spirit at least.
      So, what I am trying to tell you, is don’t be hard to yourself nor to him. Fighting is the worst of the ways to work out things. Bad words, insults, yelling… It’s just pushing people away.
      From my point of view, the thing that I missed from the girl that I want to be with, is compassion, to take my hand and tell me “Hey, what happened, happened… Let’s look into the future.” I think that way you’ll show that you love him for no reason at all, just pure affection, and if he is smart enough, he’ll recognise that.
      I’d love to get In touch with you somehow, maybe we can help each other.
      Take care, i am sure it’s all gonna work fine in your case.

  40. elisa November 1, 2014 at 8:59 pm #

    So I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a little over 1 year. We were forced to break up because of my overprotective mother since we were technically in an illegal relationship. Neither of us wanted to end it. But he said that he couldn’t take the stress and pressure and paranoid feelings. He told me that I didnt understand because I had nothing to lose, while he could have faced jail time. But he didnt understand that I had made some major sacrifices too. Before being with him I had been battling major depression and other mental illnesses. When I went into my new school and met him, everything changed for me. I was happy for the first time in so long. We clicked instantly. After only a few weeks of talking, we started dating and it was the best relationship I’ve ever had. After 6 months of being together we decided to have sex (it was my first time). Soon after, my mom found out and she was devastated. She threatened to arrest him if he made any contact with me. I attempted suicide that day and was put in a mental institution. Since then my family no longer trusts me or accepts me. Our relationship was a very good one, but maybe a little bit unhealthy. We were obsessed with each other. He was very possessive of me and I was the same about him. He would also have mental breakdowns sometimes where he would be really bad to me and make me feel like I didnt deserve him. But I had lied to him many times which is part of the reason why he would get so angry at me. I learned from it though and stopped lying. He said that I was lucky because he would always be soft for me and that he could never stop loving me. But now that we were forced apart, it seems that he has moved on and has new friends (many of which are girls) and it makes me really upset and jealous. His best friend is currently the one helping me get through all of this which is also rough on me because they are so much alike. He talks to me about it and tells me not to beat myself up over it. I began self harming and not eating or taking care of myself after the break up. I cry a lot when I think about him and I wish that we didnt have to break up. I still contact him once in a while but it only makes me hurt even more. I hate not being able to move on. His best friend tells me that time will make things better, and I want to believe that’s true but I don’t know anymore. There are many guys that like me but none of them are like my ex. I want to be able to be happy again but I don’t know if that will happen.

  41. Amber December 1, 2014 at 3:03 am #

    I feel like this article can really help me through. My boyfriend dumped me a little over a month ago. We were getting ready to move away together and then he just said he couldn’t do it because he wasn’t as committed as I was and that he didn’t love me anymore. I have felt broken ever since he said that. I was so happy with him and never suspected anything was wrong. And the worst part is I am still living with him because my work cut me off the roster the day after he dumped me. I have nowhere to go and I know I just need to get out of here in order to move on. He slept with his ex the same day he dumped me and a few times after that and I can’t get the thought of that out of my head. I’m really struggling to get over him because I love him still. Yet, he says he doesn’t love me and we will never be together again. Part of me wants to hurt him. To make him suffer the pain I’m suffering. But I don’t want anyone to feel the way I feel. Besides, he said he doesn’t care what I do anyway. It’s hard because I didn’t do anything. And I feel like there must be something wrong with me for him to do this to me. I’ve had some very rough days lately. I have thought of suicide and hurting myself. I would never do it but I just have an unhealthy state of mind right now because I feel stuck living with the man who broke my heart. I have been talking with other men just to feel wanted by someone and I don’t know if
    I feel better or worse. And I feel like I’m being unfaithful? I don’t know. I’m just lost and alone. I think what makes it the hardest to let go is the fact that before I met him all I ever wanted in life was to be happy. And when I met him I finally felt this happiness I never knew before and I feel like this made me very emotionally dependant on him. And now that I’ve lost him it feel as though I have lost my happiness which makes me want to beg for him to take me back. Even if he did take me back though I don’t think I’d ever truly be happy anyway. It’s just really hard :(

  42. Chris Minor December 18, 2014 at 9:17 pm #

    Just a few days ago my girlfriend broke up with me. When she said the words “im leaving you” my heart broke. The past nights since then I have had no sleep cuz I was crying all night. To tell you the truth I dont have a heart anymore. We told eachother everything. I even showed her the ring i was gonna get for our marrage (probably a mistake i did that). Well now she is tellimg me that she likes my friend (wgat sucks is i introduced them to eachother). I am having a emotional break down while im tellin you this. I just have one question: How do I make things better?

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