How To Get Control Back After A Break-Up

Photo by: ~Jetta Girl~

Dear Eddie,

My actual breakup occurred several months ago, and I immediately initiated the “No Contact” rule, which included “unfriending” “Him” on Facebook, deleting all his texts and his phone number from my phone, and deleting all emails and his email address.

My sanity truly depended on it.

I did, however, receive a text from my former boyfriend on Mother’s Day, wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day.

I chose not to respond immediately. I gave it 24 hours, and during that 24 hours I became increasingly agitated, so I decided to text him a message before deleting the text he had sent.

I told him not ever to contact me again. He broke my heart, so he didn’t have the right.

I also told him I was aware that he had dumped me for a lady who has money and that he was clearly not the person I thought he was.

It felt so empowering to be the one to tell him not to contact me and to make him aware I knew why he had ended our relationship. Funny how the truth always comes out.

My point in sharing this is to help others hopefully.

Every time I feel myself slipping back into the black hole of grief over a love lost, I think of the strength it took for me to send the text to tell him never to contact me again.

I was the one in control, and, by not having contact with him, I remain in control.

With each day, I am feeling myself getting stronger and stronger, and I truly know this could not be happening if I was having any contact whatsoever with my former love interest.

Admittedly it is tempting to go on Facebook to search by his name to see if there are any pictures posted on his page with his new girlfriend, but I fight the urge, and I am succeeding.

It takes a lot of strength and courage, but I know I can do it and again with every temptation that I do not give into, I am winning.

I am grateful for discovering you online and believe it was not by accident that I did. It’s like therapy.

When the urge strikes to give into temptation, I just look you up, and there is all the support I need to remain strong.

Thank you!

Cheryl

Dear Cheryl,

Thank you for your kind words. I think you are a shining example on how one can regain their power by actively taking control of their recovery.

What you did was a hard-core version of the No-Contact letter that I recommend sending out to your Ex just before cutting off all contact, (check out my newsletter for the template).

You messaged him as a response to his contact to you, and I understand that his “Happy Mother’s Day” wishes may have appeared like a hypocritical insult to you.

I don’t know the exact circumstances of your breakup, but if there was some sort of betrayal or deception involved on the part of your Ex, then sending out an “anger-loaded” No-Contact response may feel liberating, (always be civilized, though).

It’s like getting things out of your system.

However, I think that it’s always some betrayal when your partner decides that they don’t want to stay in the relationship any longer – at least in our eyes.

It doesn’t even have to be dishonesty coming from the Ex. The mere fact that they walk away is simply a break of trust.

Why did they have to destroy a seemingly perfect relationship?

That’s why I always recommend that just for the week right after the break-up, (but no more), you try everything to get a sense of what happened.

An attempt to get some closure …

“Do what you have to do” I always say in my coaching.

And after this one week, send out the No-Contact Letter and cut off all contact.

Radically.

Two main things happen to people right after the split … if they allow it:

1. A loss of power and control
Things keep happening to you that you seem to have no control over.

2. Destructive passiveness
You feel helpless; you keep reacting to your Ex and their actions … they whistle, you hop.

I think I’ve written this formula many times on this site, but it’s so important that I can’t post it often enough:

Passiveness = Death
Activeness = Progression

Starting No-Contact means taking control of your life. It means being active in contrast to feeling helpless.

Like Cheryl said, “I was the one in control, and, by not having contact with him, I remain in control.”

I’ve sung many hymns of praise since 2005 about the 60 Days No-Contact Rule, simply because it’s the most efficient tool to eliminate the stressors in your recovery and fully concentrate on yourself.

I know that you don’t really want to do it.

I know that you can name 50 reasons NOT to do it.

But why not try it out?

You are not manipulating your Ex or playing any tricks. You are simply taking the time you need to heal.

Time to re-build yourself.

Is that selfish?

Well, I think that this is open to discussion. Is it selfish to take any measure necessary to heal? Is it selfish to put YOUR needs before the person who left you?

Follow Cheryl and take control into your hands today … you might even find you have a knack for it.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

  • My ex and I live together with children (which are not joint kids). We broke up about a week and a half ago and decided to live together for good reasons. I started no contact immediately after the break-up after reading about it online (within an hour of the break-up). While I had issues I kept them inside. I stopped obsessing over her social media by day 2. I started working out almost immediately and have continued since. No contact is harder when you live together. I have not initiated any conversation and kept my distance the best I can. She will start telling me what’s going on with her and occasionally hug me (once every few days). I have disengaged and give short, respectful answers. Last night, I broke the no contact rule and simply asked how she was doing. She gave me a long winded answer and I replied a very short consiliatory answer. She immediately got angry and we had a large fight. Now things seem to be worse. This morning she still said goodbye and that she hopes I have a good day. How should I approach it from here? How can I start the no contact rule over? I don’t necessarily want her back, I just want to be ok.

