Break Up and Divorce The Cruelty Of The No Contact Rule

The Cruelty Of The No Contact Rule

Everyone who has ever started following the No Contact Rule knows about its relentlessness, even its cruelty sometimes.

But once we understand that the rule is actually there to protect us from even more pain, sorrow and disappointment – once we realize that breaking it means a huge leap backward in our recovery, following it gets a little bit easier.

But how do we come to such an understanding?

Well, first of all, many of us break the No Contact Rule before the 60 days run out and experience the devastating consequences.

This often works as a “reset” to get us back on track and motivates us to start the healing process finally.

Or we simply know and trust that breaking the rule means facing a completely changed Ex, and everything unpleasant that comes with it.

Sometimes the fear of such an experience is simply enough to keep you on track.

I miss you. I can't call, because it would only hurt me.

I found the above quote on a forum somewhere, and it really touched me deeply.

Standing there all on its own, an outcry of a bleeding heart.

The No Contact Rule and all its pitfalls condensed into just a few words.

A No Contact manifest.

Is the rule cruel? Oh yes, it is … but it is also just.

Use this quote as a reminder to hang in there, and to NOT contact your Ex. No matter how much you want to.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

  • Very confused:
    I met J on August/15 and he did the full blown pursuit. Calling me every day, 4 to 5 times a day, extensive text messages and all the fun emojis and so on. On May/16 he told me he need space and time alone and cut all text messages, except to tell me when he was close to my house so I know to busy him in. No more flirty messages and emojis and the calls became every other day. Than I noticed when he had new interest he would become colder and avoid coming over. There were times where he would go a month without seeing me. He than started to say mean things and do mean things to push me to break up. Things like offending me, picking on my self steam and even using other female to cause a fight and get me to break up. We did have a fight and he took the opportunity to break up. He than wanted to stay friends and we end up in a casual relationship. He told me that we were friends, but where I was confused is how could he see me as just friends and come see me twice per week and have such great sex. He told me” I do not love you and I am not in love with you, but when I am having sex with you, I am not having sex, I am making love to you. I said I do not love you and am not in live with you because I did not want you to think because I am making love with you, that I am in love with you”. He broke up with me in September and we stayed casual until last February 12th. I went to have my hair done close to his work and I saw him coming back from a walk with a woman and they hugged goodbye and kissed. I was very upset and he came over very late that night after work, I looked into his wallet to see if he had her phone number or any information on her. He noticed I went on his wallet and when he called me and questioned me the next day I told him the truth, I also told him I saw him with the other woman. He told me that” here you come with the trust thing again”. But how can I trust him when he spends the night at my house, just “made love with me” and goes on the bathroom at 4:00AM and goes on whatsapp and text the other woman/women? When I mentioned whatsapp, he says his friend keeps sending him video of naked women. He than gives his phone for me to look at it, and there is women saying she wishes she had the money to by an airfare to come visit him. He told me if I wanted to look at it I should just have asked and he would have showed me. I broke up with him when he kept pushing the wallet issue. I told him I was wrong, I apologized, but I broke up the casual thing with him. He told me we were just friends and if he invited a woman for a walk or for a dinner date, he wouldn’t tell me because it is not my business. I felt like crap once again. He is “separated” which I know have doubts since everything was a secret from his “ex” so he might not be separated after all. When he broke up with me in September he wanted to stay friends. Since I broke up we talked once, and he went away on vacation. He texted me when he got to his destination to tell me he landed sound and safe and he text me again when he landed at his second destination. He told me would text me when he landed back home and he did not. He was coming on WhatsApp and checking on me to see when I was there last, when he sees I am online he would get off quickly. He did this for four weeks and for the past week he is doing less and less and the past couple days he only came on whatsapp once. I feel are both using the no contact rule. Question is: is he doing the no contact? I am little confused. I text him to see if they had a nice vacation ( he went with his son) and he texted 8 hours later saying they had a great time, thanks. nothing else since. it was a week ago. He has my belongings and we were supposed to arrange for him to return it. should I contact him about it? or wait for him to contact me? why is he checking me up on whatsapp? if he did not love me, care for me, why is he checking me up? was he bluffing about not caring about me? help me here please. Thanks

    • Hi anna. By the description of how he treated you and the things he said to you the answer is no, that is not love at all. He is treating you like a place holder someone to have in his life for physical pleasure and maybe some companionship but that is not love by the slightest. Don’t allow him to continue to treat you as if your unworthy and unvaluable because you are valuable. If you know that you still have emotional ties to him and view him more than just a casual companion don’t accept anything less than what you want if he cant provide that just cut ties until you heal your heart, because you will be the one hurt and settling. Never allow a man to treat you second or third to anybody. He either treat you with compassion, love and respect or he’s just not qualified to be with you.

