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The Cruelty Of The No Contact Rule

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Everyone who has ever started following the No Contact Rule knows about its relentlessness, even its cruelty sometimes.

But once we understand that the rule is actually there to protect us from even more pain, sorrow and disappointment – once we realize that breaking it means a huge leap backwards in our recovery, following it gets a little bit easier.

But how do we come to such an understanding?

Well, first of all, many of us break the No Contact Rule before the 60 days run out, and experience the devastating consequences.

This often works as a “reset” to get us back on track, and motivates us to finally start the healing process.

Or we simply know and trust that breaking the rule means facing a completely changed Ex, and everything unpleasant that comes with it.

Sometimes the fear of such an experience is simply enough to keep you on track.

I miss you. I can’t call, because it would only hurt me.

I found the above quote on a forum somewhere, and it really touched me deeply. Standing there all on its own, an outcry of a bleeding heart.

The No Contact Rule and all its pitfalls condensed into just a few words.

A No Contact manifest.

Is the rule cruel? Oh yes it is… but it is also just.

Use this quote as a reminder to hang in there, and to NOT contact your Ex. No matter how much you want to.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano



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150 Responses to The Cruelty Of The No Contact Rule

  1. Helen July 13, 2013 at 5:19 pm #

    Hello. I have been seeing a man I met on the internet for four years, he will not commit to me and I know sees other women. He tells me he loves me but does not have the capability to commit to one person. We go through periods of being very happy together then he becomes distant and ignores me, I then become insecure and start questioning him about who he has been with or what he has been doing, he becomes very angry with me and we break up and don’t see each other for a while. We miss each other, get back together and the process begins again. I want to end things but I miss him and am always hopeful he will change. Any advice? Should I try no contact? Thank you.

    • Richard July 13, 2013 at 6:30 pm #

      Helen, I really feel for you. I think this phrase says it all: “he will not commit to me.”

      I was dating a girl for six months. We were supposedly in a committed relationship, but I found out she still had her profile active on several dating websites, which completely broke my heart.

      As much as I loved her, I realized she was not playing on the same level as me. I’m “over the hump” on NC (30+ days). Do I still miss her? Yes. Do I still think about her? Every day. BUT–it’s not the same crushing feeling, like you want to cry all the time that it was the first few days after the breakup.

      Helen, in your heart you know what you have to do…

      • Helen July 14, 2013 at 6:03 pm #

        Hi Richard, firstly I thank you for replying to me and I really empathise with your situation. I know you will probably have been told this so many times but she doesn’t deserve you and you deserve to be with someone who treats you with love and respect.
        I don’t know where to start with no contact, if I tell him that I want to break up he ignores me and that drives me crazy, after a few days he will then contact me as if nothing is wrong, I am always so happy to hear from him end up in the same situation, where he is in complete control again.
        I have no idea how to get out of this as after four years im scared to be without him. I’m not young by the way, I’m 47. So I should have more sense by now.

        • Richard July 14, 2013 at 6:38 pm #

          I’ve got you beat, Helen, I’m 56 LOL!

          Ah…wouldn’t it be nice if we could easily separate our hearts from our heads? In my head, I know she wasn’t right for me. My heart, however, tells me something completely different. I’ve never felt such a deep connection with someone–both emotional and physical. I’m the creative type (artist/writer/musician) and she had this wild streak in her that made me fall for her from our very first date.

          It’s been over a month since she dumped me, but there hasn’t been a day that I haven’t thought of her. However, I do have to say that NC is the only way to go. I may wonder where she is, who she’s with, and what she’s doing, but that pales in comparison to actually KNOWING. That would be torture.

          Helen, if you really are serious about moving on, no contact is a MUST.

          • Sue July 16, 2013 at 5:12 am #

            Hi Richard,

            My situation is similar in that my husband left me 6 weeks ago after 9 years. He was younger and from another country. He was wise beyond his years and also an artist and musician. Very popular in his country. I wanted to believe he was the soul mate I was searching for and I still believe that we have so much in common.

            I think of him constantly and am only at the 4 day mark of NC. I am struggling trying to stay busy. What helps me along is to think he is suffering as well. That’s sick but it brings me brought even though it’s not reality. I need constant encouragement to not contact him. Sounds pretty needy but that’s where I am at this point.

            Your words are encouraging and very realistic. I really appreciate everyone on this website. Thanks again for sharing.

        • Phylli July 14, 2013 at 8:11 pm #

          Hi Helen, if it’s any consolation, I was going out with a guy exactly like, he didn’t wanna commit at all. He’d cheat on me and not care if I found out because he knew that I loved him. I know all about trying to break up and getting ignored. He does it because he knows that he’s got total control over you and the relationship.

          It finally got to a point where I realised that I deserve better than what he was offering me, which was nothing. I finally left, and I opted for no contact, it’s been 14 days now and getting stronger. It is hard but you got to learn to look out for number one.

