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Signs That You May Be Addicted To Your Ex

Sometimes when experiencing a break-up, it feels like you were completely and utterly NOT prepared for what hit you.

It might not only be the fact that it may have come out of the blue for you, but also this inevitable truth of LOSS that is so hard to handle with the things you’ve learned so far in life.

Many of you will have experiences already with forms of loss in your lives, but have they prepared you for the one you are suffering from now?

The one thing I’m sure nobody prepared you for is the fact that you may be addicted to your Ex.

What does it really mean to be addicted to your Ex?

An addiction is per definition:

“a persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful, characterized by well-defined physiological, (here psychological), symptoms upon withdrawal”

In our case – whether we acknowledge that or not – the harmful substance is our Ex.

And there’s exactly the rub.

That we successfully ignore and refuse to believe that our Ex is harmful to us and to our healing process.

In your recovery, the problem can never be the solution simultaneously. [tweet this]

But this is exactly where we lie to ourselves, believing and hoping that our Ex is the way out of our suffering.

Unfortunately,this is so far from the truth.

(MORE: 7 Reasons Why You Should NOT Want Your Ex Back)

So what the hell happened to us?

A study published in the Journal of Neurophysiology reveals that romantic rejection triggers the same areas in the brain as an addiction.

Researchers used modern diagnostic tools to record the brain activity of participants in a study who had gone through a break-up recently. The participants described themselves as “absolutely and very intensely in love”.

The results of the study were clear and somewhat disturbing.

“The evidence is clear that the passion of romantic love is a goal-oriented motivation state, not a specific emotion. There’s a whole pathway that when you are rejected becomes activated just as it does with nicotine cravings or alcohol. These areas are associated with physical pain and decision-making. If you’ve been rejected, you’re in pain, craving this person, trying to figure out what’s going on. You crave the person who dumped you, you go through withdrawal, you can relapse, and cravings can be sparked months after you think you’ve gotten over it.” (Researcher Helen E. Fisher, source).

What this actually means, non-scientifically speaking, is that you’ve associated your Ex’s love with pleasure and happiness.  This got wired into your brain, and now you are convinced there is NO happiness without your Ex.

I understand how that happens. I’ve been there.

That is why we stalk, (especially “Facebook-Stalk”), harass and terrorize our Ex. We desperately want the drug so we can be happy again.

I remember vividly how that actually felt back then. This gut-wrenching feeling that there is a hole in your soul that cannot be filled… yet you try and try.

How To Break the Ex-Addiction

What you have to do, basically, is to re-wire you brain.

This means that step-by-step, you have to disassociate your Ex from the notion of security, happiness and fulfillment.

“Your Ex is NOT responsible for your happiness,” so my distant relative told me many years ago, and my recovery exploded.

Don’t try to ignore or shut off your emotions, because you can’t. Accept them as a part of your Ex-Withdrawal, as part of your recovery.

You MUST go through the pain, it’s one of the most important aspects of your healing.

Of course, to break the Ex-Addiction, you must follow the No-Contact Rule. This is absolutely essential.

You can’t withdraw from a drug by consuming the drug. It’s simply not possible.

With time, dedication and discipline you slowly shift your focus from your Ex to yourself.

Because the biggest benefit of your recovery is the self-knowledge that you gain. Finding out who your really are.

And this knowledge – if done right – will enable you to enter future relationships:

  1. in a more confident and stronger way
  2. making sure your needs are met
  3. eliminating all the partners that are bad for you beforehand
  4. attracting only the ones that are good for you
  5. bullet-proofing your heart from future break-up

This has been my mission to help you with since 2005, (in my coaching and in my home-study version the ExDetoxSystem).

I want you to recognize the opportunity this insanity has. I want you to acknowledge that your Ex isn’t the solution, and that getting them back won’t heal you.

I want you to WANT to get better in every possible way.

If you look at me, this break-up was the best thing that happened to me. I excelled in every aspect once I realized the potential that lied in this opportunity.

If you knew me back then, you wouldn’t recognize me now.

I want for you to go through the same process I went through, and come out of it as confident and strong as I did.

Is your Ex-Addiction treatable?

Absolutely.

But you have to WANT it, and you have to TAKE the right steps.

What do YOU think? Are you addicted to your Ex? Please share in the comment-section below.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

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61 Responses to Signs That You May Be Addicted To Your Ex

  1. George Lenett July 17, 2013 at 9:20 am #

    Thank you for this article… My biggest issue is that I realized i was not even in love with my ex anymore and i had no desire to contact her, i havent in months. But my biggest problem is the whole “facebook” stalking thing.

    I removed her from all social media sites and i still find a way to see her photos, what shes up to, and so forth. I dont get it, i dont want her back, yet i still do it. Why?

    I will do my best to follow the steps mentioned.

    • Healing Heart July 23, 2013 at 1:42 am #

      I have only recently realised – after trying to break away from my ex since April – that it isn’t about him, it’s me. He psychologically abused me, but I would go running back to him or sat waiting for him to change and want me. He didn’t want to be with me, but he didnt want to let me go either.

      I had to question why I was putting myself through the constant torture and rejection. The answer stems from my childhood and fear of abandonment. I am estranged from my parents and had a traumatic childhood. I thought if I could win this guy, everything would be okay. I was wrong and when I look back to most of my relationships, they were either with inappropriate or unavailable men.

      I had tried no contact since April, but never lasted much past a week. The last attempt however lasted 18 days and only because he text me. I ignored it for a day, then curiosity got the better of me and i replied; I knew this was wrong. Within 12hrs he hurt me again. I was in so much pain and felt suicidal, so I sent him the last message he will ever receive from me 5 days ago. 2 days later, he tried to bust my boundaries, but I never replied and I never will.

      I need to resolve my issues through counselling and with the help of Eddie and this website, to prevent me from making the same mistakes again. I am determined this time that i will keep my ex out of my life through no contact. I no longer want him anymore, I want to learn from it and heal. I deserve to be happy. Stay strong everyone, you are estranged or a reason. Question what it is inside you that makes you want them THAT badly and deal with those issues 🙂

  2. JoJo July 17, 2013 at 4:52 pm #

    YES I am addicted to my ex. We got divorced 3 years ago and over that 3 year period even though we were both trying to move on and were with different people from time to time we STILL continued to call each other or text to tell each other that we still loved and missed each other. Every relationship I was in I compared it to what we had when we first got married. I always ended up breaking up with whoever I was with because it wasnt him – the love of my life.

    After 3 years of not seeing each other we did end up back together 8 months ago. I left a week ago because I was not happy and the original spark was no longer there. I have cried for days and I am still struggling from the withdraw from not being able to talk or text him. Even though it was my choice to leave, it doesnt make it any easier. It feels like a death of a best friend that I know I will never see or talk to again. Wanting to make my life better – wanting to LET GO for good but struggling …

    • Jon July 17, 2013 at 7:35 pm #

      I am addicted to my ex. I went NC two and a half months ago after she told me she was seeing someone. During that time I went nuts. I couldn’t sleep, eat, I started drinking in excess, ws in full self destruction mode. I couldn’t take it anymore.
      I sent her a text to let her know I was thinking of her. She actually responded telling me she had been thinking about me too. It was like what I imagine a dose of heroin must be for a junkie. I felt great to have had contact. Now, I am anxious, confused, and somewhat depressed. I want more but am so afraid she will reject me. I NEED to know if she is happy. I have false hope and therein lies the confusion because I know she’s with someone else and probably wouldn’t leave. This sucks! I made a mistake by letting myself contact her. I should have let it go.

      • Arun Kumar July 19, 2013 at 9:54 am #

        Dear jon,

        Just stay strong and don’t contact her. I also contacted my ex after 7 days of NC, thinking I will get her back. But got only more pain & betrayal. Eddie has said right they (our ex) are not the same. We all make mistakes but you should learn from it. That’s the main thing.

        • Jon July 25, 2013 at 1:03 am #

          Thanks Arun. I appreciate it. I know what youean about more pain. I tried to contact her one last time and got confirmed. She told me she shouldn’t talk to me out of respect for the new guy. That was a total bummer. 13 years and she can’t give me any respect but the new guy gets it?
          Oh well. I have to move on and heal.
          Eddie is great and has nothing but good advice. I recommend listening to him because he seems to know better. It’s difficult to do this alone so heed the advice on the site.

