“Tell me again how you went from loving me to not loving me…”
-Movie Quote
When we experience a devastating loss through a break-up or divorce, sooner or later we will ask ourselves two specific questions:
- How could s/he stop loving me so suddenly?
- How can I fall out of love, so that I won't have to endure this terrible emotional roller-coaster?
In the next few paragraphs, I will give you some answers and food for thought to these fundamental questions.
Also, I will show you how you can use this knowledge to get over your own break-up faster. (Along with some additional philosophical lines demonstrating why love isn't eternal).
So please read on.
Contents:
The Definition Of Falling Out Of Love
Reasons Why People Fall Out Of Love
The Reason Why Exes Move On So Fast
How Can You Fall Out Of Love The Fastest Way Possible
Isn't Love Supposed To Be Eternal?
I had a client once – let's call her Jennifer – who came to me a few weeks after her husband left her unexpectedly. They had been on an incredible vacation together to Hawaii, and at the very hour of their return home, he broke the news to her.
That day she felt as if someone had beamed her up into another reality. The very fact that this happened so suddenly made her break down completely.
What happened?
And moreover, why had he left her just after they had such an unforgettable time together?
“No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice”
-Unknown
The Definition Of Falling Out Of Love
Falling out of love is simply the opposite of falling into love – it's ceasing to love someone. It's an artificial phrase to describe an inexplicable circumstance.
An absence of love once present.
Which of course throws up even more questions, like when exactly does falling out of love happen? Is it a process, or does it happen from one moment to another?
Were those people ever IN love when they could fall OUT of love?
And most importantly – and here's the romantic soul in me speaking – isn't love supposed to last forever?
These are all great questions, all of which Jennifer had asked herself already while she was ranting to me about this man formerly known as her husband.
But before we can get to the bottom of this problem, we need to take a step back and acknowledge that most of us don't do things without a reason.
There's always a core motivation to our every action.
My experience with people is that we all have two core motivations to do something:
It's either to seek pleasure or to avoid pain (it's an ancient cave-man, brain-wiring thing).
So which one was it for Jennifer's husband?
Reasons Why People Fall Out Of Love
The number one reason people fall out of love – let's assume for a moment that this oxymoron is possible – is due to incompatibilities.
When we start a new relationship, everything seems to be perfect. We see the world through rose-colored glasses, and the whole world is love, peace, and harmony.
Your partner doesn't have ANY flaws whatsoever, you both are a perfect match to each other, and there's not a single thing in the world you can think of why you shouldn't be together forever.
Love is a powerful mind-bending drug.I'm not writing this out of sarcasm, in fact, I'm a big fan of love. And because I'm such a fan and maven of love, I know that it comes in different facets.
MORE: How I Found The Definition Of True Love
True love exists. It is what remains even when the fascination of the new fades out, and we suddenly and shockingly realize that our partner is all but perfect.
But at this point, when all of these flaws and shortcomings arise, many start to feel that this is not at all what they've signed up for.
Suddenly everything starts to become complicated and hard work.
That's why so many bail.
It's simply too arduous. And we don't want that.
Not when there's another potential candidate waiting in line ready to give us the love-drug again that we so dearly miss.
We want simple.
Again, I'm not sarcastic; I'm merely calling the ugly thing by its name.
This is the main reason people fall out of love – simply because they realize it's not at all what they wanted.
Can you prevent that from happening?
Well, for one, you can always be who you really are, and you can be completely honest about what you are expecting from your partner.
Idealization at the beginning of a relationship is ok to some degree, but you should always know your needs and see them being met.
Am I saying that it's your fault that your partner left?
No.
I'm just saying that a relationship is an equilibrium of the wants and needs of two people, of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. And if that equilibrium gets out of balance, well then my friends, conflicts will occur.
Whose fault is that?
Exactly. No ones.
The Reason Why Exes Move On So Fast
The reasons why Jennifer's husband was able to move on so fast, and why the break-up was perceived as “out of the blue” by Jennifer, was because he started to separate himself emotionally from her a very long time ago.
He felt that the connection was lost and that his personal needs weren't fulfilled, so he decided – consciously or unconsciously – to detach himself from this marriage.
Slowly, step-by-step, day by day he slipped away more and more.
Of course, the signs were there. Jennifer must have seen them.
When my Ex left me back then, I also thought that it came out of the blue… like she just came up with that crazy idea to break up today.
“I don't love you anymore,” she said. As if she just wanted to see how I would react when she crushed my world.
Later I realized that there were tons of red flags.
I just chose to ignore them, just like someone chooses to ignore a painful, unwanted reality that so completely doesn't fit in their lives.
That was my only fault I share with Jennifer.
So why in hell haven't they said anything – given us a chance to change, repair, smooth things over – just to do something?
Well maybe they have, and we just didn't have the time to listen.
Or maybe they haven't.
Either way, it is not important whose fault it was.
It is important to know that they broke up with you a long time before you chose to accept it. Way before this painful, unwanted reality entered your life.
So, at the time of the actual break-up, Jennifer's husband was emotionally already where she would not be for at least another ten months.
That's the sad truth. An Ex can move on fast because they are simply miles ahead of us.
How Can You Fall Out Of Love The Fastest Way Possible?
So if our Exes were able to fall out of love with us, then shouldn't WE be able to follow suit? Right?
Yes, we can … we are NOT helpless.
Here's the agenda we need to accomplish:
We need to fall out of love with our Ex; we need to completely and utterly stop loving them. That means more precisely to stand in front of them and feel absolutely nothing.
Nada … as if we were standing in front of a stranger.
Given the fact that the addiction we have for our Ex is the root to all of our problems, it seems that this is the most desirable outcome.
I go yet one step further and say that the desire to do so is a precondition to recovery. You MUST WANT to fall out of love in order to heal and make way to the possibility of finding a better, more fulfilled relationship.
It is the right way. But the journey will be arduous.
As you may know, this said journey of break-up recovery leads you through different phases. All of which have their own pitfalls and challenges.
In a nutshell, when you want to heal from a broken heart you have to accomplish three miraculous things. You have to:
- contain the pain
- accept that it's over
- make the leap into independence
All of these will stretch you to the limit.
What I've experienced personally, and most of my clients have as well, is that the “out-of-love-falling” happens with the leap into independence, where we shift off our dependence to our Ex and take off our rose-colored glasses.
When we can truly see the world as it is again, with complete detoxification of the love-drug.
We then realize that we can very well make it alone, and we kick our Ex from their pedestal that we've built for them … with a blast.