  • So last year in 2015 in January I met this guy who was close to 29 years old and I was 27 and he was at some church. Well I went there to see if I can meet people but this guy Brent started talking to me. His ex went to same church that he broke up with. My head was down at the time cause I felt nervous and I wasn’t really sure if anyone would talk to me than I put my head up and he started talking to me getting to know me. He wanted my phone number so I gave it to him. His ex was there but I knew her from high school but she never liked me. So Brent told me he was interested in hanging out with me and I said yes, than after a month or so he started saying he was having feelings for me and dreaming about me and I am like how is that possible so we began to make out a lot and but we shouldn’t. I started to fall in love with him and I met his grandparents that took care of him since his parents weren’t alive. He has problems getting a place of his own due to money problems but he works. But his grandparents acted like they liked me than after that for months last year in 2015 we went to movies, out to eat but he didn’t seem to pay for dates cause his grandparents didn’t want him to spend at least 3 to 6 dollars to help me out on a date and I thought that was very fishy since he wouldn’t have to pay much. His other side of his family like his uncle rich but live so far from me. Last may 2015 we he sneaked me in his grandparents place making out a lot and doing some sexy loving when they were on vacation I started to fall little fast so did he but I am not usually the type to have sex cause he told me he was a high sexual addiction problem I thought he was joking but than I realize that he just wanted sex and not me after a year and he told me he would marry me and get me engagement ring but his grandparents never liked me cause they thought I was not right girl for him but it wasn’t my problem when I never did nothing wrong but they didn’t know about us making out or doing anything like that. I thought it would solve relationship but it didn’t. It bad. It not the first time I had it with a guy but I was not pregnant at all cause I told him I didn’t want to have kids until we get married and until he had his place. He told me his ex used him for sex but I thought that was a joke. He got mad at me when I told him I wish he pay half for dates but I thought he loved me but he has no idea how to handle himself. He smokes a lot and drinks lot of energy drink and it gets to the point where I felt like he was using me the entire year! Why would he do that for? He also gave me some gifts only on holidays like valentines day but only cheap ones but he lied saying he loved me. This April 2016 he broke up with me saying he needed space after an argument over dates and him not being there enough for me. His grandparents got mad and told him not to be with me again and he agreed than he stopped texting me and he stopped calling me. So I went to McDonald where he works to find out what happen on his break and his said he wanted space and that his friends and his family told me he can’t be with me anymore I asked him why but he kind of didn’t tell me why. Then he added his ex on his Facebook again that went to church so not sure if there are together or if just hooking up with her since he did 5 years ago before he met me he was with her until he had problems of his own. I was crying really badly I felt like I hated myself. He made me think I wasn’t any good for him and he started smoking more and his grandparents yelled at me blaming me for talking to him when I did nothing wrong but he used me! Now This ain’t first time I been dumped. I been dumped by many guys before and it nothing new.

  • Dear Eddie,

    I need help. How can I move on? How can I go on in my life without the only man I’ve ever wanted.
    I met the love of my life online almost three years ago. We started chatting and he fell in love with me , he proposed to me. It was complicated because we live miles away in different countries. He is divorced with two daughters and I knew I have no choice but to move to the States to be with him . I was willing to give up eveything to be him, to leave my job, my family, my friends and my country . It wasn’t an easy decision at all but I loved him so much so I would anything for him. it’s a long story. For two years he used to tell me he loves me. I loved him too . I was supposed to move to him but then out of no where he decided to let me go claiming that the thought of becoming a father again at his age is weighting his mind and since he knew I wanted to become a mother he decided to let me go. I loved so much that I told him I was willing to give up my dream to have kids to be with him but he still left. He broke my heart . I’ve been crying for 11 months missing him . A few months ago he contacted me telling me he misses me. However , I found out recently that he’s dating another woman . It hurt me so much because he used to tell me he loved me every single day and that doesn’t want any other woman . I’m dying without him . I can’t imagine myself with any other man ever . He was my eveything but he doesn’t care about me . I can’t believe how easily he moved on. What does his new girlfriend have that I don’t have . She’s 14 years older than me .
    Ever since we broke up I had hope that we will be together again but it’s too late now. It’s over. I’ve lost my only true love . I have lose my reason to smile . I’ve been so unhappy in the last few months , nothing and no one can make me feel happy πŸ™
    And imaging him with another woman is killing me

