A few months before my breakup happened, everything seemed fine.
It wasn’t all perfect, but still … we were together.
So I thought.
I felt, however, that my affection towards her wasn’t built on healthy ground.
The love I had for her began to feel more and more like a painful dependence than actual love.
I remember talking to a friend a few months before the actual breakup happened.
I remember saying something to him that sounds so terribly sick to me today, but actually perfectly defined my psychological condition which I’ve described above.
He confided in me his worries about the relationship with his girlfriend, and that they had somehow grown apart.
He was worried that they were going to split up.
I remember it as if it had happened yesterday. I told him that I was sorry, and added this little sentence to it:
“If my girlfriend were ever to leave me, my life would be over.”
A few months after that, I was dumped for real.
And it just felt, for a relatively long time, exactly as if my life was over.
It was a self-fulfilling prophecy.
That little sentence, which I added so lightly back then, as though I was bulletproof from heartbreak, revealed a lot about me at that time.
It was the arrogant statement of someone who felt that he was doomed. Someone who would rather take the “easy way out” than deal with his own shortcomings.
What did that say about me, and could it be your problem too?
The Bottomless Pit
” She lacks confidence, she craves admiration insatiably. She lives on the reflections of herself in the eyes of others. She does not dare to be herself.”
– Anais Nin
During the whole relationship, I strongly believed a few key things that I now know defined how I reacted towards her.
These beliefs happen to shape our whole relationship.
I felt that SHE was the best thing that had ever happened to me. That she was the most beautiful girlfriend I’d ever had – and here it comes – that I didn’t deserve her at all.
Being with her felt as if Cupid had made a terrible mistake.
I distinctly remember that this was my main and strongest belief – that she was way too good for me.
Such a belief is very powerful, and it will take its toll eventually … and so it did.
“You just don’t love yourself much, do you?” someone said to me after it happened.
And that was right on, the underlying issue was a lack of self-love and self-esteem.
What happens then is that you define YOURSELF through this relationship. You experience self-worth only through your partner.
And this will lead to all kinds of toxic relationship symptoms:
- You will be overly jealous
- You will be controlling and demanding
- You will think that you are the only one who cares for this relationship
- You will suck the life out of the relationship by making it all about you
And all of this makes sense when you keep in mind that you have to feed this hungry and all-consuming need:
Receiving self-worth from your partner.
The moment this toxic and selfish need isn’t met, you will feel bad … and manipulate your partner into feeling the same.
It’s a bottomless pit.
It will become a destructive pattern that will eventually cost the relationship.
Are You Making This Same Mistake?
Why am I telling you this?
Should you suffer from a breakup right now, chances are that you went through a similar pattern.
I’m not saying that it was you who destroyed the relationship with toxic behavior because not all of us resort to such behavior when this need of significance isn’t met.
Many of us withdraw, become depressive, disconnect and maybe fall into a passive aggression pattern.
But what most of us have in common is the lack of a sense of our worth, a strong disconnection from our real ME.
The good news is that when you know what the disease is, then you can start looking for a cure.
It’s easy to fall into despair when you can’t connect the dots, and you’ll just feel like you are racing the vicious cycle of failed relationships.
When you suffer through a recent breakup, and you believe that you fall into the above-described category, then there are three things you must do:
- Remove your “Self-Worth Giver” , (go No-Contact)
- Reconnect to your true self
- Work on your self-worth, (self-love, self-esteem and an additional “secret component” )
By the way, these are two of “The 7 Steps To Authentic Love” that I teach in my DETOX Course, (which is part of my new “Authentic Love Program” ).
Conclusion
– Stacey Charter
The sentence I said to my friend so many years ago perfectly predicted my future suffering.
It condensed so well what my core problem was, and how it pervaded and corrupted the relationship I had.
This was, of course, only ONE of the reasons for my breakup.
The other main one was a huge incompatibility between the two of us, and a bunch of minor things.
All of which I’ve learned about in my recovery, and the relationship inventory that I've made.
If you find yourself struggling with similar things that I did back then, then I urge you to work on yourself.
Work on yourself hard and break that cycle of failed relationships that you are most probably going to go through your whole life.
Because one fatal peculiarity of looking for self-worth outside of yourself is that it doesn’t really go away.
It keeps sabotaging your relationships and attracting the wrong partners.
That is why we keep running into the same kind of relationships over and over again.