          As long as you know that you deserve better you will eventually get the strength to walk away and not ever look back……..Stay strong.

        • candy September 25, 2014 at 7:45 am #

          Hey Helen,

          I m 33. and I was in a very similar relationship for the last 16 years!!. The guy wouldn’t commit and would ignore me when i said i wanted to break up. and finally two months ago when i was away for a couple of months, he started going around with another girl. this is how he ended the relationship. there were two and a half months when i tried to call him, reason with him, bcoz i thought we were on the verge of marrying. he abused me and humiliated me and said he has never been happy with me. and this after my trying for years to do everything to make him happy.

          Today is day 1 of my NC which i started again, after breaking down and calling him again. I will stick to NC, this time, no matter what. But in retrospect i feel like the relationship had ended years ago, and we were just dragging a corpse along bcoz i didnt have the guts to break up with this a*****e. He, too would be loving one time and cold and punishing at other times.

          Just like you i was scared to be without him. I feel like just because i was scared to be without him, i wasted so many years. really.

          I want to tell you, from what you have written, it sounds very similar to my relationship. and i know from my own experience, that a toxic relationship definitely means that there is some need to look inside us and an opportunity to grow and a find a new you. a beautiful, confident and happy you. or me, for that matter. :) bcoz I am already realizing that I dont need this kind of a person in my life. suddenly a new world has opened for me, with an opportunity to grow.

          Hope you start strict NC. a suggestion – maybe by sending the contact letter that Eddie has put up on the website somewhere.

          Lots of strength to you.

    • Sandy August 12, 2014 at 1:20 am #

      For sure try it. This a—– won’t ever commit to you he obviously already lost respect for you cause you kept taking him back.

      Believe me been. There I took finally just make it final and who know if he changes good for him but don’t waste your time waiting for him.

  2. Richard July 16, 2013 at 5:29 am #

    Hello Sue:

    I know where you are at. In those first few awful days after my girlfriend dumped me, trying not to think of her was like trying to sweep water uphill–always a losing battle.

    However, at day 35, things are a little brighter. Tonight I walked to a popular restaurant row near my house and had dinner by myself. I did the same thing a few days after the breakup, and I was a wreck. When I’d see happy couples walking hand-in-hand, I felt like crying. Seeing the restaurants my ex and I went to was unbearable. Tonight…did I still think of her? Yes. Did I still miss her? Yes. BUT–that heavy black cloud of depression that was hovering over me the previous time was gone. Seeing happy couples walking by didn’t bother me–as a matter of fact, eating alone didn’t bother me, either.

    So, it does get better, Sue. There are many helpful people on this website…feel free to post here anytime.

  3. sammie July 18, 2013 at 4:36 am #

    Hello everyone :) It’s 3.03 in boiling London and I can’t sleep. My boyfriend broke up with me via text on Monday afternoon. I had previously broken up with him last week Wednesday and realised I had a made a huge mistake. I had a bad vibe for a couple of weeks but tried to make excuses for his odd behaviour and then just got fed up and ended it. However I thought I might have been a tad impulsive and told him how sorry I was. He told me he was angry and hurt but we should try work on things because he still loved me. However his behaviour was still odd, his texts slowed down and his words weren’t warm. On Sunday we usually have a long chat on the phone but he said he was tired and would only call if he hadn’t fallen asleep. I got pissed off and sent him a text asking him how long he was intending of punishing me for. I got a reply on Monday afternoon where he ended it. He said his feelings had changed and doesn’t want a relationship with me or anyone else. He said he was sorry for making me suffer and that I was a wonderful person. He also said he knew he was breaking my heart and that he was sorry. It was a 2 part text and my reply was ‘Ok’. I then deleted every connection, picture, gifts and material memories I had of him. I have cried, talked to my friends about my heart break, can’t eat, can’t sleep and feel so down….but…the NO CONTACT rule is helping!!! Having no contact with the man who loved me, promised me a future, introduced me to his son and treated me like a princess, is hard. But it’s working. I am not doing this to get him back, I could never be with someone who gave up on our dreams and future, I’m doing it for ME!!! Yeah I have bad moments and I cry a lot of the time, but I’m fixing myself not the relationship he chose to throw away. Please use the NO CONTACT rule for yourself, as part of the healing process and not to get you ex back. This site has helped me breathe again and yeah there will be bad days but I won’t let his decision crush me and by having no news from him is actually a relief. Be strong and have faith in yourself. Only you can make the NO CONTACT rule work, Good luck :)

    • Colin July 18, 2013 at 10:19 pm #


      You’re in a much better mindset that I was over 7 months ago just after the sudden break-up with my girlfriend of 3 years, and even in a better mindset than I was just a couple months ago. You definitely have the power to get through this, if I could come back up from how low I was back then.

