i think your information was just what i was looking for and i thank you very much,as i am traped in a bad relationship and have a child with her and a child with another person from the past,she has two of her own,i'v been with her for 7 years and its been a nightmare since we had a baby together.she give up entirly and i just feel so alone.she sleeps on the couch an i sleep in bed,she dose no house work and degrades the children.i have studied everthing and it makes it worse cos i can see it more,but whatever i say just makes maters worse.she has no love and very thik skin.

i was with a girl for 1 year and 5 months and was long distance relationship and we didnt see much but we was soo much in love, even tho was hard, we did alot and we was so close we talked bout future together and stuff. but now she broke up with me cause she said was too far and she got a new bf but said if i cud see her we be together, like she needs to be held and cuddled and i couldnt do that for her. but as months went on since break up she wishes was with me still cause he isnt as great and sweet like me but last week she feels his the one not me nomore and sayin she fell out of love for me.. i really dont understand how all this happened, i wish she was honest when she left and didnt give me false hope after break up, im not mad at her im just so hurt cause i thought she was the one for me and i love her sooo much and i wish i was with her now but i feel she does have feeling for me cause how we was and things said when with him but my love is ruining our friendship and she says she cares bout me alot and wants me happy, as been times where we get closer and she hides her feelings for me cause of him (well what i feel), but shes hates how i am or act, and if she mad at me or bit annoyed she say sorry everytime and i seen how people break up we wasnt mean or argued, i just dont know what to do, many of my friends dont understand or my family.... i still feel we have a future or am i just scared to let go? i could use some help please.

Hi! I think ur scared to let go. This post is old so i'm not sure where ur at with ur feelings etc now but it seems to me with all that distance you both should be with people u can see and hug. U deserve that too.

ok, it's been over 72 hours of no contact from me to him...except he sent me a bunch of pics from our past to my email today...gggrrrrrr.....i only opened it to see what it was and then i sent it all to delete. i have spent all day agonizing over why and what it meant etc. driving myself crazy.i then did some facebook stalking and that didnt help a thing. he just looks so happy and together and i cant stand it. but then i read eddie's words on how his lack of love or interest cant control my own happiness. so now i am going to work on that . this is so hard. peace to all ya'll on this site....i know i am not the only one hurting.

Texasgirl, I am right there with you...trust me but my situation is beyond anyone;s comprehension and unconventional to say the least. Its very hard because these ppl were our rocks, they were what we relied on for things, even the smallest of things and now we are left to pick it up ourselves and even though this will make us a bigger and better person it just still hurts... ive had my share of burdens and this is the last thing i needed... you are not alone in this trust me. ,I have already spoken to him about how i feel and he is very receptive, he is not telling me he is not wanting to be with me but other factors are leading to it. I hate it... i want control over my emotions but i think it really does take its time but its the in between that hurts us... i know. Im starting to feel if i am ever going to find someone that can love me the way i can love them u know... i am already seeing a psychiatrist because it was too much for me to handle at one time (i had personal, health problems) so its scary and lonely... hang in there and we can relate to each other... be strong.

Okay guys I need ur help! I will try to keep this as short as possible. I dated my ex for 9 years (engaged for 2 and at that time owned a home together) Im 25 now, yes we starting dating at 15! We split a year ago, but still have a lot mutual friends ( we all grew up together). He satrted dating our next door neighbour right after we moved out of our home in May of 2009 and continued to lead me on and sleep with me off and on until the end of July! I started dating someone else in September after I found out about him and the nieghbour at the end of July...way too early I know...and that relationship ended a couple of days ago (by my choice knowing that I have not let go of my ex-fiance and can't give him what he needs from me, as much as he is a great man...I don't want to hurt him any longer). He was a mutal friend of my ex-fiance and myself..even worse I know. So this complicate things even further. My ex was calling me around Christmas time telling me that he wanted to get back together and that he would spend his life proving to me that I could trust him, that he loved me and I completed him, etc...I said no becasue at the time I was in a relationship (keeping in mind he is still with the other women). Now I face a problem...he just bought a new house very close to my best friend (who is also engaged to his best friend)...and his gf is "living" with him. So I know that eventually she and my best friend will probably spend some time together and become friends because of how close the boys are. This kills me!!! She is replacing me and I hate it!!! She colored her hair the same as mine, bought the motorcycle that I was going to buy, and it sucks!!! He tells my best friend that he doesn't see his relationship lasting with this women, but his actions show otherwise. they do everything together and are always together. I can get over the fact that she will eventually be doing all of the things that I used to do with the people I have loved and known all my life. She has already replaced me with his family and now is moving in on my friends!!! How do I accept it and comes to terms with it? I feel like I have lost him, and his family already...and soon I will have to face that my best friend and his new gf will be friends? It makes me want to puke. i think about it and get sick to my stomach. I cry about it at night and hope that it will never happen (knowing that she is already starting to come around and visit and hang out with the friends that aren't as close to me anymore. How in Gods name am I supposed to do that??? Oh and the worst part is he "says" he is still in love with me! Also, we see eachother at events probably like once every few months. So far neither of us have taken our "partners" with us, so we haven't had to deal with that yet. Thank God! What do I do? Let go of all of my friends that I have grown up with so I don't have to be remined of the pain and hurt? Or do I try and deal with the fact that she is replacing me and that things are going to keep changing. It's like one by one she is taking everything that I love away from me and loving every minute of it. Eventually I will be left with nothing and the people who are in the wrong will be able to contiue on with life as if nothing has happened. keeping the same friends and sharing the same great times together. I lose again :( Please anyone who can help me I could use some advise.

Thank you so much Eddie, your points really helped. Even though I knew most of this, it helped me tremendously to read it. Thank you.

I am thankful to have found this website.

Has been 10 days not since I was broken up with and I am dying inside. His reasons, that he told me, are that he wants to die alone.

He has stage 3-4 heart failure, pacemaker dependent, on disability and his health has been declining for months now.

He told me he can not be in a relationship due to his declining health and when he broke up with me he told me all sorts of hurtful things, so I really do not know what to believe.

What happed to our love? We were so in love!

Sure I saw things over the almost 2 years we were together change, going from madly inl;ove to a more "setteled" relationship, did not think too much about it.

In retrospect, I see differently now.

I have to let him be, he told me he loves me, but is not inlove with me.

I think we are better together than apart, but I must respect his decision.

This is so painful, again I am dying inside, need to find out how to live again.

@hk - Dear Nate; I myself I am trying to look for some kind of closure.. Even if the outcome is one I do not want to hear.. But at least Something.. I do cry mysef cry myself to sleep wondering WHY??? I know there is no magic solution nor a magic potion one can take to make these feelings go away.. I wish youi the best sometimes closure comes from within.. one day it will be different..Kathleen

@Nate - Your situation sounds so much like mine...it acaully made me ask myself if i had already posted on this site. My relationship was only 3 years, but like yourself, we had many tribulations in our time together. Trust was our biggest hurdle and what evenually ended the relationship. We had both lied, cheated, and forgave so many times that it acaully seems like it happened every three months, but nevertheless i loved her with every ounce of my heart and i was willing to change anything and everything to make her happy with me. The problem was, she didnt want to change with me, she wouldnt meet me half way. I felt like the success or the failure of the relationship all rested upon my shoulders. We lived together for about a year and i truley beleive that to be our worst mistake of the entire relationship. Living together caused more problems than anything else...(or at least it ran a very close race with her parents) but we worke through it together and made it through it, She got her own place and our relstionship returned to normal (whatever that may be). To make a long story short, i thought our relationship was about to turn a new corner and improve. After a great weekend alone, just me and her, i thought everything was going to be fantastic, but Monday came around and after she got off from work, she went to a freinds house and everything fell completely apart. Shw wouldnt talk to me, she wouldnt answer my calls or texts or e-mails. I was totally confused, and growing more and more angry with every passing day. All i wanted was to talk, and try to understand what the problem was and when it occured, but she wouldnt let that happen. Shortly after, she blocked my number from her phone and blocked all other forms of communication with me. I still love her and care about her just as i did at the peak of our relationship, and i am still greatly confused and hurt. I feel like i at least deserve some sort of closure to all my efforts and time i gave to the relationship. I feel as if the last three years of my life were nothing but a waste. Its been about a month and a half since i last spoke to her (since the breakup occured). Its good to knowe im not alone, or that im not craqzy for still loving her and wanting to do all i can to be with her. It feels as if the entire world is out to keep us apart and maybe its for a good reason.

