“It's hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does.”
Everybody who has ever experienced a relationship break-up knows the pain that lies beneath this sentence. I certainly understand it very well.
I think that it describes one of the most difficult things in life – letting go of someone whom you still love so dearly.
It's the classic struggle between heart and mind.
The heart has no other knowledge beyond what it feels. And in feeling, it is absolute.
The mind is rational, it takes into account many things – our experiences, our intellect, our knowledge about past and future. It usually claims to know better.
When it comes to break-ups, however, we really have a hard time deciding to whom we want to listen.
Even WHEN we know better, it's the heart that usually wins.
How is it that we trust the heart more than the mind when the person we love has left us?
The answer is obvious. We are overrun by emotions. Emotions we cannot control for the time being.
So, unfortunately, we do what our heart commands. We don't allow anything to come between ourselves and the love we feel. Not a person, not advice, not a thought.
We listen to the heart and want to experience this love.
But what happens when love towards a person is not reciprocated? Does it thrive, does it die?
The answer again is obvious – it's a huge waste of time and energy.
So the question is, why would we waste time and energy on someone who doesn't love us back when there are thousands and thousands out there who might be a much better fit for us than our Ex ever was? (I can feel your resistance, but trust me here, ok?)
The answer is not so obvious.
Maybe because we have difficulties with change, perhaps because we are sentimental … but most of all, probably because we are sensitive human beings.
So it's understandable that we listen to the heart.
But is it acceptable that we suffer?
I believe that we have a right to fulfillment and happiness and that our actions should align with this right.
Keeping that in mind, we don't really have a choice. There is only one way to go.
We MUST “un-love” our Ex.
We MUST let them go, and start the recovery process.
If you feel resistance in your yourself while reading this, just ask yourself, “what is the alternative”?
Is it years of romantic suffering and longing for the one person in the whole wide world that is the only fit for us?
Let me tell you, my dear friends, life has taught me otherwise.
I learned that it is so simple, (and so difficult), to start. Write the No-Contact Letter to your Ex, and cut off contact completely.
After that, you throw yourself into the roller-coaster ride of the recovery phases.
It's not quite the easy way out, but it's the right thing to do.
“If someone wants to leave you, let them go!”
You must “un-love” them to open the way to a new future.
A future with someone who deserves you and who appreciates the person you are.
Always tell yourself, when in doubt, what to do – if someone wants to leave you, let them go.
If they decide that they don't want to be with you, then let them go, (you cannot stop them anyway).
I know that it's hard and feels wrong to ignore the heart. But in this case, you just should.
Your rational mind is your friend right now.
Start to “un-love” your Ex now, and you will reach a point soon when heart and mind are in sync.
I promise.
Until then, have patience and faith in your recovery.
Please tell me what you think in the comments below.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
Hi Eddie,
I am going through a really rough break up…I go through a roller coaster of emotions. Everyday is a battle. My will is really being tested. I love him SO much. I would do ANYTHING for him…
I loved him and gave him my ALL. I left nothing for myself. He has hurt me so bad & played with me.
I am learning to find myself & trying to stick to the NC rule. I feel like i’m dying inside. It’s only been one month so it’s all very fresh.
I know i can do better…That i deserve better…but my heart still belongs to him..
Your support has given me strength & i’m so grateful. Thank you so much.
Angel –
I’ve been through this. You’re right … you deserve so much better. I don’t know if it makes you feel better … but we’ve all been there. You feel like you’ve given everything you have but your significant other won’t reciprocate.
We’ve all felt like we’re dying inside. We feel helpless. We feel like we have no control. That our significant other controls our lives.
It’s time to take control of our lives. It’s time to love ourselves. It’s time to believe that we deserve much better. You’re heart does not belong to him! You’re heart belongs to you. It’s time to take control … take control of your heart.
You need to understand that you’re not alone. We’ve all been there. FIGHT for yourself! FIGHT for your life. You’re significant other doesn’t deserve you. And you need to believe that because you wouldn’t be on this blog if you didn’t.
