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How To Get Control Back After A Break-Up

Photo by: ~Jetta Girl~

Dear Eddie,

My actual breakup occurred several months ago, and I immediately initiated the “No Contact” rule, which included “unfriending” “Him” on Facebook, deleting all his texts and his phone number from my phone, and deleting all emails and his email address.

My sanity truly depended on it.

I did, however, receive a text from my former boyfriend on Mother’s Day, wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day.

I chose to not respond immediately. I gave it 24 hours and during that 24 hours I became increasingly agitated, so I decided to text him a message before deleting the text he had sent.

I told him not to ever contact me again. He broke my heart, so he didn’t have the right.

I also told him I was aware that he had dumped me for a lady who has money and that he was clearly not the person I thought he was.

It felt so empowering to be the one to tell him to not contact me and to make him aware I knew why he had ended our relationship. Funny how the truth always comes out.

My point in sharing this is to hopefully help others.

Every time I feel myself slipping back into the black hole of grief over a love lost, I think of the strength it took for me to send the text to tell him to never contact me again.

I was the one in control, and, by not having contact with him, I remain in control.

With each day, I am feeling myself getting stronger and stronger, and I truly know this could not be happening if I was having any contact whatsoever with my former love interest.

Admittedly it is tempting to go on Facebook to search by his name to see if there are any pictures posted on his page with his new girlfriend, but I fight the urge and I am succeeding.

It takes a lot of strength and courage, but I know I can do it and again with every temptation that I do not give into, I am winning.

I am grateful for discovering you online and believe it was not by accident that I did. It’s like therapy.

When the urge strikes to give into temptation, I just look you up and there is all the support I need to remain strong.

Thank you!

Cheryl

Dear Cheryl,

Thank you for your kind words.  I think you are a shining example on how one can re-gain their power by actively taking control of their recovery.

What you did was a hard-core version of the No-Contact letter that I recommend sending out to your Ex just before cutting off all contact, (check out my newsletter for the template).

You messaged him as a response to his contact to you, and I understand that his “Happy Mother’s Day” wishes may have appeared like a hypocritical insult to you.

I don’t know the exact circumstances of your break-up, but if there was some sort of betrayal or deception involved on the part of your Ex, then sending out an “anger-loaded” No-Contact response may feel liberating, (always be civilized though).

It’s like getting things out of your system.

However, I think that it’s always some kind of betrayal when your partner decides that they don’t want to stay in the relationship any longer – at least in our eyes.

It doesn’t even have to be dishonesty coming from the Ex.  The mere fact that they walk away is simply a break of trust.

Why did they have to destroy a seemingly perfect relationship?

That’s why I always recommend that, just for the week right after the break-up, (but no more), you try everything to get a sense of what happened. An attempt to get some kind of closure….

“Do what you have to do” I always say in my coaching.

And after this one week, send out the No-Contact Letter and cut off all contact.

Radically.

There are two main things that happen to people right after the split… if they allow it:

1. A loss of power and control
Things keep happening to you that you seem to have no control over.

2. Destructive passiveness
You feel helpless, you keep reacting to your Ex and their actions… they whistle, you hop.

I think I’ve written this formula many times on this site, but it’s so important that I can’t post it often enough:

Passiveness = Death
Activeness = Progression

Starting No-Contact means taking control of your life.  It means being active in contrast to feeling helpless.

Like Cheryl said, “I was the one in control, and, by not having contact with him, I remain in control”.

I’ve sang many hymns of praise since 2005 about the 60 Days No-Contact Rule, simply because it’s the most effective tool to eliminate the stressors in your recovery and fully concentrate on yourself.

I know that you don’t really want to do it.

I know that you can name 50 reasons NOT to do it.

But why not try it out?

You are not manipulating your Ex or playing any tricks. You are simply taking the time you need to heal.

Time to re-build yourself.

Is that selfish?

Well, actually I think that this is open to discussion. Is it selfish to take any measure necessary to heal? Is it selfish to put YOUR needs before the person who actually left you?

Follow Cheryl and take control into your hands today… you might even find you have a knack for it.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

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64 Responses to How To Get Control Back After A Break-Up

  1. Sue July 23, 2013 at 5:15 pm #

    Dear Eddie, I am on day 4 of NC again, i might add, but this time it’s working. I feel better because now I’ve taken the time to really focus on the break up and why he left. And you are right, when someone walks away from you, that is a break of trust. He left me for another woman in spite of his denial. Even after I saw the pics he still lies about it.

    One thing confuses me, I’ve asked him over and over to change his address and he says he has but it’s clear that he hasn’t. What’s up with that? I am finally angry now. No more pathetic me. Good riddance to him! NC will help me to see things clearly and I will never take him back. Trust me and believe he will contact me eventually and I will be strong enough to delete. Love this website and your guidance. Could not have done it without you!

    • Eddie Corbano July 23, 2013 at 8:08 pm #

      Thanks Sue and congrats on the 4th day of NC.

      This is really the key, to shift your focus from your Ex to yourself, that’s why all the questions about him will become irrelevant the more NC days you have under your belt.

      This journey is about YOU and YOU are in the middle of it.

      Hang in there!

  2. Ruth July 24, 2013 at 3:22 am #

    Hi Eddie, almost 11 months of NC and I have succeeded a LOT in terms of regaining my strength and confidence. You’re right, in the first few weeks of the breakup I questioned every bit of what has happened. Now that my mind is clearer and I am stronger, I finally understand that no reason could ever explain or justify the fact that he just gave up on me when I was (at that time) still there, trying to fix things. You said it perfectly, “The mere fact that they walk away is simply a break of trust.” Maybe he got tired or found someone else, it won’t make a difference on how I felt right?

    Every time I read your article I just feel that I take in a breath of fresh air and you add more fuel to my drive of moving forward. It’s like you are my online best friend who makes me feel good about myself. I can never thank you enough Eddie. More power to you!

  3. Francesca July 24, 2013 at 3:29 am #

    Hi Eddie. Thanks for your articles. Here’s my story. I met my ex while living overseas. We ended up spending 4 years together, living together for half of that. We were best friends, travelled together, he flew back with me each Christmas to spend time with my family. We met in our mid 20’s, I thought we would grow to want the same things. 2 years in I brought up marriage, he said he wanted to get there with me and just needed time. It finally came to a head about 3 months ago when we broke up. I said I couldn’t keep waiting especially as I was living apart from my family in my home country. We have since emailed and met up. He says he is still battling in his mind whether to marry me or not. I am looking for jobs back home and have told him this. We obviously care for one another, he says he still loves me and misses me but that hasn’t helped make up his mind. He says he can’t imagine being less scared with anyone else and has started seeing a counsellor. He has also said this is not about being with another woman but that he has enjoyed being single for a while. He was in a 5 year relationship before me (4 month gap in between). He says he is worried that i may have relied on him too much. I don’t know what to do or what to believe anymore. I know we haven’t gone NC and I understand that will have to start at some point. I worry that I can’t let go and if I move country that will close a door on any possibility that was left. We always talked about getting married and about our children, I can’t disconnect him from the picture. This is the worst pain ever. At 28 I am fearful I won’t find it. This was my first love, long term relationship and first time living with someone. I don’t choose other human beings lightly be it friendships or romantic relationships. I really thought he was my person. Appreciate your insight:)

    • Arun Kumar July 25, 2013 at 8:59 am #

      Dear Francesca,

      Try NO-CONTACT, if he truly loves you, He will be worried why you are not contacting him.. He will come back. If it’s meant, he will definitely marry you.

      “If you love something, let it go, if it comes backs, it is yours, if not it was not meant to be”

      From core of my hurt, I pray that you two get married and live happily.

      Be Brave..

      • Griselda August 27, 2015 at 3:24 am #

        I know how your feeling and what you mean when you say you’re scared to lose that feeling of what if there is a chance of marriage. I have been in a relationship for eight years. And he has never brought it up. He says he doesn’t know what he wants. I know in my part it is crazy for me to stay with him. But same as you I’m scared that he will no longer carw then. This break up has been very depressing for me and fustrating. We’ve been apart for over a month and a half. He calls me when he wants and answer my calls when he feels like it. I always find myself calling him. But like you i’m afraid to take the challenge of NC for the fear of losing my love.

  4. Mpho July 24, 2013 at 8:22 am #

    Hi Eddie,

    First of all I want to thank you for all the help and support and really want to also thank Cheryl for her post, seeing that I am not going through this alone is comforting. I am on day 12 today of the no-contact rule and received an email from my ex this morning, because of my hard work in building up my NC days I deleted it without reading it, NOTHING positive can come from reading it.

    I feel in control now and have never been stronger. I have my ups and downs but whenever I wake up without my ex on my mind it motivates me even more that I am truly on the right track, thanks again for all your help Eddie.