@Mariposa I agree with you in principle. There is a hard balance between telling all and using discretion. I like to think of a relationship as a marathon rather than a sprint. If we sprint it we spend every waking moment together, tell all our secrets to the neglect of others or our own interests. This is often the way it is in the honeymoon stage of a relationship. You know you are in this if you are skipping sleep, taking on the cell untl 3:am and walking around like a zombie at work the next day (floating yes, but tired too). If you think and get quickly to seeing a healthy relationship as a marathon instead I think it will help immensely.

In a marathon you take your time. You each have your own separate interests, friends, etc. Oh yes, you share many as well - but not all. That way.. when you come back together your relationship will be more hot and firey! You will have things to talk about and share! To me this is balance and helps with the TELL TOO MUCH TOO SOON problem. And honestly, something may not be wise to share, too quickly or ever! No one person care bear the burdens of another so also consider spreading that around a bit so you don't wear your love interest or your friends out! Again.. balance is key and that is easy not to have when you are stressing about something major, or as you were, going through some tough stuff that would not last forever.

Lastly, guys especially too often are looking for Miss Perfect. Not always of course, but it seems more women than men tend to understand people better. I think that is true of you here Mariposa. Often women better seem to understand their men are not perfect nor will ever be. Men can't seem to understand that about their women! If you read any of those Yahoo relationship articles they post from time to time you will read that a man would rather dump a woman (and fast!) then to be with 'the wrong woman'! And in this day and age of hyperscared men and sometimes over sharing and overbearing women, men freak. Really they do. They WANT a nice girl that won't give them grief and they, as you say, are overlooking reality that problems (for women) will pass. I could go on but will stop there.

And to go along with this modern men don't deal with stuff. Or at least many (most?) do not. We tend to try to gloss over or avoid problems but that never really works so we do the freak out again a few weeks or months down the road in our relationships. If we had a past bad breakup (such as you read about here on Eddie's pages) we bury that in our heads. Then, since we did not deal with it, when you act even a little like our 'psycho-ex' we want to bug out on you and run away! It is not right at all. Woment can have bad breaks up and things in their pasts too; but they deal with them - talk to friends or family, admit faults, seek counseling, etc. and usually take their time (vs. rebounding) so they are fairly healthy and healed and ready for the next guy.

Mariposa is right; being fearful in love is not good. But unless both parties are dealing properly with life, past and present - this will continue and cause more heartache. We all want a trusted, loving relationship; a safe place to land at the end of a hard week. But this is more intentional than we want to admit. Sure.. I want innocence and naivetity as well; but I think that only comes when I can look you in the eye and say: Hey, I am only human and I have my hurts too, let's talk about them when the time is right for you and let's also not talk about them all the time. I love you and want to know you and you me. And I want to share the fun and silly stuff and the magic as well. I want the whole package my dear and am not in a rush to demand it all today.

Life is about living and loving and hurting and healing together. I have an ex too and I am a man who is currently alone partly b/c of the fears addressed here today. But I am reading and dealing and talking to others so that maybe one day; I will be ready to have someone special again.

@Werewolf...It really saddens me to see people make statements like your "but the minute i spot that behavior in any prospective woman ive met i steer the hell clear of it!." Some people really are sincere but things happen. My ex-fiance and I were an instant match but he was so quick to think ill of me and my intentions that there was absolutely nothing I could do to change his mind. He was unable to consider all of the other factors and things I was going thru, the fact that I was 100% honest and genuine with him at all times, or the fact that he was my first real love. Instead, he allowed that thinking to breed so much fear in him that there was no bringing him back to the reality of the situation. And it never had to be that way. Sometimes people do deserve the benefit of the doubt, sometimes women need to know that our men will fight to work things out with us, sometimes we just need patience to allow us to get thru a hard time. Whatever happened to really loving someone? What ever happened to being sincere and genuine? When it comes to matters of the heart, sometimes a bit of naivete may be helpful. I'm 28 y/o and although he was far from my first relationship, he was my first love.I would much rather go on with my innocence in tact than to allow myself to become jaded and fearful in love.

@lee -

I hope you are doing better. I just discovered this site. I, myself, have just started started phase one of the healing process. It has helped me immensely so far just by reading all the articles and experiences shared by other members. Thank you.

I know better days will lay ahead, but break ups never seem to get any easier, do they? For some reason, I get the sense that many of us here are male. Heart break is heart break, regardless of gender, however, I find that the longer the relationship lasted, the more difficult it is for the men when it finally comes to an abrupt end. For me, like trading stocks, or any investment, it takes a while to build confidence in the risk, but after a time, I inevitably become blind to the risks because of the emotional investments tied to it. My two cents.

@werewolf - your note couldn't come at a better time. last night on a whim i called her. actually, to be honest, it was the first time i felt strong enough to do so. i'd been looking at her facebook page every day, but too stubborn to engage and delete it, i was torturing myself! still i could not resist looking. last night i saw something flirtatious from a mutual friend on her wall and that was it. none the less, i haven't felt 100% healed, but definitely more in shape to deal with it than i have in the two months since the break up.

i called her... just to talk at first, but i started crying right off the bat. i said i thought i was ready to talk and didn't expect to cry, but obviously was still upset. she said she could let me go. obviously still didn't want to hear it a month later. after a bit of a struggle and insisting she give me space to speak and she hear me out, i basically just let out all of the hurt i was feeling about the break up. she had never given me the opportunity to talk about my feelings, and our other two conversations i acted falsely calm and surprised when she shut down my response.

well, this time i didn't. she said some things such as "well i'm over the break up, sometimes it takes some people longer. i know it hurts. ive been there". oh well, not like i needed to hear that from her!. she said she'd like to stay friends and catch up, but not if we had to talk about the break up. i said that i don't feel closure and don't feel ready for that.

i was crying the WHOLE time. she said she'd call me after some time/space and i told her that i was tired of her making all of the decisions. please don't call me, ill call you in a few months when i am ready, i said. then i told her i would be deleting her on facebook for now. she said, okay, if that's what i want. so i did it. pure panic took me over because it's the ONLY way i have to see if she'd okay, but i think this one thing is keeping me holding on more than i should. and i don't need to see her flirtation.

anyhow, i am in the pits today. haven't gotten out of bed. i wonder if i did the right thing. i know everything on this site says not to say how you feel about your ex TO your ex, but without an in person break up, and two months passing, i was having trouble still. it definitely slowed down my healing process for now, but i'm wondering if it was the final move i needed to make to get her out of my life and move on.

