The Cruelty Of The No Contact Rule

Everyone who has ever started following the No Contact Rule knows about its relentlessness, even its cruelty sometimes.

But once we understand that the rule is actually there to protect us from even more pain, sorrow and disappointment – once we realize that breaking it means a huge leap backward in our recovery, following it gets a little bit easier.

But how do we come to such an understanding?

Well, first of all, many of us break the No Contact Rule before the 60 days run out and experience the devastating consequences.

This often works as a “reset” to get us back on track and motivates us to start the healing process finally.

Or we simply know and trust that breaking the rule means facing a completely changed Ex, and everything unpleasant that comes with it.

Sometimes the fear of such an experience is simply enough to keep you on track.

I miss you. I can’t call, because it would only hurt me.

I found the above quote on a forum somewhere, and it really touched me deeply.

Standing there all on its own, an outcry of a bleeding heart.

The No Contact Rule and all its pitfalls condensed into just a few words.

A No Contact manifest.

Is the rule cruel? Oh yes, it is … but it is also just.

Use this quote as a reminder to hang in there, and to NOT contact your Ex. No matter how much you want to.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

  • Very confused:
    I met J on August/15 and he did the full blown pursuit. Calling me every day, 4 to 5 times a day, extensive text messages and all the fun emojis and so on. On May/16 he told me he need space and time alone and cut all text messages, except to tell me when he was close to my house so I know to busy him in. No more flirty messages and emojis and the calls became every other day. Than I noticed when he had new interest he would become colder and avoid coming over. There were times where he would go a month without seeing me. He than started to say mean things and do mean things to push me to break up. Things like offending me, picking on my self steam and even using other female to cause a fight and get me to break up. We did have a fight and he took the opportunity to break up. He than wanted to stay friends and we end up in a casual relationship. He told me that we were friends, but where I was confused is how could he see me as just friends and come see me twice per week and have such great sex. He told me” I do not love you and I am not in love with you, but when I am having sex with you, I am not having sex, I am making love to you. I said I do not love you and am not in live with you because I did not want you to think because I am making love with you, that I am in love with you”. He broke up with me in September and we stayed casual until last February 12th. I went to have my hair done close to his work and I saw him coming back from a walk with a woman and they hugged goodbye and kissed. I was very upset and he came over very late that night after work, I looked into his wallet to see if he had her phone number or any information on her. He noticed I went on his wallet and when he called me and questioned me the next day I told him the truth, I also told him I saw him with the other woman. He told me that” here you come with the trust thing again”. But how can I trust him when he spends the night at my house, just “made love with me” and goes on the bathroom at 4:00AM and goes on whatsapp and text the other woman/women? When I mentioned whatsapp, he says his friend keeps sending him video of naked women. He than gives his phone for me to look at it, and there is women saying she wishes she had the money to by an airfare to come visit him. He told me if I wanted to look at it I should just have asked and he would have showed me. I broke up with him when he kept pushing the wallet issue. I told him I was wrong, I apologized, but I broke up the casual thing with him. He told me we were just friends and if he invited a woman for a walk or for a dinner date, he wouldn’t tell me because it is not my business. I felt like crap once again. He is “separated” which I know have doubts since everything was a secret from his “ex” so he might not be separated after all. When he broke up with me in September he wanted to stay friends. Since I broke up we talked once, and he went away on vacation. He texted me when he got to his destination to tell me he landed sound and safe and he text me again when he landed at his second destination. He told me would text me when he landed back home and he did not. He was coming on WhatsApp and checking on me to see when I was there last, when he sees I am online he would get off quickly. He did this for four weeks and for the past week he is doing less and less and the past couple days he only came on whatsapp once. I feel are both using the no contact rule. Question is: is he doing the no contact? I am little confused. I text him to see if they had a nice vacation ( he went with his son) and he texted 8 hours later saying they had a great time, thanks. nothing else since. it was a week ago. He has my belongings and we were supposed to arrange for him to return it. should I contact him about it? or wait for him to contact me? why is he checking me up on whatsapp? if he did not love me, care for me, why is he checking me up? was he bluffing about not caring about me? help me here please. Thanks

    • Hi anna. By the description of how he treated you and the things he said to you the answer is no, that is not love at all. He is treating you like a place holder someone to have in his life for physical pleasure and maybe some companionship but that is not love by the slightest. Don’t allow him to continue to treat you as if your unworthy and unvaluable because you are valuable. If you know that you still have emotional ties to him and view him more than just a casual companion don’t accept anything less than what you want if he cant provide that just cut ties until you heal your heart, because you will be the one hurt and settling. Never allow a man to treat you second or third to anybody. He either treat you with compassion, love and respect or he’s just not qualified to be with you.

