The Reason Why Your Ex Broke Up With You

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Whenever life throws punches at us that make us stumble and fall, we ask ourselves this useless and so unproductive question:

“WHY has this happened to me?”.

Or the more concrete, “WHY has s/he left me?”.

I remember after my own break-up, I spent a considerable amount of time and energy trying to figure out why she had left me right before our wedding.

As if it mattered for my healing.

But I WANTED to understand. I thought that understanding would trigger some kind of epiphany that would heal me in an instant.

But no matter how hard I tried, I simply couldn’t figure it out. The truth was, I had absolutely no clue what had happened.

Of course, there were red flags, signs that something was wrong. But they didn’t seem to matter, so I was blind to them.

Besides, how could such a big love ever be threatened by anything?

I thought that nothing could destroy us.

How wrong and naive I was.

The Mystery Of The “WHY”

Whenever a client comes to the question of the WHY, I tell them this exact same answer:

“Figuring out the WHY is part of your recovery process.”

No one seems to understand what I mean by this. I certainly wouldn’t have back then either.

The truth is, that even if I told you exactly what went wrong and WHY they left, you wouldn’t understand it.

It’s like helping a caterpillar out of its cocoon.

It would die soon after because it needs the strength that it builds up by fighting itself out of the cocoon for becoming the butterfly.

That’s why YOU have to first grow into understanding so that you can become stronger through that realization.

I knew nothing of this back then. I thought the world was against me, and my Ex was just a mean and cruel human being.

As I went through the phases, and turned my focus more onto myself, slowly a new world of understanding opened up to me.

I started to understand that the relationship was far from perfect, and that important needs weren’t met. Not mine and not hers.

Once my rose-colored glasses were smacked off my face, I learned to look at everything with new eyes.

Many remarks she made back then I suddenly understood.

I understood both sides – the disappointments and the unspoken frustrations.

This kind of understanding helped A LOT and fast-forwarded my healing.

Would it have helped if someone just told me beforehand?

Of course not.

Because I had to understand for myself.

I had to fight my way out of the cocoon to become a beautiful and strong butterfly.

Conclusion

My advice to you is to acknowledge to yourself that while the reasons that led to the breakup are important to you, they are yet out of your grasp.

Dwelling on the reasons will slow down your healing, and hurt your already damaged self-esteem.

You can use an affirmation for accepting this fact:

“The truth I seek will always present itself at the right time.”

Instead of contemplating over the reasons, use this time to look inwards. Try to understand yourself more by nurturing your basic needs, (if you need help here, subscribe to my free newsletter).

Love yourself, be good to yourself, and a whole new world of understanding will open up to you.

And you will become the beautiful butterfly you deserve to be.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

  • Hi,my boyfriend and I dated for 2years.We broke up lastyear in September not knowing why he dumped me.We stopped contacting all over sudden and when I asked him why he is not talking to me like he used to do before, he replied he wasn’t good at communicating.I asked him whether he is noticing something wrong in our relationship but he claimed everything was ok, of which I knew things were not right.Before that we had some issues and we solved them so maturely before he traveled and we were good.So I was waiting for him to come back and discuss why the sudden change.In three weeks before him coming back a friend told me he has a new girl and she did move in with him which was very true after confirming with his relatives.That was so hurtful and couldn’t bare the pain.I didn’t text him or ask him anything to do with his new relationship.I didn’t want to look so desperate and clingy.He later blocked me on WhatsApp and checking at his Instagram I could see photos of him and his new girlfriend.Its been 7months after break up and it still hurts,i have tried my best to move on with a new guy. I don’t want him back, but I felt really betrayed and disrespected.Im hoping I can love someone else the same way I used to love him.

    We once bumped on each other in an event and I asked him if he was alone, he lied to me he was with his relatives but I came to learn later his new girl was there.We talked like for an hour not about our relationship just knowing how each of us was doing.He said he wanted to meet my mum and that really shocked me.He texted a Friend of mine after a week telling her ,he regrets what he did and he still got feelings for me.I don’t think I trust him anymore I just ignored that.
    Give me some advice on how to forget him and keep him off my mind.But deep down I love this guy.

  • Shakydiah says:

    Hi, I am very hurt I was in a relationship with my baby father and we broke up about 5 months ago and I have did some crazy during this 5 months I have stalked him saw him with this chick and all he can say when I talk to him is mean things that hurts me so bad that I cant breath my Love for him is so strong that I pray every night thaat we get back together and be in a better place but God keeps showing that if he is not redaching out to you like you reaching out to him he doesnt care but I guess its the words that he says I love you and we will be together I just need to get myself together but while Im gettimg myself he is sleeping with a chick from his job it hurts word cant explain I need to try the NC thing but how am I to do that if we have a child some one please help me all I want is a family Thank you

    • Shakydiah

      I understand your situation, and I promise you that once you´ve gone through this stage, you will become much stronger and realize that a person that hurts you that much isn´t worth your time, attention and most importantly, your love.

