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Have YOU Made These Mistakes After Your Relationship Break Up?

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Photograph by LunaDiRimmel

Months, or even years after a relationship break up, we will fully realize the fatal mistakes we made right after it happened. Especially the panic controlled actions that made us appear as a different person – often we don’t recognize ourselves any more.

It can bring out the worst in us.

It usually happens that we hate ourselves later for the things we’ve done. This is understandable, but the wrong thing to do. Not only does it damage our self-esteem, which is urgently needed for the recovery, (what’s left of it), but it also destroys the new concept of self-love we are trying to build up.

Avoid these feelings by telling yourself that the past is the past, and concentrate on the NOW.

There is a famous quote where it says that one should learn from the mistakes OTHERS make and thereby avoid them.

On the other hand:

“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.”
—John Powell

I believe that there are two kinds of mistakes: the kind that you can learn and evolve from, and the kind that should be avoided.

When it comes to post relationship break up mistakes, there are some which better be avoided.  The following fall into that category.

Here are the main mistakes most people make right AFTER a relationship break up:

Mistake #1: Panic Controlled Actions

Confronted by what we think is the worst that can happen to us, we do anything to fight it off: we plead, we beg, cry in front of our Exes, harass, stalk, write e-mails, IMs, etc.

All these things will make you cringe when you later think about it.

I think that almost every “Dumpee” makes these mistakes – I don’t think that they are completely avoidable. These are desperate actions by our “animal” part of the brain, fighting for survival.

The sad thing is that they are completely useless. I’ve never heard that a “Dumper” came back after the “Dumpee” wrote them a gazillion e-mails begging to have mercy.

If you’ve made these mistakes, don’t beat yourself up over them.   If you’re about to commit them, try to resist.

Mistake #2: Reassuring Love

We are committed to thinking that if they only KNEW how much we loved them, they would come back immediately, so we keep telling them – over and over again.

The only problem is, they KNOW. They’re breaking up anyway.

Breakups happen rarely because the “Dumper” thinks that they are not being loved. Constant reassurance only leads to humiliation.

Mistake #3: Hoping To Stay Friends

This is a very common mistake that is often made by those having little experience with relationship break ups.

I know that your Ex was your best friend, your intimate partner, the closest person to you. But it is impossible to maintain this kind of relationship AFTER the breakup. Everything has changed – nothing is as it was before.

You can’t count on your Ex any longer, because they will harm you more than they would help.

The good news is, you CAN find another support system: Look for old friends who used to be close. Your family should also be of great help.

Use every connection you have for support – you need it.

Mistake #3 leads us directly to the next one.

Mistake #4: Maintaining Contact

The no-contact rule is the number one precondition IF you want to get over your relationship break up fast.

Look at it like a drug addict: you can’t get clean with YOUR drug right in front of you.

I talk about this is more detail here.

Mistake #5: Use Your Exes Friends And Family

Out of the ambition to make sense out of all of it, we use their friends or their family. We interview, manipulate and try to use them for our purposes.

Besides the fact that they rarely know anything about the deeper reasons, it really is inappropriate to involve a third person in your breakup. This is something that’s between you and your Ex.

If you do this, you will regret it later.

Mistake #6: Rebound Relationships

Many people leapfrog into a new affair right after their relationship breaks up.

I absolutely do not recommend that.

It may appear that this is the best thing to do in order to get over your Ex but, believe me, the opposite is the case.

You will be constantly comparing to your Ex, everything will remind you of them and you will be frustrated, because NOBODY is as good as your Ex.  (This is an illusion of course).

It will throw you back and it will mask your pain, hiding you from the issues your breakup needs to resolve. Don’t deny yourself the opportunity to work these things out. If you do, you have to face that problem again and again, from relationship to relationship.

For many people, healing will not start until they are alone with themselves, confronting their inner demons.

These are the main mistakes most people make right AFTER their relationship breaks up.

Please don’t beat yourself up if you’ve already made some of them.  Even if they should be avoided, some of these mistakes are part of the healing and learning process.

So even IF you will look back month/years later and regret a few things you’ve done, they might have been necessary to get you to the point you are today.

Now it’s your turn, tell me, which one if these mistakes have you made?

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384 Responses to Have YOU Made These Mistakes After Your Relationship Break Up?

  1. Danimal February 12, 2013 at 1:09 pm #

    I met a girl at her work and spoke with her almost every other day for nine months. I finally asked her out and after a few dates we decided to see each other on a steady basis. One month in she cheated on me with her ex. A month later she established conversation with me and begged for me to forgive her, I did and we tried again… but this time I wasn’t committed, I just kept wondering if she would cheat again and distanced myself. On my birthday she baked me a cake, said she loved me and left to go somewhere that was to important to tell me. Later her friend told me she was cheating on me with her ex again and that is where she had been. Time went by and I started the healing process but she came back into my life again telling me it was a mistake. We agreed to try and be friends first and then see if it turned into a relationship later, but that would never happen as I couldn’t forget all pain. I couldn’t ignore that voice telling me it would happen again. Then last week I told her that I couldn’t handle the agreement anymore… I broke it off with her. That day she called me just under 40 times, left over 20 messages, 87 texts and sat in her car watching my house from a nearby business. When she realized I was serious she almost immediately stopped all her contact and moved in with the same guy she had previously cheated on me with. I know I should have broke it off the first time she cheated but I was hoping against all odds that fairytales do come true… If love was a tree then cheating would be the uncontrollable fire that destroys from within. It obliterates ever perfect thing that can come from that relationship. In its wake it makes no reference to age, race, sex or beliefs, and leaves its victims helpless and alone. I only wish that potential cheaters or victims of cheaters could read these posts before they inflict their damage.

    • A.A July 15, 2014 at 9:13 pm #

      I made two of them.. The writing him after the break up and contacting someone from his family

    • Joey August 11, 2014 at 3:09 pm #

      Ok Eddie, heres how my breakup occurred and Im wondering if I handled it correctly?
      My ex has a ZERO filter on her mouth when she gets angry or overwhelmed.Ive seen it happen about twice a year for 3 years. 98% of the time she was a FANTASTIC person, however when the angry 2% appeared, it erased EVERYTHING.So, here goes
      1 week before the actual breakup occurred, she told me Sell that house of yours already and just move in with and the kids. ( we spoke a lot of a future together)
      Well, exactly 1 week after that comment, I went to her house after work ( I work the midnight shift) I woke her up as I was told to do and had some fun, If you know what i mean hehehehe.
      Well, after I woke up and was having coffee Im not exactly sure what we were talking about but she started off with #1 your starting to make my ex look good and then a few minutes later #2 you make me regret dumping my ex!!!!
      I stood up calmly after tieing my shoes, walked towrds the door, left the key to her apartment where all the other keys are hanging on hooks and walked out. I was and still am totally shocked that she knows ahe has a bad temper and says extremely hurtful things, yet, she justifies it by saying that she only reacts to things I do. IE- its always my fault, she never does anything wrong.
      So, did I handle it the right way or was there some other way to handle it?

    • Jon September 16, 2014 at 1:26 am #

      BreakUp Big Mistakes:

      4/14~ broke up w bi-polar lady of 6years as wasnt gettg better yet i loved her a great deal …
      5/14 i started drinking :(
      5/14 ~ i married lady in vegas i knew for 3weeks

      Blew 100k+ over summer

      Now sober and wondering what happened

      9/09 ex called me for first time since breakup

      Messes with my head as am now finally getting life together

      I appreciate everyones comments as was soo painful and is finally gtg better

      Still hirts plus have a new person
      So is hard

  2. Anonymous February 18, 2013 at 8:41 pm #

    We had a “fairytale” romance. At least as far as I knew…He was literally everything I wanted, I didn’t mind giving up my friends or my family to be with him at all times, I had all I needed, he was perfect, he planned out of the ordinary dates, was too handsome for his or my good (I like to think I am an attractive girl too) had a good job, brought me around his family, talked about the future and what we would name our kids etc. where we would live, how our life would be, I was sure he was the one I would spend the rest of my life with. But there was this one red flag which in retrospect was HUGE, but I chose to ignore being that everything else felt perfect. He didn’t want to be in an “official” relationship, we weren’t seeing anyone else, and were doing everything couples do, aside from making it public to our friends (his family on the other hand referred to me as his wife). His excuse was that he had already been in and out of two relationships in 2012 and he didn’t want to be given a hard time by his friends for starting a 3rd being that he’s 27 years old and not in high school. Total BS. One of those relationships had ended one week before me met and had lasted only 4 months, she was only 20 years old and didn’t speak English or have a job. I am also 27, have a college degree, a career, am independent etc., we also have the same group of friends so we never had to argue about who to hang out with or what to do on the weekends. He said he liked this and it was quite a change from his ex. Towards the end of the year he started acting standoffish, I have never been one to pursue a guy, I never even text a guy if they don’t text me, I know it’s a good and bad thing. He contacted me and said he was hurt that even when he kept his distance to see if I’d notice, I did not contact him. I cared SO much for him that I said I would change, and began texting him here and there and being more open about my feelings which is totally unlike me, I just didn’t want to lose him. Thing is, when I started being more open, he pulled away more and more, which made me very self conscious so I stopped completely and was absolutely hurt and embarassed. He contacted me again and said he wanted to be friends on Christmas Day, 2 weeks since we’d last talked. I told him we were never friends to begin with and I could never see him as a friend, he didn’t respond, and then I felt horrible for being so cruel on Christmas Day, so I said I was sorry and I didn’t mean to be cruel. He responded that he just wanted one opportunity to talk in person. Of course this gave me hope that he would try and fight for me, so I agreed. December 30th we meet up and of course one thing lead to another and we ended up in bed where he brought up how I had to be pushed to send him messages, and how I’ve never introduced him to my family, how I never made an effort to just “talk” to him, and that he felt like the only time we connected was when we had sex. I let him know I was keeping my guard up because really, he wasn’t officially my boyfriend and I was so afraid of feeling stupid, he had no response. That was pretty much the end of the conversation, he asked me out for the next day which was New Years Eve but that same night we went to dinner, held hands, hugged, kissed, he didn’t want to let me go at the end of the night so I thought we were “back together”. And that was pretty much the last I heard of him aside from a couple of random texts here and there which lead to dead end conversations (he stoppped responding). He even cancelled on me on New Years Eve with the excuse that he had a cold (he later posted pictures on FB, it was all a lie) so I deleted him and his family from my facebook, from my phone, from all my pictures, untagged myself in pictures he had of us and did everything I could on my end to cut him off. He text me to say he saw I had deleted and blocked him and that he had no idea what he had done to me but that I am a great girl and he wishes me all the best, and included lots of happy faces, I told him I didn’t want to be one of those ex’s he still contacted out of pity, that I’d rather have no contact with him at all, and he didn’t respond. It hurt more than anything that he didn’t try to fight for me. A couple of weeks later my phone went off at the movies, I rummaged through my purse to silence it and must have had an old missed call of his that I missed deleting, and of all the missed calls in my call log, I dialed him somehow…not only once.3 times. It was humiliating when he sent me a text and asked what I wanted and realizing what I had done. Even more humiliating was realizing he had ignored all 3 of my “calls” it felt just as gutwrenching as breaking the no contact rule even though it was by accident I responded that it was an accident and sorry and left it at that, no response from him. I found out on my birthday (and no, he didn’t even bother to say happy birthday), not even a month later, that he was back with the 20 year old he broke up with a week before meeting me. Even worse, I found out through a picture on a mutual friend’s page, because he brought her to this friend’s superbowl party which I only missed because I was too hungover, I never drink, but I was just so hurt that he hadn’t contacted me at all. It could have been worse, I could have shown up and seen it, but still, it was the worse birthday EVER. I’ve since deleted my facebook and twitter completely and stopped hanging out with my group of friends as they don’t seem to think it was that big of a deal that I got used and have continued hanging out now with both of them. It’s been 2 months of no contact, and I feel like I’ve followed all the rules, but it hasn’t stopped hurting one bit, more than that, it doesn’t seem fair that he’s moved on without me, and I’m sitting here not even able to function. Any advice? I feel like I’m drowning here :(

    • Sophia February 19, 2013 at 1:19 am #

      To be honest, you’re better off looking for another man. Sure, you may convince yourself that he’s “perfect” but if that were the case, would he toy around with your feelings like that? You two were “together” in the outside but he never labelled you and him as a “couple”, therefore it is a waste of time for you to repair things with him. Repair yourself, love yourself, discover new hobbies, make new friends, move on. You can live without a man, and when the time comes, it will arrive in it’s own pace.

      • Danimal March 6, 2013 at 9:22 pm #

        It is difficult to know who is saying what on here when every other person is Anonymous, lol. But as for the Anonymous Sophia is responding to… I just want you to know that as much as it hurts, there are people out there that know what your going through (often times because they have or are going through it too). Sophia is right, fill your time up with something positive in your life. If you want the chance to meet someone that is serious about a relationship then sign up for yoga or workout at a club. Pay attention to the red flags… there should have been two red flags with this guy, the first being he just came out of a relationship. Some people need more time to heal, even if it was a short lived relationship.

        • Angie March 7, 2013 at 12:36 am #

          sorry :) this was my first post and I was kind of shy, I have been using my name since this post. I wish it was as easily done as it is said, this all makes sense to me, I know he doesn’t deserve a single tear, but 3 months later I still find myself unable to function at times. I get anxiety attacks picturing him with her, I don’t find excitement in any of the things I used to love doing. I had to stop going to the gym because I was already losing so much weight, going to the gym was making it worse, plus I had no energy, I can’t go hiking without thinking that we used to do it together and now he does it with her. I go to restaurants and think of how much he’d like them and wonder if he takes her there. I can’t hear what was “Our” favorite radio station. All in all, I am finding it really hard to move on. All I want is to feel better, my friends get frustrated with me, but I am truly not trying to feel like this. I wish I was stronger and had already moved on. I just can’t help this.

          Yes I know I was SO dumb when it came to flags, but that first one I couldn’t help but miss because he had lied to me, I asked him when his last relationship was and he told me it was 5 months before he met me, and the relationship had only lasted 4 months, he was the one to end it, so I thought I had nothing to worry about. Later, once I was head over heels, he confessed that he had broken up with her only 5 DAYS before meeting me (I actually wonder now if they were still together when he met me), but he was afraid I wouldn’t give him the time of day had he told me the truth, so he told me it was 5 months before. I get so angry at myself for being so stupid and sticking around for so long!!!!