Start to break the cycle today and attract the right partner for you.
So that sometime in the future, instead of the sentence I said, you might say:
“I love being in this relationship, but if it were to end for whatever reason, I would be OK, I won’t lose myself.”
This is what I wholeheartedly wish for you.
Do you have an idea why your relationship ended? Please share in the comment section below.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
Thank you Eddie..!! Your explanation of your situation during and after your relationship is very similar to mine with just a major difference of us actually being very compatible in our lifestyles, or so I thought. I met a woman last March through an online dating site, because that’s the way it’s done nowadays unfortunately. I do not work in an environment where meeting women is probable (I work in an office with a bunch of dudes) and I am NOT a pickup guy, I just can’t do that and I don’t like going out too much anymore. Anyways, we hit it off right away and spent all the time together for months. I would stay at her house pretty much every night after we decided to be exclusive. It was awesome, we had talked about living together in the future, traveling when both of our kids were off at college, etc etc. However and eventually those conversations stopped and the physicality of the new relationship starting decreasing. I am a very affection guy and like the physical aspect of a relationship just as much as anyone would but when it slowed down I started having negative thoughts. Why is she not as affectionate as she once was, why does she want to spend more time with her friends, and alone. We would have discussions about this more than once and it never really got any better. What was going on I kept thinking. It turns out she started feeling pressured by it all and needed to back up, but we continued to be together, but it wasn’t the same a couple months later. After more than one instance of us going out with her friends and it leading to a meltdown, mostly by me seeing things that I didn’t like, valid or not, it ended. I said some awful things to her during this low time trying to call her out on why she was doing the things she was, which of course only made things worse. Much to my own fault, I could not let her go and we kept in contact and I heard about all the fun things that she was doing that we had always planned on doing, going out, football games, this and that. It got me very down that I could barely function at work or leave the house and she could continue on and go out and have fun with friends and family. We ended up spending some time together over the holidays and we eventually got back together earlier this year. But of course after a night out with her friends and family and having too much to drink, I snooped into her phone again while she was away from the table, thinking there had to be something going on. I was madly in love with this woman and thought for sure she was the most beautiful woman I have ever met and on the face of the earth. I would do ANYTHING for her but after six months of minimal reciprocity I just created situations that would turn out negative. I thought for sure that she was holding out for someone better. Let me say that all of my previous relationships I was never insecure or doubted the relationship at all. if it ended, which I always knew they would either by me or them, it really wouldn’t have mattered too much as I was not “in love”. I can say for certain that I was definitely in love for the first time with this woman but didn’t think my level of love was being returned. So of course the relationship imploded again and for the last time as I am sure the love that she said she had for me once is gone for good. I have now learned that putting someone on that much of a pedestal and making them your world is very over pressuring and actually a turn off. I was not me anymore, I was someone that would just do anything to make someone else happy. I was over compensating with fancy dinners and other things thinking that if I didn’t show her great times then she would find someone that would. Well that only lead to the relationship ending and me being broke..!!! In conclusion, after reading your post here, I know I have to get back to being ME and let go. It’s just very hard to do, I am constantly thinking of her and what she is doing and due to the contact we still have I still hear about all the great stuff that she has done and has planned coming up with her best girl friend and I am not even a consideration, which really hurts cause even when we weren’t together she would always be my first choice should something out of the ordinary come up. I know things will be better for me in time and I’ll get back to being the awesome cool guy that I once was, but right now just feel like I am a wreck. I find myself thinking of ways to plan things that I know she will be at, which actually is the case in a couple weeks. I told her I would change the day I was going to this event to which she said I should leave it cause she always wanted us to do this thing together but of course she is bringing her friend that she always brought to fun things instead of me. It is now making me nervous to see her there as I am still very much attracted to her and whenever we do see each other I can barely look at her because of all the negative things that were done. I am trying to be strong and take the stance that the day this is scheduled is the day that is really good for me and the day I want to go and i’ll just have to suck it up and deal with most likely running into her. I know I need to just cut off all communication but I can’t do it. Love is a game, i’m not sure about that, but it is certainly very hard and confusing sometimes.
Thanks for your articles as they have shed some light on what I am doing and how to start handling them.
Hi Eddie,
This story is 99% like mine.
How long did it take you to get over this break up? When did you start your next relationship?
(sorry, if my questions too personal).
Thank you for sharing this experience!
