Months, or even years after a relationship break up, we will fully realize the fatal mistakes we made right after it happened.
Especially the panic controlled actions that made us appear as a different person – often we don’t recognize ourselves anymore.
It can bring out the worst in us.
It usually happens that we hate ourselves later for the things we’ve done.
This is understandable, but the wrong thing to do.
Not only does it damage our self-esteem, which is urgently needed for the recovery, (what’s left of it), but it also destroys the new concept of self-love we are trying to build up.
Avoid these feelings by telling yourself that the past is the past, and concentrate on the NOW.
There is a famous quote where it says that one should learn from the mistakes OTHERS make and thereby avoid them.
On the other hand:
“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.”
—John PowellStill thinking about your Ex? Click here to take the test to learn how long it takes to heal... and how you can speed up the process.
I believe that there are two kinds of mistakes: the kind that you can learn and evolve from, and the kind that should be avoided.
When it comes to post relationship break up mistakes, there are some which better be avoided.
The following fall into that category.
Here are the main mistakes most people make right AFTER a relationship break up:
Mistake #1: Panic Controlled Actions
Confronted by what we think is the worst that can happen to us, we do anything to fight it off: we plead, we beg, cry in front of our Exes, harass, stalk, write e-mails, IMs, etc.
All these things will make you cringe when you later think about it.
I think that almost every “Dumpee” makes these mistakes – I don’t believe that they are completely avoidable. These are desperate actions by our “animal” part of the brain, fighting for survival.
The sad thing is that they are completely useless. I’ve never heard that a “Dumper” came back after the “Dumpee” wrote them a gazillion e-mails begging to have mercy.
If you’ve made these mistakes, don’t beat yourself up over them.  If you’re about to commit them, try to resist.
Mistake #2: Reassuring Love
We are committed to thinking that if they only KNEW how much we loved them, they would come back immediately, so we keep telling them – over and over again.
The only problem is, they KNOW. They’re breaking up anyway.
Breakups rarely happen because the “Dumper” thinks that they are not being loved. Constant reassurance only leads to humiliation.
Mistake #3: Hoping To Stay Friends
This is a very common mistake that is often made by those having little experience with relationship break ups.
I know that your Ex was your best friend, your intimate partner, the closest person to you. But it is impossible to maintain this kind of relationship AFTER the breakup. Everything has changed – nothing is as it was before.
You can’t count on your Ex any longer because they will harm you more than they would help.
The good news is, you CAN find another support system: Look for old friends who used to be close. Your family should also be of great help.
Use every connection you have for support – you need it.
Mistake #3 leads us directly to the next one.
Mistake #4: Maintaining Contact
The no-contact rule is the number one precondition IF you want to get over your relationship break up fast.Look at it like a drug addict: you can’t get clean with YOUR drug right in front of you.
I talk about this is more detail here.
Mistake #5: Use Your Exes Friends And Family
Out of the ambition to make sense out of all of it, we use their friends or their family. We interview, manipulate and try to use them for our purposes.
Besides the fact that they rarely know anything about the deeper reasons, it is inappropriate to involve a third person in your breakup.
This is something that’s between you and your Ex.
If you do this, you will regret it later.
Mistake #6: Rebound Relationships
Many people leapfrog into a new affair right after their relationship breaks up.
I do not recommend that.
It may appear that this is the best thing to do in order to get over your Ex but, believe me, the opposite is the case.
You will always be comparing to your Ex, everything will remind you of them, and you will be frustrated because NOBODY is as good as your Ex. Â (This is an illusion of course).
It will throw you back, and it will mask your pain, hiding you from the issues your breakup needs to resolve. Don’t deny yourself the opportunity to work these things out.
If you do, you have to face that problem again and again, from relationship to relationship.
For many people, healing will not start until they are alone with themselves, confronting their inner demons.
These are the main mistakes most people make right AFTER their relationship breaks up.
Please don’t beat yourself up if you’ve already made some of them.
Even if they should be avoided, some of these mistakes are part of the healing and learning process.
So even IF you will look back month/years later and regret a few things you’ve done, they might have been necessary to get you to the point you are today.
Now it’s your turn, tell me, which one if these mistakes have you made?
