Suddenly Out Of Love – How Did It Happen?
by Eddie Corbano
It seems to be a complete mystery. Something we cannot understand. And yet it happens every day all around us: People who used to love each other madly suddenly fall out of love, just like that.
What are the reasons?
Sarah’s Story:
Sarah and her boyfriend had been the perfect couple. It was as if they had waited for each other their whole lives. They had the same hobbies, the liked the same things, they considered each other to be soulmates.
This went on happily for two years – the perfect relationship, until her boyfriend suddenly started to pull back, to act strange and get distant. Eventually he broke up with her, and when she asked for the reason he simply replied that he didn’t love her any more.
Sound familiar? Has this also happened to you or someone around you?
A disappointment.
Isn’t true love meant to be forever?
Well, I cannot give you an answer to this one, but I can give you the advice that you need to examine your perception of “true love”. I can tell you: All that glistens is not gold.
A high expectation of true love, and an exaggerated romantic view of the ideal concept of love can disturb the view to having a fulfilling and healthy relationship.
A realistic view is vital.
What is the Main Reason that People Fall out of Love?
Of course, there are numerous reasons why people break up, but they are not always the same ones as why people fall “out of love”.
The term “to fall out of love” implies that they’ve been in love before and all of a sudden the love is gone.
This is of course an illusion. Nobody loses their love overnight.
In my experience there are 3 main reasons why people don’t love anymore, and therefore break up with their partners.
1. Their expectations weren’t met
If you meet a person and you are really attracted, you tend to idealize things. You fall in love with that person, because everything is so new, so fresh. The sex is great, you’re having a great time discovering all the positive attributes of your partner. All your needs and expectations are being addressed, and when they’re not, you simply put your rose-colored glasses on.
The problem here is that your view of your partner is not always a realistic one. Everyone gives their best, tries to show a better self and to hide possible flaws.
We accommodate and compromise much easier at the beginning.
The problem here is that they met each other’s expectations at the beginning, but later on in the relationship, when the fire has cooled off a little, they tend to pull off their masks and show their real selves.
Now they are acting how they really are. No more compromising, no more accommodation, no more meeting the partners needs.
And here is where it can lead to conflicts because someone will not have their needs fulfilled, and will feel betrayed in a way.
This is usually the moment when the person “falls out of love”.
2. Was it really Love?
Another problem is that people very often cannot say if they’re in love or not. They confuse sexual fulfillment with love.
This happens very often to young people, or people who have been in a long term relationship or marriage for a long time. They confuse the initial fulfillment of a need which has not been met for a long time with love.
Once this urge has been satisfied, (this doesn’t always have to be a sexual need), they suddenly lose interest and “fall out of love”.
Of course, it wasn’t love in the first place, that’s why the whole thing appears out of the blue.
3. Mistreatment
Unfortunately it happens frequently, especially with men, that they start sweet and kind and later on they become loud and abusive.
Violence is of course the most extreme case, very often the partners suddenly change their behavior in ways that cannot be tolerated any more by the other one. Good examples are drug and alcohol abuse.
The partner finds that they are very disappointed and loses their love for the person, because their basic needs aren’t provided any more. The relationship isn’t fulfilling and healthy.
Conclusion
The knowledge of the 3 reasons why people can fall out of love can be helpful to us. They can teach us how to behave correctly at the beginning of a relationship.
We have to have realistic expectations about love and relationships, and most of all we have to be who we really are right from the beginning.
Make clear what your needs are despite the risk that your new partner might not love it.
Pretending and cutting back your basic needs will only draw a false picture of you, a picture which will fade with time and possibly make your partner eventually fall out of love with you.
Would you take that risk? I won’t.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
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About The Author:
Eddie Corbano is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on August 28th, 2008)
Show all posts by Eddie Corbano
Tags: abuse, break up, divorce, relationships, true love
6 Responses to “Suddenly Out Of Love – How Did It Happen?”
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Recent Comments:
@Kelsey - i think this quote describes my boyfriend that i just broke up with because a) i think i was the type of girl he was into 10 yrs ago when we met but not...
mimi | March 12, 2010 | more»
@Jeff – I am 18 and me and my ex broke up about a month ago. We had a more serious relationship then most people our age, which initially was a mistake(but...
Kevin | March 12, 2010 | more»
Hey Tony, I really appreciate the feedback, I was hoping top talk to someone who has been in a similar situation. Recently she has told me that she wants to begin...
