It has been awhile since I have visited this site, but I have read all the emails that have come to me. I just wanted to give a update…
It has now been a year since the split from my boyfriend and if you would have asked me 6 months ago if I would be feeling the way I do today, I would have never believed it. I am doing really good. There is such a change in me since my first post on this site. I have to say, this site really helped me. Reading the emails that Eddie sends to us, to reading all of your comments and replies has helped alot. Also an important thing is believing in yourself. I went through every stage that is mentioned. My problem though was I got stuck in the hurt stage for way to long. I wasn’t angry with him, I was still thinking I lost the best thing that came into my life! OH My…have things changed. I finally dug deep inside and was truthful with myself. I don’t really know why I stuck it out for as long as I did with him. 3 yrs was a longtime. I had people telling me that I deserved so much more and that I should be shouting from the roof tops that I am free of him, but I didn’t see it. I was hurt, crushed, disappointed ect….Then one day….it hit me. Well, with him and another dig at me really woke me up to who this man really is. He isn’t that wonderful man that I thought he was. I will still say that he is a good person, but a very selfish one. I don’t wish bad things for him. I just don’t want to ever see or speak to him ever in my life. That part of my life is over and I am happy to tuck it away and not look back. I always thought that maybe on some level we could remain friends, but that isn’t possible. In order to heal, I can’t do that. All I would do is leave the door open for more hurt. That is why the no contact rule is so important. At the begining there was some issues that still needed to be resolved between us, so it was impossible to do that, but I tried as much as I could. I have only seen him once since out split and that was to get things from his house. The rest of my things I insisted it be given to his father so that I had no contact with him. There has only been a hand full of phone calls between us in this years time. Months ago I blocked him on the computer so that he couldn’t see me online. He has sent plenty of emails, but i don’t respond to any of them. My intention is not to be mean or hurtful to him, but to think of myself now.
That is one of the things I realized, is that during our time together, I didn’t think of myself. It was all about him. I look back now and things are so clear. There was no “WE” with us…It was always “I”.
Yes, we got along most of the time, but that was because I always did what he wanted. He never cared or did anything I wanted. With this relationship, on one level I was his princess, he complimented me always, was affectionate ect… then the first time I had a different opinion than his or had one of my own, it went down hill. Either my tone was bad or I had that look in my eyes. If I tried to explain, then I was arguing. After a certain amount of time he would ask me if I was ready to apologize to him. So I did to stop the silent treatment. Can you believe that? Our last dumb disagreement, it went as I listed above, but this time he said my apology wasn’t sincere enough. That is when my stomach flip flopped for the last time I knew I was done. It doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt to walk out, because it killed me, but I couldn’t take it anymore. I loved this man, but I didn’t like him at all. Then if you read my earlier posts…..Within a week he went out of town, met his friends step sister and has been with her ever since. That is what broke my heart, that he could move on so fast, but that is something I couldn’t control. It is…what it is. Probably on some level our relationship was over before I walked out of that door that day. Not giving him any excuses, but I was gone and he had every right to do what he wanted. That certainly didn’t help me the months later. He didn’t admit to this for awhile, but then finally he did and I heard..Oh I am sorry, I wasn’t looking for it ect…I just said..Stop there is no need to explain yourself to me. During this whole ordeal, I have held my head high and stayed on the high road. I never said a negative thing, never raised my voice, never said a word to his family or friends. As far as he is concerned…I didn’t care. If only he knew how badly he hurt me. I can’t say that I never think of him or about times we spent together, because I do, but it is getting less and less. Like I said…I wasn’t angry at him, I was hurt. This past Christmas he sent me a Christmas card signed from him, his girlfriend, her son and the dogs and cats that came along with her. That is what finally woke me up!! I thought..How dare you! If the card would have only been from him that would have been one thing, but he signed all of them and it was a direct dig at me for no reason. That was the very first time I got angry. My first thought was to call and cuss him out, then I thought about ripping the card up and sending it back, but then I took a long deep breath and thought…NO…he is looking for a response and I refuse to give him one. So I did nothing. He is the type of person that is always the victim. He wanted me to cuss him out to make him look and feel better. No way…He will remain looking like the jacka$$ he is all on his own.
He still sends emails, but most are more the types about special friends, the real heart felt ones to me along to friends of mine and my family. None of us respond to him.
That last day I was with him he said such hurtful things to me. Never once though did I take any of it to heart. I know I am not the person he described. That day I just stood there looking at him and just shook my head, got in my car and drove away. Sometimes I wish I would have let him have it, but doing what i did hurt him more.
So he can live in is dysfunctional life he has. I wish him happiness. A friend told me that they saw him on a dating site, so I am guessing his new love isn’t quite as wonderful as he thought. It kinda makes me chuckle. lol I am sure in this length of time, her tone has been bad and she had that look in her eye too. I could get in my car and come back to my place 30 miles away. She is stuck unless she wants to load her truck and drive home 700 miles to where she lived. God Bless them both….
I guess the reason i started this is to let you know that it does get better. Keep your head up. Trust me…It will get better.
Just be truthful with yourself. When I dug deep inside and was really honest with myself, I realized he isn’t really what I wanted. I wasn’t really happy. I was to a point, but no where near as happy as I should have been. I asked myself …what if he called and told me how sorry he was. Could I go back?? No. Could I forget what has happened since I was gone?? NO. Would he be any different than he was? NO, that is him. He is 47. He isn’t going to change. It is sad in a way, because he does have a very good side of him. I truthfully believe this man will end up alone.
Answering NO to all the questions I asked myself is when I thought…Ok Judy…Why are you so upset then? I could never find the answers on why all of this happened. How he could of moved on so quickly ect…But that doesn’t matter to me anymore.
I learned a lot about myself during this past year. People have asked me what it is I am looking for in a man. I really couldn’t answer because I didn’t know. That is one thing that I have learned this past year is what i am looking for. I will never be involved again with the type of person that is all about themselfs. I will not be involved with anyone that doesn’t work to reslove issues. I refuse to keep things inside hoping that it will change. I want a partner. I want “WE” and not someone that is all about “I”.
That is a important thing I learned.
I am not claiming to be a perfect person. I am not. But I am a good hearted person that likes the simple things in life and I will stay true to myself. It is so nice to smile again…..I have not wanted to get involved with anyone because I really felt I needed to deal with these issues and not bring baggage into anything. I am open to the idea of meeting someone now one day. I know in my heart, I will meet that person that I meant to be with. I just look at this as a life lesson. I have learned a lot.
So please…any of you that are in the begining stages of a break up…the advice I can give to you is…..Be true to yourself. Be honest with yourself, keep your head held high, try your best to stick to the no contact rule and I promise, it will get better!! Time does heal all. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the person you loved. It is a loss. So if you want to cry…go ahead. If you want to be sad…That’s ok. It is sad. Get mad if you want. Just becareful not to let that consume you. Get the anger that gives you strength. Remember..being angry all the time and hating the world is only hurting yourself and it isn’t doing a thing to him or her.
Dig deep inside and ask yourself questions like I did. I bet you will find the same answers I did. I didn’t loose the best thing I had in my life. I didn’t loose anything. I walked away from the person I “thought” was the best thing in my life.
Good Luck to all of you….I do wish all of you happiness and love!!
Take Care
Judy