      The no contact rule really does do wonders, and other than that, just time and self-reflection will help. Make sure you have a good support group around you. For the no contact period make sure to keep yourself busy, and make sure to do things you want to do, and do things for you, not things you ex would want!

      When you’re strong enough to do so (you may be now), make sure you process your feelings, don’t distract yourself from them, as they’ll just keep coming back up.

      Stay strong, you sound like you will have no trouble getting through this! If someone gave up on you, they’re not worth your time! It’s taken me months to really truly believe that.

      • Alice March 13, 2014 at 9:07 am #

        Hi Sammie,

        Your story is almost similar to mine. I have cried a lot and I now have chosen to move on. I am on NC day 3, a long way to go but it looks like it is the only way to go. It will be well.

    • lv July 23, 2014 at 7:40 am #

      Hi Sammie, I too think that this NC is work wonder on my recovery. I have started the NC soon after I breakup with my ex. He already cheated on me 3 months prior the breakup but I have only found out after the breakup. When we breakup he makes it sound like it is all my fault that the relationship didn’t workout. When I asked him what have I don’t wrong he can’t pin point it. His last words is ” I still love you and hugs me like he never want to release me. I’m so devastated about it. Few days later my girlfriend saw him with a new girl. After some detective work over online I found out he been cheating for the past few months. I feel upset and mad….I couldn’t fathom why he lie to me even to the day we breakup. I know the truth hurt but being lie to is even more worse. I try to confront him but he never pickup my call. Then I text him that I know. Even after that he never even say sorry for what he done. I feel so sad. It feels like he breakup with me all over again and this time even more horrible because I found out the betrayal. 2 weeks after the breakup he contact me again about returning my stuff. Even to that day no apology from him. I feel sad, angry and hopeless. What did I done so bad that I don’t even entitled for simple word as sorry from him? This is not the man who promise to marry me, introduced me to his parents as his future wife and threat me like a princess. He turn into a total stranger. So far I’m doing well in with the NC except whenever I heard from friends about him and his new girl. Since he work at the next building my colleagues often saw him with the new gf. It is hurt me everytime I heard about how romantic they are…Because my mind said it should have been me. I didn’t go out much from my office because afraid of bumping into them. I don’t think I can handle it just yet because whenever I heard about him and her I broke down and cry. I don’t have the urged to text or call him anymore. I blocked his FB so I don’t have to see his page anymore. I just want to feel better…But I still affected by whatever news that I heard about him. Maybe I’m resenting him for being happy and I’m not. I don’t know…I just don’t want to feel that way anymore. Its exhausting and affect my work performance. By the way today is 1 month after the breakup. After reading other people’s story I guess mine was not so awful…Though I still cry once in a few days whenever I miss that assclown.

  4. Lauren August 2, 2013 at 4:51 pm #

    Today marks day 8 of NC and I’m beginning to realize that being sad, and constantly ruminating on “Why did this happen?” is nothing short of exhausting. While I’m proud of myself for not giving into the urge to talk to my ex, knowing that nothing good would come from the conversation, I can’t seem to stop asking why. I’m desperate to understand what the point was in loving a person to that extent, and having them love me in return, for it to just…end. I constantly question what it was that I could have done differently, or why I didn’t end up being good enough, and my faith is so shaken to know that you can put your heart completely in someone’s hands, completely trust and believe in someone else, and end up being so utterly let down. I miss him every single day, but I also miss having good self-esteem and faith in others. I don’t want to allow him to take that away from me; I want to continue to believe that love really does exist. I’m unsure of how to convince myself of it. I guess I’ll just continue on with NC, and hopefully after the 60 day mark I’ll have more clarity. I’m curious also- why 60 days? It seems so arbitrary? Why not 50 days, or 100 days, or “You should never talk to your ex again.” Any insight from those who are further along in the process than me would be greatly appreciated. Hope everyone reading this is having a good day.

    • Sue August 2, 2013 at 6:43 pm #

      Hi Lauren
      I am only at day 13 of NC. Not much more than you but I do know that if you continue with the NC you will gain clarity. All the answers we desperately want really don’t matter at the end of the day. Think about it. Could you have done anything different? Sure! We all could have done many things differently in hindsight but that would not have made a difference to your ex who could turn their back and walk away.

      I know in my heart that nothing I could do would change his decision to leave me and I also know that we are never 100% to blame. I still hurt everyday and pray that the heartache and pain will stop sooner than later.

      10 days, 40 days, 60 days, I guess whatever works for you. I believe the goal is to get us to a place where we can see that this relationship is over and it wasn’t good for us. The reasons really don’t matter. The fact that they left and not willing to do the work to stay together says it all.

      On September 7, I will be married for 10 years. He left me on June 11th and never looked back. I am so broken but we must believe that nothing lasts forever, including our heartache. NC hurts us more than it does them because they’ve moved on and left us in pieces.

