Time heals all wounds.
At least, that's what they tell you when you mention that you've been dumped recently (along with giving you that look).
But, does time really heal the wound brought to you by a breakup or divorce?
I think that this is a common misunderstanding.
Time would not heal anything if it didn't force you to go through a certain process.
Time is the medium; you do the healing.
Time does heal to a certain degree, but the wounds are not healed adequately, let alone completely if you don't contribute anything to the healing process yourself.
Time makes you forget, but your problems are still there. Hidden, but present.
Conscious Healing
Is a break up painful? I know it is.
Are you amplifying your pain by improper behavior? Well, let's see.
For efficient and in-depth healing you have to take a “conscious healing” approach.
That's what I am teaching in my coaching.
Someone said to me lately that she is doing nothing special to overcome her divorce. Just waiting for time to heal it.
What could she do about it anyway?
There are a lot of things you could do to start the “conscious healing.”
A conscious healing approach means that you have to make efforts, like do exercises and shift your state of mind, as opposed to doing nothing, letting the time to work for you.
Before you start with exercises because you don't feel like you need to at the beginning, why not change the few things that directly influence your wellbeing in a negative way?
Why is your Break-Up or Divorce killing you?
There is a typical behavior pattern that you see over and over again. People are so overwhelmed by their pain (particularly in the beginning of the break up), that they willingly or unwillingly, drift into certain manners.
What are these manners and how are they contributing to your pain?
Please read on.
7 Ways you are Amplifying your Pain
Listed below are the main reasons why people are suffering from a relationship break up more than they should in the first months.
This, of course, also implies that when you stop doing these certain things, you will feel much better.
You could call this “indirect healing,” because it doesn't take a direct initiative, just a change in thinking.
This is much easier, as the first phases of a breakup are characterized by a paralyzing lethargy.
(MORE: The 7 New Stages of Grief After a Breakup)
Sounds good?
So, let's start:
1. Neglecting the Body's Needs
I know you don't feel like eating (or some of you eat way too much).
I know you don't want to go jogging. But believe me, you make it worse if you neglect the simple needs of your body.
If you are not a friend of healthy cuisine, try at the least to maintain your eating habits that you've had before your break up or divorce.
Never stop working out, jogging or taking part in the sports you used to do.
If you suffer from mental pain, there is no reason to carry it over to your body.
2. Continual Mental Reasoning
I know that you rethink the past events over and over again.
It's almost like a compulsion. You think that maybe you were missing something and if you relive the breakup, then it would make sense eventually.
You have to realize one thing: It is not your obligation to suffer!
This vicious cycle of thought is one of the main reasons for your suffering. You must break out of it.
Distraction and mental-control through meditation are the keys to getting over this blocker.
3. Isolation
Never isolate yourself for better suffering.
Call all your friends, make appointments, so that you don't have to spend a minute alone. Go sporting, go on vacation, meet people.
Action is the key.
Isolation gives you time to think. Thinking is bad for you now.
4. Trying to Get Your Ex Back
Hope is a very dangerous thing. At least in a breakup.
There are no rules whether it is possible to get your Ex back or not.
But I strongly advise you to accept the fact that the relationship is over, rather than to try to get back your Ex despairingly.
If you really want to get your Ex back (chances are that you will not with time), then your odds will be much higher when you become a stable personality again.
5. High Ex-Attachment
It is very important that you clean up your place from all the things which remind you of your Ex.
Put all the photos, CDs, letters, gifts in a big box and hide it in the cellar. Don't throw it away; you might regret this one day.
I cannot emphasize the importance of this enough.
Another very vital factor to your healing is the no-contact rule.
Once you know that it's over and there is no more business you have to do regarding the divorce or break up, you should cut off the contact to your Ex completely.
No phone calls, no e-mails, no text messages. Don't go to the places you could meet accidentally.
Believe me, it's for your own good, and this is the only way.
6. Taking No Charge
You have to realize, especially at the beginning, that it's yourself who is responsible for your healing and happiness.
Your Ex does not cause your pain, you do it to yourself with the mindset that you need your Ex to be happy.
Your Ex is not responsible for your happiness!
If you consciously take charge and realize that it's only you who can make a change, then you've made the first step towards a happier life.
7. Self-Punishment
There is something I regularly observe when working with clients:
Most break-up victims have an affinity for suffering, a self-induced compulsion to feel the pain.
It is almost like “Oh, this is a breakup, so I have an obligation to suffer!”.
Trying to break out of this mindset is not easy and causes feelings of guilt. This is the vicious cycle mentioned in no. 2.
Simply resist the compulsion to listen to “your song,” to look at mutual photos, to watch those heart-killing movies, to talk to or stalk your Ex.