  3. Arun Kumar July 19, 2013 at 6:52 am #

    Hi everyone,

    “Yesterday is a history, tomorrow is a mystery, TODAY is a GIFT, that’s why it’s called the present.”

    Stay calm & be strong everybody,

  4. Tan July 19, 2013 at 9:08 pm #

    I am addicted to my Ex, I have the impresion that if it’s not him I will never be happy again…Today I called him, I know I did wrong but I really needed it, to hear it from him, That IT IS OVER. He said it. We talked a little and after that I am crying like a little girl, like we just broke up, when we broke in march…and the only thing he said is that he broke with me in february, last year,…so the came backs together aren’t important. It really hurts, I really associated him with happiness and love. Maybe my problem is that he is my first and only love… I tried dating but it really feels bad. Today I start my journey of finding myself and NC. I WANT it.
    Eddie, thank you very much for your help and blog, and thanks to everyone, I feel I am not alone.

    • Arun Kumar July 20, 2013 at 10:26 am #

      Dear Tan,

      Go ahead with No Contact you will feel better after some time. You deserve someone better. Who will consider himself lucky to have found you. Just wait for that time.

      We all are with you.

    • Eddie Corbano July 20, 2013 at 12:16 pm #

      Congratulations Tan on that decision… you won’t regret it. It always pays out to invest in yourself.

      • Tan July 21, 2013 at 6:46 pm #

        Eddie and Arun,
        Thank you a lot for encouraging me, still going with it, day 2 without contact, and it feels okay, maybe because everything was said. I really don’t have anything more to tell him. It feels like I dropped a huge stone that I was carrying along, and I fell a little happy about it. I am not crying right now. I still didn’t change all my thoughts, but now I think I have the responsability to be happy, simply be a little more happy everyday and enjoy my life. I was only suffering for months and months, lost myself…and I am not this pessimist person.
        Many thanks to all. I hope everyone takes a good desision and encounters the strength to stop being unhappy.
        It’s how Eddie says, it’s a choise, and we have to simply be happy. It can sound strange but I’ll believe in it and rebuild my life.
        I am with you all. We CAN do IT.

        • Arun Kumar July 22, 2013 at 12:18 pm #

          Dear Tan,

          Hope you are well,

          Forgive your ex for what he has done. You will get a big relief.Go for shopping, go for walk with your friends, give time to your family who are the ones who really love you & pray to god (this really helps you). After 3-4 days you will feel somewhat better, try Eddie’s meditation techniques 15 minutes before sleeping. You will be able to sleep well. I am doing all these things and feeling very relieved. I am happy to know that you have now understand that your happiness dwells in you.

          Sta strong, we all are with you..

  5. Don July 20, 2013 at 1:48 am #

    Eddie and my fellow heartbroken compadres,

    Firstly, thank you for all of the inspiring articles and testimonies; these blogs and comments have been tremendously helpful in realizing that while my situation feels insurmountable, I am not alone in the long arduous climb.
    My story is a long and painful one. Sometimes (often times) the pain was a reaction that came from my own stupidity and weakness. I’m not an addict nor do I have an addictive personality but I do have a weakness for light eyes, blonde hair and a body that would make any straight man’s stomach knot. Let me introduce my ex. I met her in college and I know its cheesy and cliche but literally the first time she walked in on the first day of class a voice in the back of my head said, “if you can, marry this girl”. Shallow, I know, I didn’t even know her (nor did I truly EVER). This shallowness would be a driving factor that shaped my life for the next 4 years and leave me empty and longing a year after we finally called it quits. Make no mistake, we had broken up in the privacy of our apartment a couple times, usually after I found out that she was talking to, and yes sleeping with someone else. This happened with probably 6-10 guys(?!?!?!?)
    They say hindsight is 20-20 and if there was one thing I regret, it would be that I didn’t kick her to the curb the first time she cheated on me, but no, I forgave and buried it deep knowing that it wouldn’t really last because it was already over. She had some serious personality issues that I tried to help her with, like being bipolar, alcoholic and in my own diagnosis a utter and complete sociopath/psychopath. With that said, she never really cared despite her constant saying that she did. I obviously made mistakes too (putting up with it is a big one). I’m 100% certain that after it all she isn’t worried about me or thinking about me whatsoever. Unfortunately I conditioned myself like Pavlov’s dog to think that this kind of abuse was normal and necessary which has left me without my reward and in a constant state of self-abuse.
    I’ll admit that I broke the no contact rule several times throughout the year that we’ve been apart. Once when I found out she had another boyfriend (literally the same day that we broke up, it was “facebook official”). Another time when I found out that the same guy (whom I met, unknowingly) killed himself because he found her in bed with another guy who later became her fiance (within 3 months of breaking up with me) which, yet again, caused me to call. There were times when she would call me for no good reason other than to make sure I wasn’t over her, like when she called looking for her tax documents (haha). Then we’d stop talking. It usually came after name-calling and saying things designed deliberately to hurt one another. Then I found out through a mutual friend (well her exfriend) that her engagement was off. And once again I caved and called her knowing that she was prone to substance abuse in times of desperation ( a consistent worry throughout the relationship). I called and a broken, low, yet happy-to-hear-from-me voice answered. Regrettably my heart said, “this is it, she wants you back. Play it cool and she’ll be yours again”. Wherever that came from, it was a lie and when she said she no longer cared for me she meant it. But after that phone call we remained in close contact and thankfully she checked herself into a rehab facility where she would call me every other day and she never sounded better. I can’t describe the feeling of happiness and optimism when I left my house to go on my “first date” with the REAL person I fell in love with. Confusion is how I would describe the feeling when she kissed me after an hour into this date. When I asked her why she kissed me, she calmly and cooly said, “because I wanted to”. She knew she had me right back in her pocket, wrapped around that cold finger. Later that day she told me that I was insecure and that she didn’t need me in her life (after I spilled my emotional beans to her). When I got home I made it a point not to text her first and she eventually sent me a message saying, “Thanks so much for the fun day. I missed you and I wanted to let you know I appreciate you”. My heart skipped, missing the key word “appreciate”.
    We went on another date that went even better than the first. People were commenting to us how nice of a couple we were and that we looked like “movie stars”, we smiled at eachother…if only these people knew. She did (and always did throughout the relationship) pepper the conversation with information on who she was talking to, with no regards to how it would affect me (even though she knew). She told me about all the times she cheated on me, and how devastated she was when she found out in rehab that her ex fiance was dating someone else. Never was there any remorse for me and all I’ve endured, sacrificed and put up with in the hopes that things would someday workout.
    Finally after a few weeks of facebook stalking looking for any signs of who she was referring to only find it was several guys all sending her flowers (pictures were posted). I lost it, called her up and told her I can’t talk to her ever again. She once again, calmly and cooly said, “since I care about you so much and still love you and always will I will respect your decision”. I think to myself now, what a brilliant thing to say! She’s a pro. Just like that she was off the hook and still in control. I haven’t heard or made any contact with her since. I deleted her on facebook, made a nasty (but funny) name in my phone (I tried erasing it but I know it by heart) and vowed never to stalk her again. It still hurts and pisses me off that she doesn’t call and I’m just now starting to feel as though its truly and finally over. In a lot of ways she’s dead to me and that’s depressing since she was the first person I really, really loved. So far I’ve done an excellent job, using tips that I’ve accumulated here. So in many ways my no contact and recovery started in the 10th month of our break up. I have been tempted today to contact her on my 50th day of no contact but I came to this site instead…and I’m glad I did. This article reverberated to my core and left me with the determination to recall the bad and not the good that I saw in her.

    Now the challenge I face is a strange one. I’m not a cocky or self absorbed person but I know that I’m probably better looking than most people. I know that sounds completely hypocritical or whatever but I know I am, women stare at me and tell me wherever I go. Now my blessing has become my curse. With being completely dedicated to her I’ve lost all “swagger” and being rejected so frequently by her has left me completely insecure. Sure I can fake confidence and even score with some women, but I’m really not that kind of person. I like the sex much more when feelings were associated. Now everyone pressures me to talk to women when we go out and when I show little interest a year after the break-up people are beginning to question my sexuality. Plus, I just feel like I’m in the spotlight. I feel like everywhere I go, I’m running from her. I can’t help but go over those words she told me, “you’re just so insecure” and not think, sh*t, she’s right. How could I be secure? So, if you’ve read this I’m sure you’re thinking that phrase from the top, “idiot”…and you’re right. Thanks for reading anyway. I’m ready for this to be muddy water under a burnt bridge and from my experience with her and her rehabilitation I know that admitting you have a problem is the first step. SO here it goes: I AM ADDICTED TO MY EX. Now, onward and upward. In the words of our friend, whom most of us have and never will meet;
    FREE yourself. LIVE limit-less.