      • Dear friend your story sounds identical to my own. Married for 36 years I’m 49 he’s 51. He’s cheated lied left me 2 times within the 36 yrs. 1st time he said he wasn’t ready to be a husband or father and made me and our 2 daughters move out I was very hurt sad and young and worried for my baby’s were only 6 and 4. Not realizing of NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER . I waiting for him for 4 yrs to come back to us. I loved vet very deeply.
        My loyalty to him was something he did not deserve or gave any thought too.
        AnywY he came back magically we had another daughter he bought me a house a car I went back to work good job everything was going great. Until he started his crap again. And what I thought could never ever happened back then to us would happen again.
        It did…. he started cheating and I was shocked and Desperate and devestated. My world came crushing down . He moved out and I tried to be strong while dying in the inside. 2006 time. He came back to me 2009 in 2012 I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer stage 3 it’s been an emotional rollercoaster im ok thanks to my family in Redmition now all is good. However 2018.
        He started acting weird and hiding he’s cell phone not home after work some nights we fight he start this on purpose so he could take off. Then he left and never came back. I’m emotionally detached from my everything everyone. I don’t like to be around anyone either but it’s essential to love your self and try hard to wake and take it slow. No contact for me is best. Sorry if my words our a little off.

    • Vivian Gabrianna Harden says:

      I’m going through something similar…

  • Well mines a very tricky situation. I was in a relationship with M but it wasn’t very good but I loved him so instead of ending the relationship I had a 15 month affair with a friend. I know I know not my finest hour. This friend R fell in love with me and I was very confused with my feelings and felt like R was pushing me into leaving M. R then told me he’d met someone and we were over and I went into complete meltdown. He said he was going to block me and on the 10th Feb that’s what he did. I tried to call and text on friends phones but he was having none of it. I have ended things with M as I realised it was R I loved but I’ve not seen or heard from him since. Is he doing the 30 day no contact rule or has he left me for good?

  • Me and my ex gf broke up about a month ago, on good terms though. She said she was overwhelmed with family issues and me constantly wanting to see her. She has a 5 year old child and she is 24 herself Im 25. We never argued and she told me everything that was on her mind finally one night all through text and ended up breaking up with me at the end. 2 weeks later she calls me over and we end up having sex for the next couple days, I kind of regret it because it put me back to square 1 for my feelings for her. Over the next couple weeks I text her once or twice a week and we talk about random stuff. I havn’t messaged her in about a week but this is my question. If I do the No Contact rule for about 30 days, do you think there is a chance she will think about/miss me? We have eachother on all social media we are friends but I feel like every now and then she just wants sex. Havnt seen her in about 2 weeks, opinions?

    • John Carpenter says:

      Move on. Study after study has shown trying to reconcile with a former partner is almost an invitation to frustration, failure, and greater heartbreak.

      The “no contact” rule should be used to “withdraw” from the former partner just as one would stop smoking or drinking. One doesn’t go into rehab just to come out clean to start drinking or using again.

  • My ex bf and I broke up for 6 yrs in 2007 and went back together in 2013.I fell pregnant immediately after got back things were on and off and we decided to do it for the child.I felt like i was single and only the mother of his child then I dumped him May 2016.He comes monthly bringing baby stuff even though we didn’t talk.Then his dad passed on and he sent me a message thats when we started talking.Last week he posted on facebook that all his ex gfs must delete his numbers as he wants to move on and dont need distractions.So i no longer wants to see him and wants to apply a no contact rule for 60 days.He will speak to my eldest daughter when he bring baby’s stuff and they will meet at the gate.Am I doing the right thing?

    • John Carpenter says:

      You really have no choice. He’s the father of your child and unless there is an abusive or otherwise dangerous element to his visitations, he either has been granted the rights by a court or would be to see your child.