          • Danimal March 7, 2013 at 1:01 am #

            I am sorry Angie, I didnt mean to come acrossed as knowing exactly what you should do or making it sound easy… I know it isn’t. I wish I could share more stories with you but you have to trust me, I am still having a hard time with mine as well, the list of things I mentioned was what I have found a release in… but late at night I think about my ex too. Non of it is easy, and everyday feels like the first day of no contact, but it does get easier… at some point, just takes time. If you want you can e-mail me at luke_man4 (at) yahoo.com, I wont get irritated with you for messaging me about ur ex, if u dont about mine.

          • Angie March 7, 2013 at 5:10 pm #

            I sent you an e-mail already. Promise I wont get irritated. Would love to hear your story!

    • ann March 16, 2013 at 6:24 am #

      i think we met the same guy. lol. ouch. :(

      • Angie March 16, 2013 at 8:19 pm #

        We probably did….as time has gone by I’ve realized I was only one of an entire line of girls he’s done the same thing to. It’s hard to think that it was all just a lie…even harder and more humiliating to realize I fell for it all. Almost one year living a total lie…believing in fake feelings. It just feels worse and worse….

        • Ashley August 20, 2013 at 3:27 pm #

          So now that it has been months since your break up, how are u doing/ feeling now? I am 1 month post breakup and hasn’t been THAT bad I just hate that I can’t stop thinking about him and that I look at the girls social networks that he cheated on me with.

          • val January 19, 2014 at 7:50 am #

            Mine was a weird breakup and I just thought since the people I know had success with theirs that mine was starting good but my happiness was short lived . he was and still is a coworker

    • che March 16, 2013 at 7:02 am #

      Each day is a struggle because the pain just wont go away..but you have to fight for yourself because no one else can help you but yourself.I Know its not easy because I’ve been there and am still in the process. Each challenges we face in life there is an opportunity to change for the better. Take this opportunity to work on yourself and change your view in life into more positive.Trust me i myself took the opportunity to work on myself and its one step a time. It wont be easy, but I know it will be worth it in the end.

      Best of luck:)

    • Raspberry rebel March 24, 2014 at 10:03 pm #

      I know it’s been a long time since you submitted this story,so I’m hoping you could possibly help me,but I totally sympathize with what you went through..I myself am going through a bad breakup,it’s been two months now and I am actually getting worse not better..I am 44years old,my ex is 33,a big age gap I know,and the fact he is Turkish and I’m English is a big factor too..I live in North Cyprus,where I met my ex 3 years ago,we started out by seeing each other now and again,he would constantly let me down,but I kind of got used to it,and took it for what it was,which was sex now and again..things progressed in 2012,when I turned to him one day and asked him if he wanted a proper relationship,his answer was “yeah why not”..looking back that was a warning..he moved in with me,but from the start,never helped around the house,didn’t contribute financially,and basically did what he liked..he’s a gambler too,so would often stay out most of the night trying to make out he was getting us money,which never appeared,so about 7 months later,I had enough and kicked him out..within a month he was back,but nothing changed,although he did start contributing more,but would always borrow money to make it,hmmm.we carried on like that,until January this year,when I was flying to the uk for a holiday,I asked him for money he owed me,his reply was sorry couldn’t get it,I’ll make sure I get it for you when you come home…it was then that something snapped and I asked him to leave,which he didn’t really put up any resistance over.in the previous week he’d stayed out all night,pretending that he got arrested for drink driving,but the reality I think he met someone else,a dealer at a casino he uses..anyway,I went to London,and on my last day there,I was on fb,and noticed that my ex was in a “relationship”..I couldn’t believe it,I know I dumped him,but I was completely devastated,as I did love the man,and thought he loved me…I made the mistake if writing him a message saying it didn’t take you long to find a new girlfriend,and left it at that…he owed me a lot of money at this point,but,like yourself,don’t like to lower myself to men,by texting them,or contact so I asked a very good friend of mine to call him to ask for the money,he told them he would get me it ASAP..7 weeks went by,when I was going completely off my mind,crying all the time,and thoughts constantly going through my head,I thought I was going to really lose the plot,until one day in march I resigned myself to the fact I would never see him again,and began to feel better about myself,having my hair done and going out with the girls,so you can imagine how shocked I was when I’m at home one evening when there’s a knock on the door…it was him,with the money he owed me..I invited him in,and we sort of had a conversation about what happened,he basically moved in with this poor woman 3 days after I told him to leave as he was sleeping in his car and had nowhere to go….which now makes me think he just used me for 2and a half years and my home…anyway,there was no sex or anything like that,I cried a lot,and asked him why he didn’t fight for me..he said he’d told me 2 days before I dumped him that if I kicked him out again,he would never come back…which absolutely crushed me again…he went on his way and I tried to puck up the pieces again,but then he started calling me once or twice a week,until last wed when he once again,just turned up without calling,saying his head is messed up,and that it’s over with this girl,but he’s staying there until the end of the month as he’s paid her…he never asked me if he could come back,but I suppose because of how low my self esteem is ATM,I’ve been secretly hoping he will.he called me very briefly last night,then said he would call back 5 mins later,and needless to say I haven’t heard anything else…2 words have always been in my sub conscience when he’s concerned…constant disappointment…yet I still wish he would ask me to come home…I’m devastated yet again,and all my hard work and pain has been for nothing,so I have to start from square one again,as this man is really going to hurt me if I don’t stop this..I think he just wants to leave the door open incase he doesn’t find someone he can move in with at the end of the month…please let me know how you managed to get over this as I’m finding life extremely difficult right now,and feel I’ve let myself down badly by opening my door to him….

  3. Dee February 22, 2013 at 5:42 am #

    I met this guy during the early part of last year. Things seemed great and for the first time in my life I felt like things were going well. For the first time I allowed myself to open up and trust without hesitation. Things seemed great. We lived about 30minutes apart and I would stay over at times.

    He had three female roommates which never set well with me. But that is not where my doubts began. He begin making excuses why we could not hang out or why he didn’t respond. Even then I tried to keep my emotions in check and not doubt his intentions. But when he said he wanted to do more things with me outside and he closed by saying I needed to get my allergies under control before we could hang out…this caught me off guard. I was confused. A month passed and I was confused. I tried to reach out to him but his only response was that he was sorry and that he missed me. He stated he was just super busy. I waited a week without initiating any contact with him to see if I would hear from him. I later sent an email letting him know I missed him and that I hoped things were okay, but I also explained to him that if this wasn’t something he could make time for then maybe we should walk away because I didn’t like the way it was making me feel. He never responded and I am still trying to figure out where I went wrong.

    I never allowed myself to hurt or grieve when it happened and I can’t help but blame myself for how things ended. If only I was more understanding…or if I held on a little longer…or if I didnt question his feelings. I feel like i should not feel hurt because I ended things with him. I had a miscarriage from a previous relationship where I was very stress, emotionally abused and that guy threatened to kill me because I visited my family in another state. I would not hear from that guy for months at a time…and things in this relationship just started to remind me of that relationship and how he had become very distant.

    I have tried reaching out to him by explaining myself. I stopped for a few months and reached out to him again this past Christmas. He responded and we spoke. He acted as though nothing had happened and i did not revisit why things had ended. I let him know that i missed him, but he stopped the communication and I have sent a few this year that he has not responded to. I don’t know why he talked to me briefly in december only to tell me he moved on last month when I asked if we could work things out or if he had moved on. I feel as though he’s upset with me and that he hates me. But I feel as though he walked away from the relationship well before I sent the email. I have not been able to move pass this and I am feeling the hurt I should have felt when it happened…but I tend to supress/hide my emotions when I am hurt. I feel so lost and confused. But I am trying to move on. I don’t think there is anything left to do and he seems unaffected by all that has happened. I am feeling rejected even though it was I that ended everything. I am not bitter or mad…I am just hurt…love hurts

  4. Anonymous February 22, 2013 at 7:26 pm #

    You need to look at it this way, when you sent that e-mail and brought up maybe walking away, if he didn’t want that, he could have (and would have) responded and asked you to reconsider. Plus, you’ve reached out to him, if he wanted you back he had opportunities to take you back. So don’t blame yourself, like you said, it sounds like he left the relationship long before you put it into writing…If he responded to you back in December then I’m sure he doesn’t hate you, he’s probably just trying to cut off communication being that he’s moved on…I know it hurts to realize that. I feel that pain and embarassment of rejection too even though it was me that cut it off, because I know that if he didn’t want to lose me, all he had to do was fight for me…send a text..keep the communication. But he didn’t. He just let me go. I wish I could tell you how to feel better, but I have yet to figure that out myself :(

  5. Dee February 23, 2013 at 5:20 am #

    Thank you, and I don’t know what to feel. I am just trying to stay positive and talk through what has happened. I just don’t want to be angry or bitter. I have been keeping busy and connecting with close family and friends. I’ve even joined clubs in the community to stay active…anything to keep my mind away from everything related to him.

  6. kukut March 4, 2013 at 4:16 am #

    hi guys
    My gf just dumped me a week ago saying she did not have any feelings and said she was not seeing anyone. but dumping was one thing, i was ready to let her go but this saturday her relationship status changed “in a relationship with another man. This just killed me and on top of that the cycle wheels i gave her on her birthday as gift, was on her new bf’s bike and the new bf saying ” my gf of one day loaned me these $1000+ wheels to use for competition” i cried, screamed and since i had no one to talk to i called her mum. After reading this i just realized i made a big mistake. But i only did this because i felt like killing myself and had to chat with someone. I guess u learn. This was my first relation and i loved her too much.

    • Danimal March 7, 2013 at 2:14 am #

      kukut, I am 39 years old man. I have had alot of experience in this life… if there is one thing I have seen happen to me or my friends, its that the ex-girlfriends who treated us the worst, get theirs in the end. I am not a fortune teller, but I can say this, most women who use a guy like that, come back to him later to try to rekindle the flame. Most of the time it happens when the guy is well beyond taking her back and least expect it. If she does come back, and I think she will later, and you take her back… she will do it to you again. Killing urself isn’t an answer, getting over her is. Learn from it so you don’t get into another relationship like the one u had with her.

  7. Anonymous March 4, 2013 at 8:39 pm #

    Me & my gf broke up over 6 months ago but we still kept in touch and we still went out. The first months after we broke up we would always go out and hang out with one another, but not as just friends, we would hold hands and every thing else as if we were bf & gf again (when we weren’t). I’m the one that loved her, she was still stuck in the past thinking of her ex. (That’s not the reason why we broke up in the first place) for 4 months we would go out together, watch a movie, go out to eat, or spend time at her house watching a movie or just spending time with her family. (She told I was the first bf to ever meat her family) in those 4 months we would eventually have problems with one anther. I would usually get stubborn on things she would do and things she would say, at times when we would be together it seamed that her phone was more important than me, and she would always talk to other guys.. Say she loved them all.. Leading them on.. It would always get to me and get me mad and it would make me confront her about it, but it would always make me look bad when I would be stubborn. We stopped talking 6 times because of that, sometimes it would be because of what I would say or something she would say for us to not want to talk to one another but at the end I would always want to make things right and make us ok with one another. And I would, but things that she would say about me always get to me and make me thing if I should even make things up with her or not.. But to me no matter what I did it anyways because the feeling of being happy with her made it ok. But at the end I would use her brother to help me out in fixing things with her.. And even her mom and friends. On the 4th month on December she got to the point (where I thing) that she got tired of me messing up things and fixing them and she just wanted everything to end.. She told me she was with her ex that she loved a lot. And that killed me inside and I tried to let it go not getting mad and telling her something i knew I would regret.. But she kept at it and it broke me and I had to tell her only one thing. About her always leading guys on, that I hated her for it, that it only made her look like a ….. And she started telling me things and I just didn’t reply back to her.. That day at night I replied pretending to be someone else to make it seam that I was back with my ex that I had once cared about a lot to and I was spending time at her house watching a movie. And that fake persona told her everything I’ve ever kept in… About how I tried to be there for her and her family because her father left them because he wanted to be alone. That the only reason her ex took her back was because he just wanted to use her and just throw her aside when he was done, that she was a ….. For always being how she was.. That I was always stupid enough to have loved her so much and to have gone thought so much for her to have things end like that. Everything I told her. I left things at that, I didn’t fix things because I knew it was my fault. I made up a lie with a a fake person named CAS. And went with it up till now, I tried to make the lie as real as possible getting my self involved, making myself and her look bad by that person. Only way I saw things.. Because I was mad… But at the end and up till now. The things that where said I can’t tell what was true or not. On the things that where supposed to be about her. That what’s she told Cas. That she never loved me at all and she was just playing with me. That she would cry not wanting me there around her. That I was the only guy she trusted but because of all of that she didn’t want anything to do with me because she lost that trust. That she was always honest with me. But… I can’t put things together.. Because if she never loved me how come she gave me so many opportunitys to make things right between us for sometime to make us feel as bf&gf again but for me to mess thing up and for her not to talk to me & for her to of told me I loved you after we broke up.. That had to of meant something. Her not wanting me around, her crying.. I didn’t think that was true.. But never saw it when we where together if we where always happy and laughing with one another when we were together other than when things messed up then yes. I believed it. Her to trust me and for her to not trust me no more.. I believe. Because I trusted her to.. Up till now I’ve tried to fix things but its only made things worse.. To the point that I can’t make things up to her no matter what. I can only tell the truth.. That It was me that I was Cas. That it was all my fault.. To make things up to her but not for my happiness but for her’s. because all I’ve said was the truth but no one knew and they are telling her things because of it. And that’s my only solution to make things right is to take all the blame and put my self out there for all the problems that’s happened to her. I want to help her and come out as a hero than to go and think so much about it to go down the rout of infamous and make her look worse so no one would want to be with her. But I don’t know anymore… I’m lost.. I’ve been with 2 other girls and non of them have made me forget about her.. Wile she hasn’t had a bf because she docent want one because of me that she can’t trust no one no more… I love her to the point that I would do anything for her. But her side is another story I will only guess at..

    • Anonymous March 4, 2013 at 8:51 pm #

      -”Added”
      She had lied of being back with her ex, because I had talked to him and he didn’t know anything about it and he also considered her a ….. Because I told him the truth on what she told me about him.

