Have YOU Made These Mistakes After Your Relationship Break Up?
by Eddie Corbano
Months, or even years after a relationship break up, we will fully realize the fatal mistakes we made right after it happened. Especially the panic controlled actions that made us appear as a different person – often we don’t recognize ourselves any more.
It can bring out the worst in us.
It usually happens that we hate ourselves later for the things we’ve done. This is understandable, but the wrong thing to do. Not only does it damage our self-esteem, which is urgently needed for the recovery, (what’s left of it), but it also destroys the new concept of self-love we are trying to build up.
Avoid these feelings by telling yourself that the past is the past, and concentrate on the NOW.
There is a famous quote where it says that one should learn from the mistakes OTHERS make and thereby avoid them.
On the other hand:
“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.”
—John Powell
I believe that there are two kinds of mistakes: the kind that you can learn and evolve from, and the kind that should be avoided.
When it comes to post relationship break up mistakes, there are some which better be avoided. The following fall into that category.
Here are the main mistakes most people make right AFTER a relationship break up:
Mistake #1: Panic Controlled Actions
Confronted by what we think is the worst that can happen to us, we do anything to fight it off: we plead, we beg, cry in front of our Exes, harass, stalk, write e-mails, IMs, etc.
All these things will make you cringe when you later think about it.
I think that almost every “Dumpee” makes these mistakes – I don’t think that they are completely avoidable. These are desperate actions by our “animal” part of the brain, fighting for survival.
The sad thing is that they are completely useless. I’ve never heard that a “Dumper” came back after the “Dumpee” wrote them a gazillion e-mails begging to have mercy.
If you’ve made these mistakes, don’t beat yourself up over them. If you’re about to commit them, try to resist.
Mistake #2: Reassuring Love
We are committed to thinking that if they only KNEW how much we loved them, they would come back immediately, so we keep telling them – over and over again.
The only problem is, they KNOW. They’re breaking up anyway.
Breakups happen rarely because the “Dumper” thinks that they are not being loved. Constant reassurance only leads to humiliation.
Mistake #3: Hoping To Stay Friends
This is a very common mistake that is often made by those having little experience with relationship break ups.
I know that your Ex was your best friend, your intimate partner, the closest person to you. But it is impossible to maintain this kind of relationship AFTER the breakup. Everything has changed – nothing is as it was before.
You can’t count on your Ex any longer, because they will harm you more than they would help.
The good news is, you CAN find another support system: Look for old friends who used to be close. Your family should also be of great help.
Use every connection you have for support – you need it.
Mistake #3 leads us directly to the next one.
Mistake #4: Maintaining Contact
The no-contact rule is the number one precondition IF you want to get over your relationship break up fast.
Look at it like a drug addict: you can’t get clean with YOUR drug right in front of you.
I talk about this is more detail here.
Mistake #5: Use Your Exes Friends And Family
Out of the ambition to make sense out of all of it, we use their friends or their family. We interview, manipulate and try to use them for our purposes.
Besides the fact that they rarely know anything about the deeper reasons, it really is inappropriate to involve a third person in your breakup. This is something that’s between you and your Ex.
If you do this, you will regret it later.
Mistake #6: Rebound Relationships
Many people leapfrog into a new affair right after their relationship breaks up.
I absolutely do not recommend that.
It may appear that this is the best thing to do in order to get over your Ex but, believe me, the opposite is the case.
You will be constantly comparing to your Ex, everything will remind you of them and you will be frustrated, because NOBODY is as good as your Ex. (This is an illusion of course).
It will throw you back and it will mask your pain, hiding you from the issues your breakup needs to resolve. Don’t deny yourself the opportunity to work these things out. If you do, you have to face that problem again and again, from relationship to relationship.
For many people, healing will not start until they are alone with themselves, confronting their inner demons.
These are the main mistakes most people make right AFTER their relationship breaks up.
Please don’t beat yourself up if you’ve already made some of them. Even if they should be avoided, some of these mistakes are part of the healing and learning process.
So even IF you will look back month/years later and regret a few things you’ve done, they might have been necessary to get you to the point you are today.
Now it’s your turn, tell me, which one if these mistakes have you made?
(Photograph is a courtesy of LunaDiRimmel)
My Recommendation For Further Reading:
- 10 Secrets About Men - Very Recommendable Inside-Tips from Christian Carter
- Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends - THE Classic Book About Breakup Recovery
- For Men: Getting Your Groove Back After A Breakup - Approaching Women and Getting Physical
5 Must-See Related Posts:
About The Author:
Eddie Corbano is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on August 25th, 2009)
Show all posts by Eddie Corbano
Tags: healing, mistakes, pain, relationship break up, self-esteem, self-love
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i love all that………… thanks ,for such a wonderful work ,done y U….!!!
HhH | November 20, 2009 | more»
thanks for this best poems
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thanks for Tejendra Pun, that poem wrote to someone but the meaning is for everyone that felt love
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I know that your break up was some time ago now but reading your story I am feeling the same way. My boyfriend broke up with me last week. I would like to...
