3 Reasons Why I’m Happy I Went Through the Pain of My Breakup

Photo by: PaysImaginaire
Photo by: PaysImaginaire

“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.”
― Khalil Gibran

A very good friend of mine recently went through an excruciating breakup, and he asked for my help. While I usually avoid taking on friends and relatives as clients, I just couldn’t turn him away.

So we sat down together, and I gave the initial talk where I explain what lies ahead and what the next weeks are going to look like. While I talked about the three main things he has to tackle in order to start his recovery, I noticed a weird look on his face.

It’s the face someone makes when you tell them something they don’t want to hear.

painisbreakingshellThe initial talk I give, when I explain how to stop thinking of your Ex, how to discover the real you, and how to finally take the leap into your new life, can be a little intimidating.

Because the path he was about to embark on is definitely not an easy one.

He continued to look at me in that weird way until he finally broke the silence to finally tell me what was on his mind.

He said, “Why on earth should I take on this heavy burden with all this pain on this excruciating path? Why not just take the shortcut?”

“What is the shortcut?” I asked him.

“I could just find someone new and just start from the beginning.”

“It doesn’t work that way,” I replied. “You have to go through the pain in order to make the best out of this traumatic experience”.

He didn’t seem to understand, so I decided to go a little deeper into that matter.

I then explained him why this breakup is an opportunity for him – not just a burden. I told him the three reasons why I was happy to have gone through this challenging time and why I knew that taking the shortcut would never have worked in the long run.

I told him that all I am today, the life I have built with my wife and kids, all the happiness and fulfillment I am experiencing now, is thanks to this breakup.

If it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. And I certainly wouldn’t have the wonderful family I have today.

He looked at me in a very suspicious way, as he didn’t believe a word I was saying, so I continued.

3 Things My Breakup Did for Me

“You never know how strong you are…until being strong is the only choice you have.”
― Cayla Mills

It isn’t easy to convince someone who is in great emotional pain, and who just wants it to stop, that this same pain has its purpose, a usefulness that lies beyond what we feel.

So I started to tell him my reasons why I am so happy and thankful my Ex left me and forced me into recovery:

#1 – The pain will identify the personal areas you need to work on.

One of the best things about a breakup is that it uncovers things you’ve been struggling with your whole life. But the problem is, it uncovers them in a brutal, almost violent way.

We all have what I call a “hidden pain” buried deep somewhere inside of us. This may be early childhood experiences, some minor traumas, or just stuff that went wrong in the past and created a false belief system.

When a breakup happens, it sticks and twists the knife exactly in that wound.

What sounds and feels awful can actually be a blessing. Because it shows us exactly where we have to work on ourselves.

Isn’t that a useful thing?

#2 – The pain will remove your Ex from the pedestal.

At the beginning of the breakup, it is normal to see the Ex as the ultimate partner who is perfect in every imaginable way. We’ve put them on a pedestal to worship them every day.

When you go through recovery the right way, it will remove the Ex from that pedestal and show you the real nature of the relationship and how it really was. In fact, this is a necessity if you want to progress through the different phases.

If you take the shortcut, however, your Ex will most probably stay on this pedestal for infinity. This will make it very difficult for you – if not impossible – to learn from past relationships and to improve yourself, becoming better and better with time in relationships.

This is a must – because who wants to make the same mistakes over and over again?

#3 – The pain will make you stronger and happier.

This is definitely one of the biggest and most obvious benefits of a painful breakup (even if it’s nearly impossible to believe that right at the beginning).

What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.

3 Reasons Why I'm Happy I Went Through the Pain of My BreakupDoes this known expression also apply to breakups?

A recent study conducted by Ty Tashiro and Patricia Frazier and published in the Journal of Personal Relationships showed that most of the surveyed students reported their overall life quality improved after they recovered from their breakup:

The first finding of interest was that every single participant listed some positive life changes as a result of their breakup, and there were on average five positive changes reported following these breakups. Some examples of the positive changes included feeling more confident, independent, or closer to their friends or family following the breakup.

When I started my own recovery, it was almost impossible for me to imagine that one day this pain will stop, that one day I will be a happier and stronger person (no matter who told me).

Most of us aren’t able to do that.

Those of us who are going through a breakup right now are left with the vague trust that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel, that there is a reward at the other end of the pain.

