Why My Relationship Failed… And What You Can Learn From It Today

A few months before my breakup happened, everything seemed fine.

It wasn’t all perfect, but still … we were together.

So I thought.

I felt, however, that my affection towards her wasn’t built on healthy ground.

The love I had for her began to feel more and more like a painful dependence than actual love.

I remember talking to a friend a few months before the actual breakup happened.

I remember saying something to him that sounds so terribly sick to me today, but actually perfectly defined my psychological condition which I’ve described above.

He confided in me his worries about the relationship with his girlfriend, and that they had somehow grown apart.

He was worried that they were going to split up.

I remember it as if it had happened yesterday. I told him that I was sorry, and added this little sentence to it:

“If my girlfriend were ever to leave me, my life would be over.”

A few months after that, I was dumped for real.

And it just felt, for a relatively long time, exactly as if my life was over.

It was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

That little sentence, which I added so lightly back then, as though I was bulletproof from heartbreak, revealed a lot about me at that time.

It was the arrogant statement of someone who felt that he was doomed. Someone who would rather take the “easy way out” than deal with his own shortcomings.

What did that say about me, and could it be your problem too?

The Bottomless Pit

”She lacks confidence, she craves admiration insatiably. She lives on the reflections of herself in the eyes of others. She does not dare to be herself.”
– Anais Nin

During the whole relationship, I strongly believed a few key things that I now know defined how I reacted towards her.

These beliefs happen to shape our whole relationship.

I felt that SHE was the best thing that had ever happened to me. That she was the most beautiful girlfriend I’d ever had – and here it comes – that I didn’t deserve her at all.

Being with her felt as if Cupid had made a terrible mistake.

I distinctly remember that this was my main and strongest belief – that she was way too good for me.

Such a belief is very powerful, and it will take its toll eventually … and so it did.

“You just don’t love yourself much, do you?” someone said to me after it happened.

And that was right on, the underlying issue was a lack of self-love and self-esteem.

What happens then is that you define YOURSELF through this relationship. You experience self-worth only through your partner.

And this will lead to all kinds of toxic relationship symptoms:

  1. You will be overly jealous
  2. You will be controlling and demanding
  3. You will think that you are the only one who cares for this relationship
  4. You will suck the life out of the relationship by making it all about you

And all of this makes sense when you keep in mind that you have to feed this hungry and all-consuming need:

Receiving self-worth from your partner.

The moment this toxic and selfish need isn’t met, you will feel bad … and manipulate your partner into feeling the same.

It’s a bottomless pit.

It will become a destructive pattern that will eventually cost the relationship.

Are You Making This Same Mistake?

Why am I telling you this?

Should you suffer from a breakup right now, chances are that you went through a similar pattern.

I’m not saying that it was you who destroyed the relationship with toxic behavior because not all of us resort to such behavior when this need of significance isn’t met.

Many of us withdraw, become depressive, disconnect and maybe fall into a passive aggression pattern.

But what most of us have in common is the lack of a sense of our worth, a strong disconnection from our real ME.

The good news is that when you know what the disease is, then you can start looking for a cure.

It’s easy to fall into despair when you can’t connect the dots, and you’ll just feel like you are racing the vicious cycle of failed relationships.

When you suffer through a recent breakup, and you believe that you fall into the above-described category, then there are three things you must do:

  1. Remove your “Self-Worth Giver”, (go No-Contact)
  2. Reconnect to your true self
  3. Work on your self-worth, (self-love, self-esteem and an additional “secret component”)

By the way, these are two of “The 7 Steps To Authentic Love” that I teach in my DETOX Course, (which is part of my new “Authentic Love Program”).

Conclusion

“Don’t rely on someone else for your happiness and self-worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can’t love and respect yourself – no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are – completely; the good and the bad – and make changes as YOU see fit – not because you think someone else wants you to be different.”
– Stacey Charter

The sentence I said to my friend so many years ago perfectly predicted my future suffering.

It condensed so well what my core problem was, and how it pervaded and corrupted the relationship I had.

Self-WorthThis was, of course, only ONE of the reasons for my breakup.

The other main one was a huge incompatibility between the two of us, and a bunch of minor things.

