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Do You Feel Defeated By Your Break-Up?

This is the first guest article of hopefully more to come by our dear reader and contributer Aaron Brook (4Get).

Defeat After A Breakup

Do you feel defeated by your break-up?

It is a loaded phrase to say you have been defeated because the notion is a powerful concept as you strive to heal from what was inevitably a very difficult time in your life. Things that defeat you seem to jeopardize your whole life’s framework whilst eroding the sum of your emotional security to the barest and frailest of cores. It is defeat that drives you to the point where you cannot help but feel like a loser. But, if just for the next few minutes as you read, I would like to discuss defeat as objectively as any of us here can.

Much like my own healing journey here, chances are that you too at some point have felt the slings and sorrows of defeat. Time and time again I used to tell myself that I just was not good enough. I imagine the lies I told myself will sound familiar to those of you feeling defeated. My ex-partner was a winner, she was the victory party, and she came away unscathed in my eyes. I thought it was helping to feel this way, but all that blame and defeat served to do was to continue to saturate me in guilt, suffering, and total anguish.

So what is it that we are calling defeat exactly? Were we really even defeated?

Let’s take a good look at what is really going on here.

If just for a moment, I want you to reorient yourself as you read. It may have been minutes, days, weeks, or months since your break-up, but please follow me through this shift of perspective because it could just be one of the most important developments in your healing journey.

Perhaps defeat comes to you in feeling inferior, feeling like a loser in some sort of sporting match, or in groveling in what little integrity you think you have left in your life. It is a natural reaction that attempts to disturb a very delicate process of reconstruction. But that does not always make it a useful exercise, because it is the heart’s way of transferring emotion from one place to another.

Many of us have lost someone special, but that in and of itself does not make us losers. The distinction between a loss and a defeat is very important. After all, whether you yet realize it or not, you are exactly the same person you were when you and your ex-partner were at the height of your relationship. All of your feelings, all of your joys, and all of your victories are all things you still hold within your hands.

So what exactly is my point here? I would argue that what some of us consider defeat is actually one of the most commanding psychotherapies through which we can opt to discover more strength and power than we ever thought possible. Through telling ourselves terrible lies under deceptive circumstances to make sense of our experience, we undertake a very influential process.

It is not defeat so much as reflection. And this reflection is so important to the feeling and healing process. What it actually means is that you have a level of awareness within yourself. What it actually means is that you are a caring person, an emotional person, and a very special person as well.

That right there is what you are calling defeat. These feelings of attachment will fade over time as you desensitize from your challenging experiences, but what will remain is this power I describe.

Thus, loss does not in and of itself make one a loser. Instead, it makes you human to feel defeated and to often wonder why you cannot progress and move forward with your journey. From another person’s perspective, the scene of defeat is very scientific and incredible to observe. It is for this reason that I often said that sadness is beautiful around these parts. What you may think is defeat gives you strength to carry forward that comes in a variety of forms.

For some, defeat will precipitate dedication to one’s own improvement. My own tale of defeat triggered new interests, and because I had told myself that I was not good enough, I thought I knew that improving my own life would help to not feel defeated. I started to put myself first again as I improved my diet, started running four days a week, and revamped interests in music, poetry, and photography.

But it was not these things that helped me to see that I was not a loser and a defeated and broken man.

What helped me was to realize that I had the motivation and the control to do these things for myself. Defeat was a voice within my head that, at least for a short period of time, gave me guidance and direction until I was able to regain control of my life. Do not discount the power that defeat can have if you realize what it truly can do for you.

Always remember that there is only one person in your life who can influence your decisions, choices, and feelings.

This is true under all circumstances – including break-ups.

When someone walks out on you, it is your reaction that causes you the pain that often leads you into feeling defeat.

Further, it is not my words here that influence you, but instead how you relate and interact with them. But if my meditations have been of any utility to you, I hope you can see the means by which you can reorient yourself into reconsideration of your state of defeat.

You must always believe in yourself and trust your judgment under all circumstances. As a result, I hope you can be fully aware of the influence that your feelings of defeat have over you. After all, these feelings of defeat are not probably accurate, and you can use them to your betterment and advantage if you are willing to take the vital step in accepting what has happened and who you are.

So I ask again: do you feel defeated?

You may feel very hurt, very wronged, and very angry for whatever has happened to you in the recent experience of your life. But ensure that you now know the difference between these feelings and those of defeat. Any person who can make this distinction will realize that you are never defeated by a break-up, merely impaired emotionally as to the reality set before your feet. You cannot be defeated because you continue to fight through the struggle of accepting what has happened, what you need to do to take care of yourself, and where you need to go to continue in the future.