@lee - hey, be easy on yourself. There is something about those individuals with bi-polar that make it so hard to manage your feelings with. Its the behavior of high-highs and low-lows, ya know. Barely any middle ground and often very cold behaviors. My experience with this was a woman who one day was just in LOVE with me, and made me fell so important and needed. A week later she would be depressed and cold, untouchable. She used me effectively for her highs and abused me with her lows. She really sucked the goodness out of me as i was totally controlled by her behavior. Years later looking back, i feel bad for that person i was-because it was such a dark and hurtful time. I left thinking i failed her and that i could never love so intensely like that again. Hardest time of my life, period. Took me year to get on my feet,but i did. Looking back that heartbreak made me a much more solid stronger person. She had somebody the first week we broke up! i had to climb a mountain to get back on my feet.
But she didnt learn, i did. my next realtionship was completely different, much deeper and more meaning. it did not work out but it was by far more fulfilling then that terrible relationship i had with someones emotions that were far to controlling and manipulative. I fell bad for her and wish her well, but the minute i spot that behavior in any prospective woman ive met i steer the hell clear of it! You will to.
Those types are very self serving and hurtful, once they've used you up for whatever there current reassuring need is, they move on and find another to do the same. meanwhile your left with the pieces of abroken heart and the terrible low self esteem basket they left on your front door.
In short, your beginning to see, you will see, and you will find a better love. Im sure of it. Your a good man for giving yourself unselfishly, you'll temper that even better in the future and you will be rewarded. my best to you
take care
werewolf

@Werewolf - thank you so much for your kind advice. i seriously read it over a few days later because it's hard for me to train my mind, you know? i woke up today missing her a lot. i was agonizing over why she doesn't call me (even though she promised to keep in touch-- last time i chatted with her on IM's i asked why she hasn't called and she made some shallow excuse "oh i was sick and then i was busy, sure ill call").

it's reassuring to hear that others have been through this and that it took you a long time to get over yours. i often feel like a fool because i know she's over it and perhaps dating (?), and i've gotten over other relationships so much quicker (i got out of an 8 year relationship 2 years ago and was over that in a jiffy!), but something about the manipulation and lack of fair closure in this one keeps me ruminating and feeling like it's my fault. i know, when it comes down to it, i need to heal on my own terms because it's all about me now... but that's hard to take and not be hard on myself. i've even started anti-depressants, which i know isn't always recommended... but i can't go on like this!

anyways, yes you are right, she was diagnosed as bi polar, but this happened when she was in drug rehab. still, she wasn't seeking counseling when we were dating and had weened herself off of her medication a year before we met, without the help of a doctor. funny, another person i dated was bipolar (my 8 year relationship), so i am beginning to think that my filters for irregular behavior really aren't as sharp as they should be. it's really hard to re-train you mind, though. i wonder if this hot/cold behavior is part of being bipolar?

again, thanks for taking the time to read and write... still healing, but it's definitely helpful.

@lee - Lee, listen man, i am sorry. i have been in a very similar situation with a woman i loved more than anyone i ever met. In short, she was pushing me pulling me, wanting me, yelling at me, needing me, hurting me. Oh lord honestly i didnt see the true woman i had dated for so long until a full year had passed and the veil of fog slowly lifted from my eyes. clarity truly takes its time to set in. Lee, its as if she is the sun and your one of her planets revolving orbiting her. At times she pulls you into mercury's close, proximate orbit, at others she shoves you into the cold far reaches of neptunes lonely oceans of ice, the sun a distant light on your horizon.
Lee she is very controlling and manipulative and your reassurance of her perpetuates the malady. I was so weak and wimpy to my ex' she had complete dominion over my thought process and problem solving. I basically always compromised and made in roads so as to keep the peace and remain in her sunshine. I really dont like saying this but you have to let her go. She will be on your heart and mind to much, heartbreak is literally a form of madness; your suffereing already is testament to such. There is no other choice, you suffering on your cross means nothing to her until she needs your reassurance in something in her life. the problem is there is no reciprocity from your ex. and she is narcissistic and possibly a little bi-polar. it seems challenges run in her family and the apple may not be far from the family tree. I wouldnt doubt if her mother has been battling manic depression either.
The best you can do is realize this an inadvertent blessing. Imagine marrying that?!!? imagine the misery that you would have to manage in the name of "love"! Its not love, its a hard life lesson. A farmer NEVER sows seeds on barren soil. You must realize this. as far as support i buy self help books from amazon and talk to my mother constantly. My friends are well intentioned but not cutting it. they mean well but cut them slack cus they simply do not understand. Your a young man with a brilliant education, you have no idea how desired that is amongst those that are looking for that. It will be very hard, but you have to pick up, create a strong friend in your head that will literally pick you up through the hard times and comfort you. Id also pray. it is very beneficial. The doom and haze will eventually yield though slowly. You will be happy and you will find a great love, and when you look back you';ll be proud of the strength you had to create in the hardest times of your life. That is a strength that will always be with and a gift for others you'll see someday go through similar situations.
Lee- i wish you peace of mind, strength in heart and mind and humor to get you through your hurt. You will make it. Someone needs your love desperately out there, and will return the favor.
-werewolf

Me and my boyfriend of over a year and a half broke up about a month and a half ago. I dumped him. I dumped him at the time because of my friends and families comments on how he didnt treat me right but also because i was insecure ofwhether or not he really cared about me. I thought that if he really cared he would protest the break up and tell me how much i meant to him. But i was wrong. All he said to me was k and i didnot hear from him for a week or so later on i recieved a text from him that said fuck you bitch i hope you hve a nice life slut an he left a box that i made him full of everything from our relationship. It broke my heart. The reasn why he did this was because he found out me and one of y past exes had been talking again.
I know that is probably wrong on my part but i was hurt by this ending just like he was and my ex was their for me.
My boyfriend(ex) has hooked up with other people to so i didnt ee this as being tat bad. i continued to try to talk to him about us and he ignored me part of the time or mocked me.
These actions he has done after our breakup have hurt me to the point where i dont want to fix things like i did before.
My ex from the past wants to begin a relationship with me and this is way too fast for me but i do truly have feelings for him so i could use some advice on that.
but alsomy ex recently started talking to me again apoligsing for the rude things he has done to me and that he wants to be friends but i dont see how that ispossible after all he has done to hurt me, it would be nice to have some advice on this if anyone has any.

Your website is great. I am appreciating all of the advice. I am trying to follow it but still having trouble.

I've been going through a rough time and can't seem to get back on track. My girlfriend and i were together for a little over 6 months, starting last February. in the beginning of the relationship, she was super intense. she told me she loved me a month after dating and said she wanted to move in together, to wake up together every day. we had similar goals, which was a first for me. we both want to settle and want kids. i'm normally very cautious in relationships though. she pressured me to move away with her in august when her lease was going to be up. we were in love, but this all seemed to come fast. i told her let's see how things go. i was graduating from grad school in may and ready to relocate, myself.

the summer went by and our relationship was loving as ever. but in june, she started feeling guilty because her mom was drinking a lot and depressed back home, 2000 miles away. she became depressed and worried, feeling like she should go live at home and help her mom. she's 31, by the way... i never took this too seriously-- it seemed like an extreme measure. a little background on my girlfiend--she is three years sober after a 14 year problem with drinking and cocaine. i was worried about her putting herself in this situation with her mom!

in july we drove out in my car to visit her family and go to her friends wedding. her family situation was indeed disfunctional. it didn't seem like she could help. but, two days after we got back home from our long trip, she announced to me that she'd put in for a transfer with her job and would be moving home to take care of her mother. she would not say what she wanted with the relationship. she didn't want to break up and would "always love me" but basically would not have the conversation about our next steps.

my lease ran out and i had to stay with family. my girlfriend invited me to live with her for her last month in town, but i was hesitant. what would that be like, living with her and then having her leave? it didn't seem to phase her at all! instead of fully moving in, i ended up crashing with her 4 days a week, then with my mother the other three.

all month i struggled to have a conversation with her about our future. when things were fine, they were great, but when i brought up talking about our relationship, she would get volatile. she'd raise her voice, grow angry, shut down. it was a side of her i'd never seen. she called me on one of our off days and threatened to not see me anymore if i brought up the relationship the following weekend, but we still had not reached any sort of decision. two weeks later, i was house sitting for a friend, tried to have a talk with her, and she walked out on me and i didn't hear from her for two days! she said she couldn't handle the stress of talking about our relationship.