  5. Arun Kumar July 24, 2013 at 1:25 pm #

    Dear All,

    No!! it is not selfish to put YOUR needs before the person who actually left you. They will not bother if we die also. These people who left us, who didn’t even bother to tell a reason for leaving us. We should not think about them anymore. They are not worth it and they are not same person we used to know. My first love broke up with me. I messaged her so many times, but she would not reply. When she messaged it was after 4 hrs and 1 day later. I used to feel like i am being ignored. If I don’t message her or call her she would also not. After 7 days she messaged, out of the blue, I thought she realized that how much I love here. She asked me how r u? Have you eaten lunch. Messaged me every 2 hrs (as she used to do when she was with me). But that was not the case. She just wanted me to help her find a job.. Then also I helped here. After that no calls or messages even to thank me. If I would have helped a stranger he would have blessed me from my heart.

    Leave your ex behind, don’t allow them to use you. They are totally changed.

    • Mpho July 24, 2013 at 1:34 pm #

      I could not agree with you more Arun, my ex also did the same thing, borrowed money from me and out of the love I still had for her and was concerned about her well-being I lent it to her, but asked for a repayment as soon as she could just so that she can know that this was not a hand out…till this day I have not seen a cent of it, but it was money well spent to get her out of my life, we should all learn from these mistakes, be firm and not become their emergency button when things go sour in their lives, I am on day 13 of my NC today and feel great!

  6. MEOB July 24, 2013 at 3:02 pm #

    My wife left me for another man (a friend of mine who was married to a friend of my wife’s) 6 months ago, and as we have children together, some contact was essential, or at least that is what I told myself until recently.

    I found that all of the little things she said and did, smiling at me, inviting herself into my flat, commenting that things weren’t going well in her new relationship, even playing football with the children outside my flat on one occasion, were stopping me from moving on with my life.

    The truth was that I desperately wanted to stay available to her in case she changed her mind. Even after I had concluded that we couldn’t be together because of what she had done, I wanted her to want me and I didn’t want to close that door, and I think that in her mind, this was fine as it provided a sort of insurance policy.

    I finally decided that I should minimise the contact as much as possible, so doing exchanges of the children at arm’s length, only communicating by email, and then only essential contact, and we started this only a week ago.

    For a few days this was very painful, almost as bad as at the beginning, because while she ended things 6 months ago, I hadn’t in my mind until I made this decision, but I knew this pain was temporary, and that I would no longer have to deal with the pain I was experiencing 2 or 3 times a week by seeing her up close.

    Now though, I have to say that this was the best decision I have made since the breakup. It feels liberating, and I finally feel like I have some control back over my own life. It has given me back my confidence and for the first time since the breakup I am now putting my needs ahead of hers in my thoughts and actions.

    All the books I had read, all the sites I had visited, and all the people I had spoken to had all recommended this course of action, but I wasn’t ready until I was ready. I had to get there in my own time, and I did, but I have to say that I underestimated the effect it would have on my recovery, and I wish I’d done this months ago. Now that she is truly out of my life (well, mostly), I feel that I can finally move on.

    One word of caution though, don’t expect your ex to simply accept this. If they are anything like mine they will be used to you doing what they want/need you to do, and when that changes, even if they initially accept it, you can expect some blowback. My ex has accused me of being controlling simply because I have told her what my terms are for contact. It is true, I am being controlling, but only of my own life and destiny. She simply doesn’t like the fact that her safety net is gone.

    To anyone working through a breakup, I highly recommend this course of action. As soon as you are ready, do it, you won’t regret it.

  7. Arun Kumar July 25, 2013 at 7:46 am #

    Dear all my comrades,

    Remember just one thing,

    There is no need to help or care for your ex now. When you were with them, you did every thing for them.
    They have got another person to look after them and care of them. If they are coming up to you for help now especially after they cut off all the contacts and have not contacted you for sometime and out of the blue some day, they msg or call you, they are simply upto something.(its very rare that they will come back to you, to be in love with you again) My love also used me when her NEW LOVE could not find her a job. Wow, what a great feeling, the person you loved so much, now have learnt to USE YOU. They think we are madly in love with them and will do whatever they want. Our bleeding heart forces us to help them, those who left us for someone else, at a time when we needed them the most.

    Now its time to leave the past behind, and take care of yourself. Just be disciplined in your no contact. Don’t msg or call them back. You are not their toy that whenever they want to play with you, you allow them to do so. Think from your mind not your bleeding heart. After breaking my NC 3 times I have now planned to go through 60 days whatever happens now. I messaged her never to contact me and to get out of my life forever. She replied me back saying that cannot be we GOOD FRIENDS. I thought she once swore me her undying love and now she just want to be friends. I don’t want such a cheap friend. I didn’t reply her. Its day 4 today, and I am feeling great to have my power back. Thanks Eddie and Mpho

    • Sue July 25, 2013 at 8:46 am #

      Thanks to all,

      I am having a difficult night. It’s day 5 of NC and I feel good for the most part of the day. Then comes the evening of triggers. I still live with the triggers he left behind in our home. I’ve had cleansing rituals and the like but I just can’t help feeling sad remembering what we had. I’m sure I’ve been replaced by now and your message reminding me that their care is no longer our concern really puts things into perspective for me

      I use this website as my personal therapy to get me through the difficult times. I know I should not care but I so wish for him to be as miserable as me. Probably not but it feels good to say it out loud. Tonight is a full moon and I am more anxious than ever. I do know one thing. I have no desire to stalk him as I did early on. The chores he did are my daily triggers but I am learning one hour at a time. Totally appreciate the good advice and just for being here when I need to vent. God bless you all.

      • Mpho July 25, 2013 at 9:12 am #

        Morning All,

        Today marks another day of my recovery thanks to the NC rule. I received an email from my ex this morning “Hi Mpho, how are you doing” and for the first time in a while I was not struck by an immediate feeling of anxiety or panick attacks, I just simply laughed it off and deleted with no reply, I will not give up my power!

        Sue, when I went through my breakup I stayed at the apartment I used to share with my ex, mostly because I did not want to fully let go hoping that she will change her mind and see that I was far better than the person she cheated on me with but not knowing what pain I was inflicting on myself, so I took a BIG move by actually finding a new place for myself, she left some stuff behind that triggered all emotions and memories and when I moved to my new place I packed all her stuff in a box and dropped them off with security at her workplace.

        By all means, in order to fully let go, we need to erase every single thing that reminds us of our ex, every single t-shirt, shoe, cap, picture everything and YES move to a new place and start afresh.

        I know how you are feeling Sue and it is a hard road, but once acceptance sinks in and you move on without looking back, you will be stronger than ever…keep your head up, be strong.

        • Sue July 25, 2013 at 2:08 pm #

          Thanks for your words of wisdom. I can’t wait for the time when I will feel better and be stronger. I know I have come along way but as everyone knows his is a long hard road. This is my home that I purchased before the marriage so I will need to remove everything that even smells like him. Trigger milestones are coming up for me and I am trying to remain confident that I will get through them all. 10 year anniversary, his birthday and the end of Ramadan.

          And you are right, this is recovery. I entered into a NC contract I tound on line and it reads as a rehab program for drug addiction. This is truly an addiction because it was so toxic and bad for me. I continue to read my journals that reflect the awful things in our relationship and that keeps me focused.

          The support I find here is so very helpful. This has been a horrible experience for us all however I am so grateful for the positive connections we’ve made. Wow, what powerful individuals we are becoming! Thanks again.

        • Arun Kumar July 26, 2013 at 6:46 am #

          Dear Mpho,

          Very Good……
          Stay strong. We deserve someone better than our ex.

  8. Arun Kumar July 25, 2013 at 8:09 am #

    Dear All My Friends,

    Here is a list of quotes that cheers me up. Have a read.

    -Your mind is like this water my friend, when it is agitated it becomes difficult to see. But if you allow it to settle, the answer becomes clear. (This one when you don’t understand why your ex left you at that time, think from a calm mind, and you will get the answer).

    -No matter how difficult the past, you can always begin again today.

    -Our body is precious. It is our vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.

    -Joy comes not through possession or ownership but through a wise and loving heart.

    -Learn to let go. That is the key to happiness.

    -Just as a snake sheds its skin, we must shed our past over and over again.

    -In life we cannot avoid change, we cannot avoid loss. Freedom and happiness are found in the flexibility and ease with which we move through change.

    In the end these things matter most: How well did you love? How fully did you live? How deeply did you learn to let go?

    -Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind. To be happy, rest like a great tree in the midst of them all.

    -Forgiveness is primarily for our own sake, so that we no longer carry the burden of resentment. But to forgive does not mean we will allow injustice again.

  9. Tom July 25, 2013 at 8:04 pm #

    Dear friends,

    My gf broke up with me about 3 months ago and I was a mess. I had a best friend who I went to to talk to because it was a rough time. He told me to move on and see other girls, but I couldn’t put it on my conscience in case we got back together. Yes, I had hope we would get back together and it was such a big mistake.

