I love this article! Following these steps will help everyone handle a breakup with a lot less pain, and in fact, come out of it a better person than when they even went into the relationship! Great job as usual, Eddie!
Please visit our He Said She Said Love & Relationships Blog as well!
http://www.khalilanddiday.com

I broke one of your rules today, the no contact rule, and now I’m really struggling. I shouldn’t have done it. But she called me and cried because the guy she’s been going out with isn’t treating her well. So, I went over and comforted her. Now tonight I’m right back where I was a week or two or even 3 or 4 weeks ago. I had made so much progress this week, too. Guess I’ll have to get back on track again. Reading this article again helped me to refocus.

Matt

Thank you so much for this post. I’m in a really tough situation right now and reading this surely made me more optimistic about it.

Thank you for writing this Mr. Corbano. It hurts so much and I’m too far from friends and family for them to help. I’ve invested several years in the relationship and sacrificed so much. She was my last best chance for a family, as I’m getting too old to build again what we had with someone else. I’ll try and do what you recommend get better, but it won’t stop time.

hello I broke up with my GF yesterday after one year of the relationship. It’s just killing me right now. I can’t help but thinking about her. And whenever I do, I hate myself, although it wasn’t my fault. My god, it’s just freaking hard. Looking all over for help. thanx for ur post. But the no contact part is too damn hard.

Hello, my bf and I broke up about a week ago and one of the best things I did was to change my phone number. It stops me from looking at the phone every few min. and wondering if he’ll ever call. I have good hours and bad hours. I would be much better if i didn’t have so much free time. I recently moved to a new city and started a new job and I don’t have anyone here to go out with or anything, so my bf was pretty much the only person I did things with. It seems I’m always alone with my thoughts, even @ work or while working out. So any suggestions of stuff to keep my mind occupied would be greatly appreciated.

Hi, I need serious, serious advice. I am fully aware of the no-contact rule, but feel that I am in a different place, and may need to break it?? I dont know whether to contact my ex or not. I believe the possibility of us ever getting back together, ever again, could be completely over, if I dont.We have been in an 11 year co-dependant relationship . On again ,off-again continuously, for weeks at a time. We have both said their was something we could never understand that would pull us back together, every time. Something special, something bigger than us. We were so attracted and chemically right for each other. We knew we couldnt survive in a real relationship, and we knew it was dysfunctional, but we both took it in turns of pursuuing and distancing. My ex said he wanted to end it for good on new years day. I had just initiated a 10 week break and was trying to get back. He said he had finally got over it and wanted to get on. Ive been trying to get on, but been in denial, as, in the background of my mind ever since, has been the secret hope that this is just another one of our patterns and he would come around. He sent me an e-mail 1 week after splitting saying how much I had hurt him during that 10 weeks and how he didnt know what Id been up to, he also said their was no possibility of us ever being friends or anything, anymore, after the pain he had been through. I didnt reply at all. Then after 9 weeks, (3 weeks ago )he sent another different and nice e-mail, asking me to lodge some old divorce papers that we had arguably filled out a couple of years ago, but never lodged. He would have known that those papers would have expired. He also asked me to send my bank account number and he would re-imburse me for the money. He ended the e-mail by saying he appreciated my help as he was clueless with these things. This is a man who knows how to do ANYTHING, if he wants too, and doesnt need help from anyone. I didnt reply to the e-mail again, instead, I retrieved a new lot of divorce papers, signed my section in front of a JP and posted them to him. My family thinks this was a usual ploy to get me to run begging to him. After I posted them, I spotted his car near my gym, twice that week. Anyway, yesterday I received the court date and hearing notice for divorce from the family court. My family thinks he only lodged the papers in response to my posting them to him in the first place and also, he is really pissed off because I have done the no-contact thing by not replying to his e-mails. What do you think? This is the longest time we have been apart. This is the worst point we have got too. But I still think he maybe playing the old game? I was hoping that in time, say 6 months to a year, that we would decide then on a divorce, or if we had changed enough to get back together. I dont know if he would tell me the truth about how he feels if I contacted him or not. Or would he be angry and hurt. I just want to know is it really over on his side or not???

Dear Eddie,

I ll try to make it shorter than nopainnogain…

well after a divorce I met a pretty attractive woman, we had a first relationship, chaotic and passionate , who ended up toughly after 6 months. we were really attached to each other but somehow it went out of control. we met 3 months later and tried again, this time I carefully cleaned all issues we encountered in our first period in order to start over on a good basis.But she kept being dissatisfied and had an instable and demanding behavior. As I am a father of a little girl of 5, I could not afford to accept any longer a relationship that create trouble and tension. I am not perfect but I feel I did overall the right things during our second trial. at the end I toughly pushed her out. I know it was a wise decision but I truly loved her on the other hand, I followed the no contact rule since then. Now I am dealing with the pain and the feeling to have lost a love. tricky ?

I am so happy that I have found this web-site. I recently have gone through a breakup, and the statement “torturing” myself is so true. Since I have started reading from this web-site I have found some inner peace that I haven’t felt for week’s.

Thank you Eddie!

Hey Eddy,

Nothing new under the sun I know, but how do you avoid contact when you work 20 feet apart? P Yea.. an office romance (affair actually) gone bad. We were together nearly 4 years. I believe the break up was needed. It was wrong in the first place, she was wanting to move to the next level (marriage) and I guess I still had too much guilt so we broke up (tho she did not want to).

