My actual breakup occurred several months ago, and I immediately initiated the “No Contact” rule, which included “unfriending” “Him” on Facebook, deleting all his texts and his phone number from my phone, and deleting all emails and his email address.
My sanity truly depended on it.
I did, however, receive a text from my former boyfriend on Mother’s Day, wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day.
I chose to not respond immediately. I gave it 24 hours and during that 24 hours I became increasingly agitated, so I decided to text him a message before deleting the text he had sent.
I told him not to ever contact me again. He broke my heart, so he didn’t have the right.
I also told him I was aware that he had dumped me for a lady who has money and that he was clearly not the person I thought he was.
It felt so empowering to be the one to tell him to not contact me and to make him aware I knew why he had ended our relationship. Funny how the truth always comes out.
My point in sharing this is to hopefully help others.
Every time I feel myself slipping back into the black hole of grief over a love lost, I think of the strength it took for me to send the text to tell him to never contact me again.
I was the one in control, and, by not having contact with him, I remain in control.
With each day, I am feeling myself getting stronger and stronger, and I truly know this could not be happening if I was having any contact whatsoever with my former love interest.
Admittedly it is tempting to go on Facebook to search by his name to see if there are any pictures posted on his page with his new girlfriend, but I fight the urge and I am succeeding.
It takes a lot of strength and courage, but I know I can do it and again with every temptation that I do not give into, I am winning.
I am grateful for discovering you online and believe it was not by accident that I did. It’s like therapy.
When the urge strikes to give into temptation, I just look you up and there is all the support I need to remain strong.
Thank you for your kind words. I think you are a shining example on how one can re-gain their power by actively taking control of their recovery.
What you did was a hard-core version of the No-Contact letter that I recommend sending out to your Ex just before cutting off all contact, (check out my newsletter for the template).
You messaged him as a response to his contact to you, and I understand that his “Happy Mother’s Day” wishes may have appeared like a hypocritical insult to you.
I don’t know the exact circumstances of your break-up, but if there was some sort of betrayal or deception involved on the part of your Ex, then sending out an “anger-loaded” No-Contact response may feel liberating, (always be civilized though).
It’s like getting things out of your system.
However, I think that it’s always some kind of betrayal when your partner decides that they don’t want to stay in the relationship any longer – at least in our eyes.
It doesn’t even have to be dishonesty coming from the Ex. The mere fact that they walk away is simply a break of trust.
Why did they have to destroy a seemingly perfect relationship?
That’s why I always recommend that, just for the week right after the break-up, (but no more), you try everything to get a sense of what happened. An attempt to get some kind of closure….
“Do what you have to do” I always say in my coaching.
And after this one week, send out the No-Contact Letter and cut off all contact.
There are two main things that happen to people right after the split… if they allow it:
1. A loss of power and control
Things keep happening to you that you seem to have no control over.
2. Destructive passiveness
You feel helpless, you keep reacting to your Ex and their actions… they whistle, you hop.
I think I’ve written this formula many times on this site, but it’s so important that I can’t post it often enough:
Passiveness = Death
Activeness = Progression
Starting No-Contact means taking control of your life. It means being active in contrast to feeling helpless.
Like Cheryl said, “I was the one in control, and, by not having contact with him, I remain in control”.
I’ve sang many hymns of praise since 2005 about the 60 Days No-Contact Rule, simply because it’s the most effective tool to eliminate the stressors in your recovery and fully concentrate on yourself.
I know that you don’t really want to do it.
I know that you can name 50 reasons NOT to do it.
But why not try it out?
You are not manipulating your Ex or playing any tricks. You are simply taking the time you need to heal.
Time to re-build yourself.
Is that selfish?
Well, actually I think that this is open to discussion. Is it selfish to take any measure necessary to heal? Is it selfish to put YOUR needs before the person who actually left you?
Follow Cheryl and take control into your hands today… you might even find you have a knack for it.