Time heals all wounds.
At least, that's what they tell you when you mention that you've been dumped recently (along with giving you that look).
But, does time really heal the wound brought to you by a breakup or divorce?
I think that this is a common misunderstanding.
Time would not heal anything if it didn't force you to go through a certain process.
Time is the medium; you do the healing.
Time does heal to a certain degree, but the wounds are not healed adequately, let alone completely if you don't contribute anything to the healing process yourself.
Time makes you forget, but your problems are still there. Hidden, but present.
Is a break up painful? I know it is.
Are you amplifying your pain by improper behavior? Well, let's see.
For efficient and in-depth healing you have to take a “conscious healing” approach.
That's what I am teaching in my coaching.
Someone said to me lately that she is doing nothing special to overcome her divorce. Just waiting for time to heal it.
What could she do about it anyway?
There are a lot of things you could do to start the “conscious healing.”
A conscious healing approach means that you have to make efforts, like do exercises and shift your state of mind, as opposed to doing nothing, letting the time to work for you.
Before you start with exercises because you don't feel like you need to at the beginning, why not change the few things that directly influence your wellbeing in a negative way?
Why is your Break-Up or Divorce killing you?
There is a typical behavior pattern that you see over and over again. People are so overwhelmed by their pain (particularly in the beginning of the break up), that they willingly or unwillingly, drift into certain manners.
What are these manners and how are they contributing to your pain?
Please read on.
7 Ways you are Amplifying your Pain
Listed below are the main reasons why people are suffering from a relationship break up more than they should in the first months.
This, of course, also implies that when you stop doing these certain things, you will feel much better.
You could call this “indirect healing,” because it doesn't take a direct initiative, just a change in thinking.
This is much easier, as the first phases of a breakup are characterized by a paralyzing lethargy.
(MORE: The 7 New Stages of Grief After a Breakup)
So, let's start:
1. Neglecting the Body's Needs
I know you don't feel like eating (or some of you eat way too much).
I know you don't want to go jogging. But believe me, you make it worse if you neglect the simple needs of your body.
If you are not a friend of healthy cuisine, try at the least to maintain your eating habits that you've had before your break up or divorce.
Never stop working out, jogging or taking part in the sports you used to do.
If you suffer from mental pain, there is no reason to carry it over to your body.
2. Continual Mental Reasoning
I know that you rethink the past events over and over again.
It's almost like a compulsion. You think that maybe you were missing something and if you relive the breakup, then it would make sense eventually.
You have to realize one thing: It is not your obligation to suffer!
This vicious cycle of thought is one of the main reasons for your suffering. You must break out of it.
Distraction and mental-control through meditation are the keys to getting over this blocker.
Never isolate yourself for better suffering.
Call all your friends, make appointments, so that you don't have to spend a minute alone. Go sporting, go on vacation, meet people.
Action is the key.
Isolation gives you time to think. Thinking is bad for you now.
4. Trying to Get Your Ex Back
Hope is a very dangerous thing. At least in a breakup.
There are no rules whether it is possible to get your Ex back or not.
But I strongly advise you to accept the fact that the relationship is over, rather than to try to get back your Ex despairingly.
If you really want to get your Ex back (chances are that you will not with time), then your odds will be much higher when you become a stable personality again.
5. High Ex-Attachment
It is very important that you clean up your place from all the things which remind you of your Ex.
Put all the photos, CDs, letters, gifts in a big box and hide it in the cellar. Don't throw it away; you might regret this one day.
I cannot emphasize the importance of this enough.
Another very vital factor to your healing is the no-contact rule.
Once you know that it's over and there is no more business you have to do regarding the divorce or break up, you should cut off the contact to your Ex completely.
No phone calls, no e-mails, no text messages. Don't go to the places you could meet accidentally.
Believe me, it's for your own good, and this is the only way.
6. Taking No Charge
You have to realize, especially at the beginning, that it's yourself who is responsible for your healing and happiness.
Your Ex does not cause your pain, you do it to yourself with the mindset that you need your Ex to be happy.
Your Ex is not responsible for your happiness!
If you consciously take charge and realize that it's only you who can make a change, then you've made the first step towards a happier life.
There is something I regularly observe when working with clients:
Most break-up victims have an affinity for suffering, a self-induced compulsion to feel the pain.
It is almost like “Oh, this is a breakup, so I have an obligation to suffer!”.