      In regards to keeping contact, keep it as cold and as limited to the necessary errands as possible – other types of contacts will only bring you down.

      Hope it helps

      Keep strong, don´t put yourself down for another person 🙂

  • Hey – I thought of coming here as I just realized one thing that helped me instantly and immensely.
    A quick background: my gf broke up with me after realizing she was unhappy. No cheating or anything, but she did talk to her friends rather than with me, and they convinced her to get out rather than fighting for us. She still misses me – i know that. I did break the NC just to call her to know what were the reasons as it was unclear to me (since she didn´t communicate so much or well, it makes sense…). She was polite and explained to me what were the points, and I noted them so I can improve and not let them get in the middle of my next relationship.
    But I was still upset and having a hard time letting her go, even after knowing she decided to pull off.
    So I decided to write her a letter. A letter in which I point out all aspects of my feelings and express to her how I feel after her decision – since she never asked me or wanted to know how I was feeling towards her or the relationship (and I never felt her open to talk about it), there is no way she could have known them. BUT I DIDN´T SEND IT. While typing the letter I was able to unveil many deep feelings I didn´t know were there. Now I know for sure she wasn´t for me, but until I did this, it was unclear. I won´t send it to her – unless she comes to me asking for another chance, which she won´t. Now I have to learn to cope with the fear of being alone, and that´s how it´s gotta be.

  • My ex told me that he doesn’t love me anymore so that’s why he broke up with me.out of the blue for me but looking back I can see the red flags now!however he has a difficult personality and his demons are haunting him.he will soon realise what he’s losing but after I found this webside and after reading the comments of you guys I feel strong now to not letting him back into my life.well he is still in it very much so but he broke it off and that’s it.nothing I can do but moving on.

  • Elite – I’m not Eddie but you need to kick her off the pedestal. She’s not right for you. Trust your instincts. Finality is the toughest thing to accept. It’s over and you won’t ever see or hear or hear from her again. That’s what I’m dealing with too. Once you get passed that, it can only get better. But until you accept that fact, you’ll never hit bottom … and your emotions will be a yo yo. Even when we know it’s over, it’s so hard to accept it. Remember, HOPE can be our worst enemy.

  • Good Morning Eddie ,

    I hope you are doing well and thanks a lot for all the advises that you are offering on daily basis.

    The problem is that I know I don’t want my ex back because I will suffer again from the pain everyday or maybe there is no way for us to be together, but all the memories and the good times we spent together are killing me! I started to go out a lot and every girl I see , it reminds me of her ! well everything reminds me of her!

    The day she decided that we are not meant to be, she told me that I don’t deserve her, I always had normal psychology while she don’t, she also mentioned that one day she might regret this but be sure this is the best for us, and she asked me to forgive her. Immediately, I started to tell her that we can work on it and we will succeed to pass this level… but you know the classical way, she refused even to communicate with me about it and said that I’m making the situation worst.

    Directly the next morning, I started no contact ! No messages, no calls, I deleted her number but I couldn’t delete her from my mind at all!

    Just a quick information, we were in a long distance relationship for 1 year , I’m Lebanese and she’s Turkish! literally I did my best for her and I was travelling every month to see her, and she came twice to Lebanon. I had some problem as Insecurity, I believe I pushed her away sometimes but in the other hand I was like a perfect bf, every month I was sending her flowers minimum twice per month, whenever I travel I bring her a gift, I lost my self in the relationship and made her my priority while she always said I don’t have priorities in Life.

    Moreover, I decided to leave my country to be next to her and when I found a job in Istanbul, the first week she was really excited but then the problem started and she started to have fears and doubts about us and asked for a break to find herself! Then she came to Lebanon, things were really adorable and she lost all her fears! then after a month or so, I traveled to Istanbul and we had some arguments there about me asking why this man called her! knowing that I’m sure there is nothing and this men is from the rental office that she rents car from, but I forget about this case but she didn’t, she kept it in her mind! I believe she was planning to leave me but trying to find a reason or a way specially that I’m 3 years younger then her ! she started to act distant and by that she ruined our communication. I believe i was a bit clingy and asking for her attention, but she created this insecurity in me! I was never like this! maybe the distance between us made me afraid of loosing her or maybe the lack of attention made me think like I have to give her more attention! Honestly, I was too much available for her and waiting for her every night.

    This is mainly the short version, well there is a lot of other things that passed into our relationship! but what i cannot forget is that she’s a wonderful girl, really so smart, taking responsibility of everything , she loved my family and my family loved her too, and she was the first love of my live, even sexually she was the first and I learned too many things from her.