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
I made mistakes 1-5. I wish I would have kept no contact from the beginning which was around August and here I am again feeling somewhat like I did back then.
My first serious relationship!
The most confusing thing about a relationship is when you are always both on different pages.. He tells you he has fallen for you in a text! You think it’s cute, but kinda scary,, Could weeks later you tell him the same thing and he get’s upset because, he thinks you told him that you loved him in a text message! We fought for a week!! I was in love with him but told him that I was just falling and that it would happen. It killed me.. There was no foundation, no trust, no nothing! We were falling apart! It was a long distance relationship.. We had a great time at Christmas told me I was his girl! Went to Mexico came back we went on a ski trip had fun.. I thought he was distancing himself.. On the way home we fought.. He told me we were going to be okay!!! I was not okay wanted to talk(: texted him told him that we needed to talk that I was not okay!! He texted back what’s wrong.. I told him I cared so much about him that I hurt!! He was like well I lost all feelings and am about to give up! I was like well I don’t think that’s love if you want to give up I am ready to give up too! He was like Yupp! I told him I did not think that was what he wanted and said well I’m not going to wait for you to decided if you want me, or not. Said Good bye and told him I loved him… He said good to know and said Goodbye! He let me gooo!!! I reached out to him realizing that I hurt himm thinking that maybe we could make it work that we were just fighting. He keep telling me to give him space and time.. Yet, i keep pushing I wanted answers when did he lose feelings/why would he consider dating me again etc… I really thought that I would marry this guy! I don’t believe in dating just to date if you date you date because, there is potential to marry.. If you care about someone you make it work!! According to him No, your selfish and you take care of yourself.. I made mistakes 1-4! Panic, reassuring love, friends, and contact I tried it all! I regret a lot of it!! He was a great guy! But does a great guy tell someone they care about that they lost feelings and are about to give up on you!?!
If you try real hard, very hard to do No Contact you will avoid these actions (mistakes). That is one of the biggest advantages of NC. You will thank yourself later that you did, that is a promise
i really thot i was the only person doing all this crazy stuff, my fiance walked out on new yrs day while i was at work,, we had a small argument new yrs eve,he came home while i was in bed then next day he just left, and the 4wks since hav been car crash, ive txed , phoned went to his mums, where he is, am 44 hes 42 i hav been signed off work, couldnt eat sleep, function, so glad am not the only one who has acted like this. i had a really bad break up before and 3yrs later he came into my life, the
only person who had managed to lift my heart after 1st break up, i was wary but, he was handsome charming, totally swept me away, should have realised a man who walks out on his wife on their 10th wedding anniversary cos hes not happy, then 6mths later has gets in a realshionship with a girl of 20, has 2 kids with her, breaks up there, her fault of course, then whilst back at his mums, other end of the country, gets someone else pregnant, she di it to trap him, then meets me! all in the space of 6yrs, but when we met it was just like this is it, within 2months he moved in, then he proposed, he was amazing, do anything for me, never been so happy and treated so well, then he got a new job in november head of a new store, and he jst changed, think he was getting alot of female attention, but by now i completely trusted and loved him and hed just booked a honeymoon for us for oct2014,. he was always in the loo with his phone but still never a clue of what was coming, he was tired, not himself then out of the blue he left,, i feel like so many others on here scared lonely, miss the person who took over my life then dropped me like that, then last night after my mental phase, which was supposed to be cos he needed time cos he thinks now we rushed and he needs space! he txts me to say he went out on friday, met a woman and had sex with her, i was nearly sick when i read it, it took cruel to a whole new level. i think he wanted me to know so i would now move on and he would be free from the new, nutty me which he has caused. ii know how hard a break up is, not sure if i will ever get over this,but thanks for all who have shared here, it does help to know your not totally alone x
I broke all the rule above.
I was the one who broke up with him
After 5,5 years realationship, i want to settle down, but he didnt.
We are from different countires. I moved to his country to be by his side, to support him as he said his family was in hard time, his mom was sick.
I had to deal with stress, different cultures, no friends, family, only him for 2,5 years. Worked my ass off, learn his language, try to understand his family.
Then i realized i was not me anymore. I cried every night bcos of stress. He did not support my life. I worked and live by myself.