So take a deep breath … and tell yourself, I’m back. He can’t hurt you anymore. It’s his loss. Scream … cry … then move on. You can do it! You can do it! We believe in you!
this website gave me so much support, thanks Eddie and all people had shared their experiences…really hang here…NO CONTACT helped me so much to be strong …(sorry for my weak English)
My Ex and I have been constantly breaking up and getting back together for 2 years. We have every reason to break up but always find ourselves getting back together. I cant stand the feeling of him hurting me anymore and im ready to try and let go. Ive said this thousands of times but I really want people to know I mean it this time. Even him. Im on day 1 of no contact but already feel some relief after reading your blogs. It makes me so happy knowing im not the only one going through this horrible pain and there are people out there willing to help us get through this.
hello everyone! It has been 3 years since the last time I wrote here because I was so broken and so desperate of my breakup then. I read some of the comments on this post and I all feel you guys. It’s very hard. It’s very difficult. We wanted the love back and hold on to it because we really love the person. We tried but it all cost us nothing but even more pain, desperation and suffering. If you are at the process or un-loving you ex’s hang in there. Don’t give up! It’s hard at first but if you focus more just of yourself, your own happiness and well being in the right time things will fall into right places. And you will realize you just made the right decision of letting that person go completely. And of following the advises on this blog ^^.
Thank you very much Eddie. I’m no one but I want you to know that your blog has helped me a lot in coping with my breakup 3 years ago. Then I was so desperate, i didn’t know what to do, I hated myself, but in God’s grace I chanced upon your blog, then my life had a turning point. I followed the No Contact Rule and other advises in here. Your blog helped me put logic to the unexplainable suffering I was feeling towards my breakup. You explained them very well. You gave me hope and you helped me become a positive and hopeful person.
Now I truly got over the guy. I can’t believe I will be over him completely. I though then I can’t. But now, I’m happy and little by little fulfilling my dreams. My love life is still struggling though, since then I haven’t had a boyfriend. I’ve been very careful now. But whenever things like this happens to me again, I always visit your blog and reread the previous posts you’ve made. But I’m always positive that someone’s out there for me, who will stick with me forever.^^,
Don’t worry guys. We will all get through this. <3
Thank You, for coming back and letting us know of your progress and challenges.
Your post gives me hope. Thanks for updating, because it is nice to read that people are able to eventually move on and have a positive outlook on life!
The biggest thing that sticks out here: “If someone wants to leave you-let them go”. My boyfriend of 2 years (1 year being long distance as he is in the navy) broke up with me. With no clear answer as to why, there was always an excuse about how it would be too hard once he deploys or some other excuse, that I “deserve better”. I am broken. I invested so much love and time and effort into a guy I thought I would marry. (Turns out he lied too when he said he wanted to marry me-he told me he only said that so I wouldn’t leave him while he was in the navy) My head can understand everything rationally, that I do deserve better. It just kills me, because I really love him. And God knows I tried so hard to save what we had, but at the end of the day, I can’t make him love me back. I’m trying so hard to be strong, and realize that it wasn’t that I wasn’t enough. (Even though it sure feels that way)
You are not alone here, we all have had are hearts broken to pieces. Never ever, go back or try and be friends with an ex. It never works out. Change is hard and most people remain the.same. You are the only one who can change, by changing yourself. Good Sunday everyone here.