    • siriusstar July 26, 2013 at 9:39 pm #

      I too im going through a terrible heartbreak, my thoughts were constantly with that person. I find a lot of the advice on hearbreak – to shut yourself off to that person doesnt work for me personally.
      In my experience the only thing that truly works instantly, is not shutting your heart off, but opening it more. Its important to put yourself in their shoes if you can and have compassion for the person who broke your heart. If someone has hurt you, it is because they are hurt too,. Why are they hurt? What were they searching for? What was the thing they couldnt find? We are all struggling and suffering.
      If you send loving thoughts to that person, instead of focusing on your own hurt, it heals you. You can only truly be happy and healed when you are giving love to the world and yourself. The loving thoughts themselves will heal you. The loving thoughts can come if you can put yourself in their shoes as much as you can (hopefully their behavior is not so mysterious that you cant find that out!)

    • Paul August 12, 2013 at 5:34 am #

      Oh you are no idiot my friend. I recognize your story completely and it’s like a duplication of mine . Beauty is very hard to ignore in women and receiving and being in love with a beautiful women feels like gift . However you story sounds similar to mine . You may have been in love with a narcissist , and the mental conditioning and attitude they posses , drive a man to insanity especially if they are beautiful . They are so clever to fool there victim. The time to reprogram your thinking will take time . I am still working on my healing , but I have followed the no contact rule and it seems to be working slowly . Good luck dude and remember there are plenty of good people out there too .

    • debbie September 7, 2015 at 4:06 am #

      geez, that was a story and a half,, id like to know how good looking you really are,, I have the same problem and I am very picky tooo I have had a thing for my ex too, and never like anyone,, its terrible I find I get the yucks real quick well, get back take care deb

    • Krista July 28, 2016 at 4:06 am #

      I love it. Keep up the good work. You’re worth it!!

  6. Arun Kumar July 24, 2013 at 9:05 am #

    Dear Everyone,

    Can a relationship which ended due to cheating, can be ended well by wishing each other well for future life. She cheated on me, but then also I want to wish her best once and for last. Should I go for it guys tell me please.

    • Jon July 25, 2013 at 1:13 am #

      My advice to you would be to let it go, Arun. You don’t owe her that and if she cheated, she surely doesn’t feel she owes it to you. I’m sure she knows you love her as does my ex and it won’t mean a thing if she’s already moved on.

      • Arun Kumar July 26, 2013 at 7:06 am #

        Dear Jon,

        Thanks for your advice, as you said I have to let her go.I am on day 4 of NC. You also stray strong Jonny.

  7. Pup July 25, 2013 at 5:18 am #

    We were together for 5 years, he broke up with me a month ago. We went through a very tough time leading up to it and he became very hurt, we both did. I have accepted and acknowledged what Ive done wrong, the truth is I did play a large part in this but I also know that it takes 2 to tango. I feel ok most of the time, when I think about him I do miss him terribly and does make me very sad but I know my existence and happiness arent tied to him.
    Ive contacted him and was open and honest, not demanding and definitely not finger pointing. I dont regret doing it in the least and I completely made the right decision by sending the letter. Hes been really hurt by it all and doesnt want to go back to feeling that way, which is completely understandable, I dont either. He knows that I wanted to work things out and was willing to do the work but he isnt. Its all very sad since he always said he was going to marry me, I always pushed that talk away, hes even recently told people that he thought I was the girl he would marry. In Dec while we were on holiday, I realised I was thinking about spending the rest of my life with him, weird for me who had never thought of that in any other relationship or with another guy. I was perfectly happy to have my freedom before.
    In response to my letter he thanked me for my honesty and HE asked for no contact for 4-6 weeks. How odd.
    I wanted to tell him that he shouldnt contact me, that I needed to have no contact, so that I could start trying to heal myself because he chose to give up and not work on things.
    But I think I have decided to rather say nothing and start my no contact right there.
    I need to learn to move on with my life, if he wanted to be with me he would have made a different choice and I need to accept that.

  8. Brenda July 25, 2013 at 10:41 pm #

    Don and everyone else struggling,it has been 6 months for me without contact and I am feeling truly stronger in of myself.I no longer lie there thinking about the “what ifs”.It hasn’t been easy none of this is and that’s what Eddie is doing trying to pave the way for us not to be soo consumed by another like he was in the old days.

    We each of us has our path,our journey and we need to be whole and happy inside before we can attract another who will build us up,walk beside us and share with us.
    If we aren’t whole we will only attract the wrong people.
    Learning to be with myself and remember what it was that I loved to do before I ever met him was a challenge but it’s happening.
    So stay strong everyone,know that you are not alone and that given time and staying busy with friends and activities that your anguish will be a thing of the past and better things(people) are coming!
    I have put up on my wall “we are only one heartbreak away from the person we are meant to be with” that and “I miss you and I want to call BUT it will hurt me more”

    thanks Eddie and all of you for making this awful,gut wrenching time a whole lot better,
    Brenda aka trying not to be addicted to that someone who was never good for me or to me!

  9. Arun Kumar July 26, 2013 at 10:40 am #

    Dear Ms. Brenda,

    Thank you for your encouraging words.
    I am also looking forward to completely leave behind the past and begin a new journey. I am giving my time to family, On Sunday’s I am going outside to meet new people. She was my first life, when she proposed to me I could not resist. I felt how lucky & special I am. Now I think sometimes, back then, If I could have declined her proposal I would have been happy now. But as you said, we need to learn from mistakes. We need to improve ourselves , for that special person who will build us up, walk beside us and share with us.

  10. Arun Kumar August 2, 2013 at 9:32 am #

    Dear Friends,

    I realized yesterday I am very much addicted to my ex really.

    Yesterday, I just wanted to know how her life is going on, is everything fine. (As I got to know that she had a fight with her new boyfriend). So before going to bed I messaged her. I could not believe what happened next. She just replied “WHO ARE YOU”? I was completely shocked. She pretended like that she was someone else. But through her writing style I got that it is my ex and no one else. Then she again replied, “Who ever are you. Don’t ever call or msg on this number”. I also said that there is no need to act like that, be yourself and I promised her I will never message or call her. I couldn’t believe that people change so drastically when they get someone else to love them in their life. So, cheap she had to act like someone else to remove me from her life. This is a big lesson from me and I will learn from it. Again day 1 of NC

  11. Mpho August 2, 2013 at 1:42 pm #

    Hi All,

    Man this wheel just never stops rotating, I realized yesterday that I am addicted to my ex unconsciously, my ex’s friend contacted me via Facebook and started checking up on me on the regular and told me that what my ex did to me was something that she never expected it to happen and that my ex is unsure about the guy she is currently with, even though I know I should not be interested in what she is doing I kept listening.

    Then her friend invited me to a drink to which I accepted and went to, she started telling me about how I never deserved what happened to me and hopes that we can still see more of each other, I feel like there are two scenario’s going on here, either my ex sent her to keep tabs on me as I blocked her on all social sites and the other day linked in sent me a notification that two people viewed my profile in the last 3 days and she was one of them or she is being genuine…I know its playing with fire to even have a link to her by being friends with her friend but its just something I can’t shake off.

  12. Kapoor S August 7, 2013 at 6:59 pm #

    Hi,

    I broke up with my bf some 5.5 years ago, recently I contacted him and broke down as I so wanted him back. But I feel that for all those years that we were together (7 years) and post break up, he was never the man I though he is. His image that I carried in my mind does not match with the guy he actually is. I am just trying to figure things out and feeling terrible these days.