  • Dear Eddie
    I had a worse break up b4 2 months.it was 1.5 yrs duration and we were madly in love.he is a well settled guy.our family was concerned and we were planning 4 wedding.i used to poke him about a guy and he knew it was a joke.but suddenly he stopped receiving my calls and texts.no fight nothing.i called his mom and sister also but they also didn’t reply.things were getting worst.i called my parents.my father called them but just no reply.he used to work in my uncle’s hospital.his mom contacted my uncle and said tat i m a characterless girl.my uncle got very angry and he suggested them to tlk to my father.my dad requested them 1000 of times but they didn’t pay hid.i went to his hospital to meet him but he didn’t talked 2 me.hearing their excuses ab8 me my uncle got so angry that he fired my x from his hospital.
    i am not that kind of girl and my uncle knows me very welly
    i m a medical student and he used to help me with my studies.its my final xm nxt month.i didn’t contact him for 1 month.
    i am in a very critical situation
    what should i do?
    should i wait for him or move on?
    plz help me

  • Michelle Milavsky says:

    Dear Eddie,

    I need some advice. I have been with my ex for 6 years all through high school and college. We were engaged as well for a year. We had problems but he made me really happy. I know a big problem with being faithful. And revenge he would do something than I would do something back than we would forgive eachother and move past it. Well 3 years ago I left him for someone and than ended up getting back with my ex Robert. He than left me for my friend. For about 3 months he was dating this girl but also contacting me. It was the worse time of my life eventually he came back to me we were better than ever got engaged 2 years later. Boom but still we had problems. When we had that break up I decided to get with my friend who was sleeping with Robert her ex. Stupid immature I know. My problem is I was ashamed and when me and Robert got back together I never told him I just did not want to loose him I was scared and forgot about it. Well back to now I ended up befriending that girl her name is scum to me she ended up becoming a very close friend of mine because I believe everyone deserves second chances well now she knows a lot about me and fhats my mistake she used everything against me and told Robert and now he left me again for her. She is a good at manipulating and even her bestfriends said the same thing and she also hooked up with her bestfriends boyfriend. She also told him all these lies about all these guys I slept with which are not true and they all confirmed it. Now he feels betrayed by me and why would he listen to his jealous ex right? But the problem is he still contacts me telling I’m his future and there is hope than when he is around this scum he is different. The last conversation with Robert was him saying he hates me and he is being with her so I let it alone. The next morning he called me telling me he has been thinking about everything and he loves me so much. I haven’t heard from him and he is still with her. Why might he be doing this and how long could this go on? I’m so lost and confused and this is taking over my life. This is not Robert the one I’m in love with. I just with this nightmare would stop.

    Please any response would help.

    Thank you!

    -Michelle

  • In the last week, I’ve stumbled upon Eddie’s site and it is the BEST thing to help me cope through the break up. We’ve been broken up several months now. He cheated on me, but I didn’t know for two months so he was seeing both her and me. Once I found out it all made sense..his secretive nature. I was devastated at first and wanted to do whatever I could to get him back. He told me he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to hurt me. Duh…who would if you still wanted to hang on to me at the same time.

    As time has gone on, I’ve become stronger but I would still answer his calls and he made me feel almost like I was begging for him. He would say things like you are the LOML and I miss you, blah, blah, blah. I felt like I fell right back into his trap. I’ve reached a stage where I am just disgusted by him for the ultimate betrayal. I know I will never ever go back with him and I know I don’t want to feel like I am desperate for his love.

    I implemented the no contact rule on Monday writing a letter similar to Cheryl’s where I just flat out said, do no contact me anymore. I have to say it is feeling so good. I know it’s not been long, but he has reached out to me twice and I just delete his messages, which he is not used to. I feel so in control and in a position where I can truly start to forget about him whereas before I always left a small window open. Not sure why, but I did.

    Thanks, Eddie and Cheryl!

  • Broke up with my boyfriend of just over a year. We were having problems before and fought a lot over small things, insignificant things. He used to put more effort in the relationship but we got comfortable and things got stagnant. Eventually I became very uncomfortable inside my heart about our relationship. I told him maybe we needed a break and I didn’t know if I wanted to be with him. I returned the photo he gave me when we first started dating and he accepted every time I told him I was unhappy and maybe we shouldn’t be together.