  8. anonymous March 6, 2013 at 8:16 am #

    Me & my ex were together for more than 6yrs. He was my first love my first everything. We had plans of getting married and having kids together. throughout the years we started to have our UPS and downs but usually ended resolving them. One day we had gone to a party with some friends and while I was in a room with my friend he thought I had cheated which I didn’t. The next day all I got was a Text from him saying it was over & never heard from him since. one month after the break up he had finally found a new gf. A year after she ended pregnant and are living together. Is it normal for me to feel sad and bad about this? Is it normal for me after it’s been more than a year? I feel like my life has gone bad and I honestly think it’s not fair when I haven’t done anything wrong. :(

    • Amitaf August 22, 2013 at 7:13 pm #

      Hi Anonymous,

      My relationship is almost the same, almost 5 years with my ex who is my first love. We had plan to get marry, just like you. During the last few months, he became distant, then he broke up with me. He says he does not love me anymore. Less than 2 months after our break up, he already has someone new. To answer your question, I think its normal for you to feel that way since I do too. But we have to accept the truth that people will always be unfair to us no matter how good you are to them. You just have to accept this and move on. Please do not waste your life over someone who is not worthy of your love. Start from scratch, just like what Eddie says, get healed, move on and improve yourself. Do not mind your stupid ex, you deserve someone much much better than him. Love yourself, so that no one will ever hurt you that much again. Hope you are doing fine. Bless you. :)

  9. Josh March 6, 2013 at 12:27 pm #

    I have been dating this girl for just over a year. When I met her, she was unemployed. I helped her pay her rent, bought food, etc. etc.
    At one stage I broke off the relationship, because she got a “all expenses” paid trip overseas. Which she claimed was a sponsor for modelling.
    Then she contacted me, and told me how much she misses me. I fell for it. And continued to pay her bills.
    Then, last month she got a job, and we decided to move in together. Yet I had to put the flat on my name, pay the deposit, and buy all the furniture. I live in the country, and she needs to be in town. So she couldn’t stay with me, but I could move to town.
    Yet, she has so many secrets. All her friends are on her facebook, but despite everything I have done for her, she cannot put a pic of “us” on her facebook. I am listed as a friend on her facebook, but can only she her pics, all the other info is blocked.
    So yesterday, just before signing for the flat, I said she must first put a pic of “us” on her facebook, and acknowledge my help over the last year. Instead, she broke up, saying I am insecure and don’t know what I want out of life. This past year has cost me a small fortune, and I think I have just been used for financial gain. Sadly, I would have never thought this, as she is Catholic and reads her Bible and prays every morning. May God forgive her, I do.

  10. Liz March 6, 2013 at 11:21 pm #

    I was with my ex for 5 years. I’m 21 now. Last February we split up after I stupid looked on his Facebook and saw he was getting overly friendly with a work colleague. I was heartbroken but felt like a fool for looking at his facebook. I’d thought we were going really well before then. A week after we split he got with his colleague. They’ve been together ever since. He’s accused me of cheating. I NEVER once cheated. He did though, a few times. He was constantly on forums and online ‘sex’ games where you could interact with others through virtual character. He left me for a girl he met through a gaming console. I openly admit that I made so many mistakes. But he’s punishing me right now. He’s constantly bringing up the mistakes I made, calling me things, making me feel like crap. I don’t know if he ever really loved me and it hurts so bad to think that. I don’t understand why he’s still so bitter towards me. I still love him so it hurts 10x more. I really don’t know how to get over this and move on for good :(

  11. Dayna March 7, 2013 at 5:20 pm #

    my ex fiance and I met online in August 2012 we spoke for a little bit throughout the month, he had just lost his mother the year before to cancer and his father was extremely sick and dying from the same cancer, we had our first date September 3rd and then I went away for 2 weeks, in this time he was calling and texting me( telling me he’d never met a girl like me ) he texted excessively to the point where I thought he was extremely needy but I felt as if he was a good person and he just needed someone to be there for him, we had our second date was September 18th. on October 18th he asked me to marry him he was talking about having a baby and even insisted on buying my wedding dress.. We were planning our wedding had our list and everything ( we almost just went to the courthouse and got marriedthen ) we were completely in love with one another he was a happy and funny person who treated me like a queen. everything was wonderful for the first month and then he started being depressed and unhappy he asked me if he could take steroids because he had gotten to the point where he lost all the muscle he had previously gained before his father has passed I agree because he said it was a very low dose and would not change message person unfortunately this is not what happened he became extremely depressed very moody just a different person. we started to bicker and have little arguments but I just couldn’t believe what’s happening I could tell there was something seriously wrong with him but I wasn’t strong enough to let him go and deal with his situation unfortunately everything came to an end January fourth 2013 it started out as a mutual breakup and we agreed that we just rush things but in my mind I didn’t want to completely give up. he said he started seeing a counselor and that he needed to find happiness from within and work on his insecurities, I agreed. We were still in touch for a couple days and he still told me he loves me and that he’d never had a love like what he had with us being together nor that he never had a girl be so good to him within a couple days I could tell things change the more and he was more distant I had gone to his house 3 weeks later to get them things he had left my house and vice versa and in that time he was extremely mean telling me not at the time when we met he wasn’t very vulnerable state from losing his parents and he needed someone and I was there and he told me to move on that he had already moved on ( but I didn’t think he was saying he had moved on with another person) he said that the ship has sailed and it was over as any girl could imagine I was extremely upset and hurt that he was being so mean I’ve never seen that side of him and so I texted him so horrible things that I truly regreted. that night he told me to lose his number 3 weeks have passed and I did nothing but cry over him and the situation. we happen to live close to 1 another and I ended up seeing him with another girl I just couldn’t believe my eyes it has only been 3 weeks or a month and he has started another relationship and was cosidering living with this person. I truly truly could not believe he would do something like that, I ended up going out the evening and drinking and my emotions got the best of me I did something very unethical and something I’ve never done before I went to his house and keep his car, I knew I was wrong doing it the second I did it but it was too late the next morning he came to my house I’m called me and told me that I needed to pay or he would press charges. I apologized and told how hurt I was that he would be considering living with someone so soon, gave him money and left… you are absolutely right about feeling horrible after doing something like that I have been asking God for forgiveness ever since I did and I just don’t know how to redeem thyself. Of course now I am label as the crazy ex and that is so far from the truth. Girls I’m here to tell you if you think doing something like this will make you feel better, it WON’T it will only hurt you and make you feel less of a person in the end. I cried every night since I did this and I feel absolutely horrible. In a mans opinion what do guys think when their ex acts this way? do they ever consider that what they did hurt this person so bad and that they’re truly not crazy they were just extremely hurt and emotions were at their worst. I have never show it any kind of action like this throughout our whole relationship. don’t people seeing that what he did was extremely crazy and unacceptable. Not excusing my actions at all, but just wish people understand when girls react like this it has to be the consequences of what the man they were with had carelessly done to there heart and not because the girl is crazy.

    • Angie March 7, 2013 at 7:13 pm #

      Unfortunately it’s rare when they take responsibility for hurting someone’s feelings. And yes, you doing what you did gave him just the excuse he needed in order not to look bad. If it makes you feel any better I once had an ex who after we broke up I never spoke with again, didn’t call or text him or contact him in any way, I deleted him from my facebook and he still told everyone I was a psycho for deleting him. Sometimes with douche bags, you just can’t win! I’d be curious to know as well if they realize that you’ve just hurt someone so bad that they’re not themselves….but I highly doubt it. I broke an ex’s heart too, I tried hard to have feelings for him, I tried to fake my feelings in order to make them come true, and they didn’t. BUT, I apologized to him, admitted I shouldn’t have faked my feelings and led him on, promised not to date anyone for a while out of respect for his feelings, and when he told me he still wanted to be friends, I let him know that I felt like I’d be hurting him more if we remained friends. He posted some mean/some sad things about me on facebook and I didn’t get angry with him, I understood that I had hurt him deeply and think I deserved even more mean posts. I was happy for him when I found out he met a girl shortly after, but I felt awful for months still for having hurt him at all even when I knew he was happy. I wish my recent ex had felt just a bit of the guilt for me that I felt for my other ex. Where is karma when you really need it? :(

      • Dayna March 7, 2013 at 8:41 pm #

        thank you for replying Angie yes that does make me feel better, I guess when guys do with a do they just don’t think about the consequences and how when they play with someone’s emotions they don’t realize what it does to the other person. ( it’s almost like in a murder trial, they say that someone goes temporarily insane (this is how I felt that day when I saw him with this person leaving a leasing office my heart was pounding out of my chest I felt as if I was going to have a heart attack, literally ) this was the same day that I keyed his car) I am a stable person and I know I can get on without him, but when I love I love unconditionally and give everything and when he asked me to marry him and talked about having a baby with me then ending it so soon and starting a relationship with someone else just really tore me apart I don’t see how someone can have feelings and change them so quickly this all happened in a matter of for months from beginning to end. I guess I should have seen the red flags when he asked me to marry him only a month after knowing him not realizing he had his insecurities and his neediness was the reasoning of his wanting to be married so soon. he had already been married for 11 years and his ex wife ended up marrying the man she cheated on him with. I’ve been in quite a few relationships which ended and i got iver them fine but I’ve never had one where I’ve hurt this long. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I guess knowing that even though he might be in a relationship now it won’t last because he’s never taking the time to deal with his insecurities like he said he needed to. He just jumped right into another relationship in hopes that she would bring him happiness, this is what he said he has been doing for the past 5 years ( going from relationship to relationship moving to 4 different places in a year, buying a $4000 dollar dog and he said nothing has made him happy ) and why he’s just not happy with himself. I guess he will just continue the cycle and continue hurting girls the way he hurt me

        • Angie March 8, 2013 at 2:26 am #

          gosh I see the same red flags over and over again on this site. For example my ex used the same “I’m feeling depressed” excuse with me, so I was trying to be supportive. HA! I think we should start interpreting “depressed” as “I am falling out of love with you and don’t know how to tell you” DEPRESSED is a red flag!. And the part about him proposing and wanting a baby, same thing happened to me, even when I wasn’t sure of my feelings towards him, he told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and was so insistent on how bad he wanted a baby with me, that I felt like he cared more about me than I did for him. Boy was I wrong…hopefully someone else can learn from our mistakes….

  12. Dayna March 7, 2013 at 8:42 pm #

    Your feedback really helps me, thank you so very much for listening

  13. victoria March 10, 2013 at 3:19 am #

    all shared stories here are really helpful. i can relate to many things. unfortunately i’ve also done similar mistakes as written about on this site and recently have done something wrong again. but i’m glad i am not the only one.

    what would you say to my story though? i know it will be long…….