MORE: Kicking The Ex From Their Pedestal – Getting Over A Break Up
This, and the time that follows is where “the magic” happens, and we simply fall out-of love and … hopefully, IN love again.
What did it for me personally, was a combination of self-realization, self-discovery and the complete physical absence of my Ex.
And as I preach so often my dear friends: it always starts with No-Contact. (You should sign-up to my newsletter if you need help with that).
One last mystery remains yet uncovered:
Isn't Love Supposed To Be Eternal?
“It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no ‘exit' signs in love, there is only an ‘on' ramp.”
-Unknown
I agree with this quote… with some reservations. Were ALL forms of love like the one eternal altruistic love, then yes… love would never die.
But knowing that there are many forms, including those created by our own power of will – remember how I once told you that I continuously forced myself to love my Ex – most love is mortal.
Unfortunately not EVERY love we experience is THAT eternal altruistic love.So when you find yourself alone, after your Ex's love for you has died, the question is NOT whether your love for him was THE “real” facet of love or not.
Nope my, friends.
The question is how fast will you realize that you MUST get rid of this love the fastest way possible.
Because it's either YOU kill it or, IT kills you.
This is not being un-romatic… there is no romance in one-sided love.
This is being realistic. This is me having seen far too many of you who suffered way beyond they should have.
This is me helping you to take this break-up, squeeze every single drop of insight out of it and use this knowledge to become a better person… and eventually to dare to start this whole thing all over again.
But this time I promise you… you will be more complete, wiser and also stronger.
So is it possible to fall out of love?
It is and it is not… it solely depends on you.
What do YOU think? Please share in the comment section below.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
I have reviewed each an every one of your comments. Only to find I would Love to trade places with any of you. I met someone and tried like hell to convince her we we not meant to be.
However. She’s more than stubborn. And twice as adamant about what she wants. Because she wants it all.
Her jealousy is rampant. Her honesty is a twisted combination of what never really happened. Mixed in with she’s sure it did. All you have to add i part beer. i part xanex and mix vigorously with methamphetamine and woolah! You now have another heartbreaking episode of “Let’s DRAMA”that has no validity to it.
I have been accused of many atrocious violations. None of which I am guilty. I have lost far more in almost for years because of my desire to prove my love for this woman than I care to mention. The most important of all has to be the emotional discontent she deemed necessary in order to get back at all those who never did love her. Through me. I have always been faithful. Never hurt her physically. always encouraged her to do what ever she might feel like doing.Watched over her in times of trouble.And always did what she asked without question.
Everything!
She on the other hand rewarded me by leaving me three times. All for delusional reasons. One time I never got any reason at all. The main reason I decided to throw in the towel is because she admitted she will never trust any man again. She has broken every agreement so far to date we have had. Refuses to marry me because her daughter has convinced her that she needs a millionaire.My sisters became allies in the slow , painful mission to destroy any good I possess by hacking into my emails and sending dozens of ludicrous emails they wrote themselves containing what appeared to be my address and my doing. Causing so much discontent I almost hung myself.
Though she can’t bring herself to admit it. It has never been love she had for me. I was more like her servant. And although I must admit. I still love her. However I’m not foolish enough to believe she will ever come around. Especially since she has also been convinced I have only been hanging around for monetary reasons. And possible possessions she was left by her brother who has since deceased.
That broke the straw on the camels back for me. So I cut it off.I will never be able to forgive her for all she has put me through for nothing. And I’m finding that there really was no sense in putting out any more energy towards such a one sided relationship. I’m appalled by her decision to believe all the lies. When I have and always will be honest. Her disrespect by never once coming to me before making all her decisions in haste. Hurts more than I care to mention.Yet I still care for her. And worry about her constantly. I feel like the biggest fool on the planet. And that’s something I will never forgive myself for.
Between her so called love. My sisters. Her daughter and family? The have caused more damage and suffering than I hardly deserve. And truthfully the only reason I’m still here is because I have a Mother whom I have to care for. Since I’m all she has. I could never be that selfish.
I wish the best to all of you out there whom I know are brokenhearted. Filled with discontent. And suffering. I really do know how it feels. Especially when you find out the other half of who you thought cared? Never really gave a damn at all.
It’s more than cruel and unkind. It should be criminal. Because she really has killed whatever I used to be about.And replaced it with more emptiness and shame than I could ever describe. Took it all away without any sign of remorse. And still to this day wants me to believe she’s done nothing wrong.
I never would have believed doing the right thing… could turn out so wrong. I just can’t believe for the life of me why it is I still love her. And I’m hating me so much.
I read your comment and can sympathize with your situation. I was married for 20years to a presciption drug addicted Narcissistic sociopath which is what you seem to be in love with. I divorced him because of mental and verbal abuse, but I find I still love him-the good parts of him anyway.. and I battle to not get involved with him and have to tell myself that everything he did was for his own selfish needs, that he knew how to get what he wanted from me by catering to my needs. I understand the love bombing that happens that is intoxicating and fills every internal need within. I understand the co-dependent dance that takes place at the emotional level as well as the physical. If you are anything like me, you are an emotional caretaker which is why you can’t let go because you feel sorry for her and know you can help her and improve her life and be there for every need which fullfills your needs. But the truth is that noone can help her but herself. Its not that she has done anything to you, you allow her to rent space in your head and allow her words and actions to activate your insecurities and trigger low self worth. I wonder if somewhere along the line growing up you associated love with suffering which is why you have accepted so much “drama” and stayed with this woman. I hope you can realize that you owe her nothing, that you deserve happiness and healthy relationships are about two whole people coming together sharing their wholeness with each other. not rescuing, saving, fixing, controlling, etc.
I think the both of your experience best describe my situation as well. It’s so hard to break the codependency that’s resulted from being in a long-term and very deep relationship with someone with mental illness and/or instability. I almost feel like being exposed to “the drama” and heartbreaks of it, has caused me to have that same mental instability, even though I know deep down it is not me, and that leaving was the best and healthiest decision, no matter how painful and heart-wrenching it may feel.