I’m in absolute despair, my fiancée ended things ten days ago, we began talking again and really communicating like we hadn’t done in ages. He told me he wanted me back, loved me and wanted a baby with me. We were due to get married next month. The day he was due to pick me up and take me home he texts me and says he’s changed his mind yet the very night before he wanted to “get me pregnant”. I cannot believe he’s done it, that’s evil, not the man I thought I knew… No home, no job, where do I go from here? Some very dark thoughts are creeping in
It is never easy.they say you will only have one great love and if you do break up,you may still love him but at a lesser degree.i had a bf before.all the qualities in a man i found in him.very nice,gentle,never hurt me.he was my classmate before in elementary. I met him again online.it was hard,with the distance but i never loved and felt loved the way i felt when i was with him.i thought i found the one.due to distance,he couldnt hold on anymore.i made one last attempt.i told him i’ll go back to him in another country just to prove i love him.he said he keeps searching for me in other women.sadly,all my efforts were wasted.he still cheated on me.i was so hurt.i felt the most extreme chest pain i ever felt in my love.i was begging him,even willing to forgive him just come back to me.months later,i met my husband in an unexpected time.he may not be my ideal old school,conservative,family oriented man i want.he is liberated and goes to bars.but he had the guts to marry me.the thing i admired in him the most.i said the next man i meet i want him to be the one coz im tired of getting hurt.i love my husband now.but sometimes when we argue,when he hits me,i remember my ex coz he never hurt me,treated me like a princess.i guess you cant always get the one you want.its sad i did my best to fight for my ex but i didnt end up with him.i admit i still remember him,i still do love him.but i am in pain when i remember how he cheated on me and broke up with me.he was almost perfect.please help me.can somebody please tell me how do i unlove him?how do i permanently delete him from my memory?i am even willing to have amnesia just to forget him.is my husband really the one?why am i loving someone still even if he is not even thinking of me or even asked for forgiveness.i need some advice really.
I have written on here twice before and firstly I just want to say thank you to eddie and also to anyone going through this please listen to him and hang on in there it really does get better. My ex ended things nearly two years ago but we worked closely together and, as they often do, she wanted to stay “best friends”. This just cannot work I didn’t want to know that then but I do now . So I went through another year and a half of torture until she met someone who she is still with . It broke me at the time I even ended up in hospital around Xmas time. I decided there and then to leave work and start again. I saw a counsellor moved offices , although with the same firm. I did the 60days of no contact and it’s strange. You won’t notice it working. It doesn’t just happen but your brain retrains itself, at least that’s how I have found it. Most days I still think of her but it’s not like I used to. There is no malice or I’ll will it’s just she’s a part of my past that’s it. She is now also really struggling in work she contacts me and I finally have the power not to contact back. I just don’t want to . I saw her earlier that’s why I write this to give you hope as others stories have me. She started crying as soon as she saw me , she said she hated work without me and tells everyone she misses her best friend. I told her two things one she is a good person and two she is strong enough to deal with it. I told her she did the right thing when she ended it and we both have to move on. And I feel finally I can let go it is utterly liberating. Good luck to all of you , you really will get through this.
Bless your heart. Best friends? It was for her benefit just to keep you close. You did the right thing and I’m proud of you. Mine tried that best friend thing. Only he didn’t ask. He just kept calling like we were cool except there was no intimacy and he already had someone else (he was cheating). I went NC in January he has contacted me since about meaningless things. I responded a couple of times after my 60 days. He contacted me 3 wks ago about some more nothing. This time I not only didn’t respond but I blocked him from all contact. We were together for 5 yrs. Right now I can’t be friends with him. I don’t think I can ever because him cheating without remorse and lying several times to my face just tells me he isn’t the kind of “friend” I want to keep. But you are right time means everything. I was talking to my sister yesterday and she told me she was worried about me back then. She said she was afraid to call me because I would start crying and she would ask herself if is ever get over him. I can relate to being in the hospital. Heart break is deliberating. I didn’t end up in the hospital but there were times I was sure I was going to die. While I’m not 100% over him, I am pretty close to getting there 🙂
I have just come across this website, and it has given me a wealth of information, and advice on how to deal with the current predicament I am experiencing, the pain of a break up. I split up with my Ex, just before Christmas, after what was a prolonged, horrific period of abuse, depression and cheating. In some ways, I know I should have tackled the problems more head on, when the early signs appeared. I became extremely busy with work, and had to sacrifice late nights, to advance my career. Things got worse over time. She had a major personality disorder, and chose to drink her troubles away. A few times, I said enough was enough, but she pleaded with me to take her back.