we explored ideas of breaking up, me moving with her (she said she didn't want me to because she wanted time to focus on her mother and didn't want to take out the stress on me). i finally decided to move cross country to california because i wasn't getting anywhere with her. she wanted to move there too and said she might after a few months. we decided to keep in touch and see each other in october, when hopefully she'd know better what her plan was. but, she never got the time off from work or got her plane ticket. she made excuses because it was a new office and she didn't want to step on toes...

i helped her move and saw her off on her last day. i took a plane to CA a few days later, to try to find work and a home. i got a few calls from my girlfriend in the first few days saying that she loved me and missed me. we planned to talk on web cam once she was set up at her mom's and she was still planning to get her plane ticket.

unfortunately, i totally broke down after my third day in CA. i was in a new place, hardly knew anyone, and the economy was bad. i felt like i'd made the wrong decision. i felt more depressed and panicked than i had in ages. i called friends for support, and called my girlfriend. she was rude with me. she told me she'd bought a $500 mattress for her room at her mom's and i asked her if the investment meant she'd decided to stay long term. she blew up at me, saying it was none of my business and said she'd call later. i didn't hear from her for two days, until she called one night to "see how i was". she was condescending about my sadness and said she needed space. don't call her, it's nothing personal, etc. the next day she deleted our relationship on the social networking site. i called her even though i wasnt "supposed to" to ask her about it and she blew up at me. she put all the blame on me, saying she thought she could keep in touch, but it was my fault that she couldn't and that she'd said all along that she couldn't do long distance.

she hung up on me. i didnt hear from her for a week and didn't call after the volatile conversation, at which time i got an email in response to a postcard i'd sent before our last conversation. she said the postcard was "sweet" and that she missed me and hoped i was finding everything i wanted. she said she'd love me always and hoped we could be friends and forgive each other someday. so that was it--as if it was final and she was taking no responsibility.

i called her twice in the next month and didn't leave a message. i figured if i got her on the phone it was meant to be, if not then it wasn't. i was a little hesitant about calling her, honestly, but felt i needed to have some closure. noticing she missed a call from me, she called back. the first time we talked, she still raised her voice over mine and said that we "Werent blaming anyone" and that she'd take responsiblity for nothing but moving away. i told her that she was volatile and rageful with me and i didn't deserve to be treated that way, so i agreed we should break up. she wouldn't let me talk much more and put down most of my feedback, so i was forced to have a cordial conversation with her and go. she promised to keep in touch via email or phone.

it was still bothering me, so two weeks later i tried again. when she called back, i asked her why she broke up with me and she said "it's only the distance". i asked if it was because i was depressed and she said no. i said that i don't feel like she's giving me the real reason and she condescendingly said "that's bc you are depressed, things don't make sense when you are depressed". she quickly said she had to go and would not talk more.

it's been a month since we talked on the phone (not counting one im conversation). i feel like a fool because i'm not over it. here's someone who i felt i'd spend my life with but instead it was a quick whirlwind of distress and blame. i know i deserve better, but for some reason cannot let go. every morning i have troubled dreams about her while i'm half asleep and every day i work toward feeling better. my family and friends think i should be over it by now (it's been almost two months), but i'm not and i'm so hard on myself about that.

she im'd me last week and i was unhappy with the shallow conversation, so i've blocked her from all of my im programs. i received a text from her two weeks ago but didn't answer and deleted her from my phone so i wouldn't be tempted to call again. we are still "friends" on the social networking site. i'm reluctant to delete her from that. perhaps because it's our last connection and perhaps because we are both over 30 and that seems so teenaged.

i am back in our home city with my friends, but still without an apartment or job. i feel this is a lot of the reason i'm still holding on to the failed relationship.. i'm working on getting work and a home set up. my dreams to move to CA are put off for now, which i'm sad about, but i feel l can't handle being in a new place and feeling so depressed. at least where i am now i have friends and family for support.

My Girlfriend and I broke up less than a week ago - I am not taking this well ! She told me Im not the guy she wants to spend her rest of her life with ! ! But I know she is just saying that because it has happed 3 times in the last year and we get back together, as soon as we get back together she tells me she missed me and she was happy I was back in her arms. Unfortunally, everytime she shuts down and dont want to talk! I have been faithful 100%, cook her dinner, send her Gifts and Roses, she tells me even after each break up that I am way to nice We never had a fight in the 2.5 years we dated, we always spent times together. She just recently started a new career and she has been under alot of stress! I been there for her, just last week she told me she was thankful I was being there for her, she hugged me and told me she love me.
I guess, I am more confussed than hurt, dont understand why she shuts down....when I ask her she tells me thats what she does ! I dont believe thats healthy for her or me. I know I made I huge mistake today, while she was at work, I took a dozen Roses, A Card and had Dinner for her on her front step......She has not called me yet and I dont know if she will. By the way, the dinner was left on a ice chest with Ice (Sushi) we both hated Sushi until we once decided to try it !
Our sex life went down the hill, she even told me two weeks ago that she felt bad because she wasn't making love to me as much as I would want....I told her I wasn't in this relationship because of sex........I know Sex its important in a relationship, but I love her for what she is and not for what I can get from her.
I know she will miss all the things I did for her!
Im just confussed !

@Susan -

Susan - I'm really sorry to hear about all the stress and difficulties you've been having. It's important that you look after yourself though, even if that's without him. Ask yourself honesty if your life is more balanced without him. Also have a Google for codependency. Good luck, Peter.

@Nate - I see a lot of guilt and self-blame in your note, even a sense that you're now being justly punished and should hang in there out of a sense of duty, as much as love.

In a sense, what you did in the past doesn't matter. What's important is the here and now. You changed, you were ready to commit, and your girlfriend, for whatever reason, was still uncomfortable. You did all you could. She still chose otherwise.

I don't think you should fight for her. I do think you should make it plain to her that you care for her still, but that you respect her decision. I repeat: Let her know that you accept the breakup.

Do not call her or repeatedly contact her. Let her know that you accept the end of your relationship and wish her the best. Tell her that you're also looking forward to some wonderful changes in your life.

If she has any interest in your whatsoever, that statement alone will get her attention. If she's gaming you, then she'll realize that she really could lose you and come back. If she's sincere about wanting to be free, then she'll have to appreciate your respectful acceptance of her decision.

Either way you win.

@Alexandra - I feel for you, but I think you're fighting your own instincts and prolonging your own pain. Your instincts and common sense say that it isn't possible to love someone and put you through what he's putting you through. You're right. Your confusion is the result of your unwilliingness to believe your own common sense. Eddie has a wonderful entry here on the 10 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Your Ex. Check it out. "I love you" is high on the list. It's a cruel thing to say to someone you're leaving. And cowardly. Let him go, Alex. You can do better.

Hi,
I am going through this night mare of a break up for just a few weeks. And I am truelly exhausted! I go from accepting the break up to hoping it'd be ok soon.
Please help. He tells me he really loves me (it was pretty obvious too since we did not have issues and sex was fun and we both were enjoying it!) and it is because that is what he has to do. so he has to make his love for me die down or switch it off or whatever. I do not believe this is possible to love someone and go leave them to do the duty! That is what is giving me hope. He does not contact me though thank goodness. I am all confused really.
But the main thing is what you are completely right about is that I should finally make a decision to be responsible for my own happiness! Your website is a tremendous help!
Thanks

My Girlfriend of nine years broke up with me one month ago. I have been in so much pain on and off for the past month I just want to be able to tear these feelings for her from me. I cheated on her multiple times with multiple women over the course of two years. I betrayed trust to such a brazen degree that she should of broken up with me but she didnt. She stood by me in spite of all the emotional and psychological trauma that I put her through. I respected her strength and resolve and I loved who she was. To make a long story short I changed. Two years have passed and I reversed my entire outlook on things, did a total 180, she asked me to move in with her and I did. I was happy. Things seemed to be going well in spite of incessent trust issues. By my own volition she had access to all of my email accounts, phone records, and had my phone pass code. I made it so there was no doubt in her mind that I was being faithful to her. But apparently there was still a doubt.

