Time heals all wounds.
At least, that's what they tell you when you mention that you've been dumped recently (along with giving you that look).
But, does time really heal the wound brought to you by a breakup or divorce?
I think that this is a common misunderstanding.
Time would not heal anything if it didn't force you to go through a certain process.
Time is the medium; you do the healing.
Time does heal to a certain degree, but the wounds are not healed adequately, let alone completely if you don't contribute anything to the healing process yourself.
Time makes you forget, but your problems are still there. Hidden, but present.
Conscious Healing
Is a break up painful? I know it is.
Are you amplifying your pain by improper behavior? Well, let's see.
For efficient and in-depth healing you have to take a “conscious healing” approach.
That's what I am teaching in my coaching.
Someone said to me lately that she is doing nothing special to overcome her divorce. Just waiting for time to heal it.
What could she do about it anyway?
There are a lot of things you could do to start the “conscious healing.”
A conscious healing approach means that you have to make efforts, like do exercises and shift your state of mind, as opposed to doing nothing, letting the time to work for you.
Before you start with exercises because you don't feel like you need to at the beginning, why not change the few things that directly influence your wellbeing in a negative way?
Why is your Break-Up or Divorce killing you?
There is a typical behavior pattern that you see over and over again. People are so overwhelmed by their pain (particularly in the beginning of the break up), that they willingly or unwillingly, drift into certain manners.
What are these manners and how are they contributing to your pain?
Please read on.
7 Ways you are Amplifying your Pain
Listed below are the main reasons why people are suffering from a relationship break up more than they should in the first months.
This, of course, also implies that when you stop doing these certain things, you will feel much better.
You could call this “indirect healing,” because it doesn't take a direct initiative, just a change in thinking.
This is much easier, as the first phases of a breakup are characterized by a paralyzing lethargy.
(MORE: The 7 New Stages of Grief After a Breakup)
Sounds good?
So, let's start:
1. Neglecting the Body's Needs
I know you don't feel like eating (or some of you eat way too much).
I know you don't want to go jogging. But believe me, you make it worse if you neglect the simple needs of your body.
If you are not a friend of healthy cuisine, try at the least to maintain your eating habits that you've had before your break up or divorce.
Never stop working out, jogging or taking part in the sports you used to do.
If you suffer from mental pain, there is no reason to carry it over to your body.
2. Continual Mental Reasoning
I know that you rethink the past events over and over again.
It's almost like a compulsion. You think that maybe you were missing something and if you relive the breakup, then it would make sense eventually.
You have to realize one thing: It is not your obligation to suffer!
This vicious cycle of thought is one of the main reasons for your suffering. You must break out of it.
Distraction and mental-control through meditation are the keys to getting over this blocker.
3. Isolation
Never isolate yourself for better suffering.
Call all your friends, make appointments, so that you don't have to spend a minute alone. Go sporting, go on vacation, meet people.
Action is the key.
Isolation gives you time to think. Thinking is bad for you now.
4. Trying to Get Your Ex Back
Hope is a very dangerous thing. At least in a breakup.
There are no rules whether it is possible to get your Ex back or not.
But I strongly advise you to accept the fact that the relationship is over, rather than to try to get back your Ex despairingly.
If you really want to get your Ex back (chances are that you will not with time), then your odds will be much higher when you become a stable personality again.
5. High Ex-Attachment
It is very important that you clean up your place from all the things which remind you of your Ex.
Put all the photos, CDs, letters, gifts in a big box and hide it in the cellar. Don't throw it away; you might regret this one day.
I cannot emphasize the importance of this enough.
Another very vital factor to your healing is the no-contact rule.
Once you know that it's over and there is no more business you have to do regarding the divorce or break up, you should cut off the contact to your Ex completely.
No phone calls, no e-mails, no text messages. Don't go to the places you could meet accidentally.
Believe me, it's for your own good, and this is the only way.
6. Taking No Charge
You have to realize, especially at the beginning, that it's yourself who is responsible for your healing and happiness.
Your Ex does not cause your pain, you do it to yourself with the mindset that you need your Ex to be happy.