      Frankly, I’m confused why you would even think of “No Contact” for any amount of time since it is quite likely that unless he has no affection for the child, your paths are going to cross and matters pertaining to its welfare will have to be discussed. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to discuss the child for one reason or another unless he disappears.

      Forget about your own self interest; like it or not, you’re a mother now and the child’s welfare is more important than your relationship with this man or any reason you have to play the “no contact” game.

  • Me and my ex were in a relationship for 1 year. Things went pretty fast and we were living together. There had been a lot of fighting and ups and downs but we made through a lot of it. Our parents were involved and we were considering marriage in the near future. Last month he lost it on my talking to a senior over facebook and it was just a regular work related conversation, he considered it random and lost it. One thing led to another, parents got roped in and it got very bad. I obviously moved out and we stayed off each other for a week. I had also said and done stupid things so I gave my best to sort things out and apologize but he wouldn’t budge. We stopped talking altogether and then he goes puts direct cheating and hurtful posts on instagram. Then all his friends unfriended me. When we did end up talking he felt no remorse and said it was over. It’s been 2 weeks to that and I haven’t contacted him. Yesterday he called me and on not responding he left me texts saying he wants to meet up and end things on a good note before finally parting ways since he feels we’re not meant to be together. When I didn’t reply, he blocked me on fb and texted my mom saying he doesn’t think it will work out (they were really close). I have been on a no contact period for 2 weeks now and will continue to do so. I’ve omitted a lot of details but this the long story cut short. I really need some good advice.

    • John Carpenter says:

      I wouldn’t know whether this advice is good or bad but it’s sound and what I would give to any woman I cared for: any man who uses social media to publicly humiliate a current or former partner or who uses such forums to divulge matters that should have been kept between the two of you is not the kind of man I would want to be involved with.

      I have no idea how old you are, your ethnicity, or experience with relationships, and so I must rely on assumptions. I do not think it is unreasonable to suggest that your history with this man of “a lot of fighting” and “ups and downs” paints a picture of two people who either not ready for a relationship, are willing to tolerate unacceptable behavior in a partner, or who ignorantly or innocently believe that the level of conflict in your relationship is tolerable.

      Essentially this guy is saying, “O.K. . I defamed you publicly, told my friends to kick you to the curb, I don’t want you in my future but let’s end this on a ‘good note.”

      What bullshit!

      As things stand now, that cannot happen and his attempt to make it happen is very suspect but I will give him the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to him being immature rather than insensitive.

      So here’s the bottom line. Don’t agree to meet him and do not contact him in any way. It may take another two or three weeks but at the end of that time you’ll be seeing things clearer and hopefully asking yourself why you allowed yourself to become involved with someone who would be so vindictive and callous.

  • me and my ex were in relationship for 3 years.for the first year we were very happy with each other.but he dint comit me ,he used to say he is happy with me in such type of a relationship only without marriage.at the end of 1 year we had a fight and i said something ,he was very angry and said me i am a psycho girl and he will never talk to me ever again and get lost.i tried contacting him,but he blocked me dint reply to my messages.so i decided to move on after 10 days of trying ,and mean while my marriage got fixed with some other boy,i told him,he got very angry saying how can i do that ?he said he realized that he loves me a lott and will marry me,but due to some problems his family dint agree for our marriage ,and then he got too emotional and stressedwith all this so he left trying because he thought no one is able to understand him and he just left all.after that he said me we will be freind sbut i said him i dnt want to.but he and me couldnt stay away from each other …because we loved each other .but then too many fights started because of not marrying ,baming each other saying bad things ,crying,aner,frustration,depression,stress..this all since 1 1/2 year.and in the end he one month back he said me he still loves me..his eyes show he loves me too deeply.but then he said i am a very bad person and not understanding how hell he was going through and still i blamed him.he said me he will never forgive me andhe left..he said he very angry and disappointd at me and anyways he is not going to marry now,because he has some alternate plans for carreer and future he said .i said him he is not forgiving because he has too much ego and he never wanted me ,finally he said he never wants to see my face and he hates me too much and said i am ver horrible person to spend life with .i m today at 13 days of no contact .is there any hope he will come back ?there was too much blaming,using bad words and all but his eyes always said he loved me.dont know.will he come back ?i gave him too much importance and begged him to come back but he never ..he is too egostic.
    first we used to work at same place also ,now we are not workign at same place and never will .
    even if we were working at same place he used to ignore me too much,making me feel unwanted because he used to think i m only coming to meet him to fight and blame him.and when he used to ignore me i used to get frustrated and in anger i used to say some shit to him.he used to avoid me.and now my image has become horrible in front of him.and even my family started not liking him because he called my family saying all negative things about me ,this reason he gave for not marrying me.he forgot all the love and happiness for which he came begging me once !! and now all his ego has taken the place !!!hwo can someone not give a person a second chance when the same person once accepted them the second time!!!will this no contact help ?or he will just concentrate on his carreer and other freinda and family only ?even in his family he said something bad about me ,the reaon for not marrying me,he gave me very mean,rude and bad words also ,because i was begging him too much,he dint value any of my tears