On a Friday night I called her saying that I missed her (I work alot)and that I would like to go do something with her. Her response was something along the lines of I just want to hangout with my friends. I said that this was ok and that she should give me a call when she thought that she was going to be home. At about twelve I woke up and called her because I had yet to hear from her and she didnt pick up.

When I finally got in contact with her it was 5 in the morning. She informed me that she felt that she could not trust me and that because of this that she could no longer continue the relationship. The next night she didnt get home until 3 am. After much pestering she finally admited that she was at a new "friends" house and thats where she had been the night before as well.

A couple of nights ago we where having a phone conversation in which she informed me that she is in love with her new boyfriend.
I'm really strugling with this. There is a good part of me that wants to fight for her back as she did with me. That same part feels almost as if this a a small pennance for all the hurt that I caused her. I know intelectualy that I need to move on but it is so incredibly difficult.

I felt as if I needed to make a significant change. A week ago I quit my Job and ended a career path that has given me a great deal of success. I plan on moving away from the area to continue my education to finish my law degree. The only problem is I am having so much difficulty letting go. I just want that phone call to come syaing that shes sorry, she really forgives me, and that shes ready to move on with me. But I know that it will never come. I simply cannot bring myself to really feel that way.
I made some major mistakes that destroyed our relationship. I genuinely hoped that I could rebuild that which I cast aside so many times. Its not in my nature to give up at anything, yet I know that its time to walk away. So why cant I?

My husband and I just separated 2 weeks ago. There are so many issues that should make it obvious to me that this is the best thing that could have happened. It was a very volatile relationship. I earned most of the income that provided for our lifestyle and financial stability. After we met, his parents contacted me and told me he was a fugitive. I reported him to the local police department and he was extradited back to Nevada and put in jail during which time he wrote daily letters declaring his love for me. He said I changed his life; made him know the man he needs to be, etc. We decided to marry so he could come live with me as I own a house and have a stable income in PA. Well he tried I guess. In less that 2 years he went through 8 jobs... fired from at least 5. I asked him to contribute what he could to the household. He finally admitted that he hates living in PA and wanted to return to Las Vegas and be who he is. So he is doing just that. Playing poker every day. He has gotten 2 jobs in the 2 weeks he's been there. You don't have to guess that neither has worked out. In my insane addiction to him I have identified all I did wrong.... expected too much, was too controlling, etc. I have been considering moving to Las Vegas so we can be together. Remember the unstable economy and the current housing market, and one can see that I am truly nuts. So I'm looking for help whereever I can get it. I will be going back to work tomorrow and trying to regain some control over my life. I only need to cancel his phoneline to create a No Contact situation but I'm so fragile that I'm afraid. He senses my weakness and is being that much more cruel. He is the kind of person that should be easy to hate. His own parents said "we never knew what you saw in him". My family and friends think I'm crazy and I know I'm just rambling so I'll stop here. I just needed to vent I guess

@Jeff -

I just wanted to say... You're right about opening your eyes to who a person really is. In all truthfulness, I don't know that my ex changed all that much... Except to say that the more that I put up with in terms of his starting one thing and backing out or my paying for things or my not expecting him to always hold up on his end, etc, the more he backed out of! I think it took a long time for my personal limit to be reached--that's the only thing that has changed. He moved out and told me via text but I gave him the ultimatum to step up or get out... I only questioned him about his choice once.

And I'm absolutely sticking to the no contact! We haven't had any tearful phone calls or drawn out conversations. We made no plans to "keep in touch." I personally feel like keeping in touch only keeps you from shutting the door, as hard as shutting it is. Only communication between us was when and where he was the gather his things (that's unfortunately necessary when you live together)...

There are minutes or hours that NC is VERY hard--but I have lists up everywhere of the reasons that I am happier now, I text a friend about getting together for coffee or I type him an email THAT I DO NOT SEND. I immediately redirect my thouoghts to associate the break up with new happiness and I am finding that now I feel happy when I realize I am no longer with him. I also mentally went through the friends we shared and his family I was close to and sent them all "Thank you, I enjoyed what we shared but we cannot keep in touch" letters. This closure and space has allowed me to realize I gave him three great years and left it all out on the field, so to speak. It was a beautiful time in my life that allowed me to learn and grow quite a bit. It's one month this week and I honestly feel better than I have in YEARS (long before I met him). I don't know if any of these tips above will help anyone who has been reading, but it has all helped me alot!

Closure isn't something our exes give us. It is a gift we give ourselves because we deserve it!

I feel in love with an amazing guy in college, and our relationship lasted about 7 years (on and off). We had our issues - cultural differences, fights about things that were said or done, jealousy issues, etc. but we did both realize that we were really truly in love, and one way or the other, we made it work out. I may be biased in saying this, but I think I put in more of the effort than he did, but we still had an undeniable attraction in many ways.
There came a point when we realized we were up on different pages - I wanted to move forward, figure out if this was going to move to marriage, while he was still looking for what made him happy in life.. and he started straying.

long story short, i ended it for the final time about 6 months ago. and every day has been very hard... I would still talk to him and see him once a week or so - just to catch up - but it brought back too many feelings of attachment. I finally stopped seeing him for good, and talking to him on the phone. but we were still exchanging texts and emails every couple weeks or so...

its been tough to not respond, but i've come to the realization that the more i let him back into my life, the more he will be controlling my emotions. I am trying my hardest to keep myself busy at work, find new hobbies, make new friends.

I think what has helped me the most if to write out my thoughts in emails and texts, say everything ive wanted to say to him, about the things he did to mess up our relationship, about the anger and sadness i feel from losing him, and then i save the emails until i calm down from the emotional roller coaster and can go back and delete them. Its more the act of being able to write down everything that i'm thinking that has helped, because I know that if i sent the emails, it wont do anything to change the situation.

i've also tried to branch out of my usual set of friends (which we had in common) and hang out with more single friends so that im not always around couples or with grilfriends who want to talk about relationship issues.. plus hanging out with other singles just makes it easier to find the next relationship :)

from what everyone keeps telling me - i guess it just takes a lot of letting go to heal - esp when your relationship was at the stage of marriage or if you were already married - there are so many comforts that you miss that make you want to go running back.

ive started to let go of the woulda coulda shouldas of the past and started to think about what i want to do differently in my future relationships...to everyone who's going through the heartache - i wish you luck and just remember... if the person you love(d) couldnt love you back the same way.. its time to find someone who can!

thanks for reading :)

Cindy.. when the other person is telling you it is YOU and that YOU need to work on this or that so MAYBE by some impossible miracle you can one day be together.. well, don't believe it. My ex did that and it is crazy. If he/she really wants to work things out they will NOT say these things.. will NOT see other people and will NOT put you thru all this pain, where you are going crazy and driving your family nuts! Yes.. couple have trials from time to time, but this is not some simple argument or disagreement - you have broken up.

I think you and KAT are finally opening your eyes to who your ex's really are OR whom they have become now.

You ladies both seem very nice. Hold fast to the NC, hang out with your fam and girlfriends, catch up on your TV shows and reading and other hobbies. Keep busy and push those mean old EXs out! Deal with the hurt (don't ignore it or cover it) but share it here and in limited fashion with people around you.

If you give it some time you will get better. It you keep pulling the wound back and looking under the scab, you will only feel pain and slow the healing. It is all logical but since we are hurting, we get really focused on our wounds.