      I will try to remain hopeful and prayerful that we all pull through and love again. Ask yourself would the “why’s” change anything? It is what it is and the NC helps me to accept the things I cannot change. Everyday is a new day to continue to heal. Be strong and post here anytime. This website continues to help me during my darkest hours. God bless.

    • Colin August 2, 2013 at 10:02 pm #


      Realizing it’s exhausting is a big step. Only when I realized how much my thoughts and what I was doing to myself were hindering me from seeing the reality and moving on did I start to move forward. It took me a lot more than 60 days to get there. It may take a good deal of time to stop asking why. You’ll eventually come to the realization that you won’t understand it, and while trying to understand it is good to a point, if you’re obsessing over it and feeling like you need to change who you are, this is just doing more harm than good to you.

      Coming from experience (I’m about 8 months out), it will get much better. You may not realize it, but when you look back at the 60 day mark you will have so much more clarity. I get more and more clarity every day, and I didn’t really start to feel better until I made the conscious decision to leave it behind me. Much like Eddie’s story, I was having lunch with an old friend, and he told me “Leave it behind you.” because he has a friend that has been dwelling on a divorce for 7 years.

      For me, 60 days was just the beginning. after about 5 or 6 days I didn’t actually count, instead I set a timeline way in the future, like 4 months ahead. It wasn’t a set day, as then after that I would want to contact her. Instead it was just a “sometime mid-may” type thing.

      Not that I still don’t have my moments, but like I said I didn’t really grow until I made the conscious decision to let go. It sounds like you’re in a good head space. Don’t let one person dim your light! You’ll get through this and find someone amazing!

  5. down August 15, 2013 at 3:30 am #

    I just break the rule! I was in my 3 day of NC but just this afternoon he texted.. saying sorry for hurting me. I was tempted to reply in viber. I felt happy when he text me. But after that i was hurt because i felt as if nothing will happen i decided to start NcC again.hahahah today is my first. Hope i can reach 60 days….i jUst want to forget him and get rid of this pain

  6. ben August 15, 2013 at 6:32 am #

    To all heartbroken. I posted here awhile ago about breaking up with my wife. she basically cheated on me and moved with the guy for almost 3 months. the first two onths i was fighting for us. I went to her work place just to changed her mind and it didint work. i told her that how could you be witht he guy youve just met several months ago. i warned her too that what if i move on already and you try to comeback. all replied i got from her was a smirk from her face and sait i dont even know the guy. so basically shes defending him. the more i contacted her the more i got hurt. so on the third month i stoppped chasing her. cut all communication. i better myself. i hit the gym everyday. and then ive found out that she moved away from the guy already and went to her family. shes been texting me how sorry she was. how she cries everytime she thinks of what she did to me. she said she unhappy and living with regrets. now what should i do? shes still my wife. i dont know though if i still love her. definitely i dont trust her anymore. but i pity her knowing that she already have the best man of her life who is me but he just took me for granted.

  7. T September 8, 2013 at 10:11 pm #

    So, 2 1/2 months later after he showed up at my door with flowers, promising me the world…. Little by little things went back to the same way due to his dad being ill. This time he passed away and he is acting so estranged from me… He came over once and I hugged and kissed him and he said its wrong for us to be together and he doesn’t feel anything emotionally towards anyone right now. :( he told me to let him be. So I have.. But at the funeral his ex gfriend whom he thought he still lived 1 1/2 years ago came and he public ally thanked me and her for being there throughout this whole time!? I had no idea he was still in communication with her and he treated me like I was a stranger all day. Yet, he kept going to her table and talking with her and hugging her kids and I asked if he was going to sit by me to eat and he got all mad and said, don’t start with me right now!! He finally did sit down for about 15 minutes with me but couldn’t take his eyes off if her and she got up a couple if times and saw us and he seemed he didn’t want her to see us together. It was all Very strange! I felt humiliated. He hasn’t called me since and I haven’t called him. I feel that he stopped loving me after his father died and that he still has feelings for her and she does too. I feel devastated by the whole experience and definitely not secure in our relationship since he has been wanting time alone or with his family to mourn…. I could understand feeling depressed after a parent dies, I also experienced this when I was married and I didn’t change the way I felt about my husband afterwards. :( feeling rejected and confused and depressed.

