The Secret How To Get Over A Break Up

Healing a broken heart from a lost love seems to be the most challenging endeavor that anyone could imagine. A break up usually starts with a period of paralyzing shock, turning into helplessness and deep grief. It appears impossible to ever be happy again. Wouldn’t it be good if there was a secret showing how to get over a breakup?

What if I told you that a breakup or divorce can actually be looked at as a very good chance for you? Your opportunity? Look into the abyss and see who you really are! Do you believe this?

Well, I for one, do believe. Because it happened to me and I experienced it myself.

“You don’t know what love is
Until you’ve learned the meaning of the blues
Until you’ve loved a love you’ve had to lose
You don’t know what love is”

–Chet Baker

how to get over a breakup
Photo by Jennifer Krug

My own break up in 1998 was, on the one hand, the most terrible and painful incident that ever happened to me. On the other hand, the very best that happened to me. Sounds pretty paradoxical, huh?

For now, I would like to ask you just to take my word for it and read on, you will come to understand why.

The secret of how to heal a broken heart didn’t come to me just like that, nor have I read about it in a book or the like. As I have written on my about-me-page, I’ve had a break up coach. Not a professional one – just a very distant relative, who apparently called me out of the blue. (Today I know that it was no coincidence at all). He then introduced me to the two main concepts showing how to heal a broken heart.

He had been through a terrible divorce himself, as well as dealing with some other terrible things in his life. The measures he took, the thinking he developed, literally saved his life.

Isn’t it strange that each and every one of us has had, or will have, a certain point in our lives where we find ourselves standing at a crossroads? Ok, maybe not that strange – that’s how life works. Interesting though, is why some take the way to the right and some choose to go to the left. Some recover very quickly from their break up or divorce, and have grown from that experience. Others take many, many years to recover, and after that they are not the person they used to be, (usually in a negative way).

By the time I finally met with him, I had six terrible months behind me, full of self pity, tortuous pain, loneliness and infinite grief. I was past the first painful phase of a break up, but not yet ready to move on, to make the vital step towards healing.

At first I didn’t want to meet him, I didn’t want to meet anybody. But he insisted. This was my chance.

We met in a coffeehouse, and I’ll never forget what happened. He had heard what happened to me from other people, and after some chitchat, the first question he asked me literally blew me away.

He asked me: “Why do you think that SHE is responsible for your happiness?”

And this was it. So simple.

Healing A Broken HeartIn my eyes, it was her that I needed so badly in my life to be happy, to feel valuable. I held on to her to have a purpose, a meaning. I wasn’t happy on my own. It was she who made me go on, enduring myself. I absolutely didn’t love myself.

Of course I couldn’t think rationally at that time. But it was him who did the thinking for me.

He then explained his concept on how to get over a break up, how to lead a happy and fulfilling life, and how to develop a stable personality. Healing a broken heart was just a side effect of his concept.

Extreme suffering during a break up is always a sign that your mindset towards life and yourself is not correct.

The main two pillars of a stable personality, and therefore the main premise for a happy life, so he told me, are:

1. Complete and unconditional self-love

2. A very personal purpose in life

Wow, that made an impression on me.

Does this make sense to you? It took me some time to get it.

Only if you love yourself completely and unconditionally, and this means to accept the way you are, with all your weaknesses and strengths, can you also love others. If not, everything you do is looking for approval from others. You will be looking for their light, instead of using yours.

There are quite a few methods to work on self love. Some have been discussed here and some will be discussed in future articles. They all have in common that you must take a closer look into yourself and accept what you see. Finding your inner child, and using affirmations, are both very good ways to increase your self love.

The second very important secret is finding your purpose in life and pursuing it with all your heart.

What’s your purpose in life? Well, that’s the tricky part. I can’t help you much with that – that is something you have to figure out by yourself. I can only give you some tips on how to find it. There are some good books on that matter.