“Tell me again how you went from loving me to not loving me…”
-Movie Quote
From which movie was this quote from? Thanks. 🙂
So me and my exbroke up about 3 months after we got together but it felt like we were together for 3 years he would always talk about his exs. And he would get depressed randomly but I never complained or did anything wrong finally he said I made him depressed and I was shocked I tried so hard to comfort him and do what I could for him I shouldn’t have even been with him in the first place because he hated all my friends and wanted me all to himself. But I loved him so I stayed after he told me I made him depressed he left telling me he loved me I lost track of time after he left i thought it might have been 3 weeks or a month but then he came back telling me how much he missed me and all that he told me it had only been a week since he left so I think I was addicted to him but anyway I took him back and felt with his depression and everything but we didn’t get back together right then because he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend so after a little while he broke up with his boyfriend and my boyfriend broke up withme (I didn’t really care much I only got with him because he asked) he asked if I wanted to be with h and I told him I dud but at the same tine I didn’t because I was still afraid of him leaving me again he understood and we were pretty much fwbs for a month and a half one day he just suddenly asked me to be his girlfriend and I I’m still afraid of him leaving me and I told him this and he still understood then about 2 weeks later he asked me again and I told him yes but I was still unsure if he would leave me or not not even 5 days later he texted me saying that he wanted to leave and he was tired of being so depressed all the time and he told me to be happy I don’t know what to do now
I was married for 8 years to the date as it end it on my wedding anniversary, he also said he did not love me any more and did not want to be marry any more he said some really hurtful things I tried to talk to him ,and I’m shame to admit I beg him to give us one last chance to work things out (you see i thought it was my fault) I even suggested professional help whatever I was willing. you see he had cheat it on me about a year and half before , I forgive him , but it made me very insecure as a woman and we really didn’t work on it we ignore it like with that will fix anything but by the time he left me two days later yeah after saying we will work things out the night he drop the bomb on my first day of work he move out taking our dog and more important my son with him I came home to find that out.My parents were living 7 month of the year with us the rest they will be with my brother at the time they were with us and we need it to move out of the house in about a week or so I found myself with two parents to worry about my self and find where we were going to go with not credit no money and a new job i couldn’t come for a 2nd day because i was not emotionally capable at the time so my Dad said we should come to FL to my brothers house. It has been so difficult I cry every day I did not sleep at all 0 hours for about a week finally my body break and i get to sleep 4 hours since them at the time he ended things i was and still are in a depression the worst part is my son. You see i’m not his biological mother but I raise him i’m the only mom he has ever known but I have not legal rights to him against his father. Despite all that he hurt me and intellectually knowing i should hate him or stop loving him I found myself doing so despite everything we have kept the testing minimal we text regarding our son , so how can I move on and do the not contact as things like school health etc of my son I need to talk to him? Like my son visiting and so for it has been 9 month and I’m still having difficulty sleeping,and getting out of my depression I’m getting good at masking it in front of friends and family but i feel lost and sinking I still hurting so much that is Physically
I have been sick more than I can recall. I do not believe in this so books Cd’s etc I think is just a business like any other if you really care about people you will have free real help for people like me that don’t have any money and struggling to even eat and have a roof under their head, with that being said maybe free letters help a little but they always gear to buy and buy the products.I don’t think you can stop loving or fall out of love if it was true love it is unconditional what i hope is that with time that love will change and i can stop hurting, and when it come to my son , well that will never stop hurting if you are a parent you know what I’m talking about it. Sorry and thanks.
As the initiator of my divorce,reading this helped me to understand why he didnt see it coming and how by detaching little by little for the past 9 years i fell out of love with him… However, i still remain confused by the fact that although i am no longer in love with him i still love him, which seems so cliché. when i look at him or think of him rather than feel nothing, I feel concern and tenderness but nothing remotely romantic (no attraction/desire or hope for a bright future as a couple). I’ve got a few questions for you Eddie: How do i navigate that? Is there a healthy alternative to feeling nothing for an ex after you’ve spent 15 years together? Or do i need to work towards a more intense detachment and apathy?
Apathy is not good. You will kill a part of you in the process. You are truly a keeper of real love. Divine. The kind of love you still have for him is the real kind of love that lasts forever. That is so unique and special. What’s separating that from the rest of desire is due to something internal within you. There is something you are seeking that shouldn’t even come from another and this will be revealed at some point in your life. You may choose to accept the arduous path that rewards greater fulfillment or the easy path that is quicker and a perpetual cycle.
Do not choose apathy. It is not good. You will kill a part of you in the process. You are truly a keeper of real love. Divine everlasting love. The kind of love you still have is the real kind of love that lasts forever. That is what makes it so unique and special. What’s separating that from the rest of desire is due to something internal within you. There is something you are seeking that shouldn’t even come from another and this will be revealed at some point in your life. You may choose to accept the arduous path that rewards greater fulfillment or the easy path that is quicker and a perpetual cycle. Choose love. Whenever I hear someone say “That’s life. Multiple loves and heartbreaks.” I am reminded that it’s simply a mantra we teach ourselves in order to excuse the “natural”. Sex is natural. Attraction is natural. Pleasure is natural. But love is everything but natural. It is supernatural. It defies all things and in ways makes absolutely no “sense”. The choice to commit to anything these days is a matter of will and character. To lay down one’s own life for another is the ultimate expression of love and universally rewarded. The problem is everyone has been slowly adapting to the ways of common societal values which happens to be progressively controlled by corporate agendas in favor of short turnovers and maximizes gains. And we see this strategy in relationships. But I digress. Choose love people. It’s never too late.
I felt everything inside me shrink back and recoil in agony coupled with shock at the assertions here about what I’m experiencing following a break up. I can’t stop thinking about him, I can’t suppress the urge to go over to see him (they live four doors down. Ouch), I can’t see myself letting go because I’m afraid to let go of what I have left of our relationship–my love for him. In the vacuum world I call my mind, I find all of these ideas presented here unorthodox and disturbingly too realistic, too true to reject. I got it. But, God this is so incredibly painful especially as this is the first relationship I’ve ever had (yep, I’m a baby experiencing the hard-knocks of life). I feel skeptical about buying the Ex-Detox System (as with anything else sold online), but the more I read these articles the more I start to believe that maybe this could be something I need. Funny, I found this site after wailing out loud and begging God to put me out of my misery.
Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago we was together for a year. We didn’t contact each other for 3 months till a week ago he text me and asked for forgiveness.. He cheated on me with another girl while we was dating and I didn’t even know till after we broke up. I think he is still with that girl.. He told me she screwed him over and that he regrets losing me and leaving me. But today I had a weird feeling he was still with her? I was suppose to go see him today but at the last minute he was saying how his teeth were hurting and how he needs to make a dentist appointment as soon as he can. I believed it for a minute then I started to think he is probley with that girl right now so that’s why he is blowing me off? I texted him and told him I knew what he was doing and that he was still with that girl and that I hope she realizes how he really is and that I don’t want him to contact me anymore that I need to move on from him and that after this message I am blocking his number from texting me. He hasn’t texted me since and that been like 3 hours ago.. I do regret saying that but he was making me stressed all the time because he confused me.. I just couldn’t take it anymore and I wasn’t going to get hurt by him again and he is known for being a big cheater..I love him but I can’t let him do this to me anymore. I know there are a lot of men and women going threw things like I am and that does give me comfort because I know I’m not alone. I hope I did the right thing I don’t know if he’ll text me back or just leave me alone. I think he is thinking I will regret what I said later and say sorry and ask if he can forgive me.. But i’m not I mean’t what I said to him and I’m not taking it back. I feel stress coming off of me but then I feel sadness in my heart thinking I messed up that he really could be the one.. But he will never change.. And I did see him a few days ago and we had a good time he acted like he was when we first got together. But when I left I cried because all that getting over him and then him doing that really reset my healing process. Now I gotta start all over again but this time shouldn’t be as hard for me because we’ve only been in contact for a week but we barely text during that time that’s why I think he was still with that girl because he would barely text me at all. But in all reading this made me see a lot. I hope I can over come this and have No Contact Rule.
this is indeed a great post on how to fall out of love. My partner of 18 months (we lived together) broke up with me after he moved out of country for only three weeks. He see no future in us by doing LD and doesnt consider marriage at the moment. We are in our late 20s.
He wanted to remain friends, just doesn’t want to commit to the LDR which he thought meaningless. He was the one who moved away for his career and refused me to relocate with him. Our relationship was great so far, he was super loving and caring and I treated him so well even when he was jobless for almost 6 months. However, he left me with no option except break up with him. He said he still care for me but he refused LDR, he refused me to relocate with him (he said he can’t even manage himself properly) and he see no future with me! I was devastated. I am in NC with him. But I missed him badly, miserably especially during this festive season.
I need help to fall out of love.
Hey, I know you posted this almost three years ago, but I am exactly in the same situation as you right now—except we’re in early 20s. My bf did the same exact thing to me. He didn’t want to commit to LDR(despite talking to me every day) and said he wanted to remain friends; basically he, too, left me with no option but to cease contact with him permanently I am only a little less than a month into it… and the more I think about why he didn’t even want to try giving us a shot, what went wrong etc. the more tired and confused I get.
Did you ever truly find out why he truly made the decision he made? How did you manage to fall out of love? What happened?
I desperately need your guidance…
Hi, i have recently been dumped by my husband, i really did not see this coming. Back in january i found out he had a second phone then i found is phone bill for hundreds of pounds. I asked what was going on he promised me he was just txting and calling a friend who was going through relationship problems silly me i believed him. On the 26th February he called me at work and told me he wanted a divorce and hung up on me and disappeared for a week. He came home and wouldnt speak to me, when he was home he was none stop on the phone and would sneak of for hours on is phone till 3 or 4 clock in the morning sometimes. In april he moved out of our home he told me he was getting a one bedroom apartment but in fact he had got 3 bedroom house. I also heard that he had told people that i had abused he that why he had to leave me. I later found out that he was having treatment for sti and was with a cleaner he worked with. I cant believe all the lies he told about me. I loved him to bits and never in a million years would i ever have hurt him. Im heart broken
Hey I am also in the same situation as you. My ex and I broke up over half a year ago, we didn’t contact each other and finally he requested to be friends but he is now in another country for work.
Just wondering if there is hope if he is in another country? I’m sure he would want to find someone else in the new country. What is the update from your last post. Thanks.
Hi Confused and broken. I know it’s been ages since you’ve posted, but I thought I’d give you an update anyway. My ex and I have now been in a long distance relationship for almost a year. We had 1 month no contact period back then (instigated by me) and then one day I called him, and we started talking again. We kept in touch, talking maybe once a week (and doing other things if you know what I mean.) Eventually I convinced him to get a plane ticket to come and see me, and that’s when we slipped back into a monogamous, committed relationship. Back then, I tried to get over him by seeing people in real life, as we were talking with him. I thought I would “wean off” of him. But a couple of dates later on my side, I understood that I didn’t really want to date anyone and that being single and talking to my ex was OK if that’s what made me feel comfortable at the time. However, as you know, since then I’ve gotten back together with my ex. Now, I know you have likely moved on from your situation 8 months ago, but to anybody else trying to get someone back over distance (eg they’re in another country for work) the no contact period is crucial. Set up a no contact, go, look after yourself. Focus on a hobby, your job, friends, go exercise. Don’t do it for your ex, do it for you. If you start talking with you ex again, don’t rush. Don’t corner them into anything. Let your relationship redevelop slowly. Treat it as if you were trying to get together with someone you’re dating for the first time. If you do it that way, not only you will both learn to forgive and learn from your past mistakes and will fall in love afresh. (I did it. It is real). Alternatively, if you were just hung up over your ex, you will manage to move on.
I am not sure how I feel honestly, My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me right before my birthday two years ago now. I honestly thought he was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. He was everything I could hope for we where so happy together. At times I feel like I am over him but other times I don’t feel like I am. I still dream about him constantly and I miss him when I am alone. I have tried everything in the book to get over him but I don’t think for me it is possible. I am in a new relationship and I love my boyfriend now but I hate to say it but it dose not compare to the love I had for my ex. I feel terrible when I think about my ex or have dreams about him it almost makes me feel like I am cheating on my boyfriend now. Everytime I see his friends or hear about my ex my heart just sinks and I end up all depressed after. Every time I hear about him and his new girlfriend it bothers the crap out of me and makes me even more depressed. I guess im just stuck in a huge rut.
Same here. I felt true love for my ex. I planned my life around her. Then all of a sudden, she just leaves me for another man. She dumps me by text because she said she couldn’t face me. But then she convinced us to go on a break giving me hope. No. The break was for me to get over her apparently. It was torture. Then she ends it. When I last saw her we were fine. I felt the love, but she didn’t and I never even got to see her again after she dumped me, leaving a big hole where I just wanted to hug her and say goodbye. I didn’t want that because I was so angry. Now I get heart palpitations every single time I think about her and her man. It’s hard to go to sleep. It’s just so hard…
I’m so sorry Daniel. I know the feeling all too well. You felt the love, they didn’t. I don’t know how it is for you, but when I take a good, hard look back, I think I always felt the love more than my ex. The signs were there all along, in big, red neon letters sometimes, but I willfully chose to ignore them. Then there were other times when I knew the feelings were mutual, allowing me to get comfortable for a moment and believe it was safe to give my heart to this person so completely. I knew, though. Something in me always knew. But I was so in love, I’d given so much of myself. How could they not see that and feel that, and surely they wouldn’t rip my heart out and leave me feeling like less than nothing. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve had to get over being dumped like this. I was a lot younger and more resilient the last time this happened. Right now, it feels like I’m never going to get past this. But, It’s only been eight days. I know, we all know, how long it can take for this kind of hurt to heal. Here’s to a speedy recovery for all of us.