TJ | March 12, 2010 | more»
@sourtimes – Hey, If you ever want to talk here is my email address: lloyd89 (at) yahoo (dot) com I have been able to recognize the reasons why it...
tony | March 12, 2010 | more»- @TJ – TJ, This sounds very familiar. I was in a similar situation with a 29-year old who had a 4-year old daughter, had always been enabled by her parents...
tony | March 12, 2010 | more»
I was in a marriage for 18 years and I filed for the divorce.It was a sexless marriage,we were better friends than lovers. Well shortly after I left I fell for a man who was 30 and I was 50.We hit if off right away and moved in together. We were a couple for 2 years. And than we broke up. I relalized now it was so passionate because of what I was missing. The sex and the attention. I believe I did love him,but I also put up with his moods etc just to have him.It was a very hard break up for me and still dealing with him and it 4 months later. We still had the sex after the break up and that was dumb but I had a hard time letting go.Stronger now but still miss him at times. That is me, when I care for someone I can’t just never see them again.Also still friends w my ex-husband and glad we are. Thanks for the insights.
I dont know what happened my boyfriend just stop talking , emailing and answering my emails just like he disappeared from the face of the earth. No Goodbye or sorry i found someone knew its very hard.
@Rosey – 6 years ago i met a guy and i fell so much in love with him, or so i thought. we did everything together, he was always around, we hung out with friends all the time, we were completely unseperable! to me that was love and because i thought i loved him, i gave up my virginity to him.
Now, (6years later) we dont talk anymore, he cheated on me twice and even after i found out he continued to cheat with the same girls.
Broke my Heart for the very first time….
HOWEVER: now im older, more mature. one of my bestfriends was tellin me about this guy who wanted to meet me so i asked her some things about him and her response was “Hes an ugly white boy with a really nice car” haha, what am i supposed to think about that?
so he eventually talked to me on my screen name and he kept asking if he would come see me, pick me up, go to the beach, have a few beers, hang out, anything just to see me… & i kept blowing him off
so this one particular time he asked if we could hang out the next day and i felt bad repetively blowin him off so i pt it in a nice way by saying “Maybee, ask me tomorow…;”
but i guess he was a step ahead of me… instead of asking me in the morning, he asked my bestfriend if her and would go with him and hang out. so my bestfriend called me and told me he was on his way to get us. i had no choice but to see him.
so we hung out. he brought me to Narriganset Bay. and slowly as we were hanging out i started to like him more and more.
what really trigger’d me to start liking him was because he was outgoing, he was funny, we seen eye to eye on alot of things… it just seemed like everything was clicking together and i couldnt understand how. and he blew me away when he seen me shivering whie we were sitting on the wall near the beach and he took his sweater off, wrapped it around me, and put his arms around me… INFRONT of one of his (boyz) and my bestfriend.
after a couple weeks we finnaly told each other we loved each other. and from there on out it was like i was his everything and he was mine too
i wasnt physically attracted to him but my feelings for him continued to get deeper and deeper. like there was no end to my emotion. i never felt anything like it before and it scared the hell out of me!
we started dating, he picked me up pretty much every day and we’d go out or go to a friends house and have a few drinks. we were always doing something TOGETHER.
2 months after this whole fairy tale feeling, he started to ignore me… stopped calling, stopped coming by. It was like he never exsisted. one minute hes always by my side, next minute he was never around.
he called me a week after ignoring me, we talked for about an hour he was telling me about a problem he had and what was gong on.. but wat scared me was he kept saying “im sorry”…… “Im so sorry”
then i pulled myself together and said “why do u keep saying sorry to me?” and he sighed & said “your gonna hate me” my heart sunk as i prepared my emotion for a break down.
he had told me that he was loosing his house and he had to move back in with his ex girlfriend of 1 &1/2 years and that was the reason he hasnt been keeping in touch with me or seeing me.
i lost my mind, i have never been so heart broken my entire life. i felt like someone just cut my chest open grabbed my heart and ripped 3/4 of it out of me.
i got depressed, stopped eating, i suffered insomnia, i pulled away from everyone including my family. i hated my bestfriend for introducing me to him even though it wasnt her fault that i fell in love. the only person i would talk to was the friend that he brought along with us to narriganset bay.
he became my bestfriend. he wa the only one who made me smile, or came over just to hang out or pick me up to get my mind off of things. mind you this was my ex’s BEST FRIEND.
so me and his bestfriend were always talkin n laughin he was like the highlight of my day cause he was the only one who could make me smile. but something happen that shouldnt have happend…
we mixed our friendship with emotions and started dating, he met my mother and some family, introduced me to his parents and sister.
it was like the perfect little relationship starting (or as i called it a pre mini marraige lol) so after things started going good for us i hit a big ass stone wall… my ex called me and asked if he could swing by n pick me up for a few just to talk to me…
now of course i loved him still, he was my first true love whom i never wanted to give up in the first place. so i snuck behind my bf’s back to see my ex and we all started hanging out and everytime id walk away from my bf into a drfferent room my ex would follow me and sneak me kisses, or tell me he missed me..