He had no job, he wanted to be the business owner, he worked late everyday with his friends, his group of ppl who also no actual job, rich kids.
I was so lonely, and no one to share with. The future was so unsure.
I decided to move back to my country. So we broke up. I said that we shouldnt keep long distance relationship. It’s hard for us to move on. Cos we did that before and i end up flew over.
After broke up 40 days, he got in new relationship with a young girl who play the same group. I started my craziness.
I gave him everything i had, and with him it just so easy.
I couldnt keep silent anymore, i wrote him 3 emails, explaining, begging, swearing… Called him (1 time only ) asking why he did this to me….blah blah blah…
He wrote me ‘if i follow u to your country, everything will fall apart, I need to have responsibility with my new gf, i have my family, works, friends here… You were not happy being with my family, you didnt even want to go for dinner with them, you were moody, 3 days angels, 4 days bitch, I tried so hard to stay with you but you never satisfied. If you didnt leave me , it will not be like this. Everybody must move on….we can still be friends, you can talk to me anytime..’ That’s all i can remember til now.
I died thousand times with it. There were so many things he couldnt see, how his family treated me, how i feel being an alien…But I am not sure should i wrote to him anymore…
Currently, im at home, finding a new job, trying to contact some friends…NC rule again (2 weeks for now). Til wondering will i ever see him again? Will he contact me again? Did he really love me or not? or it just me who were so stupid?
I’m so sad & lonely now…and hopeless, no job, no money, heartbroken, no friend. I hold on to my mom, and made her very sad too, seeing me like this…
Ah, no, sorry, i only broke rules #1,2,4. But it’s bad enough, isnt it?
Wish that i read Eddie earlier…:(((
My ex and I broke up two weeks ago. I already went through the depression phase, I barely ate, I took too much medicine to keep sleeping because awake I’d only miss him, I begged several times for him to come back, he went to my house and I called him because I was so bad that got sick and he was helping me but said that he didn’t want to get back together so i’d start crying and he’d hug me trying to calm me down but it only made it all worse. Then he asked me to stop calling him. I nailed it for five days then it was weekend and i started begging all over again. Yesterday I did it again and he didnt even answered with ‘stop’ like he used to, he just… ugh. I’m trying to accept that’s over but I just can’t. He means too much to me and just for writting this I’m about to cry.
I’m eating normal again but sleeping shitty because I’m always dreaming with him and then I wake up to remember he’s not with me anymore so I go back to crying until I fall sleep again. I can’t concentrate at work, I don’t want to go out, I just want to lay down and not think of him, it’s too recent and I’m not dealing well. We broke up too many times but always got back together. I don’t know what to do anymore.
I’m on my 1st day of NC.
Hi. I would like to talk with you later. I am going through the same thing and would like to talk. Maybe we could help each other. Mine is 2 weeks old also and I tried to get her back yesterday and it didn’t go so well. Their are other complex issues such as bipolar and borderline and I was with her 10 years. It really hurts bad and I want it all to just go away.
Hi, Mark! I tried to get him back for 2 weeks and it went horrible. I’m on my 5th day of NC but I miss him as much as I did when I was begging him to come back. The pain doesn’t seem to get any easier.
10 years is such a long time, I can imagine how bad it hurts.
Yeah. Its rough. She has complex issues as well so I never know whats going on. When I tried to get her back it was like talking to a wall. No emotion. Nothing. We have split like this maybe 8 times for the last ten years. The whole time I was talking to her that little voice was telling me to be done with this. You don’t want her back. Pain and anxiety will make us all do things that maybe we shouldn’t be doing. I just want to let it go. It just hurts so much and then the banging that goes on in my head replaying scenarios over and over, blaming myself, all the negativity. I was broke up with her from May to August. Follwed the 60 day no contact and everything was getting a little better. Then Bamm she calls and tells me she misses me and starts crying and I went back. Knew it would end up this way. Hoped it wouldn’t. Just like if we got back together yesterday. It would all be the same. But Im ranting. If you want to vent ever just send me an email. I would be happy to listen.