An open letter to my ex:

Dear Ex-bf,

Why the hell do you keep contacting me like nothing ever happened 3 weeks ago? You and I “decided” to go our separate ways… then I told you off via email and now you are continuing to call me and leave a voicemail every now & then like you never really digested what I wrote in my email? Are you going to acknowledge it? Does it make you feel like you have no control without me in your life? What is your deal and what do you want with me? I don’t understand why you would think that I am ready or willing to speak with you.

Your ex-gf of many years (too many waiting for you to get your act together… well, now it’s way too late)

my boyfriend recently broke up with me when we went out for 2.5 years and we was planning on getting married okay let me start from the begining

okay my boyfriend broke up with me at 8:30 pm i will never forget it i thought he loved me i loved him but i guess i was wrong he got me prenant and eveything he said that it was either him or the baby i was dumb and picked him but he didnt want to take me to a doctor so he gave me some pills and he told me i made a good choice and he kept telling me he loved me and otha stuff so he was like you wanna go somewhere tonight i was like okay so we went to the park then the mall then the movies then to the club when we was at the mall he bought me a really really slutty outfit i wore it to the club and a whold bunch boys was ova me but of course he was the main one he kept feelin on me and otha stuff so we go sumwhere else and we haad sex then we go 2 the park and he says he loves me but we cant be together no more i was so sad i was crying and a mess how could i be so stupid to think he loved me he didnt love me he just loved the sex but now he trys to be my frienn but unfortuantly i see him everyday at college but anyways i got a new boyfrind and he said if my ex ever mess with me he goin 2 kick his azz i luv my new boyfriend soooo much

I am having a very difficult time letting go of the person who just broke up with me after a 13-month relationship. It has been about 6 weeks, but in that time she has sent me a few emails and text messages telling me things like how depressed she was and how hopeful she was that we could be together someday, but that i should not wait for that. then a couple of weeks later she tells me that has been to the doctor and that she has bipolar 2, which would cause most people to run, but has increased my thinkings of “what if?” she had just been diagnosed with this while we were together. I have wanted to call or write to ask about trying again now that she is on medication, but instead i wrote to request that she not contact me unless she wanted to work on our relationship. i haven’t heard from her in 10 days, so i should know the answer, but instead i am still hanging on to hope, based on all of the things that were said previously. since i put the ball “back in her court” i have been really struggling with wanting to talk to her, but i can sense that she just misses the stability that i brought to her life, so even though it is killing me inside, i had to let her go knowing that i couldn’t be friends with her. what makes it harder is that she had a 4-year old who i had been seeing 3 days a week for the last 11 months of our relationship, and in her last email, she told me that her daughter asks about me all of the time. does anyone know why, other than the obvious answer of bipolar disorder, someone would say things like this? am i crazy for thinking that she is still harboring feelings for me and really wants us to have “time apart/experiences on our own” in order to grow and be better for each other? she is 29, i am 37 and i know that she has been sheltered by her parents for a long time and needs to grow up, and i have some self-confidence issues to work through, but i really thought that we were working together until she pulled the rug out from under all of our plans.