  8. Antonia September 20, 2013 at 8:04 pm #

    I’m devastated…I was in a relationship for a year and a half with an amazing guy. We have our ups and down but always work it out. He treated me like a princess I have no complaints. We always break up and got back together but in the last break up he didn’t came back. He stop texting or calling me…nothing!…I call him and try to get back with him and he would told me that he love me but don’t call or text after. Im so sad and I’m always thinking about what I did wrong. I made a lot of mistakes when I was with him(not cheating) but I would do stupid things like fight over the simply things and he would try and fix things..i feel so guilty. i cant stop thinking about the last couples of days we see each other he treated me so bad. I know I wasn’t the best person when I was with him but i would never do to him half the things he did to me. We live together for a year almost but always have trouble because his family didn’t like me. As Im writing my story here I feel so lost cause I don’t know why everything end up like this he never give me a reason, he always told me he has never love anyone the way he loves me. We stop talking for a month during that month I always receive private call and never answer but three day ago he text me telling me that he is sorry that he have been bothering me calling me private and tell me a lot of things about me like that I have lost a lot of weight and that my hair has grow( He work close and the parking of my work is in the same shopping where he works). I have decided to make the no contact rule not because I want to get him back but because I want to feel better about myself. This last months have been really difficult for me. I feel lost and have no confidence in myself..i hope I will feel better again!

    Sorry for the mistakes english is not my first language!…thank u for reading me!!

  9. Luz September 23, 2013 at 11:59 pm #

    Hello Antonia.

    You are doing the right thing with the NC even feeling the way you are currently feeling. Keep on strong. I am in my 11th day of NC and there have been times when I felt desperate and all I wanted to do was to call him and make my pain disappear. However, I know this is not going to be the case. I have to go to a conference now but I will continue to write as soon as I get a chance.

    I will tell everyone in here, please keep on the NC rule and just remember to take it one day at a time.


  10. Antonia September 24, 2013 at 10:01 pm #

    Thank u luz!!…hope u still keeping up with the no contact rule!…it’s been really hard for me, everytime I feel like Im doing better and forgetting about him boom!…out of nowhere he calls me just to see how I am!…it’s like he wants to make miserable!…looking forward to read from you!!

  11. T September 27, 2013 at 4:00 am #

    Feeling down today. :( I was so strong and decided to break it off due to his neglect again and making plans with others when I really needed him. He’s never really been there for me, but even more so now. After, and its always After the fact when the weekend is over and we didn’t see each other at all, he’s sorry and wants to make it up to me. I really thought hard and realized he’s just not present in the relationship, he’s a busy-holic and even on a good day, I’m lonely. He tried to make plans for this weekend and said he loves me, etc and I turned him down. I broke it off this time and he just said ok…..Days later I feel bad. :( am I trying to punish him? Of course I want to hear him say he’ll make it up to me and he loves me, and I was upset at the time.

    He seems like he doesn’t even care and is fine with it. I wish I felt better, I miss him, but don’t miss being treated like an after thought all the time. Or chopped liver. What am I doing?!

    After reading Eddies posts I know I need to get myself together here! I’m really lost. I don’t feel confident and am really sad. Over someone whom I rarely saw and didn’t treat me right for almost 3 years! In comparison to other relationships where we did see each other everyday, this one never even made it that far…. With our once a week relationship. Makes me question what the heck have I been doing?

  12. ie October 16, 2013 at 9:17 am #

    Well here I am at six months no contact, not a peep from him ,didn’t expect it though still cryin my eyes out hoping he will call hoping it will end hoping to wake up no longer loving him ,still workin out still going out still trying .I just can’t shake the feeling he’s waiting for me which I can’t even imagine getting in touch with him.I adore him but I made last contact its up to h its not pride or anything cause I don’t Cate bout that I’m not ready to be.rejected again or being ignored so staying I’m no contact its up to him or god to deteine what will be

  13. Annie October 18, 2013 at 2:11 pm #

    Can anyone help me? My husband left me three months ago, and out-of-the-blue. He never said anything about being unhappy or wanting to separate or having doubts. Then, he told me one day that he would have doubts, that another woman appeared and that he could not maintain our relationship. The coming weeks and months were so hard. I tried everything I could to somehow deal with it: going to the gym every day, going to a therapist, etc. I tried to speak with him, to see him. He said he would not be ready to face me. He said he would still love me – and then, finally, I wrote him that it would be better for me to stop contact to him. And he reacted in a very offended way – as if it was my fault that everything stopped this way. Does he make a fool out of me? Does he still feel something for me? Is he simply egoistic or even egomaniac? What does he still want? I do not understand him anymore.
    He even said things like: do you already have someone else, because this would make ME fell better and less guilty. I simply do not understand why he is so selfish and does not understand why I have to stop the contact with him. What do you think?