I would say to just try and hang in there. It wont last forever and I know from experience that things do get a little easier. I was without contact for 70 days. It did get a little better. Just have to hang in there. It will get better for you. Some things take longer than others. I try to look at it like this. Its very dark where we are at right now but there is light and a ladder at the other side of the dark pit. We just have to make it over there
I had an unusual situation. I was with my boyfriend for awhile, we are both young, but our relationship was always strange. For one thing, prior to us getting together I had been sort of “seeing” one of his close friends (ironically this was what kind of intergrated us) and had also been chatting with his younger brother. I was going through a “boy crazy” stage and began coming on to him with no real intentions. We hooked up and from that foward feelings ignited. I denied these feelings for a very long time to myself and him, and our relationship had a weird strain on it because of my nautral hostility and inability to settle to one man. I was very uncertain and feared getting hurt, but with time I realized I loved him very much regardless of my flighty feelings. He went away to Jamaica for a month and we became very distant. He was always the one who initiated contact in our relationship so I mainly just sat around waiting to hear from him. He did contact me but the distance still left me feeling lonley and bitter. I hooked up with two other guys while he was gone, mostly because in a phone call he expressed his desire to stay in JA. I knew he loved it there (he lived there most his life) and the selfless part of me wanted him to be happy, but it made my role in his life feel very insignifcant. When he came back I expected things to go right back to how it was but it was oppisite. He did not contact me whatsoever and I found myself spending a whole week in tears. I demanded to speak to him and while he was very calm and polite about it all, I could tell something was not right. When we got together to talk I basically did all the talking and all but broke up with myself, crying hysterically in front of a guy I’d played cool with for so long and loosing all my dignity. I was destroyed and hurt, and in a way blindsided because I had always thought he was fonder of me than I was of him. He texted me hours after this awful breakup to ask how I was doing, how he never wanted to see me hurt like that, and how he still wanted to be “best friends”. I knew no contact should have been my initial thought, but because we had so many mutual friends and bumped into each other daily I decided to keep my cool and shove my sadness aside. The following days he often trailed behind me talking to me like nothing had happened, texting me. Part of me was holding onto this so greatly and the other part knew it was dangerous. In any other case staying friends would have been the worst route but I think part of me knew it wasn’t the end.
He began putting much effort into complimenting me, saying things to make me feel special. I could tell he wanted me back and it made me feel nice. Less than 2 weeks after he crushed my feelings we got back together and now 3 months later still we are dating. I love him a lot and I am quite confident he loves me the same as he expresses it in various ways, and I’m certain our relationship is stronger than it was before. It’s almost like we needed that to get back to our full potential as a couple. However I am now so hesitant and fearful of that happening again. I realize now I have to be cautious because he CAN break my heart again and make it permanant this time. It is really hard for me to just enjoy the feelings I have around him b/c all I think about is how I will handle the break up next time around ….
I found this site about a week ago when I was looking for tips to get over being dumped. I was dumped about two months ago for someone younger who can still have children and probably will because she’s madly inlove with my ex. She had been after him for quite sometime and now she has him. My ex and I live together and we were having sex until about two weeks ago. I realized that it was over and that he would never love me again. Of course I made just about all the mistakes. I begged him and I even went temporarily insane where I actually wanted to cause this woman physical harm. Those crazy thoughts are gone now, but I still feel empty inside. I will be moving out before the end of the month and I have already asked my ex not to contact me. He then asked me, what if I need to talk to someone? I told him that he would then need to call a friend or family member, but that I would not be returning his calls or texts. He agreed. Since we still live together, I have to deal with him not coming home at least three times a week. I try not to let it bother me and I avoid picturing them together.
I can’t believe that this man who was madly inlove with me and pursued me so much has left me for some ghetto woman who isn’t all that attractive. after 2 1/2 years with me and one day he just decides that he can dispose of me. I love this man so much and I love being intimate with him. How can I ever feel the same way about anyone? He is beautiful to me and he made me fall inlove with him with his kindness and love.
Thank you for this website, it’s been a Godsend! I can be on here for hours just reading and it is truly helping me.