    • John Carpenter says:

      That comment was meant for Meera but it’s just as relevant to Emma.

    • thanx john,i hope i get over soon,even i am too much tired of crying and you are right even if he gave me chance ,it wont be again the same love .

      • John Carpenter says:

        Just remember, Meera, the pain and all the crazy thoughts, are the result of very real neuro-chemical things we feel when certain brain chemicals, i.e., dopamine, oxytocin, etc; are no longer available to us.

        If we stay the course and cut off all communication it takes about three weeks to a month for a sufficient amount of these chemicals to be produced, kick in, and relieve the acute distress you’re feeling.

        However, if you stay the course, the pull this guy has on you will disappear and you’ll wonder why you ever let the thought of being without him bother you.

        • Jeremy Bailey says:

          Hello John, I’m on day10 of NC after a heartbreaking breakup that is killing me, thanks putting things into a factual perspective. Helps me to understand these feelings that are driving me crazy!

  • Dear Eddie,

    Please help!

    I was dating this guy for approx 3 months. During this time he pushed me away und pulled me back constantly. He never wanted a relationship but I always did. I never put pressure on him but subconsciously he was under pressure.
    We could have great time together and then he would be completely distant for days. We are completly different, he is not willing to commit and rather be single and I am looking for that one love. The only thing we were completely compatible was sex.
    We broke up 3 weeks ago. It ended in a big fight where we talked about our expectations. I tried to stay away from him but… we are working together. And I always feel the urge to contact him.

    Last week we talked and I asked him to continue what we had and that I want to be with him but he doesn’t want to be with me. He says he is jealous seeing me with people, talking and laughing and he wants to be close but then he doesn’t. He wants me to be happy but he knows he cannot give me the relationship that I want. The talk was mature, I didn’t beg for him and I didn’t cry. He said he is 90% sure that he doesn’t want to be with me.
    But after the talk we slept together. It was (as always) amazing as we we feel a connection between us.

    Since that night I haven’t contacted him and ignored his two messages. It’s day 5 today.

    Do you think there is a chance of getting him back and if so – how?
    And what about my behaviour at work?

    Thanks a lot for all your help.

    • John Carpenter says:

      Emma,

      There are a few things you might want to consider:

      He called you a “psycho” and “a very bad person”. He said he would marry you but his family didn’t agree to the marriage; he said no one understands him. He said he would never forgive you for whatever injury he believes you caused him. He said he hates you and never wants to see your face again. His perception of you escalated from you being merely a very bad person to a horrible person.

      He called your family to discuss your private lives…or worse.

      Listen to me very carefully:

      I don’t know how old you are. That doesn’t matter. I experienced something similar. The girl told me she couldn’t stand to look at my face after years of being devoted to me. Love NEVER dies a natural death. It either is murdered and withers and perishes from neglect.

      The day came when she told me she was marrying somebody else–this came after numerous instances where I would see “love” in her eyes one day and contempt the next. I know now the thing in her eyes was the “ghost” of love that had been murdered by her and had it not been, it would have died from neglect.

      As I write this, I’m looking at pictures of an amazing woman. The one I waited for for years. I
      went no contact with the other girl to protect her parents from discovering the kinds of things she was into. She had committed a crime (unknowingly), been abusing drugs, and was having an affair with a married man.

