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Why Aloneness Is A Path To Recovery

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“Solitude is where one discovers one is not alone.”
—Marty Rubin

During my time of despair, some magical things started to happen. Extraordinary people came into my life exactly when I needed them.

They appeared out of nowhere, just for the purpose of pushing me in the right direction before they disappeared again.

Do you remember what I have mentioned my distant relative said back then? After initiating my recovery with one single question, I would not see him for a long time.

There was another person who said something to me just a few months after the break-up happened that I will never forget. It was an excruciatingly painful time back then, during which all I tried to do was just survive another day.

This person – who I met under weird circumstances – said to me:

“Build yourself a cozy home within yourself”.

What the heck was that supposed to mean? I had no clue what it meant.

It was months later before I finally understood the meaning of that sentence.

“My eyelids are my own private cave, he murmured. That I can go to anytime I want.”
—Aimee Bender (The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake)

In my coaching, (and in my Ex-Detox System), I’m trying to urge people towards learning to be alone after a breakup.

The problem is that nobody really wants to do that – it is one of the main characteristics of being human, that we seek company. Especially the company of someone we love and respect.

We are social animals who love to be near the ones we love. We don’t want to be seen as “weirdos” who walk the cities alone, or act like lonesome wolves hiding in their dens.

So, we develop tools to avoid being alone at all costs. We use texting and emailing to cheat ourselves into constant company – obsessive social networking as an avoidance technique against the loneliness.

When I say that learning to be alone is important for your recovery, it is very important to make a distinction here:

You should avoid alone-time at all costs during the first weeks, especially during the excruciating 60 days of no contact. Distracting yourself and seeking company of others minimizes the danger being caught in the harmful “vicious cycle of thoughts”.

(MORE: The Vicious Cycle Of Your Memories)

But as you progress further on your road to recovery, you will reach a point where you have to face what can at times be a very unpleasant experience -your own self.

It was for me.

Even though I consider myself an introvert – and we introverts get our energy out of being alone – it was an extremely frightening and very intimidating experience.

I felt an incision of separation, as if I were stranded on a different galaxy, alone, desperate. It was like I were cut off from all of humanity.

You may well know how it feels.

But very soon, with a little practice, I recognized the opportunity that lies within this first terrifying aloneness.

What is the difference between aloneness and loneliness?

Before we continue, it is important to understand the difference between aloneness and loneliness, so that we can appreciate the advantages of practicing aloneness in break-up recovery.

The main distinction is that loneliness often goes in conjunction with a feeling of emptiness – an emptiness that urgently needs to be filled with another person’s nearness.

Loneliness is a lack of something you think you need. It’s a state of misery, an open wound.

Whereas aloneness is merely the state of NOT being with other people, absent of any essential requirements.

When you are alone, there is no one around.  When you are lonely, then there very well may be other people around you.

Lonely in the crowd… what a poetic thought.

Knowing that, it appears that we have only to gain in aloneness – once we manage to achieve this state of being by separating it from loneliness.

And here lies the main difficulty – to be alone and NOT be lonely.

Once we learn to do that, it is a direct path that leads to the “real you”.

Someone who can enjoy aloneness can enjoy anything.

Please watch this terrific video from Andrea Dorfman as an shining example that being alone doesn’t have to be “weird”:

Why can aloneness aid your Recovery?

One vital state of your recovery process after a separation is to re-discover your true self, the person that you really are – stripped naked from all the fear, false compromises and heavy baggage you may have carried over from your last relationship.

I call this healing process the “Emotional Ex-Detox”.

There are some tools I recommend in my coaching and book to reach this state of personal freedom, one of which are tools to find your life-purpose.

But one of the preconditions of the “Emotional Ex-Detox”, is that you are able to identify and listen to your “own voice”. And this is ONLY possible in aloneness, stillness and meditation.

If you are able to avoid the “white noise of society”, blend everything else out, the one thing that remains is YOU. It’s simple mathematics.

As I’ve said, this was very frightening for me.  I was forced to face the suppressed demons from my past. But once I faced them, the real recovery work started.

The discovery of aloneness helped me to realize that there is comfort in my inner voice, and that I, in fact, don’t need anyone else to be happy.

I am complete and “at home” with myself.

That is what the guy I met so long ago was talking about. The “cozy home” within myself is always there when I need it. A safe place I can always come to.

Practicing Aloneness

“Inside myself is a place where I live all alone, and that’s where I renew my springs that never dry up.”
—Pearl Buck

I invite you to a small act of bravery.