I just came on this site accidentally. And really thank you to Eddie. This really greatly helped me. My bf for 15 months broke up with me 3 weeks ago now. I am just starting the NC tomorrow. Some post here i read that relationships are 3 to 6 years. I am thinking, mine is not so much so i guess and hoping that it would be easier. I wish you all the best and i am sure soon we are all gonna be okay…
Oh, have I made these mistakes, and more. I agree with Eddie’s point that these actions aren’t often avoidable, and I believe they are part of the “process”. My behavior in the ensuing days, weeks, months after my husband informed me he wanted a “time and space”, was out-of-body, crazy, “psycho”, erratic, out-of-control. He should have told me straight up he wanted a divorce; I figured his wanting “time and space” was temporary and we would definitely work things out, but it was his pretense for us living separately and a prelude to divorce.
Even when I moved out I had hope. How crazy is that? He was relieved I was out the door, and I’m sure he was anxious and eager to start dating. I texted and emailed him relentlessly. I stalked his house, peered in the windows, broke into his email and Facebook. My emails and texts went from me being sweet and positive, to nasty and vindictive, and back and forth. I sent texts to his new girlfriend. I look back on it, and I am mortified. Just sick thinking of my behavior. I was hurting and feeling rejected and I felt powerless, I wanted to hang onto him, and I don’t know why. Of course as the dumper he immediately wanted to be friends, so we hung out as friends to watch movies, go for walks. I was giddy with excitement that he wanted to hang out with me; this meant he wanted to work on our marriage. Instead he just wanted to numb the blow for me by being my “friend”. Please, please, please do not fall into this like I did. I have enough space between then and now to see how the process works. It does prolong the healing. If I had started NC immediately, I would be way ahead where I am now. I have not had contact with my soon-to-be-ex-husband in about a month. Yes, a very short time, but I can tell you I am slowly starting to feel better about myself.
The rejection just guts you. You feel so unattractive, not smart enough, think that nobody will ever love you again. Hanging on to somebody who rejected you is not worth the price. They are done/gone, and have been for a long time before they dumped you. It has taken me six months to understand this, in a large part thanks to Eddie’s honest advice. I found out my ex had an internet relationship while we were married; he told me that she gave him the courage to finally leave me. They didn’t get together, but my ex dated up a storm, and now has been seeing someone for a few weeks whom he claims is his “soulmate”…whatever.
No-contact will be tough to swallow, but listen to Eddie, and from what I went through, I wish I had had the strength to let go immediately after I was dumped and cease ALL contact. This is so important everyone. I cannot stress this enough. Hanging on IS NOT WORTH THE PRICE. Your ex is NOT coming back.
I’ve been with my fiance for so long that I really don’t know what to do anymore with my life anymore. He just came one day and told me he doesn’t want me anymore because I talk to other people, and that reason is pretty stupid, cause he knows too well that I like to help people and he said that was a mistake .. Of course I cried, begged, asked for him to come back and he accepted .. then, a few days after, he told me he loved me, then told me he can’t be with me anymore, and then left… I resisted a few days until I told him again to think really well, beucase he means everything to me .. then, he just told me I’m stupid and that I’m going to die stupid cause he already moved on and I should do the same..he asked me to leave him alone forever and not even to say anything ..Please help .. I’m desperate..
Bianca
Our ex’s make excuses to justify their leaving us. Of course you are not stupid. We love them so unconditionally and fail to see when they are no good for us. You say fiancé. Aren’t you glad you weren’t married yet? My husband left me after 10 years devastating the entire family. Since that time about 2 months ago. I’ve begged and pleaded as you did and then one day I had to stop and look at myself.
It made me realize how little I loved myself to allow one person to control me and create havoc in my life. I am still broken and in pieces but I get a little stronger every day. Our ex’s made the decision to walk away that really has very little to do with us. How selfish of them.
It’s hard to put things into perspective when we are in so much pain but once you do you might realize he did you a favor. I’m beginning to feel that way myself. Hang in there and be strong. Take this time to figure out what YOU want.
Sue I think that we have to look at it as a favor to us. They apparently didn’t love or care for us as much as we cared for them. I made the mistake of contacting my ex just last week because I heard he was sick needed surgery, open old wounds and feelings after a year but I had to let him know I cared I wouldn’t want him to die without knowing. Stopped contact again because I know there will never be a future for us even though he said he still loved me and misses me, think he was just fighting with his current gf and needed someone to make him feel good. I stopped contact after his texts were becoming short and vague. So I did my part I said my peace in case for any reason he does not make it .