    • Wendy October 18, 2013 at 10:06 pm #

      He’s a loser and coward. You can do better. Don’t be weak and fall back to him. Tell him you’re filing for divorce get 1/2 if everything

  14. leah October 24, 2013 at 3:45 pm #

    Annie, you deserve much much better! Please leave the guy–he will drive you insane!! Gym and seeing the therapist is the right thing to so–Please get away as fast as you can! I left my ex 6 months ago and the scars are still there but I am in a much better place–please take care of yourself and love yourself. I suggest you listen to some very nice encouraging songs that have helped me move on like
    1. Roar -Katy Perry
    2. Blow me (One last kiss) -Pink
    3. Haunted – Evanescence
    4. Already Gone- Kelly Clarkson
    5. Best Thing I never Had–Beyoncé
    6. Sweet Sacrifice- Evanescence- especially love the part–’one day I’m gonna forget your name”
    7. Titanium- Madilyn Bailey
    8. Nothing-The script–this is such a nice song because once you get out of this mess, he will try to come back and all you will say is “Nothing” because he is not worth your words and most of all he is not worthy of you.

    This too shall pass–don’t miss an opportunity to get out and live a good life—Love love love yourself!! Sending you blessings!!

  15. Anna October 24, 2013 at 11:07 pm #

    I was dating a man for 3 years. He never wanted to discuss a future with me, he was a moment to moment guy. I fell in love with him, I was a wonderful girlfriend to him, I always went out of my way for him, I expressed my love and devotion to him but he just treated me like a day by day situation.

    I was a kind person, he always gave to his family but now I think about it, he kept me at arms length and just treated me like I was just there in his life. All we did was go out for dinner occasionally but that was about it. I loved kissing him and our sex life was amazing but everything else wasnt. He could easily go a week without seeing me, he never suggested anything that would bring us closer. I loved him more than he loved me I guess! I’m 8 years younger and I do make the effort to look after myself, he’s overweight and doesn’t but I still wanted him.

    I did everything to make him welcome and feel part of my family but he didnt do the same. When I would discuss this topic, he would just go quiet and say nothing, if I talked about leaving him, he didnt want that, he would say he wanted me?? He never reassured me or gave me no stability in our relationship and no security of a future. He never discuss future things with me but he’s totally different for his family, its all about them. They use him as a bank and in 3 years, I’ve never taken anything from him as I’ve always been independant and paid my own way. He was definitely tight with his money when it came to me. He’s got 3 cars and one day mine broke down and he arranged the mechanic to fix it but I ended up borrowing and old bomb for a few days and he never offered me one of his nice cars and then I got a huge bill I couldn’t afford and had to pay it off but when his daughter had a problem with her car, he got that fixed for her, paid the bill and offered his lovely car to her without thinking and she’s a married woman!

    Ive now cut contact, its been nearly a month and its painful but it shows me that he doesn’t really care as he hasn’t made any effort to contact me. I feel like I put my life on hold for this man for 3 years and all I’ve done is waste my valuable years on him, he obviously didnt want to commit to me, he just wanted access to me when it suited him.

    It will hurt for a long time but I have to be strong and ride this out because he knows he will have full control of the situation if I went back to him and offer me crumbs all over again!

    Thanks for reading.

  16. Luna October 29, 2013 at 9:49 pm #

    Day 1 of No Contact and I’ve already tortured myself by trying to find photos of my ex and his new girlfriend online. I’ve blocked both of them from Facebook and Google +. Now I just have to stop the obsessive thoughts. He left me. He walked out of me and my daughter’s life and lied about coming back to try to resolve our issues. He went overseas and the second he is out of my life, he is in someone else’s. He left his entire life behind for me to clean up. Every bill, his car, his personal belongings, everything left behind on a whim with a girl he now feels is his “soulmate”. The f***ing childish narcissist he is.. He abandoned me and my daughter and yet I still search for him. What the hell is wrong with me? A guy who spent nearly three years with us without giving me much emotional connection, said his love for me was service oriented, but now he feels intense emotional connection with this new woman. Said he wasn’t a passionate person, wasn’t all that sexual, withheld from me emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy and now he is with someone he “is experiencing emotions he never knew he had”. I get that people move on, I get people find new loves, but to lie to me and to my daughter and betray us like this is insane. I am beyond pissed.

  17. Timiarah Camburn January 3, 2014 at 8:49 pm #

    Great article on the NC rule. The only thing I disagree with is that it’s cruel. Many times, the NC’d party doesn’t even care that we are implementing NC, nor do they take it seriously. They simply see it as “I guess I’m not going to hear from her/him for a while.” NCers need not even think about whether or not it is cruel. Like you said, it is just for the wounded party, and that’s all we need to worry about.

  18. Stacy January 25, 2014 at 6:03 pm #

    Cruelty would be using NC as a manipulation tactic to fulfill a selfish want or need, to see the SO sweat or to see if they can get them to chase. Just about all posters were left high and dry. I doubt ex would care about NC anyway. This is more or less the use of willpower to combat falling back into old habits to risk feeling defeated and needy by calling and begging. Some use it to see if it will bring them closer after space is needed. My ex used it as a mind game to see if I would prove his thoughts of me appearing needy and to see if Id give him is day 6 and the day I started calling him an ex, so he can have all the space he needs now. I refuse to fall for it again… pull no contact with me for no reason other than trying to validate your stupid thoughts and use it as way to leave for a few day and do what you want..dont think so….Im independent and loved him without expectation but Im not a fool…

  19. Brandy January 26, 2014 at 3:58 pm #

    I was doing so good then wham, I get a email from him & stupid me I respond saying i’m doing great. He didn’t even say anything worth responding to! Now I go from day 24 to day 4 now. Just trying to throw me crumbs, or test my boundary or deal with his guilt for what he did.