Final question sir, I was sooo relieved at first to be broken up, I was happy, whistling, etc. Then something strange occurred; a week ago (this is about 4+ months after the break-up) I over hear that she is dating and even looking at rings with a new guy! All of a suddent I am in a major state of depression, crying, etc. WHY?!? Did I never grieve properly, even tho I was very much relieved that we split up? It was a very hard week and was getting better until I saw pictures of the new guy and his kids on her desk Friday on my way home for the weekend. / I feel like I am going crazy. I don’t want her back and even feel worried that she is rebounding and I feel a bit sorry for the new guy. (RUN NEW GUY RUN!!) Holy Smokes Eddie! What is going on upstairs with me? P

thank you so much, I’m in my first 5 days and it hurts so much. I have been in contact with her a few times but last night she made it clear that its over. So from me there won’t be any contact in the short term, we dont hate each other and her reasons for breaking up are valid so I’m still in expectation of one day having my friend back – but right now I feel lost, lonely and utterly dejected. Your website helps no end, thank you

Sam, (and the rest) here is a book that someone gave to me that has really helped me get over the pain: REBUILDING : When Your Relationship Ends.

Here is an amazon link:

Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends

Please note, this book SEEMS to target divorce situations but it is much better and more far reaching than that. It is for ANY serious breakup. And it not only helps you to understand where you are and your feelings in the process, but it also delves into some of what your EX is going thru too, thier mindset and even some crazy behavior they may be doing or will do (like finding someone new WAY TOO SOON!) and it helps YOU to avoid the same crazy mistake(s) and pitfalls.

This is a good book to pick up when you get sad or are feeling guilty or all alone. It hits ALL the major break-up issues. This was one of the three major things that helped me get thru my break-up. The second was what the book calls ‘life line friends’ and the third was the whole higher power thing, which for me was my personal faith and connection with God. The book alone though goes a long way and I am guessing you will be very happy that you picked up a copy and started reading.

Hi Eddie,

I happened to come across your very helpful website while I was searching for ways to help me get over my very recent misfortunte.

A little bit of background, I am a 24 year old guy and I was in 2 relationships to date. My first relationship lasted about 3 years but during the last year, I started falling out of love but did not break it up with her.

Early, last year, I found myself falling for another girl (whom I had known for 7 years) and once my first gf found out, she broke it up with me. Since I already did not have any love for her anymore at the time, I did not really suffer any issues (at least I don’t think so).

This second girl that I’m with has truly changed my life and given a reason to my life. She became a priority in my life and reduced all my other things in life into secondary status. This does not mean I stopped working or anything that drastic, I just meant that I cut down on extra work to spend more time with her.

Just 4 months ago, we got married and I thought that everything was fine. Sure I’ve made some mistakes before but I don’t think anyone is perfect. Then about 2-3 weeks ago, she started telling me she wanted to have freedom. I had noticed that she was spending a lot of time with her friends but when I confronted her about it, she says they are just friends and will never be anything more.

As a guy, I could see the way that they treated her and the way she treated them were not just as friends. It was pretty much similar to the way I was when I was dating her. Then last weekend, she told me she had made a decision. She doesn’t love me anymore and has fallen in love with one of her friends. (Both had fallen for her and confessed it).

Right now I’m feeling hurt at this very sudden change in her heart. I know from your posts that I should be moving on, but it is a painful path. I am trying to adhere by the no contact rule but I find it almost impossible to do so. For one, we are living in the same apartment and we do see each other occasionally even though we have very different working hours at the moment.

Eddie, do you think that the lack of any grieving period between relationships could have caused the loss of my marriage even harder to take?

I can be feeling positive and ok about it for a moment and become drastically upset the next. Its like a roller coaster. Does the fact that my ex-wife is just 18 years old mean that she is not yet ready to commit and it was a mistake to marry?

Lastly, your site has been of a great help to me. Thank you for writing such great advices to help heal broken hearts.

hi eddie,
thank you for the articles that you have posted in your site.it really helped me a lot when my bf and i had broken up.i ‘ve recovered from my pain,for about 3 months now.i thot i was totally over him…but i have broken 1 rule too..the no contact rule…my Ex BF called me 2 days ago.i opened our line of communication again hoping that we still have a 2nd chance…but i guess theres no chance anymore and now im back to first phase…i have noone to blame but myself,of what i am suffering right now.i have recovered from the break up for several months now.just a phone call from him,and now im back to the dark road i have throd before…
for now i have told him to stop communicating with me.no phone calls,text messages or emails.for me to move on with my life and get over him totally…please do help me with my dillema..please give me more advise on what to do,to be over him…thank you.

hey sheela, I feel for you. time to unwind is what you need. please see my illustration on eddie’s main page at:

http://lovesagame.com/the-magic-formula-for-overcoming-a-break-up-fast/

My ex-gf whom I broke up with in January works 20 feet away from me! Not good, but in some ways it helped me (again read my comments at the link above on normalizing.. it might happen for you, but only when you are down the road a bit) but I am sure it also hurts me. Thankfully she will be moving onto a new job in the next month or so.

Good luck to you! Keep reading on Eddie’s site and also check out a great book I recommend that helps you to really heal. I mention it as well on the same link above on eddie’s page. Actually I mentioned it above here as well (the book).

Eddie

How do you deal with the no contact rule when you have to talk to her or see her. I mean we have kids together and will always have that attachment to where we have to communicate on way or another and yes it hurts so much every time I here her voice or see her I think I would be doing better if I could go the no contact route but sometimes I can not avoid it.

Saul, when I have read and what one buddy of mine had to do was to have a third party act as the go between for the kids. There should be parenting guidelines for the particular state you are in that govern visiting rights for the custodial and non-custodial parents. Check out the state web site for these rules. If you live in two different states, consult a lawyer. A third party can be used for the hand off of the kids. So if you are to have them for the weekend, instead of going over to her house, she drops them off with another that she trusts and lets you know where to go get them, and you return them in a similar fashion. This does take some arranging ahead of time but the work may be worth it long term. In the short term it may give you some space and relief. Also, if she were the one who left, seeing you constantly may give her some feeling of security like you WILL always be around. Doing the third party deal will cut off her emotional string to her and let her see what life will really be like without you. This might actually be really good for the situation. Read on..