    I did not contact her, nor did she contact me. We were both at a bar a couple of weeks ago at my best friend’s show and she did not even look at me. That’s when I realized I had to push forward and get out of this rut, and it seemed to be working. I still had some anxiety, but was eating more and sleeping more. Then my whole world crashed on my head.

    She in a letter mailed to me that she could not accept the concert tickets I got her before we broke up, hoped I was feeling better, but had moved on and is seeing someone else. I call my best friend and ask him because we were all friends during the relationship. He said he knew, but didn’t want to tell other people’s business. I was not really happy with that answer but whatever. Then later that night he texted me saying we need to talk there are a couple important things that I’m unaware of.

    I go to his house and he tells me he is the someone else. Yes my best friend who I have known since I was 8, we’re 22 now, is sleeping with my ex gf who he knew I was so messed up from and went to him every week to just talk. I talked to another friend, John and find out that my best friend told him weeks ago that they had sex, before we went to the bar. That’s probably the reason why she did not look at me. And what’s worse he was quite brazen inviting us both after that happened.

    His excuse was that there was no plans it just happened. He felt guilty at first, then SHE said it didn’t have to do with me so it was basically fine. It was not done it spite, but I said this stuff does not happen. This is just wrong. He then went on to say I could have treated her better and he really didn’t have anything else to say. She told me she was breaking up with me because she didn’t feel the same, but it was also things I did. I was never told this by her but found out from John because my best friend told him.

    I left saying I can no longer be friends with him if this continues, he will not hear from me again. And all this time I was still going to him for support while they already were starting something. I feel so betrayed. I feel like he is justifying this because I was not as good as a friend while he was going through a breakup, but this is more than being a bad friend. This just tells me they both are not worth my time, and definitely not getting back with her. It’s been a rough couple of days, but I have to power through with my life. My friends are disgusted and in disbelief and not happy with this, but what can you do you can’t control people do.

    I’m still in disbelief that this is happening, not only did I lose a gf but a best friend who I thought I would have for the rest of my life. I don’t know where to really start because my anxiety and sleeplessness is back and I have been going to a therapist.

    Thanks for reading,

    Tom

    • Mpho July 26, 2013 at 10:28 am #

      Man Tom, I am so sorry my man, this is the most terrible thing that can ever happen in a breakup. I think its best to cut both of them off, betrayal from a gf is one thing but a best friend…that is something no one should put up with.

      Try Eddie’s breathing technique for the anxiety and keep seeing that therapist, therapy helped me out a lot and it will not fail you.

      Be strong man.

    • Poppy August 3, 2013 at 6:58 am #

      Tom, wow. I am so sorry. You have lost so much. Dont let this make you bitter. You are a better person, more integrity, than them. Someone special will come along who will want to write both of those jackasses a letter thanking them for their bad judgment because it enabled her excellent luck in finding you.

    • noirdude January 14, 2014 at 1:47 am #

      yeah same thing happened to me some years ago. the girl broke my heart giving me the old “i love you but i’m not in love with you / i just wanna be friends” speach. me, her and the friend kind of had the same circle of friends and those 2 had been around each other before me and her even met and did not feel any attraction at all for each other but i think the urge to “do something naughty” is just too much for some people to resist becasue after she dumped me all of a sudden her and this friend of mine started to feel an attraction for each other. i think it’s a negative excitement thing of “we’re doing something we shouldn’t be doing” anyrate after they became an item he was completely remorseless and unapologetic even worse than her and needless to say we were never friends again after that. and the few times i was in their presence (again same circle of friends) it was almost like they were rubbing it in my face. i expect chicks to pull that kinda crap because i don’t usually pick the best but i definitely expected more from my friend.

  10. Richard July 26, 2013 at 6:49 am #

    OMG, Tom, what a crushing story…I feel so bad for you.

    What you have to do is a double no-contact: Your ex-girlfriend, and your ex-best friend. Yup…in this case, cut off all contact with both. They have both betrayed you, and are not worth your time–nor your tears.

  11. Tess July 27, 2013 at 1:40 am #

    Having trouble with no contact at the mo.came to this site nearly 4 yrs ago after a split from by boyfriend of 4 yrs.Took me about 2 yrs to get over him.Seen men since him but not been able to fall in love and wondered it i had a problem in doing this las I was very hurt after the break up.met somebody else last sept through friends,things were going great alnd he was so keen.sent me flowers on v day something I hadn’t had in such a long time and wasnt used to the affection he was giving me but all the same was starting to have feelings of love for him something I thought I could never have again.only problem is he lives in my home town birmingham and I live liverpool.i had been wanting to move bk home for a hole and he knew this.after 4 mths he needed it blaming it on the distance ,although I said I was happy to come home at the wkends and would eventually move back.we slept together one last time after he said he wanted to end it one Friday night ,before that she. I arrived at his he said can u give me two days to think about us.i know I should not have slept with him but thought I could maybe win him back with this but now I know u can never really win a man back with sex .because of the sex I got so attached to him and also said he was eriuos about me and pretty much led me up the garden path with all the things he said to me.i am now have similar feelings as I did when my last bf split up with me even though this latter relationship was a lot shorter.i cared for him so much even though we only really saw each other a handful of times as we live a couple if hrs away from each other.he seemed to change his mind over me in 3 days like he just turned a switch so that’s what also hurts me.i blame myself again for the split and keep going over little pathetic things that I could have done to cause it .i feel I have so much to give to somebody but just feel like I’m being punished for this to happen again .the guys I like always seem to end it and the go on go meet the live of their life straight after me which burst as I feel I have something bay wrong with me and can’t have a proper relationship with any man so have been questioning myself a lot.im seeing a counsellor and taking antidepressents but don’t really want to be on these as I feel like they will blunt my feelings and get an nous about them not making me not be able to feel proper love which I think I have some problems with anyway.anyway after we sit he contacted me a couple of times asking if I was ok maybe to ease his conscinse as we have mutual friends and have stayed fb friends .i keep wanting to take him off but I can’t bring myself to do it.ive blocked his news feeds but keep going on his page.ive tried to deactivate my account a couple of times but it doesn’t work.he has a new gf now from work and there are pics all over his wall and he is proper loved up.it hurts like hell whenever I see it but just can’t stop myself.even if I was to block him I just feel like I would u block him and his statuses and pictures can be see. By everyone even if ur not his friends.i feel like I’ve become obsessed and I hate myself for it.skmetimes I think I’m ok the i feel so hurt again and sad.its just be was so keen and the sex was amazing .i was quite quiet around him though as I was nervous because I liked him so much.maybe he didnt like that.i met his little boy and he was chuffed that he liked me.now I’m comparing myself to his new gf.i just don’t think ill ever meet anyone that accepts as I am.hate feeling like this and I know I’m my own worst enemy for checking his page but can’t stop and can’t keep my account deactivated.just feel bitter if I block him as he blamed the split on the distance which is fair enough.just feel like a worthless person again right now :((

  12. Tess July 27, 2013 at 1:46 am #

    I’m not contacting him in any other way I stopped texting after I saw him that last weekend when we slept together.just can’t seem to stop the facebook thing.i thought about coming off facebook altogether rather the. Deactivated which I ways reverse but seems abit drastic.i just have no will power at the moment

  13. Tess July 27, 2013 at 2:27 am #

    Sorry for my previous long post.been reading some articles on here and maybe I’m addicted to my ex and that’s why I keep going on facebook to see what he is up to.this is probably wrong to say this but I feel like he made me that way.i have myself to him sexually and he led me on telling me a number of things like he was serious about me and I wasn’t just a fling ,sending me flowers ,saying I that I was maybe the one after the fourth date (although he has been on coke that night) which I had taken with him.everything was so exciting with him maybe that’s why I miss him so much .just feel so hurt by him and I’m carrying around the same feeling I did whe. My last bf of 4 years ended things.just don’t feel I’m compatible with anyone .i was quietist and shy around him but I was nervous around him as I liked him so much.he is quite loud and used to call me posh compared to him .jusy hot attached more becuase of the sex too and he said it was good too.we had sex only after the 5th date but just feel like I shouldn’t have given myself so easily as I know this makes me more attached a person but maybe it’s different for men?some doesn’t get as attached ?i don’t know.anyway any advice would be appreciated.i know I have to take him off fb but kind of want to show him eventually that I’ve loved on maybe with someone else in the future,although he prob wont care so I should just take him off,I feel so childish over this but I know if I block or defriend him there will be some regret

  14. Tess July 27, 2013 at 2:25 pm #

    Well I’ve done it ive blocked him and its going to be for good.reading some of the stuff and articles on here helped me with my decision thanks a lot Eddie and everybody else xxx