    it all started back in summer last year…. i’ve never been easy on that guy. we had always been friends but then we started to like each other and be really close with each other.. at the beginning of this long story i always wanted to break things off between us because of certain reasons. that is something i regret until today…but i cannot change anything about it anymore..so i’ll talk about everything that happened after that. after all the drama in the start we were never successful in staying just friends. one day he said he still wanted to ‘stay’ with me even if we were not together cause he felt there was some kind of connection. he was always kind and sweet,r respecting me. but suddenly hes showed a different side of him and just got too physical. we acted like a couple again, but he didn’t want to give us a label anymore. i guess his behaviour was due to my behaviour at the beginning. so that was a really weird ‘relationship’. i wasn’t happy and did not know what to do. it was hard cause i was not strong enough to stop contacting him, i had feelings for him but thought the relationship issue we already went through, i can’t start with that again. i stood there again and had to ask myself again do i want a relationship with this guy or not? but everytime we talked about it, he got upset and asked me why i always needed a label. he even didn’t contact me for almost a week because of that topic. i was starting to feel too dependent on him because the feelings grew too strong (one night before that week we were together at my place), i was like in a dump because i was not able to talk to him.. and i was just acting horrible…constantly wrote him private messages on facebook that he didn’t respond too.. left a voice message in which i cried….even deleted him from facebook to show him my pain and anger for ignoring me..but added him again… but then he finally contacted me again.. well.. i am not sure if the reason why he avoided the official relationship topic because he only wanted to protect himself against hurting again in case i’d break things off again. he never told me why.. but he always said he forgot everything that had happened between us at the beginning, so he was not blaming me for anything, but instead he complained why i couldn’t be more cool about the thing between us, to just go with the flow and have fun and not feel so bad for everything everytime. it was suspect.. but to be honest i felt bad because of everything that had already happened between us and that i couldn’t give him something official and i felt bad when we were acting like a couple because of exact that reason. and i think the truth is everything he wanted was to be physical and being surrounded by someone so that he didn’t have to be alone..i don’t know… and i was too naive and inexperienced to snap out of it. i was playing with the fire. then after a while one night i seriously asked him whether he wanted to try it again and be my boyfriend and i’ll be his girlfriend and i promised not to run away again. he just responded “okay”. not the best response.. i thought everything was so weird and it was like i was forcing things to happen. but well so we were a couple again, but as i said it just felt so weird. maybe he was really just distancing himself for his own reasons.. i do not know.. but he told me he had problems and said that were the reasons why he was acting weird.. and that i needed to know that i was not the only thing he had to care about in his life….. by that time everyone who knew about him and me and supported me at the beginning, was not supporting me anymore. they didn’t think it was a good idea for me to still stick with him. they were afraid that he was using me. yes, he really was acting so different from what i knew. i made all the first steps in contacting him, meeting up him.. if i hadn’t done anything, i am sure i wouldn’t had seen him, heared from him..it hurt… eventually it didn’t make sense for me to stay in that kind of relationship any longer, even though things were official again… but that was just clearly not what i wanted.. so i ended it. after that he just chatted with me as if nothing had happened. and then i asked him why he didn’t make any effort anymore. his response was: because i got boring. he meant physically…..because we had some disagreements when it was abotu sex… at that moment i felt really hurt… so hurt that i deleted him from facebook and deleted all pictures with him on my profile. somehow it happened though that we contacted each other again. i called him and wanted to talk things through. he admitted that he just wanted sex for the wrong reasons, that he realized how it really sucks not getting any response when texting or messaging someone, that i always caught him at the wrong timings though…… well, he said all the right things but i was unable to just forgive and forget everything.. it hurt too much.. and also it was like i still made all the effort in talking to him and making him opening up….though he sounded kinda uneasy when i brought up the let’s stay friends thing….i was really acting so wrong many times…i somehow could not let go… then there came days we chatted casually… we stayed in contact…. we added each other on facebook again….. but i realized everything was different… our talks got superficial, distant..as if we didn’t know each other so well.. and he was not always the nicest person…it hurt…especially because i got to know that he was starting to be close with a close friend of mine… and somehow i couldn’t just let him go away with what happened and with that and couldn’t act as if i was doing okay.. all the anger came up again…. initiated by his contact with her… he even posted a youtube video on facebook which was about “there is always that one person the friend of your girlfriend that you have a crush on”:… i don’t know.. at times he was just so good in acting like a jerk…. soon there was that christmas party at my family’s and my place to which many friends of mine and he also were invited to. before that i posted a status message on facebook and he read that… he asked my friend with who he got close to whether she knew what i meant and told her that he was worrying about me.. (!) she told me about it and i was surprised…for the first time i got to know that he actually was able to care about me and my feelings… and he told her that he was unsure whether he would still go to the christmas party…on the same night he even called me…!!!!! which he never did before… but i was too angry and hurt to take that call…and i continued to be bitchy…and act hurt… and write him more facebook private messages… i wrote something like “you shouldn’t have called” and explained everything..but unfortunately added many not so nice words and at the end i was like “see you at the christmas party if you come”…… he never responded as he always did..even though he had admitted that he knew how that must suck… i felt bad afterwards though..then finally there was the christmas party.. i got to know that he didn’t talk a single word with my girlfriend at the party…..also at the beginning he was acting all nice towards me… it was like he actually tried to go along with me..maybe because it was a party? i don’t know…. well, i guess i was still too in love and hurt to even look at him properly and i certainly could not talk to him… and maybe he felt offended by that…then one moment at that night i started to talk to him… i just couldn’t take it…. he was not too amused by that idea…. it hurt…. surely he was mad because of my messaged before that night…. but surely he was also mad because i always was the one who acted as if she didn’t know what she wanted… going back and forth back and forth………..if only i could have controlled my feelings..i would have shut down all the negative ones and done my best in getting along with him peacefully…………so then the christmas holidays followed and i was leaving the city with the close girlfriend i told you about…visiting friends of ours in another city….. he even texted us merry christmas and happy new year…yeah that was nice..but i still was hurt at the thought that he actually didn’t want to contact me but to contact my friend.. i don’t know..that was always something that bugged me…..and then one night, we still were out of town, he and some friends of us were at a house party and they were drunk and used his facebook account….liked many pictures of naked girls on facebook..and talked to my friend and me..and liked her profile pics and some of mine too… they acted so jerkish…even if they did it ouf of fun, i was not too amused by it all..then i just texted him personally “that’s embarassing.. why are you letting them using your facebook account and doing all that stuff..people can see that..” and his response was just “i was present/involved”…i spent new year’s eve out of town..and then posted a status on facebook which said “what’s past is past”..then suddenly on the same day HE private messaged me on facebook, sending me a picture with the title “damn she’s crazy” and he wrote “look that is you”…….i didn’t know what to think.. at first i was wondering “huh? a private message by HIM”..and then i saw the link and was like “oh”…. i thought i’ll just laugh it away and respond with a friendly “haha”.. but then i actually read the whole thing and i started to cry…. i didn’t respond… i was back in the city… and eventually i responded anyway and asked him what he expected that i would say to that picture….and told him that i was hurt…and kinda complained that i was the only one of both of us who was still in pain… the reason why i was hurt so much was because even if i ended things between us at the end again, it felt like he ended everything because of his distant behaviour and on top of that as a girl i was confronted with the issue that he used me and just wanted sex…all the time…… well..his response was careless, as usually… he didn’t care about my feelings and said he didn’t expect any response, and certainly not such an emotional and long message by me again… he kinda hated it when i was getting emotional..that he clearly showed me everytime again and again………..then after that i heard that he was acting bitter when it was about me… i was told that he said he started to lose respect for me…he criticised the way i lived.. he just commented every negative thing he had got to know about me.. i always saw our friends alone without him and vice versa…well….there started to be too much resentment on both sides..a friend said that he needed to say those things about me for his own ego.. maybe he also was dealing with that post breakup stage thing…once he posted that song on facebook that says i got 99 problems but a bitch aint one….then once he posted when i was your man by bruno mars…. i really do not know if he ever thought about me when posting that stuff.. i only believed that everything that was negative was for me.. but not the song by bruno mars..certainly not…then once he posted some song about heartbreak, he just liked the way that girl was singing and he even added “not heartbroken as the song may suggest”…well once i still made the mistake writing random angry comments, but this time i deleted them again….everything that he talked about on facebook with our friends were just so provocative..letting everyone know how he met pretty girls and joined those spotted pages…..especially i was hurt that he always commented when my girlfriend was posting something on her facebook..and what was really weird was that he also joined the conversations i was involved in….but never talked directly to me..that was so weird…well.. i was tired of that and i was tired of facebook stalking him…so i deleted him once again…and have not added him ever since… these days i also blocked him so that he wouldn’t have to see it if i commented on some of our mutual friends’ facebook posts..and that i don’t feel tempted to write something on their profiles to get his attention or that he knows what is going on in my life…but this year there were still some occasions where we had to see each other because of the same circle of friends we share….and it was painful for me…not being able to talk to him..receiving his evil glares just like at the christmas party…..it’s like he never admitted what he ever did wrong between us…and…did all that crappy stuff on facebook and the crappy comments about me ….it was like so typical..that he as the guy got so quickly over everything.. and could act so cool about it, you know… it was just those two times when i felt like he could care about me.. the night when he called me before the christmas party and told my friend he worried about me and the second time when he posted that song by bruno mars… maybe he was referring to me.. but maybe not..well.. i don’t know..it was just so appropriate for him to post that because on that day he met two friends ouf ours who i had met a few days before….but maybe he just liked the song..and his post had nothing to do with me…anyway…

    i still talked too much about him with a friend of us.. like saying negative things about him too and still being bitter and angry… it hurt so much more because of all the things i heard that he had said about me.. which made it even harder for me to get closure, i guess… and the fact that he acts like i am the only one to blame for everything.. he even told someone that he is not sure if he ever had any feelings for me…. he turned into that person cold as ice towards me which again got clear in the next incident.. not too long ago i talked to the friend again and complained and stuff…that was after he and our friends were together studying in the library. for the first time he made some effort to also talk to me..different from the other occasion before when we had to see each other..but in the library only when we were surrounded by others he was acting nice and neutral towards me… because once when he was sitting next to me because he had no other choice and that seat next to me was free, i could not help but talk to him and ask him what he was studying.. but again i received that evil glare by him..!!! inwardly i thought why are you staring at me like that.. aren’t you the one i should look at like that…. on that day i thought i could do it, go there and join him and our friends, not care about him.. but i tell you it still hurt….i was getting in a good mood when we made eye contact and greeted each other, when he suddenly talked to me too… but then again got in a bad mood when my personal conversation with him failed, he looking so angrily at me… and the fact that he could sit next to me and study without any problems also just hurt… secretly i was always busy with the thoughts that he was there….

    all in all i was acting really hard on him, i admit i have a complicated and not so easy personality to deal with…and eventually i got part of that “crazy ex behaviour” or “damn she’s crazy” persona due to all my many and oftentimes long and emotional private messages and text messages i ever sent him……..

    and i tell you just some days ago i EMAILED him!!!!…. yes, i blocked him on facebook, i do not have his phone number anymore.. BUT I EMAILED him.. i hate myself for that… one day after it i regretted it so much… it’s just that these days i have problems.. and in times like that i really miss talking to him.. because he understood these kind of problems… in the email i let him know i feel regretful about where we’re now and that i am sorry for everything that happened also the things he might have heard that i was telling our friend about him… and i brought up the topic whether we could get along again…and i asked him if he could tell me whether he thinks we could talk normally again one day or not.. if he thinks whether we can never go along again…and that he honestly can tell me if he wants me to leave him alone..and i wrote “although i know i could tell it myself that you want me to leave you alone but i think it’s okay to try to contact someone again”…and i said that i am not asking for being close friends again.. guys, imagine i sent him that email after i told our friend about all my complaints ………and by the way, ever since he stopped contacting that girlfriend… maybe that friend let him know about my opinions and thoughts….. and he stopped doing crappy stuff…. but since he tunred into cold as ice and obviously started to really hate me…not wanting to talk to me…..being over it.. he must be very disturbed by me EMAIL…!!!!…………………………-.- what would you tell me? what do you think about me and my story? i admit my story is really complicated..and maybe you do not understand why i am complaining so much and am in pain when i was the one who acted wrongly at first, always breaking things off between him and me.. which in retrospect must have lead him to hating me, losing respect for me as he does now… right now i am at a stage where i do not want to be angry and bitter anymore….but still i regret sending that email… i never proved to him that i can act sane and just leave him be and get over it….it is march and i contacted him again…..and it is kinda hard not to be angry and bitter because now all these positive feelings for him are coming up again… and my mind is filled again with all the happy moments we shared…………i thought i was getting better…but then it comes back all again..and i cry again.. but it does not hurt the same anymore… maybe that shows i actually made some progress… it is as danimal said ” Some people need more time to heal, even if it was a short lived relationship”…….i feel pathetic though.. i just wish as i also wrote in my email to him that everything would have never happened and we could be okay again….you know… but that email was inappropriate and just wrong behaviour.. and i hate it that i am missing him again… regretting things bygone times…..and i read the truth is one does not miss the other person in such a situations… it is just during hard times… or just memories….but i can tell that i am not over it yet completely….but i was making so good progress…with ups and downs you know..

    i hope someone reads my long story..:/// please i need some advice and opinions……since i think some of you can relate to me…a bit at least…

  14. AS March 11, 2013 at 6:37 pm #

    Interesting reading all of the different stories, I’m glad I’m not the only one in a difficult position.

    My boyfriend and I started dating 3 months ago right after he ended a 2 year long relationship. We have known each other for 7 years and have always been friends and share the same inner circle. While he was still with his ex we talked and texted all the time, but we always had boundaries and I respected his relationship, but it quickly became apparent why we were always talking to eachother. One night we got drunk together and he professed his feelings for me, and I told him that whether or not I felt the same was irrelevant and not something we should discuss while he lived with another girl. He told me he wanted to pursue what we had and he subsequently broke it off with his live-in girlfriend 3 weeks after the conversation to prove his sincerity.

    We started seeing each other immediately after she moved out of his apartment and spent almost every day together. We have absolutely the best time together where we can laugh and play but also an intellectual and passionate connection, and a great love life.

    Both our families know about our relationship and we have met each other’s parents on numerous occasions before, and everyone gets along. My sister is married to his best friend, and a lot of our mutual friends are in couples, so naturally they were excited for us and started treating us like a couple a week into dating eachother. We even went on a holiday a month into seeing eachother, and we have another vacation planned and booked in May with 4 friends.

    We have both talked about the importance of our relationship to each other and he has expressed a desire to move in together and settle down and that this is for the long haul. I have had my doubts whether it was moving too soon and I’ve told him before that I like to take things easy instead of rushing in, and he agreed, but because of all the ties and our friends always arranging things and events we never actually got to take it slow, it’s been a whirlwind. Personally, as much as I know that he is in love with me, I was also worried that he was emotionally unstable jumping from a relationship to another basically overnight. This idea came to materialize a couple of days ago.

    For a few days he had been very closed off and not his usual happy and talkative self so when I asked him what was bothering him, he told me he is in love with me and afraid that everything has moved too quickly and that jumping from one relationship into another might have been a mistake. He is completely over his ex so she is not the issue, its moreso the fact that he never had the time to just be himself and find himself again after their breakup, and that he is afraid he is bringing emotional baggage into our relationship because of it. As much as I know he is right, it bothers me that this is coming 3 months into it. He told me he wants a future with me and wants to commit himself 100% to us, but he needs a little time to figure his own life out and feel like himself again before we go all the way and commit to each other wholeheartedly.

    He assured me that this is just for short while to make sure that all ties to his past are severed so that he can go all in.

    Should I worry that he needs to some time off from our relationship to help us be stronger in the future? Does this even sound legitimate or just a bad excuse? I’m extremely hurt but I’ve agreed to giving him some space. He’s texted me since to tell me how grateful he is that I understand and that he isn’t doing this to hurt me, but to help us become better together in the long run.

    If any males are reading this, I would appreciate the input.

  15. Cory March 15, 2013 at 3:33 am #

    I met a girl in my freshman year. We got together around junior year and were together for a year and 10 months….we had a fight….she said it was over….in my anger i said “OKAY FINE WHATEVER”….we met occasionally between now and then and she tried to get me to come back to her saying she was sorry…the only reason i didnt accept it was that was the second time she had said it was over in 3 weeks…..i didnt want to feel like a toy so i blocked her number over winter break….when we started talking again she and i continued being as close as we had been when we were together….and even kissed and more…..but then she got in a relationship with a friend of mine of 4 years…..i still talk to her and him and when i talk to her it seems like i’ve been replaced. She assures me this is not the case and that she still loves me and wants to try again…….i have made all of these mistakes except talking to her family about it……What do i do?

    • Cory March 15, 2013 at 3:36 am #

      I actually havent had a rebound relationship because in my mind i would be unfaithfull to this girl….Even though she is with another guy

  16. Edsil March 19, 2013 at 9:30 pm #

    Done all the above mistakes.
    the think is reading them drive me more crazy and feel worst of myself.
    Am trying to be honest as much as i can because seriously
    ”I NEED HEP”
    am shouting it loud for the first time in front of a millions of readers and am putting the courage behind It AND write what i do really feel inside of me that keep on crushing me.
    so am asking if any one wants to help
    PLEASE READ MY STORY TILL THE END

    i cant stop thinking and imagining of her and i coming back together its been almost 5 years of my pain and just cant get out of it.

    My story goes way back in 11/11 2001 when we met i was 25 she was in her 20,
    in that time i was really and repeat really popular and a Manager of a famous night life, i use to know most of common known faces and famous people, hang with them, after party’s hangouts you name it i admit i wasn’t an angel but in that time i was getting filled up after 8 years of this night life ambiance and i was trying to get out from this atmosphere as well, it is fun and good feeling to be wanted and feel loved but it was missing always the true thing cause u know it is not the real thing you want something from them the want something from you and its always the same or if you met someone it will be a one night stand or a F**k buddy, casual relation cause this how it is in such places.