    The crazy thing is: I only have negative feelings for him now. Any prior happy memories are tainted by the possessiveness & manipulation & jealousy he exerted. Even when I saw his email I had a terrible feeling, a pit in my stomach- which tells me my gut & intuition are coming back & I realize how awful he was for me & how truly terrible the relationship was.

    I can’t beat myself up about breaking NC because when I told him NC he got so mad, he swore I wouldn’t hear from him again & that he deleted my phone number. Guess he forgot to delete my email address too. In all honesty, I don’t think he ever thought I could go a week, let alone 3 weeks without talking to him.

    All I have to say is. I think these next 56 days are going to be so much easier than those first 24! I have much more mental clarity about this relationship & am starting to work on me – again. My self confidence, I’ve already gone through & assessed what it is that Drew me to this person & I’ve identified a few things & now I am starting the slow process to rectify those things- boundaries, self-love, working out, finding out what I like to do. Don’t get wrong, I know there will likely be setbacks but I know I’m already so much stronger.

  20. leah March 14, 2014 at 4:49 pm #

    Still going strong—11 plus months of NC! Met a fantastic guy and moving on- just thought to drop by and say you can make it!!! Was so hard but in a better place now. Hang in there- it will be ok!

  21. talente' May 29, 2014 at 7:12 am #

    Hey everybody I’m starting my no contact rule 2day I actually started it 4 days ago but on the second day my ex called me and I couldn’t resist god knows I wanted to but I wanted to hear what he had to say. He told me he was just thinking about me and for that he had to call..that didn’t really erased the pain of missing him but it added more and I felt so stupid for breaking my no contact rule only to be hurt more anyway I decided to text him and make a lil conversation now that he was back but yesterday he was cold again and so aloof so last night after asking him why he’s ignoring me and him not replying I decided to start over again and never contact him again so today is my 1st day of no contact and it hurts like hell I keep on checking his “last seen” on watsapp and it hurts every time when I find out he’s been online but never texted me but I’m a lil bit better than last night and I’m gonna stick with my decision ..thank u for all the advises and support …together we can do this

  22. Paul Clarke July 20, 2014 at 4:53 pm #

    Hi Eddie,this is my 4th long term break up and I just wish you had been around for the others,I would have had a lot less pain.
    I had a break up after 8yrs and in week 2 already starting to feel great after taking your advice
    Thanks a lot my friend,priceless advice to all guys and gals

  23. Georgia September 22, 2014 at 3:21 pm #

    Have a fwb for 14 months .. Last 6 months he’s been ignoring my texts .. I began to rant and ask why .. Boom I’m ignored.. Then he randomly in that week or following week says he wants to see me.. So random he is.. I ask why he ignores me.. He claims he’s busy but says he’s read all of them.. Gets a kick out of my lil rants .. Cuz I get so feisty.. Oh here’s the kicker found out he’s got a girlfriend this whole time.. He claims they r broke up.. When I scream I’m done this is bs he may text something to me like calling my bs or he will ignore me.. The. Out of blue some random day of the week he will text me as if nothing’s wrong.. Although the this time I feel a shift I haven’t seen him in 2 weeks.. He keeps saying soon .. But then blows me off I told him to say goodbye.. He has yet to answer me.. I’m so heartbroken..