  15. Emilio July 28, 2013 at 7:58 pm #

    I literally want to die right now. I posted on another blog on here about my 2 year relationship where I completely fell head over heals for her. After it being non defined for first few months we stopped talking for about 2 months and I then was in a horrific car accident that I shouldn’t have lived thru. After 2 months in the hospital then 5 months in my parents basement cause I couldn’t climb stairs or live by myself. I wouldn’t let her come to the hospital to see me cause I didn’t want to see any1 and was a mess. She finally just started showing up and didn’t care what I said. When I got to my parents from the hospital she started coming all the time and when I was finally able to start going out again we became very close. We were together everyday. She would call on her way to work at 6am text me all day then call as soon as she was out of work. She would tell me she never had more fun. Never was more comfortable. Never enjoying spending as much time with any1 in her life. We did everything together. Then after about a year and a half of hanging out together our diff. In age started bother her. She 26. I’m 37. She would make it like almost a joke but I knew it wasn’t entirely 1. Shouldn’t that bother U when u first meet me and I first took her out. It wasn’t an issue for a year and a half. Now it is? But that didn’t even become a big issue. So after being with each other 24/7 from about July to March. 1 day after talking to her on way to school. Her texting me all day. Calling on way home. As she pulls into her house she says. Listen don’t take it personally if I don’t answer right away or don’t text u back right away. Of course I took it personally. How else can it be taken? Then it all started to go down hill. I was being ridiculous for caring about it. I was making it more then what it was. But she would never just let me go. After a few days of fighting. She’d come back and act like never ever happened. Me being a pathetic idiot would always just let it go cause all I want is her and when she was the her I knew she was great. When she turned into what she is now its insane and I basically mean nothing. But still won’t leave. From march till now we’d hang out go to AC a few times. Was begging me to let her meet me in LA when I went to try and clear my head and get away. It makes NO Sense and whenever I would try and talk about it she would get mad are make it like I’m just ridiculous and making it up in my head that its as bad as it was. It got real bad the end of June which is my birthday. I didn’t talk to her in about 3 weeks and was so miserable over it. I . She called me exactly at midnight the night before my bday and left a message then called me during the day. I spent my bday with another girl. have hung out with few diff. Women and sleep with them cause at that point she didn’t seem to give a shit at all. But when I would hang with other women I’d just get more upset it wasn’t her there. I thanked her for the call and quickly hung up. Later that day she texts me she wants to see me and has a bday gift for me. I wanted nothing but to see her but still told her no which killed me to do. Woke up next day with $500 in lotto scratch offs on my car and a card telling me I was the greatest guy she ever met. She’ll always love me for everything I did for her. And I did A LOT for her. Since she got out of college everything she has from her $85,000 a year job to her new car she has cause of me and I didn’t thro it in her face at all. She would say I would if when we were fighting her job would even get mentioned. And she still wants to take me to dinner and talk. Next morning a took lotto tix put them in an envelope and brought them to her house thinking she would be at school working. She stayed home that day and ran outside. I just fucking melted when I seen here. We started talking and hanging out trying to be friends but I just couldn’t. She would act like I should care when she wanted and not when she didn’t want me too but would never see that’s what was happening. Or admit too it. We blow up again and really haven’t talked much. Just little stupid stuff quickly here there when she would call. I went till this past wed. Without seeing her. I woke up wed. After feeling like I had a nervous breakdown late Tuesday night. Felt like I was tripping on LSD and haven’t done anything like that in over 15 years. Thought I was literally losing my mind. And told myself I was being pathetic and stupid at this point. I was in love with who she was. Not who she is and went to tell her that we shouldn’t talk all time and I needed her to let me be. It was what she wanted cause she didn’t want what we had anymore and I couldn’t take all the negativity it has turned into. We then hung out for few hrs and she was great. So I tried convincing myself I’d be able to handle it. She went down the shore but we continued talking all week and we seemed actually better then we been in awhile. Last night she called after the clubs and going out round 1. Actually left her friends and went home alone cause she wanted to just talk to me. We talked till 9 this morning when she brought up my family must hate her cause how miserable I am. They don’t. Somehow she turned that into I made our relationship into more then it was and it was really nothing then spent till about half hour ago continue to text me cause I stopped answering phone and basically just completely made how I feel about her meaningless and instantly made me being crazy about her for last 2 years a joke. And then kept going marrying to make me feel worse and worse. I can’t believe she did this like this. No matter how bad it would get I still always wanted the best for her and never wanted anything bad to happen to her and now she going out of her way to destroy me. And literally nothing happened for her to act this way. I wish I did die in the car accident

  16. Mpho July 29, 2013 at 2:28 pm #

    Hi All,

    Today is the most awful day ever, even though I asked my ex to not contact me anymore when I started my 60 days no contact, she keeps emailing me…this morning I received a long email where she was telling me she dreamt about me and misses me terribly, telling me how much she loves me and how much I mean to her, she even used our favorite restaurant when we were together as a weapon – telling me that she would like it if we met there sometime to catch up, telling me how she secretly stole two of my t-shirts when we broke up and sleep in them and wants to keep them as sentimental value.

    I have been doing fine, feeling better everyday and getting stronger but after reading that email my mind has started playing tricks on me, I know its not going to benefit me seeing or talking to her again, but all those words made me wish we were together like before and be happy again, that email has an effect on me now. I made it a rule to not open her texts or emails and just delete them but this time around I do not know what got over me. Even after I told her not to contact me she still does, how do I sort this out and put a stop to her messign with my head?

    Please help.

    EMILIO – No one is worth the thoughts of wishing death on yourself…no one! We will get through this all of us.

    • Sue July 29, 2013 at 2:57 pm #

      Dear Mpho

      The temptation of wanting things the way they used to be is overwhelming for us all. I have learned that my sobriety is more important than anything. And yes i say sobriety because my ex was a drug that I was definitely addicted to. I am on day 9 of NC and feel pretty good, partly because of your support.

      Just remember the hurt and pain they caused when feeling weak. I am not sure if I could survive another bout of this devastation. Your ex probably means everything she expressed but this is not about her needs at this point.

      We must all pause when our ex’s rear their ugly heads and remember they turned their backs on us! Hang in there and be strong. Get excited about your new journey. It’s hard for us all but I am not willing to give up my hard work and dedication to healing my heart for the passing whim of an ex that abandoned me.

      • Mpho July 29, 2013 at 3:10 pm #

        Hi Sue,

        Thanks for those words, I decided to put settings to my emails – from now on when she sends an email it will automatically go to the trash.

        I thought hard about this after reading your post and yes – my sobriety is more important than ever, thanks for reminding me of that.

        Thanks for the support.

  17. Rim July 30, 2013 at 3:01 am #

    Dear Eddie,

    I have a really simple question. My boyfriend and I have broken up from a really long time ago. He is in a ”Rebound Relationship” and he has told me that he still have feelings for me. I understand now that he tries to escape the pain. But my question is, for how long? Is he going to suffer later on? Is there a chance that he might actually like that girl and forget about me?

    Thank you,
    Rim

    • Eddie Corbano July 30, 2013 at 3:46 pm #

      Hi Rim,

      This is not a simple question at all, but you get a simple answer:

      As long as you keep interpreting the actions of your Ex, you will NEVER be emotionally independent.

      • Rim July 30, 2013 at 7:10 pm #

        Alright, thank you. I will make sure to stop stalking his actions.

  18. Emilio July 30, 2013 at 4:16 am #

    After all the BS I wrote about above she still had the balls to text me tonight like nothing was wrong and to come by her house and hang out. I wanted to more then anything in the world and killed me not to. After a few more texts saying to just come by I said I couldn’t. Told her good luck with work. Ill always love and miss who she was. She text back a ? And I sent this which I copied and pasted from another site today.

    “Hi from Apple

    The Apple ID associated with this message has terminated contact with yours and have chosen not to receive messages from you starting from this period. You can still send messages to this ID however they will not be received.

    Other associated contact methods with this Apple ID have also been terminated. Your ID has not been affected and will function as usual.

    All information in this message will be treated as confidential. Only the named contact you are sending messages to can unblock you.”

    I want to throw up but I kno she will believe it and ill never hear from her again. This sucks so much

    • Jamie July 31, 2013 at 10:15 am #

      Emilio,

      Good for you! You did the right thing. By what I have read from you, it sounds like she has some issues. I don’t understand her on again off again attitude but whatever is going on with her is obviously tearing you apart and NO ONE deserves that kind of treatment. You deserve so much better than that. She is not right and your situation with her is nothing but crazy so please stop going back to the craziness, because you will never be able to heal and find a person who is honest, loving, kind and above all SANE!

      You will get through this and I know in the end you will look back and wonder why you held on so long…but that is human nature isn’t it? it’s hard to change what your heart feels, but in time you will be fine. REMEMBER! YOU ARE IN CONTROL NOW!!!!

      With every new day take a deep breath and SMILE!

