Break Up and Divorce Signs That You May Be Addicted To Your Ex

Signs That You May Be Addicted To Your Ex

Sometimes when experiencing a breakup, it feels like you were completely and utterly NOT prepared for what hit you.

It might not only be the fact that it may have come out of the blue for you, but also this undeniable truth of LOSS that is so hard to handle with the things you've learned so far in life.

Many of you will have experiences already with forms of loss in your lives, but have they prepared you for the one you are suffering from now?

The one thing I'm sure nobody prepared you for is the fact that you may be addicted to your Ex.

What does it really mean to be addicted to your Ex?

Addiction is per definition:

“A persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful, characterized by well-defined physiological, (here psychological), symptoms upon withdrawal.”

In our case – whether we acknowledge that or not – the harmful substance is our Ex.

And there's precisely the rub.

That we successfully ignore and refuse to believe that our Ex is harmful to us and our healing process.

In your recovery, the problem can never be the solution simultaneously. Click to Tweet

But this is where we lie to ourselves, believing and hoping that our Ex is the way out of our suffering.

Still thinking about your Ex? Click here to take the test to learn how long it takes to heal... and how you can speed up the process.

Unfortunately, this is so far from the truth.

(MORE: 7 Reasons Why You Should NOT Want Your Ex Back)

So what the hell happened to us?

A study published in the Journal of Neurophysiology reveals that romantic rejection triggers the same areas of the brain as an addiction.

Researchers used modern diagnostic tools to record the brain activity of participants in a study who had gone through a break-up recently. The participants described themselves as “absolutely and very intensely in love.”

The results of the study were clear and somewhat disturbing.

“The evidence is clear that the passion of romantic love is a goal-oriented motivation state, not a specific emotion. There's a whole pathway that when you are rejected becomes activated just as it does with nicotine cravings or alcohol. These areas are associated with physical pain and decision-making. If you've been rejected, you're in pain, craving this person, trying to figure out what's going on. You crave the person who dumped you, you go through withdrawal, you can relapse, and cravings can be sparked months after you think you've gotten over it.” (Researcher Helen E. Fisher, source).

What this actually means, non-scientifically speaking, is that you've associated your Ex's love with pleasure and happiness. This got wired into your brain, and now you are convinced there is NO happiness without your Ex.

I understand how that happens. I've been there.

That is why we stalk, (especially “Facebook-Stalk”), harass and terrorize our Ex. We desperately want the drug, so we can be happy again.

I remember vividly how that felt back then. This gut-wrenching feeling that there is a hole in your soul that cannot be filled … yet you try and try.

How To Break the Ex-Addiction

What you have to do is to rewire your brain.

This means that step-by-step, you have to disassociate your Ex from the notion of security, happiness, and fulfillment.

“Your Ex is NOT responsible for your happiness,” so my distant relative told me many years ago, and my recovery exploded.

Don't try to ignore or shut off your emotions, because you can't. Accept them as a part of your Ex-Withdrawal, as part of your recovery.

You MUST go through the pain; it's one of the most important aspects of your healing.

Of course, to break the Ex-Addiction, you must follow the No-Contact Rule. This is absolutely essential.

You can't withdraw from a drug by consuming the drug. It's simply not possible.

With time, dedication and discipline you slowly shift your focus from your Ex to yourself.

Because the biggest benefit of your recovery is the self-knowledge that you gain. Finding out who you really are.

And this knowledge – if done right – will enable you to enter future relationships:

  1. in a more confident and stronger way
  2. making sure your needs are met
  3. eliminating all the partners that are bad for you beforehand
  4. attracting only the ones that are good for you
  5. bullet-proofing your heart from future break-up

This has been my mission to help you with since 2005, (in my coaching and in my home-study version the ExDetoxSystem).

I want you to recognize the opportunity this insanity has. I want you to acknowledge that your Ex isn't the solution and that getting them back won't heal you.

I want you to WANT to get better in every possible way.

If you look at me, this break-up was the best thing that happened to me. I excelled in every aspect once I realized the potential that lied in this opportunity.

If you knew me back then, you wouldn't recognize me now.

I want for you to go through the same process I went through, and come out of it as confident and strong as I did.

Is your Ex-Addiction treatable?

Absolutely.

But you have to WANT it, and you have to TAKE the right steps.

What do YOU think? Are you addicted to your Ex? Please share in the comment section below.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