Aaron Brook

(Photograph is a courtesy of darkpatator)

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52 Responses to Do You Feel Defeated By Your Break-Up?

  1. Eddie Corbano May 11, 2011 at 7:15 am #

    Aaron (4Get),

    Thank you so much for this excellent article.

    Yes, I remember this crippling feeling of defeat back then very vividly. I was feeling like a boxer just being knocked out. “What have I done to deserve this?” was a repeating thought.

    It’s all an illusion – as you’ve pointed out – an automated reaction to an event that is very difficult to understand at first.

    But with time you will realize that you can turn this alleged “defeat” into a shining victory.

    Thanks again,

    Eddie

    P.S.: We want more!

  2. Barb May 11, 2011 at 7:53 am #

    Awesome! We defenitely want more! Thank you Aaron…hehe was always wondering what your real name was. 🙂

    • Anonymous May 11, 2011 at 11:02 pm #

      A pleasure as always, Barb! 🙂

  3. Anna K. May 11, 2011 at 10:07 am #

    Exactly! Although I must say, I feel that I’m not exactly the same person anymore. I have grown so much I feel like I’m a much better person, or a much more self-loving person than I was when still in the relationship. I wasn’t myself around him. Now it’s the most important thing to me: being myself. So even though I felt defeated (which of course wasn’t really defeat) – those sort of feelings always make me go Rocky: get up, dust off, fight for a brighter future! Because we deserve it!

    • Anonymous May 12, 2011 at 2:30 am #

      I wouldn’t want to be the same person as I was before, Anna. That’s not to say I was a bad person before… just rather than I’m much stronger and far more conscious than I ever was before. The growth is emotionally aging… I’m sure you know what I mean when I say that. I’m glad you’re putting yourself forward and loving yourself in new and extraordinary ways… it’s so worth it! Glad you’re feeling so great today… keep up the amazing work. 🙂

  4. Michael May 11, 2011 at 11:58 am #

    I went through the “defeated” stage as well. I remember just giving up. Telling my close friends it’s no use. I wasn’t talking about anything drastic, but I was just done trying to fight through the feelings, and I was just going to roll with them and let time take it’s course. I knew it would make the healing process take MUCH longer to happen, but I was just done with trying. I felt worthless, I felt like somehow I deserved to be cheated on, used, and walked all over. I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I was sick of looking for it. I was sick of forcing myself to see things clearly, and even though I hated the feelings that I was going through, I just didn’t have the energy to continue trying to change them. I really just felt defeated. Like you said, she had won. She had this great new life (that she had a month before I found out), she had played me, used me, stole from me, and embarrassed me, all while living under my roof. I had given up on myself and it was just easier to blame myself and wallow in the self pity. What got me through that was that my friends and family did not give up on me. Even after I had given up on myself, they still supported me. I got encouraging emails, phone calls, was invited out to events, dinners… you name it, they were there for me…. even when I wasn’t asking for it and didn’t feel like I deserved it. The funny thing was that I even got emails from HER friends inviting me out. Encouraging me, and ultimately supporting me because they also knew that what she did was wrong and that I didn’t deserve that. I decided that it wasn’t fair to all these people for me to continue to be defeated. So I pretended, I pretended to work on things, to be happy, to move forward…… as the weeks went on the pretending turned into real progress. It made me realize that I wasn’t defeated at all. I had it in me the whole time, if I would have just stuck with it. All it took was a few weeks of pretending, and without even realizing, that pretending took hold and momentum took over and I saw some AMAZING improvements in my recovery. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel sad, I still miss my dogs, I still miss THE IDEA OF WHAT I THOUGHT I HAD. But, I don’t let it defeat me, on the contrary, I use it as fuel to better myself. I use the pain as motivation to continue to better myself and become a much stronger, more aware man. Ultimately, no one has to feel or be defeated. Trust me, I was at the bottom of the pit. I had it all, a wonderful lady (turned out to not be so wonderful), two dogs who were my best friends, and a great reason to work hard. I had it all figured out and life’s plan was set. We were talking about retirement funds, investments, children, absolutely nothing to indicate that this was temporary. One day to the next it was all gone. Dogs needed a new home, house was empty, she had moved into the house of the man she was having an affair with and got engaged five days later… etc. So the house, as well as myself were just left an empty shell. I had no idea what to do, where to go, how to handle this, or what the hell happened. That is a true feeling of defeat. I NEVER thought I could really get over this, but I strapped on my pretend boots to not let down all the people that were in my corner and I realized that we have amazing abilities, if we just try and have a little faith in ourselves. Now, I see that this is just part of life’s journey, and I am working with it to benefit myself, to learn from it, to grow stronger from it. Don’t give up, because as defeated as you feel, we are never given a situation that we can’t handle. Get up and fight for your right to live!!

