“Tell me again how you went from loving me to not loving me…”
When we experience a devastating loss through a break-up or divorce, sooner or later we will ask ourselves two specific questions:
- How could s/he stop loving me so suddenly?
- How can I fall out of love, so that I won't have to endure this terrible emotional roller-coaster?
In the next few paragraphs, I will give you some answers and food for thought to these fundamental questions.
Also, I will show you how you can use this knowledge to get over your own break-up faster. (Along with some additional philosophical lines demonstrating why love isn't eternal).
So please read on.
The Definition Of Falling Out Of Love
Reasons Why People Fall Out Of Love
The Reason Why Exes Move On So Fast
How Can You Fall Out Of Love The Fastest Way Possible
Isn't Love Supposed To Be Eternal?
I had a client once – let's call her Jennifer – who came to me a few weeks after her husband left her unexpectedly. They had been on an incredible vacation together to Hawaii, and at the very hour of their return home, he broke the news to her.
That day she felt as if someone had beamed her up into another reality. The very fact that this happened so suddenly made her break down completely.
And moreover, why had he left her just after they had such an unforgettable time together?
“No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice”
The Definition Of Falling Out Of Love
Falling out of love is simply the opposite of falling into love – it's ceasing to love someone. It's an artificial phrase to describe an inexplicable circumstance.
An absence of love once present.
Which of course throws up even more questions, like when exactly does falling out of love happen? Is it a process, or does it happen from one moment to another?
Were those people ever IN love when they could fall OUT of love?
And most importantly – and here's the romantic soul in me speaking – isn't love supposed to last forever?
These are all great questions, all of which Jennifer had asked herself already while she was ranting to me about this man formerly known as her husband.
But before we can get to the bottom of this problem, we need to take a step back and acknowledge that most of us don't do things without a reason.
There's always a core motivation to our every action.
My experience with people is that we all have two core motivations to do something:
It's either to seek pleasure or to avoid pain (it's an ancient cave-man, brain-wiring thing).
So which one was it for Jennifer's husband?
Reasons Why People Fall Out Of Love
The number one reason people fall out of love – let's assume for a moment that this oxymoron is possible – is due to incompatibilities.
When we start a new relationship, everything seems to be perfect. We see the world through rose-colored glasses, and the whole world is love, peace, and harmony.
Your partner doesn't have ANY flaws whatsoever, you both are a perfect match to each other, and there's not a single thing in the world you can think of why you shouldn't be together forever.Love is a powerful mind-bending drug.
I'm not writing this out of sarcasm, in fact, I'm a big fan of love. And because I'm such a fan and maven of love, I know that it comes in different facets.
MORE: How I Found The Definition Of True Love
True love exists. It is what remains even when the fascination of the new fades out, and we suddenly and shockingly realize that our partner is all but perfect.
But at this point, when all of these flaws and shortcomings arise, many start to feel that this is not at all what they've signed up for.
Suddenly everything starts to become complicated and hard work.
That's why so many bail.
It's simply too arduous. And we don't want that.
Not when there's another potential candidate waiting in line ready to give us the love-drug again that we so dearly miss.
We want simple.
Again, I'm not sarcastic; I'm merely calling the ugly thing by its name.
This is the main reason people fall out of love – simply because they realize it's not at all what they wanted.
Can you prevent that from happening?
Well, for one, you can always be who you really are, and you can be completely honest about what you are expecting from your partner.
Idealization at the beginning of a relationship is ok to some degree, but you should always know your needs and see them being met.
Am I saying that it's your fault that your partner left?
I'm just saying that a relationship is an equilibrium of the wants and needs of two people, of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. And if that equilibrium gets out of balance, well then my friends, conflicts will occur.
Whose fault is that?
Exactly. No ones.
The Reason Why Exes Move On So Fast
The reasons why Jennifer's husband was able to move on so fast, and why the break-up was perceived as “out of the blue” by Jennifer, was because he started to separate himself emotionally from her a very long time ago.
He felt that the connection was lost and that his personal needs weren't fulfilled, so he decided – consciously or unconsciously – to detach himself from this marriage.