  • I’m so sad and heartbroken about my breakup. It’s been over 30 days and I’m barely functioning. To top it off I lost my job bc I was do distracted. We met online 8 months ago and we had so much in common on text we decided to meet up. The chemistry was amazing and he would send me the nicest most romantic texts, we talked for hours, took trips and met each other’s families. Suddenly, after being so romantic, he didn’t get me a card or gift on my bday. felt so bad I booked a weekend away w my friends to cheer myself up- that made him more angry. We got in a misunderstanding over a text while I was away and he ignored me for days. He pretty much did a 180 and stopped making plans w me and wouldn’t talk on the phone w me. I mentioned things had changed and he said if I want a break we can take one..2 weeks later he brought my stuff after I texted him twice for it. We talked for 4 hours and he said he wanted to work it out and he was changing his schedule for us. Again he was making no plans w me, only texted good night or good morning, and would hardly speak on the phone. If I said I missed him he would say I absolutely miss you so much and can’t wait to see u but would still make no plan. I finally gave up and said this isn’t right…he agreed and said he wanted it to work but oh well..I said bye and that was it and this all happened on text! How could someone go from saying I was incredible and what his life was missing, say he saw us getting married and having kids to barley seeing me? I feel like a fool! I trusted him & was so patient and giving. He didn’t need yo change his life, I just wanted a phone call. Where did the man I met go? I wonder if he’s mentally ill, like a narscicist or bpd. I’m can’t trust my judgement I feel so gullible and discarded. I needs to know how he feels and wonder what he thinks. I can’t eat, sleep, I’m beyond depressed. Help! 🙁

  • It actually feels better to know that i am not the only one sailing in the boat of rejection and betrayal !

    Its like almost 1.5 years now that am married to a guy who meets all the requirements of my prince charming. I was in a relationship for about 4 years with a guy, for whom i actually compromised beyond i expected out of me. He always did and forced things on me. no matter what. what he wanted he did and got it done. if he realised i didn’t like it, he would say sorry, do some drama and get away with it. I use to forgive thinking one day he would mature up and mean his sorry. but with time his sorry lost the meaning and he made it a norm. he never wanted to be alone and since i was always there, i guess he kinda took me for granted. he would blame me for having fun at his cost. but wen it came on him… he said clearly he cant give up on his friends. he joined a b school, the same which he once told me was not good. and i blindly followed him to reject hte admission in it. he met a girl there and fell for him. and then came all the blames on me, i was rude, i never cared, i never acknowledged his feelings and bla blah stuff. with some family tragedies at my side, i expected him to stand by and prove that he is my man and take up the opportunity to prove the world his love was true. he didnt. coz he was blind after his happiness and success and glamorous life at a b school. after a torture filled year of break up with lies and hiding the truth.. i moved on and settled for an arrange marriage. all that while when i was looking for the perfect guy, i was clear no matter what i cannot stay with this guy ever. but i cared for him and wanted to make sure he is fine. he hid stuff that he is dating that female. but yes he told me lies that he drinks alone, doesnt tlak much with her, he is guitly, he misses me, he cannot see me sad and such stuff as if he is hell guilty. his words never matched his actions and his lies were crossing all the limits.

    he couldn’t be friends as he was never honest. he always told me that female knows everything and we don;t talk about past and he did thing s unintentionally he misses me and wishes to be with me, but he cannot leave that female . he lies and till today he lies.

    a year and a half to my marriage with this beautiful human being… still i feel addicted and depressed at times. i talk to that jerk, he still tells me same stuff.. he misses me.. he has my stuff.. it doesn’t feel the same with that female, he wishes to be with me… its a stagnant graph with her… but he cannot leave her . i fail to understand what he wants to tell and show to me???

    i know i should not contact him, but he leaves me confused as to what is going on his life. all pictures and that female tells they r happy they r getting married.. but why he tells me he is numb and lost and doesn’t care about things going around him. he misses me, he doesnt feel the same. he cannot give my place to anyone else. and that female is more of a friend and has a different place. what is it with this man??? i dont understand.

    can anyone help me out. he is a cheat and a liar… y still lie if living a happy life even after i have told him it doesnt hurt to hear the truth but to figure out the lie is more painful. why would any gy do so ???

    he was selfish all the while by putting restricitons on me and when i put them back.. he ran away… wen i gave him stress he ran away with an excuse he was carried away by glamour of b school. didnt i ever wanted to live ?? he also says , infact both of them say that he values my efforts and sacrifices and i have played a very imp role in his life as to what he is todya…. den y r they together?? n if they r.. y is he numb and lost???

    i just cant figure out

  • Cout. And his mom lives with him and now he is her only living son. i leave my son at home alone. fir hours just to be with this man and i know its because i like thefeeling and attitude gives me making feel good about myself eventh pugh he don’t likr ny. sonth pugh my 17year old . he dont like my son.
    Don’t know how to break up or break the addiction to him because if don’t see him
    or hear from him i half to get my berry fix.
    Either way i am going to hold on to s lot of guilt and hurt if ivstay or go .
    its hard because i love both of them

