Do You Feel Defeated By Your Break-Up?

This is the first guest article of hopefully more to come by our dear reader and contributor Aaron Brook (4Get).

Do You Feel Defeated By Your Break-Up?

Do you feel defeated by your break-up?

It is a loaded phrase to say you have been defeated because the notion is a powerful concept as you strive to heal from what was inevitably a very difficult time in your life.

Things that defeat you seem to jeopardize your whole life’s framework whilst eroding the sum of your emotional security to the barest and frailest of cores.

It is defeat that drives you to the point where you cannot help but feel like a loser. But, if just for the next few minutes as you read, I would like to discuss defeat as objectively as any of us here can.

Much like my own healing journey here, chances are that you too at some point have felt the slings and sorrows of defeat. Time and time again I used to tell myself that I just was not good enough.

I imagine the lies I told myself will sound familiar to those of you feeling defeated. My ex-partner was a winner, she was the victory party, and she came away unscathed in my eyes.

I thought it was helping to feel this way, but all that blame and defeat served to do was to continue to saturate me in guilt, suffering, and total anguish.

So what is it that we are calling defeat exactly? Were we really even defeated?

Let’s take a good look at what is going on here.

If just for a moment, I want you to reorient yourself as you read. It may have been minutes, days, weeks, or months since your break-up, but please follow me through this shift of perspective because it could just be one of the most important developments in your healing journey.

Perhaps defeat comes to you in feeling inferior, feeling like a loser in some sort of sporting match, or in groveling in what little integrity you think you have left in your life.

It is a natural reaction that attempts to disturb a very delicate process of reconstruction. But that does not always make it a useful exercise because it is the heart’s way of transferring emotion from one place to another.

Many of us have lost someone special, but that in and of itself does not make us losers.

The distinction between a loss and a defeat is very important. After all, whether you yet realize it or not, you are exactly the same person you were when you and your ex-partner were at the height of your relationship.

All of your feelings, all of your joys, and all of your victories are all things you still hold within your hands.

So what exactly is my point here?

I would argue that what some of us consider defeat is actually one of the most commanding psychotherapies through which we can opt to discover more strength and power than we ever thought possible.

Through telling ourselves terrible lies under deceptive circumstances to make sense of our experience, we undertake a very influential process.

It is not defeat so much as reflection. And this reflection is so important to the feeling and healing process.

What it actually means is that you have a level of awareness within yourself. It means that you are a caring person, an emotional person, and a very special person as well.

That right there is what you are calling defeat.

These feelings of attachment will fade over time as you desensitize from your challenging experiences, but what will remain is this power I describe.

Thus, loss does not in and of itself make one a loser. Instead, it makes you human to feel defeated and to often wonder why you cannot progress and move forward with your journey.

From another person’s perspective, the scene of defeat is very scientific and incredible to observe. It is for this reason that I often said that sadness is beautiful around these parts.

What you may think is defeat gives you strength to carry forward that comes in a variety of forms.

For some, defeat will precipitate dedication to one’s own improvement.

My own tale of defeat triggered new interests, and because I had told myself that I was not good enough, I thought I knew that improving my own life would help to not feel defeated.

I started to put myself first again as I improved my diet, started running four days a week, and revamped interests in music, poetry, and photography.

But it was not these things that helped me to see that I was not a loser and a defeated and broken man.

What helped me was to realize that I had the motivation and the control to do these things for myself.

Defeat was a voice within my head that, at least for a short period. It gave me guidance and direction until I was able to regain control of my life.

Do not discount the power that defeat can have if you realize what it truly can do for you.

Always remember that there is only one person in your life who can influence your decisions, choices, and feelings.

This is true under all circumstances – including break-ups.

When someone walks out on you, it is your reaction that causes you the pain that often leads you into feeling defeat.

Further, it is not my words here that influence you, but instead how you relate and interact with them.

But if my meditations have been of any utility to you, I hope you can see the means by which you can reorient yourself into reconsideration of your state of defeat.

You must always believe in yourself and trust your judgment under all circumstances.