Take some time, don't rebound with someone else. If you can keep up with the NC and self improving for at least 3 months straight, chances are good you could make it to 6 months. Then after that, you will be home free! And in a year you may actually be someone who can be with someone else without driving them crazy over your feelings for your EX. If you don't put this time into it up front, A) your EX won't take you back anyway and B) you will drive a new person crazy and C) rinse repeat - you will have a new EX.

This is not gloom and doom, it is the the dark reality of your new life (on mars!). If you do it well however, it will be dark but then you will see LIGHT breaking on the dawn!

@KAT - Kat_ i know how you feel. For four years i was blissfully in love and I thought we both were, he still says he was. We rarely fought had lots of fun. But when we started planning a wedding things went bad, i guess its something he hadnt truly thought about and hid his feelings oh and the fact that he was talking to another girl from me. So three months before the wedding he tells me he cant. Yes breakups really suck especially when your ex is out dating a woman 15yrs older with kids, (my ex is 23 she is 38) all the while telling me to work on my issues so that later on in the future we can be together cuz he loves me but this isnt the right time for us. I call him constanly just to talk to him we lived together for four years! I dont understand what happened. Iam never dating a guy younger than me,I am three yrs older than he. I have tried the no contact rule and Iam fine for like one day then the urge to talk to him comes and it consumes me and its all i can think about then I call him. Ill call him when I know hes home at like 1 or 2 in the morning, i dont stay ,up its when I wake up in the middle of the night and I call him. I want to be happy I want to move on its just so incredibly hard! I feel like my family is getting annoyed with my constant crying and talking and analyzing, i want to stop i really do iam so sick of this!!!

@joe blessing -
ICK. Those are really awful words because they're probably not the words you're used to hearing of her mouth. It made me think of this tiny similar thing... My ex lived in my house with me and his daughter. We had a dog together. When he moved, he took only the top things he wanted (after three years I received only a few text messages blaming it on me and telling me he was moving out... While I was away for the weekend trying to figure out how to handle his distant and strange behavior... BUT anywho)... We had a dog together that he now wants nothing to do with. In one of this final messages he said "Take care of 'little' Fido." "Little Fido?" I felt like I never knew him. Same as "That's sweet." Ick.

NO CONTACT is the way to avoid hearing those phrases that make the ex seem like an alien! I'm convinced!

In my own case, I did as a step to reconciliation at some point. I know for certain that the love she felt for me is still in her, but its buried beneath fear, bad advice, maybe even immaturity. Who knows, but if we get to the point where we are around each other, the connection will re-connect. I know all people in my situation think that, but it is true for many people as well. Does not mean it will happen. It might not. I’ll see. As it is now, I will plan on being very low key, though the patience of the idea is killing me. I’m not a patient guy. I pick a target in life, and move straight toward it.

@Eddie Corbano -

I hear that, but gotta ask. I still don't see how NC helps you with reconcillation. Out of site, out of mind. It seems the break advice in this regard is always the same, and seems a bit fatalistic. Even if a person has no shot at gettng thier ex, if they want to try, I don't see how 2 yrs of NC is gonna do anything.

@Jeff

Very interesting metaphor and well put. Thanks for the comment :) .

People ask me a lot whether they should send birthday cards to their Exes and break their No-Contact because of that.

I always reply: "What are you trying to achieve with this?"

Are you trying to avoid that your Exes are getting angry because you ignore them? Is it a careful attempt for reconciliation? Waiting for a reaction?

Guys, listen to me, nothing ever good comes out of breaking no-contact. It will only throw you back.

Never forget: You are on your path to recovery, avoid anything that will endanger that!

@sheela

Don't beat yourself up because you broke no-contact, it happens, it's ok, just resume no contact again.

It would be best if you could change your number, or block his ID (this seems drastic, but it would help tremendously).

Eddie

@Eddie Corbano - i have broken the no contact rule again ..i have been successful in the past few months,i never contacted him since we broke up..but the problem is,he is the one calling me and i find it so hard to not answer his calls.i want to but i cant resist the chance of hearing his voice again...i want to get over him totally but his calls are the reason that i cant.i wish i can find the courage to reject his calls.

These are all great comments/observations folks. Yes.. it is hard.. yes it will take time..

Welcome to LIFE ON MARS!

Life on Mars is strange, sometime very cold and very lonely. It is a new way of life. It sounds like SOME of the relationships described here (above) should work out! Each is (was) so very completely connected. But something happened, there was a 'crash', some horrible life altering accident. Some of us saw it coming afar off, others of us woke up in a comma and found the other person not at our hospital bedside, but gone. Where did they go and why?

Life on Mars is very different from the way it was on Earth. It almost seems like an out-of-body experience doesn't it? We are on a different planet now, a new plane of existence it seems. But wait.. my job is still there, and my family and friends are too.. but my love has changed.. they (he or she) may still even be around, but they are a ghost of their former self. Alien. Welcome to Mars. You know you are on Mars because everything feels so utterly strange. I live on Mars myself and it seems strange to me.

Some of us MAY find our way back to Earth. At this point in the pain each of us desperately want, NEED to 'find our way back home'. When does the next rocket leave for old Blue? However many, if not most, will warm to the new glow of the life on Red, and in time Mars will become our home. And many will stay on Mars and be content there as they become accustomed to the change in atmosphere. And many more here, after they have been here a while, will find others who have been swept to Mars (or may just be visiting tourists) and find new love on the red planet. These will one day awake anew to discover that red has become blue and now they have found their home back on Earth.

Just a bit of creative writing to put a new spin on the oddities of this crazy journey we call life and love. There are lots of people who find themselves on Mars, some are just folks that have never found their own 'true blue'. There may be other fish in the sea, but on Mars, there are a lot of new friends to be made. If it is time go to Mars and have a look around. Shoot, you may already BE on Mars and did not even know it. Take your rest, wander the lonely landscapes, reconnect with the real you. Clear your head in the lighter levels of oxygen. Avoid falling into the cracks and avoid the duststorms of depression. Climb the ancient volcanoes and ascent to a new life, a new light. Then, and only then, come down and look around. You may find others whom are also descending next to you. Find someone who has been on just such a journey and I guarantee that in THIS person, you will find someone who may be THAT person who will last a lifetime. Avoid the journey, curse the harsh Life on Mars, and short-circuit it to find someone else damaged back here on Terra Firma, and you will most certainly find yourself back on Mars in a few short months or years. Make this journey once, but make it right, and the rewards could rocket you to lifetime of lasting happiness and contentment!

Good luck fellow travelors!

-Jeff

UGH, bad news… but it may not be over.

Saturday morning my ex and I had a talk, she told me she was tired of lying to me and said I needed to know the truth. She told me things I didn’t really want to hear but I think we may be able to work on things.

Well ill try to make this long story short but I’m not sure if I can do it. Before we got together she was dating this guy she worked with, they were more “friends that had sex”. Well when her and I started talking this made him really mad because she wanted to be with me and we were together which meant no more sex for him, and she kind of just wrote him out of her life because he was always trying to break us up and get with her.

For 4 years things have been great, and then she gets a new job where her brother works well said guy also works there. I didn’t want her to take the job at the time because I figured he would be back to his old game. She reassured me that she loved me and wanted to be with me and not to worry about it and that she wouldn’t talk to him. So for our sake I dropped it, just like she had asked. Well after thinking she was pregnant and finding out she wasn’t she started questioning everything about her life and where she should be at, who she should be with, if she really loved me… stuff like that.