Your Ex is not responsible for your happiness!
If you consciously take charge and realize that it's only you who can make a change, then you've made the first step towards a happier life.
7. Self-Punishment
There is something I regularly observe when working with clients:
Most break-up victims have an affinity for suffering, a self-induced compulsion to feel the pain.
It is almost like “Oh, this is a breakup, so I have an obligation to suffer!”.
Trying to break out of this mindset is not easy and causes feelings of guilt. This is the vicious cycle mentioned in no. 2.
Simply resist the compulsion to listen to “your song,” to look at mutual photos, to watch those heart-killing movies, to talk to or stalk your Ex.
Do not torture yourself. Resist!
I know that you may think that these things are your last connection to your Ex, but believe me when I say: all they cause is pain.
You have a right to be free and feel good. It's your choice.
Conclusion
The first months of a breakup or divorce are tough. There is no motivation for doing anything, not to mention working on self-improvement.
The knowledge of certain behavior patterns which cause pain comes in handy.
Avoiding these mistakes cuts off a good part of your arduous journey which lies ahead.
Then you will gain the power to take the “conscious healing” approach and not only survive your break up but gain so much more.
That is the prize which makes all the suffering worthwhile.
Your friend,
Eddie
@Werewolf – thank you so much for your kind advice. i seriously read it over a few days later because it’s hard for me to train my mind, you know? i woke up today missing her a lot. i was agonizing over why she doesn’t call me (even though she promised to keep in touch– last time i chatted with her on IM’s i asked why she hasn’t called and she made some shallow excuse “oh i was sick and then i was busy, sure ill call”).
it’s reassuring to hear that others have been through this and that it took you a long time to get over yours. i often feel like a fool because i know she’s over it and perhaps dating (?), and i’ve gotten over other relationships so much quicker (i got out of an 8 year relationship 2 years ago and was over that in a jiffy!), but something about the manipulation and lack of fair closure in this one keeps me ruminating and feeling like it’s my fault. i know, when it comes down to it, i need to heal on my own terms because it’s all about me now… but that’s hard to take and not be hard on myself. i’ve even started anti-depressants, which i know isn’t always recommended… but i can’t go on like this!
anyways, yes you are right, she was diagnosed as bi polar, but this happened when she was in drug rehab. still, she wasn’t seeking counseling when we were dating and had weened herself off of her medication a year before we met, without the help of a doctor. funny, another person i dated was bipolar (my 8 year relationship), so i am beginning to think that my filters for irregular behavior really aren’t as sharp as they should be. it’s really hard to re-train you mind, though. i wonder if this hot/cold behavior is part of being bipolar?
again, thanks for taking the time to read and write… still healing, but it’s definitely helpful.
@lee – Lee, listen man, i am sorry. i have been in a very similar situation with a woman i loved more than anyone i ever met. In short, she was pushing me pulling me, wanting me, yelling at me, needing me, hurting me. Oh lord honestly i didnt see the true woman i had dated for so long until a full year had passed and the veil of fog slowly lifted from my eyes. clarity truly takes its time to set in. Lee, its as if she is the sun and your one of her planets revolving orbiting her. At times she pulls you into mercury’s close, proximate orbit, at others she shoves you into the cold far reaches of neptunes lonely oceans of ice, the sun a distant light on your horizon.
Lee she is very controlling and manipulative and your reassurance of her perpetuates the malady. I was so weak and wimpy to my ex’ she had complete dominion over my thought process and problem solving. I basically always compromised and made in roads so as to keep the peace and remain in her sunshine. I really dont like saying this but you have to let her go. She will be on your heart and mind to much, heartbreak is literally a form of madness; your suffereing already is testament to such. There is no other choice, you suffering on your cross means nothing to her until she needs your reassurance in something in her life. the problem is there is no reciprocity from your ex. and she is narcissistic and possibly a little bi-polar. it seems challenges run in her family and the apple may not be far from the family tree. I wouldnt doubt if her mother has been battling manic depression either.
