Whenever life throws punches at us that make us stumble and fall, we ask ourselves this useless and so unproductive question:
“WHY has this happened to me?” .
Or the more concrete, “WHY has s/he left me?” .
I remember after my own break-up, I spent a considerable amount of time and energy trying to figure out why she had left me right before our wedding.
As if it mattered for my healing.
But I WANTED to understand. I thought that understanding would trigger some kind of epiphany that would heal me in an instant.
But no matter how hard I tried, I simply couldn’t figure it out. The truth was, I had absolutely no clue what had happened.
Of course, there were red flags, signs that something was wrong. But they didn’t seem to matter, so I was blind to them.
Besides, how could such a big love ever be threatened by anything?
I thought that nothing could destroy us.
How wrong and naive I was.
The Mystery Of The “WHY”
Whenever a client comes to the question of the WHY, I tell them this exact same answer:
“Figuring out the WHY is part of your recovery process.”
No one seems to understand what I mean by this. I certainly wouldn’t have back then either.
The truth is, that even if I told you exactly what went wrong and WHY they left, you wouldn’t understand it.
It’s like helping a caterpillar out of its cocoon.
It would die soon after because it needs the strength that it builds up by fighting itself out of the cocoon for becoming the butterfly.
That’s why YOU have to first grow into understanding so that you can become stronger through that realization.
I knew nothing of this back then. I thought the world was against me, and my Ex was just a mean and cruel human being.
As I went through the phases, and turned my focus more onto myself, slowly a new world of understanding opened up to me.
I started to understand that the relationship was far from perfect, and that important needs weren’t met. Not mine and not hers.
Once my rose-colored glasses were smacked off my face, I learned to look at everything with new eyes.
Many remarks she made back then I suddenly understood.
I understood both sides – the disappointments and the unspoken frustrations.
This kind of understanding helped A LOT and fast-forwarded my healing.
Would it have helped if someone just told me beforehand?
Of course not.
Because I had to understand for myself.
I had to fight my way out of the cocoon to become a beautiful and strong butterfly.
Conclusion
My advice to you is to acknowledge to yourself that while the reasons that led to the breakup are important to you, they are yet out of your grasp.
Dwelling on the reasons will slow down your healing, and hurt your already damaged self-esteem.
You can use an affirmation for accepting this fact:
“The truth I seek will always present itself at the right time.”
Instead of contemplating over the reasons, use this time to look inwards. Try to understand yourself more by nurturing your basic needs, (if you need help here, subscribe to my free newsletter).
Love yourself, be good to yourself, and a whole new world of understanding will open up to you.
And you will become the beautiful butterfly you deserve to be.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
Hannah,
I got the “how are you doing?” text after 6 months of NC. I never responded. I thought it meant he wanted to get back with me but now I see after reading your post, that he most likely did not. I think it is a matter of control, him wanting to know what is going on with others, not concern or caring. He is not capable of real concern and caring. Your post helped me. Thanks Hannah.
hey brenda,
lol,i dint realise the link was rejected,actually i posted the link also :p…
Movie name is unconditional (2013)
anyways the movie can be searched as unconditional full movie on youtube ,released in the year 2013( *ing micheal ealy,lynn collins) or u can even try to get the dvd, great movie .
Also check intouchables (2012) trailer –french movie ,truly adorable and excellently made.get the subtitles 🙂
Hi Eddie,
I’ve recently broken up with my bf because after a period of claiming being confused he then let out that still likes me but in a different way..And is possibly interested in another woman. We’ve been together for 7 years and had experienced a breakup before, but he then came back all “renewed” and we both fell in love. Things seemed to go greatly until he suddenly changed his ways of thinking and even talking to me. It has been 2 weeks from the breakup and for 10 days I was doing the non contact rule but yesterday I broke it as he kept sending emails and this one about his job I felt like I should have said something. I completely regret it again, as in the middle of the conversation he still emphasized liking me but in a different way (which crosses my heart as he had already told me he does not feel in love anymore…). Why does he bug me so much with “how are you doing messages” and then keeps saying there’s no future between us and he’s in love with someone else. Like I’m totally lost and no longer know how to deal with this situation. I really want to get over him and appreciate my life without him especially because he dumped me after all good moments and experiences lived together. Do you have any advices on that? I need to get my life moving on and really wished he’d realize what a mess he made. I’m hurt and I no longer think to want him back – i just don’t find it fair that he’s all happy w his new life and I still am so affected by this split up. Please, help me rebuilding my self esteem and control. Do you think I should re-start the NC? How to avoid ever replying to him again?
