How do you get over an Ex-Partner if you decide to do so?
What are the specific steps you have to take? What are the realizations you need to have to get over them?
And what are the main obstacles? And how would you overcome them?
Hi, my name is Eddie, and I'm a breakup coach. I teach people how to get over breakups and find new love, basically since 2005.
My good friend Clay asked me to shoot a short video for you to have an idea of what lies ahead.
Before I tell you the specific steps, you need to take, ask yourself, how does it actually look like when you are over your Ex.
And what does emotional independence look like?
What is the primary test, whether you are over your Ex or not?
The ultimate test is when you can stand in front of them and talk to them and feel nothing.
No anger, no fear, no resentment, no love, nothing.
You talk to them just like to anybody else.
And that's the ultimate test. If you can do that, then you are over your Ex officially.
I know it sounds ridiculous at the moment for you, but it's doable.
You can't do it.
You just have to follow specific steps.
Emotional independence, what does that look like?
Emotional independence is when you don't depend on your Ex for anything. Not for happiness, not for… in any regard, you don't rely on your Ex.
You are your own man or woman. And the happiness you feel comes from within.
You don't need your Ex to feel happy or fulfilled. And this doesn't result in being cynical about love, or shielding yourself off, or not trusting anyone.
It's just that the source of your happiness is YOU. And you are basically in love with yourself as much as you are in love with the person that will come into your life, hopefully very soon.
So, it's essential to know these two things:
- How does it look like to get over an Ex
- How does it look like to be emotionally independent
Let's get to the seven steps.
7 Steps to Get Over Your Ex Fast
It's not quite steps per se. It's more realizations, epiphanies, or milestones you need to have in your recovery to get to the point where you are over them.
Epiphany #1 — Your Ex Is Not the Right Partner for You
The number one thing you need to acknowledge and realize is that your Ex-Partner is not the right partner for you. And I know how difficult that is to admit.
I know that you most likely fought for the relationship, that you did everything to get them back, to restore how things were before. But nothing worked because there is a reason for the breakup.
And at the moment, this reason is not resolvable. And if you look back through the relationship and maybe later when you are farther in your recovery, you will realize that there were always signs of incompatibility.
You must tell yourself and acknowledge that your Ex is not the right one for you.
Only then can you go to the next step. So, realization number two, you need to have.
Epiphany #2 — You Have to Want to Get Over Them
You have to be fed up with the situation as it is. You have to WANT to stop wasting your life with this breakup.
Because if you look back, how much time have you wasted on this breakup?
How much energy, emotional energy, pain, sweat, tears?
How long is it?
And it's important that at one point, you tell yourself enough is enough. “I don't want to suffer anymore, and I want to do what is necessary to get over them.”
That is so important.
The next step in your recovery, the subsequent realization you have to make, is so critical.
Epiphany #3 — Acceptance
It's you have to accept that the breakup happened.
This is such an important milestone.
It's when you feel relieved for the first time, and the relief comes from giving up the hope that you'll come together again.
And it sounds easy, but it's so difficult because most of us are holding on to this hope with both hands firmly. We want to avoid letting go because the hope that we will be together again someday is all that is left for us. All that we have.
And once you realize and let go of this, you accept the breakup that happened and all of its consequences.
You are telling yourself and your subconscious that you want to move on and that you want to let go. And this is where you feel relief for the first time in your recovery.
I remember that so well back then when I realized that I have accepted the breakup and how much better that felt. For the first time, I could go through the day. I could function again.
I could go to work, I could have moments of not thinking about them, and you will feel it.
It's such a significant point in your recovery.
The next milestone in your recovery is also a super important one.
Epiphany #4 — “Hidden Core Pain-Points”
It's one aspect that most systems, coaches, courses don't cover after a breakup.
It's finding the very reason that is causing your pain.
I call them the “Hidden Core Pain-Points.”
It's something hidden in your past, early childhood, or some experiences you had as a young adult that created a false belief system.
And this false belief system created a negative “Core-Belief” that is basically ruling your life.
I know this sounds strange and very weird, but it works whenever you find this “Hidden Core Pain-Point” and move it from the subconscious to your conscious awareness.
Magical things will happen, and by making them aware, you will basically resolve them, and by resolving them, you will feel free again for the first time.
This isn't easy to explain.