I don’t know anything about your situation, who broke it off or why; but when kids are involved (or one really still is married) I think there is a responsibility to really explore if a break up is totally the way to go. If there was an affair that caused the split up, statistically these things burn themselves out in like 8 months (when the people involved realize the grass is NOT greeener on the other side of the fence). It could take longer if the people are stubborn and won’t admit this when they discover it. Personally I would hold tight if you were the one left out in the cold (so to speak). I would not recommend pinning or obsessing about reconcilliation, but don’t do the whole rebound bandaid starting to date again thing. JUST SAY NO! I always hear the best advice is: don’t make things worse. Work on self healing and becoming a stronger person. It can take up to a year (longer for some) to go thru all the stages of the loss.

Good luck and hang in there. I am pulling for you. We are all in this together!

Hello Everyone,
I just wanted to share a bit of my story in the hopes that it would bring will bring a glimpse of hope to all of us who are suffering. About a month ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. He is a wonderful individual but he doesn’t have clear idea of where he is going in life… career-wise, family-wise etc. This ended up putting so much pressure on our relationship that it had to end. Even though I was the one who made this desicion I have suffered a great deal… at least for the first couple of weeks. After that, I started thinking and realized that I had to learn to be myself again and to dream for myself again… and so I did. I started being more disciplined, pro-active and dedicated in my marketing career, I started going to French classes again, yoga, spinning, hanning out with my friends… you name it… I don’t have one free minute in the day and this has helped me a great deal. This experience has already made me a better person than I was a month ago, I am more confident in myself, I’m happier in a way, and I have gotten way closer to God…. I do not claim that I am healed completely. I still think about him… almost every day, but as soon as I start feeling sad I start doing something else… and thinking about my goals and plans… This may not work for everyone but as Eddie has said in this blog it sure helps accelerate the healing process…
Eddie: thank you soo much for giving us all a place to share our pain and for sharing your experience with us.

Ex broke up with me after 3.5 years of long distance b/c she needs time and wants to be alone. i dont believe this but that isnt the big issue of confusion, rather, we have plans to see each other in a couple weeks and she is adamant that she wants me to come and stay with her, but continues to say she needs her time and doesnt know when we will get back together, only eventually.

im trying to not communicate with her but the fact that we will be seeing each other in a couple weeks, unless she starts seeing another guy,makes it tough for me to completely ignore her, esp. when she keeps ensuring me that she will not be seeing anyone else, will not be moved on from our relationship, and when im up there things will be like they have always been before the breakup.

i want to move on, but still have some hope inside me that we will get back together, but i doubt it. im tired of dwelling on things, being confused, having false hopes, etc. What do you recommend considering the plans to see each other, which i plan on doing, while trying to become happy again, regardless of what happens between us?

Hi Johnny,

Sounds like she wants it both ways! Women!!

Anywho part of me thinks to go ahead with the plans and see how things go, maybe with the idea to see if you can tell for sure if there is hope or if you just need to cut it off.

The other part of me says, cut if off now. Tell her it hurts you to do this and that you will be moving on. Assure her you are not playing lovers games and that you need some emotional stability in your life right now, and living in LimboLand is not for you.

If the relationship is not healthy and it is not progressing and it makes you more upset than happy then those are clear signs that it should probably be over (and maybe should never have been in the first place). All relationships have their struggles, but no single relationsip should be so problematic that it saps all or most of your emotional energy and thought life. Also long distance relations tend to drag out the problems that might be resolved for the better or might lead to the end of a relationship sooner if the couple was actually in the same town.

Might be time to break the bonds of confusion and take a year off. See my Amazon link above for a good book to read during this year. Get healed up and then cautiously put the ‘welcome mat’ out again. Life is too short and there are some many nice, stable people out there for you to connect with.

Best wishes and let us know how it goes!

-Jeff

i’ve been in a relationship with my first cousin for almost for years but we have broke up for several times and get back together again after few months. things going on like a wheel.. it’s like i have to go through the same thing over and over gain.. happy relationship for about a months and then the fight… break up for few months and get back together again.. the last time i accept him back i had promise to myself that this is the last chance for us if it happen that we break up again that will be the end. last week we have a fight over a small misunderstanding and he asked for a break up..he did it via text message. i called him for hundred of times but he didnt pick up the phone and didnt reply my text msgs..he just keep silent. now i dont know what to do because i really love him. it is harder for me because were cousins… i cant follow your no contact rules… i really need help…
i cant focus on my studies and feel like the world collapse.. i think i will not be able to replace him with someone else.. he is my first love…besides i have to think about our family. my mom objected our relationship and i feel obliged to accept this break up and maintain good relationship with him as cousin. somehow i dont think that i am strong enough to do it because my love for him is real and true…. plz help me… i feel like dying…

Hi Angel.

WOW.. that relationship sounds complicated!

You are in a very hard spot (not just your current pain. but the relationship as a whole). I was in a relationship where 50-80% of the time it was bad, as you say – fighting over dumb stuff, not repecting each other, having to hide our feelings, walking on egg-shells around the person for fear I would make them mad or angry or upset, etc. It was not good nor healthy.

There are sooo many nice people in this world Angel and you sound like one of those nice ones. Why should nice people spend so much of their physical and mental energies on people who are all about fighting and conflict and drama? It wears you down and will put you into an early grave. Nothing ages you quite as quickly as continual stress. So if HE is the one who causes all the drama then you need a break. If YOU are the drama queen.. then maybe he is wanting a break from all the action so he can heal.

Seriously.. take a break and figure out what is up. Talk to people that will be helpful to you OUTSIDE of the situation (like here or other friends who are more neutral and don’t hate nor love the guy). If you are the one causing all the ‘commotion’ then you will want to solve that before you get with someone (him or a new guy) otherwise your life will be mostly horrible. If it really IS the ex-bf (or soon to be ex) then you want to try to see why you might be attracted to him in the 1st place and if all the drama is part of that (maybe you crave action and excitement as your way to get attention!). And then decide if you want to go all drama with the next guy or find someone who will care about you enough to talk thru problems without tons of emotion spilling all over the place 24×7.