Well come to find out when her desk moved down to the 3rd floor in their building he sat pretty close to her and they started talking as friends and stuff… she never told me, she was trying to hide it but I felt that something was up and seen some emails they had been sending each other, nothing bad, just friend stuff… anyways, she told me Saturday morning that the spark she once had for me was gone, and the passion she once had for me wasn’t there anymore, but she did feel the passion for him. She said she loves me and wants to be with me, but at the time she “wanted” him. She said she wants to feel for me the way she used to when I would rub her back, or kiss her on her neck… I did find out that they kissed and she said it was a very passionate kiss… But she said after the kiss, she doesn’t feel that way for him anymore, she said she hasn’t talked to him since that night. She said she wants very much for our relationship to work out, because we are great together, we understand each other, but its just missing that passion. I told her if it was truly there before, then I was sure we could get it back. She said when I used to touch her back or kiss on her neck it used to send a fire through her body that made her want to throw me down on the ground and take me right there… now she says its just me rubbing her back, or kissing on her neck and that fire is no longer there. Like someone hit her off switch and hasn’t turned it back on.

We haven’t had sex In over a week (that’s a long time for us) she said she just is not in the mood, I asked if it was just me that she didn’t want to have sex with or what? She told me, its not you, I just haven’t been in the mood, I don’t feel right. I don’t want to have sex with anyone. I also asked her if they had sex, she swears on everything that the last time they had sex was about 5 years ago and nothing more than a kiss happened when she was with him the other night. I feel really upset about it, but I don’t think I can be upset, were still “broken up”. At one point she told me I should go have sex with other girls and that it would probably help me get over her. I never did though.

@KAT -

I know what you mean. I sent my ex a B-day card this past week. I did not make it super sweet or anything, no I love you’s or miss you. Just happy birthday, and a $2 gift that was inside joke between us. Her response was, “That was really sweet.” I hate those words. I still want her back, but will stay in the background. Hopefully, she begin to miss what we had, open the lines a bit more. She would take my calls, but beyond that I don’t know. Not sure how can or will proceed. I feel like I’m stuck where I am.

@joe blessing -

I don't disagree... I sometimes get depressed when I think that with a little more work, it would have worked.

But I keep reminding myself that that is MY view. Not his view. And I don't think you can love someone enough to give them that kind of want, so to speak. At some point, whether it's emotional, financial, physical... Relationships are made for two. And one can't give the other the "oompf" to step it up and make it happen, no matter how much that one might want it.

I broke my no contact rule this weekend and I feel that much more weird now. Not good, not bad. Just strange. He left some things at my house that I probably should have tossed but didn't and decided to message him about. He was VERY nice about it. And I immediately regretted it because he can be nice all he wants... But that doesn't give him the desire to make it work!!

I'm going to mail his stuff instead of contacting him again with an option of responding. Break ups suck. And they suck even more when the relationship was largely very good!

@Russ -

I have played around with idea of sending the movie to my ex in the mail.

@KAT -
Thank you for your reply. It gives me a lot to think about. I did write some red flags in my blog, that I thought were maybe things that I did not pay attention to, that I should have maybe. But, like you, because we were so great, it has been hard to give those things the weight that would make me say, I'm better off. I think what your friends said to you, may indeed apply to me as well. Which makes me feel all the more bad, because we both know that will a little more commitment or work, it would have been grand.

Jeff,

I did pick up the movie "fireproof" i even bought the book "the love dare" i have yet to receive them in the mail, but when i do we are going to watch the movie and read the book... your not the only person that has recommended that movie to me. Thanks again Jeff, you have been a big help.

Jeff,

Thanks for the reply, I know sex can cloud the mind, but I don’t think it does it our case. Not saying that your wrong or anything, but were just two people that love to have sex… If we were making love, I think it would be a different story.

We have started sleeping in other rooms, its killing me to live in the same house with her and not sleep with her. I just really enjoy holding her, she gets really cold really easy and I’m like a personal heater, so when I hug her why she is cold, she grabs on tight and doesn’t let go.

Now I know I shouldn’t be asking her to take me back, or asking for 1 last chance… but I cant help it, I love her so much… all I want to do is be with her. I try to see a life for myself without her in it, and its blank… she said its because I don’t want to see the great life I could have without her and that all I want to see is a life with us.

The other day I told her how she made me feel when we first met. I truly think she is my one and only true love in life so far. I have had other relationships but none of them girls made me feel the way she did. I was obsessed with her, I used to wait by the phone for her to call when she got off work, I used to get sweaty palms every time I knew we were going to hang out. When I first asked her to come over and meet my parents at a cookout we were having I was so scared, scared that she would be chased away by my crazy family, lol, I know its silly, but no other girl has ever made me feel the way she has. The first time she told me “I think I’m falling in love with you.” Was the best day of my life. I was so excited, all I could do is cry, and hug her when she told me… I of course told her I was falling for her too.

We were working on a family, having a kid, talking about getting married, we bought each other wedding rings… the whole 9 yards. We did it all, we don’t argue, we don’t yell at each other, we have a great friendship, she can tell me anything and I can tell her anything, I don’t understand where things went south.

I truly believe we were meant to be together but she feels like there is someone else out there that she is supposed to be with, she told me she feels there is one person on this planet that we are supposed to find a be with and that she didn’t think I was the person she was supposed to spend the rest of her life with.

She told me not to take it in a bad way, but she said she is happy here, and that she could be happy with me, well she didn’t use the word happy she said “content” but she told me if she did that, she would feel like she is settling for something she doesn’t want, something that’s not supposed to be.

@joe blessing -
I am in much the same boat as you. My finacee and I often got comments like this... People told us we were perfect together. And we, literally, had a relationship that made other people want to be like us. However, several times throughout our relationship, he had gone through a "distancing period" where he refused to answer my calls, considered breaking it off, etc. These were usually very short in duration and afterwards, we'd go through months of complete happiness... We were together nearly three years. He and his daughter lived with me.

I realized after talking to friends that there was something more to be said about those "distancing periods" that I wrote off as problems because of his previous divorce. He also would have consistent problems with jobs--would get into them all excited and then several months in want to quit because of the "problems" there.

I say this to point this out... I one hundred percent BELIEVED that this was THE guy. And when I tell you we were happy, I mean I felt like romantic comedies were based on me. I felt lucky every day. He didn't abuse me, he didn't ignore me (except during weird times). Mostly, he was always helpful, loving and supportive. Our goals, etc. (with the exception of him not settling on a career) were in line, as were yours. I went through a stressful period at work (I was working while he was in school and was afraid of losing my job)... That resulted in the beginning of another distancing period. And then, long story short, he left.

My friends recently pointed out that because we were blissfully happy 80 percent of the time, I wasn't connecting some of the other pieces. Instead, I assumed that he was in the same emotional place as I was. It is clear to me now that that was not the case. Otherwise, he would NOT have done something I wouldn't have dreamed of--by that I mean moving out. If he were in the same place as me, he would have stayed with me. I'd be willing to bet that if your gf was in the same place as you--she wouldn't have left.

It's not that breaking up means there is someone else... It is that it is comforting to know that there IS! It isn't you who ended the relationship and therefore it's probable that you're not going to be able to fix it either (unless she comes back with some reasonable request like "can we go to counseling to communicate better" for example). After my ex moved out, I extended an offer to chat/ work it out b/c I think we are great together... And he declined. Case closed. Whatever was there for me and I thought was there for him, wasn't equal on both sides, changed or he met someone else.

I believe you when you say you were great! Because we were to. I felt compelled to let you know that you're NOT alone in that thought. But that, honestly, means you have a lot to give someone else. Someone who will not leave you the way that she did. If you hold out hope that you will get back together and she's not giving you cues that you will... Then you are giving her power in your life that she doesn't deserve!!! Your life is about you and you being a whole person without her. Look back over the relationship and pick out less-than-perfect behaviors she may have exhibited. I promise they are there. I made a list. I remind myself of that each time I feel bewildered.