    • sumit November 7, 2014 at 1:32 pm #

      Hi, i do not understand that after such a long year you came to know that you still want you boyfriend. Omg you had 7 year of relationship and broke up 5.5 years ago and after 5.5 years you are thinking about your bf is it really a true love.Between these year have you not found any bf or would he not find any gf,i pray to god that you both get together if you really love him truely.God bless you

  13. zoltan August 16, 2013 at 7:52 pm #

    Hi,

    I do not know whether this belongs to the addiction category, but… so my story

    I had the worst kind of situation called “workplace romance”. My Ex is also someone with low self-esteem and indeed she is not really secure of her feminimity (she even thought about whether she should be a lesbian) and as always this resulted in an urge of compensation, i.e. to have men to assure her on her quality and she tend to use her powers to get this attention. Now last year we worked on a project together and I just happened to be there, a single man and a perfect target… I would not say it was totally bad, otherwise I would not allow myself to be “seduced”. In the end however it was a very asymmetric, abusive and dishonest relationship (since she needed men to provide her assurance and not me… and indeed she flirted with each and every able males) and after collecting enough negative experiences I finally dumped her and (tried to) initiate no contact.

    However we were a small company and we were one door away I saw her often (and this just underlines why no contact is absolutely neccessary) and I saw how much she suffered and indeed I felt that my behavior is damaging the “harmony” within the company. So I tried to change the thing, tried to reach a compromise… and all it produced was, as expectable, more chaos and more pain. And in the end it was back to no contact as there was no better alternative.

    In the meantime she has gone to our boss and presented him an ultimatum, that either me or her (without noticing me)… and as I know he replied that he need his one of the most productive employee so firing me is out of question…guess what she is still around (so it was just an attempt get rid of me).

    So at this point, while I am in no (direct) danger of losing my job, she is still a threat and combined with the previous experiences I feel myself quite betrayed and I hate quite. Is it means that I still addicted to her? Is forgiving really neccessary to move on?

    Thanks,

    zoltan

  14. Maria September 5, 2013 at 9:38 am #

    It’s a fascinating situation when it involves such deep feelings…what I’ve learned (and like most I’ve been on both sides of the breakup many times in life) is that intensity of feelings for the other, yearning to be with them, missing them deeply, feeling incomplete without them…while these feelings are to be honored, they are NOT ABOUT REAL LOVE. They are telling us that we need to get back to ourselves and see what’s missing inside us.

    Yes, breakups take two people, and the one ‘left’ is never a victim nor is the ‘dumper’ the bad guy.

    Relationships are just mirrors for our own issues. TRUST ME, they just reflect our own insecurities or lack of self love. If we spent more time getting to know ourselves, getting to be our own best friend, we would naturally attract relationships that reflect that. If we feel abandoned, then on some level we abandoned ourselves. It takes courage and patience to look at ourselves with a non judgmental eye and heart to see where we are not loving ourselves. The other one in our life is just there to help us to learn more about who we really are.

    We tend to give our power away to the other, believing that THEY are the source of our happiness. NO, we are purely responsible for that.

    • Eddie Corbano September 5, 2013 at 4:49 pm #

      I agree with you wholeheartedly, couldn’t have said it better.

      Thank you!

  15. LoveAddict December 10, 2013 at 6:50 pm #

    I am really really addicted to my ex… I feel almost the same way as maybe a heroin addict would feel for the drug. We were together a year and a half and have broken up before for 4 months but still talked, argued, and slept together the entire time. We eventually got back together and moved in together (stupid, I know).

    3 weeks later I found out he was dating someone else while we were broken up, but continued sleeping with her even after him and I got back together. I told myself and him it was done but I went right back with him. Thinking things would work out because he was so sorry and “never meant to hurt me”. He’s betrayed me a few times but never this extreme. Now he’s broken up with me again, but it’s more complicated because we live together. It’s been 3 weeks and he has not picked up his stuff or given back his keys. And every time he does come to the apartment “to pick up his stuff”, he never really does. We either argue, talk, or he comes while I’m at work and just hangs out! It’s driving me nuts!

    I want him out of my life, he is so so wrong for me, but I can’t seem to let go. I’m always tricked into thinking when he’s been nice for a bit and tells me he misses and loves me, that maybe he wants to get back together. I tell myself I’m going to go cold turkey and have NC but he either texts me or calls me and I give in. HELP ME 🙁 why can’t I let go? Why do I want things from him that I know he cannot give me? I know I deserve better but I can’t break the addiction… It’s as if im addicted to the pain and heartbreak and drama and putting myself out there only to get hurt again. I’m trying to cut him off but maybe I’m scared of him really not being there anymore.

    • Louloubella January 22, 2014 at 12:50 pm #

      LoveAddict, it is like we are talking about the EXACT same guy, i know exactly how you are feeling and this is the stage i am at right now.. as much as i tell myself to stay strong, getting a message or call from him i just give in!
      My ex moved out of ‘our’ house 4 months ago now, and he still hasnt given his key back and has this false sense of entitlement to the house and pops on over whenever he feels like it! I cannot move on knowing that any minute he will just come on over as ‘excuses’ and im sure just to check im not up to anything or ever forget about him..

      one thing i need to do is change the locks, so my house is MY house and he has no right coming over unannounced.. this has been toying with my emotions for a while now as i dont want to ‘hurt’ him to know i changed the locks… umm HELLO you hurt ME and im worried about YOUR feelings about a lock?! totally doesnt make sense but i know you understand how im feeling.. also i removed all photos of us together from around the house and redocorated to make it feel like ‘mine’ not ‘ours’..

      i have told my ex i need to have NC and he needs to let me go and find a life without him, and i cant do that if he keeps contacting me (or coming over).. he insists we can be friends, so he is really not getting the message.. we both live overseas, so neither of us are living in our home countries so that makes this process even worse.. i did contemplate moving home but im really not ready to do that, so i just need to be strong and keep up my affirmations that i release him back to the universe with love and light and let go of any chains to my past that will hold me back and allow new love to enter my life freely! Amen to that! work in progress x

      • LoveAddict January 22, 2014 at 7:54 pm #

        I’m so glad someone can relate so much to me!!! I am in the exact same position with him popping up or finding an excuse to come over. I can barely relax when/if I have someone over because of the anxiety of wondering when he’ll just show up. It drives me insane but still I can’t find the strength to change the locks either. Deep down I want to go back to what we had but I also know it may never get back to that. I love him and it’s so hard to move on with him still messaging or calling. I’ve done the NC thing and eventually started to stop obsessing over thoughts of him and then BOOM! I got a message and ended up right back to square one.

        I’ve learned that I have to let go of the hope for myself, for my own sanity. I totally agree with you on releasing him back into the universe with love and light. It’s such a hard process but it heals day by day. I still have my bad days where I think I can’t make it another hour without hearing from him or knowing what he’s doing, but it’s funny how one day you just wake up and you really start to feel ok again or you just push on.

        Work in process indeed. All the best to you, girl. Our new (and healthy) love is out there and will find us 🙂 xo

    • Alice December 20, 2014 at 6:01 pm #

      Dear Karel,

      Reading this about a year later – today is December 20th, 2014 – I wonder: How are you today?

      I so understand how you feel (or hopefully: felt) at that time!

  16. Karel Nelson January 2, 2014 at 10:11 pm #

    My situation is a little unique. I was married to my ex (divorce just started) for 16 years. He was the love of my life, my soul mate, and best friend. I left him twice during the last five years, but within a year I wanted him back. It was never the same. I moved to another country last spring and he continued to call me twice a day, asking me to come home. I let my new-found independence and pride stop me from even considering it. Then a few months ago, I invited him to come for Christmas. He instantly shut me down. I said, “What’s going on with you?” He then admitted he’d been seeing someone and has deep feelings for her. I was blind-sided. I spent the next six weeks crying, pleading, leaving phone messages, texts and emails asking him to take me back. Twice during the six weeks, he said he needed time to think. But both times, the end result was the same – he didn’t have the courage to tell me it was over. During this time I had a total meltdown and sunk into depression. On Christmas Eve I just wanted to die. I left messages on his voice-mail begging him to call me so I could just hear his voice. He called and talked to me until I was calm enough to go to sleep. I’ve sent him humiliating emails that I now re-read and can’t believe how I reduced myself to such groveling and lack of dignity.

    Last week I made myself start to accept that it’s totally over. I’ve tried the No Contact Rule several times and it’s too hard. I keep hoping that he misses talking to me and I constantly wonder how he’s doing, is he happy, does he think of me. Yesterday I emailed him to say that I’ve filled out the divorce application. He’s told me three times that he doesn’t want a divorce, but I’m convince it’s because that will be the total end of our relationship. He wants to keep me on the sidelines, for whatever reasons. He thoroughly enjoys being friends, but when he calls – he only talks about himself and his life. He never asks about mine. So I’ve determined that his calls are either sympathy calls (because he knows how much I’m still hurting) or because I know him better than anyone else and he’s comfortable venting or just chatting. But I always end up feeling worse after his calls, because they give me hope that he still cares. Then when he doesn’t call for a day or two, it’s torture and I feel like I’ll explode with pain if I can’t talk to him. It truly is like a roller-coaster and I need to get off.