    i don’t want this to destroy him or my son

    • I have been experiencing an emotional hell ever since my ex ended our relationship. It was a two-year relationship she ended with a text. I was literally in shock, like I had been hit by a train. How could this woman who I thought I loved be so cruel and cold to me? Yes, I did things in the relationship that weren’t cool to her but..whatever, I felt like it was such an attack against me as a man. After that text, she would completely and totally ignore me like I had never meant one thing to her. I tried no contact several times, going as long as 100 days, but I always ended up trying to contact her again. I just wanted to talk things through, so I could make some sense out of what happened. I’m embarassed to admit I literally begged her to talk to me but she still refused to respond.
      Here, I should explain that I suffer from mental illness which just makes it all so much more horrible. I’m crying now because the pain is so unbearable, sometimes I just want to die, to end my suffering. I feel suicidal pretty much daily. Not to worry, I have been working really hard with a therapist. I take my meds correctly and follow my therapist’s instructions except to have no contact. I don’t really want to die, I just don’t want to live with this pain anymore.
      I’m very much addicted to this person, or actually to the person I thought she was, even though she has clearly demonstrated she is not that person.
      It has been almost two years and I feel pretty much the same as when it happened. I feel like I will never get through this. I feel like just one kind word from her would help me so much, like a thirsty man in the desert, throat parched and dry, and she stands there with a bottle of water but she refuses to give me anything.
      Sometimes I wonder why she treats me this badly when she knows I have emotional problems like I do. I mean, I don’t expect her to take care of me emotionally, but good god, does she have to act like Satan?
      I just feel so angry at her for that, for the cruelty of it all. I don’t deserve to be treated like that by her. I have tried so hard, but I just can’t do it. I can’t let go because it feels like my inner spirit has been attacked and I am in danger and instead of flight, I go for fight. Fighting–the ultimate non-acceptance.
      I facebook-troll her constantly just trying to see if there might be one little morsel I might be able to get from her, knowing it’s never going to happen but somehow always convincing myself there is a chance. Like I said, I feel like my soul is burning in hell.
      Thanks for listening.

  • My boyfriend and 17 year-old son don’t get a long yet i continue to still date him. want to break up. was going to didn’t. see him everyday almost unless i have to work late. but then make up for it the next time i see him because then i stay at hid house twice as long. his brother just died. of cancer and nemorials tomorrow . his mom said it would kill him if i broke his heart. .
    Lilterly because he isn’t in good health and he’st 53

  • Karel Nelson says:

    My situation is a little unique. I was married to my ex (divorce just started) for 16 years. He was the love of my life, my soul mate, and best friend. I left him twice during the last five years, but within a year I wanted him back. It was never the same. I moved to another country last spring and he continued to call me twice a day, asking me to come home. I let my new-found independence and pride stop me from even considering it. Then a few months ago, I invited him to come for Christmas. He instantly shut me down. I said, “What’s going on with you?” He then admitted he’d been seeing someone and has deep feelings for her. I was blind-sided. I spent the next six weeks crying, pleading, leaving phone messages, texts and emails asking him to take me back. Twice during the six weeks, he said he needed time to think. But both times, the end result was the same – he didn’t have the courage to tell me it was over. During this time I had a total meltdown and sunk into depression. On Christmas Eve I just wanted to die. I left messages on his voice-mail begging him to call me so I could just hear his voice. He called and talked to me until I was calm enough to go to sleep. I’ve sent him humiliating emails that I now re-read and can’t believe how I reduced myself to such groveling and lack of dignity.

    Last week I made myself start to accept that it’s totally over. I’ve tried the No Contact Rule several times and it’s too hard. I keep hoping that he misses talking to me and I constantly wonder how he’s doing, is he happy, does he think of me. Yesterday I emailed him to say that I’ve filled out the divorce application. He’s told me three times that he doesn’t want a divorce, but I’m convince it’s because that will be the total end of our relationship. He wants to keep me on the sidelines, for whatever reasons. He thoroughly enjoys being friends, but when he calls – he only talks about himself and his life. He never asks about mine. So I’ve determined that his calls are either sympathy calls (because he knows how much I’m still hurting) or because I know him better than anyone else and he’s comfortable venting or just chatting. But I always end up feeling worse after his calls, because they give me hope that he still cares. Then when he doesn’t call for a day or two, it’s torture and I feel like I’ll explode with pain if I can’t talk to him. It truly is like a roller-coaster and I need to get off.

    So I’m trying the NCR again this week. The first two times I tried it, I ticked off the days on the calendar – just to validate that I was doing better (2 days, 3 days, a week). But this time I won’t do that. I started the NCR on January 1st – the start of the New Year – and hopefully the start of healing my excruciating, debilitating pain.

    Thanks for listening.

    • Dear Karel,

      Reading this about a year later – today is December 20th, 2014 – I wonder: How are you today?

      I so understand how you feel (or hopefully: felt) at time!

  • LoveAddict says:

    I am really really addicted to my ex… I feel almost the same way as maybe a heroin addict would feel for the drug. We were together a year and a half and have broken up before for 4 months but still talked, argued, and slept together the entire time. We eventually got back together and moved in together (stupid, I know).

    3 weeks later I found out he was dating someone else while we were broken up, but continued sleeping with her even after him and I got back together. I told myself and him it was done but I went right back with him. Thinking things would work out because he was so sorry and “never meant to hurt me”. He’s betrayed me a few times but never this extreme. Now he’s broken up with me again, but it’s more complicated because we live together. It’s been 3 weeks and he has not picked up his stuff or given back his keys. And every time he does come to the apartment “to pick up his stuff”, he never really does. We either argue, talk, or he comes while I’m at work and just hangs out! It’s driving me nuts!