Do not torture yourself. Resist!
I know that you may think that these things are your last connection to your Ex, but believe me when I say: all they cause is pain.
You have a right to be free and feel good. It's your choice.
Conclusion
The first months of a breakup or divorce are tough. There is no motivation for doing anything, not to mention working on self-improvement.
The knowledge of certain behavior patterns which cause pain comes in handy.
Avoiding these mistakes cuts off a good part of your arduous journey which lies ahead.
Then you will gain the power to take the “conscious healing” approach and not only survive your break up but gain so much more.
That is the prize which makes all the suffering worthwhile.
Your friend,
Eddie
Saul, when I have read and what one buddy of mine had to do was to have a third party act as the go between for the kids. There should be parenting guidelines for the particular state you are in that govern visiting rights for the custodial and non-custodial parents. Check out the state web site for these rules. If you live in two different states, consult a lawyer. A third party can be used for the hand off of the kids. So if you are to have them for the weekend, instead of going over to her house, she drops them off with another that she trusts and lets you know where to go get them, and you return them in a similar fashion. This does take some arranging ahead of time but the work may be worth it long term. In the short term it may give you some space and relief. Also, if she were the one who left, seeing you constantly may give her some feeling of security like you WILL always be around. Doing the third party deal will cut off her emotional string to her and let her see what life will really be like without you. This might actually be really good for the situation. Read on..
I don’t know anything about your situation, who broke it off or why; but when kids are involved (or one really still is married) I think there is a responsibility to really explore if a break up is totally the way to go. If there was an affair that caused the split up, statistically these things burn themselves out in like 8 months (when the people involved realize the grass is NOT greeener on the other side of the fence). It could take longer if the people are stubborn and won’t admit this when they discover it. Personally I would hold tight if you were the one left out in the cold (so to speak). I would not recommend pinning or obsessing about reconcilliation, but don’t do the whole rebound bandaid starting to date again thing. JUST SAY NO! I always hear the best advice is: don’t make things worse. Work on self healing and becoming a stronger person. It can take up to a year (longer for some) to go thru all the stages of the loss.
Good luck and hang in there. I am pulling for you. We are all in this together!
Eddie
How do you deal with the no contact rule when you have to talk to her or see her. I mean we have kids together and will always have that attachment to where we have to communicate on way or another and yes it hurts so much every time I here her voice or see her I think I would be doing better if I could go the no contact route but sometimes I can not avoid it.
hey sheela, I feel for you. time to unwind is what you need. please see my illustration on eddie’s main page at:
https://lovesagame.com/the-magic-formula-for-overcoming-a-break-up-fast/
My ex-gf whom I broke up with in January works 20 feet away from me! Not good, but in some ways it helped me (again read my comments at the link above on normalizing.. it might happen for you, but only when you are down the road a bit) but I am sure it also hurts me. Thankfully she will be moving onto a new job in the next month or so.
Good luck to you! Keep reading on Eddie’s site and also check out a great book I recommend that helps you to really heal. I mention it as well on the same link above on eddie’s page. Actually I mentioned it above here as well (the book).
hi eddie,
thank you for the articles that you have posted in your site.it really helped me a lot when my bf and i had broken up.i ‘ve recovered from my pain,for about 3 months now.i thot i was totally over him…but i have broken 1 rule too..the no contact rule…my Ex BF called me 2 days ago.i opened our line of communication again hoping that we still have a 2nd chance…but i guess theres no chance anymore and now im back to first phase…i have noone to blame but myself,of what i am suffering right now.i have recovered from the break up for several months now.just a phone call from him,and now im back to the dark road i have throd before…
for now i have told him to stop communicating with me.no phone calls,text messages or emails.for me to move on with my life and get over him totally…please do help me with my dillema..please give me more advise on what to do,to be over him…thank you.
Hi Eddie,
I happened to come across your very helpful website while I was searching for ways to help me get over my very recent misfortunte.
A little bit of background, I am a 24 year old guy and I was in 2 relationships to date. My first relationship lasted about 3 years but during the last year, I started falling out of love but did not break it up with her.
Early, last year, I found myself falling for another girl (whom I had known for 7 years) and once my first gf found out, she broke it up with me. Since I already did not have any love for her anymore at the time, I did not really suffer any issues (at least I don’t think so).
This second girl that I’m with has truly changed my life and given a reason to my life. She became a priority in my life and reduced all my other things in life into secondary status. This does not mean I stopped working or anything that drastic, I just meant that I cut down on extra work to spend more time with her.
Just 4 months ago, we got married and I thought that everything was fine. Sure I’ve made some mistakes before but I don’t think anyone is perfect. Then about 2-3 weeks ago, she started telling me she wanted to have freedom. I had noticed that she was spending a lot of time with her friends but when I confronted her about it, she says they are just friends and will never be anything more.