    He was the one who proposed that we cut contact for 2 weeks so that he could think. I personally know I need to try and accept that this is the end. I miss how our relationship used to be. I miss the man that I used to know and doesn’t exist anymore in this time… one year isn’t a long time but we saw each other every day. He always tried to change me… but I grew to love him a lot. Everything is so uncertain but I am fairly sure it’s the end for us. I love you Sunny. I am sorry.

    I will try NC for 60 days but I will also do anything it takes to get my mind away from this.

  • I walked away from him. After numerous affairs and me forgiving him over and over, I finally walked away! Now, the hard part has been not letting him suck me back in again. I know that I’m doing the right thing for me. I’ve initiated the no contact rule. He kept texting, so I put a blocker on my phone and blacklisted him. Now he’s emailing me. It is hard because I spent over 4 years with him. There’s always that breaking point where you say enough is enough. The no contact rule has really started helping me out. I’ve focused more on my career, gotten back into school, and gone out to meet new people. There is hope. It’s hard to see it in the beginning of the break up, but it’s there.

  • Hi Eddie (and everyone else),

    I really need your advice. Here goes…

    My ex and I were together for 2 years. We knew each other in high school, lost touch for many years while we each went to college (he’s 3 years older than me), then got back in touch while I lived in a different state and he came to visit family he has living in that state. We got back in touch and our relationship took off from there. He started buying plane tickets at least every other weekend for me to come see him or him to come see me, until I decided to move home 3 months later.

    Our relationship was great. In the beginning we would refer to it as a flame- we were just so connected. We never ever fought during our entire relationship which is pretty unheard of. But for the last few months, our relationship started to slow down. We stopped going out and lost pretty much all our friends. We fell into this routine of just staying in and doing nothing, so the flame started to die out. I started feeling this way and would think to say something to him, but most times I would convince myself it is all in my head and he’s a great guy. Every so often (usually with the help of a few drinks) I would make a comment about it, and he would act confused and say our relationship was stable so there was no problem, and I would just agree and we’d move on. It felt like it just got thrown under the bus, not solved, but I didn’t want to lose a great guy so I let it go.

    Now my ex is an extremely hard worker. He owns his own business and that is his entire life. I’ve always respected his work ethic, but it seems that is all he cares about. He works mon-sat and whenever I want to do anything social, he feels it’s unproductive and wants nothing to do with it. He has always had a goal of reaching $1 million before he’s 30, and he’s about a year and a half away and not at his goal. Maybe that’s where the obsession with work comes from- I don’t know.

    Anyways, about 2 months ago now, I brought up that I wished we liked each other more. In the 2 years we were together, he’s never once said he loved me. I always found that odd. I know he feels that way, but those words terrify him because he’s never loved anyone before. I tried to convince myself that I didn’t need to hear it because I felt it, but after 2 years I just needed more. It was a Thursday I brought it up through text after a happy hour with co-workers (again, with a little liquid courage). He was like “what are you talking about? i do like you”. After realizing what I’d done, I didn’t respond. He called a few times and I didn’t answer. He eventually showed up at my house and we talked a little and at first he said our relationship is fine, but eventually his true feelings started to come out. He said he’s never been in a serious relationship like this and at times he feels stiffled. He wants to travel the world and do whatever he wants whenever he wants, and feels with a gf he can’t do that because it wouldn’t be right to just buy a plane ticket for tomorrow and go. I told him if that’s what he wants to do, go do it. He lives with 2 other single guys, so I think that influences him a bit when he sees the things they can do. After a long talk, he said he didn’t want to lose me and we would work on things and continue this conversation later (I had work the next morning).

    The next day, Friday, after work, our typical routine started again. We stayed in all weekend and once again the conversation wasn’t brought back up. By Sunday, I was frustrated again. I felt like he just threw my feelings under the bus again because talks of emotion freak him out. So Sunday night I brought it up again. I told him how I’d been feeling and that I need more from the relationship. I don’t want to be with a guy that feels stiffled, as he should want to spend time with me. I told him I wanted to do fun things and I wanted someone that wanted to do fun things with me. I said maybe we should spend some time apart to see if this relationship is right. Now to be honest, I was hoping he would fight back on this and try to make the relationship work. To my surprise, he didn’t. He just sat there and agreed. He said that my feelings are valid and I deserve more. He just can’t give me more at this juncture so maybe we do need to spend time apart. I couldn’t believe my ears. That’s it? After 2 years he’s not going to try even a little? I was so hurt and started crying. I packed up everything I have at his house and left. I figured I would hear from him later that night but didn’t. He texted me the next day saying he doesn’t like seeing me upset. During that week we texted a few times. That Friday night he sent me a long text how he’s not happy without me and realizes its him that needs to change. I thought we were making progress. That Sunday we met up and discussed that we are just taking a step back to “recalibrate” as he called it and that we were not single. He said to give him like a week or 2 by himself. Him realizing he needs to change is a good thing. I thought we were on the right track.