    Until one day after those years where we usually hangout after work to do our meeting on a coffee where day walkers meets the night walker.
    A sweet face approche my table after i finished my meeting with the staff, asking me with that big smile on the face ” i dont want it to look as i am hitting on you but what is that you do everyday on that sketchbook”
    and to be honest for the first time after all these years someone approche me to ask me an innocent question about something i like, and not the usual questions i get from my night life.
    so invite her and we sit and have a pure regular fun conversation in one hour before she goes to her university and i go to bed.
    we where meeting like that sometimes for almost 3 months until her birthday came on 29 jan 02 and i throw her a surprise party for her 21 and we start to meet up more in the mornings while shes going to uni and i to bed and in the afternoon before i go to work and she goes home.

    few months more we were dating and hanging out it was officially we are in relation until the my third yearly Christmas invitation where i meet up with her parents when they told her later that am not the right person for her plus the culture don’t help.i endured and faced lots of racism and bulling in my life because of my dark color.
    (She’s a typical Lebanese village girl and am a mixed of european afro Lebanese from the city) Means my look fall more into dreadlocks earrings all stars shoes and not the freak on the leach type by that i mean the suit.
    Anyway it did not effect on our relation since she decide to continue and its her life not them and she the one that she loves me.
    And gave me more of a motivation and self esteem and started to think more of how to flip and show them that they were wrong about me and am not what am look like until i had a chance to go abroad to Dubai and start a new life in 05 where i went and start from zero building myself and we were in long distant relation for almost 8 month she did visit me once as a surprise on my birthday during that phase and she was telling me that she want to be with me and shes missing me where i promised her that ill make it happen and by the end of that year i did brought myself a car and rented a house and brought her abroad where we started to live together and planing to our future we were almost married the only thing was missing is papers we had those rings match and bracelet matches i mean my love life was to good to be true i was completely changed started to be more responsible and yes i became freak on leach in real estate as assistant sales manager i mean i was going on the right track. where one day my little girl who i trust her dearly and in my life for supporting our cause and that proved that she loves me. started to change her habits of staying late chatting with her friends as she use to tell i did have no problem with that and it becomes more and more of her first thing to do as soon as we get home i mean she was so attached to facebook and messenger that sometimes i end up eating alone until one day i had peak and i wish someone did punch me in the face because what i was i was shocked that Innocent thing that i know is flitting dirty chat with someone she met on facebook.

    and we had our fight she cried and explain that it was fun nothing serious its just words i was in silent treatment with her like for a week and we went back she cut the crap of chatting for a while enough to deserve my trust in her again.
    But that was a shock to me and i started many times during the day i just to go i think what if? and what if? until the what if came one day after visiting her parents the usual visits that she do during the year to find out that she did cheated on me with one of her friends but this time was physical and she admit it to me and it was a mistake, i hold up myself seriously i didn’t know what to do i was in mix up emotion i was angry and feeling sorry to see her cry like that enough for me to go to my weak point and hold her.
    we were going up and down fighting on everything and never felt her sorry was manful i was trying to find the WHY?
    talked to her to find out the crazy answer after asking over and over to tell me ” he was my crush but i wont you know that you i love and i liked”
    talked to her sister who always believed in culture and the image of it and could they let this happen to let her go in someones cars the answer was ” its our sister and we will support her decisions and maybe because she was only with you”
    i was in anger range and furious until today i didnt want to believe the truth i was just saying that this is not happening because the pain killed me from inside.

    with all this we continued to live together since we don’t have but each other in that foreign place and we decide with all of these fight to take a break specially that her grandma passed away, and next thing i know when she came from the funeral she did it again with the same guy.
    and that did killed me to know even if we are on break, we were living in the same apartment cook for her pampering take care for her when shes sick care for her and all what she do is hurting me that thing was in my head on and on i couldn’t focus on my work anymore my self esteem crushed my manager skills stated to fade i couldn’t control myself anymore cant be a leader for a team.
    while the more to add on was her acting like neutral and nothing happen i didn’t feel the regret that she told me and feel her more in control and me was feeling going more to inside she was confusing me a day she hugs and kiss and care and the second she act distance.
    until i decide in the end of 2011 that i have leave and give myself a chance to build up myself together again i want myself back and this has to start in the new year i shipped up my personal thing back home where she was surprised and she was thinking am bluffing and to surprise her that am leaving in the coming three days after to be back home she drives me to the airport she hugged me and cred the day i reach home she called crying to say that she misses me and she sorry to hurt me she wanted to come back. and we kept in touch where we met in few days later to pick me up to a coffee shop where we sit like we used to be laughing and talking the discussion was confusing and that was the last time i saw after we stayed in contact on whatsaap every now and checking on each other as she wanted us to be friends until few month later where i decide to leave cause i hated back home now and i don’t want to meet up with this loser who she did cheated me with cause deep inside i know am gonna kill him for working and sneaking under my nose as her friend to get her in his bed without caring what he is destroying, other my bad memories and the racism that never ends.
    so i decide to go Greece as far as i can get cause if i want to go dubai ill have to face her and if i went to lebanon i might have to face both of them cause both of the country are small in where people meet up.
    now am living in greece with my family where am trying to get my thing together and helping them in building a business which is going only for summer time on tourism season they believe in me cause they know how successful i can be and they got a true love for me but am the one who’s completely lost, am now 35 years trying to get what it comes just to live my life unsociable staying in my room the whole day dont trust anyone and my sickness to the girl that i love still exist and she still contact me and asking me how i am, and i do still miss her till she contact me and when she do sometimes i just let my anger and remind her of what she said or did and then i fall to my weakness and contact her again or say sorry i want to be friend with and want her back.
    yes this kind of felling i have and i feel from almost 5 years i want her back i want my life back i want my stronger personality to appear again i just had it from keep saying yes for thing i dont want to do.

    forgive me for my long story but am trying it to find some hope cause if anyone, anyone can help me please do, am desperate for salvation from this pain and for happiness and am afraid and don’t wanted it to go more.

  17. Claire, UK March 26, 2013 at 4:57 pm #

    I’ve done all the above mistakes. The worst was begging him to have me back. I don’t know why i did that when we kept trying so many times. I just could never trust him. he was always sneaky with his phone, never on loud or vibrate and only ever used it when he went to the bathroom. It wasn’t just that though, it was the constant messing around about living together, the mental abuse and him always saying he was stressed out over me

  18. Maggie March 27, 2013 at 6:31 pm #

    I did the mistake of rebounding with my ex and also his best friend in and around the same time after the split..his best friend knows I have rebounded with my ex but my ex doesn’t knows that I have also rebounded with his best friend…I am just too scared if he comes to know it…he won’t think twice before calling me names…scared of my name getting spoilt..I don’t know what to do..plz help me with some advice…I was too emotionally broken and hurt that time..I regret it…in my proper senses I would never done it..kindly help me with some advice..

  19. Kimberly March 28, 2013 at 9:41 pm #

    I was one of the “lucky” few…part of the mere 3% that actually got back with their exes. 3 months after my ex broke up with me, I broke the No Contact Rule and got a different outcome this time. My ex wanted to give it another shot. My world suddenly felt full of color again and I was on cloud 9. I just KNEW that our love was different and stronger than anyone else’s. He suddenly woke up one day and he saw how wonderful I was. I just knew we were going to live happily ever after.

    The “honeymoon” stage lasted only 2 short weeks before I saw this person who I thought was the love of my life, change instantly before my eyes.He did things that he never did during our “first tour” together. He started cancelling dates, hanging up on me if I ever brought up anything he didn’t feel like talking about, constantly accussing me of seeing other people, ignoring me and blowing little things out of proportion…turning things around and making me feel like we weren’t working because of me. What did I do? I lived off the scraps he was throwing me and begged for more. I did this for 2 months.

    It finally hit me. He didn’t love me anymore. I didn’t matter that he said he did, his actions proved the complete opposite. Always remember this…”We are what we DO”. Words are empty without the action behind them.

    I urge you, follow Eddie’s advice and do not break the No Contact Rule. I got that second chance with my ex and all I have to say is, you better watch what you wish for. It will NEVER be the same. You will regret it and feel even worse. And more importantly, you will have lost all that precious time you should have used to heal and move on. You will have to start your recovery all over again. Don’t do this to yourself like I did.

    I know it’s hard, but you have leave the past in the past. It feels like you are merely “existing” but you will get better. I promise. Never regret. Never look back. It just wasn’t meant to be and you have to force yourself to have faith and believe that your person is out there for you. It just wasn’t your ex. Simple as that.

    You are an amazing person and you just haven’t met your parter yet. Good luck and let’s get on with our healing!

    Adgirl

    • Edsil March 31, 2013 at 12:44 pm #

      Dear kimberly,

      you can not imagine how much your story help, thank you for sharing

    • Sue June 27, 2013 at 4:47 am #

      Kimberly,

      your story certainly helped me to focus. I was at the 1 month mark of no contact and I broke down. I have been married for 9 years and my husband left me. Of course he had his reasons but the truth of the matter is I believe he fell out of love with me. I have been trying to rebuild my life one moment at a time but I just got weak and did the unthinkable.

      The only saving grace was that my contact was not begging and pleading for a reunion of any kind. I wished him well, did not share what I’ve been up to, and said I had no regrets. I am not expecting a response.

      I wish I had waited longer but I am hoping it will have a more positive affect on bringing me the closer I need to move on. I am glad that I no longer have the urge to take him back but listening to your story pretty much seals the deal for me. Thanks for sharing.

    • Sue July 13, 2013 at 8:44 pm #

      Your post really helped me to get back on track. I broke the NC rule more than once for different reasons and it always ended up hurting more than before the contact. I need to realize its done! It’s been 6 weeks and I kept thinking I wanted him back. Was I ready for the “drama” that comes along with his return? Absolutely not. We have a tendency to forget the bad stuff based on our pain and loneliness. The transference of blame is incredible. only shows me that reconciliation would be a huge mistake.

      I’m back at day one of NC but I am stronger. These set backs are not worth the pain. He left me! I need to remember that. I am really struggling financially and emotionally right now but I know this won’t last forever.

      Thanks again for your insight and words of wisdom. I’m working on having no regrets.

  20. anaeli March 30, 2013 at 10:00 pm #

    I have made mistakes 1 through 4, up until last monday, march 25th…. I wanted explanations, I wanted a true apology but then realized that it was not going to change what happened. I was taken for a fool by someone who lied to me from day one until my sixth sense kicked in and I found out lies lies nothing but lies… once cornered, of course, he broke up with me which was actually a favor but I was in love… how do you get over that??? I am hating myself right now for all the humiliation I put myself through by committing those first four mistakes, writing emails, texts, IM and eventually being blocked by him from type of possible ways to contact him, that made me so angry because I imagined him laughing it all out with his friends. He did me wrong and I wind up making myself looking like the crazy one and it makes me so angry that I feel like it is driving me nuts…. I can’t stop crying, I have all these mixed emotions, hate, anger, then I feel so broken hearted… I’m trying, God knows I’m trying to hang on the the real facts about this, that I should be standing on my two feet, thanking God he did me a favor by taking this person far away from me but I can’t find myself to forgive, not just yet… How can someone be so cruel and heartless and just walk away without any consequences?? meanwhile we are left empty and hurt…. I am on day 6 of NC and its been so hard…. today has been a bad day, I just don’t want to get up off my bed…

    • Kukut March 31, 2013 at 1:20 pm #

      HI Anaeli

      I completely understand what u are going through. I’m in same situation. I went through same stuffs what u did when my GF broke the biggest news on Feb 17. I did not knew what went wrong, i was looking for answers everywhere. After only 1 and half week after she told me she is not in love with me anymore and does not have any feelings, she was already with another man. She was playing me for all those years (strung me along, used me and never gave anything back) and i was blinded by love. Kept on thinking how can someone be so selfish and cruel? How can she get away with this while i’m left with emptiness and hurt. She is already having fun with someone else while i’m still crying. I’m getting better though but still cry. It’s been nearly 1 month of NC but i still feel like calling her tell her that she is selfish, cruel, heartless and self centered and go to get F**ed but have not done that yet. I get so angry that sometime i contemplate on taking revenge by killing her and the new bf. I used to sleep so well in the past but now it all gone. Last week i did not sleep for 5 days straight. Insomnia. I have not slept 3 hours straight, always broken sleep. For the first time i had to go to GP to get some sleeping tablets. I never thought i would need sleeping tablets, because in the past it took me less than 10 sec to go to bed. Now it’s all changed. I hope time heals. I really feel for you and what u are going through. Stay strong.

    • Edsil March 31, 2013 at 1:47 pm #

      Dear Anaeli,

      i feel you, and believe me i was stuck in ”why? looping” almost for 5 years, their will be no answer no matter what answer they will give, it want satisfy you, cause you gonna keep on repeating the same question on every answer they will give you, cause we think that they will act like us, to feel a bit of regret, to show remorse, but in fact its our true emotions and we confuse our self in denial of what is happening and we go more angry and hate our self when we see them they move on like nothing happen and we start to loop the same question on and on ”how? why?” after all i done for you, after being faithful, loyal, caring, loving, giving you cut me out not even to be a friend?
      if you just focus on your self answer after every” how? and why?” you realize that your self answer is always describing an AMAZING person which is ”YOU”
      i am now on NC since the day 19 of march and believe me i decide to take my final decision after 5 years looping in circle doing what your doing feeling sorry for myself crying and sleeping i become unsocial person locking myself in my apartment cant stay in job my fire ambition turned off.
      to finally when i did let it out here i started to feel a bit different i read my own story for the first time and realize that all the time i was acting what i wanted her to act i was doing all the mistakes above one by one and give her more power over me and making me feel bad about myself while the real truth was in front of me all the time with the unconscious denial and it really hit me this is what they want the same thing that i want but the difference is ”I AM A GREAT PERSON” and she don’t even deserve my friendship.
      So stop shading those tears dear on people they don’t deserve it and shift it all this care and feelings to the amazing you no one deserve it more then you.
      Try to read Kimberly story in the above its an inspiring story that realty did help me to stick now more on NC

      All the courage, loves and hugs for you girl your an amazing caring person hang in their your soon to be free xxx

  21. Gydie May 29, 2013 at 8:03 am #

    I feel like someone else is living my life.

  22. Andreas June 12, 2013 at 7:33 pm #

    I have made a few of those mistakes. Does that mean there is no hope anymore for a reunion? Does it mean there is nothing left?

  23. Unknown June 21, 2013 at 10:06 am #

    All 6 mistakes after the break up last year.. I feel so stupid now.

    But i stopped all contact 6 months back.

  24. lady July 5, 2013 at 1:27 am #

    I have been on here before. I broke the nc over and over again. I believe my ex was wanting me back. For three and half years we have been going through. I stayed with him during his sepration and supposly divorce. I have yaken his physical and mental abuse. I have been in the hospital because of him leaving me. Well ladies and gentlemen, my ex got married on me after we were working it out. Yes after he was with me three days later they got remarried. Yes remarried his ex. Wow. But they called me and cusses me out. The man i loved called me a bitch whore slut. Yes he destroyed me. She cussed me out. I told her he was with me. I am living in the worst nightmare people. We live five min away. He has been lying. He never got a divorce. Living with both.