Hi Eddie, I just found your website today. I feel like you have hit some points very spot on. I have been dumped by my fiancé. We were together for 12 years and one day he says he had a grudge against me and then we took a break (should’ve just broken up when he first said it!) then the breakup text and silence. He moved on and started “dating” within a month. He’s passive aggressive and blamed me for the whole breakup. I returned the ring because he said he didn’t know if he loved me and he didn’t know if he wanted to get married. It hurt to hear that so I naturally returned the ring but I also said I wanted it back when he was ready. He obviously wasn’t ready to give it back. He blamed me for that and for asking him to push our wedding back (I wanted to save money and save enough to live on our own) and till this day does not say that he wanted to leave before all this. He says that his friends and coworkers say that he was used to me and that we didn’t have anything in common. That’s all BS, but he’ll say anything to make himself feel better. I think the no contact rule is a great rule. However, I don’t know if I’m following it correctly. I have a Instagram where he follows me and I dony follow him. Should I block him? I honest to god to still him, but the fact that he’s dating and not taking responsibility for his actions are the driving force of me healing. I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t take him back if he came back tomorrow, but my brain says that’s a terrible idea that only leads to more heartache. So at the end of the day I miss him terribly and I’m trying to see the silver lining. Please give me thoughts and opinions. Thanks!
Hello Eddie, Im new to this site. And ive been reading your articles with intensity each morning. I wait for the next email from you and i have slowly began the no contact rule . Its extremely hard for me to do because we share four children together two of which are teenagers and require us to stay in contact with each other. It also gets harder when he who initiated the seperation by cheating again always ask for us to get back together. This I know will neverr happen this time because this cheating time happened with my sister. This is a great betrayal which cause me to breakdown. He seems to be confused and doesnt want according to him “loose me”, what makes it worse my sister (whom i dont speak with anymore “, may be pregnant. The even crazier thing is I cant make myself stop loving him. Im angry, feel betrayed, i dont sleep much, but still required to work every day and finances and deal with teenage problems. How do you get through this without being hospitalized. My world Is fallen apart. And i wait on your word each day for support. If you get this Eddie please respond. If anyone has any advice please give. Thankyou
thanks for your suggestion. i had to break up the 1month contact/relation for caste problem for parents wish. it’s unfortunate in this era.
I love being in this relationship, but if it were to end for whatever reason, I would be OK, I won’t lose myself”
This is exactly what I say to myself and others at present.
Id like to add one more thing. Back then I had weak boundaries. I thought that any cute girl was good enough for me. I ignored all the signs that we were not that compatible. Now after the break up my boundaries are stronger. I no longer want any girl. Well I am 33 already and I no longer want a girl. I want a woman. A woman that knows what she wants. A woman that is looking for the same as I am. A woman that is willing to work towards a great relationship and is willing to compromise and find a way. What I mean is that I no longer wants a girl that does not know yet what she wants. A girl that is looking for fun only and no commitment. I want a woman with strong boundaries . A grown up woman that can appreciate her man’s commitment and work. The same attributes that I am willing to put forward to my future relationship.
Eddie you are right…
I too defined myself through the relationship I had with her. Thus the pain from breakup hurt like a mofo. I felt like I lost half of me. I still am not sure what has happened with her that she decided to break up though I do assume. New job in a new town with new friends makes all the difference right? Afer she moved (i was supposed to as well a bit after) I saw her changing week by week getting colder and colder towards me. funny thing is that at the beginning I was the one leading and she was the dependent one. I do not know when but we did gradually change the roles. I kept on falling in love with her more and more while she was falling out of love. I thought that we will never break up yet we did. I am still thinking of her or more like the image of her when things were all ok. I do know now that we are not compatible. She no longer turns me on. Though I cannot get that old image of her out of my head. We no longer have much to talk about. Well we do not meet any longer but when we meet once in a while through our common friends I have nothing to say to her. I am not interested in her life anymore. Yet still miss her from time to time. She is not a bad person to the contrary. However, I no longer trust her with any words. I hope I will meet one dat a more compatible girl that Ill be able to connect to on a deeper level. After 2 or more years (cant remember any longer) after the break up I can see now that we were not that compatible at all. I guess she was right to break up. We would only kept on hurting each other by being toghether.