I know that it’s difficult, but there is hope and strength in believing and trusting those who were there, who have persevered and survived.

Conclusion

When I told my good friend that these three things made my recovery the best thing I have ever done in my life, the look on his face changed from being skeptical, to being excited to start.

While I knew that the skepticism was still there, I also knew that this boost of excitement would be enough to get him to start doing the things that needed to be done in order to heal.

Sometimes, we just need a small push in the right direction to overcome the “force of friction.”Click To Tweet

The rest of the voyage we have to do on our own.

There is no other way when you stand at the crossroads after the breakup, choosing which way to go.

Will you choose the shortcut, or will you take on the pain and the work it takes?

Tell me in the comment section below!

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

  • Hi Eddie,

    I must say, as a sanctified woman in the church, everybody’s response to my situation has been “Just pray”. And though I fully believe and know the power of prayer, sometimes we need some help. When I first met and saw my ex at the beginning of this year, I could tell that he was not the man for me. And though everything in me said to leave him where he was, I felt that I would never have the love I longed for and so I settled for someone who was 30 years old with nothing to show for it but 5 children he did not take care of, and a sex offender record. I kept giving the benefit of the doubt to someone who used me for what I had, cursed me out and treated me like a common whore. I let him use me for my body because i didnt want to deal with his attitude if i resisted him. And by the time I had gotten so disgusted with him that I had to leave, I was pregnant. It’s been 4 months since I left him, and even though I have been hurt before, something about this experience has damaged me to the point that I can hardly see the person I was anymore. I never feel joy like I used to. Now I feel mostly anger, and hurt, and maybe even hate, not just for him, but for myself. And the fact that I’m carrying his child doesn’t help. I can’t seem to just shake off, or pray of these feelings. And it’s not that I still want or love him because I’d rather die than be with him ever again. The fact that a friend of mine that I have known for years is all of a suddne bffs with him doesn’t help the hurt either. I don’t know if I will ever completely heal, but this article has really helped me the past few days. Thank you. And any wisdom I’ll gladly take. Be blessed, you’re doing a great thing. I pray that I can help others by my pain someday!

  • I really appreciate what Eddie says here. It’s been two weeks since my ex left me after being together for 9 years. It still is difficult but I already see why it went wrong and feel I’m given a chance to learn about myself and grow. In the end, my life is mine and I need to look after myself. All the best to the ones in the same/similar place!

  • Cosmin Chifan says:

    Dave: if it is love, the distance, as space and time, will not matter, but if she told you it not ready, I think it is best for you , to just remove yourself from this rs, from what you say, both feel good now, but both have different expectations from this rs, I think if you continue as it is now, you will only gain more pain and lost time…

  • I was single for almost 2 years when I went out for a friend’s bday. I met and clicked with one of her best friends. We kissed that night and swapped numbers. Went on a date a few days later after some light texting.

    We then got together about a week later. It was perfect. We’d chill in each others company. We’d send the cute texts to one another. We were just so comfortable with one another.

    Then a few weeks in, she revealed she’d always had this dream of travelling/working abroad. I encouraged the convo and suggested I was exactly the same. I’ve always wanted to travel.

    Then just last week, I received some horrible news from the hospital about a mole. She come over to comfort me and I sensed eventually that something was on her mind.

    She gradually revealed she didn’t think she was ready for a relationship. She’d been in a 5 year relationship a few months prior to meeting me. She’d been in that relationship since she was 17. She explained she’d booked a place in a resort to travel to and work in as of March/April. She’d put it off all her life and felt she’d regret it for the rest of her life if she never went. So she wants to go over there and find herself. Not necessarily just to get ready and come back, but to try make a life for herself.

    It was painful to hear the least. It had nothing to do with the other news I’d heard that day and it was only cause I forced her to admit it, that she did. She still feels bad about telling me the same night.

    We’ve still been hanging out though however. She agrees that going cold turkey on each other would hurt more. We’ve both admitted feelings are STILL there for each other. That chemistry is definitely there and that the timing just isn’t.

    I’m incredibly gutted and just can’t get my head around it. The fact it was all very good and happy and still ended suddenly. We still hug and still kiss (for now, goodbyes etc)

    What do I do to give her the time to go off and find herself? What do I do to keep my mind off her and potentially wait on her coming back (there’s no guarantee she will btw)

    Please help!