All of which I’ve learned about in my recovery, and the relationship inventory that I’ve made.

If you find yourself struggling with similar things that I did back then, then I urge you to work on yourself.

Work on yourself hard and break that cycle of failed relationships that you are most probably going to go through your whole life.

Because one fatal peculiarity of looking for self-worth outside of yourself is that it doesn’t really go away.

It keeps sabotaging your relationships and attracting the wrong partners.

That is why we keep running into the same kind of relationships over and over again.

Start to break the cycle today and attract the right partner for you.

So that sometime in the future, instead of the sentence I said, you might say:

“I love being in this relationship, but if it were to end for whatever reason, I would be OK, I won’t lose myself.”

This is what I wholeheartedly wish for you.

Do you have an idea why your relationship ended? Please share in the comment section below.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

  • Eddie,

    I am in the detox course and read the toxic love audio book and was feeling down because I felt guilty of my need to love. I almost broke no contact and went to my ex’s facebook (day 1 of no social media). but I didn’t. I did a google search with your name and the “underlying issue”/ I read this article and feel much better. This was very helpful knowing that I can learn about self-worth. I want to build my self esteem and become a better version of myself and in relationships. I am where you were at, thinking I was in the perfect relationship, and I want to get to where you got. I want to be able to say “If the relationship ended, I’ll be okay”. I have a long way ahead of me, I just wanted to say thank you in advance.

  • I met a man who became my best friend, we knew eachother for two years, we dated other people but maintained a close friendship, he made it clear he loved me but I had resevations about moving pass our friendship due to long distance and him reminding me of someone who had hurt me in the past. After two and a hlf yrs I gave in because I realized I loved him. this passed week I went to see him and meet his family. I met his mother and two brothers. I left feeling confident about our future. I called to tell him I made it home safely, and a woman answered and informed me that she was his other girlfriend and he was in bed asleep. I feel like he broke what was left of my heart. I am numb inside. I can’t even cry. My heart has been broken over and over again. I no longer trust myself, or anyone else. I feel dead inside. My husband left me when I was six months pregnant to be a single mother and every man since then has used and abused me. I have lost faith in love.

  • Hi Eddie and everyone,

    I’m struggling with my break up because at the moment i see that we truly had no problems and we were the happiest people and so in love right up until he left. I know it seems hard to believe because how could he have been if he was able to leave? We had been together for a year and a half, lived together for a year. He was from Italy, had been here for 3 years in the end. We had a partner visa underway and he had just finished a year of school. 2 weeks into our life without school he just became unhappy, literally overnight. I received a usual message of “I love you so so so much, can’t wait to see you” while on my night duty and i replied accordingly as this is how we truly felt. Then all of a sudden he thinks he needs to be alone to figure out why he is unhappy and cold and what is wrong with his mind. Like his next project was done (school) and he realised he didn’t have anything to work towards anymore. He stayed with his friends for 2 weeks, in this time I saw the happy man i knew and loved only for one day when he said he was trying to be okay and then the day after told me he was returning to Italy. We said goodbye a week later and thats it, I was told it wasn’t because he didn’t love me or didn’t want to be with me, he just didn’t know. Non lo so, was all i got. I am now here almost a month later and today i am miserable. Not everyday, but today i am. I can’t seem to get him off this pedestal, that he was the greatest and i will never find someone as attractive, as perfect and that i will love as much as i loved him. I was ready, i was ready for the rest of my life with him, to get married and have kids. I know i need to wait for time to heal me, to not contact him and just enjoy myself but some days i don’t want to, everyday i want to just go back in time. I try to read all of these things where people realise they are better off without the other person but i was so happy, treated so well, we had the same values, everything. Its hard to see a happy life where I am glad this all happened. I tell myself that i will heal in time and i will meet someone that I feel this with again but i don’t really believe it at the moment. I’m so sick of having bad days. I tell myself that he wasn’t stable enough for me (obviously), that he could have flipped out after we were married or after we had kids. So great there is a positive. That i don’t want someone that is able to leave everything that makes them happy in a matter of weeks. So now here we are, what a pointless post right? Because i just have to suck it up and move on with life because shit happens. I guess i am trying to figure out how to get over a relationship that didn’t have any problems? It’s like being addicted to water and being forced to go cold turkey…

