ATTENTION: Don’t watch the video below before you've read the following article!
One important thing to avoid, when following the so important No-Contact Rule, is to not expose yourself to things that trigger painful memories.
Like, for example, looking at photos of you and your Ex, or listening to your song, (just to name the most disruptive examples).
The danger that we could get caught up in destructive thought patterns, like the “what-if's” and “if-only's,” is simply too great. And the longer we ride this “vicious cycle of thoughts,” the harder it is to escape it.
Yet, today I invite you to watch a video that most likely will make you sad.
But unlike engaging in fruitless self-torturing as mentioned above, this one has a message.
A hidden moral that outweighs the damage it could do.
What Your Ex Left Behind
At the beginning of our break-up, we can rarely see the big picture.
All we see and feel is loss, grief, and consumptive loneliness.
In our pain, we fall for a common misunderstanding that is actually responsible for some of our suffering:
We equate the love we felt for our Ex with the person itself.
The truth is that they are, in fact, two separate things.
Our love we felt was directed towards our Ex, but it exists as an autonomous entity. And as a consequence, it is possible to detach the actual feeling of love from your Ex as a person.
What this actually means is that we can profit from the love we felt/feel and use it to fuel our recovery.
I know this sounds weird, but let me give you an example.
The following, beautiful song lyrics illustrate perfectly what I mean when I say that the power of the love you felt for your Ex, outlasts the lifetime of your relationship:
if I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of
how precious life can be
And if I never held you,
I would never have a clue
How at last I find in you,
the missing part of me.
– “If I never knew you” from Jon Sedaca
Once we have felt unconditional love towards a person – and it doesn't matter whether you've made mistakes in the actual relationship or not – once you've loved, this love doesn't get lost.
It continues to live inside of you as potential, as a sleeping giant that’s waiting to be awakened.
It is this giant that gives us strength and makes us grow as a person.
The reason that we don’t feel its presence right after a break-up is that the pain overshadows it all.
The minute it subsides, we feel it … and everything is possible again.
Realize one thing – you have loved deeply and honestly.
And that, my friends, is a splendid thing of which you should be proud of … not everyone can feel that way.
Yes, you have also experienced loss. But isn’t this much better than not having loved at all?
“Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.”
– Washington Irving
Thought of You – by Ryan Woodward
Now, while you watch the following video – an extraordinary piece of art – I want you to keep this in mind:
The love you felt was not lost, but only transformed, waiting to be reborn again.[vimeo 14803194 w=610&h=343]
Wonderful, isn't it?
It is a piece of art that it allows individual interpretations.
Different perspectives will offer different views.
Depending on where you stand in your recovery at this very moment, this video, in particular, will impact you either positively or negatively.
But you have a choice here.
You can see its radiant beauty, and draw strength from it, or you can just feel the devastating loss it addresses.
I’d prefer, and wish for you, that your perspective is the former. So that you can make a stand, when “the world spins madly on.”
Please let me know what you think in the comment section below.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
Hi Eddie
Thank you. What I took out of the video is that it is possible to love again. I gained some inner strength from it. It has been 3 months no contact and the ruminations of the relationship are fairly fleeting now. What I’ve learnt is that my ex never had true love for me. It’s not possible for someone that is so self-loathing to truly love another person. I don’t know myself whether I love me for me, but I’m certainly addressing some issues that will put me in a far better position in the future to feel that way.
I really appreciate all the emails I received from you. They were so well timed it was like you were reading my mind. I know I made mistakes in the relationship, as both parties always do, but I also know I will be far stronger if I have to deal with the processes you go through should I experience another breakup. I’ve learnt so much.
Thanks for being a mentor and source of inspiration.
Leighton
Hi Eddie,
THANK YOU!
It’s been the hardest six months of my life. Since my break up, I turned my life upside down, I went on an amazing trip, changed my job, gave up on false friends and reconnected with long lost ones and met great new people. I am trying really hard to move on. No contact, you said. And no contact it has been for the past 5 months.