    • Anonymous May 12, 2011 at 2:34 am #

      Incredible post, Michael… thank you so much for sharing your experience here. As much as I can say in my own musings, hearing genuine and pure relatable life experience is so valuable to this community. Posts like these are the ones that change lives, reverse directions, and influence more positivity and self-love than can even be fathomed. All the best my brother… glad to hear you are fighting for it. Happy to fight alongside you any day of the week to defeat your demons! 🙂

      • Michael May 12, 2011 at 3:25 am #

        Thanks Aaron!! I too, as well as many people here always read your posts, because I seem to get some insight or motivation from them. I like to share my story, not only because it might help someone else, but because as I write it I get reminded to keep at it. Great article by the way. I look forward to reading more from you in the future. Also, thanks a bunch man, this website has made a huge difference in my life these past few months. We all appreciate it and take away great life lessons from it.

    • Ruby May 12, 2011 at 9:25 am #

      This was really amazing to read. It’s strories like this which make me know I’ll be fine, we will all be fine. Thanks so much.

    • Eddie Corbano May 12, 2011 at 11:10 am #

      Thank you Michael for this wonderful post.

      It’s a blessing in this situation to have someone kick your butt – even if you hate them for this now, you will thank them later.

    • darren March 7, 2013 at 8:24 pm #

      This post made me cry. I’ve literally been through the same with a load of past issues thrown in to make me feel more worthless. The hardest to take is that my ex seemed to move on straight away and has not bothered to contact me once and I like a Muppet had been to try and gain closure. I feel so lost and literally fight myself tooth n nail not to call to get closure because I get a different reason each time and just am in shock that it is the same person. Though I know previously she moves on straight away after a relationship is doomed but I honestly thought I was different. I’m 31 and she was 22.

  5. Sonia May 11, 2011 at 12:24 pm #

    Aaron you badass!! We love you and thank you for taking the time out of your life to be supportive of each and everyone of us. Excellent article. I can’t even tell you how many times I was looking for your commments to get me thru that day. 5 mths NC!!

    • Anonymous May 12, 2011 at 2:29 am #

      Sonia, darling… thanks so much. I have absolutely loved hearing your story… your strength and great attitude are so genuine and pure around here. It is people like you who lead and inspire around here… and don’t you forget it! I’m glad to have been of some utility to you in your journey… it is truly an honour, rest assured. 🙂 All the best!

  6. Lyns_matear May 11, 2011 at 12:42 pm #

    its great to see ur pic and put a face to the name of someone who has helped me thru so so much. Im forever grateful xx

    • Anonymous May 12, 2011 at 2:27 am #

      Lyns, you are most welcome. But don’t forget… it is you who helps you. All I do is show you the way and help you find your feet. And believe me whole-heartedly when I say it is an absolute joy and pleasure in my life to be able to support so many in such an incredible way. The opportunity Eddie has enabled for us all here is absolutely wonderful, and I’m so blessed and grateful to be a part of it. All the best with everything! 🙂

    • Anonymous May 12, 2011 at 2:27 am #

      Lyns, you are most welcome. But don’t forget… it is you who helps you. All I do is show you the way and help you find your feet. And believe me whole-heartedly when I say it is an absolute joy and pleasure in my life to be able to support so many in such an incredible way. The opportunity Eddie has enabled for us all here is absolutely wonderful, and I’m so blessed and grateful to be a part of it. All the best with everything! 🙂

  7. Madison May 11, 2011 at 2:23 pm #

    Hi 4get…..thanks so much for this article. I too have been mulling over for months the impact of my breakup and what relevance it has as far as instruction /growth. Great to see your smiling face!!! hugs Madison

    • Anonymous May 12, 2011 at 2:25 am #

      Hello Madison – great to hear from you as always. Loved your post on instinctual gut-reactions by the way… I’ve been looking into some research on the topic myself… might very well end up writing a blog post on it come to think of it! Glad to hear that your mulling is at least beginning to soften slowly. I suspect it’s a long and delicate process, but I sort of just embrace it now for what it is. I can accept it without it putting a dent in my armour now… so I’m happy to live with it until I can find a special enough person to share my life with! All the best. 🙂

    • Anonymous May 12, 2011 at 2:25 am #

      Hello Madison – great to hear from you as always. Loved your post on instinctual gut-reactions by the way… I’ve been looking into some research on the topic myself… might very well end up writing a blog post on it come to think of it! Glad to hear that your mulling is at least beginning to soften slowly. I suspect it’s a long and delicate process, but I sort of just embrace it now for what it is. I can accept it without it putting a dent in my armour now… so I’m happy to live with it until I can find a special enough person to share my life with! All the best. 🙂

  8. teeenybubbles May 11, 2011 at 3:35 pm #

    @4get:disqus Badass indeed! You SO rock! Nice job.