    So, what advises you can give me to proceed and to feel that I’m healing! because I feel trapped in one place, where I’m checking on her on Facebook daily and several times, I wake up thinking of her and sleep thinking of her, I’m thinking of her a lot!!!! what to do, I don’t know! no contact is not helping me.

    Sometimes, I’m thinking that i need to call her, or why I don’t take a step and try to get her back! maybe she’s waiting for me to take action! god only knows what this girl is thinking and why in the hell she decided to leave me for silly problems that happens with any couples!

    PS: Before me ( I’m 22 and shes 24 turning 25 in 2 month), she was in a relationship with a man 16 years older then her, they were living in the same house for 3 years and they were about to get marry, he was her boss at job, she left the job when they broke up and after 6 month we met , and we get into the relationship.

    I cannot say that she was not a really a good partner, but we were so different and I always felt that I’m not her priority because she always claimed that she’s so busy at work, everyday she go out with her girl friends after work or to meet her mom( her father and mother are divorced and she lives with her grandma, that treats her bad! so she don’t prefer to go home early) , she was trying to find a house too when we were together 1 month before the breakup and she felt so stressed about it.

    I don’t know what to think and how to act, but what I’m handling is the No contact! I’m always thinking of the purpose of contacting her, that’s why I’m not! I gave a lot of compromising to be with her.

    I really appreciate if you can reply me and give me your advises based on what i claimed above! I will truly appreciate it! I was following your website and checking all the posts and that’s really helped ! I follow your advises.

    Looking forward to hear from you Eddie and Thanks a lot!!!!

  • Vivien Shore says:

    I want to thank you very much for your site. A couple of months ago I guy I was dating for three months went back to his ex wife, who is pregnant with another mans child. He dropped me like a hot potato as soon as she contacted him and wanted to get back together. The funny thing was he only had bad to things to say about her and how she had treated him when they were together and also he said the nicest things to me which I believed (I am what he has been looking for blah blah blah). It was difficult for me to accept it in the beginning and I thought he might come back to me after he realized that it still wouldn’t work between him and his ex. But now that time has passed I know that I don’t want him back. He is emotionally unstable and I deserve better. He didn’t even have the courage to tell me face to face that he had decided to go back to her.
    Your website helped me keep the no contact rule and I am proud to say that I have not contacted him since we broke up. I feel good and relieved that we broke up sooner rather than later. The signs were there that he was not over his ex yet but I ignored his actions and believed his words; a lesson well learned for me that actions speak louder than words.
    I still come back to your site when I have low moments; thanks a lot for all your wise words!

  • Hi Guys –

    So I’m back here again after 4 years. I’m in a terrible cycle. Ever since my divorce more than 10 years ago, I just can’t seem to trust again. Things start out well but I see myself going back to a terrible place. I won’t open up … I can’t see myself fully giving into a relationship. The women who have tried to help have been great people … it’s me that’s absolutely cr@p.

    Well, I just officially broke up with my girlfriend of 2+ years. Great girl who just wanted to get married. I don’t know … she was wonderful but I was hesitant. Over the course of a 6 months … she won me over. But what really got me was when I went through personal turmoil in month 5. I became emotionally needy and she was perfect. I appreciated everything she did for me.

    But at about 1.5 years into the relationship, I started having second thoughts. Did I really love her or did I do the absolute horrible … use her as an emotional crutch? Add to it that many of my friends did not believe she was right for me put even more stress into our relationship. But I chugged along because I really wanted to believe. I wanted so much to believe in her.

    Fast forward, 2 years into the relationship and I got a great job offer to move across country. This meant that I either had to marry her … or let her be. She was 36 and wanted the full commitment. I felt that because she invested her time into the relationship, I owed it to her.

    As I accepted the job, it was implied I would come back in a couple of months and take her back with me. At some point when I was away, I started to realize that maybe she was not the person for me. I used her as an emotional crutch and that emotional bond was the thin string that kept us together. That was a horrible thing for me to do.

    We finally broke up last Monday. I think she began noticing the signs a month before. She lovingly ended it with me. It killed her. It killed me. What she provided at one of the lowest points of my life was something I could never forget. The guilt I have right now is so painful. My heart hurts every second. I feel like I used her … wasted her time. She is a beautiful person.

    I know all the rules of breaking up … finality / no contact / kicking her off the pedestal. But nothing ever prepared me for the guilt … and I find it so hard to kick her off the pedestal when she is such a good person. I checked her facebook the other day … it was so depressing. It shook me to the core. I found myself crying … crying to no end. Did I make the right decision? Am I just a terrible person? I want her to find a person far better than me … but than I get depressed that she will be with someone else. I know I put this all on myself, but it still hurts. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know if I was destined to be alone for the rest of my life.