    Now fast forward a month and a half, nothing has changed. He sends me texts every few days about how much he misses me and how he can’t stop thinking about me, but when I ask what he’s going to do about it he gets all defensive and says he doesn’t know he needs to focus on himself. After a month and a half of that, I became frustrated. Working on himself is a good thing, but what about working on the relationship? Having him say he still wanted to be my boyfriend but then not act like my boyfriend was something I wasn’t ok with. I decided it was time to get stern and tell him if we didn’t start working on our relationship now than I needed to move on and be single. I went over to his house and we had a long talk about it. He said the past month and a half has been eye opening for him. His business has been doing much better because he didn’t have outside distractions. He’s been focusing more on himself- gym, yoga, eating better- and is feeling good. He said he thinks about me everyday and that’s hard, but he feels he can’t make anyone else happy until he’s happy, so he just needs to focus on himself and if that means I am going to be single, than maybe that’s best for right now. For the first time he said he loves me and falls more and more in love with me everyday and that “terrifies” him. He just needs to focus on himself and work right now and if we’re meant to be, we will come together again after he gets himself right. I couldn’t believe my ears! He’s going to tell me he loves me for the first time ever while we’re breaking up? Coward.

    This was an extremely difficult day for me. Break ups are hard as it is, but on top of everything we had a cruise scheduled for 2 weeks from then that I had won at work, so it was a bunch of work people going. It was already booked with both our names. What was I to do? Do I suck it up and put on a brave face and go on the cruise with my ex of 2 weeks, or do I cancel? I decided I couldn’t cancel on my work and make them lose money for my personal problems. My ex and I talked about it and he said if I wanted him to go that he would because he cares about me and will be there for whatever I need.

    Fast forward 2 weeks, we went on the cruise. It started a bit awkward, as we barely talked in those 2 weeks, but after the first few hours it was as if nothing had changed. We were back to being the great couple we used to be. We talked about things we wanted to do together in the future- different activities. He kept holding my hand, kissing my cheek, etc- saying he just couldn’t keep his hands off me and he’s missed me so much. I thought maybe this cruise happened for a reason and was bringing us back closer.

    We had a great time but on the last night, we got in a fight. All the problems that we had been hiding away in order to have a good time showed their ugly faces. It was an emotion filled fight, and I said some things I probably shouldn’t have. We fell asleep angry at one another and woke up the same way. We got off the boat and the car ride home was silent for the most part. As we neared his house to drop him off before I had to go back to work, we started talking. He was like “look I don’t want to fight with you. I never want to fight with you. I don’t want this to end on bad terms. I care about you a lot and can’t picture you not in my life. I want us to still talk. I can’t imagine fully losing you. I know at my age society tells me I’m supposed to settle down with “the one” and you’re the closest thing I’ve ever had to that. I know you think exs can’t be friends, but most people aren’t as connected as we are. If you don’t want to speak to me (I told him during our fight the night before that I wanted nothing to do with him anymore), I will respect that. But I hope we can. I can’t imagine us living so close and not being able to talk and go to dinner sometimes and just stay in each others lives.” I apologized and admitted that maybe I was a little harsh last night. At some point we could probably be friends, but I just needed some time apart to put him back in the friend zone. I guess I knew about the NC rule before finding this site lol πŸ™‚

    That was last Monday, so about 2 weeks ago. After dropping him off, it all hit me. The relationship is over. The month and a half “taking a step back” ultimately ended us. I blamed myself because I’m the one that opened the door and brought to light our problems, but it really hurt that he was ok with just letting me go and somehow the ball ended up in his court and he got the control. What happened? Did I break up with him? Did he break up with me? Was it mutual? I just felt lost.

    To take my mind off him, I downloaded Tinder. Probably not the best move, but I had seen my friends doing it and thought it could entertain me for the time being. Not at all taking it seriously. I dropped him off at his house around 10:30am and at about 4:30pm I received a text from him. His friend saw me on tinder and screenshotted it to him. Well I got caught quickly…he didn’t really say anything besides lol. Then 4 hours later I received another text from him that just said “weirdddd”. Now I don’t know what was weird because I decided not to respond- again using the NC rule before even knowing about it! I don’t know if he was still thinking of me on tinder and that was weird or if it hit him we are really done now because the cruise is over so we have nothing to look forward to. Who knows.