Thanks
Thanks Sid for your recommendations can you be more specific for “unconditional” is it an old movie? who r the actors.We all need uplifting when our spirits sink low I just saw Alan Jacksons “good time” video on utube where he attempts to break a record with the longest line dance in history whilst singing this song–have a look guaranteed to make you want to get up and dance,sing and laugh.Another thing all those people who form the line are ordinary people and it crossed my mine there has to be someone else who is good and kind out there just waiting for me to come dance! hope everyone is having a good day!
cheers Brenda
yeah! got through Valentines day!
guys guys guys
everyone out there i just watched two great movies…..
i want you guys to watch tooo….truly adorable awesome every minute so beautiful…
1. unconditional
2.intouchables(its french movie download and get the subtitles)
truly awesome movies ,how beautiful can the world be….guys i had great saturday watching them…
tc guys:)
Listen k try what u can do….as I said the person who’s hurting u, can not giv u happiness in life….u might believe that all ur problems and sadness can be set off by seeing him,then that’s false…yeh reason u get that feeling is when u see them u r lost ,u feel hav got some power but that ain’t true…
Abt hw u stop urself u hav to try and force yourself,if u keep doin the mistake again n again u will b fed up of your sadness and you will someday decide to let it go…so it will happen..but thing is sooner the better,because no ex is willing to fix it…they only wanna hurt…
Don’t think abt 60 days,even 30 days cam do wonder at times the reason NC is suggested with time line is because ,after so many days the disturbed you get to talk with yourself with person inside you….because at this stage your only motive is one…but after NC your
motives changes ,you meet new person inside you.
Life ain’t gonna end,no one can bring happiness its just our idea of happiness and love,being different is not bad as Eddie said…so move on relax
Don’t stress to muchj on not contacting…it’s simple jus when thoughts come absorb ,accept them,yes hes gone so what.?????? He’s gone tell to your inner self…when thoughts keep yourself busy,watch motivation videos,watch movies,read books, physical activity is recommended…hangout with friends….initial days it is tough as thoughts are there…at first 10-15 days what u can do is ,let it b as itis…don’t stress too much…keep busy,if thoughts arise again get ….if u don’t feel like eating or sleepin that’s ok,if ur computer stops workin or Amy bad things happen and you feel nullshit that’s ok …they r small things….don’t worry u will b tired after few days and then u vl rebuild u r self….but don’t do bad like sex,drugs ,alcohol…
B good and concious…time vl make things better,jus don’t stress,let the way it’s happening and keep moving ahead….thoughts vl b there….dnt control them….accept and decide that you will never see that person again….
Tc
Dear K please don’t beat yourself up it takes time it always comes down to this its been a solid year for me with no contact(staying alone) and no sighting of my ex boyfriend.It’s Valentines day today and still I have this ache that I hope I won’t feel come next year.
I have read many articles and the best advice I can give is keep reading and coming back to this site realize you are not alone here and that things happen for a reason.There is that Garth Brooks song “unanswered prayers”maybe look at it on utube-sometimes we can’t see that the people we are with aren’t the proper fit-it’s ok to love them and love them unconditionally(without expection of anything back) even if they don’t love you back and then let them go–you did your best and be proud of you and love yourself no matter what and don’t close off your heart-you are valuable and in time you will find your happiness maybe try volunteering join a class get your mind off of him-listen to Eddie hes been there and knows the truth-blessings and love going out to you!
I read this site everyday, sometimes I’m inspired and sometimes do angry. Feel
Defeated. Try after try I have never manage to do no contact for 60 days. And everytime I make contact it brings me down. He’s oblivious to it. I need some help
If the breakup was primarily your fault, then do the best you can to become a stronger and better version of yourself and treat the next one right.