      That was SIXTEEN years ago. The first month or so was very painful but I realized it had NOTHING to do with love or the girl herself. In a very real sense, a breakup is like a brain injury. The pain is real and it takes anywhere from three weeks to a month for the pain to subside just like it might take someone addicted to heroine to feel normal again.

      I can not tell you what to do. I can only tell you sticking out “no contact” was one of the best gifts I ever gave myself. There truly is not enough money in the world that would induce me to want to spend ONE HOUR with the girl who I once would have given everything for to be given a second chance.

      You will never know how wonderful it feels to break free from someone who gives you cause to cry and for what its worth, when someone loves you, they will never make you cry.

      You should also know that even if he gives you another chance, you don’t start off with a clean slate. You’ll be back at that same place with all the same problems to work through. The chances of a successful reconciliation are very small.

      The chances, however, of you finding someone who is right to you if you cut this guy loose once and for all are better than you would imagine. I wish you could see the way the woman in my life looks at me. Then you would know what the look of love really looks like.

      I fear when you look into his eyes, you quite likely confuse the thing you see with love

  • My ex left me since his parents didnt approve our relationship.His marriage has been fixed with another girl.He broke up with me telling that our relation will cause problems in future since i wouldn’t be respected in his home.So he left me asking me to find a guy more suited for me than him.
    I believe that if his parents really loved him they would accept their son’s choice.Is it possible that he didn’t love enough because I don’t see him suffering because of our fate but I just feel too shocked to live without him?
    Will i be able to get him more stronger to convince his parents that he cannot live without me by keeping the NC for 30 days

    • John Carpenter says:

      Laila, I’m assuming because you said your “ex” has agreed to an arranged marriage that you might be Indian or from another country where this tradition is still a part of the culture.

      It’s really not important whether or not his parents love him, the only important issue is that he seemingly doesn’t love you enough. I suggest this is the case because you state that he seems
      prepared to move on without experiencing any sense of loss about breaking things off with you.

      A break-up can be extremely painful. There are two things you should know, however. First, your pain is the pain of withdrawal. That is, when we are with someone for a long period of time (and sometimes for a relatively short period) the brain produces two neurohormones: serotonin and oxytocin. When that person is no longer with us (suddenly) the brain is no longer producing those chemicals and we feel real pain in addition to depression and many other symptoms. IF we walk away and don’t look back–call it “no-contact”–after a period of acute pain that can last a few weeks or a month our brain chemistry begins to return to normal and the pain begins to diminish but if we make ANY attempt to contact that person or that person contacts us, we are like addicts trying to kick cocaine or heroine who scores another fix and the pain can return.

      It’s been a long time since I was in your situation but on two occasions, as much as it grieved me, I had to walk away. On one occasion the girl wanted to stay in touch as friends, I said, “I’m sorry, but I’m not comfortable with that.” (She told me she was getting engaged to someone else.) It wasn’t easy but in about six or seven weeks, the pain had disappeared. More importantly, in about three months I could be genuinely thankful she did break it off with me. As I look back, I would have been very uncomfortable with her family (her parents) who never gave me the impression I was someone they wanted to marry their daughter.

      On the second occasion I made one last call to the girl I had been with for many years after I discovered she had been cheating. I did not say I would not call her again but I never did, nor did she make any attempt to contact me. That was 14 years ago and I can honestly say I am again so thankful things turned out the way they did because it gave me the opportunity to meet someone who was so much better for me.

      A man I know told me about a woman who was heartbroken because her fiancee broke off their engagement. She prayed day after day that he would change his mind. He didn’t. My friend said he hadn’t seen the woman for four or five years but when he bumped into her she was married, her husband was an amazing guy, and she had a small child. He said, “Well, I guess your prayers were answered and she said, “Yes, but not as I had hoped for. I wanted my former fiancee back; God said, ‘No’ and sent me this man who is wonderful. I also heard that the man I wanted to marry had so much money because he was an embezzler and he is now in prison. I am so thankful the way things worked out.”

      Right now you no doubt feel certain that this man is the love of your life but if you let go of that certainty, you WILL find wonderful things are possible and like so many others you will learn that sometimes the only thing worse than not getting what you want is getting it.

      “No contact” is not about changing others; it is about discovering our strength and healing from a wound.

      The choice is yours: look back or move on.