I’m 1.5 yearfrom a break up with my ex bf. We were together for 3 years.. I didn’t see the breakup coming..we looked at engagements many times. I didn’t want it to end! I loved him and still do! I was ask on a date for this weekend. This will be my first date since the breakup..I agreed to the date ( he is cute and our conversation flows) but I have this weight on my heart that I’m moving forward without my ex.. It hurts! I don’t want to miss out on this new guy.. Ugh! I’m i crazy?
I endured through 7 years of not being treated well at all, being on the bottom of his priority list and even cheating on his end. Amongst other things. I lost who I was and the longer I stayed my self esteem and self worth plummeted. I am 9 days with NC, it has been hard at times. It ended badly as we would both bring out the worst in each other. I am not the person that I was in that relationship and I will be working long and hard on myself to never let a situation get to that point. I will be having my first therapy session next week. Looking forward to attracting the right person for me in the future.
Great post. Your emails have also been great. This post is extremely accurate and thought provoking. Thank you Eddie. If I’ve ever had doubts, I’m now convinced you really do know exactly what you are talking about. 🙂
Its been great help im now not sad because of break up but money im sure i will attract good partner and live in present , past will haunt but im ready ti fight , thanks for the past will wait fir next post from your end
Eddie,
Everything you discussed was perfectly right.
I went through all what you have thought and experience and I looked back and say “what was I thinking then”?
it was an unfortunate thing that happened to me but now I look at it as a gift and reawakening.
That painful experience made me a better person, wholesome, real and yet loving.
Thank you again.
What about you? How is your love life? Do you have a family now?
I’m happily married since eight years now with two six-year old twin girls :)… so my breakup definitely changed my life to the better. Thank you for asking.
Eddie, my relationship ended because of a peculiar reason…a reason on hearing which you’ll pity on me. Actually we got caught by my girlfriend’s uncle…this was what had happened: I had given her a birthday card (typically decorated…as a lover would give) and her uncle saw it one day. He made her swear that she would not talk to me ever, whatever it takes. And my gf is a family patron..I mean she would not forsake her family for anyone..not even for me..but yes, I know that she still love me, though secretly. I came to know from her friend that she doesn’t want the world to tag her as “unfaithful” , “disloyal” etc…even she wants that everything returns to normal again..the only thing is she is confused…it’s been a long time now and I don’t know what should I do to make the ralationship work again…please help me out..anyone please..I’m in dire need.
This article, sum up all I read it on this website until now, this website was very helpful to me(I am in 5 1/2 months of break/NC from a 10y relationship, a very toxic one for me), it make me to look inside me, to look at the darkest part of my soul and mind, and I start to understand why I was left, why I am not or was not happy, because of my lack of selfesteem, selfworth and selflove, ohhh I hated my self so much to not be able to do what others wanted/expected from me, I think I was the bigest enemy of my self…so I started the step 2 and 3 some 3-4 months ago; I feel better about me , but are still works to do, but I know what I want from life for me, I think I have second chance to make it right (I have 37y, so in the eyes of society , I am late to the “party”(baby, wife, familly, house, car, stabel job,etc)), to make it right for me from me…it easy now when I know what was the bigest problems,I will work hard but I will not give up…
Yes I know why my marriage failed. I took a lot of work but I know now. My has a BPD and I suffered years of verbal abuse. When she couldn’t manipulate me an longer she moved on to another victim and left me cold and in financial ruin. I will not say I had no part in the break-up because I know I did. But the horror stories that I lived through are nightmarish and will take a long to heal, and to find that all important person me. I have had no contact with ex for 6 months. Not going to say it is easy, but is necessary in the healing process. Eddie emails have helped me tremendously. especially during the times when you are looking desperately to hang on to that makes any sense. I m grateful.
Eddie, I agreed with you 100%, because that was my downfall too. I was looking for her validation and reassurance that she loved me. After many years of ups and downs related to neither one of us feeling sincerely loved, needed, wanted, and appreciated for who we are, she ended our relationship. I got some excellent tips from you in order to expedite my recovery (NC). Now, I can see clear as water that I became too emotionally attached almost to the point of dependency to her and she noticed and played some mind control games. That is when our long term relationship shifted patterns and went the wrong way. From my break up, I have learned not to seek emotional & personal validation in another human being. It is fine to give love as long as you are getting love back. You know what happen when you give without receiving, you feel used and even mad that your partner is not seen our good intentions. That is because she was pursuing her own emotional & physical gratifications and when we don’t get it from our partners, we go someplace else for it (Human Nature). I have learned form this breakup that since I’m not broken, I don’t need her or any other female to make me complete. God created all of us complete. I stopped looking for validations outside of myself knowing that we don’t need to be needy, empty, lonely, sad, and perhaps mad with ourselves for not getting our emotional & physical needs fulfilled. Only you can make yourself happy. We can’t give love without first loving ourselves. We can’t truly and sincerely give what we don’t have. Thanks Eddie and keep up the good work.