And still – I search for him on the streets. Still think that maybe I’ll bump into him. Still cry for him, not only for the love we had, but for all the plans that will never become true. I think that is the hardest part, accepting all those things we will not experience together.
My break up gave me a new perspective: things seem so much sharper, much more real. Maybe it’s the “not thinking for two anymore” that hit me; or maybe it’s just the pain and sadness shedding a new light on things.
In these past months, I’ve learned to move on without him; I function without him, but still feel this huge hole in my heart. Most days I’m able to look past it but tonight… it’s really hard.
Thank you for being there.
Lots of love (and hopefully peace)
Flor
Mahi Tuna
Thanks that was wonderful,insightful and soo true.Fear of being on your own shouldn’t stop you from establishing boundaries.I never did this and I looked the other way far too much.In the end it was me breaking away because it was hurting me physically(feeling sick all the time) and mentally(feeling less than dirt,poor self esteem).Now I am stronger happier in of myself and have done a ton of introspection.Next time there will be boundaries set and if there is no respect for them I know I will walk sooner than later.
cheers have an awesome weekend!
People sometimes tend to blame the demise of the relationship on the EX. They never take the time to look at it objectively from both sides. “They became a different person” Well, how many people do you know that become a completely different person? Unrecognisable. Unless they became a raging drunk, addict, religious fanatic they probably didn’t change all that much. I would also say that the signs of the previous radical changes where there at the start but you decided to ignore them early on because “you where in love”. They only became unmanageable as the relationship continued. One must look closely, what do you want? what did they supply and what didn’t they. How could you have played a part in the demise of the relationship. Maybe just writing of behavior you really didn’t like “Oh their just being them” but later it became unacceptable. The point is it was unacceptable to start with but you ignored it. Look at what you want in life, write it down, what can you accept and cannot, those are your boundaries. Those boundaries are not to be crossed. The fear of living alone sometimes causes people to let these boundaries to be crossed with the belief they will change or you can change them. You can spend your life trying to change them or just not go there at all and focus your energy on finding someone who isn’t a project and drawing a line in the sand once you see something happen that violates your boundaries. You could be a sweetheart and think you never played a part in the demise but if you look hard enough you probably will find a time when those boundaries where crossed and you looked the other way. That is where you played a part in the demise, all you really did is prolong the inevitable. So evaluate your last relationship very close from both sides, all angles. Now is time to learn, evaluate, plan, Then you will be prepared next time and the chances of ending up with a broken heart might be minimized. Don’t make the mistake of spending all your time on what your EX did or didn’t do. Spend time on how you could have made things better (maybe leaving early on at the first signs of trouble). At any rate you will be prepared next time and the chance of success much greater
Hello!
This video is wonderful, and reading the article Eddie recommended before watching the video, made it even better. Thank you Eddie! I do believe that love is not lost,and it will always be there.
I realize we all may have different interpretations about this video, but at the risk of sounding stupid, I’d like to throw in a question:
At the end of this video, she seems devastated that he walked away from her memory. Is this how anyone else saw it? She probably was the one who ended it, leaving him in a mass of heartache. She still comes around to torment his memory, but then he decided to walk away, and she collapses. He must have meant a lot to her, even tho she left.
Does anyone else see it that way?
I am grappling with all of this, because my guy left me for another woman after four years, and didn’t even say goodbye. I would like to take something with me, that perhaps I meant something after all, and that I wasn’t that easy to leave.
Any comments? Thank you….
Day 45….
it doesn’t matter if you ever meant something to someone who has left you, actions speak louder than words， he left you. remember your parents brought you to this word to be a winner ,not some girl who wait around see if a guy will look back.
Go read 7 Reasons Why You Should NOT Want Your Ex Back” again ï¼ it is very helpful，keep that in mindï¼
Hi Merann!
Does it really matter? Knowing whether it was hard for your ex to walk away? He did walk away, no matter what the reason was and he chose to leave you. It hasn’t helped me knowing that my ex was crying while leaving me, the fact is he did leave and I have to come to terms with that. So even if your ex was truly sorry for breaking your heart, he chose to brake it. For whatever reason.