Deepak Chopra wrote in his book The Seven Spiritual Laws Of Success that your very purpose in life is your unique and very special talent. We have taken manifestation in physical form to fulfill this purpose. He calls it “Dharma”. Something, when you picture yourself doing it, your heart lightens up and you feel a warm feeling of happiness.

When you combine your life purpose with service to humanity, then you make full use of the Law of Dharma.

I second that.

Find something you love and are passionate about. Try to help other people with your talent and then simply be the best at it! There is no greater fulfillment than finding your life purpose and serving others.

Then you will not only have your blueprint for a happy life, you will eventually realize that you have gotten over your break up or divorce along the way.

How To Get Over A Break Up

If you are suffering through a break up or divorce right now, I sincerely wish for you to find your path, and come to a higher understanding of your true Self. Only then will you be ready to find the partner you deserve.

This is a small but vital fraction of the healing process. There are more things to consider, especially in the first phases directly after a break up or divorce.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

  • Bollybabe says:

    The problem of my date is, his try to digging me up to know me much, but when l digging him and try to know him suddenky he avoid me and keep a distance

  • Hi

    I have been i relationship for almost 2 years, a cuple days ago she said she want to break with me, the reason was she wants more space to know her self better. So she toled me im the perfect guy and she still love me but she has to do that. Something i found very wierd how can you love someone when you left him go? She makes me believe we had a future but now everything is brokeed i feel so down so sad. I dont know if i belive her. I feel like nothing have sence now. I really dont know what to do. But i got a lesson “never trust no one”. I think she is not telling me the truth. We are still contacting each other but i dont thing she wants back the telationship. Pls can you advice so should i keep contact her or forget about her and continue my way?

  • We just broke up after two years. It was sudden. Just days a go we were fine. I was no angel, but nothing that couldnt be fixed. We talked afterwards and the communication was the best it had been in awhile. I dont understand how she suddenly could make things clear, when in previous months not so much. I had a habit of leaving eveytime we had a slight argument. She said when I left she enjoyed her time alone, but in the next breath told me she just wanted me to stay and resolve things.
    She has not asked for her house key or for me to get my stuff. If I did the break up it would read, broke up, my key please, get your stuff.
    She answered a text and was going to call me last night, probably bad news, she apologized for not calling, and gave me her itinerary for the next two days. Why? To be courteous? Odd why care.
    She reads my text and IM’s and will respond to some. This morning I texted good morning, she texted good morning, busy day ahead. Again…WHY?
    It is heart breaking and because she responds confusing. We are both 53, and loved each other very much. She says she still loves me but cant do the walking out. Can I explain why I did that? Funny….NO.

  • I’m 16 months with 14 months no contact after break up with live n boyfriend of 6 years. Found out he was in a relationship with another women for 2 years. He had a house build and moved the new chick in. Told me he had to think about his past failed relationships and we were fine nothing changed. I found out he moved in with new woman from a friend of his family. His family said he was happy now move on. He is a selfish bastard who only thinks of his self. He doesn’t deserve good women but he continues to find us. To use us a drain us of our goodness. Since he’s been good I got my piece of mind and self respect back.

  • My boyfriend of 2 years suddenly broke up with me saying he could handle my insecurities and his own issues and then the next day he is in a relationship with another girl. I’m am heartbroken I was so in love with him. I mean things weren’t perfect but I thought we were getting through them together. This was my first serious boyfriend and were practically inseparable for the whole time. It’s so hard just want to cry all the time