    After I didn’t respond to him, I didn’t hear from him. I was actually doing ok. I felt strong and convinced myself that everything happens for a reason. Our final fight gave me the closure I needed to force myself it was time to move on. Things were going much better than I had imagined they would…or so I thought. After the first week, I started to feel weird. Kinda numb. Emotionless. Just weird.

    Then, something strange happened. Wednesday (9 days later) I received 2 texts from him. The first just “hi” and the second “are we allowed to talk yet..”. Now what was I supposed to do? Do I respond with something along the lines of “what do you want to talk about?” or “what is there to talk about?” My friend suggested something along the lines of “unlike you I am dealing with our breakup and it takes time”. So what did I end up doing? Nothing. I didn’t respond. I just didn’t know what to say and felt like he expects me to at least say something because I have never ignored him before. He doesn’t know what life is like without me and I think he’s taken that for granted.

    Well now it’s Sunday. I never wrote back and I haven’t heard anything from him since. Did I do the right thing? Am I on the right track? Reading about your NC rule makes me think I am. But did the month and a half “taking a step back” ruin it? Should I have gone NC then? Do we have a chance of getting back together? I know I deserve more, but I feel he’s capable of giving me it if he tries. I admire his desire to be successful in business, but what is all the money in the world if you have no one to share it with? I feel there is a reason we were brought back together after so many years.

    So this is where I need your advice… Is there hope for us? Are we really done? How long do I maintain this NC? Am I wasting my time with someone that isn’t going to give me what I want for a very long time, if ever? Is he really over me?

    Sorry this got way longer than intended- I just wanted you to know the whole story before giving me your thoughts. I really appreciate your help, and anyone else’s! πŸ™‚

    • Hi Jenny,

      What happened to you two in the end? Are you guys still together? Have you even talked/met him again?

      Ron

  • jo jo Bean says:

    Hello my ex broke up with me after 8 years . We just got a house together and after 2 weeks he said I should move out . I am 14 years older and he just out of nowhere said he wants to explore life and he doesn’t know what makes him happy anymore. I left and have not contacted him. It has been 2 weeks and I have heard nothing. We had a great relationship I am blindsided by all of this and do not understand . He wanted children that I could not give to him because of my age. I am hurt so badly and don’t know what to do. I feel I should just move on and let him have a chance at life and be able to have a family. I m hurt emotionally so bad. I can not describe the pain . The relationship was always good but I knee this dsy would come . Help!

    • I can relate. After an 8 year relationship my gf left abruptly. I had to do some digging and found she had been starting an online relationship with a much wealthier man. It’s completely brutal and I struggle just to get through each day. No contact in 2 weeks but I don’t feel any better. My only point in stating this is that you are not alone. This type of suffering seems to be an unfortunate circumstance of being human. Trust me, I know the depths of how you must feel.

      • jo jo bean says:

        David thanks for responding. I just hope each day gets a little easier . Right now it’s hard and the pain is unbearable . I think we can both make it through this. Has it just been 2 weeks for you? Have you had any contact? It’s been 3 weeks for me and no contact . I guess I need to work on myself and try to move on. What are your plans ?

      • jo jo bean says:

        What should we do from here ? Will you talk if she calls or will you just move on?

  • Hello every one,I feel like I’m in a therapy session pfeww what a relief to know there are people out there who are going through this and I’m not alone! Myboyfriend and I have been together for almost 8months and use to go to his place every weekend,we were very close,he introduced me to his family everything was smooth,we were each other’s best friends. Last weekend I didn’t go to his place,and didn’t ask him because I thought he needed space. I tried to call him diring the week and he didn’t pick up,got so worried thought something happened to him cause he usually calls me almost everyday checked his facebook he had updated a status 2hours ago, 3days ago he came to me telling me he has moved in with his ex from another city,and he realises he loves me more,he doesn’t have guts to tell her to move out cause he is a sweet person so he says! Damn I was crushed. Its clear they were communicating and he never told her he has a girlfriend, when he told me this he was crying told me he doesn’t want to break up with me,tells me he didn’t think she ill really move in with him. To make the story short I told him I’m not gonna wait around whilst he is deciding who he wants to be with,told me he broke my trust I wanted to cry,but I withheld my tears whilst talking to him! We exchanged text he told me he loved me and that he never lied about! Now I’m on day3 of no contact I’ve got this ish,I cry some times,but I own this breakup it won’t own me.