It seems to me that everyone gets into this pattern of, well if if ended then that means you’re meant to be with someone else. But I don’t think a that all. Ther are people that are supposed to be together, and how can you not feel tortuous pain when it for some godforsaken reason you split. I was with my ex for 7 yrs. And we are better together than we will be with anyone else. There was something special about us, and everyone we know, friends, family, and even random strangers commented on it. Two weeks before she told me she wanted to separate, we spend New Years Eve together, and at the NY’s eve event we had no less than three random strangers walk up to us and comment on how we looked together. That has been a theme through out our relationship. Our values, goals, etc were in line with each other. Now we’re apart. I don’t get it. And I don’t get why I’m supposed to just believe that we can’t get back together, or that someone else is the one I’m actually supposed to be with. I don’t get why people insist that is the case.

Russ,

One quick comment that I have here that might get me killed but I don't mean to be mean. Sex clouds the head. IMHO that is why it is meant for a commited relationship (primarily marriage). When the two become one there is a bond. Marriage makes the commitment more permanent. Yeah yeah, divorces can be had, but it is not like you can get one overnight (well unless you fly to Vegas or Mexico I guess - just kidding!). But outside of this commitment (legal, moral, whatever) it is easier to walk away in the end.

BUT on the total flip side.. it makes it harder to walk away as well - even when you know you should. It is like your head knows it is not right and should be over, but your body is on the sex-drug.

I say all this to help explain to you why she might do as you said (threaten to kill you if you shave) when she also says she wants to break up and sell your home. Your 'pair bonding' is complete physically so she is having a hard time breaking up, but mentally, emotionally, spiritually and legally in the eyes of 'God and man' (so to speak) the commitment is NOT complete. If it were, there would not be this confusion for you and her. You both sound like very nice people and I am not trying to slap a moral judment on either of you. I am just telling you some stuff you won't hear in most forums these days. It is not popular but I think it is true. When you bond and that is ripped away, it is like gluing two boards together and ripping them apart. There are little bits and pieces still stuck to each of you from the other person. It is best to bond on both the levels I mention above and have the added commitment to stay together and work on your love; date one another even after you are both old and gray, that sort of stuff. Sounds corny but you know it is what you want. Heck, we all do!

Have you two seen the new video release called 'Fireproof'? I just saw that a week or so ago and thot: WOW! Every couple should see this! The girls wants OUT and the guy goes on this 'love dare' deal (even tho he is really mad at her and almost wants to let her go). It sorta sounds like it might fit your situation. I say run to the vid store and rent a copy. I'd loan ya mine but I already loaned mine out! :-) Then report back here with what you thot. See if you can get her to agree to watch it with you OR at least to watch it (maybe you watch it 1st then give to her or rent two copies).

Hang in there buddy! I am pulling for you. We are all in this together!

-Jeff

Angel,

I hope you are doing better today. There will be good days and bad days. Like I said waaay above if you read my other posts.. you totally need to get 'REBUILDING : When Your Relationship Ends.'. Find a deal on Amazon. It was one of the biggest things that helped me. I know you are busy with your studies but get it and commit to reading one chapter a day (or at least 1 every 2-3 days) and tell yourself: 'I won't see him or go back to him OR date someone new until I have made it through the book.' Even if you only get halfway thru it you will see some things. It is like having a friend with you at night when things get tough that understands. The words are like totally written to and about Angel. This is no Bible or anything like that (that would be good to read too IMHO) but the authors are totally plugged into what you are going thru. If I could walk up to you and hand you a copy I would.

You asked us how to NOT go thru this again? Well.. my suggestion here is one way. And if you do get the book (and I hope you will) I will be happy to hear your comments and questions on each chapter you go thru if you have any.

I am not the author of it or get any money if you do get it, I am so positive about it since it really helped me get out of my jammed up, unheathly relationship with my ex-gf. It was nice to come back to my room and have that to open rather than my cell phone to call her. GET IT! :-)

And.. speaking of calls..

Don't!

Pull him and his mom, etc. out of your cell's address book. Seriously. Get the book, stop making calls and get that good little head of yours clear!

Hope you have a great week or weekend or whatever it is when you next read here.

-Jeff

Eddie

I am having a really hard time dealing with my current situation. My girlfriend of 5 years told me she no longer wants to be with me and wants to start her life over. I am 23 years old and she will be 22 this June. I know we are young and there are plenty of other girls out there but I don’t want some other girl… I love her to death, and I care for her so much.

What I don’t understand is at the beginning of this year (2009) we were working on having a kid. We both thought the idea of a kid sounded so great and we acutely thought she was pregnant but it turned out that she had just skipped a month. After that happened she started questioning everything about our relationship, her life, what she wanted to do with her life… everything.

I just don’t understand what happened. We were so happy, we bought a house, we have 2 dogs together, we are so meshed in each others lives its not funny. She tells me she still loves me, how great of a guy I am, and that she cares so much for me but she just doesn’t see her self being happy with me anymore. I don’t understand how you can feel that way about someone and say “I don’t think I can be happy with you” to them.

Everything that can be done wrong at getting over a relationship has been done by me, I don’t eat anymore, I don’t sleep well, I don’t laugh, I don’t spend time with my family, I work go home and think about her… I think about her all the time. At this moment we are still together but she has let me know that this relationship is not what she wants and that she is not happy. I just cant bare to let her go, let her walk away from 5 years and not even try to work things out. She says there is nothing to work out and that she just doesn’t want to be in this relationship anymore, so I asked her “so your just going to go find some other Joe blow that doesn’t even lover or care for you the way I do and be with him?” she told me she didn’t want to be in any relationship and that there was nothing wrong with me and that she just wants to be on her own.

Like I said right now we are still together and still having wonderful sex together, hanging out watching movies, laughing… things a couple would do. She still tells me she loves me when I asked why she tells me that she replied “just because I don’t want to be in a relationship doesn’t me I don’t love you”. When I am with her I try to act like it doesn’t bother me but when I’m at work, I feel like I want to cry 24/7 just thinking about it, knowing that one day it will be over.

A lot of people told me I should tell her to move out of my house and try and move on. Its so hard though, I worry about where she would go, how she would be on her own, will she be able to make it on her own. Sometimes I think she doesn’t want to split up because of the things she says for example, the other night she told me “your suck with me” she has also made plans for us to do things in the future, also I asked her about getting another dog and she was like “probably in 5 years when one of our others die” last example is really silly but I figured I should tell you. The other night we just got done having sex and were laying in bed and she’s playing with my chest hair, I told her I was thinking about shaving it and she said “if you do, ill kill you, I love your chest hair” why would she say and do all this stuff if she really wanted to split up??

Tonight we are going to talk about options, not for the relationship but for the house. If were not going to be together there is not way either of us could pay for the house on our own, we purchased the house thinking we would be together forever, and we count on each others income. I know I will probably turn into a big pussy and cry my eyes out tonight… but I cant help it, its so hard, I love her SOOOOOO much, I cant let her go!!

dear Jeff, thanks for ur reply. Today i feel much better... No more waking up with tears stain on my face... But still, i can't get rid of our memories... for these past few days i've been calling his mom just to ask about him. He said to his mom that he will contact me back after sometime and he did not intend to break up. He treated me like rubbish.. I've been begging to him and push down my ego.. Walk to class in tears... How can he said that he is just testing me? Don't he ever think how hard it is to me... And how can someone who claimed that he loves u caused so much pain to u just to save his ego? And now i doubted whether his love is true. In 4 years of our relationship we have broke up more than five times over silly mistake. And the recent one because i don't pick up his calls. He feels that we don't have understanding. What hurt me the most that he did it via msg. He don't even have the guts to tell me. I know the reason, someday he might want to come back to me as he always did... But this time i refused to let it happen again... It's not that i don't love him.. It's because he caused me so much pain.. I don't hate him either.. I still keep our pictures... I just tell myself that may be were not meant for each other... What i'm afraid of is that he will come back when i am +ve about life.. And he always know that i will not be able to resist him... This is how our relationship goes on for these 4 years.. I'm asking u guys how to stop this thing from happening again...