      Best of luck to you 🙂

  19. Guy August 6, 2013 at 1:51 pm #

    Hey all. I haven’t commented much on this site but I promised I would when it was time. Today marks I have no idea what day. I’m well past 60 and actually had the first contact with the ex. This wasn’t just a break up this ripped me apart. For months. But I’m living proof that nc works. I’ll admit I’m still hurt, and there’s a gray area whether I still want to be with her; regardless the most important thing is I now no longer analyse any of it. So getting an understanding on it is so much easier.
    I’ve migrated to Australia and found my old passion in stand up and entertainment. It’s kind of invalid with what we do with our time while we heal, so long it’s productive to yourself and dwelling is kept to a minimum. It is the time that will do the healing. Bloody ironic but true.
    Anyway if anyone needs tips or advice. Anything flick me an email 🙂 heaps helpt me so I would like to return the favor.

    • Sue August 6, 2013 at 7:12 pm #

      Thanks Guy for sharing your story. I am on day one of NC again! I was at the 14 day mark but because we are married it was necessary to contact him for business. I am learning how to meditate to master the over analyzing of the entire breakup. I must say this constant tape in my head is exhausting. I realize now this breakup needed to happen in order for me to grow. I still love my husband but I want to be strong enough to love him spiritually and from a distance. This website has been a godsend. Thanks for any advice.

    • Renee October 6, 2013 at 3:12 am #

      Hi Guy I am the same, I have not posted on here till now, but it has helped knowing I am not alone. My break up also nearly ruined me, I had never felt pain like it and thank god I have a lot of loving friends and family around me. I am on the 3rd day of NC and its been 10 weeks since we broke up. I am finding it terribly difficult. Any advice would be helpful.
      Good luck everyone, and hang in there 🙂

  20. Lauren August 7, 2013 at 5:59 pm #

    I’d been feeling lousy for about 24 hours and just couldn’t change my attitude. Was out with some friends last night, and one of them mentioned me and my ex. She told me that from the outside, our relationship looked perfect, and that she and her boyfriend had actually envied us and our relationship. Took everything in me to not start crying. Broke 12 days of NC and texted my ex. Told him I hoped he was doing well. No response, and I didn’t expect one. I want to beat myself up about breaking NC, but what good will that do? Today starts Day 1, and I’m trying to shift my perspective back to me, and stop focusing so much on him/us. There is no “us” anymore, and focusing on him doesn’t serve me at all. Heavy heart today. 🙁

    • Sue August 7, 2013 at 6:26 pm #

      Hi Lauren
      I’ve been to this movie more times than I would like to admit. I am back on day 2 of NC after almost doing 17. Don’t beat yourself up about it. It has been part of my healing because each time I go there, he hurts me more than I could imagine. It becomes so transparent when I step back and just be still. My ex used me and cheated on me and I remained in denial much too long. It’s been 2 months since he walked out and I am getting better. NC is hard and it’s understandable that we break it all the time. Just get back up and start again. The good news is that God gives us a new day each day to get it right. Grieving is a process and yes we are all grieving in one way or another. Hang in there because it will get better.

    • Jamie August 7, 2013 at 8:10 pm #

      My Mother once told me years ago that a relationship ending is much like a funeral. I do remember thinking she was so right. The pain of that loss is so real. The grieving is very similar to grieving a death. One day at a time. Be easy on yourself. Treat yourself with care and know that your strength will again re-emerge and when it does the sun will shine brightly and you WILL smile again….

      When it comes to the NC, what I find helps me, is everyday at the end of the day when there’s no call from that person, instead of allowing your heart to sink, I close my fist and loudly or to myself say a big YES!!! The same way you would for a victory such as a point gained in a big game. Look at that no call as a victory! Somehow doing that is helping to change my mind about the situation and makes me feel stronger. Remember: “what we think about we bring about”

      Stay strong and know you are not alone.

      Much love to you all.

    • Renee October 6, 2013 at 3:16 am #

      Aw Lauren you are only human, do not beat yourself up 🙂 emotional pain is the worst. I find it so cruel that when we contact them they do not reply. Hang in there start again and I honestly feel that we all expect too much of ourselves with this NC rule. Just remember your human with emotions and a heart and if you fall of the see saw get back on it and love yourself as a decent human being 🙂

  21. Lauren August 9, 2013 at 12:26 am #

    Thanks for the encouragement, Sue. Just keep telling myself one day at a time. It’s amazing how similar break ups are to detoxing. I know it’s been said before, but it really is interesting to me how alike they are. (I work in a detox/psych hospital.) Anyone else, when they’re out and socializing,despite having fun, always have a nagging sense that something’s missing? I do, and it’s my ex. Finding it a challenge to stay focused on the present moment and not drift to thoughts of him. And the more you tell yourself to “Stop thinking about them!”, the harder it is to stop. But…one day at a time.

  22. nahed August 13, 2013 at 4:26 pm #

    The worst feeling I have is at the time I wake up in the morning. I have palpitation and I feel in so much pain. That is the time I cry the most. I started to feel scared of sleeping because I fear the feeling when I wake up. Does someone have a way to help.

    • Amitaf August 15, 2013 at 4:33 pm #

      Hi nahed,

      It’s okay to cry. Just let it all out. You’ll feel better. But you should not be afraid, because you will make matters worst by adding negativity in your thoughts. I know how it hurts and I’m still experiencing that throbbing pain, palpitations that never go away even though I’m at day 25 of NC. But I’m still doing okay, you just have to focus yourself on positive thoughts such as you can survive this, this is only temporary, then imagine yourself being happy, independent, and confident in the future and never caring about your stupid ex anymore. Don’t let pain and fear control your life. I know it’s hard to do but it’s not impossible. BE POSITIVE 🙂

  23. nahed August 22, 2013 at 2:15 pm #

    Hi Amitaf,
    Thank you for the reply. I hope you are becoming even better now. I am feeling better as the days pass. I am at day 10 of NC. my life started to return back and I started to focus more at work. Keep up the good work and the positive view and i am sure you will find Mr. Right ! 🙂

  24. Mpho September 9, 2013 at 11:26 am #

    Hi All,

    My NC has been over 3 days ago, going on to 63 days today. For some reason I felt this enormous loneliness and missing my ex even though it has been 5 months, I do not know what sparked this but I have an idea…my colleagues who met my ex at work functions etc still have her as a friend of Facebook and I told them this as a concern for me because I really want to break all connection from her, but they say all they are doing is keeping tabs on her and this is unsettling.

    Just knowing that they know what is going on in her life gives me the urger to want to look at her profile and find out what it is they know that I don’t.

    How do I fix this problem?

  25. Siobhan September 26, 2013 at 4:11 pm #

    Thank you for this post.

    I broke up with my ex in May and even though it is 4.5 months ago I still find it really really really hard to get over the bitterness and hate for her that I have.

    I admit I wasn’t 100% innocent in the relationship something I regret however I would never have hurt her the way she did me. The story is way to long to write but we were engaged together for 2 years she was my best friend and one day she called me on the phone and told me she didn’t want to be with me she didn’t love me to move on and she would marry an arab man to stay in the UK (she is from Dubai). I had never been in love before and was in so much shock and distraught I immediately turned to my friends and family for comfort who met her and knew her well. She now blames me for this and say’s I turned everyone against her when I honestly was just heartbroken looking for support.

    She asked for her engagement ring back the next day to sell for rent money, she proceeded to sleep with many other different women and literally have zero contact with me for 2 months until out of the blue 2 months later she contacts me and tells me that she wants to be “friends”. I found out last week that the holiday to Mexico I spent £1,200 on which i actually ended up signing over to her as she convinced me she wanted to “sell” it she actually went with a girl she befriends online who I believed was just a friend and who when we were together I actually agreed to try and help get her a job in England! A job with a CV & cover letter I CREATED for her!

    On top of that 3 weeks ago I agreed to meet her and she asked me to come to her (even though she doesn’t work and comes from rich arab family) for closure. I agreed. She asked me to go there as she couldn’t travel to London while her father is there (strict arab culture). When I get to her city (I take a day of my annual leave holiday and pay the ticket) I find out she is actually around for another 3 weeks in England and her dad leaves in 2 days so she could of come seen me. So I just feel even more mugged off.

    I want to be a bigger person but I have never felt so betrayed by someone ever. I feel the hate inside my gut everyday I wake up and I don’t want it. Finding out about the holiday last week, sending a girl on a holiday I paid for and planned to propose there while she KNEW I was sick in hospital just makes me want to punch her face in so hard it explodes as bad as that sounds. This is a girl when I met her who didn’t have any confidence, I introduced her to modelling, to my friends and family who excepted her everything. Is there any advice how I deal with the hate in my heart because I want it to go so badly I don’t know how. I just feel this scar of betrayal I carry everywhere with me like a weight holding me down.