If the break up did not seem to be your fault and you ask yourself “why me?” Then ask yourself, “why not me?” We will always be hit by unfortunate events, including a break up, but instead of asking yourself “why me?” It may be easier to answer the question, “why not me?”
Break ups seem to be a way for you to become stronger minded, it prepares yourself for “the one”.
28 years together with 22 of it being married with two children and not the slightest idea what was coming my way with a sudden affair by my husband,mid life crisis, complete 180 personality change….That epiphany is unobtainable for me.
Eddie i have been thinking of the same thing….Its been year ,i am doing good and moving on…but all of sudden met with accident was home on bed for week,have been thinking these things and felt really down…thats for this article it really means a lot and answers all my questions…
But i wish you can answer this one…As you said i am trying to realise why things were unspoken…but the morei think now,i am getting scared,i m frightened to accept that yes i was part of that broken thing…and the thing is even after year,i did heal my self 7 months back,but when these thoughts come i have my ex nightmares,killing my sleep and em really scared and low from inside….I am facing some sort of fear which has no reason…a fear of guilt or what i dnt knw…i hav accepted that it will go soon…but this article of yours made me better..can you please answer?
can you please tell me how do i heal this?
Thank you, Thank you Eddie, You are always there , when i need answers , you are trully a blessing, May the Almighty continuously bless you and your family
Eddie,
i just want you to know you saved my life. I was in a very dark place and really needed the light. you were shinning so bright when i came across your story. My family thought I was crazy, my friends thought I was insane for wanting the love of a man who was AWFUL to me, again and again, year after year. you made me whole again. The only person who could. i wish We could meet and talk, it would be an honor. I love your emails… even two years now! <3 I am fully recovered and actually helped my ex, date another! I fell so deep in love Eddie, Once i recovered and was ready, i went in with both feet, hope to plan our engagement party soon! thank thank youu thank you! Closing the book with your ex is super important people! sitting down and getting closure.. even if its years later. the healing is worth it <3
Love you eddie, and good luck to those still healing.
Great article Eddie. Even if you ask your Ex “why or what have i done”, he/she will give you the classical answer “it is not you but me..you deserve a better one than me!!”…after one year of breakup and going through the recovery I realised that the one I was planning my future with is really no good for me and if we had tied the nod, for sure a divorce will be the assured end…the “why” question made me look back to the relation from a different perspective…my analysis gave me more power, strength and a good belief of what I am today.
The why question I can’t see it ever going away bc I do the no contact 60 day rule . But every day he sends a text a voice message how I love you your the only women I ever loved you taught me how to love but I’m confused rite now so my question is if you feel all this then WHY did you walk away
Eddie.
If I asked my self why, that was a mistake. I knew why we were not together. And we were separated for a very good reason. And he treats everyone the same, no one is treated differently. I just want to stop thinking of him. How can I still think about this terrible person?
The thinking is not as bad as it use to be but it still there. Thank you Eddie for reminding us to STOP torturing ourselves with “WHY”. IT ONLY STOP THE PROCESS for healing.
Thanks Eddie! We need to shift that focus to ourselves, its pointless to ask ourselves the “why” Its realy out of our reach. My relationship ended a few months ago and there are good days and bad days, just try to look on the bright side and always have a smile, even if your rotten on the inside. thats my advice. Just shine, and even if you did made mistakes ( we always do) dont dwell on them and it is always a 2-way thing, so dont be so hard on you. Best of wishes.
Once again Eddie. Your timing is uncanny. I was at the “why” stage but could not bring myself to believe that the relationship was broken long before he left me. I can now see both sides. Its been almost 9 months now and I believe there is more to my journey than this chapter. I am becoming that butterfly and his reasons for leaving are no longer my concern. Thanks for your insight and continued support.
Another excellent article, Eddie! It’s so true. In my experience, the reasons a person broke up with you has so much to do with them. Asking why only prolongs an already painful enough experience. Thanks for all the work you do. I truly love these articles even though I am well past my breakup experiences. I always learn something. God bless.
Thanks for the articel Eddie, my epiphany came a few months ago, it is true what you say and looking back at my relationship with my ex…I too realise that things were not all honey and sugar after all. Sometime looking at the whole picture after some recovery can do a lot of good.
Thanks again.