    So I’m trying the NCR again this week. The first two times I tried it, I ticked off the days on the calendar – just to validate that I was doing better (2 days, 3 days, a week). But this time I won’t do that. I started the NCR on January 1st – the start of the New Year – and hopefully the start of healing my excruciating, debilitating pain.

    Thanks for listening.

    • Alice December 20, 2014 at 6:01 pm #

      Dear Karel,

      Reading this about a year later – today is December 20th, 2014 – I wonder: How are you today?

      I so understand how you feel (or hopefully: felt) at time!

  17. aly January 20, 2014 at 9:25 am #

    My boyfriend and 17 year-old son don’t get a long yet i continue to still date him. want to break up. was going to didn’t. see him everyday almost unless i have to work late. but then make up for it the next time i see him because then i stay at hid house twice as long. his brother just died. of cancer and nemorials tomorrow . his mom said it would kill him if i broke his heart. .
    Lilterly because he isn’t in good health and he’st 53

  18. aly January 20, 2014 at 9:39 am #

    Cout. And his mom lives with him and now he is her only living son. i leave my son at home alone. fir hours just to be with this man and i know its because i like thefeeling and attitude gives me making feel good about myself eventh pugh he don’t likr ny. sonth pugh my 17year old . he dont like my son.
    Don’t know how to break up or break the addiction to him because if don’t see him
    or hear from him i half to get my berry fix.
    Either way i am going to hold on to s lot of guilt and hurt if ivstay or go .
    its hard because i love both of them

    i don’t want this to destroy him or my son

    • Douglas February 10, 2014 at 7:10 pm #

      I have been experiencing an emotional hell ever since my ex ended our relationship. It was a two-year relationship she ended with a text. I was literally in shock, like I had been hit by a train. How could this woman who I thought I loved be so cruel and cold to me? Yes, I did things in the relationship that weren’t cool to her but..whatever, I felt like it was such an attack against me as a man. After that text, she would completely and totally ignore me like I had never meant one thing to her. I tried no contact several times, going as long as 100 days, but I always ended up trying to contact her again. I just wanted to talk things through, so I could make some sense out of what happened. I’m embarassed to admit I literally begged her to talk to me but she still refused to respond.
      Here, I should explain that I suffer from mental illness which just makes it all so much more horrible. I’m crying now because the pain is so unbearable, sometimes I just want to die, to end my suffering. I feel suicidal pretty much daily. Not to worry, I have been working really hard with a therapist. I take my meds correctly and follow my therapist’s instructions except to have no contact. I don’t really want to die, I just don’t want to live with this pain anymore.
      I’m very much addicted to this person, or actually to the person I thought she was, even though she has clearly demonstrated she is not that person.
      It has been almost two years and I feel pretty much the same as when it happened. I feel like I will never get through this. I feel like just one kind word from her would help me so much, like a thirsty man in the desert, throat parched and dry, and she stands there with a bottle of water but she refuses to give me anything.
      Sometimes I wonder why she treats me this badly when she knows I have emotional problems like I do. I mean, I don’t expect her to take care of me emotionally, but good god, does she have to act like Satan?
      I just feel so angry at her for that, for the cruelty of it all. I don’t deserve to be treated like that by her. I have tried so hard, but I just can’t do it. I can’t let go because it feels like my inner spirit has been attacked and I am in danger and instead of flight, I go for fight. Fighting–the ultimate non-acceptance.
      I facebook-troll her constantly just trying to see if there might be one little morsel I might be able to get from her, knowing it’s never going to happen but somehow always convincing myself there is a chance. Like I said, I feel like my soul is burning in hell.
      Thanks for listening.

  19. Jiya June 21, 2014 at 7:49 pm #

    It actually feels better to know that i am not the only one sailing in the boat of rejection and betrayal !

    Its like almost 1.5 years now that am married to a guy who meets all the requirements of my prince charming. I was in a relationship for about 4 years with a guy, for whom i actually compromised beyond i expected out of me. He always did and forced things on me. no matter what. what he wanted he did and got it done. if he realised i didn’t like it, he would say sorry, do some drama and get away with it. I use to forgive thinking one day he would mature up and mean his sorry. but with time his sorry lost the meaning and he made it a norm. he never wanted to be alone and since i was always there, i guess he kinda took me for granted. he would blame me for having fun at his cost. but wen it came on him… he said clearly he cant give up on his friends. he joined a b school, the same which he once told me was not good. and i blindly followed him to reject hte admission in it. he met a girl there and fell for him. and then came all the blames on me, i was rude, i never cared, i never acknowledged his feelings and bla blah stuff. with some family tragedies at my side, i expected him to stand by and prove that he is my man and take up the opportunity to prove the world his love was true. he didnt. coz he was blind after his happiness and success and glamorous life at a b school. after a torture filled year of break up with lies and hiding the truth.. i moved on and settled for an arrange marriage. all that while when i was looking for the perfect guy, i was clear no matter what i cannot stay with this guy ever. but i cared for him and wanted to make sure he is fine. he hid stuff that he is dating that female. but yes he told me lies that he drinks alone, doesnt tlak much with her, he is guitly, he misses me, he cannot see me sad and such stuff as if he is hell guilty. his words never matched his actions and his lies were crossing all the limits.

    he couldn’t be friends as he was never honest. he always told me that female knows everything and we don;t talk about past and he did thing s unintentionally he misses me and wishes to be with me, but he cannot leave that female . he lies and till today he lies.

    a year and a half to my marriage with this beautiful human being… still i feel addicted and depressed at times. i talk to that jerk, he still tells me same stuff.. he misses me.. he has my stuff.. it doesn’t feel the same with that female, he wishes to be with me… its a stagnant graph with her… but he cannot leave her . i fail to understand what he wants to tell and show to me???

    i know i should not contact him, but he leaves me confused as to what is going on his life. all pictures and that female tells they r happy they r getting married.. but why he tells me he is numb and lost and doesn’t care about things going around him. he misses me, he doesnt feel the same. he cannot give my place to anyone else. and that female is more of a friend and has a different place. what is it with this man??? i dont understand.

    can anyone help me out. he is a cheat and a liar… y still lie if living a happy life even after i have told him it doesnt hurt to hear the truth but to figure out the lie is more painful. why would any gy do so ???

    he was selfish all the while by putting restricitons on me and when i put them back.. he ran away… wen i gave him stress he ran away with an excuse he was carried away by glamour of b school. didnt i ever wanted to live ?? he also says , infact both of them say that he values my efforts and sacrifices and i have played a very imp role in his life as to what he is todya…. den y r they together?? n if they r.. y is he numb and lost???

    i just cant figure out

  20. Erica July 3, 2014 at 10:52 pm #

    I’m so sad and heartbroken about my breakup. It’s been over 30 days and I’m barely functioning. To top it off I lost my job bc I was do distracted. We met online 8 months ago and we had so much in common on text we decided to meet up. The chemistry was amazing and he would send me the nicest most romantic texts, we talked for hours, took trips and met each other’s families. Suddenly, after being so romantic, he didn’t get me a card or gift on my bday. felt so bad I booked a weekend away w my friends to cheer myself up- that made him more angry. We got in a misunderstanding over a text while I was away and he ignored me for days. He pretty much did a 180 and stopped making plans w me and wouldn’t talk on the phone w me. I mentioned things had changed and he said if I want a break we can take one..2 weeks later he brought my stuff after I texted him twice for it. We talked for 4 hours and he said he wanted to work it out and he was changing his schedule for us. Again he was making no plans w me, only texted good night or good morning, and would hardly speak on the phone. If I said I missed him he would say I absolutely miss you so much and can’t wait to see u but would still make no plan. I finally gave up and said this isn’t right…he agreed and said he wanted it to work but oh well..I said bye and that was it and this all happened on text! How could someone go from saying I was incredible and what his life was missing, say he saw us getting married and having kids to barley seeing me? I feel like a fool! I trusted him & was so patient and giving. He didn’t need yo change his life, I just wanted a phone call. Where did the man I met go? I wonder if he’s mentally ill, like a narscicist or bpd. I’m can’t trust my judgement I feel so gullible and discarded. I needs to know how he feels and wonder what he thinks. I can’t eat, sleep, I’m beyond depressed. Help! 🙁

  21. NB July 5, 2014 at 4:48 pm #

    Hi everyone,

    I read this page a few times knowing that i’m also in this kind of situation so i decided to write my thoughts here. And yes, i’m seriously addicted to my ex gf and i’m also aware that i have codependency issues. She broke up with me on late mar and we were like talking to each other and hanging out tgt at times for 2 months after the breakup. It was only until june then i started no contact. During this period, the pain is excruciating that i suffered from adjustment disorder and depression, it requires so much discipline and determination not to stalk her social media. However, at times, i really miss her a lot until i stalk her profile even when i’m aware that i shouldn’t do it. It’s so tiring that i want to get out of this fast as it has affected every aspect of my life and the depression/anxiety it causes is unbearable.