  • I’ve actually found reading these articles quite theaputic.. I had a great girlfriend an through not totally dealing with past issues I’ve drove her away. We became close when I was going through a difficult time, she stood by me through everything and now 18months down the line I only have myself to blame for her having ended it. I’m not proud of my actions, she deserved better and it’s taken losing her to see the destructive path I was on.
    It’s been 3 months since we split now an I am getting worse by the day because I know exactly what I’ve lost and how I have let her down.
    We’ve spoken and she’s told me she’s spending time with someone else which has ripped my heart to pieces. It’s exactly what I deserve though.
    I woke up this morning determined to do the no contact thing, but I am struggling.. I’m crying uncontrollably and I literally do hate myself for the things I’ve done. I’ve been so stupid!
    I’m praying for a fresh start, and I know to do that I need to get back to me, deal with all the issues I’ve buried deep inside for far too long. (Self love) I’m hoping oneday she’ll miss me and reach out and we can go for a simple coffee and build something real, from the very beginning this time.
    It’s so hard holding on though, I don’t know why I want to torture myself. I’m even using this thread just as a place to vent.
    I read on here about people losing someone they thought they had something amazing with.. I actually had that too except I’m also the reason it’s ended! That’s a difficult thing to process.
    I regret so much, an I’ve made so many mistakes.. An now I’m getting a hefty dose of karma!
    I’m trying to focus on the positives an some of these messages have helped me knowing what I’m feeling is normal, and it’s helped just to switch off from it all for a few moments whilst reading them

  • I’m trying to get over my ex but we share a child together…I don’t know how to move on while having to see him and deal with him with regards to our child. Any recommendations?

    • My only suggestion is to communicate about the child and child only. There shouldn’t be any “how are you’s”. There shouldn’t be any “you look nice” and most definitely “I was thinking about you”. All of these are showing affection. If your ex brings up any phrase that does not pertain to your child only, simply ignore it. They are your EX for a reason. And when we feel lonely we tend to forget why we aren’t with them anymore. In due time things will change to the point of more or different conversation, but don’t fall into the trap now.

  • I have been in relationships before but the last guy I dated about 6 months ago for 7 months was my most serious relationship. We are just 19 and families were involved. That in India, is a HUGE deal. He broke up with me for a variety of reasons. Some valid, some pointless. He ill treated me after the break up and we emotionally hurt each other and he used to insult me and make up upset every chance he got. For 6 months post the break up, we knew what was going on in each other’s life as all our friends were mutual. Soon my mutual friends also cut me out completely and kept in touch with him. It was my worst break up and most dramatic. We lost contact about a month ago. When I saw his uploads on social media, 5 days ago he uploaded a sad quote on his social media. Around the same time he unblocked me from all social media. Today he starts texting me as if we have been friends forever and nothing ever went wrong. He asked me to come to a place, he asked me about my pet and casual conversation. I asked him if we were talking and he said that he doesn’t want anyone to know that we talk. When I told my best friend, she mentioned that he has come into my life just to make things right before the year ends so I don’t bother him if he is dating someone else and so he doesn’t carry the excessive guilt in the next year. Please help me figure out his intentions.

  • Spanish Kiss says:

    I walked in on my fiancé with his ex gf in our bed. I am past the shocked stage. I did leave him and moved out. I am very hurt so hurt I did mess with my ex, which is his best friend. I am lost and I can’t understand how he could do this shit too me. It’s been five months. My heart is broken and I don’t want love anyone ever. I don’t even want speak to him anymore. It’s been two weeks since we talked he’s still fucking his ex and talking to another he said he liked. Guys are cruel and selfish. There no point in loving anyone ppl are lie, cheat, and flirt. This world is so fucked. I hate everything and I can’t stop thinking about that day I came home five months ago.

    • Hi,
      When did this happen? Which year?

  • Hi,

    My boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue three weeks ago. He is going through some emotional stuff and has PTSD, and said that he still wants to see me but no longer wants any labels. He says he loves me and wants a future with me. We have been spending a lot of time together and when we are together it feels as though nothing has changed. He still kisses me and tells me that he loves me every day. However, he is now constantly messaging other girls and has taken down all pictures of us off social media.
    We have so many similar interests and I’m completely in love with him. He is the one for me. He says that he needs about 2 months of not being in a relationship but still wants to see me. What does this mean? I don’t want to lose him or for him to lose love and interest in me? please give me some advice! Thank you! Sharon