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i like this poem very much because i touch my heart directly
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I’ve done most of those things. Worst still, I held on till the bitter end. It got so sour because I couldn’t let go (I wanted us to remain close and so had unfair expectations of him…) that he resorted to disappearing altogether. I went through something traumatic, called him, and he chose not to be there for me. That hurt like hell. He chose not to care about my well being at all. I continued on to send one last email giving him the choice to stay in my life or not, and he declined. That hurts like hell, yet again. So I’ve made mistakes #1-4. It’s gotten me nowhere. I’m still hurt and confused…after one long year. Thank you for the site and everyone contributing to it, it helps.
Hi Everyone!
Since I posted my first post on here last week, I have had feed back from so many great people. I have replied and have really looked at what I was writing. Looking from the outside and reading what I wrote, it is so ugly, but why can’t I shake this? I know I am a strong person. This isn’t my first time. I have gone through the pain of divorce, I have loved another deeply before, but why am I having such a hard time with this man? He has gone on….why can’t i? I was thinking today…In the past relationships I thought I would never get over it, but I did. I just have to smile thinking about that now. I know I will over come this. I know I will go on and he will become a distant memory, but in the mean time…I just hate feeling this way…I hate being on the verge of tears, I hate being sad, I hate feeling lonely. Can anyone help me with this? I wish there was a magic cure for this and I will feel better. I can’t think of anything that I did in the past to deal with the loss…I guess it just takes time.
I have avoided any contact with him, I have remained a strong person to him and never have I let him know how hurt I really am. I have never told him how I miss him. I have never discussed any of this with his family. To him…I have moved on and acted like our parting has never botherd me. I should hate him for everything he has put me through, but I can’t.. One thing I have never done is blame myself for this. I refuse to take the blame even though he had put it on me. It has been 8 months and he has been living with another women a month after I was gone. I have only seen him once since our split. I have only talked to him on the phone a couple times in all of this time. There has been some slight email contact between us regarding a few material things that needed to be resolved. He did recently send a email to me and threw somethings in my face. I don’t know if that is what put me in this sad situation right now or what? Like I said in a earlier post…I should be shouting from the roof tops that I am away from him. Everything that I have said about him is the truth. Yes, we got a long good, yes we laughed, joked and was silly a lot of the times. Yes, I loved his family and friends and they loved me too. But the terrible truth is….I really didn’t like him all the time. Yes, there was love, but there was a lot of issues too. I was so tired of being afraid of saying the wrong thing. I was so tired that everything was my fault, I was so tired of everything was what he wanted, what he wanted to do, where he wanted to go ect…That is the truth. It was all about him. Yes, he wasn’t mean to me, but my needs and wants didn’t matter and I see that now that I have been away. Was I happy…yes and no. Did I really think this was forever??? To be completely honest…I don’t think so. I just settled and was comfortable.
I have been doing some shopping for the holidays and I find myself thinking…WOW..he would of loved this. That was the way I was with him. I was so giving and truthfully, I loved giving him things that I knew he wanted or would love. Last Christmas he opened his presents and he hugged me and said…How do you always know what I want? He said he has never had anyone do for him like I do. Is it the holidays coming up that is getting to me?
I am so frustrated now because I just want to look at it for what it truthfully is. He was not my “Forever”, but I miss him. After everything that I just wrote here, you would think I would just be thankful, walk away and go on with my life, but I am stuck.
I have tried to do everything, from excerising, to going back to school ect….but the hurt is still here. By things that he has said…I believe he thinks that i have moved on with someone else. I have never said that or implied that. If he chooses to believe that, then that is his issue. He always thought that I was the girl that had all the boyfriends ect…..So maybe to justify his own actions, I think he believes I have moved on. I have met some really nice men, but I am no where near getting into any kind of relationship. I just want to take care of myself right now.
So after reading this…..If any of you have any suggestions, I would really appreciate it. Until then…I will dry my tears, be thankful for what I do have in my life and do my very best to lift my head up and go on.
Take Care…xo
I feel so bad for you. I know exactly how you feel. I broke up with my ex about a year and a half ago and I am still dealing with it. I was with him for 10 years so I guess it takes time to fully get over someone especially if you were with them for a while. I have enrolled in school to keep my mind off of a lot of things but at the end of the day when you get ready for bed and all you have time to do is think, you can’t help but think about some things. I must say I am not traumatized as I was in the beginning but I still have a ways to go. If you have friends, then consider yourself lucky. At least you have them to turn to when you need someone to talk to or just hang out and have fun. I really do feel that if you just stay focused, keep busy, and remember why you are not together in the first place, that everything will be ok. We break up for a reason, even though we don’t want to believe that other person doesn’t want to be with us, we have to accept it and move on. They did. Once you accept that person doesn’t want to be with you anymore, doors will start opening for you. There is someone for you who will love you for you and treat you like you are supposed to be treated. Just remember, there is someone for each of us and in time you will meet. Stay strong and I wish you well.
Thank you so much. Reading what you wrote, really made me think long and hard about things. Everything you said is so true.