    I want him out of my life, he is so so wrong for me, but I can’t seem to let go. I’m always tricked into thinking when he’s been nice for a bit and tells me he misses and loves me, that maybe he wants to get back together. I tell myself I’m going to go cold turkey and have NC but he either texts me or calls me and I give in. HELP ME 🙁 why can’t I let go? Why do I want things from him that I know he cannot give me? I know I deserve better but I can’t break the addiction… It’s as if im addicted to the pain and heartbreak and drama and putting myself out there only to get hurt again. I’m trying to cut him off but maybe I’m scared of him really not being there anymore.

    • Louloubella says:

      LoveAddict, it is like we are talking about the EXACT same guy, i know exactly how you are feeling and this is the stage i am at right now.. as much as i tell myself to stay strong, getting a message or call from him i just give in!
      My ex moved out of ‘our’ house 4 months ago now, and he still hasnt given his key back and has this false sense of entitlement to the house and pops on over whenever he feels like it! I cannot move on knowing that any minute he will just come on over as ‘excuses’ and im sure just to check im not up to anything or ever forget about him..

      one thing i need to do is change the locks, so my house is MY house and he has no right coming over unannounced.. this has been toying with my emotions for a while now as i dont want to ‘hurt’ him to know i changed the locks… umm HELLO you hurt ME and im worried about YOUR feelings about a lock?! totally doesnt make sense but i know you understand how im feeling.. also i removed all photos of us together from around the house and redocorated to make it feel like ‘mine’ not ‘ours’..

      i have told my ex i need to have NC and he needs to let me go and find a life without him, and i cant do that if he keeps contacting me (or coming over).. he insists we can be friends, so he is really not getting the message.. we both live overseas, so neither of us are living in our home countries so that makes this process even worse.. i did contemplate moving home but im really not ready to do that, so i just need to be strong and keep up my affirmations that i release him back to the universe with love and light and let go of any chains to my past that will hold me back and allow new love to enter my life freely! Amen to that! work in progress x

      • LoveAddict says:

        I’m so glad someone can relate so much to me!!! I am in the exact same position with him popping up or finding an excuse to come over. I can barely relax when/if I have someone over because of the anxiety of wondering when he’ll just show up. It drives me insane but still I can’t find the strength to change the locks either. Deep down I want to go back to what we had but I also know it may never get back to that. I love him and it’s so hard to move on with him still messaging or calling. I’ve done the NC thing and eventually started to stop obsessing over thoughts of him and then BOOM! I got a message and ended up right back to square one.

        I’ve learned that I have to let go of the hope for myself, for my own sanity. I totally agree with you on releasing him back into the universe with love and light. It’s such a hard process but it heals day by day. I still have my bad days where I think I can’t make it another hour without hearing from him or knowing what he’s doing, but it’s funny how one day you just wake up and you really start to feel ok again or you just push on.

        Work in process indeed. All the best to you, girl. Our new (and healthy) love is out there and will find us 🙂 xo

    • Dear Karel,

      Reading this about a year later – today is December 20th, 2014 – I wonder: How are you today?

      I so understand how you feel (or hopefully: felt) at that time!

  • It’s a fascinating situation when it involves such deep feelings…what I’ve learned (and like most I’ve been on both sides of the breakup many times in life) is that intensity of feelings for the other, yearning to be with them, missing them deeply, feeling incomplete without them…while these feelings are to be honored, they are NOT ABOUT REAL LOVE. They are telling us that we need to get back to ourselves and see what’s missing inside us.

    Yes, breakups take two people, and the one ‘left’ is never a victim nor is the ‘dumper’ the bad guy.

    Relationships are just mirrors for our own issues. TRUST ME, they just reflect our own insecurities or lack of self love. If we spent more time getting to know ourselves, getting to be our own best friend, we would naturally attract relationships that reflect that. If we feel abandoned, then on some level we abandoned ourselves. It takes courage and patience to look at ourselves with a non judgmental eye and heart to see where we are not loving ourselves. The other one in our life is just there to help us to learn more about who we really are.

    We tend to give our power away to the other, believing that THEY are the source of our happiness. NO, we are purely responsible for that.

  • Hi,

    I do not know whether this belongs to the addiction category, but… so my story

    I had the worst kind of situation called “workplace romance”. My Ex is also someone with low self-esteem and indeed she is not really secure of her feminimity (she even thought about whether she should be a lesbian) and as always this resulted in an urge of compensation, i.e. to have men to assure her on her quality and she tend to use her powers to get this attention. Now last year we worked on a project together and I just happened to be there, a single man and a perfect target… I would not say it was totally bad, otherwise I would not allow myself to be “seduced”. In the end however it was a very asymmetric, abusive and dishonest relationship (since she needed men to provide her assurance and not me… and indeed she flirted with each and every able males) and after collecting enough negative experiences I finally dumped her and (tried to) initiate no contact.

    However we were a small company and we were one door away I saw her often (and this just underlines why no contact is absolutely neccessary) and I saw how much she suffered and indeed I felt that my behavior is damaging the “harmony” within the company. So I tried to change the thing, tried to reach a compromise… and all it produced was, as expectable, more chaos and more pain. And in the end it was back to no contact as there was no better alternative.