  24. Nelly September 28, 2014 at 10:10 pm #

    Hey marked ,
    I have been daiting my incredible boyfriend for 1 year and 5 months. He recently movied to North Carolina for college and I am in new york. in the past we have daited for a few months , he was inlove with me but I wasn’t feeling him a couple days after valentines day I broke up with him and lost my virginity to a guy who I though really liked me turns out I got played. A couple of months later I realized I mad a horrible mistake leaving a good man that actually cared for me and respected me, so in May/April I called out my his best friend and apoligized and I wanted him to let my boyfriend know I am deeply sorry. I also came I contact with my boyfriend. And sincerly apoligize. In april 9 2013 Charles and went back out everything was so lovely, a month after May 1st on my boyfriends birthday a guy who had a crush on me, kissed me i guess it was how the way I was looking at him but that’s my natural look. I slapped the kid for it and never talked to him again. I could tell Charles this I knew it would break us up so I kept it hidden from him. A couple of months later Charles and I became sexually active , he lost his virginity to me and I tried to play it off that I lost it to him but he was suspicious. A month later I finally told him the truth the reason why I left him in the first relationship. And he forgave me , that was when our love grew stronger. But there was something else in my chest I couldnt Tell him the incident that happens on his birthday. It would be to much to swallow. And plus he said if I ever cheat on him in this relationship he will break up with me . so I decided when the time is right I’ll tell him, I didn’t want us to break up. After June our relationship grew and I fell inlove with Charles and he fell inlove with me , of course we would have a arguments some daily but nothing serious , I would go to his house almost everyday and we will talk, we go on dates , the relationship was so perfect. Fast forwarding to June 2014 he began to have problems peeing and So he went to the doctor with his mother and the doctor told him that something wrong with his body or he has gonorrhea but he will be able to confirm what it is in 3 days , immediately his mother began to say I gave it to him because he lost his virginity to me and I had sex with that one guy that I lost my virginity too . So Charles decided to go on social media and delete all the photos of us and break up with me before I knew the situation . So when I finally got a hold of him we had a serious talk and I told him that when I lost my virginty to the dude I had a check up for every disease and they said I was fine so how can that be ? , and he was like ” no matter what I won’t let you go we could go threw this together even if you do have it ” 3 days later the doctor called him and told him he doesn’t have it. So it was all a misconception. So fast forwarding to August he left to college in north carolina and debates for their debate team. We’ve been having a little fighting because I feel as if he doesn’t fit me in his schedule and he told me because of his debate team and school he really acuppied and I was like okay I understand. A couple of days later he decided to confess to me that he was bisexual ( he never kissed a guy nor had sex with one it’s more like he just have thoughts in his head , he has a lot of adults in his life and friends who are bisexual and I think he just wants to fit in , he said if a guy were to kiss him he wouldnt freak out ) and I was in shock so I decided to come clean and tell him that a dude kissed me on his birthday of last year and I slaped him for it . So immediately he called off the relationship I was wreck I kept on begging him not to do this I confessed my love for him I did everything you could have done to save a relationship I even called his mom , and she told me “Charles love you deeply he may take it out on you because he is stress that he is away from his family, and you know what I told him he shouldn’t be in a relationship in college ” so I decided to hang up on her after telling me that , so for last couple of weeks I’ve been trying to work my way back to be his girlfriend. So a week after the break up i ignored him for 2 days and turned out that he got drunk and slept with another girl because I was ignoring him and he was depressed. I forgave him and he still wanted to be friends. So I told can we take baby steps he says okay and everything is all good we say we love each other and than he comes with his bullshit that ” he can’t force himself to fix something that can’t be fix ” he just want to be friends , ( MIND YOU ALL OF THIS TIME HE STILL HAVE THE PHOTOS OF US IN A RELATIONSHIP ON FACEBOOK AND I DONT). So as the days flow we started to reconnect he will tell me how his day went I would listen thab I would share my story and we talk about his life in college and as we get ready to hang up we would say we love you to each other, so one day we’re talking on the phone and I mentioned to him that his close friend hit me up on Facebook and he got extremely concerned he was like why did he hit you up, what did he say and I told him he probably would want to check up on me and he was like ” I love my friend but I would him, fuck out of here your my girl” and I was suprised in my mind I was like ( Yay) and shortly after he told me that he would talk to anyone else but me, he wasn’t already but now this is official , and I told him wasn’t talking to anyone else , 2 days later I shared a video on Facebook about a guy explaining ” what it really means when a man say he not ready for a relationship” just secounds after he was like you want to throw subs at me and I responded what are you even talking about I shared it because what he said was true that doesn’t necessarily means it relates to me, and I asked him are you playing me?, are you screwing other chicks? And he was like he not going to answer that question and I told him than obviously that video is not about you, he left me on seen, hours later I hit him up and I’m Sayed what are you doing and he responded that he was doing home work and I told him you could have told me that ( he always takes hours to respond back and I’m always hitting him up first, I feel like I’m kissing his ass) and that’s when he told me that he doesn’t have to tell me anything that’s what being friends mean so he won’t have to deal with this shiit. And I responded okay charles you won’t have to worry about me bothering you anymore and he left me on seen. Next day I texted him good morning and he replied we need to talk and I’m like sure , and he said that he wants to talk to other people , and I just flipped out on him because he is always playing with my emotions. And a hour later I apoligized for flipping out on him. But basically his whole thing is that he is verry confused and he doesn’t know what he want and I feel like he thinks he could continue hurting me and changing his mind when ever he please because he know I will be there to take him back . So my thing is should I do a 30 day no contact rule ? It’s now october and this silent treatment will finish oct 28 and October 29 is my birthday and he comes back to New York in November for the thanks giving break . I don’t know what to do I don’t want to loose him he says he loves me and I truly believe he does for crying out loud he brought me this iphone 5, .., mark what should I do, I prey everyday , please help me

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