As a result, I hope you can be fully aware of the influence that your feelings of defeat have over you. After all, these feelings of defeat are not probably accurate, and you can use them to your betterment and advantage if you are willing to take the vital step in accepting what has happened and who you are.

So I ask again: do you feel defeated?

You may feel very hurt, very wronged and very angry for whatever has happened to you in the recent experience of your life.

But ensure that you now know the difference between these feelings and those of defeat.

Any person who can make this distinction will realize that you are never defeated by a break-up, merely impaired emotionally as to the reality set before your feet.

You cannot be defeated because you continue to fight through the struggle of accepting what has happened, what you need to do to take care of yourself, and where you need to go to continue in the future.

Aaron Brook

  • Very Powerful article… True in most cases. Its better to focus all energy improving our future rather
    grieving on the past.

  • I am going through the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. I am on day 3 of No Contact and this is after 4 months of making myself look horrible and pathetic from hate emails and texts to texts and emails letting him (i’m gay) know that I understand what i did wrong , and then of course the “please lets work this out”. The thing is that he did No Contact from the second he walked out of the door looking down at me like i was shit and I had no idea that would be the last time I would see or talk to him after living with him for 6 years……..but part of me knows that HE knew it would be………he wanted to break me and he did.
    Our relationship started me being cheated on by him and then me forgiving him….as the years went on I continued to forgive him for his drunk outbursts and all the other shit he did , meanwhile I was sacrifcing my identity and focusing on him and his deppresion. Before long I gave up on trying to make him happy and just adapted to his miserable , deppressed, negative way of being shutting out the rest of the world and becoming co depedant with him and our miserable life.
    Funny thing happened though…..when i became deppresed and pathetic like him……HE STARTED TO JUDGE ME EVEN MORE. He would use me to feel better about himself. And before to long I NEEDED him because i had let my life and self go so much that he was the only person that i had and that gave me a reason to exsist. So , you see, when he left me like a peice of grabage with No Contact it was just another selfish thing he did. Even though I know now that No Contact is important it is somthing that someone does to help move on from your ex……..something that he obviously wanted to do.
    Finally after four months of being that pathetic person he left a light bulb came into me head about two weeks ago and I was like “WHAT THE HELL MAN????” You did this to yourself!!! you stayed with him!!!!! and YOU are the only person that can get you out.
    I have nightmares almost nightly and friday and saturday nights are hard cuz I know he is out there………..well…………..pardon my french………but …On his fucking knees…….as much as he possibly can be while i have to start peicing myself, my dignity, and my self worth back together one day at a time.
    Every moment counts right now for me.
    The gym,
    acting classes,
    running,
    my friends
    these are things i gave up and they are all things ive started doing again as of last week. Along with 3 days of NC wich means i sent my last text to him.
    All the drama of us is now somthing that will fade over time i hope……and slowly as i start to see myself in the mirror again and remember the awesome person i was before i met him and why i was loved by a shit ton of people and all the things ive done in my life………..i have a very good feeling i’m gonna feel stupid for even giving so much of my thoughts…….until that day comes………i will take it one no contact day at a time 🙂