I invite you to find a place of quiet and close the door. Turn off all electronic communication devices, turn off the door-bell – be completely unreachable.

Unplug yourself from the world.   Trust me, you will survive.

Sit down, close your eyes and pay attention to your breathing. Notice the air flowing in and out of your lungs. Notice your chest rise and fall while you breathe gently.

Now, count every inhale and make it your goal to reach 10 counts without having distracting thoughts.

Do this daily and consistently for 5-10 minutes.

That’s it.

You will notice that this isn’t at all easy, especially in the beginning.  You most likely won’t be able to reach the count of ten without “wandering off”.

But with time and practice, you will start to cherish these daily minutes of solitude, these “escapes to within”, and fully appreciate its advantages.

Again, don’t do this when you are still at the beginning of your break-up. Don’t start practicing aloneness until you’ve completed the 60 days of No-Contact, and not before you’ve reached a certain degree of mind-control.

Conclusion

Aloneness is NOT loneliness. It is a state of purity and your essential being.

Practicing aloneness takes exercise and patience. But it’s so worth it – a skill that will improve your life and give you stability.

Don’t misunderstand me.  I don’t want you to become a loner. I just want you to dedicate a short time frame per day practicing “controlled” aloneness.

I want you to use it as a tool to escape the “society madness”, and spend quality time with yourself, getting to know yourself better.

Knowing and loving yourself – this is the ultimate weapon to survive any emotional turmoil… like a break-up. [Tweet This!]

Just try it, and tell me how it went in the comment section below.

Your friend,
Eddie

,

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57 Responses to Why Aloneness Is A Path To Recovery

  1. KLee February 7, 2013 at 5:44 pm #

    What a wonderful article and video… Exactly what I’m going through right now. Thank you for your insight and wisdom, as always!

    • Eddie Corbano February 7, 2013 at 5:48 pm #

      Thank you, much appreciated.

      • Allen Mayes February 8, 2013 at 8:09 am #

        Thank you, i have been excercising this for 4 years now. I know it seems a long time, but some heal faster than others…i needed back then to get a emotional Immune system booster shot i guess..but my being alone has allowed me to see that im not the one who walked away..im the one who was left standing, and i have strong feet. I am my own man, i have the freedom to choose who, when, where i want to see and go.but i will never allow another woman to be as close to me as she was. my lesson learned was , as Natherath sings, and to quote”Love Hurts”.

      • Tracy March 24, 2013 at 5:10 pm #

        My boyfriend just told me he is moving out. I’m 48years old.- He had an affair for 3 years and we were together 8 years and I took him back a month after I found out about the affair. He said I did not give him enough attention. I feel like a fool for taking him back, and I am embarrassed to tell anybody about our break up. Worse of all, we work together. I do not want to leave my job because I love it, but when I seen him it is very difficult. Thank you for all of you articles and I will remember he is not responsible for my happiness.

  2. Joycelyn February 7, 2013 at 5:46 pm #

    During my aloneness is when I have learned to appreciate myself. The ragged pain is less with the passing of time, and I don’t obsess about the thoughts of the breakup now (about a year later). One thing I did do, was to gently wean all his friends away from me with the explanation that when they would text me or call me it brought back unhappy memories. It was not my choice to end the relationship; it was his. It hurt me to talk about him and they wanted to bring it up all the time. When I said goodbye to them, I sent them a short letter and a small gift. Some understood, others did not. Those who did not, were hurt and angry; I couldn’t prevent that.

  3. katri February 7, 2013 at 6:01 pm #

    Very nice article..can relate to it very much..its always nice to read what you write Eddie..) thank you so much

  4. AJ February 7, 2013 at 6:45 pm #

    Eddie,
    It’s awesome to see someone who hasbeen through so much pain reaching out to help others through their heartache. I cannot tell you how encouraging your articles have been to me through my horrible breakup. Cheers man, even when I’m alone, i know there are many others fighting to find themselves and heal. Thanks dude, seriously. Your pain has given you empathy, which is helping so many others.

    • Eddie Corbano February 7, 2013 at 7:53 pm #

      Thank you so much, that is very kind of you to say.

  5. KG February 7, 2013 at 7:57 pm #

    Thanks for all the tips Eddie! If it wasn’t for your website I don’t know how I would manage to get through every day. Every time I am down and feeling horrible, your website lifts me up. I was with my ex for 9 years and inamnhaving a hard time dealing with it. I’m very lucky to have such caring and amazing people in my life, that have helped me get through this. With them and your website I know I will be ok one day. It may not be today, tomorrow, or next week, but it will come one day. For all the others out there, don’t give up you will make it through this!