    • he doesnt love you enough . id he loved you he would have neve agreed marrying some other girl .he would have tried for you .and remember if a man wants something he will get it somehow.
      seriously move on…and get yourself a nice guy who will value you and your feelings.

  • i had a long 5 year relationship.everything was going good..i was more emotionally attached with him than he was.i was never demanding …but suddenly he asked me to be just friends…i realised that he do not feel the same for me now…i accepted and agreed to be like friends..but then he stopped answering my calls and told me that friends do not talk daily….i felt heart broken..he never asked for break up but what happened was more painful..and then i came to know he is having affair with her neighbour…i have accpted that we cannot be together..but i cannot accept this feeling of being rejected by one to who i love madly..for him i am nothing now..now i end up sending him long texts begging him to talk to me..but he dont even reply…what should i do?advices are happily accepted

    • Christian McKnight says:

      I have experienced on two occasions a similar painful experience as both you, Reeta, and Annie.
      The belief that you love this person “madly” is just that a belief–an emotion, and one which is not to be trusted.

      It took me quite a while, once I realized the truth (that I had not thought at all about the qualities I wanted in a woman) to realize the woman I was blaming for my heartache had little in common with the kind of woman I really needed. I doubt that if Annie had really thought about it she would not have wanted a relationship that would be long term since nearly 70% fail. Nor, Reeta, do I believe you have accepted not being together. How could that be possible when you admit you send long texts to him begging him to talk to you. Until you stop cease communications with him you will continue to suffer. I have been forced into this position three times in my life, twice in the past 18 months, and every time I did two things, my “recovery” began and my suffering eventually faded away.

      First, I realized that I had allowed myself to become emotionally involved with a woman that violated three rules I had established: NEVER attempt to kindle a relationship with someone who is already involved with someone else (i.e., is in a relationship, engaged, married, or on the “rebound”, and, second, if broke that rule, stop chasing them with texts, emails, or whatever. I could respond to a text–briefly–but NEVER initiate contact. That gave me a sense of control over things.

      Then I came up with my own “Twelve Rules to End a Relationship”

      1. Make it seem as if the fever has broken. I realized I could imagine I no longer was in love with the person and as a result I treated her as a casual acquaintance if our paths crossed.

      2. By degree, I simply reduced the attention I gave that person. That alone was more than enough. The chances are good that the oil which kept the flame of this person’s affection for you was the excessive attention you placed on that person. Slowly cut off the supply of that attention and you may no longer seem as attractive to them. In fact, he (or she) if they thrived on your attention may leave skid marks getting away from you.

      3. I Reminded myself constantly: “I haven’t lost a thing. I only IMAGINED I was TRULY loved by that person but as it turned out that wasn’t the case at all.

      4. If she called, I kept it short to avoid arguments–just as I as with an acquaintance. I tapered down our communications from 15 minutes to eventually three or four minutes and I was always the first to end the call or texting.

      5. I Let my passion fade away in gentle stages. I didn’t put a timetable on it.

      6. I never would allow myself to hate someone who couldn’t return my affection. Hating someone who may be bearing wounds become infected and prevent you from connecting with someone who you will know was much better for you.

      7. When a woman broke off with me, if it was because of someone else I admitted to myself that the one I loved desired his love and not mine. As soon as I saw that guy as someone who solved a problem for me (making me see that I was living a fiction) I could actually feel a measure of gratitude because he helped free me from living a lie.

      8. I resolved not to believe when the relationship was over not to believe her sweet words (i.e., “I miss you… .” carried any weight. I chose to err on the side of caution.

      9. Even though little by little I found my affection for the woman growing less and less, I never let it be known why my affection had cooled. In time, my ex would l know or guess and it really wouldn’t matter.

      10. I resolved to grieve silently.

      11. I believed that as soon as you could truly wish the guy who had come between me and my ex well, I was free–and that was true.

      12. I compared any former ex to the kind of person I really knew was best for me. I made the first quality of the man or woman I would like to be involved with be that she at least gave me some indication I was the kind of guy she could fall in love with, and, stay in love with me.

      Surprisingly, this happened much sooner than expected. So, much so that I became truly thankful that the relationships which caused so much confusion, self loathing, and pain ended and the door was open for someone much better to walk through.