    In the meantime she has gone to our boss and presented him an ultimatum, that either me or her (without noticing me)… and as I know he replied that he need his one of the most productive employee so firing me is out of question…guess what she is still around (so it was just an attempt get rid of me).

    So at this point, while I am in no (direct) danger of losing my job, she is still a threat and combined with the previous experiences I feel myself quite betrayed and I hate quite. Is it means that I still addicted to her? Is forgiving really neccessary to move on?

    Thanks,

    zoltan

  • Hi,

    I broke up with my bf some 5.5 years ago, recently I contacted him and broke down as I so wanted him back. But I feel that for all those years that we were together (7 years) and post break up, he was never the man I though he is. His image that I carried in my mind does not match with the guy he actually is. I am just trying to figure things out and feeling terrible these days.

    • Hi, i do not understand that after such a long year you came to know that you still want you boyfriend. Omg you had 7 year of relationship and broke up 5.5 years ago and after 5.5 years you are thinking about your bf is it really a true love.Between these year have you not found any bf or would he not find any gf,i pray to god that you both get together if you really love him truely.God bless you

  • Hi All,

    Man this wheel just never stops rotating, I realized yesterday that I am addicted to my ex unconsciously, my ex’s friend contacted me via Facebook and started checking up on me on the regular and told me that what my ex did to me was something that she never expected it to happen and that my ex is unsure about the guy she is currently with, even though I know I should not be interested in what she is doing I kept listening.

    Then her friend invited me to a drink to which I accepted and went to, she started telling me about how I never deserved what happened to me and hopes that we can still see more of each other, I feel like there are two scenario’s going on here, either my ex sent her to keep tabs on me as I blocked her on all social sites and the other day linked in sent me a notification that two people viewed my profile in the last 3 days and she was one of them or she is being genuine…I know its playing with fire to even have a link to her by being friends with her friend but its just something I can’t shake off.

  • Arun Kumar says:

    Dear Friends,

    I realized yesterday I am very much addicted to my ex really.

    Yesterday, I just wanted to know how her life is going on, is everything fine. (As I got to know that she had a fight with her new boyfriend). So before going to bed I messaged her. I could not believe what happened next. She just replied “WHO ARE YOU”? I was completely shocked. She pretended like that she was someone else. But through her writing style I got that it is my ex and no one else. Then she again replied, “Who ever are you. Don’t ever call or msg on this number”. I also said that there is no need to act like that, be yourself and I promised her I will never message or call her. I couldn’t believe that people change so drastically when they get someone else to love them in their life. So, cheap she had to act like someone else to remove me from her life. This is a big lesson from me and I will learn from it. Again day 1 of NC

  • Arun Kumar says:

    Dear Ms. Brenda,

    Thank you for your encouraging words.
    I am also looking forward to completely leave behind the past and begin a new journey. I am giving my time to family, On Sunday’s I am going outside to meet new people. She was my first life, when she proposed to me I could not resist. I felt how lucky & special I am. Now I think sometimes, back then, If I could have declined her proposal I would have been happy now. But as you said, we need to learn from mistakes. We need to improve ourselves , for that special person who will build us up, walk beside us and share with us.

  • Don and everyone else struggling,it has been 6 months for me without contact and I am feeling truly stronger in of myself.I no longer lie there thinking about the “what ifs”.It hasn’t been easy none of this is and that’s what Eddie is doing trying to pave the way for us not to be soo consumed by another like he was in the old days.

    We each of us has our path,our journey and we need to be whole and happy inside before we can attract another who will build us up,walk beside us and share with us.
    If we aren’t whole we will only attract the wrong people.
    Learning to be with myself and remember what it was that I loved to do before I ever met him was a challenge but it’s happening.
    So stay strong everyone,know that you are not alone and that given time and staying busy with friends and activities that your anguish will be a thing of the past and better things(people) are coming!
    I have put up on my wall “we are only one heartbreak away from the person we are meant to be with” that and “I miss you and I want to call BUT it will hurt me more”

    thanks Eddie and all of you for making this awful,gut wrenching time a whole lot better,
    Brenda aka trying not to be addicted to that someone who was never good for me or to me!

  • We were together for 5 years, he broke up with me a month ago. We went through a very tough time leading up to it and he became very hurt, we both did. I have accepted and acknowledged what Ive done wrong, the truth is I did play a large part in this but I also know that it takes 2 to tango. I feel ok most of the time, when I think about him I do miss him terribly and does make me very sad but I know my existence and happiness arent tied to him.
    Ive contacted him and was open and honest, not demanding and definitely not finger pointing. I dont regret doing it in the least and I completely made the right decision by sending the letter. Hes been really hurt by it all and doesnt want to go back to feeling that way, which is completely understandable, I dont either. He knows that I wanted to work things out and was willing to do the work but he isnt. Its all very sad since he always said he was going to marry me, I always pushed that talk away, hes even recently told people that he thought I was the girl he would marry. In Dec while we were on holiday, I realised I was thinking about spending the rest of my life with him, weird for me who had never thought of that in any other relationship or with another guy. I was perfectly happy to have my freedom before.
    In response to my letter he thanked me for my honesty and HE asked for no contact for 4-6 weeks. How odd.
    I wanted to tell him that he shouldnt contact me, that I needed to have no contact, so that I could start trying to heal myself because he chose to give up and not work on things.
    But I think I have decided to rather say nothing and start my no contact right there.
    I need to learn to move on with my life, if he wanted to be with me he would have made a different choice and I need to accept that.