After the last straw, I had to finish. Luckily, she had an intervention, and appears to be getting her life back on track. Sadly, that person I now see, the one that I fell in love with, no longer shares the same feelings, and is overriding with feelings of guilt. Sadly, I did not take action right from the break up, and we yoyo’d to and fro. The mind games have punished and tortured me. Just this week, I finally decided to man up, and initiated the no-contact rule. Having taken my spare set of keys from her, I have felt a degree of power and that I have finally stopped living on borrowed time. Having a very rough time today, dealing with it all, but I am standing firm with the NC. It is tough, but I am surrounded by great people, and my passion in life has become a fledging career. It has become a great distraction, and motivator for personal growth, and gettting through this tough stage. I still feel that I cannot commit to anybody else, and doubt the success of relationships right now, but I will work to change that mindset. In this painful journey, I’ll try to become the best person I can be, before offering my heart to somebody new again. I really appreciate the personal stories, and support that people contribute, and would gladly welcome any words of support you guys may have for me, to make this post-break up and detachment process better.
David,
The key word is PROCESS, this is a process. But you seemed to be handling it well. It will take sometime before you are feeling better. But you will. So glad you are here and come here whenever you need to vent or just want to read what others have been through. You might see your same situation in someone elses. My thoughts are with you.
Hi Eddie.
The first time I read this article I was like I can’t stop loving him. How can Eddie even suggest that. I didn’t finish reading the article. I was the one who ended the relationship because he was cheating, continued to see the other girl virtually on FB, and lied about it. I guess he felt it was ok since the lady was on FB and lived across the Atlantic. I couldn’t take the disrespect anymore and had to love me more than him so I left. That was on 11/12/13. I went NC on 01/04/14.
Today I came back here to read this article again, because since the last time something hit me as to why he does not deserve my love. Here is what happened since. We had agreed to mail each other’s property back to each other since it was long distance. I mailed his and he never mailed mine. He told me he would bring them to me last month. At the time I was elated thinking he wanted to see me to make up. Anyway. He did come into town never contacted me left without returning my things. Then two days after he left he left me a VM that he didn’t make it to town and lost the cord to my camera that he would mail them as soon as he finds them. I know he was here! That was four weeks ago. Still nothing.
I thought about the lie he told when he really didn’t have to. I couldn’t understand why and how he could lie to me with such ease. I didn’t confront him or call him a liar. I just told myself he can keep the things and I have absolutely no desire to reconcile or even be his friend. Why? Because if he could lie to me now when he really didn’t have to I wondered what lies he had told me when we were dating over the last five years. I concluded that I don’t need him in my life in any shape or form because I could never trust him as a lover nor a friend because I would doubt the words he’d speak.
I spent the last few days thinking about if our relationship was a lie and asked myself what was real and what was a lie. Eddie, I am an honest, devoted and loyal person. Someone like my ex does not deserve me as a “friend”. So that is how I decided that I WILL unlove him and open up my heart to someone else worthy of me. My heart and mind are starting to agree to let go. 🙂
Yes, your relationship was a lie so was mine. He had me convinced he couldnt live without me then came devalue and discard like I never mattered at all. I decided if it was a game I dont want anything to do with him. I dont love him and dont cherish memories with him. I learned a big lesson im just sooo glad I didnt end up with
him.So we live and learn be healthy, happy and wise that’s what you deserve!
I’ve had my heart broken and have broken hearts (actually, no one has that kind of power over anyone else), and until I began to love myself, I mean unconditionally, with all my so called imperfections, no relationship I was in was satisfying. Relationships issues are just a mirror for our own lack of self-love. When we are the ones leaving a relationship, and are feeling like the bad guy, it’s important to remember that it takes two. The one being left is also a volunteer in the experience. Many of us grew up feeling emotionally abandoned by our parents or caregivers, and we act out that wound in our adult relationships so much of the time. If we continue to abandon ourselves emotionally, we will see that mirrored in our relationships. I’ve played both roles. I’ve also learned that love isn’t tragic, nor is it needing to be needed. Healthy, balanced relationships are rare because most people are not ready to give themselves what they expect a partner to give to them. It takes time and courage to focus on ourselves and to begin the journey of self acceptance and self-love, but it’s so worth it.
Very well said Chris, I agree wholeheartedly. Thank you!