It's a process to uncover these pain-points by asking yourself questions, going through your childhood, and it's a painful digging process.
But once you have them, you will notice things not only in your breakup recovery but in every aspect of your life.
You will feel freer, and friction will resolve, and you will feel better.
Trust me. This really works.
Just to give you a small example.
One client of mine found out something spectacular, just through emotional digging and asking himself a list of questions that I provided:
He found out that as a child — I think he was five or six years old — he got trapped in a bus while his mother was outside. He got trapped in the bus, and the bus drove away with him still inside.
This, of course, created abandonment issues which he compensated by pushing everyone away that loved him just to not open up to the vulnerability of being left.
And when he realized that and connected this specific event to everything that happened right to the main breakup he had … it freed him.
He realized that he had basically sabotaged all of his relationships, and he tried just to avoid pain.
So, that was super helpful for him, and all of his future relationships went the way he wanted them to.
I encourage you to do a little digging into your past and find that one thing that is shaping your belief system about relationships, and breakups, and abandonment, until this day.
Epiphany #5 — Consciously Disengage From Your Ex
Step number five or realization number five is that you have to disengage from your Ex consciously at one point in your recovery.
Many people don't do that.
That's why so many people feel stuck for so many years.
They are just after the stages “Acceptance” and “Letting Go.”
These are two stages of the breakup recovery, and they cannot get to the next stage because they haven’t consciously disengaged with their Ex.
At one point, you have to. We do that in the course with certain goodbye rituals or letters you write and burn.
There are lots of exercises to do that.
But the main thing is that you have to disengage yourself consciously from your Ex.
It's a conscious step.
Epiphany #6 — The Need to Be Yourself Again
Step number six is to rediscover yourself.
Maybe you've done that already while following the No-Contact Rule.
Clay teaches you to follow the no contact rule, but not just follow the no contact rule, but also be active in the no contact period.
You need to reconnect to the person you really are.
You need to find out “who am I?” and “who have I become?” through the relationships in my life?
“Have I betrayed the person I am deep down?”
And “how did I betray that person deep down?”
Basically, what you need to do is find out who you are deep down and be that person again.
Do the things that this person would do.
Feel the things that this person would feel.
This is very liberating because realize it or not,
if you've been in a long-term relationship, sometimes 20 or 30 years, then there are chances that you have abandoned the person you really are.
Could that be?
So find out what you love to do, what you are passionate about, what energizes you.
Who are you really, and start being that person again.
It will help you in your recovery.
And the last step.
Epiphany #7 — Consciously Leap Into a New Life
The seventh step is to move on from your Ex and leap into a new life.
This is also a conscious step that you need to take.
You need to look back, make a relationship inventory:
- What are the things that I've learned with this breakup?
- How have I grown?
- Where are the areas that I need to work on?
- What personal issues do I have?
Take all that into account and just open up, forgive yourself and your Ex for the mistakes that you've made, and make the next step:
Either start dating, started attracting the right person, or be happy alone.
Be emotionally dependent, find your happiness from within and just be happy alone.
You don't need another partner if you don't want one.
It's the society that's making the pressure.
These were the seven steps or realizations you need to move on from an Ex and become emotionally independent.
I wish you all the best for that journey. It is a journey worth taking.
And when I look back at my breakup, it was the very best thing that ever happened to me.
I would never have believed it if somebody would've said that to me back then.
But it is true.
It made me the person I am today.
I found my perfect partner, wife. We are together now since 2006 and have two beautiful twins. And it's just the life that I've always envisioned myself to have.
I have it because of this breakup.
And so can you.
I wish you all the best for it.
I hope you loved this video, and I hope it was helpful for you.
If you want to dive deeper into the topic, I encourage you to subscribe to my newsletter. I have a daily newsletter.
I sent our daily emails with education, motivation, inspiration to help you with your breakup.
I've even created a mini-course about how to stop obsessing over your Ex.
So if you have this specific problem, and I think you have, I encourage you to subscribe to this newsletter.
And if you even want to take a step further, you can check out my course, which is the Ex-DETOX Course.
It's a home-study version of my best coaching, and it teaches you how to get over an Ex much quicker than if you just let time do the work.
We also have a huge community that is behind this.
So check it out, take a look.
I wish you all the best.
I hope I see you. Take care.
Your friend and coach,