  • Arun Kumar says:

    Dear Everyone,

    Can a relationship which ended due to cheating, can be ended well by wishing each other well for future life. She cheated on me, but then also I want to wish her best once and for last. Should I go for it guys tell me please.

    • My advice to you would be to let it go, Arun. You don’t owe her that and if she cheated, she surely doesn’t feel she owes it to you. I’m sure she knows you love her as does my ex and it won’t mean a thing if she’s already moved on.

      • Arun Kumar says:

        Dear Jon,

        Thanks for your advice, as you said I have to let her go.I am on day 4 of NC. You also stray strong Jonny.

  • Eddie and my fellow heartbroken compadres,

    Firstly, thank you for all of the inspiring articles and testimonies; these blogs and comments have been tremendously helpful in realizing that while my situation feels insurmountable, I am not alone in the long arduous climb.
    My story is a long and painful one. Sometimes (often times) the pain was a reaction that came from my own stupidity and weakness. I’m not an addict nor do I have an addictive personality but I do have a weakness for light eyes, blonde hair and a body that would make any straight man’s stomach knot. Let me introduce my ex. I met her in college and I know its cheesy and cliche but literally the first time she walked in on the first day of class a voice in the back of my head said, “if you can, marry this girl”. Shallow, I know, I didn’t even know her (nor did I truly EVER). This shallowness would be a driving factor that shaped my life for the next 4 years and leave me empty and longing a year after we finally called it quits. Make no mistake, we had broken up in the privacy of our apartment a couple times, usually after I found out that she was talking to, and yes sleeping with someone else. This happened with probably 6-10 guys(?!?!?!?)
    They say hindsight is 20-20 and if there was one thing I regret, it would be that I didn’t kick her to the curb the first time she cheated on me, but no, I forgave and buried it deep knowing that it wouldn’t really last because it was already over. She had some serious personality issues that I tried to help her with, like being bipolar, alcoholic and in my own diagnosis a utter and complete sociopath/psychopath. With that said, she never really cared despite her constant saying that she did. I obviously made mistakes too (putting up with it is a big one). I’m 100% certain that after it all she isn’t worried about me or thinking about me whatsoever. Unfortunately I conditioned myself like Pavlov’s dog to think that this kind of abuse was normal and necessary which has left me without my reward and in a constant state of self-abuse.
    I’ll admit that I broke the no contact rule several times throughout the year that we’ve been apart. Once when I found out she had another boyfriend (literally the same day that we broke up, it was “facebook official”). Another time when I found out that the same guy (whom I met, unknowingly) killed himself because he found her in bed with another guy who later became her fiance (within 3 months of breaking up with me) which, yet again, caused me to call. There were times when she would call me for no good reason other than to make sure I wasn’t over her, like when she called looking for her tax documents (haha). Then we’d stop talking. It usually came after name-calling and saying things designed deliberately to hurt one another. Then I found out through a mutual friend (well her exfriend) that her engagement was off. And once again I caved and called her knowing that she was prone to substance abuse in times of desperation ( a consistent worry throughout the relationship). I called and a broken, low, yet happy-to-hear-from-me voice answered. Regrettably my heart said, “this is it, she wants you back. Play it cool and she’ll be yours again”. Wherever that came from, it was a lie and when she said she no longer cared for me she meant it. But after that phone call we remained in close contact and thankfully she checked herself into a rehab facility where she would call me every other day and she never sounded better. I can’t describe the feeling of happiness and optimism when I left my house to go on my “first date” with the REAL person I fell in love with. Confusion is how I would describe the feeling when she kissed me after an hour into this date. When I asked her why she kissed me, she calmly and cooly said, “because I wanted to”. She knew she had me right back in her pocket, wrapped around that cold finger. Later that day she told me that I was insecure and that she didn’t need me in her life (after I spilled my emotional beans to her). When I got home I made it a point not to text her first and she eventually sent me a message saying, “Thanks so much for the fun day. I missed you and I wanted to let you know I appreciate you”. My heart skipped, missing the key word “appreciate”.
    We went on another date that went even better than the first. People were commenting to us how nice of a couple we were and that we looked like “movie stars”, we smiled at eachother…if only these people knew. She did (and always did throughout the relationship) pepper the conversation with information on who she was talking to, with no regards to how it would affect me (even though she knew). She told me about all the times she cheated on me, and how devastated she was when she found out in rehab that her ex fiance was dating someone else. Never was there any remorse for me and all I’ve endured, sacrificed and put up with in the hopes that things would someday workout.
    Finally after a few weeks of facebook stalking looking for any signs of who she was referring to only find it was several guys all sending her flowers (pictures were posted). I lost it, called her up and told her I can’t talk to her ever again. She once again, calmly and cooly said, “since I care about you so much and still love you and always will I will respect your decision”. I think to myself now, what a brilliant thing to say! She’s a pro. Just like that she was off the hook and still in control. I haven’t heard or made any contact with her since. I deleted her on facebook, made a nasty (but funny) name in my phone (I tried erasing it but I know it by heart) and vowed never to stalk her again. It still hurts and pisses me off that she doesn’t call and I’m just now starting to feel as though its truly and finally over. In a lot of ways she’s dead to me and that’s depressing since she was the first person I really, really loved. So far I’ve done an excellent job, using tips that I’ve accumulated here. So in many ways my no contact and recovery started in the 10th month of our break up. I have been tempted today to contact her on my 50th day of no contact but I came to this site instead…and I’m glad I did. This article reverberated to my core and left me with the determination to recall the bad and not the good that I saw in her.