    • Anonymous May 12, 2011 at 2:23 am #

      It is amazing people like you, TB, who make sticking around this community worthwhile. I will not soon forget the amazing stories, discoveries, and people I have met here this year. Every single person is so special, so beautiful, and so unique… it is nothing but a pleasure to be able to be at least a small part of that process.

    • Anonymous May 12, 2011 at 2:23 am #

      It is amazing people like you, TB, who make sticking around this community worthwhile. I will not soon forget the amazing stories, discoveries, and people I have met here this year. Every single person is so special, so beautiful, and so unique… it is nothing but a pleasure to be able to be at least a small part of that process.

  9. teeenybubbles May 11, 2011 at 3:35 pm #

    @4get:disqus Badass indeed! You SO rock! Nice job.

  10. Darren May 11, 2011 at 3:45 pm #

    Aaron, thanks for the article. You make some valid points and give us some nice food for thought!

    Great having you here, your support and input are valued by all 🙂

    Fletch

    • Anonymous May 12, 2011 at 2:22 am #

      Thank you, my brother… you have been there for me as long as I have been there. That orange exclamation mark has always been a beacon of hope for me… and I’m sure that I’m not alone when I say that. You were an inspiration and a guiding light to me from the moment I arrived here, and it’s great to able to contribute and give back the way you have!

  11. Dalziel May 11, 2011 at 5:34 pm #

    Aaron! naaice.. now we have a face and a name for 4Get 🙂 Brilliant work here. Pain does bring the best out of us. Keep it up!! I think i am a better person today than all i was in the last 24 years of my life. The break-up has stripped me raw and i can see reality even with my eyes closed. I am forced to face the truths, embarrassments, pain, silence, shortcomings and the bare reality and weakness of being human and i have faced them. And i have come out alive, just like you and all the others here. The beauty of brokeness.. this right here — above and below. That is what has helped in changing my life. You are the best you could be today.. and tomorrow is another day for you to get better than today’s best. Keep writing.. we will be reading!
    *survivor hugs* (with Gloria Gaynor singing in the background of course!!)

    • Anonymous May 12, 2011 at 2:19 am #

      Thank you so much for your support, Dalziel. I’m so glad that you’ve found some truth and some peace in your own journey… it’s so important and so worth all of the strife and struggle. I know you are a better person today… every day is a lesson whether you wish to learn or not, which just makes you that much more experienced, that much more wise, and that much more amazing. Great work on laying out the steps you’re working through by the way – I really enjoyed reading that and hearing that you’re starting to feel like yourself again. One more weekend, one more chance to thrive! All the best. 🙂

  12. Cami May 11, 2011 at 5:40 pm #

    Dearest Aaron,

    Congratulations on a great article!!!!!!!! Now, “this is success if I have ever seen it”!

    You are such of a special man: You are not only a wonderful writer but also a great teacher. So many times…so many times, you have relaxed and fed my mind with both the wisdom and self-awareness in your words. I thank you for being such a wonderful motivator…source of inspiration…., and you are a great example…you have really done the work my friend!!! Beautiful! You are beautiful Aaron.

    More importantly, I thank you for just being you, Aaron…. …just being the man that you are…opening your heart to all of us…helping so many people through…. Thank you for your love, your kindness, your caring, your courage, your strength, and…–thank you for being here. I am going to miss you.

    I am just so happy for you!!! :)))))))))))))))))))

    Also, congratulations on completing your undergraduate degree, and I wish you well with your new job.

    May God continue to bless you with love, peace, and happiness,

    Warm Hugs,

    Toujours,

    A votre sante,

    Cami

    • Anonymous May 12, 2011 at 2:14 am #

      Dearest Cami,

      Thank you so much for your kind words as always. It has been so appreciated lately having you sort of step in to help me give back to this community… things have been busy, but I hope that by the time we upgrade to a forum or more permanent home, I will have the time to really help out around here the way I’d like to.