  • Hello everyone,

    I was in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend for almost 2 years. Before i met him, i was in a very good place with myself. I was proud of the woman I became and where I was in my life. When he and I met, it was an instant attraction. Two months after that, he left to go abroad and we were in a long distance relationship for a year. I visited him abroad and stayed with him for over one month. He later came home and we spent 5 months together before we broke up about a month ago. During those 5 months, he got a new job, met new people there, took a test to be certified, and is/was working towards entering grad school. I was the supportive and selfless person that I am.

    Now, the reason we broke up is because he felt like he needed space to figure out why he felt/feels restricted. I have been trying the NC and at first he’d contact me and once I picked up the call. I told him that him calling was not helping either of us. Two weeks later, i broke the NC . I started again and it has been 2 weeks since the last contact. I have to agree that this is one of the hardest things i have to do especially because i truly love him. I feel that we can still make it work but i am giving him the space he feels he needs. He told me that it was nothing that i did and that he sees me as the girl in his future. I am not sure what to believe but i am trying to look into myself and continue to do things to improve. He was truly my best friend and someone i loved fearlessly.

    I am trying not to have the hope he will come back because i am not sure since he hasn’t reached out to me. I’ll continue the NC rule and continue to improve on myself.

    Thank you for this website it brings me some peace of mind and makes me feel like im taking positive steps toward my future.

  • Charlotte says:

    Hi Eddie, it’s been 2 years since I first found your website and still read through your articles on here. Whilst I have gotten over the worst part of the grieving stages I still find myself thinking back to the memories and have not been able to find ‘my new best friend’ ever since. Approaching the big 3-0 is scary for any woman but so much harder when you are single! I do worry…alot that I just will not meet a man who I clicked with as well as him even though he obviously wasn’t for me in the end. Fingers crossed that mayb…just mayb one day it will happen x

  • Tomorrow ill be the mark of the 60 days of NC. It was the best thing I could have ever done to myself! There are good days and bad days, but the good days outnumber the bad ones. Joining my local Roller Derby League has helped tremendously. Do I want to contact him again? Today I can say NO with joy in my heart. NC has helped me to see what I was blind to see on the first place, and what I have gained from this period is SELF RESPECT Thank you, Eddie and community, for the support, even if I only read your experiences every day and remained silent. Your courage helped me to get through the break up and emerge stronger at the end of the road…. May your journeys be filled with joy, Nora

  • Eddie, I’ve been devouring your blog all morning. I actually called in sick today (something I never do!) just because I couldn’t cope with my breakup. We broke up in November after 5 years of him stringing me along, asking for patience and promising I’ll get what I want from him. 2 weeks after we broke up, he met someone else and is now offering the life I wanted with him to her. He wants to stay friends with me because he “cares” about me. Oh, the lies I’ve listened to and believed for so long! Actions speak louder than words and I see him for what he is. He’ll “slip” and mention something about his new girlfriend and it sets my stomach in knots. So, I asked him to please leave me alone. But he can’t seem to stop. When we broke up, I was relieved to finally let go of all the hurt and ready to heal and move on. But then he met her and it brings back so much pain. I NEED to go NC but it’s so hard. He was my best friend for so long and all it takes is for him to tell me he needs me, that I’m his soul mate and best friend, and I listen to it and believe it. Why won’t he let me go?

    • Hi Julie, I am very sorry to hear that.

      You need to reach a point where it’s more hurtful to be his friend than to go NC. When you are ready you will find a way to make him let you go.

      Hang in there!

      Your friend,
      Eddie

      • I have reach the point where it’s more hurtful to be his friend and listening to him talking about another girl than to go NC. I talk to him peacefully and ask him to not contact me anymore, for good.

        It’s the third day, I still don’t have the urge to find him. I hope I wont have that urge for the rest of my life. I think I was hurt so badly that I feel numb and my brain doesn’t want to think of him anymore.

    • Glad it helped you @Tammy!

      To be honest I just don’t know what he means by that but what I have been trying to do is to keep focus just on myself!!

      It’s indeed a very painful route especially when he still shows he sort of cares or minds about my life, but in the end, he was the one creating all this for a reason I never seemed to understand… So I am learning to make up my priorities when it comes to relationships and Never ever again let someone play with my feelings.

      I’m aware I’m not yet over him and the fact that I find myself still grieving for this loss kind of irritates me even more… I can’t believe he’s just there fine, happy with a new chick and I waste my time and energy thinking of him…

      Will see if I can hopefully see brighter days coming soon as I now know I should take this lot to my benefit and be happy again.

      It definitely helps sharing it all with you guys. It feels like we are all wanting the same thing… Finding love again! 🙂

      I must confess everytime I see his messages I get well tempted to reply… But I hold it instead!

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