All relationships take work but if you can get one based on the KISS principle (Keep It So Simple) than you can have love and peace at the same time. Leave all the excitement for movies, TV shows and adventure filled dating activities. Life is action packed enough without manufacturing false drama and conflict. There are a bazillion people in this world and at least a mazillion of them are looking for a calm, mature relationship. Be or empower a calming relationship with someone else Angel. If you do, in a little while you will look back on this time as the ‘WAY TOO CRAZY FOR ANGEL TIME’ and you will be glad you left all the conflict behind.

I think you want hugs not hurtful words and hurtful actions to be part of your life. You can be one of these two:

Angel? Yeah.. I know her. That girl is always fighting and breaking up with that boyfriend of hers! That is so sad.

or

Angel? She is so sweet. And that man of hers is one amazing guy! I wish MY man treated me that well! I want what they got!!

The choice is up to you. Which do really want? Number 2 is scary right now, but if you hold on and try to reform someone else against their will or refuse to reform yourself (if you are the main cause). You will forever be stuck with a Number 1 sort of horrible life.

‘You have people’ and I can tell you true that your people would prefer to see and hang with a happy Angel. Imagine how much nicer life would be if you were happy most of the time. Imagine how much positive energy you would have. It would be amazing to see all that you could create!!

I wish I had the power to pick you up and put you on the other side of the planet with a group of calm folks for 60 days! But since I don’t you will have to pick yourself up and move to a place (figuratively speaking) where you can get your calm back. You are in open drama – open hostile mode right now. You need a break from the ‘war’.

There are a lot of tidbits here on this site about how to get that break from the warzone. If you need additional suggestions just ask!

Best of wishes. Please keep us all posted here to your progress.

-Jeff

dear Jeff, thanks for ur reply. Today i feel much better… No more waking up with tears stain on my face… But still, i can’t get rid of our memories… for these past few days i’ve been calling his mom just to ask about him. He said to his mom that he will contact me back after sometime and he did not intend to break up. He treated me like rubbish.. I’ve been begging to him and push down my ego.. Walk to class in tears… How can he said that he is just testing me? Don’t he ever think how hard it is to me… And how can someone who claimed that he loves u caused so much pain to u just to save his ego? And now i doubted whether his love is true. In 4 years of our relationship we have broke up more than five times over silly mistake. And the recent one because i don’t pick up his calls. He feels that we don’t have understanding. What hurt me the most that he did it via msg. He don’t even have the guts to tell me. I know the reason, someday he might want to come back to me as he always did… But this time i refused to let it happen again… It’s not that i don’t love him.. It’s because he caused me so much pain.. I don’t hate him either.. I still keep our pictures… I just tell myself that may be were not meant for each other… What i’m afraid of is that he will come back when i am +ve about life.. And he always know that i will not be able to resist him… This is how our relationship goes on for these 4 years.. I’m asking u guys how to stop this thing from happening again…

Eddie

I am having a really hard time dealing with my current situation. My girlfriend of 5 years told me she no longer wants to be with me and wants to start her life over. I am 23 years old and she will be 22 this June. I know we are young and there are plenty of other girls out there but I don’t want some other girl… I love her to death, and I care for her so much.

What I don’t understand is at the beginning of this year (2009) we were working on having a kid. We both thought the idea of a kid sounded so great and we acutely thought she was pregnant but it turned out that she had just skipped a month. After that happened she started questioning everything about our relationship, her life, what she wanted to do with her life… everything.

I just don’t understand what happened. We were so happy, we bought a house, we have 2 dogs together, we are so meshed in each others lives its not funny. She tells me she still loves me, how great of a guy I am, and that she cares so much for me but she just doesn’t see her self being happy with me anymore. I don’t understand how you can feel that way about someone and say “I don’t think I can be happy with you” to them.

Everything that can be done wrong at getting over a relationship has been done by me, I don’t eat anymore, I don’t sleep well, I don’t laugh, I don’t spend time with my family, I work go home and think about her… I think about her all the time. At this moment we are still together but she has let me know that this relationship is not what she wants and that she is not happy. I just cant bare to let her go, let her walk away from 5 years and not even try to work things out. She says there is nothing to work out and that she just doesn’t want to be in this relationship anymore, so I asked her “so your just going to go find some other Joe blow that doesn’t even lover or care for you the way I do and be with him?” she told me she didn’t want to be in any relationship and that there was nothing wrong with me and that she just wants to be on her own.

Like I said right now we are still together and still having wonderful sex together, hanging out watching movies, laughing… things a couple would do. She still tells me she loves me when I asked why she tells me that she replied “just because I don’t want to be in a relationship doesn’t me I don’t love you”. When I am with her I try to act like it doesn’t bother me but when I’m at work, I feel like I want to cry 24/7 just thinking about it, knowing that one day it will be over.

A lot of people told me I should tell her to move out of my house and try and move on. Its so hard though, I worry about where she would go, how she would be on her own, will she be able to make it on her own. Sometimes I think she doesn’t want to split up because of the things she says for example, the other night she told me “your suck with me” she has also made plans for us to do things in the future, also I asked her about getting another dog and she was like “probably in 5 years when one of our others die” last example is really silly but I figured I should tell you. The other night we just got done having sex and were laying in bed and she’s playing with my chest hair, I told her I was thinking about shaving it and she said “if you do, ill kill you, I love your chest hair” why would she say and do all this stuff if she really wanted to split up??

Tonight we are going to talk about options, not for the relationship but for the house. If were not going to be together there is not way either of us could pay for the house on our own, we purchased the house thinking we would be together forever, and we count on each others income. I know I will probably turn into a big pussy and cry my eyes out tonight… but I cant help it, its so hard, I love her SOOOOOO much, I cant let her go!!