  • My ex boyfriend and I had been dating for 2.5 yrs. I helped him out when I first met him, he was a pill addict who was out of control and was cheating on his present gf. He is gay and I helped him come out. I also helped him get off pills (so I thought). About a year and a half into the relationship, I found out he cheated on me and was back on pills. He was actually on pills while cheating on me. I was super scared and had to get tested for STD’s. He went to a 30k/mo rehab for 1 month. When he came out, we had rules laid out to help with the addiction and cheating. That was last year in Sept. We ended up breaking up a few months later, after the rules were too much and he thought he could handle drinking and smoking weed again. Since then it’s been on and off. I found out he was on methadone (basically heroine in a pill) earlier this year and was chatting with other people super inappropriately about sex. This was even when we said we would work through everything and had even started couples counseling. I currently have a business with him that we have had for the last year and a half yet I’m not getting any money out of it. He handles all the transactions because I have an actual job and he doesn’t. He is getting all the money and I’m not getting anything even though I’m the business partner. I have decided to block him from my phone until I can figure out what to do with the biz. I tried doing this two weeks ago and he ended up writing me a letter and also texting me from his coworkers phone. I saw him last week to give him some clothes he had at my place and I feel like the pain started all over again. He told me he was willing to work through therapy and that he would call me that night. He never called and the next day I blocked him. I find myself thinking about him a lot and it’s tough to stop. I really just want to find peace and be able to move on. He’s also in his mid 20’s and very good looking. I know that he’s talking to other people now and I don’t want to expose myself to that. It would kill me.

  • i am on 6th day of nc rule .it will help me but i still not able to get the reasons for my breakup.we were in relation for 3 years and for initial 2.5 year i have been harsh to her i wanted her to live according to me and she did it.i often use abusive language for her family bcoz i really dont like her family .her parents are against our marriage as said by her .anyhow in last 6 months i have to move to another city and ater 2 months of departure she began to change,she become harsh ,go with friends without my notificaton and even talk to other guys which i knw later .i started to become recessive as she progress to become dominant.i go to meet her and she said i didnt want to meet u .i threatened her to tell her father and she came with boy in her car and said father wants to meet u . i call her father and he said i knew nothing abt u and use abusive language .after that she didnt attend my call and after abt 20 days i again vidsited her office and ask her to reunite ,beg infrnt of her and even ask atleast tell me the reason.she said it is very personal and i cant share with u.after about month i started nc as she didnt respond to me and i am regaining control but i still nt get the reaoson for our break up.is she engaged with other .is she cheated me.i can easily take revenge frm her and even destroy her life as i ve some valid proofs but i forgive her,so eddie what abt reason for our break up

  • I am about to implement no contact. It is going to be extremely difficult. My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with me a month ago, saying he had love for me, but was no longer in love with me. Behind my back, he moved out all of his things and called me to tell me it was over. He had lived with me and helped raise my daughter since she was three years old. We had been having problems. He wasn’t working and I felt like all his time was spent talking online and working on various projects with friends, I was getting physically aggressive and verbally abusive because I was so frustrated by his lack of connection and emotional unavailability, and he was witholding affection and sex from me. It was desperate times. After we broke up, he came back and spent some nights with me, we made love and I told him that I truly loved him and wanted to make things work. He told me he still had romantic feelings for me and promised me that we would try to work it out, he just needed space. He got a gig in Australia for a month, and I dropped him off at the airport. I kept asking him if he was returning and he kept promising that he was. I was so insecure at this time. Not two weeks into his trip there, I felt something was off. I questioned him if he was falling for the girl he was staying with and working for. After pulling teeth, he finally admitted that he was in love and that they had already had sex, and that he was finding a deeply spiritual relationship with her, something he never had with me (even though I had wanted that, but he never was interested). He told me they were soulmates and that he had found the one. I was heartbroken. Not only did he lie to me, he also lied to my daughter who is just 5 years old. He said he lied out of survival fear. I have been in contact with him almost non stop to try to understand what has happened, to pour out my feelings for him in hopes that my love alone will bring him back to me. All I get in return is patient understanding and he tells me he has moved on emotionally. I became suicidal. I had even thought I was pregnant because my stress was so severe it cut off my period. After a month of this, and nearly losing everything, I finally woke up. Now I am cutting him out, just as he cut me out. It is scary and painful, but I don’t see a way for me to grow and to become whole again trying to hold onto a relationship that has long been broken.