And that’s why this new article is really interesting to me: learning to separate your love for him (and acknowledging its worth) from the actual person. Doesn’t matter what you were to him, the fact is you loved him. And that makes you an increadible person. Because you have that ability to love like that. And if you did it once, you’ll do it again. Value yourself, not by whether it was hard to leave you or not, but for that amazing ability you have that is making you suffer today (many don’t have it, they go around life not really knowing what love is and you do. Even if this ability is making you suffer right now).
I hope this helps you to move on. Amazing things will happen to you if you open yourself to life’s opportunities.
XOXOXO,
Flor
Hi Merann,
I saw what you are referring to in the video, and yes there are different ways to interpret it. I like to think that It means that in the end, even though your ex moved on, and even if its best to never be together, they will one day realize their loss and miss you, a part of you, and hurt for you. That is part of the power that we get back.
I also believe Merann, that yes, there is love. That person loved you, if it is over no matter the reason, take with you the love. This is how love never dies, and you are able to give it and receive it again. I’m not saying to cling to the person that left, just know love existed.
In my case, I was married 16 years, and we had 2 children, I know and am certain of the love that we had. I know she loved me, but people do fall out of love too. I still feel that love, but I choose to take this love with me, not cling to the past or the image of my ex and the pedestal we put them on, but know that I still can love and be loved. I’m still not quite there yet but I will get to where I want to be.
This site and Eddie has been a blessing to me, because I see things more clear now. Its ok to let them go, we are worth loving ourselves, and we should regain our power. But its ok also to know if something was beautiful, and knowing where these memories stand.
Yes.. I am getting stronger. Tears are very few now, if any. Beautiful video.
I agree.. i can feel that love again 🙂 Thx Eddie
This is weird my interpretation of the video displayed how many times I wished and tried for us to get back together in 4 years of separation and as I became ready to move on he changed his mind …… I took him back –was that a good idea -should my story have ended as the video in walking away?? Have doubts at times for sure……..but faith keeps me strong ……it is 8 months later after reconciliation! married for 32 years …. Life and love is confusing to say the least! People even said things like you are over 50 why worry???? Does it mean you have to settle without a fulfilling relationship ……but being a child of God he sometimes allow us to go through things to help others! And as with you Eddie I got involved in running support groups at our church for people separated and divorced and I would not have been able to do this if I had no experience in what pain they have ……some of them caused the divorce and live in regret….. To help them is the most fulfilling thing that has happened to me……iI suppose there is method in madness ….keep up with your support it’s great,
My dear friends, I have been thinking about post something here for a while. My ex bf left me over half a year ago, I strive to maintain no contact for about 5 month, I did fall off the wagon and called him 2 or 3 times. but now I can genuine say I feel happy over all. And I don’t want my ex back. You just become a whole NEW person after you come out of it ! Trust me !
if you are dealing with break up right now, please hear my message and follow my advice.I learned these the hard way and now I am sharing this with you.
Right after the break up , it is your survival instinct to try to get you ex back, you feel the “love” , but it is not, the only person who can give you love, is your self! Go find some meditative music, listen to them before you go to sleep ,and repeat this gently to your self :” i love myself , xxx(put your name here ) and I will take care of my self” . Do this till you fall asleep.
Ladies ! Have some self respect ! Don’t call him, don’t let him use you for sex or anything! Learn to love your self and treat your self with love and respect! If a guy loses respect for you, they will either disappear or keep treating you like doormat!
And most importantly, when ever you think of your ex and all the hurt feeling , repeat you major career goal or your life purpose to your self ,such as :’I am going to lose 10 pounds or I am going to pass the bar exam!’
Go to the gym ! Exercising will relieve your pain, and inspire your fighting spirit ! Your happiness does not depend on any one else! Fight for your dreams, trust me,when you become the best version of your self, you won’t even want to look at your ex !
All of you, hang in there!
Rita,
God bless you!!! you opened my eyes … but its not easy.