  • Thank you for your site! I have been in an up and down relationship for almost three years now. I have tired the no-contact many times after knowing our relationship would never work since he was never committed to me, and it was more about the physical rather then the emotional. Even when blocking him from my phone though and changing my email he would still find a way to contact me and our relationship would continue for a few more months. I never had the strength to stand my ground when he showed these stalker tendencies, and I would give into his pretty words. It may sound crazy, but I think I am now missing the attention after 3 months of no-contact, the longest time in these past three years, and want to contact him now. It hurts so much, as you stated a physical pain. I keep thinking, what if I just ask how he is… but I know in my head, but not in my heart that I am lying to myself. This makes me realize I am not a very strong person, and I shouldn’t grasp for his attention to feel better. But it’s still soooo hard! I hope with each month that passes his hold on me will go away. A big part of me wants him to contact me, even though that would be hard to do now since I changed my number. But even with all his faults I still have feelings for him. I wish they would just go away! I hope presently I will find the strength to not re-open new wounds, and continue the no-contact. I also hope that if he does contact me, I will have the strength to ignore him, or tell him to leave me alone for good. If anyone has advise that would be great…

  • Sonya Matejko says:

    I love this. I took on the pain and dealt through it as well. I personally cannot believe how much better my life is after going through a heartbreak I never thought would end. I find myself more confident and aware of what I’m looking for. That pain was one of the best things that ever happened to me and I am grateful for it. As much as we hate to hear it when we’re on the other side… Time really does heal all. It not only gets better, but it has the chance to be simply fantastic, too.

  • Leo Kennedy says:

    Well, The break up was in June. The first several weeks were awful to say the least. The first week I barely left my apartment, spent most days crying, not eating, not sleeping, I had complete apathy toward pretty much everything in life. Things I liked I wouldn’t do, I had no interest in them. I forget exactly how long it was into the break up before I found Eddie’s site. I’d say maybe six weeks. And during that six week period there was constant communication back-and-forth between my ex and I, which made things just exponentially worse. This was the period where I was emailing, texting, calling, pleading for mercy, embarrassing myself, all to no avail. She simply was cold, distant, and not interested in communicating at all. To the extent, she said, “this is why I avoid communication, because it hurts. And I don’t like that!”I would describe myself as being an emotional train wreck, plus I had severe economic problems, and I actually went through a short period where I was legitimately suicidal. And I had three things actually going on, the break up from this woman who I had fallen completely and totally in love with, I’d been separated from my wife for about 14 months and was going through the divorce, and most importantly with the recent break up, I learned that I was in a relationship with an absolute diagnosable narcissist. Over the course of the relationship she had sucked literally every ounce of self-worth, self-esteem, and countless thousands of dollars from me only to kick me to the curb like a bag of trash when she was done with me, literally in an unexpected instant one day. No warning whatsoever. But, in her mind, this was “not goodbye” she wanted to remain in contact and remain friends. She just wanted the opportunity to see other people and wanted me around I guess just in case things didn’t work out with this guy she had been cheating on me with or anyone new she met. I learned The guy she had been cheating on me with had been around for the length of the entire relationship at some level. To give you an example of just how evil she was,none week after the breakup, on what what would have been our first night in Cancun Mexico at and all inclusive five star resort, a trip that was planned and paid for, she was actually out to dinner at one of the most expensive and romantic restaurants in this guys area, while I sat home with a broken heart wondering what the hell happened.

    I went and got the emotional help I needed with a psychologist and a psychiatrist, but most importantly enter Eddie’s Ex Detox system. I read the e-book cover to cover, went back to page 1, and I have been working the program since. And all I can say it is unquestionably the best money I ever spent. I’ve learned more about myself than I anticipated. I’ve identified many things in my history, my character, and my personality that I needed to repair. I had been handing over responsibility for my happiness not only to my wife of 20 years, but to my girlfriend who had just dumped me as well. I learned I hadn’t taken responsibility for my happiness in over 20 years. I hadn’t been alone in over 20 years. And I had lost a lot of those abilities that I had before I met my wife that made me a truly happy person on my own.

    All I can say is the program works. If you work it page by page on a daily basis beginning with NO CONTACT. You will ultimately start to recover. I’m at the point now where I’m practicing and reciting several affirmations that I’ve written specifically for myself several times a day. And they work! I’ve identified the list of 15 character traits to self discovery and am retraining my inner child. And I’ve created a list of things I want to accomplish that had been sitting for years because of a bad marriage and even worse relationship. Life without your EX is out there people! And it will be amazing.