The best you can do is realize this an inadvertent blessing. Imagine marrying that?!!? imagine the misery that you would have to manage in the name of “love”! Its not love, its a hard life lesson. A farmer NEVER sows seeds on barren soil. You must realize this. as far as support i buy self help books from amazon and talk to my mother constantly. My friends are well intentioned but not cutting it. they mean well but cut them slack cus they simply do not understand. Your a young man with a brilliant education, you have no idea how desired that is amongst those that are looking for that. It will be very hard, but you have to pick up, create a strong friend in your head that will literally pick you up through the hard times and comfort you. Id also pray. it is very beneficial. The doom and haze will eventually yield though slowly. You will be happy and you will find a great love, and when you look back you’;ll be proud of the strength you had to create in the hardest times of your life. That is a strength that will always be with and a gift for others you’ll see someday go through similar situations.
Lee- i wish you peace of mind, strength in heart and mind and humor to get you through your hurt. You will make it. Someone needs your love desperately out there, and will return the favor.
-werewolf
Me and my boyfriend of over a year and a half broke up about a month and a half ago. I dumped him. I dumped him at the time because of my friends and families comments on how he didnt treat me right but also because i was insecure ofwhether or not he really cared about me. I thought that if he really cared he would protest the break up and tell me how much i meant to him. But i was wrong. All he said to me was k and i didnot hear from him for a week or so later on i recieved a text from him that said fuck you bitch i hope you hve a nice life slut an he left a box that i made him full of everything from our relationship. It broke my heart. The reasn why he did this was because he found out me and one of y past exes had been talking again.
I know that is probably wrong on my part but i was hurt by this ending just like he was and my ex was their for me.
My boyfriend(ex) has hooked up with other people to so i didnt ee this as being tat bad. i continued to try to talk to him about us and he ignored me part of the time or mocked me.
These actions he has done after our breakup have hurt me to the point where i dont want to fix things like i did before.
My ex from the past wants to begin a relationship with me and this is way too fast for me but i do truly have feelings for him so i could use some advice on that.
but alsomy ex recently started talking to me again apoligsing for the rude things he has done to me and that he wants to be friends but i dont see how that ispossible after all he has done to hurt me, it would be nice to have some advice on this if anyone has any.
Erika you sound like a confused needy woman. You ended a relationship, got together with a ex and then your dumped boyfriend apologises and so on and so on. Give men a break altogether for a while until you really know what and who you want.
Your website is great. I am appreciating all of the advice. I am trying to follow it but still having trouble.
I’ve been going through a rough time and can’t seem to get back on track. My girlfriend and i were together for a little over 6 months, starting last February. in the beginning of the relationship, she was super intense. she told me she loved me a month after dating and said she wanted to move in together, to wake up together every day. we had similar goals, which was a first for me. we both want to settle and want kids. i’m normally very cautious in relationships though. she pressured me to move away with her in august when her lease was going to be up. we were in love, but this all seemed to come fast. i told her let’s see how things go. i was graduating from grad school in may and ready to relocate, myself.
the summer went by and our relationship was loving as ever. but in june, she started feeling guilty because her mom was drinking a lot and depressed back home, 2000 miles away. she became depressed and worried, feeling like she should go live at home and help her mom. she’s 31, by the way… i never took this too seriously– it seemed like an extreme measure. a little background on my girlfiend–she is three years sober after a 14 year problem with drinking and cocaine. i was worried about her putting herself in this situation with her mom!
in july we drove out in my car to visit her family and go to her friends wedding. her family situation was indeed disfunctional. it didn’t seem like she could help. but, two days after we got back home from our long trip, she announced to me that she’d put in for a transfer with her job and would be moving home to take care of her mother. she would not say what she wanted with the relationship. she didn’t want to break up and would “always love me” but basically would not have the conversation about our next steps.
my lease ran out and i had to stay with family. my girlfriend invited me to live with her for her last month in town, but i was hesitant. what would that be like, living with her and then having her leave? it didn’t seem to phase her at all! instead of fully moving in, i ended up crashing with her 4 days a week, then with my mother the other three.