    • Eddie Corbano February 7, 2013 at 8:04 pm #

      Thanks so much KG, I’m so glad you’re ok again.

      • sarah February 18, 2013 at 3:26 pm #

        same here..i hav survived after the break up only with the help of my friends and this website..love you and owe u a lot Eddie :) thanks fr being there, when the one i trusted the most cheated me :(

  6. Sandra February 7, 2013 at 8:11 pm #

    Eddie: Hi! This approach has worked spectacularly for me after both my difficult break-ups, and each time, I discovered delicious solitude, or shall I say the capacity to be alone or with people at will. I am there yet again. What a gift!!!

    Of course, I am sort of built that way. I cannot just pick up with someone new to fill an existing hole. I feel that dishonors me, the new person and the relationship with the ex. When I go to someone new, it is with freshness and a healed and ready heart. Otherwise, what is the point? If someone new enters my life, I will also be quite a bit fussier! :)

    This latest break-up found me simply older, when the urgency for sex, for children, for all those things have passed. Too, I am also less fearful, having faced life challenges to date–sometimes successfully, sometimes not. When I’ve not been successful, there were new lessons to learn. That is life. Young people, however, feel different pressures. I just want to acknowledge that reality.

    That said, one year after breaking up with my old boyfriend of many years, life is exciting and full once again—whether or not I’m with people. And lo’ and behold, I AM with people a lot. It just happens. Wonderful things abound. I was hoping for this very state of being to happen to me again, as it had before–and it has. My only warning to your readers would be NOT to jump into a new relationship when you have ARRIVED, so to speak. Let the wonderfulness gel for a while. If you can, let someone amazing come to you. Don’t hunt ‘em down. I made that mistake before, started a relationship too soon into the new me, and poof–the new me was gone. That’s because needy and damaged people see what you have, and they come to take it, leaving you needy and damaged. If you were in their shoes, you would do this, too! You have to be pretty strong and experienced to deal with them without sacrificing your gains. I was not.

    Perhaps all of this is easier for a middle-aged woman to accomplish than a younger person, but it is worth the extra effort that young people may have to put forth to find out who you are from the inside out. I also tell people that in recovering from a traumatic breakup, you create within yourself a blueprint for recovery from any other terrible trials that life may bring to you, and these may make your current problems look like child’s play. In addition to the support I surrounded myself with post-breakup, that blueprint from the last breakup was humming away within me all along. I was sad this time. I was anxious. I was many things. But I did not despair. I KNEW I WOULD GET THROUGH IT. I DID BEFORE. I COULD AGAIN. AND SO CAN EVERYONE ELSE. Give yourself the gift that keeps on giving–that never-say-die blueprint!

    Do I sound grateful? You betcha—to you, to Loves-A-Game, to the people I met there (some of whom have become friends), to my former therapist, my sister, my friends, my in-person support group, and to me–for orchestrating all of this in the midst of great sorrow. And to God for lifting me up and carrying me over a giant hurdle, sometimes leaving breadcrumbs to make me think I was finding the path on my own! What a sport!!

    The end of love has opened me to a greater Love than I thought possible–love for others, compassion for their trials, non-judgmentality—the works! It has helped me so much to offer this to other people, to help them, if I can.

    Thank you, Eddie, for this wonderful article, for having walked ahead of so many on the arduous path to recovery and to oneself, and pointing the way for us all. I wish you continued happiness and good fortune in love, life, and work!

    • Eddie Corbano February 7, 2013 at 8:32 pm #

      Dear Sandra,

      Thank you so much for your words, your wisdom and your willingness to share your experiences with us.

      I wholeheartedly agree with everything you’ve said, especially to not jump right away into a new relationship but to give this experience a chance to have a positive impact on your life (“you create a blueprint for recovery”… I like that very much).

      You did great Sandra and I’m so proud of you.

      Your friend,
      Eddie

  7. Cesar February 7, 2013 at 8:25 pm #

    Allright! I am now in day 51 of No Contact and the Vicious Cycle of Thoughts is not nearly as powerful as it was before. In fact, now my only real fear is that all this pain and struggle was for nothing. I want to take the opportunity to rearrange myself so that a devastating breakup will not happen again. I will of course do this activity in the next stage.