    Now the challenge I face is a strange one. I’m not a cocky or self absorbed person but I know that I’m probably better looking than most people. I know that sounds completely hypocritical or whatever but I know I am, women stare at me and tell me wherever I go. Now my blessing has become my curse. With being completely dedicated to her I’ve lost all “swagger” and being rejected so frequently by her has left me completely insecure. Sure I can fake confidence and even score with some women, but I’m really not that kind of person. I like the sex much more when feelings were associated. Now everyone pressures me to talk to women when we go out and when I show little interest a year after the break-up people are beginning to question my sexuality. Plus, I just feel like I’m in the spotlight. I feel like everywhere I go, I’m running from her. I can’t help but go over those words she told me, “you’re just so insecure” and not think, sh*t, she’s right. How could I be secure? So, if you’ve read this I’m sure you’re thinking that phrase from the top, “idiot”…and you’re right. Thanks for reading anyway. I’m ready for this to be muddy water under a burnt bridge and from my experience with her and her rehabilitation I know that admitting you have a problem is the first step. SO here it goes: I AM ADDICTED TO MY EX. Now, onward and upward. In the words of our friend, whom most of us have and never will meet;
    FREE yourself. LIVE limit-less.

    • siriusstar says:

      I too im going through a terrible heartbreak, my thoughts were constantly with that person. I find a lot of the advice on hearbreak – to shut yourself off to that person doesnt work for me personally.
      In my experience the only thing that truly works instantly, is not shutting your heart off, but opening it more. Its important to put yourself in their shoes if you can and have compassion for the person who broke your heart. If someone has hurt you, it is because they are hurt too,. Why are they hurt? What were they searching for? What was the thing they couldnt find? We are all struggling and suffering.
      If you send loving thoughts to that person, instead of focusing on your own hurt, it heals you. You can only truly be happy and healed when you are giving love to the world and yourself. The loving thoughts themselves will heal you. The loving thoughts can come if you can put yourself in their shoes as much as you can (hopefully their behavior is not so mysterious that you cant find that out!)

    • Oh you are no idiot my friend. I recognize your story completely and it’s like a duplication of mine . Beauty is very hard to ignore in women and receiving and being in love with a beautiful women feels like gift . However you story sounds similar to mine . You may have been in love with a narcissist , and the mental conditioning and attitude they posses , drive a man to insanity especially if they are beautiful . They are so clever to fool there victim. The time to reprogram your thinking will take time . I am still working on my healing , but I have followed the no contact rule and it seems to be working slowly . Good luck dude and remember there are plenty of good people out there too .

    • geez, that was a story and a half,, id like to know how good looking you really are,, I have the same problem and I am very picky tooo I have had a thing for my ex too, and never like anyone,, its terrible I find I get the yucks real quick well, get back take care deb

    • I love it. Keep up the good work. You’re worth it!!

  • I am addicted to my Ex, I have the impresion that if it’s not him I will never be happy again…Today I called him, I know I did wrong but I really needed it, to hear it from him, That IT IS OVER. He said it. We talked a little and after that I am crying like a little girl, like we just broke up, when we broke in march…and the only thing he said is that he broke with me in february, last year,…so the came backs together aren’t important. It really hurts, I really associated him with happiness and love. Maybe my problem is that he is my first and only love… I tried dating but it really feels bad. Today I start my journey of finding myself and NC. I WANT it.
    Eddie, thank you very much for your help and blog, and thanks to everyone, I feel I am not alone.

    • Arun Kumar says:

      Dear Tan,

      Go ahead with No Contact you will feel better after some time. You deserve someone better. Who will consider himself lucky to have found you. Just wait for that time.

      We all are with you.

    • Congratulations Tan on that decision… you won’t regret it. It always pays out to invest in yourself.