    • Monica: as Eddies said , at this point don’t try to find why, now you must focus on yourself, it is the moment for your improvement, something was wrong in that relationship, otherwise it wouldn’t end, but now it is not important for you, reading the advices from Eddie you will start to learn how to ”figure out” of actual situation, usually it is to focus to do what you like and be busy. You will get better but you can shorten the time if actively work on it…After you will start to heal, the answers will pop up almost by themselves…

  • I just broke up with my bf of 3+ years and the finality of it is completely overwhelming and unbearable. Our relationship did not start out normally. When I met him we were both going through a difficult time. We both did not have jobs. I, however was receiving unemployment so I always had means. I never thought anything of it, so I always shared what I had without question. I would pay for dates, I even bought him a phone and paid the bill every month at first. He eventually did get a job and took over his phone bill. We than moved in together. We both equally paid the deposit and rent at first. Then he lost his job, just months in. So I became the provider again. Back then he seemed grateful that I was understanding any supporting and he could always count on me. Fast-forward to three years later, we have been going through the same thing since then. He’s never had a job for longer than 6 months and was always blaming others for that. The managers, owners, etc. My step-dad even hired him to do construction, which he was making very good money. But here’s the catch he would lie about how much he made, or tell me it was none of my business, it’s his money. I also want to mention that in the beginning, we used to have regular BBQ’s with my parents and go out to dinner together. My family always treated him like a son. As time went on, he began complaining about doing this. Saying its not normal this much. Which was usually every 2 weeks, sometimes maybe once a week. And if they ever wanted to stop by to say hi on their way somewhere for 10 minutes he would get pissed, that they are inconveniencing him. So my parents stopped coming by. He eventually stopped joining in on dinners unless it was holiday and he couldn’t get out of it. He quit working for my step-dad. I became frustrated and my attitude changed. Again I’m left with all the bills, while he’s looking for yet another job, and we’re both smokers so now I’m buying cigarettes for two people. And I’m angry and yes I’m always bitching bc this is not right. He also tells me to shut the f up on a regular basis anytime I want to talk about unpleasant conversations such as bills and the stress its putting on me. We’ve broken up so many times and made up the next day. And it hasn’t gotten better. But I had finally had enough and told him he needs to leave. And he did. To a few states away. And now I feel guilty. I blame myself for not giving him a chance and always nagging him to step up. He didn’t us to break up, I did. And now he’s a thousand miles away and I feel so lost. I can’t be at home bc everything reminds me of him. I’m drowning.

  • I have several failure relationships in the past few years but the recent break-up from last month dreaded me completely as they got back together with their ex-girlfriend within a few days. This is a very good article as I am fully recovered but just looking at points I’ve missed to ensure I fully let go.

  • This article really touched my problem on the nose. I was looking for self worth from my partner for the 13yrs and constantly called me dumb and stupid on a daily the last drawer is when he said I was the dumbest girlfriend he had it stabbed my heart like a knife and I couldnt take it anymore and ended the relationship. I didn’t want to leave and still love him, but its time for me to be selfish and work on Me!

  • It’s been 7 months since my boyfriend dumped me it still feels abit like a dream and I am gonna wake up and be ok I know we are never getting back together but I don’t think I have fully accepted the fact I still have a tiny bit of hope that he will come back and I feel this is holding me back from moving on my heart aches when I think of him its Been 3 weeks no contact and it has helped abit I feel a little Stronger everyday I just need to accept that he’s never coming back:(

