I was interviewed the other day regarding my article on how to break up with somebody. This article is one of my favorites, because I really think that it's very important to learn how to break up the right way. If you have never done it before, how would you know what is the right way?
To lose someone, no matter on which side you are, is always painful. You cannot run away from that. What you can do is make sure that you follow some rules to make it easier for you and the one who's left behind.
Here are three interesting questions and answers for you that can help you get a deeper understanding on how to break up gracefully.
The questions and answers
1. What is the best way to break-up with a person? Face to face?
It is definitely the best way to do the break up face to face for two main reasons:
First, it is a question of respect.
If your relationship was largely happy and based on mutual respect, then face to face is a must. You simply owe to your partner that you tell him personally and look him in the eye.
Second, this will make it easier for the person.
A devastating truth is always absorbed better when told by someone that is near to you. This way you can also answer questions the Ex-partner might ask.
It's in some way a last eye-to-eye goodbye.
I also think that it wouldn't be very good for the self-esteem of the “dumper” not to do this personally. This is a very important experience to make.
Of course, the above applies only for “normal” relationships, not abusive or dangerous ones.
2. Is the best part of breaking up getting back together again?
I think that there rarely are reasons for getting back together again. Once you broke up, there is almost never a way back. That is why I teach how to use the break up as an opportunity for self improvement.
There are reasons for break ups. An these are often very deep and do not manifest themselves over night. A good conversation is rarely enough to overcome these problems. Good make up sex is rarely a good reason for trying again as well. This is just a continuation of something that's already doomed, with a fatal end in sight.
Of course the exceptions are so called impulsive break ups, when you walk away from a fight pretending that it's over. Then the making up could in fact be helpful for the relationship. But these almost never occur in longer relationships.
3. What should you never say during a break-up?
You should definitely never say anything that can lead to hope. This is one of the most important rules. If you really want to break up (you should be very sure about this in advance), then be very clear about it.
The classic is: “maybe we'll get back together again if it's meant to be”. This gives the “dumpee” wrong hope, which can immensely delay his healing process. It also would subconsciously hold you back from moving on.
“Deep inside I will love you forever” is the worst you can say for the same reason, even if true.
Also, confronting the person with mistakes he has made during the relationship is not the best thing to do. The best thing is to point out that you don't fit together and that you wanted to move on.
The responsibility is to make it as easy for the dumpee as it can be and this includes sometimes leaving out certain facts and things we'd like to say.
Finally, one should never lose his temper and yell or swear. This will only make things worse and more complicated. One should be prepared for various reactions, some break down and cry, others get aggressive or appear to be cool from the outside. The key is to be friendly and understanding but also clear in your intend.
I hope that I gave you some more insights about coping with this difficult task. As I said before, there is no easy and painless way, but you can avoid some common mistakes.
All the best,
(Graphic made be Eddie Corbano, © all rights reserved)