  • On 1 June my husband of 5 years went to stay at a friends for a few days to clear his head. I thought he was maybe suffering a little depression so I encouraged it to give him space.
    For the first 2 weeks he kept telling me he loved me & that he hadn’t given up on our marriage. Over the next 2 weeks he stopped contact. On 17 July I got a text essentially ending our marriage. On 4 Oct he came & got his things & said it was too late to save our marriage because he didn’t feel anything for me anymore. Yep, in only 4 months it went form love to nothing.
    I have since found out that after only 5 days out of the house he started texting someone else. When he came & got his things they were already living together & had been for about 2-3 months.
    It doesn’t matter that I still love him because he has proven to be a lying, cheating, deceiving, cowardly, runaway husband & I would be a fool to take him back (which is not in the cards because he’d never admit he made a mistake anyway).
    However it has been almost 6 months & I still can’t get him out of my system so I’m hoping this will help me move forward & far beyond the heartache & to a place where I feel comfortable being myself.

    • Hi,
      Was this a recent event?

  • So.. my wife of 14 years has decided that we should separate.. we have 2 children 13 and 11. and i have decided to move out of the family home, mainly for my own sanity i guess. its has been so hard just trying to work out WHY..?? what happened, what did i do wrong..? I gave them a lovely home, everything they ever wanted. and paid for everything.
    The reason I married here, was she got pregnant with our first child, but this was because she came off contraception without telling me… but did the Honorable thing and marrying her.
    I am now living alone.. no close friends to talk to and feeling as if my depression to just dragging me down into a space so dark and cold.
    I have now found out she had an affair for the past few months and has basically been lying to me every day..she just wanted me for all the good points i offer, like money, but her new BF for the physical side.. but i have also found out her BF is also married..
    It hurts so much to think of her with someone else.. it rips my heart out. and i fear for my 2 kids.. as i can see her new relationship being an issues as he is married….
    So i found this site..
    I have only just started the NO CONTACT RULE.. and i can say, i think it is starting to work.
    I am focusing on what up lifts me – which is work. sounds funny i know, but the time flys when you get your head down.
    I am going to make the lists Eddie has recommended – I feel this is also going to help when i “snap” my rubber band..
    It is dark, it is cold, but i will use my strength and my own humor to get through this.. when i look back, my Ex really took me for a ride. don’t get me wrong we have 2 great kids, but the way i was treated, and now the new revelation of her affair, has told me i am better off without her.
    Thank you Eddie.. you are making me change my life for the better..

    • Hi Simon,
      When did this happen? Which year?

  • Very inspiring stories, I hope all you guys are getting better.

    My boyfriend and I were together for almost 3 years, living together the last 8 months. He is turning 24 and I am 27, and that has always been an issue in my mind and I did use to tell him, as I was afraid of what just happened. He left me 10 days ago, we were having some troubles in the last months as I am facing some heavy family problems back in Brazil (I am half Danish and have been living in Copenhagen for the last 6 years, and he is Danish) and even though I could feel he was there for me as a best friend, he allowed the relationship to fail, as I obviously have been weak with my other problems, so I believe it was his responsibility to keep it up.

    So, we tried to make a 3 day trip to try and save the relationship, the morning we came back I went straight to work and in the afternoon he sent me a message asking when I would be home. So, I got home in the evening and none of his things were there. He was waiting for me to explain himself saying that he believed this was the best thing for both of us. Even though I knew that things were not perfect with our relationship, I didn’t expect this “surprise”. I was very angry and put him out of home without allowing him to talk to me about it.

    I was in pieces from that Friday night until Sunday morning. So, I decided to call him (even if agains all my friends´s advice to not do so) because he was leaving the next Friday (4 days ago) to a 2 month trip to California that was already planned before, and I could not bear the idea that he would leave for two months and we would not have a grown-up conversation to end things in a proper way, because by then in my mind, I needed to have him as a friend because there was no “negative-concrete” reason for him to leave him and I want to have good memories, and even though he is too young and left me in a really terrible way, I cannot find reasons to keep that hurt-anger in my heart.