    • I have been reading these help pages since my man walked out a month ago. I can relate to so many but the one above rings so many bells it is ridiculous. From the forgiveness at the beginning, to the alcohol fuelled outbursts and losing your own identity.
      I have had no contact for 3 days after foolishly replying to his text last week, it said, moving to swindon tomorrow, sorry things didn’t work out baby, i love you, please don’t hate me. After managing 2 weeks of no contact my panic button kicked in, he was moving hundreds of miles away and I would never see him again. I tried to be dignified and wish him good luck, told him I didn’t hate him and kept it short. but then 10 mins later I relapsed and texted again with the pathetic love speech…urgh. Then he asksif he can keep in touch and be friends. i just want to scream. He could have left town quietly and as i had him blocked on fb i would never have known. It was like he kicked me in the teeth when I was getting up.
      It was a funny relationship from the start. I am 15 years older than he was and for some strange reason we just clicked. I wasn’t looking for a relationship when I met him but we both went into it with our eyes open.
      After around 6 months we were hook line and sinker (or so I thought!) and when I looked in his eyes one night I just saw how much I meant to him and I proposed. He accepted and shouted it from the rooftops. Bizarre really cos looking back he used to kinda hide me, but I only see that now. Hindsight hey?
      He had no job so everywhere we went I had to pay, he lived at home with his mum, I had my own house etc. He said he felt bad but i told him it wasn’t an issue and supported him as best I could, even encouraging him to go back to uni and apply for hundreds of jobs, helping him get through his seeming depression. he said I was the best thing that ever happened to him.
      2 days after the engagement I saw something on his fb profile over his shoulder so asked if I could see. He handed over the laptop and it turns out he was talking to his ex who had always been an issue with me (still convinced he loved her still when he met me). It wouldn’t have been such an issue if he hadn’t told me he never really spoke to her…looking at the message history it was clear that was BS. I went through it and he never once mentioned having a new woman and implied he was still alone. So by this point I go and look who else he is messaging. Girl after girl, sending pics to 2, one of them was a pic in just his boxers (nothing left to imagination!) and the convo also had his phone number in. When this was sent we had been together for 4 months. It just got worse and worse.
      We had the worst row in the history of the world…I wanted to kick his ass straight out but how could I? We had been engaged 2 days, just told our families. I felt dumb…my trust in him was destroyed from that second on. I had to try and make things work though to save face. I found out so many more lies and secrets over the next 6 months but by this point my self esteem was on the floor and I felt so worthless. I was comparing myself to these girls…I am normally such a confident, self assured woman who even though far from perfect, can live with who I am. He exhausted me emotionally. But I just couldn’t walk away.
      Valentines came and went and we did nothing but row. i did get a card telling me he couldn’t wait to wake up next to my smile every day for the rest of his life. Then a week later he was gone. Just like that. He got horribly drunk and threw something at me and I asked him to leave as my kids were sleeping in the house. He has never done anything this extreme before as I would never let my kids see that.
      Next day I wait for the apology, nothing. Not a call, not a text. Day after I go to see him as all he has is the clothes he left in, everything else is at my place. No apology. Not even an invite into the house. Just a chat on the step telling me it’s over. He has nothing left for me. After everything I did for him, and forgave him for, HE has nothing left! Tells me I am not the person he met. That might be cos he came and totally changed me! So I leave him there and tell him to move his stuff out while I am at work. And sure enough that was the last I saw of him.
      Spent a couple of weeks persuading myself I was better off without this guy even if I do love him with every single fibre of my being. Then the text. He just seems to like hurting me. Then 3 days ago on his birthday he texts to tell me he is spending his birthday lonely in his hotel room. He starts his new job in the morning (bet I never see a penny of the money he “borrowed” over the last 12 months) I made the mistake of talking to him. He knows I would hate to think of him sat there alone and miserable on his birthday. We chatted for 3 hours online…we went over all the stuff I had been trying to forget and I end up back at square one.
      Worst part is that he says he still loves me but we had our chance and he will never come back. So that night I told him if I wasn’t his everything, I had to be his nothing. He can’t keep playing head games with me. I need the chance to heal and move on. I have forgotten who I really am. Some people are beyond selfish and sometimes you have to put yourself first so I told him never to contact me again. Hurt like hell but I feel empowered again. 3 days now and healing for the second time around xx

  • This is just how I feel, defeated! It’s been 5 months for me and the pain still feels raw. It’s still taking over my life and my ability to feel myself. Especially with time you think… that’s it, i’ll just have to accept I’m never going to get over him. No matter what I do, or how much I remind myself what a loser he is, my head and heart just don’t seem to wan’t to forget. It’s like doing anything social exhausts me because my mind has been ruminating all morning about ‘the loss’ and I have to smile and laugh in conversations which isn’t coming naturally. I’m hoping that just like Michael, I can come through this at least by acting my way through it.

  • glasshouse 1 says:

    Hi there everyone. Its me, Glasshouse. I went through a breakup about 11 months ago. The first few months were horrible but I have noow come so far! I have lost weight, got into fitness classes, made new friends, and achieved so much! And I was starting to believe that I really was over it. There hasn’t been any more relationships since, but ive enjoyed the time on my own, sorting myself out as I see it.