  • This sums up my ex perfectly. The issue with my ex is I had attempted to push her to love herself, and to find some ambition, and to stop being jealous and worrying about me when I’d be doing nothing wrong. We dated for 3 and a half years, the last year I’ve struggled trying to love her as I felt i was getting more and more detached but didn’t want to lose the relationship. She ended up breaking up with me due to her own jealousy issues and wanted me to fight to get her back but I was done fighting, emotionally I was done. What makes my situation difficult is that I’ve learned that my ex is severely depressed. She doesn’t have many friends, and no support system in her household, so it kills me that she is struggling to get back on her feet alone. What makes matters worse is that she is ‘suicidal’ and I’ve taken this very serious, when threats are made I have called the police. I think I’m posting here because I am sadden at the fact that she will literally threaten to take her life if I choose to continue not being with her, and to not love her. It hurts me because I tried my best to love her and fall back in love with her but I am at a point where I just cannot and it kills me because like I stated above she hasn’t done anything to hurt me, she has just had her own personal issues. I guess I am just feeling guilty about her thoughts of suicide as she blames me for all of it, and blames me for wasting 4 years of her life, and that I was her world and there is no reason left for her to continue life here. Any comments or advice for how I should attempt to feel or deal with this situation are greatly appreciated.

  • I am on my day 6 of NC since break up. I am feeling so weak inside that I feel so hurt because I am missing him. My heart is yearning for him but my mind is screaming, “It is all wrong, you must move on!” I could hardly stand the pain that I had to run here again and read Eddie’s article to keep me going and protect the NC. I am so grateful for this site. Also, in my search for an inspiring quote, I stumbled upon this one that I would like to share with you guys:

    “We must say “no” to what, in our heart, we don’t want. We must say “no” to doing things out of obligation, thereby cheating those important to us of the purest expression of our love. We must say “no” to treating ourselves, our health, our needs as not as important as someone else’s. We must say “no.”
    ― Suzette Hinton

    I thought I needed to see this quote. Such strong statements on being able to say NO. Hope this quote will help pull you through the day. Let’s protect our NC vow. Prayers for all of us.

  • I am in deep pain. My boyfriend has suddenly started ignoring. He doesnt call me, doesnt message me much and whenever i message / call him, he always gives me excuses. I get the feeling that he isnt much interested in me but I cannot understand the reason. We have been together for 9 months now and we were never compatible. But he always insisted that love is what triumphs in the end. And that is what always kept us together. Yes we fought, but then every couple fights. I have been racking my brain to understand what I did wrong,but I cant seem to come up with a possible explanation. I still love him a lot but his indifferent attitude is what hurts me the most. I have recently shifted to a new city and all I want to do is talk to him at the end of the day because I am alone here. But its been weeks since he called. And he never seems interested in my life.

    I feel so dejected and heartbroken. I dont understand what I did wrong. We were so happy together. He promised me he would love me always 🙁

  • I was 10 years with man I thought was absolutely perfect. however when i look back- i did everything for him- from Scuba Diving to the way I dyed my hair to no tattoos, to no nose piercing. I was fine with everything he wanted, and would have done just about anything to make him happy. However I feel I had very low self esteem. i went through my change gained about 30 pounds( but still took care of myself) couldn’t find that job that would take care of both of us- he always wanted to quit his construction co.and I would have done anything to help him with that. within all my own failings I suppose I expected him to be more supportive to make me feel better about myself and he just could not do that. I was not the person he wanted anymore and he found someone else- who he is changing into the old me.she already had the tattoos and nose piercings- and bleach blond hair (that he always loved). So am sure they are happy with each other. Cause now she scuba dives and goes to the old vacation house with him. I now have not only self esteem issues – but jealousy to fight because I miss the tenderness we use to share that he now shares with her. It is a very small town I live in and social media is not even needed to run into them at the grocery store or the gas station. It hurts me that he treats her like he use to treat me- and she is so in love with him.No contact has been a week for me. however we broke up over a year ago. He cannot go a week without texting me- over the year he said things like just give me time, Im not happy, I know I messed up and Im sorry etc.etc. So i know No contact will be better for me.So things I need to work on Jealousy, and regret I could have handled things differently if I had actually believed he was cheating on me- which I kind of suspected but refused to believe. Self Love I should never allow someone to substantiate who I am- and i am open to any suggestions because selling my home and moving away is not an option- I finally found a decent enough job- Finally some self respect- to expect as much out of a relationship that i put into it emotionally before 10 years have passed

  • Hi and thanks for that. It’s impressive how you can observe your mind situation and help to learn others from your mistakes.

  • >
    175 Shares
    Share50
    Pin125
    Tweet
    WhatsApp
    Email