  22. Ashley July 30, 2014 at 5:49 pm #

    I think I am addicted to my ex but I am the one who broke it off with him. I had been dating him for about 7 in a half months. We made some bad decisions and I found myself having to lie to my family a lot and sneak around with him. All we ever did when we hung out was physical stuff. After I broken up with him I got rid of all of his stuff and gave him back everything, a week later I was in a another relationship with a different guy that I have now been dating for 9months.. He’s made so happy but recently I think it just hit me that I still love my ex.. I’m afraid.. I feel like I can change him if I talk to him but everyone tells me otherwise. I know going back is bad but I can’t stop thinking about it. I told my boyfriend now about the thoughts and feelings I have and he tells me that he feels like I’m playing mind games with myself. He said he loves me and he feels like I am the one for him but I’m not sure if I feel the same but I don’t want to let him go either.. I have always been in relationships, I hardly ever give myself any time and I think that May be my biggest problem but I’m afraid that I will never get over my ex.. I don’t want to hurt my current boyfriend but I feel like I might have too.. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep… I would really like some advice.. Thank you..

  23. Mackie November 8, 2014 at 11:15 pm #

    What a great site. Hearing stories with a common thread and mine is just the same, no need to repeat it now. So refreshing, enlightening and empowering to gain more insight with other peoples stories. Why is it that one love is soooo difficult to let go of? I have been on a rollercoaster ride and with it lost common sense…. pride etc….trying anything to make a relationship work. I am so grateful this page offers no marketing on “How to get your ex back” which I have done and could probably do again tomorrow, but I wouldn’t be being true to myself or even happy if I did get him back. The key is not getting him back. The key is developing me and getting away from this addiction I have to him. I know deep down I truly deserve better and we just weren’t a good fit. In a toxic, unbalanced relationship you bring out the worst in each other and I became a needy person I didnt like or recognize. He wasn’t right for me….. but it never stopped me wanting him! No Contact is the key I think and making OUR lives the best they can be and then allowing someone who deserves to be with US in a balanced, healthy and communicative relationship to come into our lives. Thank you for all your posts, they have given me a sense of strength in this turning point in my life. One day at a time and hopefully we all with learn, heal and grow, into becoming healthy partners in future healthy relationships when the time is right. Remembering that time does heal. NC again Day 3.

  24. Sean January 21, 2015 at 5:34 pm #

    I absolutely believe I am addicted to my ex. Conscioulsy I know that she is no good for me. I know that our lifestules are incompatible and I know that I don’t really want to be with her anymore. Her behavior during this break up has left me wondering exactly who this person is. In 6 weeks I don’t recognize her in the least. She is not the woman I came to love 7 years ago and continued to love right up to her sudden split with me. Regardless of me not wanting her back, I can’t help but feel that I want her to want to come back. If that makes sense. If I could just get her to say she wants to work things out, I think I would feel better. I’m not sure that I actually would. And there lies the problem. In my head I want the relationship to end. I know it’s run its course. In my heart I am longing for her to fight for our relationship like I believed she would have in the past. I have the heightened Cortisol and Adrenelin surging through my body all day and it usually subsides in the late afternoon. I usually go to the gym after work and run on the treadmill for 1/2 an hour. I have no problems falling asleep but find myself waking 4 hours after with heightened anxiety. If Im lucky I can fall back asleep within an hour but I usually spend that time awake thinking of the good times. Seeing her smiling face or hearing her tell me in her voice, “I love you Baby Bear”. I’m left wondering how long this pain will last. I have unfriended her on Facebook. I deleted her number from my phone. I wiped all text convos and deleted every sweet voicemail message. I saved all photos to an external hard drive and deleted them from my computer and I have vowed not to speak to her again. I am just now starting day 2 of No Contact. It’s going to be a long path to recovery.

  25. Marion February 3, 2015 at 7:19 pm #

    This site is so inspirational! It’s only been three days since he’s left and I’m struggling with the Acceptance stage of the break up process. I am utilizing the 1 week to do what I feel I have to do approach. After six years, it’s now obvious that we shouldn’t be together. We’ve already split up and got back together twice before. Both times we fell back into the same old routine. It’s hard because he still has most of his stuff here. I’m trying to move it all down to a spare room that I rarely use and go into. He’s moving 1200 miles away in April and he really has no place to keep his stuff until he leaves. He’s staying on a friends sofa for the time being and Money is tight for him trying to save up for the move, that he can’t afford storage. I personally think once he moves it will be easier, but right now I’m miserable. How the check can I start the no contact rule if at some point he’ll be back to get his stuff. I wish an anger stage would start, so I would have the heart to tell him I don’t care where he puts it, but it can’t stay here. Wish me luck as this is definitely going to be a bumpy ride.