Angel,

I hope you are doing better today. There will be good days and bad days. Like I said waaay above if you read my other posts.. you totally need to get ‘REBUILDING : When Your Relationship Ends.’. Find a deal on Amazon. It was one of the biggest things that helped me. I know you are busy with your studies but get it and commit to reading one chapter a day (or at least 1 every 2-3 days) and tell yourself: ‘I won’t see him or go back to him OR date someone new until I have made it through the book.’ Even if you only get halfway thru it you will see some things. It is like having a friend with you at night when things get tough that understands. The words are like totally written to and about Angel. This is no Bible or anything like that (that would be good to read too IMHO) but the authors are totally plugged into what you are going thru. If I could walk up to you and hand you a copy I would.

You asked us how to NOT go thru this again? Well.. my suggestion here is one way. And if you do get the book (and I hope you will) I will be happy to hear your comments and questions on each chapter you go thru if you have any.

I am not the author of it or get any money if you do get it, I am so positive about it since it really helped me get out of my jammed up, unheathly relationship with my ex-gf. It was nice to come back to my room and have that to open rather than my cell phone to call her. GET IT!

And.. speaking of calls..

Don’t!

Pull him and his mom, etc. out of your cell’s address book. Seriously. Get the book, stop making calls and get that good little head of yours clear!

Hope you have a great week or weekend or whatever it is when you next read here.

-Jeff

Russ,

One quick comment that I have here that might get me killed but I don’t mean to be mean. Sex clouds the head. IMHO that is why it is meant for a commited relationship (primarily marriage). When the two become one there is a bond. Marriage makes the commitment more permanent. Yeah yeah, divorces can be had, but it is not like you can get one overnight (well unless you fly to Vegas or Mexico I guess – just kidding!). But outside of this commitment (legal, moral, whatever) it is easier to walk away in the end.

BUT on the total flip side.. it makes it harder to walk away as well – even when you know you should. It is like your head knows it is not right and should be over, but your body is on the sex-drug.

I say all this to help explain to you why she might do as you said (threaten to kill you if you shave) when she also says she wants to break up and sell your home. Your ‘pair bonding’ is complete physically so she is having a hard time breaking up, but mentally, emotionally, spiritually and legally in the eyes of ‘God and man’ (so to speak) the commitment is NOT complete. If it were, there would not be this confusion for you and her. You both sound like very nice people and I am not trying to slap a moral judment on either of you. I am just telling you some stuff you won’t hear in most forums these days. It is not popular but I think it is true. When you bond and that is ripped away, it is like gluing two boards together and ripping them apart. There are little bits and pieces still stuck to each of you from the other person. It is best to bond on both the levels I mention above and have the added commitment to stay together and work on your love; date one another even after you are both old and gray, that sort of stuff. Sounds corny but you know it is what you want. Heck, we all do!

Have you two seen the new video release called ‘Fireproof’? I just saw that a week or so ago and thot: WOW! Every couple should see this! The girls wants OUT and the guy goes on this ‘love dare’ deal (even tho he is really mad at her and almost wants to let her go). It sorta sounds like it might fit your situation. I say run to the vid store and rent a copy. I’d loan ya mine but I already loaned mine out! Then report back here with what you thot. See if you can get her to agree to watch it with you OR at least to watch it (maybe you watch it 1st then give to her or rent two copies).

Hang in there buddy! I am pulling for you. We are all in this together!

-Jeff

It seems to me that everyone gets into this pattern of, well if if ended then that means you’re meant to be with someone else. But I don’t think a that all. Ther are people that are supposed to be together, and how can you not feel tortuous pain when it for some godforsaken reason you split. I was with my ex for 7 yrs. And we are better together than we will be with anyone else. There was something special about us, and everyone we know, friends, family, and even random strangers commented on it. Two weeks before she told me she wanted to separate, we spend New Years Eve together, and at the NY’s eve event we had no less than three random strangers walk up to us and comment on how we looked together. That has been a theme through out our relationship. Our values, goals, etc were in line with each other. Now we’re apart. I don’t get it. And I don’t get why I’m supposed to just believe that we can’t get back together, or that someone else is the one I’m actually supposed to be with. I don’t get why people insist that is the case.

@joe blessing –
I am in much the same boat as you. My finacee and I often got comments like this… People told us we were perfect together. And we, literally, had a relationship that made other people want to be like us. However, several times throughout our relationship, he had gone through a “distancing period” where he refused to answer my calls, considered breaking it off, etc. These were usually very short in duration and afterwards, we’d go through months of complete happiness… We were together nearly three years. He and his daughter lived with me.

I realized after talking to friends that there was something more to be said about those “distancing periods” that I wrote off as problems because of his previous divorce. He also would have consistent problems with jobs–would get into them all excited and then several months in want to quit because of the “problems” there.

I say this to point this out… I one hundred percent BELIEVED that this was THE guy. And when I tell you we were happy, I mean I felt like romantic comedies were based on me. I felt lucky every day. He didn’t abuse me, he didn’t ignore me (except during weird times). Mostly, he was always helpful, loving and supportive. Our goals, etc. (with the exception of him not settling on a career) were in line, as were yours. I went through a stressful period at work (I was working while he was in school and was afraid of losing my job)… That resulted in the beginning of another distancing period. And then, long story short, he left.

My friends recently pointed out that because we were blissfully happy 80 percent of the time, I wasn’t connecting some of the other pieces. Instead, I assumed that he was in the same emotional place as I was. It is clear to me now that that was not the case. Otherwise, he would NOT have done something I wouldn’t have dreamed of–by that I mean moving out. If he were in the same place as me, he would have stayed with me. I’d be willing to bet that if your gf was in the same place as you–she wouldn’t have left.

It’s not that breaking up means there is someone else… It is that it is comforting to know that there IS! It isn’t you who ended the relationship and therefore it’s probable that you’re not going to be able to fix it either (unless she comes back with some reasonable request like “can we go to counseling to communicate better” for example). After my ex moved out, I extended an offer to chat/ work it out b/c I think we are great together… And he declined. Case closed. Whatever was there for me and I thought was there for him, wasn’t equal on both sides, changed or he met someone else.