  8. Julian February 7, 2013 at 9:05 pm #

    Hi Eddie

    This is really beautiful, thanks for sharing. I had finally met someone (after being alone for almost 8 years), and I thought she may be the one. It was going very nicely – then suddenly, she dumped me. The funny thing is …. I’m actually ok. I have enough love and belief in myself to know that something better is coming.

    I have no ill feelings towards her at all – in fact – she’s a lovely girl. But through your help over the last few years – I know that it’s her own issues – and it’s not me.

    I’m alone for now – and I’m ok.

    Thanks
    Ed.

    • Sandra February 7, 2013 at 10:38 pm #

      GO ED!!!!!!!

  9. Lorraine February 7, 2013 at 9:29 pm #

    Dear Eddie

    Thank you so much for this article. I am in the throws of this and I am doing my best to be alone. It is scary and difficult
    but I know it has to be done. Your article could not have come at a better time. It is so comforting to know that someone
    else is feeling or has felt what I am feeling. After the loss of my 20 year relationship, the last year and then some has been
    to say the least AWFUL. You inspire me to be less afraid and more courageous. My goal right now is to try not to cry so much
    and be better in my own skin. I never had that problem before until this breakup. It rocked me to my very core.

    Your website has helped me in times of such deep sorrow. It is my hope that I get through the storm and see the light again.

    All my gratitude
    Lorraine

    • Sandra February 7, 2013 at 10:36 pm #

      Lorraine, I am sorry. Twenty years is a long time. Mine was 13.5 years. I am much better a year down the road. I was surprised that I recovered as quickly as I did. Your recovery rate may surprise you, too. I hope so. But even if it takes a bit longer, there’s is a silver lining behind the cloud–a beautiful one–if you follow this experience to the end. I am sorry for your suffering now. I know it is just dreadful, but it does end.

      I was not married. Not sure if you were. I have been in an in-person support group with marriages ending at all stages–20, 25, and 40 years on. Just awful. They are all getting through it. I am proud of them, as the navigate the waters of riding solo. I mention this to remind you that as alone as you may feel, you are not alone. There are people suffering as you are all around you, and there’s always a worse story. I’ve heard some that made my hair curl.

      Not sure if you like poetry, but Sharon Oldes (or Olde), a well-known poet, just published a marvelous book of poems (Stag’s Leap) chronicling the break-up of her longtime marriage and her recovery. Wow, even Sharon Oldes. Her husband found a new woman. Could someone out there have more substance than she for her husband? But Sharon is better. Amazingly so. After all that.

      You will be, too. That I promise you. Nothing stays the same–not happiness and not grief. I send you my best in this trying time.

      • Lorraine February 7, 2013 at 11:10 pm #

        Thank you so much Sandra. It was very kind of you to respond with such insightful thoughts. I am grateful for this site, my great friends and wonderful family. I am trying to keep one foot in front of the other. I also try to remember when I fall God is there to pick me up and carry me…my prays and good thoughts to all on this site who are suffering. I will keep in mind that there is a silver lining…all my best to you

    • rlyn July 30, 2013 at 1:03 pm #

      Hi Lorraine,

      Hope all’s a bit better now.

      I feel for you, been there or should i say still on the same path as yours. My husband of 13 yrs left me for someone else.

      I understand the pain, loneliness and fear but with the help of family, friends and other support group (just like this inspiring website of Eddie), I am certain you and everyone who shares the same sentiments will see a better life after this challenging pace. I hope this will happen sooner…

  10. Chin Chin February 7, 2013 at 10:12 pm #

    Thank you so much for sharing very helpful.

  11. berny February 8, 2013 at 2:17 am #

    Wonderful article and the video too… well written eddie..

    Recently, i was watching a movie and i was impressed with this line ” very few lucky people get to know the taste of breakup, the feeling and the suffering”.. So i believe we should learn to embrass, accept and learn through it. Its been three years i broke up and believe me guys, i have no regrets over break up.

    This 3 years post break-up journey has made me a man and my life has been changed. its way lot better on things i deal with. It made me strong .. and above all I AM HAPPY.. what else we need it life….Hold it there guys.. there is no shortcut or medicines to get over the pain. Time alone can heal it and it makes us better person…

    Really thankful to Eddie and lovesagame for helping me through out this journey. It would’t have been easier without u eddie.. thanks a lot…

  12. Ruth February 8, 2013 at 3:01 am #

    Thanks for this another wonderful article Eddie! It’s almost six months after my painful breakup, but here I am- happy, strong, recharged. I discovered that in my moments of silence and aloneness, those were the only times I was able to talk to the voice inside me without the influences and biases of the world. I am able to remember and decide on what I really wanted to achieve in all aspects of my life, which, I have literally forgotten and set aside when I was in a relationship. Similar to Kelly Clarkson’s song, Stronger, “doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone.” Thanks again Eddie! More power!