HI Diane
I know you posted this in April last year but your story sounds exactly like mine. My ex dumped me November 2015 after a 6 year relationship. I felt exactly the same as you that I loved my ex more than he loved me and sometimes doubted that he even did love me. I felt like I was a convenience and then became inconvenient. It appears he “lined” someone up then obviously left when it was going to work out with her. It was over the most stupid disagreement but it was the excuse he needed. The signs were always there in our relationship, and like you, I chose to ignore them hoping that my love would “conquer all”. I too was younger when this happened to me before but this time I’m 57 and it’s a very scary time but I’m learning to cope day by day. The break up from him was very cold, cruel and I feel, brutal. I felt humiliated when their relationship was plastered all over the facebook community and declaring their love for each other after just one week! It can take a long time and I hope you’ve moved on enough now – and that goes for everyone who has been through it. They will never know the damage they cause to someone.
I hear that one bro, going on 10 months of it now. An ongoing 3 year live-in relationship shock break up by text. When I got home all her stuff was gone, and I never saw her again.
When I eventually do get there, sleep is my escape, where my being gets to rest. Well, except when she finds her way into my dreams. In which case I wake up suddenly, and the cycle starts again.
Call it stupid when people are out there suffering from things like brain cancer, but this often feels like the fight of my life. Settle in for the long haul, it’s real.
Hi Cale
I read your post and was moved. I get it. I so get it. I know it’s been a few months since you first wrote this. Are you doing better? My boyfriend of almost two years just broke up with me. It’s been a push/pull relationship for the past 4-5 months. I am in love with him. He was in love with me. I moved to another country and met him and we planned for a family and a life together. I truly truly believed we were amazing. It’s only been 5 days. He has been telling me on and off for months that he doesn’t love me the same and everytime he breaks it off, I leave but then he says he is making a mistake. This time it is really over. And I walked. It is so deeply painful. He told me it is finished. And then he had the balls to call and send messages saying he doesn’t know if we need time. The mental manipulation is brutal. He doesn’t love me. He broke up with me. He has thrown away a great girl who truly loves him.
Hi Alicia,
I hope ur doing better. I hope that ur closer to finding the strength to never allow urself to be played like a yoyo. I’m 3.5 months out of a 2.5 yr stint. It’s slightly easier today than it was last wk but still plenty of sadness. I loved her and she liked me. I ignored all the signs hoping for maturation during the time we were together but obviously time ran out. She’s already dating and I can’t even think about being with someone else and frankly, I wouldn’t trade places for the world. I’m going to be such a better person for it. Just got a Xmas card from her mom. At least she loved me….funny. Got to laugh at myself.
I hope you all are a lil better today than you were last wk! Holidays are upon us. I encourage u all to find time and donate urselves to the more needy. I pledge myself on the weekends and it helps so much.
I’ve gone limited contact but that works for me. I’ll answer her text (only 3 so far) politely but no phone or physical contact. It was thru social media that I learned of her relationship and that’s helped move on.
I wish all of u fellow broken hearted a speedy recovery. I hope to see all of u on the other side.
I wish I saw this website when my live-in partner for 4 years broke up last end of June 2013. I didn’t know yet the relationship ended because it all started with a fight over an issue which we had always disagree-I was always against him helping his family (he is the first child in the family with 50+ yrs. old parents, a 1st year college son and 2 married sisters…all of them living in the same roof. One day, while video calling in Skype (he was at work) the sister gave birth and I have made bad comments about him helping her again. We fought as I explained my point. The night ended with him getting angry and saying that “I should leave him alone helping his family because it’s his money and I am not his wife anyway”. I felt bad and fought back and said words such as “ok you didn’t treat me like one so I don’t need any other explanations, pack your things here and leave without us talking about it. That week he didn’t contact me, I didn’t too coz I wanted to cool down myself and I was still angry.
After 1 week, I texted him asking why hasn’t he gone home yet that if he has no intentions to go back, just come home and take his things while I am at work (though I really didn’t mean that. Whenever we fight I always say the same things but we always end up ok). But this time, he didn’t show up. I texted him, tried to convince him to come home so we can discuss our problems but he never replied. Following week I texted how much I love him, how sorry I was for the bad things I’ve said about his family and that I wanted to compromise about this frequently-fought-of- issue, but he never replied. Third week I started to be worried that I begged for his love , tell me honestly if he has already fallen for somebody else, discuss to see if we can fix our issues, but he never replied. 4th week I didn’t contact him but he came to our apartment and took some of his things. After leaving he sent me a text message saying that he took some of his things but it doesn’t mean he wants us to break up. He just wants to have “space” to find himself but in case I find another guy then he will understand. He also said that if it’s God’s will that we are meant, he hopes there will be no more insecurities and doubt about each other, but if we are not meant he hopes us to be friends and only remember the good things we’ve shared. I replied and said I agreed to the space so we can find both ourselves and find out myself about my own issues. I requested him not to give himself yet to another person as we evaluate ourselves so we can meet one day, sit and say if we continue or we say goodbye. I stopped contacting him for a while.
August 08, 2013, I received our mobile bill statement and found a strange number. My heart started to beat fast and I felt weak. I doubted and so I tried to call the person. Only to find out that the woman is my boyfriend’s girlfriend since 1 month and they made plans of meeting together on March for marriage! I was shocked and hurt about what I heard. They were not physical, she works in another country but they were classmates in high school back in our home country. They started chatting / flirting via Facebook. She is still single too and both of them live in the same place.
After learning about what happened, I didn’t still contact my boyfriend to confront him about it. I was waiting for him to contact me, but he didn’t. 2 weeks after my discovery of that childhood chat mate who is now as she claims his boyfriend, he came again to collect the rest of his things. He just left me a hand written note this time (not txt message) to say he collected the rest of his things and if there is anything left he shall just take it back along with his passport and ended it with a simple “thank you” .
I don’t know what to feel! Shocked…in denial…total wreck. For almost 2 months on a weekly basis I was on an emotional roller coaster! Until now I am holding his passport and still continued with my no contact rule. He has not contacted me yet. Should I give it back by seeing him or just sending it by courier? Should I wait for a closure for us to talk and ask him why he left me? Should I beg to work things out? This has affected my appetite, productivity in work and ability to socialize with people. I am still staying in the apartment and have to tend to the house and bills. Thinking about leaving all the things and the memory we’ve had there makes me NOT want to leave it as well as having the difficulty to move/shift to a new apartment carrying the stuffs.