Sue, thank you really much for your response and Eddie, you have no idea how happy I am I actually found you and all these great people. I’m so sad to read that so many people are actually in pain because they did nothing wrong, just loved so much .. Sometimes life is really not fair, but we must go on until we find a person who’s going to love and appreciate us for real. I really wish we all could recover easily and move on, forgetting about that person who does not have at all good intentions 🙂 I actually understood that i WON’T need my ex anymore, because of too much pain he put me through, wish you all could realize that the best way is to stay away from everything reminds you of him/her and finally let go. Stay strong people, thank you again Eddie for everything you do for us!!!
Hi Sue, Bianca, and Stacey,
You are all right. Our ex did us a favor of leaving and replacing us so that we would stop hoping that they will come back again. We are beautiful and loving women who do not deserve to be treated by our stupid exes. Please hang on, the pain will pass, the memories will fade, and we will never love our exes again, ever. We just have to follow Eddie’s teachings so that we could completely get heal and move on. We can do it! God bless all of us! 🙂
I would like you to edit #4. I have just undergone a horrific break up, only I didn’t know it was happening! My boyfriend (who is disabled) and I had a horrific fight on Saturday over the phone, and he fell down and I told him to hang up and phone his parents for help or 911. I phoned him 15 minutes later and also his parents, but there was no response. I phoned and emailed a few times on Sunday but still no response. Thinking he might be in a hospital or lying dead somewhere, I tried calling and emailing his parents. Still no response. Here I was all worried about him, not being able to sleep or eat; it was dreadful! Then I received an automated email that someone had changed the password on one of my accounts that we shared. I had a thought and called from a different phone. By magic, they answered. So, it was obvious we were broken up. The No Contact Rule should only be followed after it has been made very clear that you are broken up. Doing so beforehand is just cruel.
I’m am sorry to hear that.
Of course, going no contact BEFORE you have even broken up is cruel. #4 is meant for the “Dumpee” when it is clear that the break-up happened and I recommend in most cases sending an NC letter out beforehand.
I understand the feelings of obsession, like a drug you cant get enough of. It has been almost a year for me and he still pops in my head daily. I do wish that I could get him out, I have had no contact with him since February. He would always initiate the contact I never understood it. Now a few times I texted him and emailed him and no response so I just leave it alone. I know I am better off without him, but the loniless gets to me and talking to guys on dating websites is getting so old, just wish I could find someone who will fill that void and connection.
Abadi you should just try to move, the sooner you do the better you will feel. I know its hard but it will be for the best trust me.
The sooner you can feel happy and ok when your alone and not lonely, the sooner you will be able to make space in your life for someone to contribute to your life instead of make it.
I do feel good most of the time, maybe that day I was having a bad dayrecently lost a friendship with a good friend as well so that is hard and maybe brought the feelings up. The ironic thing is I just found my ex is deathly ill, so I did contact him to wish him well and let him know of course I do care. I did it for him but also myself because I am a person with a huge heart and no matter what we spent almost a year of our time together and that will never disappear. And I would feel awful if he passed away and I did not get to let him know how I feel.