Slowly, step-by-step, day by day he slipped away more and more.
Of course, the signs were there. Jennifer must have seen them.
When my Ex left me back then, I also thought that it came out of the blue… like she just came up with that crazy idea to break up today.
“I don't love you anymore,” she said. As if she just wanted to see how I would react when she crushed my world.
Later I realized that there were tons of red flags.
I just chose to ignore them, just like someone chooses to ignore a painful, unwanted reality that so completely doesn't fit in their lives.
That was my only fault I share with Jennifer.
So why in hell haven't they said anything – given us a chance to change, repair, smooth things over – just to do something?
Well maybe they have, and we just didn't have the time to listen.
Or maybe they haven't.
Either way, it is not important whose fault it was.
It is important to know that they broke up with you a long time before you chose to accept it. Way before this painful, unwanted reality entered your life.
So, at the time of the actual break-up, Jennifer's husband was emotionally already where she would not be for at least another ten months.
That's the sad truth. An Ex can move on fast because they are simply miles ahead of us.
How Can You Fall Out Of Love The Fastest Way Possible?
So if our Exes were able to fall out of love with us, then shouldn't WE be able to follow suit? Right?
Yes, we can … we are NOT helpless.
Here's the agenda we need to accomplish:
We need to fall out of love with our Ex; we need to completely and utterly stop loving them. That means more precisely to stand in front of them and feel absolutely nothing.
Nada … as if we were standing in front of a stranger.
Given the fact that the addiction we have for our Ex is the root to all of our problems, it seems that this is the most desirable outcome.
I go yet one step further and say that the desire to do so is a precondition to recovery. You MUST WANT to fall out of love in order to heal and make way to the possibility of finding a better, more fulfilled relationship.
It is the right way. But the journey will be arduous.
As you may know, this said journey of break-up recovery leads you through different phases. All of which have their own pitfalls and challenges.
In a nutshell, when you want to heal from a broken heart you have to accomplish three miraculous things. You have to:
- contain the pain
- accept that it's over
- make the leap into independence
All of these will stretch you to the limit.
What I've experienced personally, and most of my clients have as well, is that the “out-of-love-falling” happens with the leap into independence, where we shift off our dependence to our Ex and take off our rose-colored glasses.
When we can truly see the world as it is again, with complete detoxification of the love-drug.
We then realize that we can very well make it alone, and we kick our Ex from their pedestal that we've built for them … with a blast.
MORE: Kicking The Ex From Their Pedestal – Getting Over A Break Up
This, and the time that follows is where “the magic” happens, and we simply fall out-of love and … hopefully, IN love again.
What did it for me personally, was a combination of self-realization, self-discovery and the complete physical absence of my Ex.
And as I preach so often my dear friends: it always starts with No-Contact. (You should sign-up to my newsletter if you need help with that).
One last mystery remains yet uncovered:
Isn't Love Supposed To Be Eternal?
“It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no ‘exit' signs in love, there is only an ‘on' ramp.”
I agree with this quote… with some reservations. Were ALL forms of love like the one eternal altruistic love, then yes… love would never die.
But knowing that there are many forms, including those created by our own power of will – remember how I once told you that I continuously forced myself to love my Ex – most love is mortal.Unfortunately not EVERY love we experience is THAT eternal altruistic love.
So when you find yourself alone, after your Ex's love for you has died, the question is NOT whether your love for him was THE “real” facet of love or not.
Nope my, friends.
The question is how fast will you realize that you MUST get rid of this love the fastest way possible.
Because it's either YOU kill it or, IT kills you.
This is not being un-romatic… there is no romance in one-sided love.
This is being realistic. This is me having seen far too many of you who suffered way beyond they should have.
This is me helping you to take this break-up, squeeze every single drop of insight out of it and use this knowledge to become a better person… and eventually to dare to start this whole thing all over again.
But this time I promise you… you will be more complete, wiser and also stronger.
So is it possible to fall out of love?
It is and it is not… it solely depends on you.
What do YOU think? Please share in the comment section below.