As a guy, I could see the way that they treated her and the way she treated them were not just as friends. It was pretty much similar to the way I was when I was dating her. Then last weekend, she told me she had made a decision. She doesn’t love me anymore and has fallen in love with one of her friends. (Both had fallen for her and confessed it).
Right now I’m feeling hurt at this very sudden change in her heart. I know from your posts that I should be moving on, but it is a painful path. I am trying to adhere by the no contact rule but I find it almost impossible to do so. For one, we are living in the same apartment and we do see each other occasionally even though we have very different working hours at the moment.
Eddie, do you think that the lack of any grieving period between relationships could have caused the loss of my marriage even harder to take?
I can be feeling positive and ok about it for a moment and become drastically upset the next. Its like a roller coaster. Does the fact that my ex-wife is just 18 years old mean that she is not yet ready to commit and it was a mistake to marry?
Lastly, your site has been of a great help to me. Thank you for writing such great advices to help heal broken hearts.
Sam, (and the rest) here is a book that someone gave to me that has really helped me get over the pain: REBUILDING : When Your Relationship Ends.
Here is an amazon link:
Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends
Please note, this book SEEMS to target divorce situations but it is much better and more far reaching than that. It is for ANY serious breakup. And it not only helps you to understand where you are and your feelings in the process, but it also delves into some of what your EX is going thru too, thier mindset and even some crazy behavior they may be doing or will do (like finding someone new WAY TOO SOON!) and it helps YOU to avoid the same crazy mistake(s) and pitfalls.
This is a good book to pick up when you get sad or are feeling guilty or all alone. It hits ALL the major break-up issues. This was one of the three major things that helped me get thru my break-up. The second was what the book calls ‘life line friends’ and the third was the whole higher power thing, which for me was my personal faith and connection with God. The book alone though goes a long way and I am guessing you will be very happy that you picked up a copy and started reading.
thank you so much, I’m in my first 5 days and it hurts so much. I have been in contact with her a few times but last night she made it clear that its over. So from me there won’t be any contact in the short term, we dont hate each other and her reasons for breaking up are valid so I’m still in expectation of one day having my friend back – but right now I feel lost, lonely and utterly dejected. Your website helps no end, thank you
Hey Eddy,
Nothing new under the sun I know, but how do you avoid contact when you work 20 feet apart? :oP Yea.. an office romance (affair actually) gone bad. We were together nearly 4 years. I believe the break up was needed. It was wrong in the first place, she was wanting to move to the next level (marriage) and I guess I still had too much guilt so we broke up (tho she did not want to).
Final question sir, I was sooo relieved at first to be broken up, I was happy, whistling, etc. Then something strange occurred; a week ago (this is about 4+ months after the break-up) I over hear that she is dating and even looking at rings with a new guy! All of a suddent I am in a major state of depression, crying, etc. WHY?!? Did I never grieve properly, even tho I was very much relieved that we split up? It was a very hard week and was getting better until I saw pictures of the new guy and his kids on her desk Friday on my way home for the weekend. :o/ I feel like I am going crazy. I don’t want her back and even feel worried that she is rebounding and I feel a bit sorry for the new guy. (RUN NEW GUY RUN!!) Holy Smokes Eddie! What is going on upstairs with me? :oP
I am so happy that I have found this web-site. I recently have gone through a breakup, and the statement “torturing” myself is so true. Since I have started reading from this web-site I have found some inner peace that I haven’t felt for week’s.
Thank you Eddie!
Dear Eddie,
I ll try to make it shorter than nopainnogain…
well after a divorce I met a pretty attractive woman, we had a first relationship, chaotic and passionate , who ended up toughly after 6 months. we were really attached to each other but somehow it went out of control. we met 3 months later and tried again, this time I carefully cleaned all issues we encountered in our first period in order to start over on a good basis.But she kept being dissatisfied and had an instable and demanding behavior. As I am a father of a little girl of 5, I could not afford to accept any longer a relationship that create trouble and tension. I am not perfect but I feel I did overall the right things during our second trial. at the end I toughly pushed her out. I know it was a wise decision but I truly loved her on the other hand, I followed the no contact rule since then. Now I am dealing with the pain and the feeling to have lost a love. tricky ?
@ nopainnogain
I just answered via e-mail.