all month i struggled to have a conversation with her about our future. when things were fine, they were great, but when i brought up talking about our relationship, she would get volatile. she’d raise her voice, grow angry, shut down. it was a side of her i’d never seen. she called me on one of our off days and threatened to not see me anymore if i brought up the relationship the following weekend, but we still had not reached any sort of decision. two weeks later, i was house sitting for a friend, tried to have a talk with her, and she walked out on me and i didn’t hear from her for two days! she said she couldn’t handle the stress of talking about our relationship.
we explored ideas of breaking up, me moving with her (she said she didn’t want me to because she wanted time to focus on her mother and didn’t want to take out the stress on me). i finally decided to move cross country to california because i wasn’t getting anywhere with her. she wanted to move there too and said she might after a few months. we decided to keep in touch and see each other in october, when hopefully she’d know better what her plan was. but, she never got the time off from work or got her plane ticket. she made excuses because it was a new office and she didn’t want to step on toes…
i helped her move and saw her off on her last day. i took a plane to CA a few days later, to try to find work and a home. i got a few calls from my girlfriend in the first few days saying that she loved me and missed me. we planned to talk on web cam once she was set up at her mom’s and she was still planning to get her plane ticket.
unfortunately, i totally broke down after my third day in CA. i was in a new place, hardly knew anyone, and the economy was bad. i felt like i’d made the wrong decision. i felt more depressed and panicked than i had in ages. i called friends for support, and called my girlfriend. she was rude with me. she told me she’d bought a $500 mattress for her room at her mom’s and i asked her if the investment meant she’d decided to stay long term. she blew up at me, saying it was none of my business and said she’d call later. i didn’t hear from her for two days, until she called one night to “see how i was”. she was condescending about my sadness and said she needed space. don’t call her, it’s nothing personal, etc. the next day she deleted our relationship on the social networking site. i called her even though i wasnt “supposed to” to ask her about it and she blew up at me. she put all the blame on me, saying she thought she could keep in touch, but it was my fault that she couldn’t and that she’d said all along that she couldn’t do long distance.
she hung up on me. i didnt hear from her for a week and didn’t call after the volatile conversation, at which time i got an email in response to a postcard i’d sent before our last conversation. she said the postcard was “sweet” and that she missed me and hoped i was finding everything i wanted. she said she’d love me always and hoped we could be friends and forgive each other someday. so that was it–as if it was final and she was taking no responsibility.
i called her twice in the next month and didn’t leave a message. i figured if i got her on the phone it was meant to be, if not then it wasn’t. i was a little hesitant about calling her, honestly, but felt i needed to have some closure. noticing she missed a call from me, she called back. the first time we talked, she still raised her voice over mine and said that we “Werent blaming anyone” and that she’d take responsiblity for nothing but moving away. i told her that she was volatile and rageful with me and i didn’t deserve to be treated that way, so i agreed we should break up. she wouldn’t let me talk much more and put down most of my feedback, so i was forced to have a cordial conversation with her and go. she promised to keep in touch via email or phone.
it was still bothering me, so two weeks later i tried again. when she called back, i asked her why she broke up with me and she said “it’s only the distance”. i asked if it was because i was depressed and she said no. i said that i don’t feel like she’s giving me the real reason and she condescendingly said “that’s bc you are depressed, things don’t make sense when you are depressed”. she quickly said she had to go and would not talk more.
it’s been a month since we talked on the phone (not counting one im conversation). i feel like a fool because i’m not over it. here’s someone who i felt i’d spend my life with but instead it was a quick whirlwind of distress and blame. i know i deserve better, but for some reason cannot let go. every morning i have troubled dreams about her while i’m half asleep and every day i work toward feeling better. my family and friends think i should be over it by now (it’s been almost two months), but i’m not and i’m so hard on myself about that.
she im’d me last week and i was unhappy with the shallow conversation, so i’ve blocked her from all of my im programs. i received a text from her two weeks ago but didn’t answer and deleted her from my phone so i wouldn’t be tempted to call again. we are still “friends” on the social networking site. i’m reluctant to delete her from that. perhaps because it’s our last connection and perhaps because we are both over 30 and that seems so teenaged.
i am back in our home city with my friends, but still without an apartment or job. i feel this is a lot of the reason i’m still holding on to the failed relationship.. i’m working on getting work and a home set up. my dreams to move to CA are put off for now, which i’m sad about, but i feel l can’t handle being in a new place and feeling so depressed. at least where i am now i have friends and family for support.