I’m really stuggling with this and it has been a whole year since my breakup with my ex in whom I was with for 7 years. Im 22 and everyone tells me im young…that theres time. I cant help feeling that its over for me and ill never find anyone as compatible as my highschool sweetheart.
Kelly, listen to ‘I found a boy’ by Adele. I hope you feel better soon. If you think you are going through hell, keep going……..
Eddie…I read your website for a year before I decided to finally break things off. I knew N/C was the only way. It was an agonizing time. I am approaching 3 1/2 months of N/C and the darkest days are past. I know that for sure. Now I am in the letting go stage and find this to be so frustrating and difficult since there is no definitive way to do it. I pray, I meditate regularly, I work out and I have a full time job but none of it seems to bring about the letting go. I can see why people are afraid they may never get past it. I have had my heart broken many times but not to this degree. It is hard to walk away from someone that you love and just let go. I know this is the way out but how and when? Are you saying that we think our way to it? My thoughts border on obsessive and I am so tired of feeling this way. I want to let go but just really can’t quite figure out how…We were together for a year so maybe I am expecting too much too soon? Humans….we are an impatient bunch when it comes to uncomfortable feelings don’t you think?
Hi everyone! Just have some questions running in my head for a couple of weeks now. Can you give me some advice of something to think about..
1. When is the right time to leave your relationship?
2. Would you leave the one you love because you’ve already hurt him so much and you feel that you’re no good for him anymore?
3. I always demand for his time and if he refuse I would go wherever he is just to see him, yeah, just to him. But my effort to get to him freaks him out. He would call me a nagger by then. Is there something really wrong with me?
I’m thinking that I already caused our relationship so much chaos. I’ve said so many things I should have thought carefully before saying it. I’ve done things that made him lost his trust on me. What should I do?
P.S. : We can’t un-love someone we loved before. We just care or love them in a different way now, perhaps.
thank u eddie! ur newsletters always come at the perfect time.
gents and most especially ladies, my ex broke up with me almost a year ago, and to celebrate this anniversary i’m taking myself out for a cupcake….lol
i didnt think that i could go this long without him. after 4.5 years, i really did think he was the one and that we would get married, all that jazz…..but it was an act of mercy my friend told me, i didnt understand what she meant until now….he wasnt right for me.
although i begged him to stay, i immediately surrounded myself with my family and friends, people who loved me, and STAYED AWAY from my ex.. i found eddie’s “ex detox” and applied it’s no contact rule for 60 days…i literally felt a pain in my chest, i couldnt breathe or sleep…but i forced my way through it….with 8 days left in that 60 day count he saw me on the road as i waited for the bus and offered to drive me home. we chatted. he had nothing new to say, my heart felt like it was pushed off a cliff – again. a couple of days later he did the same thing and i fought to not slip back into our old ways, and told him straight up i wouldnt succumb to his advances, which when confronted he chalked up to “being habit”. i havent seen him since and i thank God NCR count 10+ months?…i’m a different person now, i like myself more, i filled those empty times with really finding out who i am and my circle of friends changed..i dont regret a thing, i treated him and his family with love and integrity and i i still love them and while i do care for him..he’s a stranger now and i hope my heart forgets him but in the meantime i continue to forgive him, myself and leave it at that.
thank u eddie for being a primary tool to help me over this breakup, and if u guys are looking for help u’ve come to the right place. it will be difficult, but i promise it will be worth it!! Godbless ya’ll!! u’ll be better for it i promise!!!!
After 11 yrs of marraige-16 yrs together and 3 children, I was angry and unhappy and needed help.. i was lost I stepped back from the relationship and wanted a healing separation… I felt his lack of love for a long time. he wanted it to feel like the honeymoon period all the time.. that is the reality of it not being sustainable.. as I tried to fight my way thru my dark cloud…we went to counseling.. he really didn’t want to, and now he as found another (even tho the counselor asked if we would refrain from dating.. we both agreed we would.. AAAH but he didn’t, its been six months and my heart still aches from the family and man I wanted us to be.. I had stopped loving myself–hence feeling soo lost.. I am back, Ive done a lot of work on myself and a so centered and full of love.. all my relationships have changed with my family and children I am an amazing mum now, patient and loving. BUT he doesn’t want to return.. hes fallen in love
I had a bad day yesterday when he confirmed he wanted the divorce!! I know I want it too!! but my heart is still hanging on… sooo perfect timing Eddie.. all of your posts have helped me immensely.. the no contact was hard as well as we share the children equally, so i can see him regularly… that’s hard I really wish I didn’t have to see him at all!!