My ex and I broke up a week ago. We have been together for 8 years. Just before we broke up we had an argument about his texting a female co worker. I asked before I brought it up if he wanted to be with me and he said yes. When I asked him about the messages he got defensive. He said he was trying to make friends from work as he has asked another male co worker for his number too. He told me about that co worker but did not mention the woman. He even got defensive when I asked about her name. He tried to say I set the rules when I texted an ex 8 years ago so it was ok for him. He said he asked her for her number to get to know her better and possibly hang out. I stormed out with my stuff but later when I came back a few days later to talk he made up his mind to end things and I accepted it. He was rude when we last met and kept asking me to remain friends. I refused and told him I just need to move on. It’s devastating but I know I need to remain strong. I am realizing now that I have made everything about him during the relationship and have forgotten about my goals and what I want. There was an imbalance of one person giving too much. Right now I am trying to focus on myself. It is difficult not to think that he has an outlet for getting over the relationship while I am in pain.
My partner ended our relationship after 13 yrs. We have a daughter together. How can I get over him while still having to deal with him because of our daughter? He also has a new gf 2 months after we ended. Any advice or help is appreciated.
I too was 13years,,and he also has new relationship,,I was devastated,, but met him unexpectedly,when he looked so happy to see me and struck up a conversation,but for me I told him to go,,I have to realise my own worth and let him realise he can no longer communicate with me.as hard as it was ,I felt at the time of meeting he didnt deserve any communication.
My ex and I were together only 6 months but we had known each other previously. I honestly thought I found “the one”. He told me he loved me, we would be together a long time, we would buy a house one day, we had a trip planned together. We were very compatible, liked many of the same things and our birthdates were one day apart. People we know called us the “super couple”. However, I had suspicions that he was cheating on me. I saw all the red flags, well I tried not to see them but now I know I really did. So I confronted him about it, and he admitted it. However, he acted like a child, wouldn’t talk to me for a few days. After a few days passed he asked me to come over. I, for whatever reasons, wanted to try and work it out. He then told me he didn’t love me and thinks he never did. He said that I was a lot more “into” him than he was me. This devastated me. I ended up staying the night with him and also having sex again (I know idiot me). The next morning when I left, he hugged me tight and it seemed like he didn’t want to let go, but he did. It’s only been about a month since all of this happened, but I am completely heart broken. He won’t even speak to me when I see him out and about and I ALWAYS seem him around and it totally sucks. I’ve been told he has a new partner now and brags about it on Facebook all the time. He blocked me from Facebook right after the breakup so I cant see any of his posts…..and that is probably a good thing. So now I’m a total mess. I’m really depressed, think about him all the time and it drives me insane that I have no answers as to how he could have done this to me. Everyone we know that I have talked to it about say they were totally shocked as well. He seems to have moved right along and here I am stuck and that really makes me mad. I’ve been hurt before just as badly, if not worse, than this. The main difference is I didn’t see any of those people as someone I would really be with long term, but for this guy, I did. So I try to think about how I felt from past relationships, and realize that, at some point, I won’t feel this way any more. I won’t think about him all the time and when I see him I will feel nothing. I just wish I could get to that point fast. It is good, and bad, to know that I’m not the only one out there going through this crap. This article has helped too. Hang in there every one.