    And then, out of blue, after 10 months of no contact, he contacts me. It started with a call at 3am – I was sleeping and missed it. The next day he text and rang, and I finally felt confident enough to call back and talk to him. I knew that I was over it at this point – but really it was like closure, I just wanted to know that he was ok. We talked and talked for about 5 hours. And I am so proud of him, he’s done so so well.

    But he asked me to come and meet him…and at first I said no way in a million years. But then I thought about it and there was a little voice in my head saying ‘go and do it’ – because I knew that I wanted to, and I would regret it if I didnt. So I went. And we had a really nice day. He said he still loved me and I said the same to him, and I really did mean it. I am so much happier now, and so is he. We are much better people and I guess that that is a basis to begin a new relationship…

    We have been in contact and seeing each other every couple of weeks and its been really great. But we slept together this weekend and suddenly everything changed. Beacause I have lost a lot of weight I am so different, I feel sexy, toned and brilliant. And I expected him to love my new body and confidence….but I couldn’t help feeling that physically he wasn’t as attracted to me as before. I felt my confidence decrease immediately afterwards…we spent a really cold night we knew there was something wrong but we didn’t know what. I hated it. The next morning we spoke, he said that he was just taken aback by the change in me etc. We have decided to slow everything down for a bit to make sure that this is the right decision.

    But I really need advice! I dont know what to do. I just don’t know how it can be possible to love someone the way that we love each other but not be able to be together…we are so scared of hurting each other again. I don’t know what to do. I still love him after 10 months of no contact, not even a text, nothing. And he loves me. How are we supposed to get out of this????? I couldn’t bear to lose contact with him again…but I cannot bear to be hurt the way I was either….someone please please help?

    Thankyou so much my friends

    Glasshouse

  • wana move ahead says:

    hmmm.. nys article. keep up the good work. 🙂 
    i hav takn eddie’s help earlier as wel. so the break up dis tym didnt feel as bad as it had previously or mayb it was because the relation didnt last as long as the last 1 had….
                    neway, the guy nd me r classmates nd dat makes no-contact e1 more tougher than it is. i dont speak to him directly but send smses to him only wen i hav got sumthing work related or study related in my  hands. 
                    lately i hav been enjoying the replies i get frm him 4 my msgs… therefore i keep finding more nd more xcuses to ask him abt stuff dat seems to b important enuf….i feel m dumb nd really silly to do dis nd latr on i feel sick of myself. 🙁 😐 : ;(

  • My first piece of advice, block him on Facebook or completely de-friend him. I just recently blocked my ex and I regret not doing it four months ago when we broke up. I saw through Facebook that he got another girlfriend and even though we’re ‘friends’ (I call him every once in a while, he lives four hrs away from me), I feel like he could have at least mentioned it. I’m over that, I guess. Breaking up is hard, but seeing them with someone else is worse. I know it hurts now and I can honestly say I feel your pain… I’m at a point where I can’t fall asleep at night because I get so lonely and I dwell on the past. Don’t dwell on the past either. I’m trying my hardest not to, I used to all the time but it’s gotten better. Don’t talk to your ex… don’t call, text, Facebook message, even e-mail him. No contact is very important! It helps so much. Keep track of how many days after you haven’t contacted him. If you see him, just ignore him. If he says all that bs about 10% single… yeah, right. My ex doesn’t live near me so I’m thankful I don’t have to see him ever again, but it still hurts. He was my first as well and though we never said those three words, it was sure felt between us. It’s hard, but you just have to tell yourself that everything will be okay. So here are three things:

    1. Block your ex on Facebook
    2. No contact!!!!
    3. Read through these articles… they really do help. 

    -hug- It’ll all be okay. 

  • i feel defeated.my ex moved on, he is with his family, with his loving wife and children. i am all alone. i remember his hardtimes when his wife didn’t care for him and i was the only person to support him. i remember once when he said he could leave his children i asked what should i do after he leaves. he said his life was ruined, his family destroied and i had the who life ahead. and whats now? im the only one who stays nights up and crying. I lost this game and i am looser

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