It is such a beautiful piece of art that did make me feel sad about the loss and grief that comes with losing love, but also hopeful that we can rebuild ourselves and keep going and grow stronger. This is where I am at. learning to love myself. I am 36 and have never appreciated myself. I have given everything to the men in my life, and expected them to love me exactly the right way when I didn’t even know how to love myself.
Thank you for sharing this Eddie.
Eddy,
Beautiful!
Thank you for writing an article that extends beyond the pain of the ending of a physical relationship and reminds us the love is still there and how capable of giving love we are. It is that same love we thought we “lost” that can heal the world so it does not go on in madness, but in love. Mistakes are just that, mistakes, errors in thought that require a new perspective. Just because the form of our relationships change does not mean our unlimited capacity to love has changed. Every relationship teaches us something and therefore is never a failure.
Hi to all especially Eddie.This has been the rockiest of roads.Going back a second time really hurt me far more than the first time,when it didn’t work out. This last year with no contact with him, I have felt as if in a fog.Cold inside just going through the days and moving forward.When will it end will there ever be a time that I can truly forget? were my thoughts.Can I forget and build a new life ever?
I started with a personal trainer this last week and he has inspired me,worked my body hard and now hes telling me that my mind is coming to be focused again where I wasn’t.I thank Eddie for all the articles ,this video.I realize it all falls to each one of us to find that strength to move forward.Yes we all loved and cared deeply and yes that’s still there deep inside of us.I got warm fuzzies from the video cause I was that sad sad person lying in the bed wishing I could be any place else.Now I am coming back( I see it,feel it),tougher in body and tougher in mind.I will push through this treat it like the plank position I have to hold for over minute-finding the strength to move past the physical pain.I can do this I can and it’s his loss that he couldn’t love and care deeply and I will emerge again let the sleeping giant awake! hope each of you has a stellar day again,keep strong warm hugs,don’t give in, thanks Eddie I would still be a broken mess without your guidance like a beacon in the darkest of nights!
Brenda
Thank you. This helps me. It will be 1 year on 6/25 since we ended things. I am still heartbroken and haven’t moved on. I have only been on a couple dates, yet he has. He recently started dating. It hurts beyond believe that he was able to and I am not. I know it will take time.
“Once we have felt unconditional love towards a person – and it doesn’t matter whether you’ve made mistakes in the actual relationship or not – once you’ve loved, this love doesn’t get lost. It continues to live inside of you as potential, as a sleeping giant that’s waiting to be awakened.”
I love this. It does give me hope that maybe someday that love will be awakened again or part of it atleast. I do feel so very fortunate to have felt the most amazing love. I guess not everyone does. I am so thankful that I did. Reading that quote is hope.
Just have to wait patiently for my next love to come along. I realize it cannot be pushed. It has to just happen.
thank you for posting this.
Hola Eddie.
Thank you for your emails. They offer great moral support.
I am still in the recovery process, I did feel the great loss that can be interpreted from the video, but I was also able to appreciate its beauty.
I just continue to work hard on myself, learn how to get up quicker and keep moving forward with my life with the best of attitude possible.
Best regards,
Ale
Amazing, and very timely. Sometimes animation can depict feelings that we can’t otherwise access easily. Thank you.
This was simply beautiful. Last year at was at the beginning stage of a breakup and probably would’ve felt even worst after watching this, although I still would’ve been able to put it in perspective. Now, after the pain and moved on from it all, I see this as it truly is…a wonderful piece of art and metaphor for keeping things in perspective.
I didnt care for the video. After 9yrs then breaking up it was an extremely difficult year for me but i have moved on now and what got me thru was realizing the man i fell in love with was gone. In his place stood an overbearing mean unkind bitter man who was getting older (42) lol! And having a mid life crisis. He was no longer the man that made me laugh and smile to hear his voice. U have to realize its not u, u r the strong one, u did not change he did, u just can no longr conform to his way of living any longer without losing ur self along the way and i did, i lost myslf. I am so ovr him!! I miss the man i fell in love with but he was gone a long time ago. Im so glad i moved away and i now wake up HAPPY!