      I can’t sufficiently express my gratitude… for as many strong and eloquent speeches as I give, this white knight is still broken and struggling from time to time with life’s challenges. You are most welcome for the help… and most appreciated for your own reciprocity in giving me some genuine and useful perspective.

      I keep fighting the good fight knowing that it makes each subsequent day that much more amazing and beautiful. I am living my dreams and doing everything I can to continue being the man I want to be. Happiness, comfort, success, and love. Abstract goals, but very specific and genuine at the same time.

      Thank you also for putting a smile on my face… another long day at the office tomorrow, but I will do it in good stead and enthusiastic stride knowing that I have so many amazing people standing beside me and behind me every step of the way in my journey.

      A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love.
      ~Stendhal

      Much love, care, happiness, and joy,

      Aaron

  13. Betty May 12, 2011 at 12:06 am #

    Goodness! Very well written!

  14. Betty May 12, 2011 at 12:15 am #

    Another thing I want to add is that this came at the precise moment that I needed it. I’ve been feeling pretty decent, but then, the past couple of days, I’ve been feeling….well, defeated, not so much by the break-up (over a year ago), but by the realization that my life right now isn’t what I envisioned it to be at my age, when I was younger. I thought I’d be married, maybe with a kid by now, and with an amazing career. It hasn’t happened yet, so I’ve been feeling….yea, defeated. I thought bitterly about how my ex is getting what he wanted, but I wasn’t. But, this article puts me back on track. Thanks. 🙂

    • Anonymous May 12, 2011 at 2:05 am #

      You’re most welcome, Betty. Don’t let the thoughts and the possibilities weigh you down too much… you have to remember in those dark times just how amazing and awesome your life is. Don’t forget and discredit all of the things that make you a great and likeable person in your day to day life, because it’s often those things that are much more important and much more valuable.

  15. Anonymous May 12, 2011 at 12:32 am #

    Thanks, 4Get, and it’s nice to put a face to the name that gives so much support to everyone here.

    • Anonymous May 12, 2011 at 2:04 am #

      Glad you liked it leaaa… also glad you survived the weekend, but sorry to hear about your trip to the museum. Be well my dear… one step at a time!

      • Anonymous May 12, 2011 at 2:32 am #

        Thanks 4Get, you’re so in tune! I got the courage to begin…now to take those steps.

        • Anonymous May 12, 2011 at 2:38 am #

          “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.”
          ~Mary Anne Radmacher

          • Determined May 12, 2011 at 5:05 am #

            Thanks 4Get.

            I guess I was purring during the day.

            Your quote will help me get through the night smoothly.

            so, “I will try again tomorrow.”

  16. Ruby May 12, 2011 at 9:21 am #

    thanks so much for this. soon after breaking up with my bf i went away to the caribbean for two months and escaped it all…coming home it feels like all the crap had his me at once. this article helped me.

  17. Joanie May 12, 2011 at 10:48 pm #

    Thanks for writing this. I have been dealing with feelings of defeat for several reasons in my breakup with my ex-fiance, and reading this definitely boosted my spirits as I’m healing.

    He comes from a very close-knit, in each other’s business, prideful and competitive family, and I was always raised to be humble and tend to be more reserved. The motto among my ex and his family was always “I can’t help it if I’m better than you,” and I couldn’t help but take that to heart in the midst of the breakup. It hurt even more when I discovered that his family didn’t like me as much as they had lead on. I won’t go into the details. Knowing all that, and generally feeling like crap about calling off all the plans that we had for our wedding, and a life together was like pouring salt on my wounds and left me feeling very defeated. It really bothered me to think he’s walking around, content in his prideful ways and left me to pick up the pieces.

    It’s been really hard, but at this point I walk away knowing that I presented myself as I am to him and his family, I never fabricated anything about myself, and I happen to think I’m a decent human being. Who is my ex and his family to say that they are better than me? And on what grounds?(trust me they didn’t have much.) They didn’t like me, but it really doesn’t matter what they think. NO REGRETS! As Dr. Seuss said, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

    I just graduated from college, bought a new car on my own, have a good job. I take care of myself mentally and physically, and I have the best friends and family that I could ask for. I happen to feel pretty blessed in life. Insdead of being sad on the would have been wedding day, I will be climbing to the top of Half Dome in Yosemite. Can’t wait. Sorry for writing an essay! I just wanted to express that I definitely relate to everything that 4get said. It is SO important to keep on keepin’ on 🙂

    • noirdude January 14, 2014 at 3:11 am #

      one theme i see over and over again on this site (and that i can most certainly relate to) is this idea that our ex is somehow laughing all the way to the bank, so to speak, while we’re left in misery. like they are somehow superior to us in some abstract manner and that we somehow deserve to be miserable and they deserve to be lovin’ life.

      it’s a quirk in the human mind that whenever we start to feel bad about ourselves in situations like a breakup that our head starts looking for excuses to feel even worse. the fact is you really don’t know what’s going on in your ex’s life or mind and you’re just setting up an imagined scenario where you will always be “less than”. and always remember should you ever encounter them they will always try to make it look like they have it totally together and you, for whatever reason, will be eager to believe it. and, of course, they will always appear indifferent and you will be even more eager to buy into that.