    Thanks for any advice.

    xx

  26. Luna October 26, 2013 at 2:20 am #

    I am about to implement no contact. It is going to be extremely difficult. My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with me a month ago, saying he had love for me, but was no longer in love with me. Behind my back, he moved out all of his things and called me to tell me it was over. He had lived with me and helped raise my daughter since she was three years old. We had been having problems. He wasn’t working and I felt like all his time was spent talking online and working on various projects with friends, I was getting physically aggressive and verbally abusive because I was so frustrated by his lack of connection and emotional unavailability, and he was witholding affection and sex from me. It was desperate times. After we broke up, he came back and spent some nights with me, we made love and I told him that I truly loved him and wanted to make things work. He told me he still had romantic feelings for me and promised me that we would try to work it out, he just needed space. He got a gig in Australia for a month, and I dropped him off at the airport. I kept asking him if he was returning and he kept promising that he was. I was so insecure at this time. Not two weeks into his trip there, I felt something was off. I questioned him if he was falling for the girl he was staying with and working for. After pulling teeth, he finally admitted that he was in love and that they had already had sex, and that he was finding a deeply spiritual relationship with her, something he never had with me (even though I had wanted that, but he never was interested). He told me they were soulmates and that he had found the one. I was heartbroken. Not only did he lie to me, he also lied to my daughter who is just 5 years old. He said he lied out of survival fear. I have been in contact with him almost non stop to try to understand what has happened, to pour out my feelings for him in hopes that my love alone will bring him back to me. All I get in return is patient understanding and he tells me he has moved on emotionally. I became suicidal. I had even thought I was pregnant because my stress was so severe it cut off my period. After a month of this, and nearly losing everything, I finally woke up. Now I am cutting him out, just as he cut me out. It is scary and painful, but I don’t see a way for me to grow and to become whole again trying to hold onto a relationship that has long been broken.

  27. husnain January 1, 2014 at 4:09 pm #

    i am on 6th day of nc rule .it will help me but i still not able to get the reasons for my breakup.we were in relation for 3 years and for initial 2.5 year i have been harsh to her i wanted her to live according to me and she did it.i often use abusive language for her family bcoz i really dont like her family .her parents are against our marriage as said by her .anyhow in last 6 months i have to move to another city and ater 2 months of departure she began to change,she become harsh ,go with friends without my notificaton and even talk to other guys which i knw later .i started to become recessive as she progress to become dominant.i go to meet her and she said i didnt want to meet u .i threatened her to tell her father and she came with boy in her car and said father wants to meet u . i call her father and he said i knew nothing abt u and use abusive language .after that she didnt attend my call and after abt 20 days i again vidsited her office and ask her to reunite ,beg infrnt of her and even ask atleast tell me the reason.she said it is very personal and i cant share with u.after about month i started nc as she didnt respond to me and i am regaining control but i still nt get the reaoson for our break up.is she engaged with other .is she cheated me.i can easily take revenge frm her and even destroy her life as i ve some valid proofs but i forgive her,so eddie what abt reason for our break up

  28. RJ August 4, 2014 at 8:22 pm #

    My ex boyfriend and I had been dating for 2.5 yrs. I helped him out when I first met him, he was a pill addict who was out of control and was cheating on his present gf. He is gay and I helped him come out. I also helped him get off pills (so I thought). About a year and a half into the relationship, I found out he cheated on me and was back on pills. He was actually on pills while cheating on me. I was super scared and had to get tested for STD’s. He went to a 30k/mo rehab for 1 month. When he came out, we had rules laid out to help with the addiction and cheating. That was last year in Sept. We ended up breaking up a few months later, after the rules were too much and he thought he could handle drinking and smoking weed again. Since then it’s been on and off. I found out he was on methadone (basically heroine in a pill) earlier this year and was chatting with other people super inappropriately about sex. This was even when we said we would work through everything and had even started couples counseling. I currently have a business with him that we have had for the last year and a half yet I’m not getting any money out of it. He handles all the transactions because I have an actual job and he doesn’t. He is getting all the money and I’m not getting anything even though I’m the business partner. I have decided to block him from my phone until I can figure out what to do with the biz. I tried doing this two weeks ago and he ended up writing me a letter and also texting me from his coworkers phone. I saw him last week to give him some clothes he had at my place and I feel like the pain started all over again. He told me he was willing to work through therapy and that he would call me that night. He never called and the next day I blocked him. I find myself thinking about him a lot and it’s tough to stop. I really just want to find peace and be able to move on. He’s also in his mid 20’s and very good looking. I know that he’s talking to other people now and I don’t want to expose myself to that. It would kill me.

  29. Lu August 17, 2014 at 12:53 pm #

    Hello every one,I feel like I’m in a therapy session pfeww what a relief to know there are people out there who are going through this and I’m not alone! Myboyfriend and I have been together for almost 8months and use to go to his place every weekend,we were very close,he introduced me to his family everything was smooth,we were each other’s best friends. Last weekend I didn’t go to his place,and didn’t ask him because I thought he needed space. I tried to call him diring the week and he didn’t pick up,got so worried thought something happened to him cause he usually calls me almost everyday checked his facebook he had updated a status 2hours ago, 3days ago he came to me telling me he has moved in with his ex from another city,and he realises he loves me more,he doesn’t have guts to tell her to move out cause he is a sweet person so he says! Damn I was crushed. Its clear they were communicating and he never told her he has a girlfriend, when he told me this he was crying told me he doesn’t want to break up with me,tells me he didn’t think she ill really move in with him. To make the story short I told him I’m not gonna wait around whilst he is deciding who he wants to be with,told me he broke my trust I wanted to cry,but I withheld my tears whilst talking to him! We exchanged text he told me he loved me and that he never lied about! Now I’m on day3 of no contact I’ve got this ish,I cry some times,but I own this breakup it won’t own me.

  30. jo jo Bean September 4, 2014 at 10:29 pm #

    Hello my ex broke up with me after 8 years . We just got a house together and after 2 weeks he said I should move out . I am 14 years older and he just out of nowhere said he wants to explore life and he doesn’t know what makes him happy anymore. I left and have not contacted him. It has been 2 weeks and I have heard nothing. We had a great relationship I am blindsided by all of this and do not understand . He wanted children that I could not give to him because of my age. I am hurt so badly and don’t know what to do. I feel I should just move on and let him have a chance at life and be able to have a family. I m hurt emotionally so bad. I can not describe the pain . The relationship was always good but I knee this dsy would come . Help!

    • David September 9, 2014 at 9:20 am #

      I can relate. After an 8 year relationship my gf left abruptly. I had to do some digging and found she had been starting an online relationship with a much wealthier man. It’s completely brutal and I struggle just to get through each day. No contact in 2 weeks but I don’t feel any better. My only point in stating this is that you are not alone. This type of suffering seems to be an unfortunate circumstance of being human. Trust me, I know the depths of how you must feel.

      • jo jo bean September 9, 2014 at 1:43 pm #

        David thanks for responding. I just hope each day gets a little easier . Right now it’s hard and the pain is unbearable . I think we can both make it through this. Has it just been 2 weeks for you? Have you had any contact? It’s been 3 weeks for me and no contact . I guess I need to work on myself and try to move on. What are your plans ?

      • jo jo bean September 10, 2014 at 1:57 am #

        What should we do from here ? Will you talk if she calls or will you just move on?

  31. jenny September 22, 2014 at 1:19 am #

    Hi Eddie (and everyone else),

    I really need your advice. Here goes…

    My ex and I were together for 2 years. We knew each other in high school, lost touch for many years while we each went to college (he’s 3 years older than me), then got back in touch while I lived in a different state and he came to visit family he has living in that state. We got back in touch and our relationship took off from there. He started buying plane tickets at least every other weekend for me to come see him or him to come see me, until I decided to move home 3 months later.

    Our relationship was great. In the beginning we would refer to it as a flame- we were just so connected. We never ever fought during our entire relationship which is pretty unheard of. But for the last few months, our relationship started to slow down. We stopped going out and lost pretty much all our friends. We fell into this routine of just staying in and doing nothing, so the flame started to die out. I started feeling this way and would think to say something to him, but most times I would convince myself it is all in my head and he’s a great guy. Every so often (usually with the help of a few drinks) I would make a comment about it, and he would act confused and say our relationship was stable so there was no problem, and I would just agree and we’d move on. It felt like it just got thrown under the bus, not solved, but I didn’t want to lose a great guy so I let it go.

    Now my ex is an extremely hard worker. He owns his own business and that is his entire life. I’ve always respected his work ethic, but it seems that is all he cares about. He works mon-sat and whenever I want to do anything social, he feels it’s unproductive and wants nothing to do with it. He has always had a goal of reaching $1 million before he’s 30, and he’s about a year and a half away and not at his goal. Maybe that’s where the obsession with work comes from- I don’t know.

    Anyways, about 2 months ago now, I brought up that I wished we liked each other more. In the 2 years we were together, he’s never once said he loved me. I always found that odd. I know he feels that way, but those words terrify him because he’s never loved anyone before. I tried to convince myself that I didn’t need to hear it because I felt it, but after 2 years I just needed more. It was a Thursday I brought it up through text after a happy hour with co-workers (again, with a little liquid courage). He was like “what are you talking about? i do like you”. After realizing what I’d done, I didn’t respond. He called a few times and I didn’t answer. He eventually showed up at my house and we talked a little and at first he said our relationship is fine, but eventually his true feelings started to come out. He said he’s never been in a serious relationship like this and at times he feels stiffled. He wants to travel the world and do whatever he wants whenever he wants, and feels with a gf he can’t do that because it wouldn’t be right to just buy a plane ticket for tomorrow and go. I told him if that’s what he wants to do, go do it. He lives with 2 other single guys, so I think that influences him a bit when he sees the things they can do. After a long talk, he said he didn’t want to lose me and we would work on things and continue this conversation later (I had work the next morning).