    So, he immediately agreed to meet me and we had a very good break-up conversation where I cried a lot, and he did so too. He told me that I am an amazing woman and I do not deserve to wait for him to be ready for such a serious relationship as we were having, because that is the only reason for him to break up: he is not ready for it.

    I had planned my life with him, I have always been crazy in love with him since I met him, he went two times with me to Brazil to meet my family, we had a happy relationship with almost no fights, we were very happy living together, but I knew there was something missing in there, I always did, but I thought it was just his Nordic cold heart and he also said so: I am son of a military guy and Danish, it is hard for me to express my feelings…but he did learn along the way! We are a very good fit and as he told me himself in this break up talk: I know we could be very happy in a marriage, we are a very good fit, but I am not ready for it, and I don’t think it is fair for me to hold you back, because I am not being able to be there 100% in the relationship for you and you deserve to be 100% happy all the time.

    Last week was my time to suffer, but I have a lot of friends who were there for me and made me not suffer as much as I would have imagined my days. I talked to him by message three days ago when he was already in California, and after I kept on saying I was afraid he would regret his decision and I am afraid I will have moved on by then, he said: I am sure we are not going back together.

    Maybe it was good for me to hear that, because now I am putting in my head that regardless if he loves me or not, if he told me the real reason or not, if he will regret his decision or not, he left me, he gave up on us and gave up on me as a friend exactly when I needed him the most with all my family problems. And all this hurts like hell. I have had three break ups before, but nothing ever hurt like this, and I did love my ex boyfriends a lot, but I guess by then I was young and as it was me who broke up, I was being as rational as my current boyfriend, and not really understanding how much it hurts to be this rational, I feel like saying sorry to my ex-ex boyfriends if I ever made them suffer the way I am doing now. But that is life, right?! You only really understand others pain when you have been there.

    I know it is very recent, 10 days and I have contacted him 2 times, I really want to make it without talking to him until at least when he is coming back from California. Because as Eddie says, that would be the perfect time for me to get over it. I am afraid it is too early for me to be able to go through the process of healing, but I will try as much as I can. I am currently having an internship in my dream job, I have a lot of friends who are showing an overwhelming support and I know I deserve to be with someone who makes me happy, I have been a very nice girlfriend to him and I only deserve the same back!

    Taking each day as it comes, I will move on, and I hope everyone else in here will as well. Maybe my ex will regret, maybe he won’t, so Im not taking that chance, now my goal is to be happy before he can be happy himself, and I know I can do it!

    Thank you Eddie for your support!

  • Hello,

    I have read Dealing With Anger After A Break Up Part 1 and I was really shocked that all of the topics there are really happening to me right now.

    I am writing to you as I don’t know who to talk this out. I have friends but not best friends, I hesitate to open up to them because they also have their own problems and they would not really care. Well, yes, they will give their sympathy but that’s it. I am looking for a literal way on how to get over this situation I am in.

    Now the situation that I am in is that we broke up due to several reasons. But the most crucial or most depressing fact that I have to face each day is that we are workmates, we are in the same group or team which really drives me crazy if he needs to train and work close to a newbie.

    I have been really bad. angry, depressed and I even think of suicide or resignation from work, but then I realize that it’s not a good idea and it never will be.

    I hope you can help me with ‘literal’ ways on how to move on with an ex who’s just 100inches away from me.

  • My wife of 13 years left me to go back to the father of her child. The child that I had raised since she was 6 months old she knew me as her father. It has been over a year now since she left, and 8 months after she left I developed cancer. So I was not only getting over loosing my family I had a horrible health scare to deal with. And in between my wife was still in contact with me telling me how much she loved me and wanted me back. That was all lies and deception by her she cheated on me many times over the years that we were married. I stayed one because of my daughter I love her so very much ,another reason is I didn’t want to be alone but after going through the battle with the cancer witch is coming to an end hopefully after 5 months. Doing it by myself I realized that I can battle alone and I am stronger than I thought I was for years. And o have just discovered this course and it has helped me as well in a very short amount of time.