      • Dear friend your story sounds identical to my own. Married for 36 years I’m 49 he’s 51. He’s cheated lied left me 2 times within the 36 yrs. 1st time he said he wasn’t ready to be a husband or father and made me and our 2 daughters move out I was very hurt sad and young and worried for my baby’s were only 6 and 4. Not realizing of NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER . I waiting for him for 4 yrs to come back to us. I loved vet very deeply.
        My loyalty to him was something he did not deserve or gave any thought too.
        AnywY he came back magically we had another daughter he bought me a house a car I went back to work good job everything was going great. Until he started his crap again. And what I thought could never ever happened back then to us would happen again.
        It did…. he started cheating and I was shocked and Desperate and devestated. My world came crushing down . He moved out and I tried to be strong while dying in the inside. 2006 time. He came back to me 2009 in 2012 I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer stage 3 it’s been an emotional rollercoaster im ok thanks to my family in Redmition now all is good. However 2018.
        He started acting weird and hiding he’s cell phone not home after work some nights we fight he start this on purpose so he could take off. Then he left and never came back. I’m emotionally detached from my everything everyone. I don’t like to be around anyone either but it’s essential to love your self and try hard to wake and take it slow. No contact for me is best. Sorry if my words our a little off.

    • Vivian Gabrianna Harden says:

      I’m going through something similar…

  • Well mines a very tricky situation. I was in a relationship with M but it wasn’t very good but I loved him so instead of ending the relationship I had a 15 month affair with a friend. I know I know not my finest hour. This friend R fell in love with me and I was very confused with my feelings and felt like R was pushing me into leaving M. R then told me he’d met someone and we were over and I went into complete meltdown. He said he was going to block me and on the 10th Feb that’s what he did. I tried to call and text on friends phones but he was having none of it. I have ended things with M as I realised it was R I loved but I’ve not seen or heard from him since. Is he doing the 30 day no contact rule or has he left me for good?

  • Me and my ex gf broke up about a month ago, on good terms though. She said she was overwhelmed with family issues and me constantly wanting to see her. She has a 5 year old child and she is 24 herself Im 25. We never argued and she told me everything that was on her mind finally one night all through text and ended up breaking up with me at the end. 2 weeks later she calls me over and we end up having sex for the next couple days, I kind of regret it because it put me back to square 1 for my feelings for her. Over the next couple weeks I text her once or twice a week and we talk about random stuff. I havn’t messaged her in about a week but this is my question. If I do the No Contact rule for about 30 days, do you think there is a chance she will think about/miss me? We have eachother on all social media we are friends but I feel like every now and then she just wants sex. Havnt seen her in about 2 weeks, opinions?

    • John Carpenter says:

      Move on. Study after study has shown trying to reconcile with a former partner is almost an invitation to frustration, failure, and greater heartbreak.

      The “no contact” rule should be used to “withdraw” from the former partner just as one would stop smoking or drinking. One doesn’t go into rehab just to come out clean to start drinking or using again.

  • My ex bf and I broke up for 6 yrs in 2007 and went back together in 2013.I fell pregnant immediately after got back things were on and off and we decided to do it for the child.I felt like i was single and only the mother of his child then I dumped him May 2016.He comes monthly bringing baby stuff even though we didn’t talk.Then his dad passed on and he sent me a message thats when we started talking.Last week he posted on facebook that all his ex gfs must delete his numbers as he wants to move on and dont need distractions.So i no longer wants to see him and wants to apply a no contact rule for 60 days.He will speak to my eldest daughter when he bring baby’s stuff and they will meet at the gate.Am I doing the right thing?

    • John Carpenter says:

      You really have no choice. He’s the father of your child and unless there is an abusive or otherwise dangerous element to his visitations, he either has been granted the rights by a court or would be to see your child.

      Frankly, I’m confused why you would even think of “No Contact” for any amount of time since it is quite likely that unless he has no affection for the child, your paths are going to cross and matters pertaining to its welfare will have to be discussed. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to discuss the child for one reason or another unless he disappears.

      Forget about your own self interest; like it or not, you’re a mother now and the child’s welfare is more important than your relationship with this man or any reason you have to play the “no contact” game.