My Girlfriend and I broke up less than a week ago – I am not taking this well ! She told me Im not the guy she wants to spend her rest of her life with ! ! But I know she is just saying that because it has happed 3 times in the last year and we get back together, as soon as we get back together she tells me she missed me and she was happy I was back in her arms. Unfortunally, everytime she shuts down and dont want to talk! I have been faithful 100%, cook her dinner, send her Gifts and Roses, she tells me even after each break up that I am way to nice We never had a fight in the 2.5 years we dated, we always spent times together. She just recently started a new career and she has been under alot of stress! I been there for her, just last week she told me she was thankful I was being there for her, she hugged me and told me she love me.
I guess, I am more confussed than hurt, dont understand why she shuts down….when I ask her she tells me thats what she does ! I dont believe thats healthy for her or me. I know I made I huge mistake today, while she was at work, I took a dozen Roses, A Card and had Dinner for her on her front step……She has not called me yet and I dont know if she will. By the way, the dinner was left on a ice chest with Ice (Sushi) we both hated Sushi until we once decided to try it !
Our sex life went down the hill, she even told me two weeks ago that she felt bad because she wasn’t making love to me as much as I would want….I told her I wasn’t in this relationship because of sex……..I know Sex its important in a relationship, but I love her for what she is and not for what I can get from her.
I know she will miss all the things I did for her!
Im just confussed !
@Susan –
Susan – I’m really sorry to hear about all the stress and difficulties you’ve been having. It’s important that you look after yourself though, even if that’s without him. Ask yourself honesty if your life is more balanced without him. Also have a Google for codependency. Good luck, Peter.
@Nate – I see a lot of guilt and self-blame in your note, even a sense that you’re now being justly punished and should hang in there out of a sense of duty, as much as love.
In a sense, what you did in the past doesn’t matter. What’s important is the here and now. You changed, you were ready to commit, and your girlfriend, for whatever reason, was still uncomfortable. You did all you could. She still chose otherwise.
I don’t think you should fight for her. I do think you should make it plain to her that you care for her still, but that you respect her decision. I repeat: Let her know that you accept the breakup.
Do not call her or repeatedly contact her. Let her know that you accept the end of your relationship and wish her the best. Tell her that you’re also looking forward to some wonderful changes in your life.
If she has any interest in your whatsoever, that statement alone will get her attention. If she’s gaming you, then she’ll realize that she really could lose you and come back. If she’s sincere about wanting to be free, then she’ll have to appreciate your respectful acceptance of her decision.
Either way you win.
@Alexandra – I feel for you, but I think you’re fighting your own instincts and prolonging your own pain. Your instincts and common sense say that it isn’t possible to love someone and put you through what he’s putting you through. You’re right. Your confusion is the result of your unwilliingness to believe your own common sense. Eddie has a wonderful entry here on the 10 Things You Don’t Want to Hear From Your Ex. Check it out. “I love you” is high on the list. It’s a cruel thing to say to someone you’re leaving. And cowardly. Let him go, Alex. You can do better.
Hi,
I am going through this night mare of a break up for just a few weeks. And I am truelly exhausted! I go from accepting the break up to hoping it’d be ok soon.
Please help. He tells me he really loves me (it was pretty obvious too since we did not have issues and sex was fun and we both were enjoying it!) and it is because that is what he has to do. so he has to make his love for me die down or switch it off or whatever. I do not believe this is possible to love someone and go leave them to do the duty! That is what is giving me hope. He does not contact me though thank goodness. I am all confused really.
But the main thing is what you are completely right about is that I should finally make a decision to be responsible for my own happiness! Your website is a tremendous help!