Trying to break out of this mindset is not easy and causes feelings of guilt. This is the vicious cycle mentioned in no. 2.
Simply resist the compulsion to listen to “your song,” to look at mutual photos, to watch those heart-killing movies, to talk to or stalk your Ex.
Do not torture yourself. Resist!
I know that you may think that these things are your last connection to your Ex, but believe me when I say: all they cause is pain.
You have a right to be free and feel good. It's your choice.
The first months of a breakup or divorce are tough. There is no motivation for doing anything, not to mention working on self-improvement.
The knowledge of certain behavior patterns which cause pain comes in handy.
Avoiding these mistakes cuts off a good part of your arduous journey which lies ahead.
Then you will gain the power to take the “conscious healing” approach and not only survive your break up but gain so much more.
That is the prize which makes all the suffering worthwhile.
Im 27 years old guy and I fell in love with a 20 year old colleague it was all good we just started it just 2 months only. I loved her more than crazy doing all the things to make her happy she too shown some interest in this but after a party I was riding on the wrong lane Because of my fault we had an accident with a car from the front I got hairline ankle fracture but she got severely injured her shin bone got fractured and surgery was done to get it fixed with the help of rods I was totally devastated because of her condition I was feeling guilty I tried to help her in every way possible her family was blaming me and her though we had just shared a bottle of mild beer in the party night she was saying something while I was riding I wasn’t able to hear her so I looked back but a car came suddenly and we dashed it though I was riding on the wrong lane but I was at the corner of the road I perfectly knew the speed of my bike was 50kmph but her family didn’t want to listen she said it’s better that I don’t visit her it will create problem’s I took her advice but I was in her contact through text messages after 8 days was feeling too uneasy I wanted to see her badly though I wasn’t able to walk I visited to her in hospital a day before she being discharged I was not able to see her in pain though gave her some of her things and asked her was it our fault I asked she said yes it was your fault I was totally shook off controlled my tears and smiling I left with a pain other day she was discharge outpatient she went home and i used to give emotional support and kept her motivated but after 10 days of regular conversation she also started blaming me though I took the the blame from everyone I didn’t mind but when she said the same thing I was taken aback I tried to help somewhat financially she refused any help from me on Valentine’s day she told I cannot forget all this and don’t feel the same for you . Me and my family is suffering of you so she didn’t talk to me after a few questions I asked her what can be done she says let’s see it’s been over 2 and half months her broken bone and wound is not yet healed she is in anxiety or depression I don’t know cause her family and relatives also blamed her so she was sad and all the time crying I asked her not to give up but she doesn’t respond properly I send her goodnight morning wishes since 2 months but doesn’t get proper response and when ever she talks she is just cursing about the accident .
Many friends and colleagues told me that you been pampering her too much cared about her more than anything so you will have to suffer she was saying love you too till the time you were useful to her in enjoyment and favours now she is suffering so she forgot everything or might she was just pretending to you that she loved you that’s why it is so easy for her to give up said my colleagues but I didn’t believed any and followed my heart though my mind knew she is not that much crazy in love like me but still I love her my mind and heart is totally messed up since the valentine day she asked me not to talk or send any love messages I m not in love anymore I m suffering from pain but I understand she is worried about herself but she doesn’t want me to tell anything if I ask she changed suddenly might be manipulation of family or anything else but I want to take care of her I apologised 100times for the incident but she says apologies doesn’t help I tried to help but she doesn’t want me to do this I am cornered alone and in pain I am unable to sleep properly since 2 months I kept thinking about her well being I m not going to force her for anything but I can’t let go even she doesn’t like me anymore and she was relating the accident to the rash riding of the afternoon to the accident of night I already said sorry for the afternoon and told her I will never make her cry again before we left for the party I was enjoying her dancing and having fun through out the party I was just adored her only then she was getting late so I took the wrong side in hurry and the incident happened I don’t know when she will join back office how she will behave I know it won’t be the same but I hope she will understand if she knew I love her to pieces but what I should do to make her understand I don’t know please help I am not feeling good since but I want her to be Okay though relationship just started 3 months ago I am head over heels on her I think because I m not able to get angry on her cause I loved her so much .
What can I do please suggest I need her or as my friends say move on I am not sure she is saying all the things because of anxiety or she’s been manipulated by someone till the time she comes back to office it won’t be clear iam waiting for her please help