We can’t change the way they feel or what they decide to do with thier life. I know in my heart that after our last argument that I was done. It was late that night, so I decided to sleep on the couch. I had such a over whelming sense of peace that night. I think I had finally realized what I had to do for me and that was to walk away. I just couldn’t say I was sorry again for something I really felt in my heart was not my fault. He said some terrible things to me. That is what I have to remember on days like today. I have to remember why I had to leave that day and never come back. I wasn’t happy anymore, but it didn’t make it easier. He said to me the next day…We both are just to stubborn to be a couple. In some ways that is true. It is always his way, and I fought against that. We were a team, it wasn’t one way or another. I am a firm believer in team work and partnership. I wanted to be his partner, not his child. That is what I fought for.
This is what I had to remember reading what you wrote. I didn’t loose the best thing in my life. I lost what I thought might have been the best thing. I know different…I just have to remember that.
I did what was best for me. If him meeting someone within a few days after our split is what he felt was best for him, then I wish him well and I have told him that. I am choosing to not do that. I want to deal with whatever I need to do for myself first and don’t want any baggage with anyone new that I might meet.
I am lucky to have a great family and friends. A lot of them have helped me. I am the only girl with five brothers. My brothers have talked to me. At first, it was….Do you think you guys can work this out?? If you love each other it will work out ect…..I finally had to admit to them everything that went on and that he went out of town to visit a friend two days after our split and met his friends step sister and that a week later she drove up here and after a few weeks was living with him. Thier mouths just hung open. All they could say was….You have got to be kidding me?? He has done what??
After that…each one of them told me… You deserve so much more.
That I deserve to be treated so much better than he did me. Although my family thought the world of him…. they are all glad I am no longer with him.
I am taking your advice on staying focused. I need to stay focused and remember that I do deserve so much better. I am going to try my best to get up, start doing things again….get busy and put this person out of my mind. There are things for Christmas that I realize now that I left in his basement that I brought from my house. But…if I really need something, I will go out and buy new. The thought of talking to him makes my stomach sick. Since his email to me late last week, I have since blocked him from my computer. I can not see him online and he can’t see me. I have deleted everything he has ever sent me. I don’t know if this is the best thing for me, but it is what I need to do. I have always been very close to his father, he invited me to the lake that we went to every weekend this past summer. I would only go during the week while I knew my ex was working. I had great times with his father going for long boat rides and visiting him and our other friends at the lake. I will add…without a mention of my ex. It was just us having fun. His father would call me to say hi and ask how I am and that he misses me. So, I have a gift for him for Christmas I already bought. and I will send that by mail to his house. His mother has passed, so for the past 3 yrs at Christmas I have made a beautiful arrangement for her grave site. His family has cried and thanked me for doing that. My mom has passed also, so as I made my mom something, I wanted to do the same for his mother. So, I will send the present to his father, I will make and put the arrangement on his mothers grave without anyone knowing that I have done so. That is my closure. After that…I am done. I will go forward as of that point and put the past 3 yrs behind me. That is the best present I could give to myself. I guess…I just needed to be woke up to what I truly need to be thankful for and I have so much to be thankful for. I know I won’t live the rest of my life and never be hurt again. I have had a lot of loss in my life in the past two years, but sometimes I forgot how very strong I am. I never give myself credit for that.
So from now on…If I feel like crying..I will do that. If I feel sad…I will do that, but shake it off and go on. I know one day I will meet that person I am suppose to be with. I know one day I will find that person that will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
I know it is hard after 3 yrs. I have no idea what it would be like after 10 yrs. I wish you well.
Thank You again for everything. It really did help me.
Earlier this year, I went through a hard time in my life. My father died unexpectedly from lung cancer. A week later I got into a car accident and got a couple cars totaled. A few weeks later, under all the stress, I flipped at my girlfriend of 4 years, who I deeply loved. A girl at school I had been friends with for a year and half (We’re juniors in college, in the same major) asked me to hang out with her and a friend of hers one night. I did, and during that night we each talked about how upset we were in our relationships (She had dated a guy 2 1/2 years). So we agreed to break up with our significant others, and we would support each other in this. Sooner than later, me and her started dating, but she never really broke up with the guy. She gave me excuses and such, but I took her word for it that she would. Me and her hit it off amazingly. We both described it as ‘perfect’, without a hitch. Unfortunately, her guilt when she finally broke up with him was too much, and she wanted to try again with him. After about 3 months of dating, she broke up with me one night under some very strange conditions. I told her I was accepting of this, and I still wanted to work with her, as friends, because we had been friends for so long. She agreed and said we should still be good friends.
However, she quit talking to me, and later, through friends of hers, I found out she denied we had ever dated. She had accused me of being a stalker, and of being some sort of “manipulative control freak”. We were very sexually active, and she even denied this to everyone.
How do I stop the rage that I feel. This has been 6 months, and I feel ridiculous, but I’m unfortunately stuck in many classes with her, and will probably continue to be. She emailed me today, after several months, and seems like she’s open to talking. But we haven’t talked in person since about 2 weeks from before we broke up. And she is still refusing to meet in person. What do I do to stop this anger? I love her, and I care about her as a friend, so I could not do anything to hurt her, and yet, I feel so screwed, so mislead. She even told me for the first 2 months that we were so compatible that she just needed some time and we might go out again. Not the case now… But it hurts so much….