I believe you when you say you were great! Because we were to. I felt compelled to let you know that you’re NOT alone in that thought. But that, honestly, means you have a lot to give someone else. Someone who will not leave you the way that she did. If you hold out hope that you will get back together and she’s not giving you cues that you will… Then you are giving her power in your life that she doesn’t deserve!!! Your life is about you and you being a whole person without her. Look back over the relationship and pick out less-than-perfect behaviors she may have exhibited. I promise they are there. I made a list. I remind myself of that each time I feel bewildered.

Jeff,

Thanks for the reply, I know sex can cloud the mind, but I don’t think it does it our case. Not saying that your wrong or anything, but were just two people that love to have sex… If we were making love, I think it would be a different story.

We have started sleeping in other rooms, its killing me to live in the same house with her and not sleep with her. I just really enjoy holding her, she gets really cold really easy and I’m like a personal heater, so when I hug her why she is cold, she grabs on tight and doesn’t let go.

Now I know I shouldn’t be asking her to take me back, or asking for 1 last chance… but I cant help it, I love her so much… all I want to do is be with her. I try to see a life for myself without her in it, and its blank… she said its because I don’t want to see the great life I could have without her and that all I want to see is a life with us.

The other day I told her how she made me feel when we first met. I truly think she is my one and only true love in life so far. I have had other relationships but none of them girls made me feel the way she did. I was obsessed with her, I used to wait by the phone for her to call when she got off work, I used to get sweaty palms every time I knew we were going to hang out. When I first asked her to come over and meet my parents at a cookout we were having I was so scared, scared that she would be chased away by my crazy family, lol, I know its silly, but no other girl has ever made me feel the way she has. The first time she told me “I think I’m falling in love with you.” Was the best day of my life. I was so excited, all I could do is cry, and hug her when she told me… I of course told her I was falling for her too.

We were working on a family, having a kid, talking about getting married, we bought each other wedding rings… the whole 9 yards. We did it all, we don’t argue, we don’t yell at each other, we have a great friendship, she can tell me anything and I can tell her anything, I don’t understand where things went south.

I truly believe we were meant to be together but she feels like there is someone else out there that she is supposed to be with, she told me she feels there is one person on this planet that we are supposed to find a be with and that she didn’t think I was the person she was supposed to spend the rest of her life with.

She told me not to take it in a bad way, but she said she is happy here, and that she could be happy with me, well she didn’t use the word happy she said “content” but she told me if she did that, she would feel like she is settling for something she doesn’t want, something that’s not supposed to be.

Jeff,

I did pick up the movie “fireproof” i even bought the book “the love dare” i have yet to receive them in the mail, but when i do we are going to watch the movie and read the book… your not the only person that has recommended that movie to me. Thanks again Jeff, you have been a big help.

@KAT –
Thank you for your reply. It gives me a lot to think about. I did write some red flags in my blog, that I thought were maybe things that I did not pay attention to, that I should have maybe. But, like you, because we were so great, it has been hard to give those things the weight that would make me say, I’m better off. I think what your friends said to you, may indeed apply to me as well. Which makes me feel all the more bad, because we both know that will a little more commitment or work, it would have been grand.

@Russ –

I have played around with idea of sending the movie to my ex in the mail.

@joe blessing –

I don’t disagree… I sometimes get depressed when I think that with a little more work, it would have worked.

But I keep reminding myself that that is MY view. Not his view. And I don’t think you can love someone enough to give them that kind of want, so to speak. At some point, whether it’s emotional, financial, physical… Relationships are made for two. And one can’t give the other the “oompf” to step it up and make it happen, no matter how much that one might want it.

I broke my no contact rule this weekend and I feel that much more weird now. Not good, not bad. Just strange. He left some things at my house that I probably should have tossed but didn’t and decided to message him about. He was VERY nice about it. And I immediately regretted it because he can be nice all he wants… But that doesn’t give him the desire to make it work!!

I’m going to mail his stuff instead of contacting him again with an option of responding. Break ups suck. And they suck even more when the relationship was largely very good!

@KAT –

I know what you mean. I sent my ex a B-day card this past week. I did not make it super sweet or anything, no I love you’s or miss you. Just happy birthday, and a $2 gift that was inside joke between us. Her response was, “That was really sweet.” I hate those words. I still want her back, but will stay in the background. Hopefully, she begin to miss what we had, open the lines a bit more. She would take my calls, but beyond that I don’t know. Not sure how can or will proceed. I feel like I’m stuck where I am.

UGH, bad news… but it may not be over.

Saturday morning my ex and I had a talk, she told me she was tired of lying to me and said I needed to know the truth. She told me things I didn’t really want to hear but I think we may be able to work on things.

Well ill try to make this long story short but I’m not sure if I can do it. Before we got together she was dating this guy she worked with, they were more “friends that had sex”. Well when her and I started talking this made him really mad because she wanted to be with me and we were together which meant no more sex for him, and she kind of just wrote him out of her life because he was always trying to break us up and get with her.

For 4 years things have been great, and then she gets a new job where her brother works well said guy also works there. I didn’t want her to take the job at the time because I figured he would be back to his old game. She reassured me that she loved me and wanted to be with me and not to worry about it and that she wouldn’t talk to him. So for our sake I dropped it, just like she had asked. Well after thinking she was pregnant and finding out she wasn’t she started questioning everything about her life and where she should be at, who she should be with, if she really loved me… stuff like that.