  13. Gina February 8, 2013 at 6:54 am #

    I really enjoyed reading this article and watching the video. Thank you for posting it. I broke up with my ex seven months ago. He was passive-aggressive and emotionally abusive. As a result of that experience, I have completely embraced my aloneness and find that the longer I am alone, the more happy, content, and at peace I feel. It’s been an extremely therapeutic experience for me.

  14. Razel February 8, 2013 at 7:34 am #

    Thank you so much for sharing this. It really helps me a lot. I am really struggling right now but through this and the other articles you have shared it lessens the burden I am carrying. I really have many realizations because of this.
    thanks a lot Eddie

  15. prerna February 8, 2013 at 7:35 am #

    Hi,

    Thanks for sharing this article. I will try to practise this from today.

  16. bathra February 8, 2013 at 7:46 pm #

    Im still doing the contract ……..i will surely follow this part too…….cause u helped me a lot Eddie…….

    thank you.

  17. gulrukh February 9, 2013 at 6:57 pm #

    hi eddie

    i think GOD wants to heal our wounds and take away all the pain that we all ‘heartbroken’ have been going through thats why people like you exists and come forward to our help… i had just gone through a devastating breakup which has actually shattered my life completely.. and i came across your articles right at the time when i needed the most..

  18. Toby N February 10, 2013 at 12:59 am #

    Hey Eddie. You know, out of all the relationships I had, only 1 truly broke me. Back in 2009 your site helped again and again (we got back together 3 more times after 6 month breaks). Despite seeing other people I still felt alone by missing this one person. Fast forward to summer 2012, three years later, only then had I healed. I do know without this experience I wouldn’t be the person I am today, and the importance of being able to be alone and much stronger in yourself!

    Summer 2009 I could have never imagined I would get over things. Granted, 3 years is a hell of a long time but so many lessons learned ready for the next person. Your newsletter popped in my inbox so I wanted to write here to say thanks. So cheers!

  19. Jason February 10, 2013 at 8:20 am #

    Eddie,

    Ironically, if you had presented this article to me on this past Monday, I would have thought such advice, methodology, and techniques were baffling and strictly nonsense; However, as crazy or trivial these methods may seem to someone who hasn’t faced a devastating break-up or been in a serious relationship to be tremendously effected by the end result, it is because of these methods that I have quickly started the healing process faster than imagined, but I have ultimately changed my life for the better! Please allow me to explain:
    My Ex and I have been dating for the past four years until recently, more specifically since February 4th, 2013 (on Monday). To briefly describe the past four years in a nutshell, one must ponder upon their favorite “Fairy-Tale” story. Now with the general love story rubric, where mine would be: boy meets girl, girl likes boy and boy likes girl, a conflict keeps them from being together where one would sacrifice one’s dreams in order to be with the other, etc…. This was my story and after the dreadful “friends” line was introduced, I had given up my house so she could live comfortably while I sleep on campus, work full time and essentially living out of a back pack and the trunk of my car. Moreover, after my military service, I decided to return back to school and this is my final semester. Thus, on top of having pressure of pursuing a more lucrative employment within the defense contracting industry, I had lost my best friend, whom I was considering proposing to at the end of the year, and I am still somewhat homeless until this next Friday.
    Nevertheless, Monday was the initial shock and awe. Tuesday was my “loneliness” time where I viciously tortured myself over and over again. Then like nothing happened, my Ex calls me up and invites me to come to our home, which I bought for a midnight tryst and a warm bed to sleep in. Thursday the same as on Wednesday. But on Friday, I left for work in the best mood ever, only to be completely crushed that night by yet again the “friends” line, as well as “we will see what happens”. Needless to say, I lost my crap, for lack of a better term. And the thought of me wanting to “define the relationship” merely pushes her away more and more. Furthermore, as I work all day and study all night, she is out on the town with both female and male friends whom are a horrible influence to her character…..THEN, i started to read my inboxes with my subscription to your advice, which I had gotten on that Monday. I just got in my truck and drove. As I drove, I considered the entire relationship, and all seemingly trivial signs that were quite obvious of events yet to come, became apparent. As I logically deducted such minor events, I began to re-examine my future and what it was that I was working so hard for, and what I fought tooth ad nail to accomplish. And, like the preverbal light being turned on, i had come to realize that I hate my job. I never wanted to keep pursuing my career within the military, much less with a defense contractor. I have always enjoyed the science behind sports medicine and general medicine. In addition to my unhappiness regarding my career path, I had become aware that she had set my own goals that would not only benefit her, but would sacrifice my own happiness, due to my strong family loyalty. So, I cancelled my mid-morning official interview with General Electric at the Hilton Hotel, which was technically this morning. And as of this morning, I have been motivated to actively pursue my passion of medicine, and have researched all day and all night, medical schools and certification programs. As of midnight, I had filed out two applications for medical post-bachelors certification programs and I have sent off numerous e-mails requesting additional information. I have also, called an apartment complex and was able to get a move in date for this Friday, for almost half of the initial rent. In short, I have done a 180 and those few tears are no longer present, especially in my first day out of the 60 of the NC step. She is going crazy by blowing up my phone, and unfortunately, I am enjoying it but it is the overall sense that I am in control of my future. Today has been the First day of the rest of my life. I have empowered my self with a tangible dream of becoming a doctor. I have never been more motivated about anything. And I owe it al to you and your methods, despite the fact that I may have shuffled the order in which they are said to be done, but regardless, here I am at the library. And I cannot remember why I was so up set on Monday. Make no mistake, I still love her and I still want to be with her, but not at the vast cost of sacrificing my dreams.
    Again, thank you so much, and I only pray that this fire stays lit as I have 58 more days to go.