  18. Xstayswetx June 30, 2011 at 5:07 pm #

    Feeling defeated 🙁 

  19. Sonia July 22, 2011 at 9:41 pm #

    Aaron! We miss you and are thinking about you, hope you are doing great!!

    • Barb July 23, 2011 at 6:14 am #

      Yup, we do miss you. 😉

      Love, Barb

  20. Pacocita August 8, 2011 at 9:03 pm #

    Ohhhhhhh 4get!!! I’m so happy to see where you have gotten and so jealous at the same time! I made the stupid mistake to get back with my Ex, and now I have to recover all over again!!! But it’s great to see that someone that once was where I am and who shared his struggle with me,  has recovered and is feeling much better now! 
    I think just knowing that I was on my way to recover the last time, makes it easier for me to have faith in the future, but having to live it twice in such a short period of time, makes me feel defeated for being weak enough to give him a second chance. 
    But your article has helped a lot!!! Thank you for expressing what we go through in such a good way that we realize we are not alone!!!

  21. polina November 27, 2011 at 6:20 pm #

    i feel defeated.my ex moved on, he is with his family, with his loving wife and children. i am all alone. i remember his hardtimes when his wife didn’t care for him and i was the only person to support him. i remember once when he said he could leave his children i asked what should i do after he leaves. he said his life was ruined, his family destroied and i had the who life ahead. and whats now? im the only one who stays nights up and crying. I lost this game and i am looser

  22. Erika 07 December 3, 2011 at 5:00 am #

    My first piece of advice, block him on Facebook or completely de-friend him. I just recently blocked my ex and I regret not doing it four months ago when we broke up. I saw through Facebook that he got another girlfriend and even though we’re ‘friends’ (I call him every once in a while, he lives four hrs away from me), I feel like he could have at least mentioned it. I’m over that, I guess. Breaking up is hard, but seeing them with someone else is worse. I know it hurts now and I can honestly say I feel your pain… I’m at a point where I can’t fall asleep at night because I get so lonely and I dwell on the past. Don’t dwell on the past either. I’m trying my hardest not to, I used to all the time but it’s gotten better. Don’t talk to your ex… don’t call, text, Facebook message, even e-mail him. No contact is very important! It helps so much. Keep track of how many days after you haven’t contacted him. If you see him, just ignore him. If he says all that bs about 10% single… yeah, right. My ex doesn’t live near me so I’m thankful I don’t have to see him ever again, but it still hurts. He was my first as well and though we never said those three words, it was sure felt between us. It’s hard, but you just have to tell yourself that everything will be okay. So here are three things:

    1. Block your ex on Facebook
    2. No contact!!!!
    3. Read through these articles… they really do help. 

    -hug- It’ll all be okay. 

  23. wana move ahead December 9, 2011 at 6:34 pm #

    hmmm.. nys article. keep up the good work. 🙂 
    i hav takn eddie’s help earlier as wel. so the break up dis tym didnt feel as bad as it had previously or mayb it was because the relation didnt last as long as the last 1 had….
                    neway, the guy nd me r classmates nd dat makes no-contact e1 more tougher than it is. i dont speak to him directly but send smses to him only wen i hav got sumthing work related or study related in my  hands. 
                    lately i hav been enjoying the replies i get frm him 4 my msgs… therefore i keep finding more nd more xcuses to ask him abt stuff dat seems to b important enuf….i feel m dumb nd really silly to do dis nd latr on i feel sick of myself. 🙁 😐 : ;(

  24. glasshouse 1 April 2, 2012 at 1:07 pm #

    Hi there everyone. Its me, Glasshouse. I went through a breakup about 11 months ago. The first few months were horrible but I have noow come so far! I have lost weight, got into fitness classes, made new friends, and achieved so much! And I was starting to believe that I really was over it. There hasn’t been any more relationships since, but ive enjoyed the time on my own, sorting myself out as I see it.