Note: By the way I was married for 5 years but having to work abroad, I left my husband and son. In my stay of 2 years abroad, I met my guy and fall in love with him so I decided to leave my husband. When he found out I was cheating, he wanted annulment which I agreed since I am already in love with this boyfriend of mine. We moved-in together for 4 years and for 4 years I kept him secret to my colleagues here abroad at work (I am afraid they see us together so we only go to places where I know I will not be seen by them), but my relatives here and back home knew him and our relation, except for my son to whom I didn’t admit yet.
I am so much of a total wreck! If you could give me an advice on what to do or to tell me anything to help me clear my cloudy mind is much appreciated.
Sounds like you are jealous of his family and trying to control him from being around them is a bit selfish on your part, especially if his sister is giving birth – he is being a good sibling. Now if he was always putting his family first before you, then I would understand more. I just kicked my boyfriend out of my apartment for the same reason. He was always putting his mother before me, hanging out with her ALL day long and then only coming to see me right before bed and to sleep over or eat my food. He didn’t have a job and was just freeloading. His mom would invite me up for dinners but then he would get on me saying I wasn’t grateful or appreciative enough to such an outstanding person as his mother. I was thankful but he didn’t want to see that and just continued to play out this power struggle of having two women in his life, and he couldn’t fully commit to me. When I was on the phone with my mom once every few weeks, he would get a little irritable. When I wanted to talk to my brother who told me he was getting a divorce on New Year’s Day, it meant I would have to skip breakfast at his parents house and my ex railed me for that as well. He wasn’t able to respect my family in ANY way shape or form like expected me to worship his family. He would tell me that I have the problem with not wanting to be part of his family. So if you don’t see eye-to-eye on family issues, it’s best you get out sooner rather than later because it can really escalate. My problem was, I thought we had resolved our different ideas about family, but whenever a fight happened, he would bring the same things up about how unappreciative I was of his family and all the things they do for me. So he had an unhealthy attachment to his parents and was trying to drag me into the same. If your BF was ever holding that over your heard, you should be worried. If you thought his attachment to his family was unhealthy, then that’s justified to be upset. But it sounds like he was just tending to them as a thoughtful, family-oriented person and you may have some jealousy issues to figure out.
Well… i think to an extent .. its kinda ur fault… i mean .. would u choose not to help ur sister in need just cuz ur boyfriend isnt happy with it…? Ofcourse no…. it wouldve been preferable to sit down have a cool chat with him on how he can establish some sort of business for his family to live on and weigh him down with their needs.
Its sad to hear that after just two months of flirting witg his childhood friend.. they were already making wedding plans
Eddie,
This is not the first time I’ve read this post. I need reinforcement from time to time. There is a part of me, not as much anymore, that thinks he may want to come back so I am internally hesitant. The realistic me, does not want him back. I’ve done a lot of work on my recovery since he walked out in June and I don’t want to ever revisit this pain.
I’ve approached dating sites only to remove my profile at the end on the day of posting. Guess I am not ready but know I need something to move me forward. I continue to have good days and bad days and today is not so good. I keep asking myself how he could just walk away after 10 years? You’ve explained it perfectly. We are all very intelligent people following your advice on this site and we all know what we need to do to move on, it just gets extremely overwhelming.
All the residual is what keeps me at odds. Taking care of the house, the bills, etc. Makes me crazy. However, I want to learn to forgive him because I know that will really help me to move on quickly. I am just not there yet and I don’t know what else to do to get me there.
Please help.
Its awful feeling to hurt those you love most…I asked what did he like about new girl and he said she reminded him of old him she seems to be happiest person without no reason. Just like he used to. Im from Poland he is form Germany,i had money issues and it all reflected us that i was depressive and couldnt see that it will all dissapear but how rich im too be loved and love someone…and its true such issues dissapear but love is making u always milionaire… 🙂
Do you belive in come backs? I mean once you fell out of love and then after years ? (i know i maybe naive,thing is i was impulsive and immature i said things i didnt wanna and got what i didnt wanna-break up) We were in long distace realtionship i was dealing terribly with missing him and behaved angry often i tried to work on it but started too late. He said he was trying to show me correct attitute for 4,5years and he would never leave me but i made it,and now its too late and why i didnt take care of his hear before. I truly love him but i see i didnt show him it enough even though i knew he is wonderful man. Commitment,ambitous,with family values,wise,and supportive. It was soon one year and we could live together and i also got crazy that is soo soon that i forgot to take care of present cause i knew i can be sure of his feelings i was sure of my feelings but i was saying bad stuff. I met him and came to his home even though he didnt wanna see him he said its too late that few weeks ago he would dream to hear all this but he cant give me chance,he got to know some girl(i was shocked he also said long after me he couldnt fall in love in anyone-so was suprised to feel sth-and said now she deserves a chance now me and he wont say that they wont meet again) I never wanted to end i was so fullfilled with anger of missing him cause we had less contact that before (usually) and then once he said he ll call he didnt i was waiting,then he couldnt then i was too angry to pick up and all. Then after 2 weeks i was thinking how many times he tried to show me that he wanna be with me but i was too blind to reach him. …. Is there chance he could fall in love with me again? I love him…and i know i hurt him….but i also know he treats girls serious and he said he broke many boundaries for me and now has to be himself and stand for his decisions. 🙁 I m affraid to regret it all my life. He was rly perfect caring,loving,never hurt me,ambitous,handsome,funny,supportive,best friend,i was such a fool i knew he is eprfect and everyone was enving me him but i didnt show him enough i feel this way i feel like i said to all ppl around he is special but forgot its most important he knows it. 🙁 I also know such man is rly hard to find and if i was closer i guess my anger wouldnt leave him just in distance it was easier to get angry. 🙁
p.s. i also made an appoitment for psycholog because i had a little comunication problems especially when we were far i couldnt see his loving eyes so i was often insecure (its my past issues) even though he is most reliable person i know. Thats why i often was like turtle hiding in my shell i wanted to say pls dont go i love you or i was crying inside but pretened cool outside. I was working on it on my own and sadly when was too late when i came to him i apologised for all and was saying all from my heart but he just reminded bad stuff about me…which is not hard to understand after my behaviour. He said all my crying will disapear he knows how i feel i know he does i put us into this… but problem is he may realised i m tough and started to change too late…and i realised i was too late opening myself…so there is a diffrence i didnt wanna end…even though i caused it…i know he was really serious about me so was i…but happend…
I was separated from my ex after 2 months of marriage. I guess things just did not work out at all. Every time something like this happens 1st thought that comes to mind is it should not have happened maybe it was more my fault and you blame yourself as it is easier to do so rather than blame your ex who you may still be in love with.