Hello, my ex from April 2014 to November 2015 recently broke up with me. It all started in erlie spring of 2014 . I had just became homless once again as I was since I was 15 on and off. At the time i was on warrent for a serious charge looking at quite some time .But this time I was told about a unique shelter called nova. ( ran threw the john Howard society) their I met this beautiful girl named tannis . we instantly clicked and I had seen in her eyes that her and I could relate our struggles with family but not only that feel nothing but ever ending happiness . couple months later I was locked away for my asault charge. The whole time I was in jail I was calling her and talking to her it helped me so much to know I had her to call and that I’d be happy when I was out. 7 1/2 months later I was out and she was mine again . from there I was back at nova and working on steps to have our own place. We got our place December just b4 Christmas was the best Christmas ever following into the best new years ever . we were both working and living alone and taking selfies and laughing and filled with love . this was the start of our new lives and new family. Then a friend stayed over and long story short he flooded our place by accident. From there we stuck it threw it was extremely hard but together we new we were stronger . august of 2015 we got in a fight she threatened to leave me . I was insecure and started to message other girls talking sexual and left the messages open as she found them . she was gunna leave me I stressed how I wouldn’t ever hurt her and how I was just insecure and shouldn’t of never done it so she stayed then she had threatened to leave again after another fight so I felt the need to keep talking to other girls . I loved tannis with everything in me and wanted nothing but to be happy with her and I seen it in her eyes as well. Late November tannis had been acting different that day wouldn’t say much was texting lots then out of the blue packed a small bag said shed be back in the am. I looked at her with a sure look that she wouldn’t be but instead of fighting more I said OK love you … And nothing was said back then I new from there I was dumped buy text. February of 2016 came tannis messaged me I returned it and she wanted me to meet her downtown erlie that morning so I did . only to find out she wanted to continue seeing me . I was fibaly happy again the emptyness was gone a month later looked to realize the tampons were not their questions were running three my head. So I asked….. My response was oh its none of ur business so I was rude and wanted to know so I snooped her phone to see it was some on else’s in fact someone who was less better looking less caring about her then I am and had been the one to knock her up . weeks past by we were still together but not dateing ad that was her choice not mine mine was just to be with her cuz it kept me happy . erlie April the day we met back in 2914 but now 2016 I walked out on her. But she must have known it was her fault bcs July a few days after her bday I got a message it was her again I new the circumstances but my love for her was and still is strong I took her back and she came to see me . then once again she stopped for a month or so then last time I seen her was august 2016 little over two months ago I looked to see she was messaging her baby daddy but not only just messaging…… So I did what I new the outcome would be and messaged him and when she left I told her threw text I told him she got mad and I haven’t seen her since . I talked at the beginning of the month on fb with her convo got rude and I’ve been blocked since. In that whole time she was pregnant I was with her threw most of it as he was not nor gave a shit clearly but she was and still is blind of it. She’s had the baby recently I’ve Hurd threw her mom and he wasn’t even there for her while she was giving birth as I would have been mine or not I love her to much to let her be threw that alone and it being her first kid and all. I don’t know what to do. I love this girl with all my heart. What I think happens is she never ment to leave she fucked up got pregnant and due to that and how I tried to express my feelings pushing personal boundries pushed her feelings away even more. I’m lost and hurt not knowing what to do if I get a message from my 1st committed longest and real relationship I had ever been to in . I’m 22 years old people say I’m young yes but that won’t change the fact she was and still is the girl I want to spend the rest if my life with ….. This tears me knowing she’s lost feelings her baby don’t want her but she don’t want me and knowing shell be looking for someone soon and if she doesn’t find someone I know I’ll be the one she messages but will it be for real this time I know her having a baby that isn’t mine won’t change my love for her but with it change hers for me will we ever be able to find that connection we once had :,(
I was the one who left him due to the fact that we doesn’t match. Now because of the sorrow he has left home. His friends are telling me to bring him back home. But I not supposed to care right? But the truth is I care. I care a hell lot. What am i supposed to do?
Hi all… I know this comment comes a bit late but jeez do we all have it rough. I ended a 7year relationship just two weeks ago. He cheated and I stayed. We tried to make it work but the trust was not there and by God it was getting unhealthy. All I can think about is him, he made it clear that he intends on moving on whilst I’m stuck on a glimmer of hope…. Guys it agony. I can’t sleep and I can’t seem to stomach anything anymore. I took a week long trip to try and get him out of my system but my heart knows what it wants but my mind won’t allow me to settle. The honeymoon stage ended long ago but we both wanted and needed each other so badly it hurt. When I found out what he did it came as the biggest shock of my life since we had just celebrated our 6years together. For the fact that even after I forgave him he was confused as to if he wanted me or not should have pushed me to make the decision earlier but I took him back and ended up hurting myself even more. I lost my best friend in the process. I’m losing myself to grief and I’m not sure how do I truimph after this. The truth is even though it’s over and even though I feel like there isn’t anything anyone can do or say to change the fundamental fact that I Am Still Inlove with him. I want to stop because I can’t breath and live with that anymore. I love him and I don’t know how to stop . I need help I just can’t take it anymore
How you doing now?