    • M May 22, 2013 at 5:40 am #

      Hi Jason. I’m sorry for your painful experience but am so pleased to hear you are pursuing your dream. My partner of 8 years left me for someone he works with after I supported him through 6 years of university. I was waiting for the next level of commitment with marriage and support for my goal, which was to have and raise children. Now I am alone and have to work out what to do as a single person. I’m a bit lost now but I’m so glad you worked out so quickly what you want and I hope I’ll get there soon too.

  20. Puneet Kashyap February 10, 2013 at 9:56 am #

    Agreed 100% .

  21. Keving February 10, 2013 at 10:54 pm #

    What a difficult exercise! My mind can’t seem to get away from her, even though she ripped my heart out. 14 years of marriage and she doesn’t want to be married anymore! But she wants to be friends. It’s been 8 months and I’m still torn, hurting, lonely. Slowly distanting myself, for some reason I haven’t the intestinal fortutide to hold out the 60 days. I read/re-read and read the Ex Detox and listen to the Ex Detox meditation, and I feel better, but haven’t the guts to actually follow it. Why? I don’t know. I think I’m too sensitive…weak perhaps. I must say that this article and that video of an awesome lady has resonated. This will be my focus, without forcing. I think that might be part of the problem. I’m trying to force myself to be “better” without putting in the work! FOCUS MAN!!! that’s what I’m trying to tell myself. Eddie has said it before, “you will not heal by time alone, you have to want and work for it,” my paraphrase, sorry Eddie. I keep getting the emotional pangs, bouts of sadness and longing. Does she, no. She’s happy and tells me so. Let’s all get on board with Eddie here. He’s just trying to help, but he can’t do it alone. Eddie, you (and me) have my support. I will focus myself on your book (THANK YOU FOR THAT), your website (AGAIN, THANKS), and the mind Detox. I’ve got to get over this and learn to be alone and not lonely!

    • Eddie Corbano February 12, 2013 at 7:33 pm #

      Thank you Kevin.

      You are on the right path… sometimes all it takes is a little inspiration, a small thought even to jump-start your healing.

      Now start the 60 days and don’t stop until you’ve checked off every single day… I am there for you…

      Your friend,
      Eddie

  22. Zady February 12, 2013 at 1:46 pm #

    After 8 years its strange how someone can just decide they don’t love you like they used to ,left me and my daughter 2weeks before the wedding for someone else .I have been on NC for 3weeks until a few days ago when he called to ask for his child he called the next day i picked up and he neva called again until the usual Monday morning guilty conscious of him bothers me again by sending instant messages asking about her .I can promise you the best thing is to keep no contact i was busy healing when picking up the phone brought me 3 weeks back to where i was .Thanks Eddie for the advice like they say we hear that Nc is the best way but sometimes we just don’t listen and its the only thing that’s gonna help you to get over that person even if it means keeping the kids away so that you can heal whether he abandon her is his problem but i need to build a future with my daughter and in order to do that i need her mom to be happy.So Thanks Eddie

    There’s a saying that says “rather cry now cause you’ve lost him instead of crying later cause you with them.”