      Tonight, as I write this, I can tell you that by doing these things and eventually “letting go” of the women I had allowed to cause me such pain, I experience a feeling of unspeakable happiness.

      So, what should you do? Walk away and never look back–until you have found someone who treasures you–and then you can look back and feel profoundly grateful that the guy who caused you to ask this question is forever out of your life.

  • I have a serious question to ask to get out if this brain fog.

    If an ex who broke up with you by text began texting you 11months later and said,”You hurt me more than words can say but, I’m still in love with you but you knew that…” and proceeded with cutsey talk, I’ll always be in love with you, more cutsey talk, a random bitchy comment about a friend of his I do not know, pics of his new dog, jokes, I miss yous, I love you….” ect and you poured your heart out to them, absolutely all of it, along with mistakes I’ve made, while reciprocating his feelings and then some…. We were seeing eachother for almost 10 years at that point, half long distance (soo much stuff in this relationship)….and the last text he responded to (tried calling once and he said he was,”indisposed at the moment”)..so he kept on texting and I thought,”Ooo well, he’s not quite ready to talk…” and kept texting.

    Anyway, I was soo heartbroken I normally avoided where he used to live most of the time….but on New Years last year I had to drop someone off past his little town. 10 years and I decided to just go to his old neighborhood to see how it would feel….then found a very special place we went to once, him holding my hand, a rock outcropping and climbed it in the rain. I took pictures and you coukd see the surrounding city…

    I sent him those pics of our old special place and he replied with,”loved the pictures!! ;-)”

    Then nothing….

    A mutual friend removed by 2 people through the grapevine told me two weeks later. “He’s moved on..” He had a gf!!

    After 10 years….

    I texted him I sick of your lies and lies by omission!!!!

    Then he finally replied with,”FUCK YOU for using semantics!!! All I meant was I’m happy you moved on because I have and yes I’m dating a friend, she’s quite nice! I want even dating her then!!(two week gap of him not responding) and that I carpet bombed him with messages….it’s Never going to fucking happen!!!!

    What woukd be your take on this scenario?!! Then we video chatted for 6 months, promised he’d come down by my birthday….didn’t…

    I miss my old love and we were together soo long…

    WTF is going on!!!

  • My ex and I dated for 3 years. She moved into my place. It was great! Best time of my life, had a proposal worked out for the fall. I finally found the one. I was 40 went I met her, she was 23, that was the only hang up in me not proposing earlier…her maturity.

    About 2.5 years into it, she slipped into a depression. Mild at first, then more severe. I did not understand what was going on, I just stayed nice and tried to help. But she grew more and more and more negative and ended being very dismissive towards me. Said and did many hurtful things. I tried discussing boundaries. I tried speaking with her parents about her condition. Prompted her to go seek counciling. I tried, I tried.

    She slowly withdrew and was generally unhappy until last fall she broke it off. She stated she did not feel the same way about me and did not think we should get married. I was crushed. I did, and still very much do love this woman despite her issues.

    I did the talk it out dance for three months. She gave me the cold shoulder….so I finally walked away and asked her to move out. She went into more of depression and asked to stay a while until she got her things in order. I agreed.

    After a month or so we slowly started talking and hanging out again. No sex though, and she stayed in own room and paid some rent. We started getting closer again but then she became dismissive again a few months later. It got very confusing so I tried a series of discussions with her that I thought we needed work it out and move forward….or move on after 4 years of being together and a future that she sees as still questionable. She finally stated she still loved me but all she could offer was friendship, and left for a Holiday weekend to spend with a male friend…..to which I was crushed yet again. I had no choice to ask her to move out. Just too difficult being rejected yet again and getting the cold shoulder.

    So I went no contact. I explained to her in advance that it not some mind game. I explained that I am addicted to her, I loved her, and the only way I break the addiction was limit my exposure to the drug. I explained that I had always willing to ride out her emotional issues with her if she had not abandoned us and would had been willing to work it out….but I needed time away from her to get over the loss. I gave her a move out date that was very generous…all things considered.

    We had a series of fights the few times we spoke after …mostly initiated by me and my frustration with her. That lasted a month or so. She has sought some help but is not the same person from a year ago. She is slowly moving her stuff out…and each item I see disappear is like a small knife into my soul.