Thanks
My Girlfriend of nine years broke up with me one month ago. I have been in so much pain on and off for the past month I just want to be able to tear these feelings for her from me. I cheated on her multiple times with multiple women over the course of two years. I betrayed trust to such a brazen degree that she should of broken up with me but she didnt. She stood by me in spite of all the emotional and psychological trauma that I put her through. I respected her strength and resolve and I loved who she was. To make a long story short I changed. Two years have passed and I reversed my entire outlook on things, did a total 180, she asked me to move in with her and I did. I was happy. Things seemed to be going well in spite of incessent trust issues. By my own volition she had access to all of my email accounts, phone records, and had my phone pass code. I made it so there was no doubt in her mind that I was being faithful to her. But apparently there was still a doubt.
On a Friday night I called her saying that I missed her (I work alot)and that I would like to go do something with her. Her response was something along the lines of I just want to hangout with my friends. I said that this was ok and that she should give me a call when she thought that she was going to be home. At about twelve I woke up and called her because I had yet to hear from her and she didnt pick up.
When I finally got in contact with her it was 5 in the morning. She informed me that she felt that she could not trust me and that because of this that she could no longer continue the relationship. The next night she didnt get home until 3 am. After much pestering she finally admited that she was at a new “friends” house and thats where she had been the night before as well.
A couple of nights ago we where having a phone conversation in which she informed me that she is in love with her new boyfriend.
I’m really strugling with this. There is a good part of me that wants to fight for her back as she did with me. That same part feels almost as if this a a small pennance for all the hurt that I caused her. I know intelectualy that I need to move on but it is so incredibly difficult.
I felt as if I needed to make a significant change. A week ago I quit my Job and ended a career path that has given me a great deal of success. I plan on moving away from the area to continue my education to finish my law degree. The only problem is I am having so much difficulty letting go. I just want that phone call to come syaing that shes sorry, she really forgives me, and that shes ready to move on with me. But I know that it will never come. I simply cannot bring myself to really feel that way.
I made some major mistakes that destroyed our relationship. I genuinely hoped that I could rebuild that which I cast aside so many times. Its not in my nature to give up at anything, yet I know that its time to walk away. So why cant I?
Been a while since this post, but it’s what I’m going through now. She was amazing, I took her for granted an broke her trust, and it’s hard to accept that it was my fault. Hang in there, I know how tough it is, I can barely function right now.
My husband and I just separated 2 weeks ago. There are so many issues that should make it obvious to me that this is the best thing that could have happened. It was a very volatile relationship. I earned most of the income that provided for our lifestyle and financial stability. After we met, his parents contacted me and told me he was a fugitive. I reported him to the local police department and he was extradited back to Nevada and put in jail during which time he wrote daily letters declaring his love for me. He said I changed his life; made him know the man he needs to be, etc. We decided to marry so he could come live with me as I own a house and have a stable income in PA. Well he tried I guess. In less that 2 years he went through 8 jobs… fired from at least 5. I asked him to contribute what he could to the household. He finally admitted that he hates living in PA and wanted to return to Las Vegas and be who he is. So he is doing just that. Playing poker every day. He has gotten 2 jobs in the 2 weeks he’s been there. You don’t have to guess that neither has worked out. In my insane addiction to him I have identified all I did wrong…. expected too much, was too controlling, etc. I have been considering moving to Las Vegas so we can be together. Remember the unstable economy and the current housing market, and one can see that I am truly nuts. So I’m looking for help whereever I can get it. I will be going back to work tomorrow and trying to regain some control over my life. I only need to cancel his phoneline to create a No Contact situation but I’m so fragile that I’m afraid. He senses my weakness and is being that much more cruel. He is the kind of person that should be easy to hate. His own parents said “we never knew what you saw in him”. My family and friends think I’m crazy and I know I’m just rambling so I’ll stop here. I just needed to vent I guess
@Jeff –
I just wanted to say… You’re right about opening your eyes to who a person really is. In all truthfulness, I don’t know that my ex changed all that much… Except to say that the more that I put up with in terms of his starting one thing and backing out or my paying for things or my not expecting him to always hold up on his end, etc, the more he backed out of! I think it took a long time for my personal limit to be reached–that’s the only thing that has changed. He moved out and told me via text but I gave him the ultimatum to step up or get out… I only questioned him about his choice once.