    • Sandra February 12, 2013 at 5:54 pm #

      Very wise closing to your post. Eddie has been there.

      I have a special, shall we say, distaste for people who dump others when they are so close to the altar. I am sorry that this happened to you. You have a child, you have a life–don’t let this take you down too far. Build and fortify a life without him, and whatever you do: DON’T TAKE HIM BACK, IF HE ASKS. The answer should be a resounding and eternal “no” for this profound rupture and disrespect. You do not want to be with someone who can do such a thing to another. There is no need for anyone to marry someone they don’t want to. But I think you can develop the stones to tell them long before the wedding. It’s inexcusable.

      Usually, I am a little sweeter and gooier about these endings–cut a little slack, if possible, blah blah. But like I said—at the altar??? I don’t think so. That DIDN’T happen to me, or I assure you, you would have been getting this message from jail. Mine was bad enough.

      You sound pretty good, and that’s good. Keep up the fine work. Know that there are resources like this one, which is excellent. And there are people all around you who have been there and have borne this pain. And they’ve overcome. This is a shared experience that can open you heart and mind to the world, if you let. Let it. You deserve it.

      I send you my best wishes always!!

      • zady February 12, 2013 at 11:15 pm #

        Hi Sandy thanks for the aspiring words it makes it feels okay that you are not alone on this part that people all over the world knows the pain ure going through.

  23. Zady February 13, 2013 at 10:07 am #

    As you all know tomorrow will be one of the hardest days for us who is in pain when i think about it tears fill my eyes and the pain come sit in my heart .Me and my ex-fiance use to celebrate Valentines day every year and now people are raging about it everywhere all over the world and it seems like they forget about us who have no one to spoil us tomorrow and who are heart broken and in so much pain especially when we are the ones who never deserved to be treated and hurt in that way .What hurts me most is i know he will be with her buy her things like he did with me and it hurts like hell .Will the pain ever stop why does it comes and goes strong the one day and feel so weak the next.

    • Sandra February 14, 2013 at 4:25 am #

      Zady: it’ll be ok. I know it’s sad, but don’t let it being you turn far down. You’ve sustained an injustice. Fight back by tearing yourself as good as possible. I’ll think of you, and I wish you a fine Valentine.

      • Sandra February 14, 2013 at 12:18 pm #

        Made mistakes in my earlier reply. I meant don’t let sadness “bring” you down too far and to fight back by “treating” yourself as good as possible. And I still do!

  24. Helen February 17, 2013 at 4:49 pm #

    I’m into third month and still struggling. But I’ve read all this a couple of times now and I kinda get it, I will try and look at this opportunity in a different way.

  25. jesse February 21, 2013 at 12:57 am #

    I don’t know exactly what to say.. My boyfriend for a year wants space and time for himself. I can’t give him what he wants cause I’ve been really emotionally dependent on him. I said things that might hurt his ego, downgrading things. I am supposed to lift him up but I’m pushing him down.. and now he finds me irritating.. I don’t know what to do.. All I can do is cry no matter how I remind myself every now and then not to, but I still do.. I don’t know where to start and that’s my struggle.. No official break up yet, I approached him, talked to him, begged… but at the end of the day I can’t get him back, and it hurts a lot… this feeling’s killing me..

  26. sarah bullock February 25, 2013 at 5:20 pm #

    early days for me, but reading all the posts is giving me hope it,ll get easier. Will keep u posted.

  27. kiki March 7, 2013 at 11:46 pm #

    I really enjoyed reading this article and watching the video. Reading this gives me a different perspective of being alone during breakup recovery. Aloneness is actually a very precious part of us and it gives us great power to feel satisfied with being alone. I’ve been feeling consumed with recurring thoughts and memories when I’m by myself. And they cause me a lot of pain and sadness. At times, I felt terrified of being by myself because my mind would constantly bring back thoughts of pain and misery. Now, I am determined to build my little cozy home within myself.