As part of divorce process and her actions she made it pretty clear she does not feel like I did and still do – I guess you don’t control your heart and love happens and it is a once sided thing unless you are the lucky one to have the other person loves you back as well. Sometimes we think other person we love cares for us and loves us back but you learn that is not the truth the hard way.
In my case despite all she (my ex) has done to me even after separation a normal person get over any reservations and get into dirty contested divorced battle but not me. I am not sure why even her dirty tricks, false allegations and complaints against me to even police etc months after separation just to get more money still does not make me hate her. Even when my counsel was getting down and dirty with her in the deposition It hurt me more than it would have hurt her so I asked him to back off during the break.
I was diagnosed with depression and then got on the medications etc. I though listening to slow calming music may help relieve stress and even doing that ran across an old Indian love song and feeling came right back up even worse than before.
Lyrics of the sing I am listening to and made me sob by touching my heart in more ways than once to bring out feeling I was trying to suppress. Maybe it will be this way until I die and maybe only in death you can get over your 1st love.
I believe love is blind and only happens once so maybe it is my destiny to live with these feelings until God ends this life as this pain in my heart will only go away with his grace and no other way/
Lyrics from the Song —
Evening morning I remember you
My heart feels very nostalgic
O darling! I swear my love for you
Separation after meeting is a custom now a days
I am helpless because of you thoughts
O darling! I swear my feelings for you
World thinks that heart is a toy
I have come to know that what it is to put be obsessed by heart
Please don’t see me as a lower
Even if I die now, then don’t forget me
I can see your face in my eyes,
But you are very far away
You are close to my heart
That’s the certainty
Oh darling! I swear by your love for me.
Source(s):
http://www.bollywoodlyrics.com/cs/forums/p/715/2429.aspx
Song – Youtube Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7Xm4wzrpXE
To summarize my post there is a small saying in India pertaining to my situation and summarizes my feelings i.e.
Aap hume bhool jao hume koi gham nahi
Aap hume bhool jao hume koi gham nahi
Jis dhin humne aapko bhula diya
Samajh lijiyega is duniya main hum nahi
English Translation –
If you forget me, I have no regrets,
If you forget me, I have no regrets,
The day I forget you,
Understand that I’m no more in this world..
I just want to start by saying that I recently found this website and it helps to know I’m not alone.
I was in a 2.5 year relationship with who I thought was the love of my life. It started great but she was very persistent in moving forward fast and it never made me comfortable. After a year, we moved in together and thats when the arguing started. We always promised each other that we would stick by the other always. That that’s what love is. The arguments over the next couple of years continued to get worse. I was losing sight of my own life because i was giving it all to her. I think i started seeing some narcissistic tendencies in her. I was giving her constant validation, everyday and she hated being left alone. Whenever I would have a problem, I was always told that I was being irrational and negative. In my unhappiness, I made some mistakes. I never cheated but I did some dumb things out of confusion that she found out about. She still said she forgave me and then we would carry on. I loved her so much for that because I always forgave her of her mistakes. However, as the arguments got worse, I was always reminded of the terrible things that I had done. It’s like she always needed that ammo for arguing to make me feel bad. It’s been 2 months now, and even though I know in my heart she is not right for me, I can’t help but miss her everyday. 1 week after it ended, she started seeing a now former friend, who she claims treats her like a queen. At first, I couldn’t follow the no contact rule because I was struggling so hard to understand why, after all of our promises and overcoming of hard times, why she was so swift to move on as if I meant nothing to her. I’m so tired of crying. I’m tired of going over in my head about it. I only want peace and to move on, but still, there is apart of me that wants her back so bad, even after seeing some true colors. I just wish we could forgive each other again and move forward with all the plans we had made together. I feel like she just totally abandoned me when I never gave up on us, in the relationship and now.
I’ve been going through these articles and comments and they really help, but I’m still a long ways away from recovery. She had so many amazing qualities that I want back so bad. I was always the type of person to look past the bad things and embrace the good. She was too and that’s why we loved each other so much, but this has just destroyed me. 2 months ago she was talking about wanting to have my children and be my partner forever and then she ended it and started seeing a new man so soon. My heart is always hurting from this confusion. I wake up to nightmares about her with him everyday because I think it just sits at my sub conscience.
Another bad thing, I still work with her. I don’t see her too often, but i know when she’s there, acting as if nothing is wrong while I suffer.
It’s just so hard to even accept that you think you know someone in and out and then you are so surprised and hurt by their actions.
All I know is that I love her still so much, with every bit of myself, and would kill to have her back even after all this, but I know it can’t ever happen.
Hello everyone…,it feels better to know that am not alone. Great website,Thank you Eddie I have read most of your articles and they are of great help. I have been in a new relationship for 5months I was not exactly in love yet, but this relationship meant great deal for me. It was the the first relationship I was having after a divorce of a 3 yr marriage.
It had given me hope for a new beginning, am 28 yrs old and never thought i would be divorced and second time heart broken at my age. I feel lost at the moment but I know I will be ok.,I just need to give it time.
I met this guy and it seemed like a dream come true but 3 months down the line I started to see alarming signs that he was not here to stay..he was just having a good time.
I looked the other way hoping things would change. I invested my time and heart in a relationship that I had created in my head. I could see he had no respect for me but I did not want to be alone so I pretended that all was well.
Just yesterday I told him am done after seeing him for 5 months and he did not even make an effort to convince me otherwise because as you put it on your article he had already ditarched himself emotionally and he was not losing anything.
I will give it time and I know I will be ok. Am greatful for your advice. I have exams coming up and it felt better after reading your articles. I will keep my focus on my studies and am sure I will do great.
I pray that we will all be victorious and not allow anybody to treat us any any less than our worth. All the best guys.
I just discovered your website today! Wowza.. I can’t stop reading your articles. I’m in love with my ex. We were only together a short time but I fell head over heels for him fast! The problem being I was disposable to him… It’s been 5 months since the break up and I think about him everyday. I wonder what’s he doing, if he thinks about me, and if he truly never cared about me. He hurt me time and time again. He would cancel our date 5 minutes before we were supposed to have it. He got so angry at me and we fought constantly. The trouble now is he wants to be friends.. And I don’t like hating people. But it’s so dang hard to be his friend when I want to be with him. Oh and not only does he want to be friends, but friends with benefits. I’m extremely confused on my feelings right now and his. He keeps showing up unexpected right when I’m starting to make progress and feel good again. Do I compromise what I want for what he wants? I care about him so very much that it hurts. At the same time I don’t feel in charge of my own life and feelings… I want to take charge again. I want to let him go and fall out of love with him. I deserve better but I keep going back. I’m so glad I found your website.. I don’t feel as alone and stupid as I thought I was.