my heart was starting to feel torn considering i just started a healthy relationship with his bestfriend… then one night my ex called me, it was about 4:00am and he was still at his friends house drinking and what not and he asked me a personal question about me and his bestfriend. he asked if we had slept together.
i tried to avoid the question but i ended up just answering it and told him yes i have and the moment i answered him i regreted it so soo soooo much. he started calling me all these horrible names and puttting me down and laughing with his drunk friend
never talked to me again after that. so me and his best friend continued dating and everything was goin good for us but for some reson i had to ask my ex something that would make us or break us. i sent it in a myspace message and he replied back with derogatory terms towards me and fowarded the message to my bf (his bestfriend).
that night my bf broke up with me, my ex stopped talking to me. . . once again i was hurt.. but this time instead of loosing just 1 thing i lost 2, i lost my bf (who was my comfort and bestfriend) and i lost my ex for a 2nd time. i felt so foolish.
how ever. me and my recent ex boyfriend remained good friends, and me and my other ex just stopped talking. we didnt talk for about….. 4 or months.
last week i was online and i seen him on and i figured id try talkin to him, cause i mean, really could it get any worse? i was at the bottom of bottoms i was at lowest terms with him.
to my surprise, he replied with “he whats up” and “what are you doing tonight?”
he ended up picking me up, we went had a few drinks, he took me to the movies, we grabbed a bite to eat, and he payed for the whole night.
and for once we werent arguing, we were laughing, jokin around, we actually had a good time, and as he dropped me off, i looked at him dead in his eyes to see if i still got the same feeling … and it all came back to me.
he looked back at me and i thanked him for taking me out and everything and that i had fun with him. and as i said bye to him and went to get out of his car he gently grabbed my hand.
so i paused, and looked at him, sat back donw in the seat, he ran his fingers through the side of my hair, touched my face. i touched his face and we slowly kissed. but this kiss had so much love in it. i could feel it.
since that day last week we have hung out about 4 or 5 times, he’ll take me out to lunch or just come pick me up and drive around just to see my face…
then last night (November 15, 2009) he called me up. i was in the middle of painting my friends walls at the house and i was a mess, my hair looked horrible, i had black sweatpants on with dried paint all over them and a black wife beada.
he asked wat i was doing and said he was on his way to pick me up just to see me for a few minutes. so he picked me up and as soon as i got in the car he had to crack a joke by sayin “damn u still look hot even with paint all over you” and started laughing
as we started to drive off, he said “oh, wait, first things first…” he stopped the car in the middle of the road, leaned over wrapped his arms all around me and kissed mefor a good 5 or 6 long seconds.
then we left and we went to a little hang out spot and were sitting in his car just talking to each other, we started kissing again then he tried makin a move on me and i thought quickly to myself “we just stared hanging out again after a really long time of not talking… this is probably a mistake… CANT DO IT”
so i touched his hand and simply said “not yet, its to soon” and he was fine with that so we continued to kiss and he layed my seat back and i playfully pushed him off me and held his hands down said “no its to soon, we just started talking again” and so he gently touched my face and we kissed softly and then just layed there with each other holding hands….
give it time and he might come back.. it happen for me and i been through the worst with him
Thank You Lauren, i hope you are doing better and well? Well i pretended to be a friend of my self and i wrote him he once thought it was another person and was making a date to see (cindy) which was is really me LOL, Anyways i wrote him around xmas time and i told him how i(Rosey) was feeling and he replied after two years already just answered Why are you e-mailing me? then i guess he blocked me or just prefer to not reply anymore or not read my email .
I was in a relationship for 5 years. Everything was going great. I thought we were going to be together forever. We were perfect for each other. We shared common interests and had so much fun just hanging out. We were planning on getting married and sharing a life together. I thought I was the most fortunate person on earth. Then just last month month he told me he had lost his feelings for me and he seen me as just a friend. I was so hurt. I was devastated. I still am. He is such a great person and I know he did love me but I just can’t get rid of this constant hurt I am going through. I still love him and of course I will always want to be with him but I believe he is going through a life struggle that I just don’t understand right now. I try not to bug him with what I am going through but he was always the one I would go to with all my problems. It was the same with him. It hurts that I am going through this pain and I don’t have him here to help me through it. I am now trying to give him his space so he can figure his life out. I know dealing with me is last on his list but it just hurts so bad and not having him around is just ripping my heart to shreds. I am trying to hang in there but I know I need to let him go and continue on with my life as difficult as it is. I know he feels bad for what he did but I also know he just doesn’t need me in his life right now. I tried to talk to him about it and pleaded for him to stay with me but he is just not there anymore for me. I feel so alone even though I am not. I have my family and God to help me through. Part of me is just so scared of losing him forever. I just hope I can find peace with all this. I also hope that he can find peace in his life as well.
@Lauren – Good Luck to you! I am happy for you.