  • Thank you for this post.

    I broke up with my ex in May and even though it is 4.5 months ago I still find it really really really hard to get over the bitterness and hate for her that I have.

    I admit I wasn’t 100% innocent in the relationship something I regret however I would never have hurt her the way she did me. The story is way to long to write but we were engaged together for 2 years she was my best friend and one day she called me on the phone and told me she didn’t want to be with me she didn’t love me to move on and she would marry an arab man to stay in the UK (she is from Dubai). I had never been in love before and was in so much shock and distraught I immediately turned to my friends and family for comfort who met her and knew her well. She now blames me for this and say’s I turned everyone against her when I honestly was just heartbroken looking for support.

    She asked for her engagement ring back the next day to sell for rent money, she proceeded to sleep with many other different women and literally have zero contact with me for 2 months until out of the blue 2 months later she contacts me and tells me that she wants to be “friends”. I found out last week that the holiday to Mexico I spent Β£1,200 on which i actually ended up signing over to her as she convinced me she wanted to “sell” it she actually went with a girl she befriends online who I believed was just a friend and who when we were together I actually agreed to try and help get her a job in England! A job with a CV & cover letter I CREATED for her!

    On top of that 3 weeks ago I agreed to meet her and she asked me to come to her (even though she doesn’t work and comes from rich arab family) for closure. I agreed. She asked me to go there as she couldn’t travel to London while her father is there (strict arab culture). When I get to her city (I take a day of my annual leave holiday and pay the ticket) I find out she is actually around for another 3 weeks in England and her dad leaves in 2 days so she could of come seen me. So I just feel even more mugged off.

    I want to be a bigger person but I have never felt so betrayed by someone ever. I feel the hate inside my gut everyday I wake up and I don’t want it. Finding out about the holiday last week, sending a girl on a holiday I paid for and planned to propose there while she KNEW I was sick in hospital just makes me want to punch her face in so hard it explodes as bad as that sounds. This is a girl when I met her who didn’t have any confidence, I introduced her to modelling, to my friends and family who excepted her everything. Is there any advice how I deal with the hate in my heart because I want it to go so badly I don’t know how. I just feel this scar of betrayal I carry everywhere with me like a weight holding me down.

    Thanks for any advice.

    xx

  • Hi All,

    My NC has been over 3 days ago, going on to 63 days today. For some reason I felt this enormous loneliness and missing my ex even though it has been 5 months, I do not know what sparked this but I have an idea…my colleagues who met my ex at work functions etc still have her as a friend of Facebook and I told them this as a concern for me because I really want to break all connection from her, but they say all they are doing is keeping tabs on her and this is unsettling.

    Just knowing that they know what is going on in her life gives me the urger to want to look at her profile and find out what it is they know that I don’t.

    How do I fix this problem?

  • Hi Amitaf,
    Thank you for the reply. I hope you are becoming even better now. I am feeling better as the days pass. I am at day 10 of NC. my life started to return back and I started to focus more at work. Keep up the good work and the positive view and i am sure you will find Mr. Right ! πŸ™‚

  • The worst feeling I have is at the time I wake up in the morning. I have palpitation and I feel in so much pain. That is the time I cry the most. I started to feel scared of sleeping because I fear the feeling when I wake up. Does someone have a way to help.

    • Hi nahed,

      It’s okay to cry. Just let it all out. You’ll feel better. But you should not be afraid, because you will make matters worst by adding negativity in your thoughts. I know how it hurts and I’m still experiencing that throbbing pain, palpitations that never go away even though I’m at day 25 of NC. But I’m still doing okay, you just have to focus yourself on positive thoughts such as you can survive this, this is only temporary, then imagine yourself being happy, independent, and confident in the future and never caring about your stupid ex anymore. Don’t let pain and fear control your life. I know it’s hard to do but it’s not impossible. BE POSITIVE πŸ™‚

  • Thanks for the encouragement, Sue. Just keep telling myself one day at a time. It’s amazing how similar break ups are to detoxing. I know it’s been said before, but it really is interesting to me how alike they are. (I work in a detox/psych hospital.) Anyone else, when they’re out and socializing,despite having fun, always have a nagging sense that something’s missing? I do, and it’s my ex. Finding it a challenge to stay focused on the present moment and not drift to thoughts of him. And the more you tell yourself to “Stop thinking about them!”, the harder it is to stop. But…one day at a time.

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