  • Me and my ex were in a relationship for 1 year. Things went pretty fast and we were living together. There had been a lot of fighting and ups and downs but we made through a lot of it. Our parents were involved and we were considering marriage in the near future. Last month he lost it on my talking to a senior over facebook and it was just a regular work related conversation, he considered it random and lost it. One thing led to another, parents got roped in and it got very bad. I obviously moved out and we stayed off each other for a week. I had also said and done stupid things so I gave my best to sort things out and apologize but he wouldn’t budge. We stopped talking altogether and then he goes puts direct cheating and hurtful posts on instagram. Then all his friends unfriended me. When we did end up talking he felt no remorse and said it was over. It’s been 2 weeks to that and I haven’t contacted him. Yesterday he called me and on not responding he left me texts saying he wants to meet up and end things on a good note before finally parting ways since he feels we’re not meant to be together. When I didn’t reply, he blocked me on fb and texted my mom saying he doesn’t think it will work out (they were really close). I have been on a no contact period for 2 weeks now and will continue to do so. I’ve omitted a lot of details but this the long story cut short. I really need some good advice.

    • John Carpenter says:

      I wouldn’t know whether this advice is good or bad but it’s sound and what I would give to any woman I cared for: any man who uses social media to publicly humiliate a current or former partner or who uses such forums to divulge matters that should have been kept between the two of you is not the kind of man I would want to be involved with.

      I have no idea how old you are, your ethnicity, or experience with relationships, and so I must rely on assumptions. I do not think it is unreasonable to suggest that your history with this man of “a lot of fighting” and “ups and downs” paints a picture of two people who either not ready for a relationship, are willing to tolerate unacceptable behavior in a partner, or who ignorantly or innocently believe that the level of conflict in your relationship is tolerable.

      Essentially this guy is saying, “O.K. . I defamed you publicly, told my friends to kick you to the curb, I don’t want you in my future but let’s end this on a ‘good note.”

      What bullshit!

      As things stand now, that cannot happen and his attempt to make it happen is very suspect but I will give him the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to him being immature rather than insensitive.

      So here’s the bottom line. Don’t agree to meet him and do not contact him in any way. It may take another two or three weeks but at the end of that time you’ll be seeing things clearer and hopefully asking yourself why you allowed yourself to become involved with someone who would be so vindictive and callous.

  • me and my ex were in relationship for 3 years.for the first year we were very happy with each other.but he dint comit me ,he used to say he is happy with me in such type of a relationship only without marriage.at the end of 1 year we had a fight and i said something ,he was very angry and said me i am a psycho girl and he will never talk to me ever again and get lost.i tried contacting him,but he blocked me dint reply to my messages.so i decided to move on after 10 days of trying ,and mean while my marriage got fixed with some other boy,i told him,he got very angry saying how can i do that ?he said he realized that he loves me a lott and will marry me,but due to some problems his family dint agree for our marriage ,and then he got too emotional and stressedwith all this so he left trying because he thought no one is able to understand him and he just left all.after that he said me we will be freind sbut i said him i dnt want to.but he and me couldnt stay away from each other …because we loved each other .but then too many fights started because of not marrying ,baming each other saying bad things ,crying,aner,frustration,depression,stress..this all since 1 1/2 year.and in the end he one month back he said me he still loves me..his eyes show he loves me too deeply.but then he said i am a very bad person and not understanding how hell he was going through and still i blamed him.he said me he will never forgive me andhe left..he said he very angry and disappointd at me and anyways he is not going to marry now,because he has some alternate plans for carreer and future he said .i said him he is not forgiving because he has too much ego and he never wanted me ,finally he said he never wants to see my face and he hates me too much and said i am ver horrible person to spend life with .i m today at 13 days of no contact .is there any hope he will come back ?there was too much blaming,using bad words and all but his eyes always said he loved me.dont know.will he come back ?i gave him too much importance and begged him to come back but he never ..he is too egostic.
    first we used to work at same place also ,now we are not workign at same place and never will .
    even if we were working at same place he used to ignore me too much,making me feel unwanted because he used to think i m only coming to meet him to fight and blame him.and when he used to ignore me i used to get frustrated and in anger i used to say some shit to him.he used to avoid me.and now my image has become horrible in front of him.and even my family started not liking him because he called my family saying all negative things about me ,this reason he gave for not marrying me.he forgot all the love and happiness for which he came begging me once !! and now all his ego has taken the place !!!hwo can someone not give a person a second chance when the same person once accepted them the second time!!!will this no contact help ?or he will just concentrate on his carreer and other freinda and family only ?even in his family he said something bad about me ,the reaon for not marrying me,he gave me very mean,rude and bad words also ,because i was begging him too much,he dint value any of my tears

    • John Carpenter says:

      That comment was meant for Meera but it’s just as relevant to Emma.

    • thanx john,i hope i get over soon,even i am too much tired of crying and you are right even if he gave me chance ,it wont be again the same love .