I can’t stop thinking about my ex and if it was a mistake that we are no longer together. My ex and I come from different countries. She lives in Geneva and I live in Jeddah. We met in Geneva and a long distance relationship started. And every time I visit I spend most of my time with her. We loved each other a lot. First time we broke up was because she thought I didn’t text her enough and we didn’t talk for months. Once I went back to Geneva we got back together. We talked about marriage and kids and moving with me to Jeddah once we are married. Then 4 months ago the texts become less. Then she tells me her mom found out we are together and she is against it. She calls me and tells me her mom thinks that she won’t be able to live in my country, that she has a job and life in Geneva and that she will be alone if she was with me. She was crying and I told don’t cry I will be the one who lost here and u will be fine. We don’t talk for months. Then a trip to Geneva comes up and suddenly I start thinking about her and I can’t stop. I text her and she replies we talk like its normal. I tell her I miss her and she side steps it. I tell her I’m coming to Geneva soon. She sends me back a smiley face. When I’m in Geneva I call her and ask her if she wants to meet for coffee. She tells me she thinks its not a good idea and her friends are visiting her for 4 weeks. I tell her she has my number if she changed her mind, she says ok. I don’t call or text her again. But I can’t stop thinking about her and the what ifs. What if it was a mistake? What if she was the one I can’t live without? Did she move on? Is she seeing someone? I’m crushed and obsessed and I don’t know what to do. My family tell me that it would never have worked and to move on. I tell myself you only miss her because there is nothing currently going on your life and that I need to man up and get a life. I feel bipolar. But I can’t stop thinking about her and part of me wants to call her and ask her if she still loves me and if she wants to marry me? And part of me says no move on but I’m afraid that I won’t and that I will never find someone as beautiful and caring as her. And when i realize that it will be too late. I don’t know what to do? Help me please
I met my ex at work he was respectful to but I feel that maybe things triggered the breakup. When he asked me out and later asked if I would be his girlfriend I didn’t expect it. He said he didn’t care about gossip at work as long as we liked eachother. 2 wks into the relationship I mistakenly forgot my cell at home. My cousin was pretending to be me and text him non stop. Wasn’t till almost a month to the bill that I found a huge amount due. Went in person and one of the employees showed me all the texts on screen and it devastated me. By the time I found out he already had his foot out the bf door. He now says he doesn’t mix work with pleasure. If he said he liked me and even talked of a good future why would he just end it.
Seeking support to let go for good … I meet the love of my seven years ago and we got married shortly after. I turned my life upside down to for him and his 4 children that he had custody of by selling my small home that I could afford to buy a 5 bedroom house that would require two incomes, because of course we were going to be together forever. Six months into our marriage things started to go south. I became bitter and started to change because I was overwhelmed. I was 38 years old. Even though I had been married before, he was the first man I ever allowed myself to trust and give myself to with everything I had. He moved out one week after an argument saying he needed space. After a week he came back, only then for me to find out he had moved in with another woman for that week.I stayed with him for 4 more years because I loved him and believed he loved me and was my soulmate. He did try to make us work, and so did I. The problem was neither one of us were trying at the same time…after four years together he left one night for good. I was destroyed. I had to take a month off of work because I could not get out of bed and all I did was cry. My whole world was gone. Neither one of us filed for a divorce for over a year, and during that years time I started to build a support system with friends and family to help me cope. Over that years time he would message me to see how I was and to tell me he missed me and that he would always love me and that no one in his life would ever compare to what the two of us had together. We saw each other once after a year to decide if we would get back together or get a divorce. I thought I was taking control of my life and could move forward by filing for a divorce a month later. I never heard from him during the divorce and he just signed the papers and the divorce was final. I heard a few months later that he was with someone else that he got pregnant, mind you his youngest child at this time was 13 … soon only to find out he married her. I had a few relationships over this period of time and always compared these men to him and what I thought we had together and it never came close to comparing so I always ended them. After a while I started to hear from him again. Although he was married with a new baby he said he still loved me, I was still his best friend and he made a mistake. There wasn’t a day that went by in the 3 years that we were apart that I didnt think about him…
Finally one day last August he called me to tell me that him and his wife were getting a divorce and he wanted to give us another shot. I went back … I knew from the first night that I saw him that the two of us had changed a lot over time but the love was still there and by god I was going to make this work! I had to – because there HAS to be something behind both of us hanging on for all these years right?? It was meant to be! I didn’t give it 100 percent – and he didn’t either … at first I thought I was past all of the bad that took place with us “because I had grown so much as a person” but over an eight month time spam everything that tore us apart the first time came back to me and I started to get anxious and started to ask myself why I was there. I missed being alone with all of my friends that I walked away from to be with him again. Last Tuesday I packed up and left because “I was taking control of my life and my own happiness again”. Several hours after I left I was texting him and calling him asking to come back … he never responded. I felt like I did what I had to do but still for some reason desperately wanted him to tell me to come back that he loved me and we would figure this out. WHY??? Today is day 5 without him contacting me. I continued to contact him via calls and texts up until Friday morning. I feel like I am going thru withdraw from getting texts and calls from him telling me how much he loved me. I feel a huge lose right now and still have a very strong uncontrollable urge to text or call him or even hear from him KNOWING we just can’t be together anymore.