    The next day, Friday, after work, our typical routine started again. We stayed in all weekend and once again the conversation wasn’t brought back up. By Sunday, I was frustrated again. I felt like he just threw my feelings under the bus again because talks of emotion freak him out. So Sunday night I brought it up again. I told him how I’d been feeling and that I need more from the relationship. I don’t want to be with a guy that feels stiffled, as he should want to spend time with me. I told him I wanted to do fun things and I wanted someone that wanted to do fun things with me. I said maybe we should spend some time apart to see if this relationship is right. Now to be honest, I was hoping he would fight back on this and try to make the relationship work. To my surprise, he didn’t. He just sat there and agreed. He said that my feelings are valid and I deserve more. He just can’t give me more at this juncture so maybe we do need to spend time apart. I couldn’t believe my ears. That’s it? After 2 years he’s not going to try even a little? I was so hurt and started crying. I packed up everything I have at his house and left. I figured I would hear from him later that night but didn’t. He texted me the next day saying he doesn’t like seeing me upset. During that week we texted a few times. That Friday night he sent me a long text how he’s not happy without me and realizes its him that needs to change. I thought we were making progress. That Sunday we met up and discussed that we are just taking a step back to “recalibrate” as he called it and that we were not single. He said to give him like a week or 2 by himself. Him realizing he needs to change is a good thing. I thought we were on the right track.

    Now fast forward a month and a half, nothing has changed. He sends me texts every few days about how much he misses me and how he can’t stop thinking about me, but when I ask what he’s going to do about it he gets all defensive and says he doesn’t know he needs to focus on himself. After a month and a half of that, I became frustrated. Working on himself is a good thing, but what about working on the relationship? Having him say he still wanted to be my boyfriend but then not act like my boyfriend was something I wasn’t ok with. I decided it was time to get stern and tell him if we didn’t start working on our relationship now than I needed to move on and be single. I went over to his house and we had a long talk about it. He said the past month and a half has been eye opening for him. His business has been doing much better because he didn’t have outside distractions. He’s been focusing more on himself- gym, yoga, eating better- and is feeling good. He said he thinks about me everyday and that’s hard, but he feels he can’t make anyone else happy until he’s happy, so he just needs to focus on himself and if that means I am going to be single, than maybe that’s best for right now. For the first time he said he loves me and falls more and more in love with me everyday and that “terrifies” him. He just needs to focus on himself and work right now and if we’re meant to be, we will come together again after he gets himself right. I couldn’t believe my ears! He’s going to tell me he loves me for the first time ever while we’re breaking up? Coward.

    This was an extremely difficult day for me. Break ups are hard as it is, but on top of everything we had a cruise scheduled for 2 weeks from then that I had won at work, so it was a bunch of work people going. It was already booked with both our names. What was I to do? Do I suck it up and put on a brave face and go on the cruise with my ex of 2 weeks, or do I cancel? I decided I couldn’t cancel on my work and make them lose money for my personal problems. My ex and I talked about it and he said if I wanted him to go that he would because he cares about me and will be there for whatever I need.

    Fast forward 2 weeks, we went on the cruise. It started a bit awkward, as we barely talked in those 2 weeks, but after the first few hours it was as if nothing had changed. We were back to being the great couple we used to be. We talked about things we wanted to do together in the future- different activities. He kept holding my hand, kissing my cheek, etc- saying he just couldn’t keep his hands off me and he’s missed me so much. I thought maybe this cruise happened for a reason and was bringing us back closer.

    We had a great time but on the last night, we got in a fight. All the problems that we had been hiding away in order to have a good time showed their ugly faces. It was an emotion filled fight, and I said some things I probably shouldn’t have. We fell asleep angry at one another and woke up the same way. We got off the boat and the car ride home was silent for the most part. As we neared his house to drop him off before I had to go back to work, we started talking. He was like “look I don’t want to fight with you. I never want to fight with you. I don’t want this to end on bad terms. I care about you a lot and can’t picture you not in my life. I want us to still talk. I can’t imagine fully losing you. I know at my age society tells me I’m supposed to settle down with “the one” and you’re the closest thing I’ve ever had to that. I know you think exs can’t be friends, but most people aren’t as connected as we are. If you don’t want to speak to me (I told him during our fight the night before that I wanted nothing to do with him anymore), I will respect that. But I hope we can. I can’t imagine us living so close and not being able to talk and go to dinner sometimes and just stay in each others lives.” I apologized and admitted that maybe I was a little harsh last night. At some point we could probably be friends, but I just needed some time apart to put him back in the friend zone. I guess I knew about the NC rule before finding this site lol 🙂

    That was last Monday, so about 2 weeks ago. After dropping him off, it all hit me. The relationship is over. The month and a half “taking a step back” ultimately ended us. I blamed myself because I’m the one that opened the door and brought to light our problems, but it really hurt that he was ok with just letting me go and somehow the ball ended up in his court and he got the control. What happened? Did I break up with him? Did he break up with me? Was it mutual? I just felt lost.

    To take my mind off him, I downloaded Tinder. Probably not the best move, but I had seen my friends doing it and thought it could entertain me for the time being. Not at all taking it seriously. I dropped him off at his house around 10:30am and at about 4:30pm I received a text from him. His friend saw me on tinder and screenshotted it to him. Well I got caught quickly…he didn’t really say anything besides lol. Then 4 hours later I received another text from him that just said “weirdddd”. Now I don’t know what was weird because I decided not to respond- again using the NC rule before even knowing about it! I don’t know if he was still thinking of me on tinder and that was weird or if it hit him we are really done now because the cruise is over so we have nothing to look forward to. Who knows.

    After I didn’t respond to him, I didn’t hear from him. I was actually doing ok. I felt strong and convinced myself that everything happens for a reason. Our final fight gave me the closure I needed to force myself it was time to move on. Things were going much better than I had imagined they would…or so I thought. After the first week, I started to feel weird. Kinda numb. Emotionless. Just weird.

    Then, something strange happened. Wednesday (9 days later) I received 2 texts from him. The first just “hi” and the second “are we allowed to talk yet..”. Now what was I supposed to do? Do I respond with something along the lines of “what do you want to talk about?” or “what is there to talk about?” My friend suggested something along the lines of “unlike you I am dealing with our breakup and it takes time”. So what did I end up doing? Nothing. I didn’t respond. I just didn’t know what to say and felt like he expects me to at least say something because I have never ignored him before. He doesn’t know what life is like without me and I think he’s taken that for granted.

    Well now it’s Sunday. I never wrote back and I haven’t heard anything from him since. Did I do the right thing? Am I on the right track? Reading about your NC rule makes me think I am. But did the month and a half “taking a step back” ruin it? Should I have gone NC then? Do we have a chance of getting back together? I know I deserve more, but I feel he’s capable of giving me it if he tries. I admire his desire to be successful in business, but what is all the money in the world if you have no one to share it with? I feel there is a reason we were brought back together after so many years.

    So this is where I need your advice… Is there hope for us? Are we really done? How long do I maintain this NC? Am I wasting my time with someone that isn’t going to give me what I want for a very long time, if ever? Is he really over me?

    Sorry this got way longer than intended- I just wanted you to know the whole story before giving me your thoughts. I really appreciate your help, and anyone else’s! 🙂

    • Ron September 3, 2015 at 6:01 pm #

      Hi Jenny,

      What happened to you two in the end? Are you guys still together? Have you even talked/met him again?

      Ron

  32. Alison October 15, 2014 at 4:18 pm #

    I walked away from him. After numerous affairs and me forgiving him over and over, I finally walked away! Now, the hard part has been not letting him suck me back in again. I know that I’m doing the right thing for me. I’ve initiated the no contact rule. He kept texting, so I put a blocker on my phone and blacklisted him. Now he’s emailing me. It is hard because I spent over 4 years with him. There’s always that breaking point where you say enough is enough. The no contact rule has really started helping me out. I’ve focused more on my career, gotten back into school, and gone out to meet new people. There is hope. It’s hard to see it in the beginning of the break up, but it’s there.

  33. Karin October 31, 2014 at 10:58 pm #

    Broke up with my boyfriend of just over a year. We were having problems before and fought a lot over small things, insignificant things. He used to put more effort in the relationship but we got comfortable and things got stagnant. Eventually I became very uncomfortable inside my heart about our relationship. I told him maybe we needed a break and I didn’t know if I wanted to be with him. I returned the photo he gave me when we first started dating and he accepted every time I told him I was unhappy and maybe we shouldn’t be together.