This article really helps me understand myself and the breakup that I just went through. In my case, my feelings of low esteem caused me to break it off. I was in a loving and fulfilling relationship but I was afraid to commit, I was preoccupied with trying to find something better. I took what was in front of me for granted then ended it. I realized too late that I threw away something beautiful. I felt free in the relationship and that was love, now I can’t stand myself and the mistake I made. I’m finding it very hard to move on even though I have an opportunity in front of me with sometone new. I’m so scared to make the same mistake. I’m afraid of my ego. I know I must carry on and learn to be comfortable in my skin. The hardest part is forgiving myself for breaking my own heart. I’m going through the motions now and it takes so much energy but I am determined to love myself completely and find a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
How long ago was your breakup? Maybe it will get better with time
“..I am determined to love myself completely and find a healthy and fulfilling relationship.” Just what I needed to see today. Thank you for sharing that. When I read your comment it felt like you were on the same position as that of my ex. He was also non-committal. He also broke up with me surprisingly after all the loving and care I gave to him. Your comment made understand my ex and help me one day forgive him. I think he has unresolved issues about commitment. Whatever it is, I hope he and you, too, will find light about what truly matters about loving and about being in a committed relationship. I, too, hope to find a healthy and fulfilling relationship. I hope to find someone who would be there for me, not give up on me when I am at my worst and who deserves me when I am at my best.
Hi David,
I can relate to what you say about struggling to forgive yourself. She first expressed her wish to be apart in July last year. Wanted to think things over on her own, despite my protests.I did a lot of soul-searching within the six months that followed, read a lot, wrote a lot in a desperate attempt to become a better self. And throughout all this time we were in touch and I’d assure her there was still hope for us, that I could still create, not destroy. Well, we got back together around the Xmas of 2014 and was I over the moon! Tried to be real careful this time in order to meet all of her needs and live up to her expectations of what a truly close relationship looked like. And to avoid the mistakes I had made right at the beginning of our relationship, which was having some female friends she didnt know about. When she came back to me I thought she’d accepted my apologies and finally let the unfortunate past stretch out in its grave. But it wasn’t so. Two months into our reconciliation, once again she voiced her concern and inabilty to decide whether she wanted us to be together. She asked for more time apart to which I foolishly agreed thinking perhaps she shouldn’t see me as being too pushy/needy/selfish in my needs to spend a lot of time with each other. Only this time it turned different. She had little interest in keeping in touch, would only speak when spoken to, didnt want to meet always coming up with some excuses. And she would party a lot with friends, but never asking me to join in.All those little red flags which I ignored for the fear of being walked out on. The last time we both went out to a gig she had her cell on all the time and I could see from the corner of my eye that she was chatting with someone on FB, but was too scared to ask her. Needless to say, she finally walked out on me into another relationship, but I had to ask a direct question she couldnt dodge. And it happened one sunny day in April, exactly 35 days ago, at workplace as we’re colleagues. I hadn’t had to go through such pain before and my sense of guilt was back, and the regret as I had been down this road before, back in the summer of 2014. When I think of all the promises I made back then, all the conclusions I was able to draw, the observations I was able to make, the suffering gets enormous and it’s impossible to see any light at the end of this tunnel. Sometimes your love’s not enough, the damage you did a long time ago is as fresh as ever and people move on while keeping you on hold for their own fears. You can’t fix others, but you must work on yourself. All those trying to survive this excruciating pain – stay strong.
It was a beautiful read thank u. Im 8 months into break up of my boyfriend of 5 years. A lot of things contributed to our breakup. My lack of enough financial means since i was totally invested in my small biz. His lack of job for 3 years since he had quit a super well paying job. But when we both rose from the tough times, i questioned where this relationship is going and thats when the idea that he didnt want to commit became clear to me. In the beginning i totally understand that when a man is not financially stable marriage is prolly the last thing on their mind; and since i wasnt so well of myself anyway, i thought patience is key. Little did i know that even if he gets a fabulous job of 165k yearly he still didnt want to marry me. Time will hopefully show me why we didnt end up together. I know its not good to say but i miss him dearly And a part in my heart still believes we’ll be together again its so wierd. Ps we are in no contact except a once in a month sms we pass on together regarding a small debt i have to him and its installments.