My ex broke up with me, after 4 years together, and deep down I’m still in love with him. That was 7 years ago. Meanwhile, I’ve been dating someone new for 6 years, we got married last year. And yet, I still think and dream about my ex.
I’m in the middle of a very strong love relapse for him right now. It makes me feel very disconnected from my husband, and I keep daydreaming about the ex. Wish I knew how to let him go for good, but I feel I’ll never will.
How could you find and marry someone and still be in love? I just lost my bf and cannot imagine ever being with someone I have no desire to date anyone else different tho I know I should
Hi everyone, like most of you here I’m also dealing with a breakup. I won’t go into my story for this post as I just want to let you all know that I know it isn’t easy. Some days you just feel like you can’t breathe.
Other days, you just think it is a nightmare that you want to quickly wake up from.
We all love with all our heart, mind, body and soul. When we love the person, it often seems like it would be forever and that no one or nothing could break that.
Well, that is true. But not everyone is capable of doing that. And the fact that you can do it only means that when you get with someone who can do it too, you’d have what we call “eternal love”.
Have you ever wondered why some people survive even when the odds are against them? Think about cases where someone is diagnosed with some illness that doctors all give up on him or her.
But for some reason, they survived. They beat the odds and recovered fully.
Then there are others who don’t fight for their lives or simply cave in.
Is there anything that you can do for them? Maybe. Is there a guarantee that you can help them? Probably not.
So when people choose to give up and not work on fixing things, that’s essentially what they are. Maybe even that’s who they are.
Like most of you, I want to believe that I was in love with someone of substance, someone special, someone whom I built dreams with.
But if they are the type to give up, they will continue to do so for their next relationship or other aspects of their lives.
And there’s not much you can do for them except to wish them the best, because you love or loved them.
My partner of 9 years and husband of 3 years left me 4 months ago. Luckily we are only 33 and have no children – though we were going to start trying this year. At the time it felt out of the blue but looking at it with the benefit of hindsight there were so many clues there. He said all the right things and straight after the bomb drop I found myself scrawling through texts where he would say ‘Love you’ or a voicemail from the week he left saying how much he loved me and couldn’t wait to get home to see me. He said all the right things but his actions were of a man checked out. He told me he had started to fall out of love with me 6months before he left, he was too scared to say anything as he didn’t want to upset me but by the time he eventually plucked up the courage he was already over it. We spent 2months in a kind of limbo not talking and having a semi (logistics about home / bills meant we had to talk) no contact separation. I wasn’t clingy or begging him back, I tried to have an adult conversation with him but he would just keep repeating all the things I had done wrong, crying and telling me how bad his situation was as he is now having to live with his family until he can find a place. This is not the man I married. I was feeling better about things: started seeing a therapist immediately, signed up to a great evening course that will help me change career path, have lost loads of weight so am looking better than ever before and I have been asked out a lot over the last few months (declined them all). I felt like things were getting on track then last week my ex emailed telling me he has filed for divorce and he has put all the bills etc in my name, so we no longer need to speak anymore. Since then he has become really active on social media – he can’t sneeze without commenting or putting up a picture. He is out every night, he’s lost weight, he looks good, he looks like a new man, smiling, happy, new clothes and out with friends drinking… Where as since he told me about the divorce I have been unable to sleep, I look like rubbish and I just can’t stop crying. Its hit me out of nowhere. I was honestly feeling very stable about things and how it was best for both of us to have a clean split whilst we are still young and can move on with out lives. I can meet someone who does love and want to be with me… but now I feel worse than ever. People mentioned that I’ve almost been coping ‘too well’ over the last few months and I just thought that was because things weren’t great with my ex so maybe a part of me had already checked out also. But this crying at the smallest thing, no sleep, obsessed with his social media… Its new. Is it just going to keep getting worse? All I want to do is curl up and cry. I think my friends & family are officially sick of me repeating the same things over and over…. I just don’t know how to work through this. I don’t miss him per se, I miss the security of the relationship and what he represented. But now I’ve been burnt so badly I don’t know how I will ever trust again. I should also mention that my ex has had an awful year prior to the breakup with a close family member (a child) being diagnosed with terminal cancer: they don’t expect them to last the year so I am aware that this may have had an impact on things. I just don’t know how to cope anymore. I can’t look after my ex anymore so now i’m just left with this empty feeling and pain.