Well come to find out when her desk moved down to the 3rd floor in their building he sat pretty close to her and they started talking as friends and stuff… she never told me, she was trying to hide it but I felt that something was up and seen some emails they had been sending each other, nothing bad, just friend stuff… anyways, she told me Saturday morning that the spark she once had for me was gone, and the passion she once had for me wasn’t there anymore, but she did feel the passion for him. She said she loves me and wants to be with me, but at the time she “wanted” him. She said she wants to feel for me the way she used to when I would rub her back, or kiss her on her neck… I did find out that they kissed and she said it was a very passionate kiss… But she said after the kiss, she doesn’t feel that way for him anymore, she said she hasn’t talked to him since that night. She said she wants very much for our relationship to work out, because we are great together, we understand each other, but its just missing that passion. I told her if it was truly there before, then I was sure we could get it back. She said when I used to touch her back or kiss on her neck it used to send a fire through her body that made her want to throw me down on the ground and take me right there… now she says its just me rubbing her back, or kissing on her neck and that fire is no longer there. Like someone hit her off switch and hasn’t turned it back on.

We haven’t had sex In over a week (that’s a long time for us) she said she just is not in the mood, I asked if it was just me that she didn’t want to have sex with or what? She told me, its not you, I just haven’t been in the mood, I don’t feel right. I don’t want to have sex with anyone. I also asked her if they had sex, she swears on everything that the last time they had sex was about 5 years ago and nothing more than a kiss happened when she was with him the other night. I feel really upset about it, but I don’t think I can be upset, were still “broken up”. At one point she told me I should go have sex with other girls and that it would probably help me get over her. I never did though.

These are all great comments/observations folks. Yes.. it is hard.. yes it will take time..

Welcome to LIFE ON MARS!

Life on Mars is strange, sometime very cold and very lonely. It is a new way of life. It sounds like SOME of the relationships described here (above) should work out! Each is (was) so very completely connected. But something happened, there was a ‘crash’, some horrible life altering accident. Some of us saw it coming afar off, others of us woke up in a comma and found the other person not at our hospital bedside, but gone. Where did they go and why?

Life on Mars is very different from the way it was on Earth. It almost seems like an out-of-body experience doesn’t it? We are on a different planet now, a new plane of existence it seems. But wait.. my job is still there, and my family and friends are too.. but my love has changed.. they (he or she) may still even be around, but they are a ghost of their former self. Alien. Welcome to Mars. You know you are on Mars because everything feels so utterly strange. I live on Mars myself and it seems strange to me.

Some of us MAY find our way back to Earth. At this point in the pain each of us desperately want, NEED to ‘find our way back home’. When does the next rocket leave for old Blue? However many, if not most, will warm to the new glow of the life on Red, and in time Mars will become our home. And many will stay on Mars and be content there as they become accustomed to the change in atmosphere. And many more here, after they have been here a while, will find others who have been swept to Mars (or may just be visiting tourists) and find new love on the red planet. These will one day awake anew to discover that red has become blue and now they have found their home back on Earth.

Just a bit of creative writing to put a new spin on the oddities of this crazy journey we call life and love. There are lots of people who find themselves on Mars, some are just folks that have never found their own ‘true blue’. There may be other fish in the sea, but on Mars, there are a lot of new friends to be made. If it is time go to Mars and have a look around. Shoot, you may already BE on Mars and did not even know it. Take your rest, wander the lonely landscapes, reconnect with the real you. Clear your head in the lighter levels of oxygen. Avoid falling into the cracks and avoid the duststorms of depression. Climb the ancient volcanoes and ascent to a new life, a new light. Then, and only then, come down and look around. You may find others whom are also descending next to you. Find someone who has been on just such a journey and I guarantee that in THIS person, you will find someone who may be THAT person who will last a lifetime. Avoid the journey, curse the harsh Life on Mars, and short-circuit it to find someone else damaged back here on Terra Firma, and you will most certainly find yourself back on Mars in a few short months or years. Make this journey once, but make it right, and the rewards could rocket you to lifetime of lasting happiness and contentment!

Good luck fellow travelors!

-Jeff

@Eddie Corbano – i have broken the no contact rule again ..i have been successful in the past few months,i never contacted him since we broke up..but the problem is,he is the one calling me and i find it so hard to not answer his calls.i want to but i cant resist the chance of hearing his voice again…i want to get over him totally but his calls are the reason that i cant.i wish i can find the courage to reject his calls.

@Eddie Corbano –

I hear that, but gotta ask. I still don’t see how NC helps you with reconcillation. Out of site, out of mind. It seems the break advice in this regard is always the same, and seems a bit fatalistic. Even if a person has no shot at gettng thier ex, if they want to try, I don’t see how 2 yrs of NC is gonna do anything.

In my own case, I did as a step to reconciliation at some point. I know for certain that the love she felt for me is still in her, but its buried beneath fear, bad advice, maybe even immaturity. Who knows, but if we get to the point where we are around each other, the connection will re-connect. I know all people in my situation think that, but it is true for many people as well. Does not mean it will happen. It might not. I’ll see. As it is now, I will plan on being very low key, though the patience of the idea is killing me. I’m not a patient guy. I pick a target in life, and move straight toward it.

@joe blessing –
ICK. Those are really awful words because they’re probably not the words you’re used to hearing of her mouth. It made me think of this tiny similar thing… My ex lived in my house with me and his daughter. We had a dog together. When he moved, he took only the top things he wanted (after three years I received only a few text messages blaming it on me and telling me he was moving out… While I was away for the weekend trying to figure out how to handle his distant and strange behavior… BUT anywho)… We had a dog together that he now wants nothing to do with. In one of this final messages he said “Take care of ‘little’ Fido.” “Little Fido?” I felt like I never knew him. Same as “That’s sweet.” Ick.

NO CONTACT is the way to avoid hearing those phrases that make the ex seem like an alien! I’m convinced!