  25. Arun Kumar July 8, 2013 at 11:54 am #

    Thanks Eddie,

    Your help at this time is god sended. Am totally ok after 1 week of crying after reading your blogs. You are a wonderful teacher. Thanks a lot. My gf left me for another man. She was my first love. I could not come out of the feeling that she did it to me. But now I am totally ok. thanks a lot.

  26. Ellen July 9, 2013 at 5:02 am #

    I’ve been going through a bad break up for the past four months. We were together for over a year, half of it was long distance. We were a good couple we had a lot of common traits, enjoyed the same things and eachothers company. When we were together there was nothing to complain about we were happy. until he moved to work in a family business outside the US. we pushed through but the distance took its toll on him and he felt he didnt see me moving. I just hurt. I have lost my self confidence bc he rejected me. We broke up not only bc he felt the distance was not going to work but neither of use was ready just yet to pick up and move in together, leaving one life, job, and family behind. Yet he strung me along for four months. No contact rule- I failed that. The longest we’d go without speaking was a week. He kept telling me he didn’t know what he wanted to do, that it was so hard for him, that he wasn’t sure if he’d regret the decision. On and on. I had given everything, my all, I told him I would move, my ties were not to home or my job, I was willing to sacrifice for him. I told him to let me go visit (he lives outside the states) but even then he said he wasn’t sure if it would change anything. He didnt think i could move outside the states and be happy only having him. Things seemed good, we would Skype and text, I felt he didn’t want to lose me, he was just at a tough place personally and dealing with issues about starting a business and building a career, moving to a new country. That was until a week ago when he said things have changed, that he cares, but we’re friends. I don’t want to be friends. I don’t understand how a month ago when he came in to the states and we saw each other he was so emotional, he told me he loved me that we’d see how things go.. One month ago. my heart had hope, i though maybe he will realize he made a mistake, out of fear, selfishness..But now it’s like he completely changed his mind. He says we’re friends and he’s gotten use to being alone these past four months…Although we’ve seen each other for days In-between the break up and spoke all the time. I feel like he really doesn’t know what he wants, which gives me hope that maybe one day he’ll recognize he wants to be with me. But it kills me, he even says I can’t rely on false hope anymore. I just have such a tough time letting go, not contacting or thinking about him in everything I do. I can’t get him out of my head, yet alone get him out of my heart.

  27. JoJo July 14, 2013 at 3:04 pm #

    Seeking support to let go for good … I meet the love of my seven years ago and we got married shortly after. I turned my life upside down to for him and his 4 children that he had custody of by selling my small home that I could afford to buy a 5 bedroom house that would require two incomes, because of course we were going to be together forever. Six months into our marriage things started to go south. I became bitter and started to change because I was overwhelmed. I was 38 years old. Even though I had been married before, he was the first man I ever allowed myself to trust and give myself to with everything I had. He moved out one week after an argument saying he needed space. After a week he came back, only then for me to find out he had moved in with another woman for that week.I stayed with him for 4 more years because I loved him and believed he loved me and was my soulmate. He did try to make us work, and so did I. The problem was neither one of us were trying at the same time…after four years together he left one night for good. I was destroyed. I had to take a month off of work because I could not get out of bed and all I did was cry. My whole world was gone. Neither one of us filed for a divorce for over a year, and during that years time I started to build a support system with friends and family to help me cope. Over that years time he would message me to see how I was and to tell me he missed me and that he would always love me and that no one in his life would ever compare to what the two of us had together. We saw each other once after a year to decide if we would get back together or get a divorce. I thought I was taking control of my life and could move forward by filing for a divorce a month later. I never heard from him during the divorce and he just signed the papers and the divorce was final. I heard a few months later that he was with someone else that he got pregnant, mind you his youngest child at this time was 13 … soon only to find out he married her. I had a few relationships over this period of time and always compared these men to him and what I thought we had together and it never came close to comparing so I always ended them. After a while I started to hear from him again. Although he was married with a new baby he said he still loved me, I was still his best friend and he made a mistake. There wasn’t a day that went by in the 3 years that we were apart that I didnt think about him…

    Finally one day last August he called me to tell me that him and his wife were getting a divorce and he wanted to give us another shot. I went back … I knew from the first night that I saw him that the two of us had changed a lot over time but the love was still there and by god I was going to make this work! I had to – because there HAS to be something behind both of us hanging on for all these years right?? It was meant to be! I didn’t give it 100 percent – and he didn’t either … at first I thought I was past all of the bad that took place with us “because I had grown so much as a person” but over an eight month time spam everything that tore us apart the first time came back to me and I started to get anxious and started to ask myself why I was there. I missed being alone with all of my friends that I walked away from to be with him again. Last Tuesday I packed up and left because “I was taking control of my life and my own happiness again”. Several hours after I left I was texting him and calling him asking to come back … he never responded. I felt like I did what I had to do but still for some reason desperately wanted him to tell me to come back that he loved me and we would figure this out. WHY??? Today is day 5 without him contacting me. I continued to contact him via calls and texts up until Friday morning. I feel like I am going thru withdraw from getting texts and calls from him telling me how much he loved me. I feel a huge lose right now and still have a very strong uncontrollable urge to text or call him or even hear from him KNOWING we just can’t be together anymore.

    I need to CHANGE this pattern, I need to let go for good. I was not happy. I just don’t know how – or if I will ever be OK again …

    • Sue July 15, 2013 at 6:47 pm #

      Hi JoJo

      Your story is compelling unfortunately so many of us are still in pain. You have spent many years trying to love this person and yet those years are gone forever and it seems so is he. From reading your story I realized that we must do the work to really purge them from our souls. I am only on day 3 of NC but I have stumbled twice before and frankly I am tired of starting this process over and over. I am the one that breaks the rule more than my ex.

      This also reinforces that taking them back with the issues unresolved, leads to disaster in the end. It is so hard to see my life without him but I am trying to take care of me during this time to get strong and get focused. I don’t have any excuse not to heal but the tape in my head paralyzes.

      This website is so very helpful in that we can come here when we feel weak and read the stories of others and the uplifting words from Eddie. We must continue to support one another because there is light at the end. Think of the years you’ve given away that you can’t get back for someone who is unworthy.

      I am still fragile and taking one hour at a time but I am feeling encouraged. I know we deserve better. Hang in there and I wish you the best. We have an excellent network of folks out there. Together we will heal. God Bless.

  28. Abadi July 18, 2013 at 5:45 am #

    I can’t stop thinking about my ex and if it was a mistake that we are no longer together. My ex and I come from different countries. She lives in Geneva and I live in Jeddah. We met in Geneva and a long distance relationship started. And every time I visit I spend most of my time with her. We loved each other a lot. First time we broke up was because she thought I didn’t text her enough and we didn’t talk for months. Once I went back to Geneva we got back together. We talked about marriage and kids and moving with me to Jeddah once we are married. Then 4 months ago the texts become less. Then she tells me her mom found out we are together and she is against it. She calls me and tells me her mom thinks that she won’t be able to live in my country, that she has a job and life in Geneva and that she will be alone if she was with me. She was crying and I told don’t cry I will be the one who lost here and u will be fine. We don’t talk for months. Then a trip to Geneva comes up and suddenly I start thinking about her and I can’t stop. I text her and she replies we talk like its normal. I tell her I miss her and she side steps it. I tell her I’m coming to Geneva soon. She sends me back a smiley face. When I’m in Geneva I call her and ask her if she wants to meet for coffee. She tells me she thinks its not a good idea and her friends are visiting her for 4 weeks. I tell her she has my number if she changed her mind, she says ok. I don’t call or text her again. But I can’t stop thinking about her and the what ifs. What if it was a mistake? What if she was the one I can’t live without? Did she move on? Is she seeing someone? I’m crushed and obsessed and I don’t know what to do. My family tell me that it would never have worked and to move on. I tell myself you only miss her because there is nothing currently going on your life and that I need to man up and get a life. I feel bipolar. But I can’t stop thinking about her and part of me wants to call her and ask her if she still loves me and if she wants to marry me? And part of me says no move on but I’m afraid that I won’t and that I will never find someone as beautiful and caring as her. And when i realize that it will be too late. I don’t know what to do? Help me please

    • val January 19, 2014 at 8:11 am #

      I met my ex at work he was respectful to but I feel that maybe things triggered the breakup. When he asked me out and later asked if I would be his girlfriend I didn’t expect it. He said he didn’t care about gossip at work as long as we liked eachother. 2 wks into the relationship I mistakenly forgot my cell at home. My cousin was pretending to be me and text him non stop. Wasn’t till almost a month to the bill that I found a huge amount due. Went in person and one of the employees showed me all the texts on screen and it devastated me. By the time I found out he already had his foot out the bf door. He now says he doesn’t mix work with pleasure. If he said he liked me and even talked of a good future why would he just end it.

  29. Stacey July 23, 2013 at 10:10 pm #

    I understand the feelings of obsession, like a drug you cant get enough of. It has been almost a year for me and he still pops in my head daily. I do wish that I could get him out, I have had no contact with him since February. He would always initiate the contact I never understood it. Now a few times I texted him and emailed him and no response so I just leave it alone. I know I am better off without him, but the loniless gets to me and talking to guys on dating websites is getting so old, just wish I could find someone who will fill that void and connection.

    Abadi you should just try to move, the sooner you do the better you will feel. I know its hard but it will be for the best trust me.

    • Pup July 28, 2013 at 5:36 pm #

      The sooner you can feel happy and ok when your alone and not lonely, the sooner you will be able to make space in your life for someone to contribute to your life instead of make it.

      • Stacey August 6, 2013 at 9:31 pm #

        I do feel good most of the time, maybe that day I was having a bad dayrecently lost a friendship with a good friend as well so that is hard and maybe brought the feelings up. The ironic thing is I just found my ex is deathly ill, so I did contact him to wish him well and let him know of course I do care. I did it for him but also myself because I am a person with a huge heart and no matter what we spent almost a year of our time together and that will never disappear. And I would feel awful if he passed away and I did not get to let him know how I feel.

  30. Anonymous July 28, 2013 at 8:47 pm #

    I would like you to edit #4. I have just undergone a horrific break up, only I didn’t know it was happening! My boyfriend (who is disabled) and I had a horrific fight on Saturday over the phone, and he fell down and I told him to hang up and phone his parents for help or 911. I phoned him 15 minutes later and also his parents, but there was no response. I phoned and emailed a few times on Sunday but still no response. Thinking he might be in a hospital or lying dead somewhere, I tried calling and emailing his parents. Still no response. Here I was all worried about him, not being able to sleep or eat; it was dreadful! Then I received an automated email that someone had changed the password on one of my accounts that we shared. I had a thought and called from a different phone. By magic, they answered. So, it was obvious we were broken up. The No Contact Rule should only be followed after it has been made very clear that you are broken up. Doing so beforehand is just cruel.

    • Eddie Corbano July 28, 2013 at 9:05 pm #

      I’m am sorry to hear that.

      Of course, going no contact BEFORE you have even broken up is cruel. #4 is meant for the “Dumpee” when it is clear that the break-up happened and I recommend in most cases sending an NC letter out beforehand.

  31. Bianca August 12, 2013 at 11:12 pm #

    I’ve been with my fiance for so long that I really don’t know what to do anymore with my life anymore. He just came one day and told me he doesn’t want me anymore because I talk to other people, and that reason is pretty stupid, cause he knows too well that I like to help people and he said that was a mistake .. Of course I cried, begged, asked for him to come back and he accepted .. then, a few days after, he told me he loved me, then told me he can’t be with me anymore, and then left… I resisted a few days until I told him again to think really well, beucase he means everything to me .. then, he just told me I’m stupid and that I’m going to die stupid cause he already moved on and I should do the same..he asked me to leave him alone forever and not even to say anything ..Please help .. I’m desperate..

    • Sue August 13, 2013 at 5:41 pm #

      Bianca
      Our ex’s make excuses to justify their leaving us. Of course you are not stupid. We love them so unconditionally and fail to see when they are no good for us. You say fiancé. Aren’t you glad you weren’t married yet? My husband left me after 10 years devastating the entire family. Since that time about 2 months ago. I’ve begged and pleaded as you did and then one day I had to stop and look at myself.

      It made me realize how little I loved myself to allow one person to control me and create havoc in my life. I am still broken and in pieces but I get a little stronger every day. Our ex’s made the decision to walk away that really has very little to do with us. How selfish of them.

      It’s hard to put things into perspective when we are in so much pain but once you do you might realize he did you a favor. I’m beginning to feel that way myself. Hang in there and be strong. Take this time to figure out what YOU want.

      • Stacey August 13, 2013 at 5:59 pm #

        Sue I think that we have to look at it as a favor to us. They apparently didn’t love or care for us as much as we cared for them. I made the mistake of contacting my ex just last week because I heard he was sick needed surgery, open old wounds and feelings after a year but I had to let him know I cared I wouldn’t want him to die without knowing. Stopped contact again because I know there will never be a future for us even though he said he still loved me and misses me, think he was just fighting with his current gf and needed someone to make him feel good. I stopped contact after his texts were becoming short and vague. So I did my part I said my peace in case for any reason he does not make it .

      • Bianca August 13, 2013 at 11:26 pm #

        Sue, thank you really much for your response and Eddie, you have no idea how happy I am I actually found you and all these great people. I’m so sad to read that so many people are actually in pain because they did nothing wrong, just loved so much .. Sometimes life is really not fair, but we must go on until we find a person who’s going to love and appreciate us for real. I really wish we all could recover easily and move on, forgetting about that person who does not have at all good intentions :) I actually understood that i WON’T need my ex anymore, because of too much pain he put me through, wish you all could realize that the best way is to stay away from everything reminds you of him/her and finally let go. Stay strong people, thank you again Eddie for everything you do for us!!!