  26. Sarah February 6, 2015 at 8:43 am #

    Hi,
    I need your advice desperately. I broke up with the guy I had been dating for over 4 months. He seemed he was very serious about me. He texted me day and night, said Good morning , Good night and asked my day. He initiated to make plans. I had never had a boyfriend before and he asked me why .Then I told him i didnt want to be attached. Honestly I regretted that later. He asked me to be his girlfriend after one month dating by saying that he wanted to get married soon. He asked me to think it over about it. He was my first man whom I was very close and attached. We hung out, made fun, tried new things but no sex and passionate kisses apart from peek kisses on lips from him cos he knew I am a virgin and I even have not kissed anyone passionately. I am an Asian in early 30s and He is a Caucasian ,35 year old. We seemed very into each other. We tried to meet twice or three times a week. he was really nice to me . Everybody said we seem like a couple (hugs, cuddles and sweet things…) even in public.
    He talked about having kids and asked me about it. I said I dont want kid now unless I was with the man I love most. sometimes he asked me about marriage and I said I prefer being stay single until i find my right man regardless of my age cos he said I am old enough to get married. that time I just focus on happiness, not want to go for relationship or marriage so soon. He visited my country with his friends and he texted me day and night and sent some pics. I was really happy that time. but he never said he missed me. After his trip, we met for dinner and I said him first I missed him while he hugged me so tight and long and said he missed me everyday. After that time, he just texted me, did not ask me out for almost 10 days .but sitll texting and i just mirror him and take it easy. One saturday , he said he wanted to see me tomr. I had a class and asked him to pick me up there . He agreed and I remembered it was our 100th day dating. He took me to restaurant and we made dinner and i let him know it was 100th we had been seeing. And he looked like he did not want to lose me and hugged me so tight the whole time. He talked a lot about having kid after marriage that time .I was about to go back my country after exam to see my parents that time. When he said he is going back to his country for x’mas and My face was like so small and he said öh no, come with me to his country.”I just smiled and felt so happy. After that, we still met during weekend and he helped me to study for exam in cafe shop. He was very caring and kind man though. we went for a movie and made dinner and he told me that he liked me so much. we had not had any title until that time. Two days later on my birthday, he made me surprised by taking to the concert i want to see deadly and said Happy birthday in my language. I made him surprised by writing down on the card that i want to be his girlfriend what he asked me to think over. He did not seem too happy. just normal and he hugged me and said good to hear that I was not taking too long to think it over. I kissed him on that day and he said just thank you. After we did not see for one week and we met at coffee shop again. he looked unhappy and i asked him why. He said very tired. he did not treat me like his girlfriend and when i asked to go for shopping to buy things before going back to my country. he said guys are not good at shopping. he was not like that before. he used to go with me for shopping almost the whole day.He really let me down and i asked him whether he would send me to airport or not. he just asked the time of the flight. After that We did not see and i just gave him space and never nag or text him a lot , just mirror him. But no more flirt texts from him later. just causal texts. on the day i left for my country, he texted me good morning and asked what i was doing. It really made me get angry and i ironically responded and he replied like a jerk that i am in city area , if you were there we can meet. then we can do when you get back here. He did not ask me about my trip, and I really got angry and replied him “ÿou are so sweet. I wanna see you too. where i gonna come to meet you for a coffee”. Then he replied he was going home ( he stays near by my place) and we could do around there. i didnt respond him and expected him to call me but no calls instead , he texted he was going home, though I were having a nap ,he would do the same. going to a barbecue party later.” My angry was on the top and cried so loud. and i did not respond him. he could see i had seen his texts cos it is whatapps. i didnot use my mobile during my stay with parents and when i was back , i was really sad he texted me just two : one was have a good flight and the other was “Hello?”. It really made me sick. i did not respond his texts for two days and i missed him so much. then I initiated text him that have you missed me ? i miss you. He replied “Hey, “welcome back how was your trip? i just replied ok. so sad. 🙁 he did not say he missed me. i got a hint. but he still texting me gmoring, gnight, sometimes off to dinner with colleagues.., I responded sometimes. I could not stand anymore. when he was still texting but never asked me out to meet after we did not see for 3 weeks. then one saturday night, i initiated him to go out for dinner before he flew back to hi country. he replied my text at late night. and said “Maybe we can do a lunch or coffee instead , gnight for now” morning i replied him Ök, 4.30 pm for coffee”. Then he replied me “That is good for me and i have to tell you something”. Honestly i feel panic because i got a sense that he has been seeing and living together with the other woman. Then i insisted him to tell me that sth by text or call. and said if it is going to be a bad news, we better dont meet. then he replied long text and said ‘” you are a nice….lady and a good person…I have been recently talking with my ex and she was my real first love and we want to give another shoot and I want to try with her again. I did enjoy spending time with you…… “ it made me really pain but I replied him “thanks for telling me honestly and wish all the best”. he replied me “thanks all the best to you too”. we ended up. i blocked his number first and now i unblock it. i don’t text him. But it makes me really hurt. It was my first time. I dont want to get hurt anymore. I can’t believe that he changed suddenly. He never talked about his ex during those 4 months dating. I got hear broken. Sometimes I am hoping that he would come back to me. i know that is crazy. 🙁 I didnot try to contact him. he even did not say “Happy new year”or “X ‘mas ” wishes. I did go for over 1 months No contact with him until i saw him accidentally (He did not see me) . I missed him deadly .(P.S we met from online dating site) and i checked that dating site again where i hided my profile after i decided to be his gf. but i still could check he is online or not without knowing him.Sadly he is active online almost everyday. then last week, i initiated texting him and kept conversation simple like telling him i am excited about my coming exam result out. he took a few hrs to rely my texts and after a few topics we stopped conversation again and no text from him at all.Last sunday i bumped into him on the train and i said hello to him. we talked about our jobs. and sometimes he was making jokes. And he sounded like still caring me. i told him after gym, i m gonna watch movie …. it is a thriller movie like the movie last time we watched together.asked him he remembered the movie name or not. he straightly said the movie name correctly.And late he asked me about my exam result and then i said next sunday it is coming out and if the result is what we expected , then we should celebrate .he said “OK”. He alighted the one station before me and he said “dont work out so hard” coz i was on the way to the gym .and he used to tell that when we were together becoz he knew my knee got hurt long ago and cant work out v hard. He did not text me at all after accidentally bumped into each other . then next day (Yesterday) , i initiated texting him again and saying “Hey, the movie “the boy next day is really good like Gone Girl , I bet you would like it too. should go and watch it. ;)” Then he read my msg in whatasspp and took long hours to reply me just saying ” I liked that movie. thanks for the tip 🙂 ” and I replied later “that is my pleasure 🙂 ”
    And he never texts me anymore. Know i realized that i should not hold on it. I must move on. i removed him from my contact list and Dose he lose interested in me at all, right? I do not have any hope he is coming back to me? Sorry for long story. Did I do anything wrong? Did I get used when he was lonely? I liked him a lot. I really appreciate for your advice in advance .

  27. Cynthia February 19, 2015 at 8:56 pm #

    I stumbled on this site and I must say it has really opened my eyes and I’m clearly seeing what I shouldn’t be doing and what I should be doing. My ex broke up with me five months ago after almost two years of dating.. And not because of cheating or anything like that. It absolutely broke me because I was not expecting it, then to make it worse he started seeing someone else. We fought a lot because on my end I felt our relationship was worth saving but it only made him more distant. So I moved out in a bid to start afresh.. But I am honestly addicted to him. Always wanting to know what he’s up to, how his love life is, facebook stalking.. I am not over him, and I had one of those days where I was hurting so much and I was missing him.. So I made the biggest mistake and called him and told him all that.. How seeing him move on hurts me, and whether he still cares etc. The minute I was done I felt so stupid for doing that.. Because it was like confirming to him he made he right choice to break up with me, and I felt like he saw me as pretty dumb and clingy for doing that. Any advice from anyone on how I should handle that. I am establishing the no contact rule again, and no stalking, as hard as it may be not to do it. I feel so bad for calling him and telling him all those things and how I still feel about him. I appreciate any advice. Thank you in advance.

  28. Rob March 7, 2015 at 11:31 pm #

    Hi Cynthia, I hope this past month has given you more strength and you have stayed with the no contact! If there is one thing I’ve learned in my 39 years is that if it is meant to be it will come around again. Time not only heals all wounds but it also erases any memory of contacts gone wrong! It just takes a little longer to clear it up. I am going through it myself again. I have had five major, heart wrenching break ups in my life, and all the relationships were over two years long. I wish i could say it gets easier but the fact is it doesn’t. It’s almost like concussions, they get worse with each one. That being said, eight years after my fiancé got cold feet and took off, she is ringing my phone off the hook! It helps a little as I am going through a tough circumstantial break up, but my feeling for her is muted after so long. I broke up with a girl two months ago and it is still killing me! I’ve been no contact for three weeks now and it is very tough! Know it for that and accept that reality. You will get through this! You have to hang in there and stay busy!

  29. Stephan May 27, 2015 at 12:23 am #

    I am on day 6 NC. just came out of 2 1/2 year relationship. I gave to much of myself so im working to become me again and build on that. Sometimes I feel really down but it has become sooo much better comperd to a week ago. No Contact will probably be the thing that gets most of us through these confusing times. You have to deal with your own thoughts and grow on your own. The Ex disrupts all the progress. This website is awesome!!!

  30. Nicole July 5, 2015 at 8:18 am #

    I’m addicted to my ex. We have a 3 yrold and I need some advice regarding the no contact rule. We’ve been broken up and got back together over 10 times. I know he is no right for me and he made me very unhappy. How do I break the cycle. It’s been 4 wks since the break up and I’ve been good until now…I’m feeling the withdrawals.

    Please help.

  31. Mackie July 8, 2015 at 1:14 am #

    After being no contact with my ex for at least 6 months now, I can only confirm it does get easier. I will no longer chase or contact someone who doesn’t reciprocate my feelings or treat me well. This time alone has made me grow dramatically as an individual. I am now much happier and content in my own company and I have with a full life with or without a man. This time alone has been wonderful for my personal growth and rebuilding my self esteem. I have made myself get out and experience things as a single woman and also spent more time with my family and friends. I will no doubt have another relationship in the future but though I have been on the occasional date I find myself more selective than in the past, and this is a reflection of my improved self esteem and self worth. Believe me time does heal, trust that you will get over this person. Its a big world out there with so many wonderful new opportunities and memories to create once you start letting go of your obsession with your ex. Stay strong, try to resist impulsive behavior, and yes I still think of him on occasion, but it is over and I now live my life with that reality. Nicole sharing a child with an ex is difficult and hopefully the forum will provide you with advice on this. My only comment is that with a child you still need to get out and create a life, there are many community opportunities to meet new people and people like you in a supportive and friendly environment. I joined meetup (in most countries I believe) some time ago, many free activities and groups to suit everyones needs including single parents. Getting through our obsession requires a great deal of work from ourselves… but it is made so much easier by having people around us either to talk to or just to laugh and go on adventures with.
    Stay strong Nicole….you can do it. Stephan, you sound like you are on the right track too…..yes this website is awesome….we are not alone 🙂