      • John Carpenter says:

        Just remember, Meera, the pain and all the crazy thoughts, are the result of very real neuro-chemical things we feel when certain brain chemicals, i.e., dopamine, oxytocin, etc; are no longer available to us.

        If we stay the course and cut off all communication it takes about three weeks to a month for a sufficient amount of these chemicals to be produced, kick in, and relieve the acute distress you’re feeling.

        However, if you stay the course, the pull this guy has on you will disappear and you’ll wonder why you ever let the thought of being without him bother you.

        • Jeremy Bailey says:

          Hello John, I’m on day10 of NC after a heartbreaking breakup that is killing me, thanks putting things into a factual perspective. Helps me to understand these feelings that are driving me crazy!

  • Dear Eddie,

    Please help!

    I was dating this guy for approx 3 months. During this time he pushed me away und pulled me back constantly. He never wanted a relationship but I always did. I never put pressure on him but subconsciously he was under pressure.
    We could have great time together and then he would be completely distant for days. We are completly different, he is not willing to commit and rather be single and I am looking for that one love. The only thing we were completely compatible was sex.
    We broke up 3 weeks ago. It ended in a big fight where we talked about our expectations. I tried to stay away from him but… we are working together. And I always feel the urge to contact him.

    Last week we talked and I asked him to continue what we had and that I want to be with him but he doesn’t want to be with me. He says he is jealous seeing me with people, talking and laughing and he wants to be close but then he doesn’t. He wants me to be happy but he knows he cannot give me the relationship that I want. The talk was mature, I didn’t beg for him and I didn’t cry. He said he is 90% sure that he doesn’t want to be with me.
    But after the talk we slept together. It was (as always) amazing as we we feel a connection between us.

    Since that night I haven’t contacted him and ignored his two messages. It’s day 5 today.

    Do you think there is a chance of getting him back and if so – how?
    And what about my behaviour at work?

    Thanks a lot for all your help.

    • John Carpenter says:

      Emma,

      There are a few things you might want to consider:

      He called you a “psycho” and “a very bad person”. He said he would marry you but his family didn’t agree to the marriage; he said no one understands him. He said he would never forgive you for whatever injury he believes you caused him. He said he hates you and never wants to see your face again. His perception of you escalated from you being merely a very bad person to a horrible person.

      He called your family to discuss your private lives…or worse.

      Listen to me very carefully:

      I don’t know how old you are. That doesn’t matter. I experienced something similar. The girl told me she couldn’t stand to look at my face after years of being devoted to me. Love NEVER dies a natural death. It either is murdered and withers and perishes from neglect.

      The day came when she told me she was marrying somebody else–this came after numerous instances where I would see “love” in her eyes one day and contempt the next. I know now the thing in her eyes was the “ghost” of love that had been murdered by her and had it not been, it would have died from neglect.

      As I write this, I’m looking at pictures of an amazing woman. The one I waited for for years. I
      went no contact with the other girl to protect her parents from discovering the kinds of things she was into. She had committed a crime (unknowingly), been abusing drugs, and was having an affair with a married man.

      That was SIXTEEN years ago. The first month or so was very painful but I realized it had NOTHING to do with love or the girl herself. In a very real sense, a breakup is like a brain injury. The pain is real and it takes anywhere from three weeks to a month for the pain to subside just like it might take someone addicted to heroine to feel normal again.

      I can not tell you what to do. I can only tell you sticking out “no contact” was one of the best gifts I ever gave myself. There truly is not enough money in the world that would induce me to want to spend ONE HOUR with the girl who I once would have given everything for to be given a second chance.

      You will never know how wonderful it feels to break free from someone who gives you cause to cry and for what its worth, when someone loves you, they will never make you cry.

      You should also know that even if he gives you another chance, you don’t start off with a clean slate. You’ll be back at that same place with all the same problems to work through. The chances of a successful reconciliation are very small.

      The chances, however, of you finding someone who is right to you if you cut this guy loose once and for all are better than you would imagine. I wish you could see the way the woman in my life looks at me. Then you would know what the look of love really looks like.

      I fear when you look into his eyes, you quite likely confuse the thing you see with love

  • My ex left me since his parents didnt approve our relationship.His marriage has been fixed with another girl.He broke up with me telling that our relation will cause problems in future since i wouldn’t be respected in his home.So he left me asking me to find a guy more suited for me than him.
    I believe that if his parents really loved him they would accept their son’s choice.Is it possible that he didn’t love enough because I don’t see him suffering because of our fate but I just feel too shocked to live without him?
    Will i be able to get him more stronger to convince his parents that he cannot live without me by keeping the NC for 30 days