How are you now I wonder?
Hi Alice. So sorry to hear of the pain you are in and I fully understand and feel your pain as I to are going through the same thing with my ex. I think it’s mixed feelings of hurt, pain, anger and love that we have for them hay makes it all so hard to cope with. I feel I take one step forward and ten steps back every day. I have never felt so much pain and I should have as I had lost my parents at a very young age. My heart feels like it is going to explode with both sadness and anger. Sometimes i can’t breath. Also what hurts is the fact they can move on so quickly and we can’t which manned us feel like we meant nothing to them in the first place. I do believe hay hey checked out along time before they left which doesn’t make it any easier as we think we deserve more of an effort to make it work. My husband and I had been together for 30 years and he started looking to have an affair 8 years ago and successfully found someone 3 years ago. After hiding it for 1.5 years before I found out and then we went to counselling to try and work it out and myself and the kids were promised that he would never have anything to do with her again I found out after another 2 years that he had been seeing her all along. I thought the pain the second time around would be easier but I wAs wring and now I find myself stalking him and his moves and re questioning his words and actions and I feel I’m going insane. My emotional state is a train wreck and I can’t move forward either. I think that after reading your story at least I know our feelings must be normal which is good because their is hope for us to feel better. I think part of the healing process is to learn to love ourselves and rid ourselves of any blame. Try writing down all the things that you can be eventually thankful for for him leaving you, repeat these to yourself every time You feel lost and hurt. Eventually you will believe then and feel free.
Mine were I love you — unconditionally. I forgive you unconditionally. Thankyou for teaching me life’s valuable lessons. Thankyou for setting me free. Thankyou for teaching me what real love looks like. Thankyou for teaching me to love myself so l can find true love. Thankyou for freeing me in order to grow old with the right person for the right reasons. Thankyou for being my greatest teacher in life!!! I appreciate it. With each sentence use his name and breath. I hope you heal quickly and find the true love of your life.
What´s even better then the article (in itself good) are all these comments, people opening out, others calming them down and sending warmth. I feel like in group therapy somehow.
It has been only 10 days since my break up, but it feels much, much longer. God knows we had been breaking up with each other by withdrawing internally and physically for months before that. However we lived together, and it being my first live-in relationship, it has been incredible how noticable the lack of another´s voice is, of their daily chatter and presence…I almost even miss the arguments because they discharged some kind of passion. Overall, I miss him incredibly much, though I am the one that was more adamant about finally ending it.
There are millions of reasons why we broke up. There are almost as many reasons to try to stay together. But in the end, I want us so much to be happy. Him and me separately happy, because now I see that we need different things, interpret life differently, want a different future. I dont see him in my future, this is true. But I feel as if I was seeing him now, before my eyes….and it´s like this every day. The only comfort I have is prayer and the feeling that it´s as tough for him as for me, but that nonetheless he understands why we had to end it. And also self-love, and exercise and respect for my mental and physical health are what keeps me going and living. And maybe, though Im not sure about this, it´s also the desperate wish NOT to stop loving, not to let my heart turn into a stone. I love him, but I needed more than he could give. I loved him, but imperfectly and our differences were insurmountable. Now I just need to accept this.
how do you sleep at night thinking about them? i think I’m fine threw out the day because i occupied my self with work and other activities but as soon as i get home it hits me specially when i get in to the bedroom and see our bed that we shared. it kills me inside knowing that she left me.