I need to CHANGE this pattern, I need to let go for good. I was not happy. I just don’t know how – or if I will ever be OK again …
Hi JoJo
Your story is compelling unfortunately so many of us are still in pain. You have spent many years trying to love this person and yet those years are gone forever and it seems so is he. From reading your story I realized that we must do the work to really purge them from our souls. I am only on day 3 of NC but I have stumbled twice before and frankly I am tired of starting this process over and over. I am the one that breaks the rule more than my ex.
This also reinforces that taking them back with the issues unresolved, leads to disaster in the end. It is so hard to see my life without him but I am trying to take care of me during this time to get strong and get focused. I don’t have any excuse not to heal but the tape in my head paralyzes.
This website is so very helpful in that we can come here when we feel weak and read the stories of others and the uplifting words from Eddie. We must continue to support one another because there is light at the end. Think of the years you’ve given away that you can’t get back for someone who is unworthy.
I am still fragile and taking one hour at a time but I am feeling encouraged. I know we deserve better. Hang in there and I wish you the best. We have an excellent network of folks out there. Together we will heal. God Bless.
I’ve been going through a bad break up for the past four months. We were together for over a year, half of it was long distance. We were a good couple we had a lot of common traits, enjoyed the same things and eachothers company. When we were together there was nothing to complain about we were happy. until he moved to work in a family business outside the US. we pushed through but the distance took its toll on him and he felt he didnt see me moving. I just hurt. I have lost my self confidence bc he rejected me. We broke up not only bc he felt the distance was not going to work but neither of use was ready just yet to pick up and move in together, leaving one life, job, and family behind. Yet he strung me along for four months. No contact rule- I failed that. The longest we’d go without speaking was a week. He kept telling me he didn’t know what he wanted to do, that it was so hard for him, that he wasn’t sure if he’d regret the decision. On and on. I had given everything, my all, I told him I would move, my ties were not to home or my job, I was willing to sacrifice for him. I told him to let me go visit (he lives outside the states) but even then he said he wasn’t sure if it would change anything. He didnt think i could move outside the states and be happy only having him. Things seemed good, we would Skype and text, I felt he didn’t want to lose me, he was just at a tough place personally and dealing with issues about starting a business and building a career, moving to a new country. That was until a week ago when he said things have changed, that he cares, but we’re friends. I don’t want to be friends. I don’t understand how a month ago when he came in to the states and we saw each other he was so emotional, he told me he loved me that we’d see how things go.. One month ago. my heart had hope, i though maybe he will realize he made a mistake, out of fear, selfishness..But now it’s like he completely changed his mind. He says we’re friends and he’s gotten use to being alone these past four months…Although we’ve seen each other for days In-between the break up and spoke all the time. I feel like he really doesn’t know what he wants, which gives me hope that maybe one day he’ll recognize he wants to be with me. But it kills me, he even says I can’t rely on false hope anymore. I just have such a tough time letting go, not contacting or thinking about him in everything I do. I can’t get him out of my head, yet alone get him out of my heart.
Thanks Eddie,
Your help at this time is god sended. Am totally ok after 1 week of crying after reading your blogs. You are a wonderful teacher. Thanks a lot. My gf left me for another man. She was my first love. I could not come out of the feeling that she did it to me. But now I am totally ok. thanks a lot.
I have been on here before. I broke the nc over and over again. I believe my ex was wanting me back. For three and half years we have been going through. I stayed with him during his sepration and supposly divorce. I have yaken his physical and mental abuse. I have been in the hospital because of him leaving me. Well ladies and gentlemen, my ex got married on me after we were working it out. Yes after he was with me three days later they got remarried. Yes remarried his ex. Wow. But they called me and cusses me out. The man i loved called me a bitch whore slut. Yes he destroyed me. She cussed me out. I told her he was with me. I am living in the worst nightmare people. We live five min away. He has been lying. He never got a divorce. Living with both.
All 6 mistakes after the break up last year.. I feel so stupid now.
But i stopped all contact 6 months back.
I have made a few of those mistakes. Does that mean there is no hope anymore for a reunion? Does it mean there is nothing left?