Eddie,
Thanks for your articles. I have been in an on/off relationship for over 8 years. Over 3 years ago the man I love had to transfer out of state due to a plant closure. I didn’t go with him due to my job. He has lived away for 3 1/2 years. He is over 3 hours away and recently put in for a plant that is an hour away. Our plan was to be together, but the chance that he could get the transfer was a long shot. He’s an alcoholic and that has caused a lot of our problems. I feel if he lives closer he wouldn’t be so bored and would drink less. He has always drank, but now he drinks to the point of not remembering conversations and passing out. He can easily drink a bottle of whiskey and function the next day. He is definitely a functioning alcoholic because he works all the overtime he can get, many times 16 hour days. He has gone back and forth recently not knowing what he wants or feels about us. He blames it on the alcohol. I decided to give him space and time to get his life together. He sent me a text over a month ago saying that he had the chance to transfer and he turned it down. He even sent a picture of the transfer paper. It was such a long shot and I didn’t ever think he would even get the opportunity. I asked why he even told me, because it broke my heart to hear it. He said that he wanted a reaction, because he hadn’t heard from me and wanted to know if I still cared. It made me crazy. He knows how to pull my strings and make me into someone I don’t even recognize. He tells me he loves me? How could you love someone and hurt them so badly. It was my dream that he would move back and we could be together. He knew that. When I was upset, he told me the plant is still there. It may still be there, but he turned it down and he was very lucky to have that chance to transfer. I started no contact 36 days ago. I fight myself everyday from contacting him. My heart can’t believe that we will never be together, but my head says he’s not good for me. His alcoholism has control over him and I see that. I love the man I think he could be. The sober man. I can’t imagine my life ever being ok and loving another. Your articles and comments from others gives me hope that life could be good again.
The heart feels … the brain processes… you cannot feel with your brain… It is over 30 years since I lost the love of my life and the woman I married… but in 2012 I bumped into her by accident in London for the first time in years. You know what… the moment I saw her I realised my love for her was still there.. its still there despite the passage of time… Could I do anything … No… she admitted leaving was a bad mistake 32 years ago…she was too young when she married (19) and her life had not been a bed of roses. 3 failed marriages later and time had done its thing.. I learnt to live without her.. Do I still love her …don’t be stupid….of course.. true love never dies.. I could no more stop loving her than I could force myself to stop loving my parents who died over 25 years ago…. Don’t stop loving… the secret is learning to live without …. remember you love with your heart not with your brain…. think with the brain. Don’t confuse the two… they aren’t the same
Eddie, This is SO true. You need to un-love your ex. And it’s difficult because the heart is invested in what it views as “true love.” However, the rational mind must prevail. We must SEE that it is not “true love” if the love is not returned. If you are treated poorly, not respected, used, and manipulated, it is NOT true love. It is someone using you. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that you have been used, and the emotions want to continue to hang it there, but somehow we must reach deep inside ourselves and believe that true love is mutual – not one way. We must believe we are worthy of love, and that someone will love us for ourselves, not just self-serving use of us as an emotional airbag. I have been 9 months of no contact with my ex, and am feeling much better, but I know how hard it is to let go. My family, friends, and son told me he was using me, but my heart didn’t believe it. Now that I have let my rational mind make decisions, I see it so clearly. I am much better off without him. He didn’t truly love me. He used me and manipulated me. I am so much stronger now. I am posting to let others know it is possible to let go, even if you were in denial and held on way too long like I did.
As much as it hurts, you have to move on from an ex. Trying to fix things or understand things is akin to living in the past. You have to have the confidence that if you just keep moving forward and keep living your life, all your questions will be answered at some point in the future.