@tony –
Hello Peoples.
Really cool to see that I’m truly not alone here. I can’t compare scars with you guys, for it seems that everyone has a different yet similar story to tell. I am just lamenting and extremely depressed right now and this site is all I’ve been looking at for the past two days (breakup happened 3 days ago). It’s an extremely bitter pill to swallow when someone you love doesn’t want to be with you. I guess I will realy my story and hope for some insight.
About 2 years ago I got out of a really nasty relationship, one where I was just down upon its end. About three months had past and I knew the only way to survive would be to find someone else. Thankfully I did. We went to college together and I never knew her but always had a big crush. Through much apprehension, I just went for it and a date turned into a year and a half.
I knew we were different people from the get go. I come from more of a troubled past. Used to party and go crazy. She was very conservative and career oriented. I admired her and she inspired me to follow my goals. Being that our lives were different, I separated my friends and family from her. I was really close to her family and she never really had many friends to begin with. This turned out to be the achilles heel of the relationship and why it was terminated. I guess I was just afraid that they wouldn’t like each other and if they didn’t how much it would devastate me. The night we broke up I confessed my love and all of the reasons why I wanted to make this work. Through her tears, she just said that she can’t do it anymore.
I want her back, but I know that it can’t be. I have followed the no contact rule so far (only been 3 days). I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t beg or show my weakness. I’m surprised I haven’t heard from her. No texts, emails, nothing. I feel extremely alone right now. So many sad thoughts of what I should have done differently and really beating myself up for not making things right when I had the chance.
I’m in my late twenties and I feel old. I just wish I could press rewind, but I can’t. Unexpected change is so hard. I guess I would really like some insight as to what I should do now. 3 days is pretty fresh and I guess I should anticipate feeling like this for some time, I just don’t want to. I’m at work now and I’m completely miserable. I don’t want to be here, but I know I have to be. Where do I go from here?

I am going through the exact same thing, only I was the conservative one and she was the big partier, but i too got caught up in spending too much of my time wrapped up in her, and now she is out there on her own, living it up and just having fun, while i am left here all alone, wondering what went wrong. we had contact for awhile after (it has been 6 weeks) and i keep holding onto hope because we didn’t end on a bad note (she just said it wasn’t the right time for us). we haven’t had any contact for 11 days and it seems to be getting harder, but i know that no-contact is the best way to go.
anyway, hang in there and try to keep doing things to take your mind off of her. i know that this is easier said than done, but i also know how quickly this can lead to depression if you don’t take care of yourself.

@tony –
Thanks Tony,
Your situation mirrored mine 2 years ago (Relationship prior to the one I’m currently mourning). I feel your anguish my friend. My brother pointed out that this happens to the person who is dumped and if I were the dumper my feelings would be completely different. What I mean is, there were red flags that I knew, but accepted and dealt with them because of the comfort we feel when we are loved. When that just goes to the wayside so abruptly, it throws you into a state of apoplexy. Then you have to deal with guilt, despair, insecurities, and your inadequacies. This was the first girl that I admired, in that she had her head on straight. Of course there are chinks in the armor, but I guess we tend to idealize the person when they go. I guess what is hard is that I’m at a crossroad in my life and don’t know where to go. Like a previously stated, I’m in my late twenties, and I’m unsure of the future. This incident obviously brought me to this state of confusion. I just want the melancholy to subside. Maybe a “stream of concious” on this website is a bad idea. I tend to equate the people who have stopped posting for a long time have since recovered which gives me hope. I’m just sad that the phone doesn’t ring anymore. That the text messages have subsided. I said the way I feel to her and she said she just can’t. We broke up over the phone and that was Monday. I haven’t heard or spoke to her since. I’m going to follow the no contact rule by all means and I can’t waiver. I just never anticipated being so upset. I’m going to keep reading and no matter what I will post when I feel better. Hopefully sooner than later.

@sourtimes –
Hey,

If you ever want to talk here is my email address: lloyd89 (at) yahoo (dot) com

I have been able to recognize the reasons why it wasn’t going to work but she broke all of the rules for breakups with the things that she said to me, and this has kept me holding onto hope, waiting for her feelings to come back around, once she has had time to have fun and be ready to settle down. I do know now that she has bipolar disorder, which explains alot of her behavior, but I am still struggling to let go of my feelings for her. I sent her an email asking her not to contact me anymore unless she wanted to work on our relationship, and even though it has been 12 days, I still check my email thinking she will have sent me something because she is ready to start again. It is getting easier, but my feelings and the memories are still holding on, and it hurts a lot to realize that her feelings aren’t the same. Keep holding on though because even though it is a slow process, it is getting a bit easier with each day.