Hi Eddie,
Thanks for sharing, so true, so true.Yet when we are stuck in the midst of it we do not recognize all the unhealthy aspects. I have been following no contact for a number of weeks now and am discovering who I am (and I love it) and am beginning to be happier and more content than I was within “the wrong” relationship. Time heals……and time has made me look at things more objectively, I cringe when I think of who I became in my unhealthy relationship. And yes I have done step 1 – No Contact & currently doing step 2 – reconnect with your real self and step 3 work on your own self worth. This is valuable guidance……. I feel so much better than I have in weeks. Getting through all this is wonderful when I look back and the pain is significantly reduced.
But it is a journey, only today, I was feeling vulnerable and angry as it was the 1st anniversary of my fathers death, I wrote my ex an email. But for once I didn’t sent it, I dealt with what I needed to by myself and reached out to others who really love me and care. Life goes on. I am coming out the other end of a very difficult break up and guess what…..it feels good 🙂
Thank you Eddie your program is great….we just all need to listen to those who have done it and find the self control to try it their way. No contact does work! I love the new me!….and I don’t think I’ll be losing myself again! Btw….even though I’m not a fully ready to date…. men are finding the new me very attractive!
My boyfriend of 1 and half years just broke up with me. We had been doing long distance for almost 5 months at that point and our relationship had just stopped working. He wasn’t treating me well enough when we were apart so that made me upset and we would fight about the dumbest things. He broke it off with me saying the relationship was too stressful for him and he needed a break. But we will be in the same place again in September and he wants to talk about our relationship then and about the possibility of getting back together. But idk if I like waiting to find out what he wants. All I know is that when we were together it was really wonderful and a heathy relationship. We had healthy fights and we always took care of eachother. I’d hate to throw that away because long distance wasn’t good for us. But when we broke up I asked him why he didn’t want to work on this to make this better and he said it was because it was too much to work on. But he thinks he might want to get back together in September when we are both in the same place. Part of me wants to wait for him because I know how good we are together but the other part of me doesn’t want to wait around to see if he wants me back or not. Do I wait for him or do I let him go?
you are focusing on the wrong things , your relationship will not work in yhe long run.
What you need to do while your apart and while hes still interested is to break your old habits , You need to lighten up and go with the flow, Place yourself in a position where your focus is on your very own life, Concentrate on building a better you, Start doing the things that you need to do to empower your life, and build up your image, Put your life in a better way where you are making yourself happy, focus on what your doing and get busy , when yopur busy and your focus is on yourself then when you do get with the person your interested in you will become less needy and you will bring forward a new outloook and you will be able to pleasently be togethere with someone because when your with him you can enjoy and cherish the guy your with . you cab share your time with out demands and interferance upon his needs and his life experiences.Actally you will be pleasently taking a break fropm your busy schedual and focusing on what the two of you are doing at that present moment. keep in miond that you are sharing a break in your life and stay focused on your self and who yopu are and dont give yourself so easily. become a happy and positive individual and offer him the challange of the chase. When you have a relationship with yourself that matters to you we become more challenging.give him the challange and the catch will be huis award. make him work for it.