        • Amitaf August 22, 2013 at 7:31 pm #

          Hi Sue, Bianca, and Stacey,

          You are all right. Our ex did us a favor of leaving and replacing us so that we would stop hoping that they will come back again. We are beautiful and loving women who do not deserve to be treated by our stupid exes. Please hang on, the pain will pass, the memories will fade, and we will never love our exes again, ever. We just have to follow Eddie’s teachings so that we could completely get heal and move on. We can do it! God bless all of us! :)

  32. Soph August 30, 2013 at 11:08 pm #

    Oh, have I made these mistakes, and more. I agree with Eddie’s point that these actions aren’t often avoidable, and I believe they are part of the “process”. My behavior in the ensuing days, weeks, months after my husband informed me he wanted a “time and space”, was out-of-body, crazy, “psycho”, erratic, out-of-control. He should have told me straight up he wanted a divorce; I figured his wanting “time and space” was temporary and we would definitely work things out, but it was his pretense for us living separately and a prelude to divorce.
    Even when I moved out I had hope. How crazy is that? He was relieved I was out the door, and I’m sure he was anxious and eager to start dating. I texted and emailed him relentlessly. I stalked his house, peered in the windows, broke into his email and Facebook. My emails and texts went from me being sweet and positive, to nasty and vindictive, and back and forth. I sent texts to his new girlfriend. I look back on it, and I am mortified. Just sick thinking of my behavior. I was hurting and feeling rejected and I felt powerless, I wanted to hang onto him, and I don’t know why. Of course as the dumper he immediately wanted to be friends, so we hung out as friends to watch movies, go for walks. I was giddy with excitement that he wanted to hang out with me; this meant he wanted to work on our marriage. Instead he just wanted to numb the blow for me by being my “friend”. Please, please, please do not fall into this like I did. I have enough space between then and now to see how the process works. It does prolong the healing. If I had started NC immediately, I would be way ahead where I am now. I have not had contact with my soon-to-be-ex-husband in about a month. Yes, a very short time, but I can tell you I am slowly starting to feel better about myself.
    The rejection just guts you. You feel so unattractive, not smart enough, think that nobody will ever love you again. Hanging on to somebody who rejected you is not worth the price. They are done/gone, and have been for a long time before they dumped you. It has taken me six months to understand this, in a large part thanks to Eddie’s honest advice. I found out my ex had an internet relationship while we were married; he told me that she gave him the courage to finally leave me. They didn’t get together, but my ex dated up a storm, and now has been seeing someone for a few weeks whom he claims is his “soulmate”…whatever.
    No-contact will be tough to swallow, but listen to Eddie, and from what I went through, I wish I had had the strength to let go immediately after I was dumped and cease ALL contact. This is so important everyone. I cannot stress this enough. Hanging on IS NOT WORTH THE PRICE. Your ex is NOT coming back.

  33. Searching September 8, 2013 at 4:18 pm #

    I just came on this site accidentally. And really thank you to Eddie. This really greatly helped me. My bf for 15 months broke up with me 3 weeks ago now. I am just starting the NC tomorrow. Some post here i read that relationships are 3 to 6 years. I am thinking, mine is not so much so i guess and hoping that it would be easier. I wish you all the best and i am sure soon we are all gonna be okay…

  34. Rosa September 9, 2013 at 4:34 am #

    I found this site about a week ago when I was looking for tips to get over being dumped. I was dumped about two months ago for someone younger who can still have children and probably will because she’s madly inlove with my ex. She had been after him for quite sometime and now she has him. My ex and I live together and we were having sex until about two weeks ago. I realized that it was over and that he would never love me again. Of course I made just about all the mistakes. I begged him and I even went temporarily insane where I actually wanted to cause this woman physical harm. Those crazy thoughts are gone now, but I still feel empty inside. I will be moving out before the end of the month and I have already asked my ex not to contact me. He then asked me, what if I need to talk to someone? I told him that he would then need to call a friend or family member, but that I would not be returning his calls or texts. He agreed. Since we still live together, I have to deal with him not coming home at least three times a week. I try not to let it bother me and I avoid picturing them together.

    I can’t believe that this man who was madly inlove with me and pursued me so much has left me for some ghetto woman who isn’t all that attractive. after 2 1/2 years with me and one day he just decides that he can dispose of me. I love this man so much and I love being intimate with him. How can I ever feel the same way about anyone? He is beautiful to me and he made me fall inlove with him with his kindness and love.
    Thank you for this website, it’s been a Godsend! I can be on here for hours just reading and it is truly helping me.

  35. Larissa October 25, 2013 at 5:03 am #

    I had an unusual situation. I was with my boyfriend for awhile, we are both young, but our relationship was always strange. For one thing, prior to us getting together I had been sort of “seeing” one of his close friends (ironically this was what kind of intergrated us) and had also been chatting with his younger brother. I was going through a “boy crazy” stage and began coming on to him with no real intentions. We hooked up and from that foward feelings ignited. I denied these feelings for a very long time to myself and him, and our relationship had a weird strain on it because of my nautral hostility and inability to settle to one man. I was very uncertain and feared getting hurt, but with time I realized I loved him very much regardless of my flighty feelings. He went away to Jamaica for a month and we became very distant. He was always the one who initiated contact in our relationship so I mainly just sat around waiting to hear from him. He did contact me but the distance still left me feeling lonley and bitter. I hooked up with two other guys while he was gone, mostly because in a phone call he expressed his desire to stay in JA. I knew he loved it there (he lived there most his life) and the selfless part of me wanted him to be happy, but it made my role in his life feel very insignifcant. When he came back I expected things to go right back to how it was but it was oppisite. He did not contact me whatsoever and I found myself spending a whole week in tears. I demanded to speak to him and while he was very calm and polite about it all, I could tell something was not right. When we got together to talk I basically did all the talking and all but broke up with myself, crying hysterically in front of a guy I’d played cool with for so long and loosing all my dignity. I was destroyed and hurt, and in a way blindsided because I had always thought he was fonder of me than I was of him. He texted me hours after this awful breakup to ask how I was doing, how he never wanted to see me hurt like that, and how he still wanted to be “best friends”. I knew no contact should have been my initial thought, but because we had so many mutual friends and bumped into each other daily I decided to keep my cool and shove my sadness aside. The following days he often trailed behind me talking to me like nothing had happened, texting me. Part of me was holding onto this so greatly and the other part knew it was dangerous. In any other case staying friends would have been the worst route but I think part of me knew it wasn’t the end.
    He began putting much effort into complimenting me, saying things to make me feel special. I could tell he wanted me back and it made me feel nice. Less than 2 weeks after he crushed my feelings we got back together and now 3 months later still we are dating. I love him a lot and I am quite confident he loves me the same as he expresses it in various ways, and I’m certain our relationship is stronger than it was before. It’s almost like we needed that to get back to our full potential as a couple. However I am now so hesitant and fearful of that happening again. I realize now I have to be cautious because he CAN break my heart again and make it permanant this time. It is really hard for me to just enjoy the feelings I have around him b/c all I think about is how I will handle the break up next time around ….

  36. Priscylla December 11, 2013 at 2:40 pm #

    My ex and I broke up two weeks ago. I already went through the depression phase, I barely ate, I took too much medicine to keep sleeping because awake I’d only miss him, I begged several times for him to come back, he went to my house and I called him because I was so bad that got sick and he was helping me but said that he didn’t want to get back together so i’d start crying and he’d hug me trying to calm me down but it only made it all worse. Then he asked me to stop calling him. I nailed it for five days then it was weekend and i started begging all over again. Yesterday I did it again and he didnt even answered with ‘stop’ like he used to, he just… ugh. I’m trying to accept that’s over but I just can’t. He means too much to me and just for writting this I’m about to cry.

    I’m eating normal again but sleeping shitty because I’m always dreaming with him and then I wake up to remember he’s not with me anymore so I go back to crying until I fall sleep again. I can’t concentrate at work, I don’t want to go out, I just want to lay down and not think of him, it’s too recent and I’m not dealing well. We broke up too many times but always got back together. I don’t know what to do anymore.

    I’m on my 1st day of NC.

    • Mark December 15, 2013 at 5:04 pm #

      Hi. I would like to talk with you later. I am going through the same thing and would like to talk. Maybe we could help each other. Mine is 2 weeks old also and I tried to get her back yesterday and it didn’t go so well. Their are other complex issues such as bipolar and borderline and I was with her 10 years. It really hurts bad and I want it all to just go away.

      • Priscylla December 15, 2013 at 8:15 pm #

        Hi, Mark! I tried to get him back for 2 weeks and it went horrible. I’m on my 5th day of NC but I miss him as much as I did when I was begging him to come back. The pain doesn’t seem to get any easier.

        10 years is such a long time, I can imagine how bad it hurts.

        • Mark December 15, 2013 at 8:44 pm #

          Yeah. Its rough. She has complex issues as well so I never know whats going on. When I tried to get her back it was like talking to a wall. No emotion. Nothing. We have split like this maybe 8 times for the last ten years. The whole time I was talking to her that little voice was telling me to be done with this. You don’t want her back. Pain and anxiety will make us all do things that maybe we shouldn’t be doing. I just want to let it go. It just hurts so much and then the banging that goes on in my head replaying scenarios over and over, blaming myself, all the negativity. I was broke up with her from May to August. Follwed the 60 day no contact and everything was getting a little better. Then Bamm she calls and tells me she misses me and starts crying and I went back. Knew it would end up this way. Hoped it wouldn’t. Just like if we got back together yesterday. It would all be the same. But Im ranting. If you want to vent ever just send me an email. I would be happy to listen.

        • Mark December 15, 2013 at 8:50 pm #

          I would say to just try and hang in there. It wont last forever and I know from experience that things do get a little easier. I was without contact for 70 days. It did get a little better. Just have to hang in there. It will get better for you. Some things take longer than others. I try to look at it like this. Its very dark where we are at right now but there is light and a ladder at the other side of the dark pit. We just have to make it over there

  37. Misha January 24, 2014 at 7:59 pm #

    I broke all the rule above.
    I was the one who broke up with him
    After 5,5 years realationship, i want to settle down, but he didnt.
    We are from different countires. I moved to his country to be by his side, to support him as he said his family was in hard time, his mom was sick.

    I had to deal with stress, different cultures, no friends, family, only him for 2,5 years. Worked my ass off, learn his language, try to understand his family.
    Then i realized i was not me anymore. I cried every night bcos of stress. He did not support my life. I worked and live by myself.
    He had no job, he wanted to be the business owner, he worked late everyday with his friends, his group of ppl who also no actual job, rich kids.
    I was so lonely, and no one to share with. The future was so unsure.
    I decided to move back to my country. So we broke up. I said that we shouldnt keep long distance relationship. It’s hard for us to move on. Cos we did that before and i end up flew over.
    After broke up 40 days, he got in new relationship with a young girl who play the same group. I started my craziness.
    I gave him everything i had, and with him it just so easy.
    I couldnt keep silent anymore, i wrote him 3 emails, explaining, begging, swearing… Called him (1 time only ) asking why he did this to me….blah blah blah…

    He wrote me ‘if i follow u to your country, everything will fall apart, I need to have responsibility with my new gf, i have my family, works, friends here… You were not happy being with my family, you didnt even want to go for dinner with them, you were moody, 3 days angels, 4 days bitch, I tried so hard to stay with you but you never satisfied. If you didnt leave me , it will not be like this. Everybody must move on….we can still be friends, you can talk to me anytime..’ That’s all i can remember til now.
    I died thousand times with it. There were so many things he couldnt see, how his family treated me, how i feel being an alien…But I am not sure should i wrote to him anymore…

    Currently, im at home, finding a new job, trying to contact some friends…NC rule again (2 weeks for now). Til wondering will i ever see him again? Will he contact me again? Did he really love me or not? or it just me who were so stupid?

    I’m so sad & lonely now…and hopeless, no job, no money, heartbroken, no friend. I hold on to my mom, and made her very sad too, seeing me like this…

    • Misha January 24, 2014 at 8:08 pm #

      Ah, no, sorry, i only broke rules #1,2,4. But it’s bad enough, isnt it?
      Wish that i read Eddie earlier…:(((

  38. fiona January 28, 2014 at 12:48 am #

    i really thot i was the only person doing all this crazy stuff, my fiance walked out on new yrs day while i was at work,, we had a small argument new yrs eve,he came home while i was in bed then next day he just left, and the 4wks since hav been car crash, ive txed , phoned went to his mums, where he is, am 44 hes 42 i hav been signed off work, couldnt eat sleep, function, so glad am not the only one who has acted like this. i had a really bad break up before and 3yrs later he came into my life, the
    only person who had managed to lift my heart after 1st break up, i was wary but, he was handsome charming, totally swept me away, should have realised a man who walks out on his wife on their 10th wedding anniversary cos hes not happy, then 6mths later has gets in a realshionship with a girl of 20, has 2 kids with her, breaks up there, her fault of course, then whilst back at his mums, other end of the country, gets someone else pregnant, she di it to trap him, then meets me! all in the space of 6yrs, but when we met it was just like this is it, within 2months he moved in, then he proposed, he was amazing, do anything for me, never been so happy and treated so well, then he got a new job in november head of a new store, and he jst changed, think he was getting alot of female attention, but by now i completely trusted and loved him and hed just booked a honeymoon for us for oct2014,. he was always in the loo with his phone but still never a clue of what was coming, he was tired, not himself then out of the blue he left,, i feel like so many others on here scared lonely, miss the person who took over my life then dropped me like that, then last night after my mental phase, which was supposed to be cos he needed time cos he thinks now we rushed and he needs space! he txts me to say he went out on friday, met a woman and had sex with her, i was nearly sick when i read it, it took cruel to a whole new level. i think he wanted me to know so i would now move on and he would be free from the new, nutty me which he has caused. ii know how hard a break up is, not sure if i will ever get over this,but thanks for all who have shared here, it does help to know your not totally alone x

  39. mahituna February 2, 2014 at 12:29 am #

    If you try real hard, very hard to do No Contact you will avoid these actions (mistakes). That is one of the biggest advantages of NC. You will thank yourself later that you did, that is a promise

  40. Autumn February 12, 2014 at 3:45 am #

    My first serious relationship!

    The most confusing thing about a relationship is when you are always both on different pages.. He tells you he has fallen for you in a text! You think it’s cute, but kinda scary,, Could weeks later you tell him the same thing and he get’s upset because, he thinks you told him that you loved him in a text message! We fought for a week!! I was in love with him but told him that I was just falling and that it would happen. It killed me.. There was no foundation, no trust, no nothing! We were falling apart! It was a long distance relationship.. We had a great time at Christmas told me I was his girl! Went to Mexico came back we went on a ski trip had fun.. I thought he was distancing himself.. On the way home we fought.. He told me we were going to be okay!!! I was not okay wanted to talk(: texted him told him that we needed to talk that I was not okay!! He texted back what’s wrong.. I told him I cared so much about him that I hurt!! He was like well I lost all feelings and am about to give up! I was like well I don’t think that’s love if you want to give up I am ready to give up too! He was like Yupp! I told him I did not think that was what he wanted and said well I’m not going to wait for you to decided if you want me, or not. Said Good bye and told him I loved him… He said good to know and said Goodbye! He let me gooo!!! I reached out to him realizing that I hurt himm thinking that maybe we could make it work that we were just fighting. He keep telling me to give him space and time.. Yet, i keep pushing I wanted answers when did he lose feelings/why would he consider dating me again etc… I really thought that I would marry this guy! I don’t believe in dating just to date if you date you date because, there is potential to marry.. If you care about someone you make it work!! According to him No, your selfish and you take care of yourself.. I made mistakes 1-4! Panic, reassuring love, friends, and contact I tried it all! I regret a lot of it!! He was a great guy! But does a great guy tell someone they care about that they lost feelings and are about to give up on you!?!