And I’m absolutely sticking to the no contact! We haven’t had any tearful phone calls or drawn out conversations. We made no plans to “keep in touch.” I personally feel like keeping in touch only keeps you from shutting the door, as hard as shutting it is. Only communication between us was when and where he was the gather his things (that’s unfortunately necessary when you live together)…
There are minutes or hours that NC is VERY hard–but I have lists up everywhere of the reasons that I am happier now, I text a friend about getting together for coffee or I type him an email THAT I DO NOT SEND. I immediately redirect my thouoghts to associate the break up with new happiness and I am finding that now I feel happy when I realize I am no longer with him. I also mentally went through the friends we shared and his family I was close to and sent them all “Thank you, I enjoyed what we shared but we cannot keep in touch” letters. This closure and space has allowed me to realize I gave him three great years and left it all out on the field, so to speak. It was a beautiful time in my life that allowed me to learn and grow quite a bit. It’s one month this week and I honestly feel better than I have in YEARS (long before I met him). I don’t know if any of these tips above will help anyone who has been reading, but it has all helped me alot!
Closure isn’t something our exes give us. It is a gift we give ourselves because we deserve it!
I feel in love with an amazing guy in college, and our relationship lasted about 7 years (on and off). We had our issues – cultural differences, fights about things that were said or done, jealousy issues, etc. but we did both realize that we were really truly in love, and one way or the other, we made it work out. I may be biased in saying this, but I think I put in more of the effort than he did, but we still had an undeniable attraction in many ways.
There came a point when we realized we were up on different pages – I wanted to move forward, figure out if this was going to move to marriage, while he was still looking for what made him happy in life.. and he started straying.
long story short, i ended it for the final time about 6 months ago. and every day has been very hard… I would still talk to him and see him once a week or so – just to catch up – but it brought back too many feelings of attachment. I finally stopped seeing him for good, and talking to him on the phone. but we were still exchanging texts and emails every couple weeks or so…
its been tough to not respond, but i’ve come to the realization that the more i let him back into my life, the more he will be controlling my emotions. I am trying my hardest to keep myself busy at work, find new hobbies, make new friends.
I think what has helped me the most if to write out my thoughts in emails and texts, say everything ive wanted to say to him, about the things he did to mess up our relationship, about the anger and sadness i feel from losing him, and then i save the emails until i calm down from the emotional roller coaster and can go back and delete them. Its more the act of being able to write down everything that i’m thinking that has helped, because I know that if i sent the emails, it wont do anything to change the situation.
i’ve also tried to branch out of my usual set of friends (which we had in common) and hang out with more single friends so that im not always around couples or with grilfriends who want to talk about relationship issues.. plus hanging out with other singles just makes it easier to find the next relationship 🙂
from what everyone keeps telling me – i guess it just takes a lot of letting go to heal – esp when your relationship was at the stage of marriage or if you were already married – there are so many comforts that you miss that make you want to go running back.
ive started to let go of the woulda coulda shouldas of the past and started to think about what i want to do differently in my future relationships…to everyone who’s going through the heartache – i wish you luck and just remember… if the person you love(d) couldnt love you back the same way.. its time to find someone who can!
thanks for reading 🙂
Cindy.. when the other person is telling you it is YOU and that YOU need to work on this or that so MAYBE by some impossible miracle you can one day be together.. well, don’t believe it. My ex did that and it is crazy. If he/she really wants to work things out they will NOT say these things.. will NOT see other people and will NOT put you thru all this pain, where you are going crazy and driving your family nuts! Yes.. couple have trials from time to time, but this is not some simple argument or disagreement – you have broken up.
I think you and KAT are finally opening your eyes to who your ex’s really are OR whom they have become now.
You ladies both seem very nice. Hold fast to the NC, hang out with your fam and girlfriends, catch up on your TV shows and reading and other hobbies. Keep busy and push those mean old EXs out! Deal with the hurt (don’t ignore it or cover it) but share it here and in limited fashion with people around you.