    I did not see or talk to her for 3 weeks. It gave me some time and I am finally feeling a little better. We spoke after three weeks. I can tell she is lonely and wants to do things with me again…but I simply cant. I am crushed. It hurts and she is preparing to move to another state. I wanted a wife, a partner the way we were for years….not another friend that I hold feelings for and watch move on to consider dating other people.

    Sometimes “talking it out” only prolongs the pain. I would had better off staying away last winter when I first gave up. I did what I could over and over again and keeping my distance now is helping me and limiting my exposure to the toxic atmosphere. I do feel really bad that she is lonely, and would snap my finger to make that go away for her, but I am simply devastated and need to find a way to move on.

    I am staying away until I am back to myself again. Keeping busy. Running. Taking classes. Avoiding her until she moves out. NC is for me, not to play some mind game….and it is helping. I did leave the door a crack open by stating that I felt she really needed to get some professional help for herself, not us…and that if she did that and harboured feelings…then who knows what the future may hold.

  • I could write an essay about my situation but I’ll keep it short.. How do you enforce the no contact rule when you have a 2 year old with them and your 7 months pregnant with their 2nd child?

    • I am on my 28 day of NC and after the first shock I start feeling the pain more and more now. I guess its because of the shock is gone now and also as I stronger now to process it. I cry often and I feel upset for being treated like a trash. But then it was me who allowed it. I treated myself like a shit then. But still I want to scream out at her face that it was not right the way how she ended it then I also understand her own pain and because we all bring our baggage to the relationships, we need to heal those old injuries first of all. What had happened as it enforced me to look inside and start to sort out my own stuff. I am looking for what I have to learn from this and I have to forgive her and first of all myself for letting it happen. We have to love ourselves. I recommend inner child bonding work. It is not for everyone but maybe it will help someone. Because it seems to work:) Good luck to everyone. We deserve the best.

  • Hi
    The no contact has helped me getting over my cheating husband of 20 years. I finally had enough. I filed for divorce went no contact (only through lawyers) took him to court for all of his money and came out the winner. No contact was my lifesaver,my road back to sanity. It gave me clarity and strength to stop loving him. Now divorced almost 2 years no contact. I don’t want any man who is capable of cheating with a young co worker. Please, she can have him. No contact was his consequence fif being an adulterer, an inappropriate spouse, a liar and a cheater. It was my closure, on my terms and conditions. You reap what you sow.

  • It’s my 3rd day of NC and I am feeling very sad not because I miss him but because I allowed myself to be fooled by him once again. We have been dating on and off for the past 5 years and every time he would lie to me in the past, I would take him back but not this time. I’ve had enough of his him and his bullshit. I can’t take the shame and humiliation anymore. My heart is broken. I need to heal

    I caught him with his married lover of 3 years. He told her he didn’t love me and he would never give her up. I was devastated at this news especially after knowing how bad he treated me. She says he writes erotic love poems to her everyday and now they are free to marry and tour the world as planned.

    I feel so ashamed for hiding all the horrible things to me. I cant believed I allowed him to hit me, choked me, put scars on my breasts. I even allowed him to call me names like a nigga and a stupid bitch when I refuse to have sex with him. I feel so ashamed that I allowed someone to do that to me.

  • Today is the 23rd day. I had to get his name removed from some legal documents. I sent the documents electronically. He didn’t do what was necessary. I texted him and asked if he would attend to this so we would not have this legal tie. He texted me back and said he had forgotten to send the documents, and proceeded to tell me that he had emotionally flat-lined where I was concerned. Really? Was this really necessary? I didn’t ask about his emotional condition, I simply asked him to proceed with severing this legal tie. Emotional flat-lining is actually a symptom of depression and /or anti-depressant use, but I think in this case he was trying to tell me that he was indifferent to me now. Ok, fine. Was it really necessary to tell me that? I was finally getting a slow grip on this, having more better days than bad, even waking up once in a while without thinking of him, and now instead of respecting my wishes to sever this tie he wants to punch me in the face. I don’t get it. I don’t want to hurt him, not anymore. My initial anger had subsided and I was letting the past go. I just wanted his name off these accounts. I really didn’t need to hear this. Now I’m angry and hurt and bleeding all over again.

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