  28. Louise March 10, 2013 at 11:35 pm #

    What a positive site. I keep coming back. It’s helped me so much because its so proactive and positive. Thanks so much. You don’t know how much it’s helped

  29. Melly March 19, 2013 at 5:17 am #

    My breakup is less than one week. Most of the things I’ve been reading seem to be about people who were “dumped” but I find that I am not the person who was dumped, yet I’m struggling with the same issues as if I had been dumped. It was not easy to leave. I so badly wanted it to work and be with this man I chose for life. We had alot of practice to get ready for the end because he would leave at the point where there was disagreement or conflict or when his communication or change in behavior was required. Some times he would leave for days and come back with so much remorse and sorrow and I would take him back. So much “practice” in being left and alone is what I had. I find that even though it’s early on, I still think about “what if we could try again and make it work?” despite all the times we tried. My head knows I cannot go back, my heart is taking time to catch up, but I don’t contact him and I won’t. This feels different because I’m leaving him alone completely despite the urges and I’ve explained clearly to him that I want a divorce. I know that you say to wait until 60 days of no contact to avoid being alone, however, I have become some what of an introvert but am not unhappy about that and find that while I dread going home after work, I don’t want to avoid it by filling the space and aloneness with other people and activities. I want to face it head on so that I can move through this discomfort and grief and become comfortable again in my own home…only by myself now. Is there harm in doing that before the 60 days? Thank you so much for your website. I don’t know how I stumbled across your website exactly but I did and at that perfect moment in time. Isn’t it funny how that works in life? Your site and words of experience have turned my moments of true despair into moments of clarity, sanity and direction. I come here now when I’m having a bad moment or day. So thank you. I believe that I can get through this and am allowing myself to grieve, feel and each moment I can do that, brings me closer to where I want to be, despite the fear, tears and multitude of emotions. Thank you again!

  30. Vinod March 28, 2013 at 8:15 am #

    Hi Eddie,

    Its Day 1 of NC and the 4th day of a painful breakup. I live in an asian country with a plethora of races and cultures. My ex and i were of different races and cultures. We went 1 year and 2 mths with only telling my folks. They were cool about it. We discussed telling her folks and we knew it would be uphill struggle with them but promised to fight for each other. The day before she told them, we said our good nights and our i love yous and the very next morning my relationship had ended. Her parents failed to approve of us and she decided to end it with me. It hit me hard, when our mutual friends told us that in the past few days she’s been going around talking about our issues to them. This makes the whole reason of her parents being the reason the breakup a huge question mark. It makes me realize that she simply wanted out and this was an excuse for her. It’s heart wrenching and mentally draining. After talks and hours of reflection i know now. She’s simply just not worth my time. The pain and hurt is raw but i am trying my best to move on. I have completed Day 1 of NC. I’d like to thank you for your words on your blog, its been an inspiration.

  31. David May 13, 2013 at 12:22 pm #

    Eddie Corbano, you are my hero!
    Whenever I feel down, I have a look at your wonderful and well written articles.
    Merci!

    David (Belgium)

  32. M May 22, 2013 at 6:10 am #

    It’s been about 40 days of No Contact since my partner of 8 years left me for someone else. I’m feeling less connected to my ex over time but I still get lonely. I have found things to distract me and ways to replace those things that we shared in other ways e.g. listening to CDs or mp3s rather than listening to him play guitar, reading political biographies rather than talking to him about it, etc. But I miss the physical intimacy and touch (even as simple as getting a cuddle when I’m sad) and don’t know what to do about that. I seem to be eating badly for comfort and gaining weight like a protective layer but I don’t want to do that anymore. Any ideas?

  33. rlyn July 30, 2013 at 1:11 pm #

    Hi Eddie,

    Just to express my thanks for this inspiring website. I find comfort in knowing that there are people around the globe who are still keen on helping distress in love.

    I surely feel all the articles on breakup and hope, although cant help to be pessimistic and bitter. I still have loads of questions on mind, why my relationship failed, when i believe I had done my fair share.

    I find hope reading your success in building yourself and having a wonderful marriage now.

    Again, thanks indeed for touching lives and spreading hope across all age, gender, nationalities…

    Kudos to you…

    • Eddie Corbano July 30, 2013 at 3:58 pm #

      Thank you for your kind words… and you are so welcome.

      Take the time you need, it takes as long as it takes. Some questions will be answered, most will become irrelevant. Make the recovery about YOU and not about your Ex.

      Hang in there!

      Your friend,
      Eddie

      • rosh July 30, 2013 at 4:17 pm #

        eddie…

        hope u remember me. its been 4 years since i broke up. it almost took 1 and half year to forget her and move on. well, looking through the past i feel i have grown up to be a fine man and matured enough. Some point of time i feel i needed this and it benefited me in lot of ways… so this a msg to all who r suffering.. hold on.. give it a time to heal. I know the pain and i have lived through it. and i am sure as time passes we all will be fine…

        regards

        rosh

        • rlyn July 31, 2013 at 8:28 am #

          hi, just happened to read your message. its a good inspiration to everyone… keep on moving and best of luck….

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