    The quotes in this article are so true! I embody the quote, “You never know how strong you are until being that strong is the only choice you have.” I was broke, everyone I ever loved was gone, and I was experiencing the worst hopelessness and helplessness I ever thought imaginable. And I’m really surprised I made it through that 24 hour period. It’s a long story, but I do believe in divine intervention, without which I honestly don’t think I’d be here. After that, it was Eddie Corbano and his system and his program that have gotten me through. All I can say is work the program, page by page, line by line, do it diligently, and recovery will be yours. I’m sure it will happen and different rates of time for different people. But it will happen and it is amazing. I can honestly say that I live every day now for the most part pain-free. And the break up was only 13 weeks ago. I did manage to regain quite a bit of power from my ex narcissist. That’s something not to be published here, but it was pivotal in my recovery!

    All I can say is I absolutely agree with Eddie. There is no better time than when you are truly broken and truly vulnerable to rediscover yourself a rebuild your life.

    Best of luck to all my fellow recovery patients. Stick with it, your life will again be yours. That I am sure of.

  • Hi all
    Its been a minute since I have been here. Anyway. My break up was on January 4th of 2014 and I went NC the middle of April 2014. Haven’t had any communication with my ex since then. Blocked him. The road to recovery was not an easy one. But I can’t say that I am completely over him but I can say that I DO NOT WANT HIM BACK.
    I found out today that he is having a baby due in January, not with the lady he was cheating on me with but with someone else (he is still seeing the lady he was cheating on me with). I always thought that I would be devastated if this would ever happen. The funny thing is that I am not. One thing I am thankful for is that I am not tangled in his “love” mess anymore,
    What I am struggling with is how come I am still single. I know last year this time I was emotionally unavailable. I tried to date a little. Joined some dating sites but kept attracting men who were not serious and I was able to recognize that so I just quit all together. Now I feel like I am ready to be in a relationship. A real one not the faux one I had with my ex for 5 years, I can’t seem to attract anyone. Like no one. I am pretty. People tell me that. I am intelligent and smart, but why am I single? I don’t want to go online and meet anyone because 90% of the men on there are just no good and are looking for a cheap date. I don’t really have the patience to go through the other 10%.
    Sigh. Anyone have any tips on how to start dating again or meet nice men please share. I am going to be 43 next month 🙂

  • My ex and I went through the roughest year of failing to communicate and understand each others values. We took a break from february to late march/early april which really showed how much we cared about each other and how we wanted to make it work. However as it came to late July our communication began to break down again, which resulted in him telling me that he no longer saw a relationship for us.

    His words struck deep and still do.

    Looking back at our situation the odds were that our relationship wasn’t going to last anyway. But I was willing to make it work.
    I at the age of 21 going on 22 having just finished university and already blessed with having the opportunity to land a successful graduate job.
    My ex at the age of 20, after failing to be accepted in to the navy after numerous attempts, begins university mid september.
    It was already frustrating of the fact that me moving back home (50/60 miles away from him) meant that distance and finding time to see each other was going to put a strain on things, but the idea of him moving further away to university, and have this whole new opportunity to take on his own journey of exploring and finding himself, made me jealous.
    Jealous of the fact that we are in different parts of our lives, that we can’t share the journey side by side, that deep down I knew we would out grow each other.

    It’s only been a few weeks since our break-up and I honestly feel like I’ve been going through every single emotion possible. One minute I hate him for breaking up with me, the next minute I wish him the best with everything and I hope that he’s able to find someone he can travel his journey with.
    As for me I know the world is my oyster, I know that I’ll eventually find someone that I can connect with on a physical and emotional level who understands and maybe even shares my values in life.

    I just really wished it was him >_<

  • Good day,Eddie

    Thank you very much for this sight which is a great healer for those of us who have been shown flames.I value your advice because it
    is almost always true.This sight has helped me to heal, take control of my life and remove the source of pain from the pedestal.May God continue to bless you as you have been a blessing to others.I do agree that the short cut is not the way to go and the painful difficult route really does open ones eyes. I see things clearly now and cant believe what I put myself through and I’m still in the process of forgiving myself.I am stronger ,smarter and more confident then before.Thank you very much.

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