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3. Do it in person
Always talk to your partner in person. Never use email, text messages or a letter.
I know this is tempting because it’s much easier for you, but it would also be another type of betrayal. You owe your partner that you look him in the eye when you break up with him. It’s a question of loyalty and moral—an unwritten law.
Not to speak that it’s easier for the person left behind to face the break up when you tell him/her personally.
Never walk away from this painful burden. Be fair.
4. Know what and how to say it – be prepared
This is anything but easy. You have to be well prepared—you have to know what to say in advance.
You must reckon that your partner is shocked. Even if the break up announced itself for a long time, it will come out of the blue for him/her. The “no contact” before can soften this.
There can be various reactions. Depending on the personality of your partner, there can be denial, crying, begging, aggressiveness, even abuse. Try to stay calm whatever happens. Never let this end in a fight.
Here is a short guideline how to behave when delivering the message:
- Always be understanding, no matter how your partner reacts
- Say that you are sorry that things have not worked out
- Be prepared for questions, look at your list of reasons before you meet
- Try to avoid intimate body contact
- Be confident. If you have not been dominant in your relationship, be it now
- Never be cold
5. Always be clear that it’s absolutely over
This is the most difficult part: Never ever let there be any doubt that your relationship is over.
You’ve made your decision. Be stick to it whenever you talk to your partner. Never give any hope. The clearer you are the better and easier it is for the person in the long run. Always keep in mind: there is no painless way.
This may sound coldhearted, but it isn’t. The earlier he/she accept that it is over, the earlier he/she can start the healing and separation process.
Never say:
- “maybe sometimes we could get together again”
- “A part of me still loves you”
- “I never loved anybody as I loved you”
- “ok, give me some time to think it over”
- “we can still be friends”
Even if all this was true, you must not say it loud. It doesn’t help. I know it is tempting sometimes to say all of this (especially if there are still feelings from your side). You will feel the urge to ease the pain by saying something he/she wants to hear, but this is wrong for two reasons: you are giving false hope and delaying the healing process, and you are getting off your course.
You have deliberately thought this through in step two and you have decided to break up. Don’t let anybody talk you into that decision.
There simply is no way without pain. If you are harsh then you appear heartless, if you are not firm then they think that there is still hope. This is a very narrow path.
Find a healthy way in the middle and stay the person you are.
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15 responses so far ↓
1 Shanna // Sep 14, 2007 at 9:19 am
The realization that there is no easy way out helped me a lot to make my decision. I was waiting for a better moment, for a certain occasion to make it easier but it would not come.
I was getting more frustrated every day. The article helped my decision along and now we got it done and I think we are both better of… and the pain will heal, I’m sure of that.
2 Chris // Oct 3, 2007 at 12:09 pm
Absolutely brilliant!
That made my decision much easier.
Thank you so much for this excellent article.
3 savekenny // Oct 3, 2007 at 8:45 pm
If you need to say it, but really don’t want to have a conversation, try using Pinger. You can send them a voice message, telling them exactly how you feel, without getting sucked into a dialogue. Also for when I you want to get a message out fast without having a long conversation. Try it at pinger.com
4 suzanne // Jan 6, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Pinger is not saying it in person, it’s like leaving a message on their answering machine, and that’s cold.
5 Manning // Feb 2, 2008 at 6:26 pm
The last rule is the most important; no contact should be made. I’ve always used this rule, but in my most recent breakup I’ve allowed my ex to call etc. She broke up with me. By calling and meeting in an attempt to be friends, I can’t put this thing to rest once and for all. I keep holding on and it’s tearing me up inside. I thought no contact was cruel but necessary in the past. But it’s not as cruel as not letting someone move on I’ve found.
6 Eddie Corbano // Feb 10, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Manning,
yes, we simply have to take responsibility for our Ex, even if they don’t want to.
There really is no point in staying in touch, you can’t help them and being friends is impossible at the beginning! The best you can do is helping them accepting the break up and moving on by maintaining no-contact.
7 Frank // Feb 24, 2008 at 8:01 pm
I am just now going through a break-up and all this information is gospel. I moved out in November and we remained friends, going out to dinner, the museum, movies, even spent Valentines Day together. Now it is Feb 24 and she has another man living with her. Get out!!! and make it Final!!! Don’t set yourself up for further heartbreak.
8 Anne // Feb 25, 2008 at 7:38 pm
There are at least 2 reasons why breaking up in person is not a good idea. The first is if the person is volatile or violent. Get out, get out fast, and get out quietly. Having an in-person breakup will exacerbate the person’s anger and could be dangerous. Second if the person is manipulative and if they use twisted dialogue to try to control or keep you. No doubt, you’ve tried to break up before and it didn’t work. Use your best judgement.
9 Tom W. // Feb 25, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Breaking up after 4 1/2 months!! She does not want to accept the breakup and is trying to use personnal information to keep me connected with her by threats and manipulation!! I am following some of the 7 steps to break up, although this is not easy with Heart Emotions still attached! I feel the Negative Energy from & around her that keeps me spinning inside!!
Thoughts or comments welcome,
Blessing’s, Thank you!!!!
10 Eddie Corbano // Mar 3, 2008 at 7:46 am
Tom, you have to make a clean cut. It’s better for her and for you. Believe me.
Cut off contact completely and avoid places where she could could be.
11 How To Break Up With Your Girlfriend… NOT // Mar 10, 2008 at 12:49 pm
[…] someone is how to make it painless for the other person. There are some basic things to consider on how to break up gracefully, but there is one fundamental truth you have to accept: there is no painless way to do […]
12 Angela // Apr 7, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Eddie I sat here reading this with tears streaming down my face - think that means it’s time to break up? (kinda rhetorical question there)
We are so different and we have completely different values which really became obvious to me when we had a big fight about being ‘positive’ about life of all things. I’m the person who likes to see the good in everyone and look on the bright side whenever possible and apparently that’s wrong. We’ve had our problems for months and months though and our relationship has been pretty much stand-still for a long time.
I just googled ‘how to break up’ and found your post. Thank you so much for the advice and I’m not 100% sure what to do but this has helped
13 Ann // Apr 12, 2008 at 6:52 pm
I just broke up with someone. I’m having a hard time of it because I still care about him a lot. He was shocked, if not devastated with the news. I don’t know what to do other than to get on with my life and make sure I don’t contact him.
I made it as clean as possible, but still feel like a bad person. I’m at a loss as to how I move on now. Thanks for your articles.
14 bernie // Apr 19, 2008 at 10:44 am
please dont feel guilty or beat yourself up. you have taken control of your life and helped your ex partner and yourself. that is a selfless and caring act. you hurt because you care and bccause you are a good person. i know from experiance it will get better. it just takes time. you are doing exactly the right things.
15 Felix // May 7, 2008 at 10:41 pm
I also googled how to break up. I´ve been thinking about it for so long, I have ignored this feeling and I have tried to tell myself that it is safer to stay together. It is so hard and painful just to think about an end, we have been together 7 years. Last summer I was so unhappy and I still am, after my mother´s passing away later in September I just clung to my partner, he´s been so supportive and generous all this time and before, but we no longer have that spark, I don´t yearn for him, I don´t miss him when he´s away.
I fear to end so lonely though.
Anyways, thanks for all the advice I found on this site, if I ever find the courage to end this relationship I will surely follow your guideline.
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