  41. Jesus February 28, 2014 at 9:01 pm #

    I made mistakes 1-5. I wish I would have kept no contact from the beginning which was around August and here I am again feeling somewhat like I did back then.

  42. Rachael April 6, 2014 at 7:08 pm #

    I need help and opinions here.

    I was dating a guy for eight months. In January we got into a fight and decided that we need to date other people. Well after two weeks I realized I missed him and called him and of course response. So I waited a week and text. And still no answer. Then again wanted another week again and text and ask silly question that really didn’t have anything to with us. He would give me an answer but nothing else. I continue to do this til March after he told he had a new girlfriend since February and has moved in with her and he is happy.

    When he told me that I didn’t respond back to that at all. So two weeks after that I was out shopping and looked like total crap, guess what. He was standing almost in front of me staring at me non stop. It almost made me feel uncomfortable. But I looked up and over at him didn’t smile or anything and went back looking at something and he was still standing there on the corner when his new gf was on the other side of the aisle looking at something. I walked pass him and he want to say something to me but I kept on walking. I acted like I didnt know him at all.

    Did I ruin my chances of him coming back? Needless to say I looked like crap. Then I seen them two walking away together in the opposite directions and he turn around to see if I was there. And course I was looking back. It seemed like he had the look on his face. Like he was sad or like he tried and moved on. Thoughts here people. I’m thinking he just might miss me but maybe again maybe he is truly done and finished with me. I don’t want to get hopes up.

  43. Mariana April 28, 2014 at 10:28 pm #

    I’ve broken up with my boyfriend for almost 3 months.

    I really liked his mother, and I felt it would be rude not to thank her for everything. I was on her home every weekend! So I sent her a short thank you letter (no, she doesn’t do emails). I only thanked her for everything, and said that I like her very much, even though It did not work out with her son.However, I wonder if this will be misinterpreted. I do not want him back! I am not using her to get to him!

    Should I consider this a mistake?

    • Colette April 29, 2014 at 7:23 pm #

      no it was not a mistake . Don’t think about it too much . Now it is time for you to move on, forget about him, and his mother. cheers!

  44. Lena May 16, 2014 at 9:37 am #

    My ex and I broke up 5 days ago. We were together for over a year and a half. Last week i was snooping and found out he was texting some girl. He said he doesn’t know why he was doing it and that he doesn’t have any feelings for her. I tried to keep myself together for i while, and then i saw our photo on his desk and started crying. I left his house saying i want to be alone, he thought we broke up but called me the next day to meet in couple of days. I was hurting real bad but was thinking about forgiving him, but when we met he no longer wanted my forgivness. He said that we could never trust each other again and that he’s confused about his feelings and even though he doesn’t know why he texted her, obviously something’s wrong. I accepted and we hugged and kissed. He told me to meet him to talk in a week and told me i could contact him anytime i want, but i didn’t. He didn’t try to contact me, as well. I trully want him back because i never felt this kind of love, but i never said to him how much i really cared because i was afraid to deal with that kind of emotions. I’ve been hurt in past and ever since i have communication issues and the that was the biggest problem in our relationship and i know it’s my fault and i was always taking it for granted and he was the one who did all the work.
    How should i act when i meet him? should i fight for him and how?

  45. Colette May 25, 2014 at 8:50 pm #

    Lena:

    Give your bf some space. when you meet him , tell him how you feel and tell him that you want to be with him etc. If he wants you back then good for you , If he still has doubts about this relationship then leave him alone. Start NC.
    Don’t push him to be with you . It wont work. Express your feeling once , if he really loves you he won`t let you go.

  46. Ella June 2, 2014 at 10:53 am #

    I was in a long distance relationship with a guy for 9 months and he relocated to my country. We started fighting a lot towards the end of the relationship so we eventually broke up within 2 months of his relocation. As for who initiated the break, I’m not sure. He told me he didn’t love me anymore so after having a think for a few days, I said “okay I respect your wishes and break up then”. I thought he’d be happy with my answer but he instead asked what led to my decision. He was also very upset about a letter I wrote him about how he had been disrespectful and how I don’t see the point in being with someone who doesn’t love me.

    We promised to stay friends though because I know he doesn’t have anyone here. I have tried meeting him twice after the breakup but he seemed rather angry and unstable. I then decided to go NC so that I could emotionally heal and to give him some space as well. I started doing pretty good, enjoying myself and getting my life back. I didn’t remove him on social media because his updates do not really affect me, and he hasn’t contacted me either so I assumed he had moved on. I was planning to try reaching out to him again after a month or something as friends, and to settle some transferring of accounts because we used to live together.

    I’m still on Day 21 of NC and last night, I posted something about travelling this week and how I was excited. This morning, I woke up and found that he had disconnected from me on Twitter and Instagram. I’m blocked from all his chats as well, except Facebook chat. He also blocked all his Facebook posts from me but did not unfriend me. A few weeks ago, I commented on a mutual friend’s wall post and within the evening, he removed her as a friend as well.

    I’m not sure how to proceed from here, as I haven’t spoken to him for a few weeks or bothered him. I would like to maintain a friendship and settle the household stuff. What is he thinking, and what should I do?

  47. MaybeTomorrow June 27, 2014 at 12:03 pm #

    As I mentioned in another thread, I’m not totally buying into the no contact rule. Quite frankly, and no offense to Eddie or anyone, but I think it demonstrates immaturity and weak character. Maybe I live with high standards, but unless your ex has done something clearly egregious such as cheating, stealing, etc., why chose to void out a previously very important person completely? In my latest experience, I was dumped without any warning. So as surprised as I was, I could still agree with him on some accounts. But that didn’t mean I had I’ll feelings toward him, not enuf to blank him out! I’m more sad about losing a friend than a partner. I also loved his dog, so that really sux to have NC with her. ;(

    We had been able to remain friends for a few months after the break up. He had a tendency to change plans last minute and that began to bug me. It was very disrespectful. I called him on it once, and that sparked a fight over the phone. Enuf to be the last time we spoke. I was sad to realize that his level of e,optional maturity was much lower than I thought I had witnessed. Suddenly he was childish where he had been a glowing example of a compassionate adult in the past. It’s as if he possessed or at least committed to putting up a front and believing whatever he told himself about our chance of success being nil.

    It took me months to get up the nerve to ask for some of my stuff back. At the time, I thought we really wouldn’t be out of touch forever, but it began looking that way. For the record, I do have friendships with other exes, not ALL, but many. Enuf for me to be grateful for our mutual decisions to keep in touch and care for each others lives. Some are married w children, others live locally and I’m cordial or even friends w thei gfs or wives. I don’t pose a threat, I’ve never been one to seek men in other relationships. I digress…

    So I texted, and after no response for a day or two, emailed to ask for my stuff back. It was a simple, “Hey, I’ve been changing things around the house and I was wondering if I could have my rug back,etc… You can drop it off or I can pick it up. Hope all is well.” I honestly thought he wouldn’t want me to come around, so I was surprised when he offered to leave it out for me. I brought a friend (actually an ex’s wife) w me so to diffuse any weirdness should he happen to be home. I was told that would help him believe I wasn’t trolling for his attention if I had a friend w me. Luckily, he wasn’t there. But his dog was and seeing HER broke my heart!

    Because I believed that it was likely I’d never see him again, and there might not be a reason to be around each other, I had resolved to leave a card. It wild be a spiritual cleansing, if you will. I had been, still am, in pain daily over this loss, but part of what relieves that he’ll for me is to communicate where I believe others get me wrong.

    I picked a simple card with a cartoon dog that happened to look a lot like his. Two images on the front where of a bored dog with “Before” and the dog jumping w glee, “After.” Inside was one word, “Thanks!”
    I wrote a few sentences inside the left panel, it was the day Maya Angelou passed, and her quote was hot in my head so I wrote that I wanted to share it because it reminded me of him, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” I spent a few sentences telling m how I felt when I was with him(good). Then a few about how I can only assume that this NC I was getting from him meant that I conjured up I’ll feelings. I apologized is that was true and wished him well. On the opposite side, under the “Thanks” I wrote a list of things I really was grateful for, ranging from “…finding & pursuing me,…believing in me,…holding my hand, to …opening yourself to me,…being my friend,…reading this, and finally …feeling good to see me in the future”.

    I may have broken some “rule,” but from that day forward, I’ve never felt better, more complete with the knowledge that I communicated what I wanted him to know. He can take it or leave it, burn it or cry in remorse, but I know I was the bigger kid that day and I left him with those sentiments. I don’t want him back because he has showed his true colors and they are not what he gave for all the time up until the breakup. He has his demons and they lashed out at me, us. The damage is done. Yes, I’m grieving a loss, a death, a heartbreak that neednt have been so harsh, but taking back what was mine and leaving the piece of me (and Maya) in my wake gave me strength and pride that I can still show love and appreciation, even for something so ruthlessly disregarded.

    I have never regretted my post-relationship friendships that I’ve cultivated with some exes. If anything, they have given me resource to believe that there so much more to human connection rather than romantic love. I’d be a fool to turn those friends away. I hope you all can consider this when you doubt your strength and self-love and respect if you choose to “contact” an ex. There’s no guarantee that they will reciprocate, but the ones that count as good people for your life, will.

    Good luck to all.

    • Stacey June 28, 2014 at 4:19 pm #

      Maybe Tomorrow,

      I agree and then disagree. NC is helpful because it is very hard to get over someone I made that mistake after my ex and then going and seeing him two months later and my feelings rushed back and I thought his but we never did get back together, think he just strung me along as a back up. Long story short he is married and it is almost two years, yes I think of him often because we did share a strong love that was dysfunctional because he was a narcissist, but he made me feel alive and good the first time in almost 18 years. So I do not regret the time I had with him but I cannot remain in contact because it would hurt too much, and I am sure his wife would not like it she is not fond of me, she knew I was the one before her so instant jealousy and from what I gather he had spoke highly of me. I still would like to send a card one day like you had to maybe just finally have that feeling of complete closure so that I can stop looking back, but then I stop myself because it will only probably bring trouble my way and open that wound again. I am sure one day we will cross paths but until then I will keep my memories in the past.

  48. Kimberly Salinas June 28, 2014 at 9:31 pm #

    Well, we started as friends. We used to walk and talk about ourselves. It was to the point that we waited for each others messages. Then we grew as bestfriends. We told each other everything. We trusted each other. Nothing can hurt us if we had each other. During the process, we loved each other. We fell in love. We were so crazy about each other that is was ridiculous. When we were dating, he met my family and i met his. He met my closest friends and i met his. We did everything because we were so comforted by each other that no one elses opinion mattered. Yes, jealousy was involved. Promises were broken. Suicidal moments occured. But the hard part was a lie that I made. I made up a lie that was a cause of our fight and arguemnts. I always cried because that lie never happened. I always regretted that lie and I always wanted to tell him the truth but I knew that after I told him, he will never fall in love with me again. And it was true. First he broke up with me because he wanted to love himself first before he can love me fully or maintain me in the future. But since I told him the truth, he doesnt want to do a single thing with me. Its understandable. Ive hurt the person I loved with most. The person who trusted me this entire time. The person who believed everything I said. Did everything in his strength to keep me comforted. But I ruined everything with a lie. No i didnt cheat. I would never. It was a lie that if I told others what I did they would surely hate me too. But it is something I cant change. It is something I want to take back but unfortunately I cant. I desperately txted him back, to give me another chance. Of course I dont deserve it at all. I dont deserve his comforts or his love or his care. I dont deserve another chance for him to look at me in a romantic way. I destroyed him. Into a million pieces. I told him that if somehow I managed to earn his trust once again and all he said was “It’ll take his course”. I dont really know quite what that means but I am willing to try to earn his trust back. He is my world. My everything. My sunshine. This may sound crazy but it is true. Honestly, I dont deserve his affections or stress or emotions at all. But I am willing to change from this experience. I will try not to lie anymore to test people if they care. I should trust them completely and maybe it would hurt less than it does right now. Yes , I want a relationship with him but I rather have it after I earn his trust. I will not be happy with myself if I dont succeed. I will try to earn his trust again. If i dont succeed and he falls in love with another..well it will hurt but I have to accept it. I can just tell myself ” Atleast I tried. I may be the one who hurt him, but At least I tried to make things right” and accept his happiness. I want him to be happy but I also want him to look at me and say that I was the best friend he wished for and that I tried to gain is back. This is very selfish of me but this is what I wish for. I am an upcoming senior. I may have classes with him too. And Ill use that oppurtunity to show him that I can do it. I will try to earn his trust. I am not seeing this as a game if some of you are thinking of that but i see this as another chance of earning his respect , his loyalty, and his trust. I want earn all that back. Maybe he might look at me in a romantic way again, who knows. I hope so but I can just assume that everything will resolve. I just want to try and see where that leads me. At least I know my mistakes. Maybe I realized it too late but At least I am doing something about it now. I dont expect a medal. I dont expect an award. He is not a prize. He is a person who can feel too. Who he can be hurt too. He is human. And he is a human that I want to earn his trust from. He is my thriving motivation. This sounds crazy, yes I know but this is what I feel. He is beautiful. Inside and out. I will do anything to be in his side once again. I dont deserve it but I will try and continue forward.

  49. Anire August 24, 2014 at 3:46 am #

    I made the mistake of keeping contact and trying to be friends and even going as far as meeting up with the person which was a very VERY big mistake because you will end up fooling around. It happened recently but I regret it even now. I just feel so annoyed and humiliated. Why didn’t I just ignore him.

  50. Jenn24 September 12, 2014 at 10:16 am #

    I made three in the list nos. 2,3 and 4. He was my first boyfriend. We were together for almost 5 years then the relationship went downhill. He broke up with me and I thought I will be ok with it. Then things were confusing to me. I thought he still loved me. I wrote himan email saying to him that I will always love him, etc., I told him he will be my bestfriend and maintained contact with him. He rarely contacted me after a few months. And he moved on and had a new gf. I was depressed and alone. Thank God, there are people who will be there to make us through the hard times. Now, I am over him. I don’t speak to him. I erased his number. I still think of him at times but unlike before I just thought of him as a stranger getting on my mind.
    Heartbreaks suck! But I learned a lot from the experience.

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