    And then, out of blue, after 10 months of no contact, he contacts me. It started with a call at 3am – I was sleeping and missed it. The next day he text and rang, and I finally felt confident enough to call back and talk to him. I knew that I was over it at this point – but really it was like closure, I just wanted to know that he was ok. We talked and talked for about 5 hours. And I am so proud of him, he’s done so so well.

    But he asked me to come and meet him…and at first I said no way in a million years. But then I thought about it and there was a little voice in my head saying ‘go and do it’ – because I knew that I wanted to, and I would regret it if I didnt. So I went. And we had a really nice day. He said he still loved me and I said the same to him, and I really did mean it. I am so much happier now, and so is he. We are much better people and I guess that that is a basis to begin a new relationship…

    We have been in contact and seeing each other every couple of weeks and its been really great. But we slept together this weekend and suddenly everything changed. Beacause I have lost a lot of weight I am so different, I feel sexy, toned and brilliant. And I expected him to love my new body and confidence….but I couldn’t help feeling that physically he wasn’t as attracted to me as before. I felt my confidence decrease immediately afterwards…we spent a really cold night we knew there was something wrong but we didn’t know what. I hated it. The next morning we spoke, he said that he was just taken aback by the change in me etc. We have decided to slow everything down for a bit to make sure that this is the right decision.

    But I really need advice! I dont know what to do. I just don’t know how it can be possible to love someone the way that we love each other but not be able to be together…we are so scared of hurting each other again. I don’t know what to do. I still love him after 10 months of no contact, not even a text, nothing. And he loves me. How are we supposed to get out of this????? I couldn’t bear to lose contact with him again…but I cannot bear to be hurt the way I was either….someone please please help?

    Thankyou so much my friends

    Glasshouse

  25. Charly August 5, 2012 at 9:48 pm #

    This is just how I feel, defeated! It’s been 5 months for me and the pain still feels raw. It’s still taking over my life and my ability to feel myself. Especially with time you think… that’s it, i’ll just have to accept I’m never going to get over him. No matter what I do, or how much I remind myself what a loser he is, my head and heart just don’t seem to wan’t to forget. It’s like doing anything social exhausts me because my mind has been ruminating all morning about ‘the loss’ and I have to smile and laugh in conversations which isn’t coming naturally. I’m hoping that just like Michael, I can come through this at least by acting my way through it.

  26. AJ January 20, 2013 at 2:26 am #

    I am going through the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. I am on day 3 of No Contact and this is after 4 months of making myself look horrible and pathetic from hate emails and texts to texts and emails letting him (i’m gay) know that I understand what i did wrong , and then of course the “please lets work this out”. The thing is that he did No Contact from the second he walked out of the door looking down at me like i was shit and I had no idea that would be the last time I would see or talk to him after living with him for 6 years……..but part of me knows that HE knew it would be………he wanted to break me and he did.
    Our relationship started me being cheated on by him and then me forgiving him….as the years went on I continued to forgive him for his drunk outbursts and all the other shit he did , meanwhile I was sacrifcing my identity and focusing on him and his deppresion. Before long I gave up on trying to make him happy and just adapted to his miserable , deppressed, negative way of being shutting out the rest of the world and becoming co depedant with him and our miserable life.
    Funny thing happened though…..when i became deppresed and pathetic like him……HE STARTED TO JUDGE ME EVEN MORE. He would use me to feel better about himself. And before to long I NEEDED him because i had let my life and self go so much that he was the only person that i had and that gave me a reason to exsist. So , you see, when he left me like a peice of grabage with No Contact it was just another selfish thing he did. Even though I know now that No Contact is important it is somthing that someone does to help move on from your ex……..something that he obviously wanted to do.
    Finally after four months of being that pathetic person he left a light bulb came into me head about two weeks ago and I was like “WHAT THE HELL MAN????” You did this to yourself!!! you stayed with him!!!!! and YOU are the only person that can get you out.
    I have nightmares almost nightly and friday and saturday nights are hard cuz I know he is out there………..well…………..pardon my french………but …On his fucking knees…….as much as he possibly can be while i have to start peicing myself, my dignity, and my self worth back together one day at a time.
    Every moment counts right now for me.
    The gym,
    acting classes,
    running,
    my friends
    these are things i gave up and they are all things ive started doing again as of last week. Along with 3 days of NC wich means i sent my last text to him.
    All the drama of us is now somthing that will fade over time i hope……and slowly as i start to see myself in the mirror again and remember the awesome person i was before i met him and why i was loved by a shit ton of people and all the things ive done in my life………..i have a very good feeling i’m gonna feel stupid for even giving so much of my thoughts…….until that day comes………i will take it one no contact day at a time 🙂