      • Eddie and Arun,
        Thank you a lot for encouraging me, still going with it, day 2 without contact, and it feels okay, maybe because everything was said. I really don’t have anything more to tell him. It feels like I dropped a huge stone that I was carrying along, and I fell a little happy about it. I am not crying right now. I still didn’t change all my thoughts, but now I think I have the responsability to be happy, simply be a little more happy everyday and enjoy my life. I was only suffering for months and months, lost myself…and I am not this pessimist person.
        Many thanks to all. I hope everyone takes a good desision and encounters the strength to stop being unhappy.
        It’s how Eddie says, it’s a choise, and we have to simply be happy. It can sound strange but I’ll believe in it and rebuild my life.
        I am with you all. We CAN do IT.

        • Arun Kumar says:

          Dear Tan,

          Hope you are well,

          Forgive your ex for what he has done. You will get a big relief.Go for shopping, go for walk with your friends, give time to your family who are the ones who really love you & pray to god (this really helps you). After 3-4 days you will feel somewhat better, try Eddie’s meditation techniques 15 minutes before sleeping. You will be able to sleep well. I am doing all these things and feeling very relieved. I am happy to know that you have now understand that your happiness dwells in you.

          Sta strong, we all are with you..

  • Arun Kumar says:

    Hi everyone,

    “Yesterday is a history, tomorrow is a mystery, TODAY is a GIFT, that’s why it’s called the present.”

    Stay calm & be strong everybody,

  • YES I am addicted to my ex. We got divorced 3 years ago and over that 3 year period even though we were both trying to move on and were with different people from time to time we STILL continued to call each other or text to tell each other that we still loved and missed each other. Every relationship I was in I compared it to what we had when we first got married. I always ended up breaking up with whoever I was with because it wasnt him – the love of my life.

    After 3 years of not seeing each other we did end up back together 8 months ago. I left a week ago because I was not happy and the original spark was no longer there. I have cried for days and I am still struggling from the withdraw from not being able to talk or text him. Even though it was my choice to leave, it doesnt make it any easier. It feels like a death of a best friend that I know I will never see or talk to again. Wanting to make my life better – wanting to LET GO for good but struggling …

    • I am addicted to my ex. I went NC two and a half months ago after she told me she was seeing someone. During that time I went nuts. I couldn’t sleep, eat, I started drinking in excess, ws in full self destruction mode. I couldn’t take it anymore.
      I sent her a text to let her know I was thinking of her. She actually responded telling me she had been thinking about me too. It was like what I imagine a dose of heroin must be for a junkie. I felt great to have had contact. Now, I am anxious, confused, and somewhat depressed. I want more but am so afraid she will reject me. I NEED to know if she is happy. I have false hope and therein lies the confusion because I know she’s with someone else and probably wouldn’t leave. This sucks! I made a mistake by letting myself contact her. I should have let it go.

      • Arun Kumar says:

        Dear jon,

        Just stay strong and don’t contact her. I also contacted my ex after 7 days of NC, thinking I will get her back. But got only more pain & betrayal. Eddie has said right they (our ex) are not the same. We all make mistakes but you should learn from it. That’s the main thing.

        • Thanks Arun. I appreciate it. I know what youean about more pain. I tried to contact her one last time and got confirmed. She told me she shouldn’t talk to me out of respect for the new guy. That was a total bummer. 13 years and she can’t give me any respect but the new guy gets it?
          Oh well. I have to move on and heal.
          Eddie is great and has nothing but good advice. I recommend listening to him because he seems to know better. It’s difficult to do this alone so heed the advice on the site.

  • George Lenett says:

    Thank you for this article… My biggest issue is that I realized i was not even in love with my ex anymore and i had no desire to contact her, i havent in months. But my biggest problem is the whole “facebook” stalking thing.

    I removed her from all social media sites and i still find a way to see her photos, what shes up to, and so forth. I dont get it, i dont want her back, yet i still do it. Why?

    I will do my best to follow the steps mentioned.

    • Healing Heart says:

      I have only recently realised – after trying to break away from my ex since April – that it isn’t about him, it’s me. He psychologically abused me, but I would go running back to him or sat waiting for him to change and want me. He didn’t want to be with me, but he didnt want to let me go either.

      I had to question why I was putting myself through the constant torture and rejection. The answer stems from my childhood and fear of abandonment. I am estranged from my parents and had a traumatic childhood. I thought if I could win this guy, everything would be okay. I was wrong and when I look back to most of my relationships, they were either with inappropriate or unavailable men.

      I had tried no contact since April, but never lasted much past a week. The last attempt however lasted 18 days and only because he text me. I ignored it for a day, then curiosity got the better of me and i replied; I knew this was wrong. Within 12hrs he hurt me again. I was in so much pain and felt suicidal, so I sent him the last message he will ever receive from me 5 days ago. 2 days later, he tried to bust my boundaries, but I never replied and I never will.

      I need to resolve my issues through counselling and with the help of Eddie and this website, to prevent me from making the same mistakes again. I am determined this time that i will keep my ex out of my life through no contact. I no longer want him anymore, I want to learn from it and heal. I deserve to be happy. Stay strong everyone, you are estranged or a reason. Question what it is inside you that makes you want them THAT badly and deal with those issues 🙂

  • >