    He was the one who proposed that we cut contact for 2 weeks so that he could think. I personally know I need to try and accept that this is the end. I miss how our relationship used to be. I miss the man that I used to know and doesn’t exist anymore in this time… one year isn’t a long time but we saw each other every day. He always tried to change me… but I grew to love him a lot. Everything is so uncertain but I am fairly sure it’s the end for us. I love you Sunny. I am sorry.

    I will try NC for 60 days but I will also do anything it takes to get my mind away from this.

  34. Campbell November 20, 2014 at 9:50 pm #

    In the last week, I’ve stumbled upon Eddie’s site and it is the BEST thing to help me cope through the break up. We’ve been broken up several months now. He cheated on me, but I didn’t know for two months so he was seeing both her and me. Once I found out it all made sense..his secretive nature. I was devastated at first and wanted to do whatever I could to get him back. He told me he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to hurt me. Duh…who would if you still wanted to hang on to me at the same time.

    As time has gone on, I’ve become stronger but I would still answer his calls and he made me feel almost like I was begging for him. He would say things like you are the LOML and I miss you, blah, blah, blah. I felt like I fell right back into his trap. I’ve reached a stage where I am just disgusted by him for the ultimate betrayal. I know I will never ever go back with him and I know I don’t want to feel like I am desperate for his love.

    I implemented the no contact rule on Monday writing a letter similar to Cheryl’s where I just flat out said, do no contact me anymore. I have to say it is feeling so good. I know it’s not been long, but he has reached out to me twice and I just delete his messages, which he is not used to. I feel so in control and in a position where I can truly start to forget about him whereas before I always left a small window open. Not sure why, but I did.

    Thanks, Eddie and Cheryl!

  35. Michelle Milavsky November 10, 2015 at 11:12 pm #

    Dear Eddie,

    I need some advice. I have been with my ex for 6 years all through high school and college. We were engaged as well for a year. We had problems but he made me really happy. I know a big problem with being faithful. And revenge he would do something than I would do something back than we would forgive eachother and move past it. Well 3 years ago I left him for someone and than ended up getting back with my ex Robert. He than left me for my friend. For about 3 months he was dating this girl but also contacting me. It was the worse time of my life eventually he came back to me we were better than ever got engaged 2 years later. Boom but still we had problems. When we had that break up I decided to get with my friend who was sleeping with Robert her ex. Stupid immature I know. My problem is I was ashamed and when me and Robert got back together I never told him I just did not want to loose him I was scared and forgot about it. Well back to now I ended up befriending that girl her name is scum to me she ended up becoming a very close friend of mine because I believe everyone deserves second chances well now she knows a lot about me and fhats my mistake she used everything against me and told Robert and now he left me again for her. She is a good at manipulating and even her bestfriends said the same thing and she also hooked up with her bestfriends boyfriend. She also told him all these lies about all these guys I slept with which are not true and they all confirmed it. Now he feels betrayed by me and why would he listen to his jealous ex right? But the problem is he still contacts me telling I’m his future and there is hope than when he is around this scum he is different. The last conversation with Robert was him saying he hates me and he is being with her so I let it alone. The next morning he called me telling me he has been thinking about everything and he loves me so much. I haven’t heard from him and he is still with her. Why might he be doing this and how long could this go on? I’m so lost and confused and this is taking over my life. This is not Robert the one I’m in love with. I just with this nightmare would stop.

    Please any response would help.

    Thank you!

    -Michelle

  36. Fahreen November 12, 2015 at 8:50 pm #

    Dear Eddie
    I had a worse break up b4 2 months.it was 1.5 yrs duration and we were madly in love.he is a well settled guy.our family was concerned and we were planning 4 wedding.i used to poke him about a guy and he knew it was a joke.but suddenly he stopped receiving my calls and texts.no fight nothing.i called his mom and sister also but they also didn’t reply.things were getting worst.i called my parents.my father called them but just no reply.he used to work in my uncle’s hospital.his mom contacted my uncle and said tat i m a characterless girl.my uncle got very angry and he suggested them to tlk to my father.my dad requested them 1000 of times but they didn’t pay hid.i went to his hospital to meet him but he didn’t talked 2 me.hearing their excuses ab8 me my uncle got so angry that he fired my x from his hospital.
    i am not that kind of girl and my uncle knows me very welly
    i m a medical student and he used to help me with my studies.its my final xm nxt month.i didn’t contact him for 1 month.
    i am in a very critical situation
    what should i do?
    should i wait for him or move on?
    plz help me

  37. Suzana November 14, 2015 at 1:28 pm #

    Dear Eddie,

    I need help. How can I move on? How can I go on in my life without the only man I’ve ever wanted.
    I met the love of my life online almost three years ago. We started chatting and he fell in love with me , he proposed to me. It was complicated because we live miles away in different countries. He is divorced with two daughters and I knew I have no choice but to move to the States to be with him . I was willing to give up eveything to be him, to leave my job, my family, my friends and my country . It wasn’t an easy decision at all but I loved him so much so I would anything for him. it’s a long story. For two years he used to tell me he loves me. I loved him too . I was supposed to move to him but then out of no where he decided to let me go claiming that the thought of becoming a father again at his age is weighting his mind and since he knew I wanted to become a mother he decided to let me go. I loved so much that I told him I was willing to give up my dream to have kids to be with him but he still left. He broke my heart . I’ve been crying for 11 months missing him . A few months ago he contacted me telling me he misses me. However , I found out recently that he’s dating another woman . It hurt me so much because he used to tell me he loved me every single day and that doesn’t want any other woman . I’m dying without him . I can’t imagine myself with any other man ever . He was my eveything but he doesn’t care about me . I can’t believe how easily he moved on. What does his new girlfriend have that I don’t have . She’s 14 years older than me .
    Ever since we broke up I had hope that we will be together again but it’s too late now. It’s over. I’ve lost my only true love . I have lose my reason to smile . I’ve been so unhappy in the last few months , nothing and no one can make me feel happy 🙁
    And imaging him with another woman is killing me

  38. Patty May 8, 2016 at 3:51 am #

    So last year in 2015 in January I met this guy who was close to 29 years old and I was 27 and he was at some church. Well I went there to see if I can meet people but this guy Brent started talking to me. His ex went to same church that he broke up with. My head was down at the time cause I felt nervous and I wasn’t really sure if anyone would talk to me than I put my head up and he started talking to me getting to know me. He wanted my phone number so I gave it to him. His ex was there but I knew her from high school but she never liked me. So Brent told me he was interested in hanging out with me and I said yes, than after a month or so he started saying he was having feelings for me and dreaming about me and I am like how is that possible so we began to make out a lot and but we shouldn’t. I started to fall in love with him and I met his grandparents that took care of him since his parents weren’t alive. He has problems getting a place of his own due to money problems but he works. But his grandparents acted like they liked me than after that for months last year in 2015 we went to movies, out to eat but he didn’t seem to pay for dates cause his grandparents didn’t want him to spend at least 3 to 6 dollars to help me out on a date and I thought that was very fishy since he wouldn’t have to pay much. His other side of his family like his uncle rich but live so far from me. Last may 2015 we he sneaked me in his grandparents place making out a lot and doing some sexy loving when they were on vacation I started to fall little fast so did he but I am not usually the type to have sex cause he told me he was a high sexual addiction problem I thought he was joking but than I realize that he just wanted sex and not me after a year and he told me he would marry me and get me engagement ring but his grandparents never liked me cause they thought I was not right girl for him but it wasn’t my problem when I never did nothing wrong but they didn’t know about us making out or doing anything like that. I thought it would solve relationship but it didn’t. It bad. It not the first time I had it with a guy but I was not pregnant at all cause I told him I didn’t want to have kids until we get married and until he had his place. He told me his ex used him for sex but I thought that was a joke. He got mad at me when I told him I wish he pay half for dates but I thought he loved me but he has no idea how to handle himself. He smokes a lot and drinks lot of energy drink and it gets to the point where I felt like he was using me the entire year! Why would he do that for? He also gave me some gifts only on holidays like valentines day but only cheap ones but he lied saying he loved me. This April 2016 he broke up with me saying he needed space after an argument over dates and him not being there enough for me. His grandparents got mad and told him not to be with me again and he agreed than he stopped texting me and he stopped calling me. So I went to McDonald where he works to find out what happen on his break and his said he wanted space and that his friends and his family told me he can’t be with me anymore I asked him why but he kind of didn’t tell me why. Then he added his ex on his Facebook again that went to church so not sure if there are together or if just hooking up with her since he did 5 years ago before he met me he was with her until he had problems of his own. I was crying really badly I felt like I hated myself. He made me think I wasn’t any good for him and he started smoking more and his grandparents yelled at me blaming me for talking to him when I did nothing wrong but he used me! Now This ain’t first time I been dumped. I been dumped by many guys before and it nothing new.

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