    • Sarah March 20, 2013 at 7:46 pm #

      I have been reading these help pages since my man walked out a month ago. I can relate to so many but the one above rings so many bells it is ridiculous. From the forgiveness at the beginning, to the alcohol fuelled outbursts and losing your own identity.
      I have had no contact for 3 days after foolishly replying to his text last week, it said, moving to swindon tomorrow, sorry things didn’t work out baby, i love you, please don’t hate me. After managing 2 weeks of no contact my panic button kicked in, he was moving hundreds of miles away and I would never see him again. I tried to be dignified and wish him good luck, told him I didn’t hate him and kept it short. but then 10 mins later I relapsed and texted again with the pathetic love speech…urgh. Then he asksif he can keep in touch and be friends. i just want to scream. He could have left town quietly and as i had him blocked on fb i would never have known. It was like he kicked me in the teeth when I was getting up.
      It was a funny relationship from the start. I am 15 years older than he was and for some strange reason we just clicked. I wasn’t looking for a relationship when I met him but we both went into it with our eyes open.
      After around 6 months we were hook line and sinker (or so I thought!) and when I looked in his eyes one night I just saw how much I meant to him and I proposed. He accepted and shouted it from the rooftops. Bizarre really cos looking back he used to kinda hide me, but I only see that now. Hindsight hey?
      He had no job so everywhere we went I had to pay, he lived at home with his mum, I had my own house etc. He said he felt bad but i told him it wasn’t an issue and supported him as best I could, even encouraging him to go back to uni and apply for hundreds of jobs, helping him get through his seeming depression. he said I was the best thing that ever happened to him.
      2 days after the engagement I saw something on his fb profile over his shoulder so asked if I could see. He handed over the laptop and it turns out he was talking to his ex who had always been an issue with me (still convinced he loved her still when he met me). It wouldn’t have been such an issue if he hadn’t told me he never really spoke to her…looking at the message history it was clear that was BS. I went through it and he never once mentioned having a new woman and implied he was still alone. So by this point I go and look who else he is messaging. Girl after girl, sending pics to 2, one of them was a pic in just his boxers (nothing left to imagination!) and the convo also had his phone number in. When this was sent we had been together for 4 months. It just got worse and worse.
      We had the worst row in the history of the world…I wanted to kick his ass straight out but how could I? We had been engaged 2 days, just told our families. I felt dumb…my trust in him was destroyed from that second on. I had to try and make things work though to save face. I found out so many more lies and secrets over the next 6 months but by this point my self esteem was on the floor and I felt so worthless. I was comparing myself to these girls…I am normally such a confident, self assured woman who even though far from perfect, can live with who I am. He exhausted me emotionally. But I just couldn’t walk away.
      Valentines came and went and we did nothing but row. i did get a card telling me he couldn’t wait to wake up next to my smile every day for the rest of his life. Then a week later he was gone. Just like that. He got horribly drunk and threw something at me and I asked him to leave as my kids were sleeping in the house. He has never done anything this extreme before as I would never let my kids see that.
      Next day I wait for the apology, nothing. Not a call, not a text. Day after I go to see him as all he has is the clothes he left in, everything else is at my place. No apology. Not even an invite into the house. Just a chat on the step telling me it’s over. He has nothing left for me. After everything I did for him, and forgave him for, HE has nothing left! Tells me I am not the person he met. That might be cos he came and totally changed me! So I leave him there and tell him to move his stuff out while I am at work. And sure enough that was the last I saw of him.
      Spent a couple of weeks persuading myself I was better off without this guy even if I do love him with every single fibre of my being. Then the text. He just seems to like hurting me. Then 3 days ago on his birthday he texts to tell me he is spending his birthday lonely in his hotel room. He starts his new job in the morning (bet I never see a penny of the money he “borrowed” over the last 12 months) I made the mistake of talking to him. He knows I would hate to think of him sat there alone and miserable on his birthday. We chatted for 3 hours online…we went over all the stuff I had been trying to forget and I end up back at square one.
      Worst part is that he says he still loves me but we had our chance and he will never come back. So that night I told him if I wasn’t his everything, I had to be his nothing. He can’t keep playing head games with me. I need the chance to heal and move on. I have forgotten who I really am. Some people are beyond selfish and sometimes you have to put yourself first so I told him never to contact me again. Hurt like hell but I feel empowered again. 3 days now and healing for the second time around xx

  27. Vinod March 1, 2014 at 11:14 am #

    Very Powerful article… True in most cases. Its better to focus all energy improving our future rather
    grieving on the past.

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