  • No Contact (NC) definitely works. It gave me time and space to realize how bad the relationship was. I’ve realized that I was with a narcissist; and am now dealing with trying to heal myself from the abuse and total loss of who I was.

    You have to realize that you deserve better and that you will heal in time. I’m using this time to become a better, stronger man. I won’t ever let myself be abused like I was. To abuse someone verbally, emotionally and physically is not love at all.

    I’m on day 11 of no contact and am finally starting to sleep better. My mind gets a little clearer each day. Yes, the pain of losing her is tough, but then I think about being hit in the face, being called a loser, that “I was a joke to her”, all the money she used me for, and I think of the cheating and the constant lying. I thank God that she left me. She was right about one thing- I was a loser for being with her and taking the abuse. My intentions were good as I truly loved her unconditionally. The only problem was that I didn’t love myself enough not to be abused. I’ll never make that mistake again.

    I wasn’t perfect in the relationship and realize my mistakes. I put up a wall and detached myself when the abuse became too much. It was my defense mechanism in order to survive. I’ve learned so much about myself- why I dated a woman like her, to love myself again, and what I want in my next relationship.

    Thank you, Eddie. Your site and your Ex-Detox book have helped me tremendously.

    • Ana Dos Santos says:

      I was just reading this and I found very interesting that I could relate so much. Its sad the amount of love and time we give to people who doesn’t deserve anything. I’m going through the same issues. The Non Contact is so important. I hope all is well 🙂

    • heyy im so curious about how your life is going on right now? i can relate to your story and its almost been a year since you posted it. how is it now? your life?

  • My no contact was continually sabotaged by both me and my Ex for the first few weeks after the breakup. We were, arguing by text and email once or twice a week. Then I sent her a short but direct text and said goodbye and not to contact me at all. That was on my own before I knew about Eddie’s program. I managed to put together 30 solid days and I succumbed to the pressure while I was in Honduras on a mission trip and texted her when I had Wifi after 5 days of no communication with the outside world. We actually had a normal and nice conversation by text. But I ended up so angry with myself. And Eddie is absolutely right, all of the pain and grief came crashing down on me 10 fold. I sent another text from Honduras and was cold and direct. I reminded her that it was she who decided she no longer wanted me in her life and said, “Do not contact me, ever again! It’s over and we both have to live with that!” I nearly passed out from the stress when I sent that.

    I called my communication carriers and her blocked every way conceivable and started again. I put together three good weeks, was feeling better, and she bypassed my cell providers blocking software by dialing like she had an international phone, 0+1 and my number. She sent a text saying that she was concerned about my mother! My mother is in a nursing home and very ill. But it was me who succumbed to the pressure, responded, and worse yet called her!! I couldn’t help myself. Same result, tears, anxiety, etc. Finally on 8/25/15 eight weeks after the breakup and after eight weeks of sheer agony, I bought the Ex-Detox system.

    I wrote her a final No Contact and Goodbye letter and have been doing okay since. So far it’s hard because of the times I had contact with her since the June 27 breakup. But she dumped me. And it seems when I stick to my guns and give her something to miss she tries to find a way to get through the gauntlet. But I feel more prepared to handle it now because of Eddie’s book and the inspiration I draw from it. She was the one who lied, cheated, would not commit, and dropped me like a hot rock! I have 18 days NC now! I’ve been following all of Eddie’s advice and spending time on me! I work out daily, eat right, and sleep as best as I can. I spend time with family and friends and am planning on the rebuilding of my life! Thanks to this program, which I am now working to the letter and feeling better every day.

    Don’t give in NC’ers! NC works! Work the program. Read the articles. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. And it’s a bright, warm, beautiful light shining only on me!

  • Thankyou Eddie., I now want to spend time to know myself, before I seek to know another
    God bless you

  • Thanks for the article Eddie. i have learnt that m responsible for my own happiness n no one else is. Am considering my situation as a breakthrough to self realization. I no longer want him back.

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