When you go through a breakup or divorce, everything reminds you of your Ex.
Sometimes it's kind of weird, (you'll know what I mean if you've been there). You make the silliest connections just to remind yourself of what has happened to you.
That's why I always recommend cleaning up your house and getting rid of everything that reminds you of your Ex. Nothing should evoke the past at home.
And remember what is most important:Do not torture yourself with unnecessary memories!
What do I mean by that?
There is this curious affinity to suffering.
Something forces us to rethink, to evaluate, to relive the moments of the break up again and again (see no 2. here) as if we would gain something crucial from it.
In fact, the exact opposite is the case: we suffer and move deeper and deeper into the vicious circle of negative emotions.
Why do we torture ourselves deliberately?
This is something I asked myself over and over again when I suffered from myÂ breakup.
This is the usual pattern I encounter very often in my personal coaching.
It is always the same sequence:
- There is an urge to think and reason about specific key situations with your Ex.
- You connect suffering to these memories.
- There is a further urge to deepen and reason these thoughts with the intention to ease the pain, (but this only leads deeper into pain).
- Any attempt to escape this pattern causes feelings of guilt
That's when we are caught in this vicious cycle of which it's tough to escape.
How do we escape this vicious cycle?
It's better not to get sucked into it in the first place, because once you're in it, you program yourself to the suffering path, and you get deeper and deeper into depression.
It'sÂ harder to escape this now than to avoid it right from the beginning.
The only way to not get pulled into it (and to escape from it once you're in) is Mental Control.
Our Monkey-Mind makes it sometimes impossible for us to follow our thoughts because there seems to be a lot of unconscious processes going on.
The key to Mental Control is to make these unconscious thoughts conscious and to learn to avoid or replace unwanted reflections.
This is often an arduous task to accomplish, especially in a high emotional state like a breakup or divorce is.
A big problem and an obstacle is step 4 in the sequence: not thinking about these Ex-memories causes guilt because you are under the impression that you MUST think about your Ex, that you have to keep him/her alive in your memories.
Forgetting him/her would mean betrayal.
This is WRONG thinking — a trick of our minds.
To control your thoughts and thereby suppress specific painful memories does NOT mean that you have to forget your Exes or the memories you have from the time you were together.
It only means that you refuse to torture yourself.
Being caught in this vicious cycle of memories doesn't have any point. You cannot get your Ex back with it, and you certainly will not gain a clue about the reasons why you broke up in the first place.
You will only postpone your healing process.
It'sÂ a critical fact to realize.
So, break through! Don't allow yourself to be pulled inside.
Here are some ways to avoid the cycle:
- Put your thoughts under a “surveillance-mode.”
Monitor your thoughts and note when you are thinking them.
- Do not take a whole day as a goal
Try a short period first and then expand it (“now I take one hour where I will not think about my Ex).
- Distract yourself at “difficult times.”
There are periods of the day when it's harder to control your thoughts. Distract yourself then: go to the gym, meet some friends …
- Don't take alcohol or drugs hoping to free your mind
It will backfire badly.
- Clean your apartment of the “Ex-Stuff.”
Do not leave anything behind. Put it in a box and hide it in the cellar.
- Don't listen to “break up songs” or watch “romantic love movies.”
They will only make you feel bad.
- Learn how to meditate
Meditation is an excellent way to master mental control (if not the ONLY way)
- Avoid negative people and resist the urge to “talk about it.”
To tell everyone about your breakup is characteristic of the 1st phase, and something that is recommended. But not forever.
Remember: emotional suffering isn't something that is imposed upon you by the outside world. It is the influence, but the pain is caused only by yourself.
It is caused by the way you interpret things in your life.
Remember that, and choke it off early.
Think good – feel good. That's a shortcut to healing from a breakup.