  32. Russ July 20, 2015 at 12:58 am #

    So glad I am not alone in this world. Seperated from wife 6 weeks ago, just filed for divorce.
    I met my wife when I was 18, and a loner, dying for a girlfriend. She was older, 25, latina, and actually was interested in me, so I latched on uncontrollably. She had a baby from a previous marriage. Wasn’t even divorced yet, left ex 3 months earlier. By third date it was physical. After a few months, i moved in her place. A year later got a bigger place, had my son when I was 20 and got married. I am 32 now, married 12 years. I am finally realizing that our whole marriage was me in a love obsession. I was obsessed with her, she was more in control, decisions required her approval, i was like a puppy. She had some traits of a ‘professional victim’. The first 5 years, she was very insecure, jelouse, and bossy. The last few years were bad. I knew I wasn’t completely happy, but just comfortable with my ‘safe zone’. We seperated 2 years ago while I still stayed in the house. i flipped out 4 days into it. Went nuts, and after a month of hell, and me being manipulative at times, she took me back, stating that it was only for the kids. I would let her walk in me, I didn’t care. I needed my ‘mommy’. Didn’t realize it at the time. The last 2 years were stressful. I worked alot, and she was hard to please. She was stressed with alot as well and when I got home from work, feeling alittle depressed, it was a stressful environment. My step son is 15, and autistic. Her fights with the school districs had her stressed and depressed. 2 months ago, i was convinced that her idea (again) of a seperation was a good one, i was so fed up with her. 6 weeks ago, I left, and again, I went crazy again. She alienated me this time, blocked me out, and i was devistated mentally. Took valium then was prescribed celexa, and go to therapy. 2 weeks into the seperation, i am finding out about a ‘friend’ who is hanging out alot. That made it 10x worse. He is helping finish the basement, which i started before i left. Now he is around all the time, goes places with her and the kids. When I have both kids in weekend, he is either there very late or sleeps there. Kids say he sleeps in basement after working there late during the week, who knows. I may just be parinoid. Now I feel like a child, crashing at my mothers, Find it hard to function as an adult, especially with the kids. If i am not out with them spending money, going to cool places, i feel like a bad father. Like I need her to do things. I am obsessed and feel i will never be whole, self sufficient, and will be broken for a long time. If it really wasn’t love, just obsession, will I get over it quick if I find someone else who treates me better? I have a hard time meeting people.

  33. Camila September 30, 2015 at 6:30 am #

    I know that i am addicted to my ex. We were in a four year relationship and during the last year I learned to depend too much on him and that is probably what made me unattractive and the reason for our break up. Now a month and a week into the break up and I still cannot seem to be even moving forward. I creep on his social media at least once a day and I have tried everything. I tried giving all my passwords to a trusted friend so that I could no access my twitter but still i found a way to see what he is posting. He is currently posting about another girl, and he seems to be really falling for her and I think that is what is killing me. We were so in love and now a month later he has these feelings for someone else. The news of him having someone new have set me back so far and I feel like it is the first week of the break up again and I cannot stop myself form thinking about him every second of every day. I want him back i really do but who would want to be with someone like me who does not even have enough self love to let someone go. I dont know what to do to focus on myself and better myself.

  34. Bhavya November 7, 2015 at 6:23 am #

    I was a girl who never believed in relationship. But just 3.5 months ago I went in a relationship with a guy whom I knew from last 2 years. He was sort of my best friend. We used to chat for hours. When he asked me out, I simply couldn’t reject.
    Relationship went well for 3.5 months… though it was a long distance relationship.
    And suddenly one day his ex met an accident and after seeing her he asked me to breakup.
    He said- he still feels for his ex gf and he can’t hurt me, so the right thing for us is to breakup.
    His ex is also dating someone else, and she was the one who had dumped him earlier.

    Now I’m not getting over him & moreover I want to help him too.
    I am not in contact with him from last 4 days and now I have a very strong urge to contact him. I have no friends with whom i can share what I’m going through.

  35. Jennifer November 9, 2015 at 5:35 pm #

    My (long distance) boyfriend broke up with me a week and two days ago, one week short of a having been together for a year. He told me that he still loves me, but that the relationship isn’t sustainable for either of us. After breaking up with me (in person), his personality went immediate cold. He wanted me gone, right away, and would not (and still will not) discuss it. He was literally yelling at me to leave…it was horrible.

    The relationship had always been long distance…we had known each other from middle school, and reconnected in our 40’s after finding ourselves in a similar situation (both divorced with one daughter.) Our relationship had a lot of challenges beyond just distance…his ex-wife has borderline personality disorder, and her behavior upon finding out he was in a serious relationship was reflective of her condition.

    Lots more to this, and too much to type here, but lots and lots of issues that would have made it ridiculously hard for us to be together without both of us needing to make a ton of compromises that might or might not have killed things anyway,

    All that said, this is my reason for posting here: Though we obviously didn’t see each other on a daily basis, the talking, FaceTiming, and texting was constant. Between Sept 2014 and last week, there were only 5 days that we did not talk at all. I find that I am suffering from withdrawal. I know his entire schedule as well as my own, and sitting in silence each morning at the time he would normally call makes me feel as if I’m literally suffocating. In order to get my “fix,” I’ve done something in the past week that I’m not proud of. I’ve continued to text him almost as if nothing has changed. He’s responded a lot of the time, but in short, non-committal answers. And when I wasn’t getting a response, I fabricated a story that I knew would get a response (and in fact, also yielded a phone call and a FaceTime call.) I managed to stretch that out over 3 days, but it has now run it’s course. Today, I’ve forced myself not to text him…but feeling exhausted and horrible as a result.

  36. Laura February 21, 2016 at 9:18 pm #

    Mine is worst, I am married but still sexually addicted to my Ex boyfriend and i don’t think I will ever stop loving him.I feel so empty without him ,like I’m gonna die without him . He’s my first love and he’s like drug to my soul

    • Lovestolove May 18, 2016 at 2:48 pm #

      It passes and gets better, slowly. My ex was my first true and recently we tried having sex again and both found it very awkward but still went on to do it. We’ve been broken up 3 times in a course of 10 years. And our recent brake up has been since Oct 2015.
      It’s been two weeks since that awkward moment and I don’t feel the urge to do it again, which makes me feel sad in a way bcos he and I must be slowly moving on. I still love him very much, I still wonder if he thinks of me and still loves me the same. EVERY DAY I still think of him and wishes he would message. We usually do message each other everyday but the last two days he has been distant. So i just wanted to say, you this will pass.. Unfortunately time is our healer. All the best <3

    • Lovestolove May 18, 2016 at 2:52 pm #

      Sorry Laura. I read your message wrong lol. Sorry I don’t mean to laugh I’m laughing at myself.
      That must be difficult situation. All I can say is be true to your husband, you obviously married him for good reasons. Try appreciate him and the love making you get from him and decide to move on from your ex, making a conscious decision can be the first step. Xx

  37. Naren April 14, 2016 at 6:43 pm #

    Eddie

    Thank you. I am the latest victim of that addiction. Guess what. It came back after 27 years !! yes 27. She reached out to me on Facebook, I just wanted to see how she was doing and couple of days in texts and calls I was immediately hooked. I told my wife about this who clearly wasn’t happy. In few weeks she thought I was in love again with her, an emotional attachment and wanted to help me overcome this by keeping patience. She was even willing to let me talk to her on weekends and to the extent remove the restrictions entirely. I wasn’t having an affair, something told me this wasn’t love (because I love my wife), physical or sexual attraction . BTW she is on the other side of the world and have not seen her or had any desire to see or even meet her. Very strange situation indeed. Scoured the net for answers for weeks to resolve this UNTIL I googled “addicted to ex”. I found this site. As I smoke so I know what a craving is. I got irritated at home if I did not get my fix (ie talk to her). Since my wife has no addictions she had no clue what a craving is. So I read the page above and was shocked I was a text book case here Every line made sense and was accurate as I could relate to that. I immediately let my wife know about this. She agreed with my symptoms. It was like I needed both (wife and ex). Anyway I plan to get my detox started ASAP. Still baffled ” after 27 years….”

    • Eddie Corbano April 14, 2016 at 7:31 pm #

      You are not alone … this happens more often than you would think.

      Hang in there!

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