I forgot to mention that he is the one now picking fights intstead of me.. He calls me drunk at least once every two weeks freaking out on me accusing me of talking to other people. We aren’t dating why should it matter to him if I am?!
Hi MJ!!! This is not a good situation at all, he wants what he wants but he doesn’t want to be with you which is BS. You need to stop all contact with him asap so that you can sort yourself out and get over him (like the rest of us are trying to do) because trust me, contact with an ex while trying to get over them just does not work. And no, he cannot be friends with benefits as it only benefits him, it doesnt benefit you in the least because you’re still in love with him. The fact that he wants to be friends with benefits indicates that he has no respect for you at all and when someone else comes along he wont have any problem starting a new relationship because he has no emotional attachment to you. The fact that he’s phoning you and accusing you is also BS, what right does he have, you’re not his gf or property!!!!
I’ve been in the friends with benefits situation because my ex was too chicken to break up with me so here i’m thinking he’s trying to make us work while he was just hanging in there waiting for the right opportunity. That was also because he starting disrespecting me and seeing me as a low value woman due to my low self-esteem etc. So trust me it is not a good idea at all and guys will never do that to you if they respect you.
You aren’t alone, we are all in this together but please start no contact as soon as possible. It wont be easy and you’ll miss him like crazy but he will start respecting you and realize that you are not disposable.
Wow thank you so much JD!! 🙂 Everything you said was true! I got a head start on the no contact thing yesterday. He agreed to leave me alone. Sure, I was sad and bawled my eyes out for a little bit but then I realized I’m finally on the path I need to be on. I went out with my friends. I hit up a baseball game. My terrible day turned into the best one I’ve had in a long time. For the first time in the 5 months we had been broken up I felt single! It’s an amazing feel to feel so free and relieved. Not to mention I was hit on by a very attractive guy. Talk about a confidence booster! I have a long ways to go but now I know I can get through this. I need to respect myself now, because my ex sure as heck wasn’t going to! Thank you for replying. It means a lot!
I’m so glad things worked out so well on your first day 🙂 Dam I also want to be hit on by an attractive guy, lucky you lol. Sounds like on your first day already you’re putting yourself out there and enjoying life, its a slow process for me but I know I will get there. Have a good weekend.
Thank you I will try my best to! That’s okay though, these things take time. Take it as slow as you need to. Those attractive guys will be lining up to hit on you in no time 🙂 Enjoy your weekend as well!
My question is how do you get through to someone after a
nasty breakup? Initially I tried calling her a month after we split and before
I could utter a sentence she hung up on me. It’s been three months and I’ve tried reaching out to her a few times. Haven’t bombarded her but still no response. I’ve also seen her out twice.
The first time while out at a bar and we both walked passed each without
saying anything at all and for her only to sit down near to me later and to
actually stare at me and to even go as far as to say hello to the guy sitting
next to me. I tried to play it cool and not make eye contact while chatting
up the guy next to me although I must admit it was a little awkward. Bear in mind I
reached out to her just the day before and she didn’t respond. The second time I spotted her while in the bank before she came in and I got so nervous I turned away and
tried to play it cool. Recently I sent her a text a few days ago mentioning something I saw and that it made me think of her and I hope she was doing well.
Didn’t expect a response back. I get the feeling that she might still be angry
with me. Things ended so abruptly between us. She’s always had a wall up and feared that she would hurt me or I would hurt her. It wasn’t easy but I was willing to work at it and not give up on her so easily and she began to slowly let it down and then after a few months work was very busy and stressful and she started to pull away haven’t not heard from her for a few days (which she told me she did sometimes in relationships).
I messaged her and said I would be willing to listen to whatever she has to say when she’s ready to talk about it. A few days later she did contact me, we spoke briefly and she
suggested we meet up cause it was better to talk in person. But instead of
waiting one night I acted off of impulse and after quite a few drinks I decided
to show up at her house before she got back to me and she was not happy about
it and was particularly upset because she had to get up for work early. She
said to me that “you just couldn’t wait and I only made it worse”. I was and still am confused by this cause I still didn’t know what was going on with her when she pulled away. We fought and she told me to leave and now it’s over. I never really got closure. Your thoughts? I would appreciate any advice thanks.
Hi Lonelyboy
I know how you feel but the reason why she can act like the last 5 years meant nothing to her is that she let go a looooong time ago. My ex was the same, he saw me as a friend for an entire year and didnt even try to fight for us, he just gave up and withdrew. I did tell him on the day of the breakup that I can only really be friends with him again once i’ve completely gotten over him and that I cant do emails/sms’ etc but its day 33 now for me of no contact and it hurts that he’s actually listened to me and cant really be bothered to contact me. I mean if he really really wanted to he would have by now 🙁 He did say that he does feel some sort of loss but he cant pinpoint it (which really sux after 5 years).
When I broke up with my previous ex we were together for 3 years and I didnt feel a thing because I had let go a long time ago. I just felt really really bad for hurting him and now I know that its possible to break up with someone after a couple of years and feel nothing for them.
@JD… You felt something… You simply prepared yourself for the breakup weeks or months before the other party saw it coming. That’s why it SEEMS easier for the person walking away, you let go waaay before you told the other person… Now that person has to go through the same period of grief/analysis that you went through before you broke it off.
Exactly and now I know how my previous ex felt when I broke up with him. He dealt with things the wrong way though, he decided to stalk me, wish I knew about the ex detox back then and would have given it to him. Guess there’s a wrong way to deal with a breakup and there’s a right way and this program is definitely the right way (not that I would have stalked my current ex lol)
Hi,
I’m looking for help. My 5year relationship ended. I’m lost and heartbroken. I moved to Australia around when I met her and to be honest she was the reason I was able to stay here. Now she has left me im lost no friends as my friends are her friends and no family as there still in uk. We lived together and she moved out 4 months ago we kept contact and every weekend she would come stay we me. I was fighting with all my heart to save us, booked us in for massages staying in hotels helicopter rides dinner at the finest restraunts but all this was not out of the unusual for me to treat her like this. Two weeks ago she said she did not want me anymore and someone can make her more happy than I could. I’m struggling with the no contact I last about 2 days then I brake it yet no reply from her. Evey now and then I carnt hold the tears back. What hurts so much is that she seems to be dealing with this like the last five years never happened. I feel I will never love and meet someone like her again. Any advice would be much appreciated thanks x