Bravo Eddie ! It has been a long cold lonely winter. A year since she left me on May 8th. This brought a tear or two to my eye and comfort to my soul. I wait patiently to fall in love again. It is as perennial as the flowers and grass.
Desiderata.
Thank you Eddie for working on this subject. Somebody gotta do it. It is a meaningful choice you make.
Hi Eddie,
WOW!!!Its just so lovely and beautiful..and yes at times i feel dead inside but now I feel am getting there…Its been hard real hard , thank for the letters and videos, it has help me alot..Just today i was so down n was depressed with the way he treats me..He rude and mean to me but it doesn’t matter now…I love him deeply and honestly so one day he will realised for the way he treated me and no one can love the way i do..Its hard since we work together and everyday i have to see him and wit the other gal in his life…But now m ready to move on..Forgive and forget..Thank you for sending me this at the right time and I agree with Jon Sedaca- If I never knew you, if I never felt this love I would have no inkling of how precious life can be.i have never felt the love i have felt for him in all my life, even though he mistreats me i love him..Learning to live again….hope i will find love n learn to love again…
Kaoscam, it’s good to re-assess our feelings, like you do here. Despite when someone stop giving you love, your love for the person will leave a mark in their life. Also their presence in your life will always be there. There will be a time when, for having been with you, they will be a form of internal support for you. When you can’t solve a problem or emotional challenge, thinking about how they would help you if they were there, would suddenly help you find a way. I was hurt before….Susan.
As i read & saw the video, it bring tears to my eyes. Its painful enough to know that the person i love so much was married to someone else yesterday.(it was an arrange marriage). His parents objected our relationship due to different culture & beliefs. I never knew what love truly is about the moment he came into my life. We have loved each other v much & the thought of him has impacted my life very much. He will always be in my thoughts, thats no doubt about it.. Im now on the road to revovery. Coming accross this article has been helpful to me, eventually. I know tht deep down i will find love again. il
Good morning to everyone I lost the person who I’ve learned to love and appreciate greatly .. I want to move on and I will try to move on because I deserve to one day be loved like the way I can care and love some else .. I’m having a really bad relapse and its been almost 8 months with no contact ..the good thing about this site is that we are all on the same boat I may not know any of you but I am happy to know that at least I have this site as my support now that she is gone good luck to every 1 outat their cause it seems like we do need it
Kaoscam,
my heart goes out to you. I work with my ex and she has moved on to another. Its devastating everyday. I am in agony. She still is a vision of loveliness, and a woman I wish I could grow old with. I am trying desperately to move thru the pain. I do panic some days, I do try to convince and win her back. She tries to be kind but by her trying to be kind its not freeing me up to let go of the hope. I am in agony. Pain is my companion right now. I do find encouragement that I am not alone, that others are surviving, that their may be hope that I make it thru this. I will hang in there this minute. I can only take it one minute at a time. I fear love being gone, I know I will grow and discover I am complete on my own. the pain is not evil, its good, but sure as hell no fun. We are not alone in our pain. hang in there.
Very beautiful as well as painful. I felt the weight of the loss at times while watching – and I also felt the jubilation of freedom at the same time. Having been married to a narcissist (and now divorced) has taught me many lessons. The most important one? DETACH. Thanks for the video.
Hi Eddie, ok maybe I am wrong about this video, but like you said, some will view it positively or negatively. From what I watched, he woke up feeling dead as the song states. It seems he got back together with a lady and tried to dance time and time again and then finally walked away for a final time. This video was great, that guy was me a few months ago, I had zero choice but to leave a verbally abusive woman. It hurt and hurts like hell, but Im hoping for a better tomorrow.
He left when we were in a good relationship, but I know that he did the right thing, I always trust in him, even when he left me, I know he chose the good way for both of us. And I keep thinking about him everyday, it’s 4 months, and I still hope a day we are together.
I felt honored that she allowed me to be with her. That her sharing just a small portion of her time with me was the greatest gift… sadly I’m now beginning to realize that there wasn’t anything particularly special about her.