Hi, I need serious, serious advice. I am fully aware of the no-contact rule, but feel that I am in a different place, and may need to break it?? I dont know whether to contact my ex or not. I believe the possibility of us ever getting back together, ever again, could be completely over, if I dont.We have been in an 11 year co-dependant relationship . On again ,off-again continuously, for weeks at a time. We have both said their was something we could never understand that would pull us back together, every time. Something special, something bigger than us. We were so attracted and chemically right for each other. We knew we couldnt survive in a real relationship, and we knew it was dysfunctional, but we both took it in turns of pursuuing and distancing. My ex said he wanted to end it for good on new years day. I had just initiated a 10 week break and was trying to get back. He said he had finally got over it and wanted to get on. Ive been trying to get on, but been in denial, as, in the background of my mind ever since, has been the secret hope that this is just another one of our patterns and he would come around. He sent me an e-mail 1 week after splitting saying how much I had hurt him during that 10 weeks and how he didnt know what Id been up to, he also said their was no possibility of us ever being friends or anything, anymore, after the pain he had been through. I didnt reply at all. Then after 9 weeks, (3 weeks ago )he sent another different and nice e-mail, asking me to lodge some old divorce papers that we had arguably filled out a couple of years ago, but never lodged. He would have known that those papers would have expired. He also asked me to send my bank account number and he would re-imburse me for the money. He ended the e-mail by saying he appreciated my help as he was clueless with these things. This is a man who knows how to do ANYTHING, if he wants too, and doesnt need help from anyone. I didnt reply to the e-mail again, instead, I retrieved a new lot of divorce papers, signed my section in front of a JP and posted them to him. My family thinks this was a usual ploy to get me to run begging to him. After I posted them, I spotted his car near my gym, twice that week. Anyway, yesterday I received the court date and hearing notice for divorce from the family court. My family thinks he only lodged the papers in response to my posting them to him in the first place and also, he is really pissed off because I have done the no-contact thing by not replying to his e-mails. What do you think? This is the longest time we have been apart. This is the worst point we have got too. But I still think he maybe playing the old game? I was hoping that in time, say 6 months to a year, that we would decide then on a divorce, or if we had changed enough to get back together. I dont know if he would tell me the truth about how he feels if I contacted him or not. Or would he be angry and hurt. I just want to know is it really over on his side or not???
@ Princess
Changing the cell-number was a great idea! It really takes a heavy load from your shoulders.
For the feeling of loneliness, distraction is very important: go to a gym, start a new hobby… If you think about it, there are plenty activities you could do with people around. Just minimize the time when you are alone.
Hello, my bf and I broke up about a week ago and one of the best things I did was to change my phone number. It stops me from looking at the phone every few min. and wondering if he’ll ever call. I have good hours and bad hours. I would be much better if i didn’t have so much free time. I recently moved to a new city and started a new job and I don’t have anyone here to go out with or anything, so my bf was pretty much the only person I did things with. It seems I’m always alone with my thoughts, even @ work or while working out. So any suggestions of stuff to keep my mind occupied would be greatly appreciated.
@ LD
One of the toughest things to realize when we break up is that we have to let go the beautiful future we pictured for us. We are under the false impression that this wonderful future is now impossible to reach. This thinking is normal and part of the healing process.
Eventually we will realize that we make our own future, including the “perfect” relationship that we want.
As for getting “too old” , I don’t think that there is something like “too old” . One’s never too old to have a fulfilling relationship.
What you’ve invested was not for nothing, it was just another step towards your happiness.
@ elvis
Yes, no-contact is very hard but so important. You just have to stick it out. Distraction can help a lot.
All the best for you both,
Eddie
hello I broke up with my GF yesterday after one year of the relationship. It’s just killing me right now. I can’t help but thinking about her. And whenever I do, I hate myself, although it wasn’t my fault. My god, it’s just freaking hard. Looking all over for help. thanx for ur post. But the no contact part is too damn hard.
Thank you for writing this Mr. Corbano. It hurts so much and I’m too far from friends and family for them to help. I’ve invested several years in the relationship and sacrificed so much. She was my last best chance for a family, as I’m getting too old to build again what we had with someone else. I’ll try and do what you recommend get better, but it won’t stop time.
Thank you so much for this post. I’m in a really tough situation right now and reading this surely made me more optimistic about it.
Matt,
this is really a classic: the Ex calls for help because something is going wrong in their new life. They do not realize (or they don’t care) the harm they are causing.
I know that it is very difficult to deny help in these situations, but it’s really important to stay strong. Every no-contact break throws you back for weeks.
But I’m glad that you’re right back on the track again. Be strong, you will make it!
I broke one of your rules today, the no contact rule, and now I’m really struggling. I shouldn’t have done it. But she called me and cried because the guy she’s been going out with isn’t treating her well. So, I went over and comforted her. Now tonight I’m right back where I was a week or two or even 3 or 4 weeks ago. I had made so much progress this week, too. Guess I’ll have to get back on track again. Reading this article again helped me to refocus.
Matt