If you give it some time you will get better. It you keep pulling the wound back and looking under the scab, you will only feel pain and slow the healing. It is all logical but since we are hurting, we get really focused on our wounds.
Take some time, don’t rebound with someone else. If you can keep up with the NC and self improving for at least 3 months straight, chances are good you could make it to 6 months. Then after that, you will be home free! And in a year you may actually be someone who can be with someone else without driving them crazy over your feelings for your EX. If you don’t put this time into it up front, A) your EX won’t take you back anyway and B) you will drive a new person crazy and C) rinse repeat – you will have a new EX.
This is not gloom and doom, it is the the dark reality of your new life (on mars!). If you do it well however, it will be dark but then you will see LIGHT breaking on the dawn!
@KAT – Kat_ i know how you feel. For four years i was blissfully in love and I thought we both were, he still says he was. We rarely fought had lots of fun. But when we started planning a wedding things went bad, i guess its something he hadnt truly thought about and hid his feelings oh and the fact that he was talking to another girl from me. So three months before the wedding he tells me he cant. Yes breakups really suck especially when your ex is out dating a woman 15yrs older with kids, (my ex is 23 she is 38) all the while telling me to work on my issues so that later on in the future we can be together cuz he loves me but this isnt the right time for us. I call him constanly just to talk to him we lived together for four years! I dont understand what happened. Iam never dating a guy younger than me,I am three yrs older than he. I have tried the no contact rule and Iam fine for like one day then the urge to talk to him comes and it consumes me and its all i can think about then I call him. Ill call him when I know hes home at like 1 or 2 in the morning, i dont stay ,up its when I wake up in the middle of the night and I call him. I want to be happy I want to move on its just so incredibly hard! I feel like my family is getting annoyed with my constant crying and talking and analyzing, i want to stop i really do iam so sick of this!!!
@joe blessing –
ICK. Those are really awful words because they’re probably not the words you’re used to hearing of her mouth. It made me think of this tiny similar thing… My ex lived in my house with me and his daughter. We had a dog together. When he moved, he took only the top things he wanted (after three years I received only a few text messages blaming it on me and telling me he was moving out… While I was away for the weekend trying to figure out how to handle his distant and strange behavior… BUT anywho)… We had a dog together that he now wants nothing to do with. In one of this final messages he said “Take care of ‘little’ Fido.” “Little Fido?” I felt like I never knew him. Same as “That’s sweet.” Ick.
NO CONTACT is the way to avoid hearing those phrases that make the ex seem like an alien! I’m convinced!
In my own case, I did as a step to reconciliation at some point. I know for certain that the love she felt for me is still in her, but its buried beneath fear, bad advice, maybe even immaturity. Who knows, but if we get to the point where we are around each other, the connection will re-connect. I know all people in my situation think that, but it is true for many people as well. Does not mean it will happen. It might not. I’ll see. As it is now, I will plan on being very low key, though the patience of the idea is killing me. I’m not a patient guy. I pick a target in life, and move straight toward it.
@Eddie Corbano –
I hear that, but gotta ask. I still don’t see how NC helps you with reconcillation. Out of site, out of mind. It seems the break advice in this regard is always the same, and seems a bit fatalistic. Even if a person has no shot at gettng thier ex, if they want to try, I don’t see how 2 yrs of NC is gonna do anything.
@Jeff
Very interesting metaphor and well put. Thanks for the comment 🙂 .
People ask me a lot whether they should send birthday cards to their Exes and break their No-Contact because of that.
I always reply: “What are you trying to achieve with this?”
Are you trying to avoid that your Exes are getting angry because you ignore them? Is it a careful attempt for reconciliation? Waiting for a reaction?
Guys, listen to me, nothing ever good comes out of breaking no-contact. It will only throw you back.
Never forget: You are on your path to recovery, avoid anything that will endanger that!
@sheela
Don’t beat yourself up because you broke no-contact, it happens, it’s ok, just resume no contact again.
It would be best if you could change your number, or block his ID (this seems drastic, but it would help tremendously).
Eddie