@KAT – Kat_ i know how you feel. For four years i was blissfully in love and I thought we both were, he still says he was. We rarely fought had lots of fun. But when we started planning a wedding things went bad, i guess its something he hadnt truly thought about and hid his feelings oh and the fact that he was talking to another girl from me. So three months before the wedding he tells me he cant. Yes breakups really suck especially when your ex is out dating a woman 15yrs older with kids, (my ex is 23 she is 38) all the while telling me to work on my issues so that later on in the future we can be together cuz he loves me but this isnt the right time for us. I call him constanly just to talk to him we lived together for four years! I dont understand what happened. Iam never dating a guy younger than me,I am three yrs older than he. I have tried the no contact rule and Iam fine for like one day then the urge to talk to him comes and it consumes me and its all i can think about then I call him. Ill call him when I know hes home at like 1 or 2 in the morning, i dont stay ,up its when I wake up in the middle of the night and I call him. I want to be happy I want to move on its just so incredibly hard! I feel like my family is getting annoyed with my constant crying and talking and analyzing, i want to stop i really do iam so sick of this!!!

Cindy.. when the other person is telling you it is YOU and that YOU need to work on this or that so MAYBE by some impossible miracle you can one day be together.. well, don’t believe it. My ex did that and it is crazy. If he/she really wants to work things out they will NOT say these things.. will NOT see other people and will NOT put you thru all this pain, where you are going crazy and driving your family nuts! Yes.. couple have trials from time to time, but this is not some simple argument or disagreement – you have broken up.

I think you and KAT are finally opening your eyes to who your ex’s really are OR whom they have become now.

You ladies both seem very nice. Hold fast to the NC, hang out with your fam and girlfriends, catch up on your TV shows and reading and other hobbies. Keep busy and push those mean old EXs out! Deal with the hurt (don’t ignore it or cover it) but share it here and in limited fashion with people around you.

If you give it some time you will get better. It you keep pulling the wound back and looking under the scab, you will only feel pain and slow the healing. It is all logical but since we are hurting, we get really focused on our wounds.

Take some time, don’t rebound with someone else. If you can keep up with the NC and self improving for at least 3 months straight, chances are good you could make it to 6 months. Then after that, you will be home free! And in a year you may actually be someone who can be with someone else without driving them crazy over your feelings for your EX. If you don’t put this time into it up front, A) your EX won’t take you back anyway and B) you will drive a new person crazy and C) rinse repeat – you will have a new EX.

This is not gloom and doom, it is the the dark reality of your new life (on mars!). If you do it well however, it will be dark but then you will see LIGHT breaking on the dawn!

I feel in love with an amazing guy in college, and our relationship lasted about 7 years (on and off). We had our issues – cultural differences, fights about things that were said or done, jealousy issues, etc. but we did both realize that we were really truly in love, and one way or the other, we made it work out. I may be biased in saying this, but I think I put in more of the effort than he did, but we still had an undeniable attraction in many ways.
There came a point when we realized we were up on different pages – I wanted to move forward, figure out if this was going to move to marriage, while he was still looking for what made him happy in life.. and he started straying.

long story short, i ended it for the final time about 6 months ago. and every day has been very hard… I would still talk to him and see him once a week or so – just to catch up – but it brought back too many feelings of attachment. I finally stopped seeing him for good, and talking to him on the phone. but we were still exchanging texts and emails every couple weeks or so…

its been tough to not respond, but i’ve come to the realization that the more i let him back into my life, the more he will be controlling my emotions. I am trying my hardest to keep myself busy at work, find new hobbies, make new friends.

I think what has helped me the most if to write out my thoughts in emails and texts, say everything ive wanted to say to him, about the things he did to mess up our relationship, about the anger and sadness i feel from losing him, and then i save the emails until i calm down from the emotional roller coaster and can go back and delete them. Its more the act of being able to write down everything that i’m thinking that has helped, because I know that if i sent the emails, it wont do anything to change the situation.

i’ve also tried to branch out of my usual set of friends (which we had in common) and hang out with more single friends so that im not always around couples or with grilfriends who want to talk about relationship issues.. plus hanging out with other singles just makes it easier to find the next relationship

from what everyone keeps telling me – i guess it just takes a lot of letting go to heal – esp when your relationship was at the stage of marriage or if you were already married – there are so many comforts that you miss that make you want to go running back.

ive started to let go of the woulda coulda shouldas of the past and started to think about what i want to do differently in my future relationships…to everyone who’s going through the heartache – i wish you luck and just remember… if the person you love(d) couldnt love you back the same way.. its time to find someone who can!

thanks for reading

@Jeff –

I just wanted to say… You’re right about opening your eyes to who a person really is. In all truthfulness, I don’t know that my ex changed all that much… Except to say that the more that I put up with in terms of his starting one thing and backing out or my paying for things or my not expecting him to always hold up on his end, etc, the more he backed out of! I think it took a long time for my personal limit to be reached–that’s the only thing that has changed. He moved out and told me via text but I gave him the ultimatum to step up or get out… I only questioned him about his choice once.

And I’m absolutely sticking to the no contact! We haven’t had any tearful phone calls or drawn out conversations. We made no plans to “keep in touch.” I personally feel like keeping in touch only keeps you from shutting the door, as hard as shutting it is. Only communication between us was when and where he was the gather his things (that’s unfortunately necessary when you live together)…

There are minutes or hours that NC is VERY hard–but I have lists up everywhere of the reasons that I am happier now, I text a friend about getting together for coffee or I type him an email THAT I DO NOT SEND. I immediately redirect my thouoghts to associate the break up with new happiness and I am finding that now I feel happy when I realize I am no longer with him. I also mentally went through the friends we shared and his family I was close to and sent them all “Thank you, I enjoyed what we shared but we cannot keep in touch” letters. This closure and space has allowed me to realize I gave him three great years and left it all out on the field, so to speak. It was a beautiful time in my life that allowed me to learn and grow quite a bit. It’s one month this week and I honestly feel better than I have in YEARS (long before I met him). I don’t know if any of these tips above will help anyone who has been reading, but it has all helped me alot!

Closure isn’t something our exes give us. It is a gift we give ourselves because we deserve it!