Okay so I’m 18. Tender young age I know but right now I’m going through what feels like the most difficult period I’ve ever/ will ever go through. I met this girl via snapchat who lived around 3 hours away from me. We fell for each other so quickly over the coming few months and my life finally felt complete. I’ve had difficulties with rejection off parents and other issues but when I was talking to her all of that didn’t matter. She would make me forget everything. We finally met each other face to face about 3 months after making initial contact. We hit it off completely and it felt like we were made for each other. This was my first ever relationship so it was all very overwhelming for me, she had had a few in the past but said this was the first time she ever felt like this about someone. The distance was difficult, we managed to see each other a couple times a month for a weekend but it was extremely expensive as we couldn’t drive and I was in school so I couldn’t really afford the £60 train fare all the time. Despite the distance being a huge obstacle we made it work and it was amazing. I was in love, head over heels, and she was the same. I was going through a lot of personal issues that I didn’t tell her about and I made a huge mistake, I started depending on her for happiness. She was my only escape from everything and I also felt like she was way too good for me. I started depending on her for my happiness and that’s where it all went wrong. One day out of the blue I get a text off her telling me she isn’t happy with me anymore and it’s killing her because she loves me so much. She told me I had pushed her away and she was heartbroken because she felt like I didn’t love her anymore. I was devastated. I was confused also because I felt like I had done the opposite, not pushed her away but became too clingy because of my dependence on her to make me happy. My whole life came crumbling down around me. I had no escape from reality anymore and was forced to confront my own issues head on. The few days after the initial break up of course I was begging her for another chance but it was no use. She said to me “you’re not worth the distance anymore” which killed me because we promised each other that would never be a problem for us. So after the first initial few days it had sunk in and I was ready to do the “no contact” rule. It was strange because as soon as I stopped begging and started coming to terms with it she started begging for time. She said she needed a bit of time to think about what she wants, she said I wasn’t listening to anything she said so she felt like this was her only option. Guilt rushed through me, after everything she had done for me how could I treat her like that? And without even realising it? So without even thinking I abandoned the no contact thing and allowed myself to get roped into a vulnerable position. For the next 2 months I found myself getting hurt every day. We were together unofficially but it was used against me whenever I did something she didn’t like. But because I was dependent on her for my happiness I put up with it. We saw each other a few times in that period and were just like how we were when we were head over heels. I was 100% sure we’d get back together. The day she took me back was inevitable. But that day would never come. Even though we weren’t together at the time I felt like we were together so when she finally told me she definitely didn’t want me back i had the heartbreak all over again. I was confused because everything was going so well and things looked promising. She had been talking to another older boy that lived by her. He could offer things I couldn’t. He could see her everyday I couldn’t. But she loved me so I was in denial that I was the one she’d choose. Obviously wasn’t the case. Guilt overcame me I felt like it was all my fault, most of it was probably but never once did I do anything intentionally to hurt her. I made mistakes yeah but never once did I even look at anyone else. I was desperate to keep her in my life in anyway possible because she was my only escape. It wasn’t so easy living 3 hours away from eachother but we continued talking over text. Big mistake because that way I’d never move on. And I’d get so jealous, angry, upset when she went out with other boys but I couldn’t let her go. Eventually things turned horrible and I hated it because I loved her so much. She would obviously get frustrated with my bad moods and I’d get frustrated at her not being minE. About a week ago I woke up to a snapchat off her confessing a secret cocaine habit to me. She knew I opposed drugs with all my heart. She used it to hurt me, she sent me photos of her off her face on drugs with that other boy. Seeing her in that state made me feel so sorry for her. Also made me frustrated because I knew she was better than that. I was hurt at the sight, I was so hurt and disappointed, I wanted the best for her regardless of what had happened. But I expressed my disgust and she started using the things I told her in confidence about my personal issues against me. I was in bits. All the things you hate about yourself and to hear the person you love say them is killer. I had trusted her with information I would never trust anyone else with. She told me “no wonder your dad killed himself I would too if you were my son” I reacted badly to this and said things I didn’t mean. She blocked me on everything. Even though she said some vile things to me, being horrible isn’t who I am and I was desperate to apologise to her. Despite everything she said. I feel so much guilt for saying those things, I feel so much guilt for everything turning out the way it did. I wish I could hate her but I can’t. I spend my days working and crying, horrible routine. When I look back on our relationship all I can remember is the good times and I break down every time I do think about it. The weekends we spent together where I didn’t have a care in the world. She is on a pedastool and I’m seeing our relationship through rose tinted glasses I know. Why can’t I hate her for the horrible things she said to me? Why do I still feel the need to talk to her constantly? I wish I could apologise to her. I hope she’s happy in whatever she does. But she’s gone forever and I’m heartbroken. There seems like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. I know this is really long but I feel a lot better. Even if no one reads it I feel better. Eddie I’ve only just stumbled across your website and I thank you for the platform to be able to vent like this. Thank you
Hello Eddie,
I think my relationship failed in part due to my low self-esteem and extreme neediness. But I think my ex partner has some issues too. I can see that I have chosen the wrong partners many times and I would like to break that pattern. I think my low self-esteem comes from my heavy family history. I have been working on myself going to therapy for a number of years now but it didn’t prevent my last relationship from failing. I guess I still have a lot of work to do on myself. Thank you very much for your articles, they are helping me a lot!