“Tell me again how you went from loving me to not loving me…”
-Movie Quote
When we experience a devastating loss through a break-up or divorce, sooner or later we will ask ourselves two specific questions:
- How could s/he stop loving me so suddenly?
- How can I fall out of love, so that I won't have to endure this terrible emotional roller-coaster?
In the next few paragraphs, I will give you some answers and food for thought to these fundamental questions.
Also, I will show you how you can use this knowledge to get over your own break-up faster. (Along with some additional philosophical lines demonstrating why love isn't eternal).
So please read on.
Contents:
The Definition Of Falling Out Of Love
Reasons Why People Fall Out Of Love
The Reason Why Exes Move On So Fast
How Can You Fall Out Of Love The Fastest Way Possible
Isn't Love Supposed To Be Eternal?
I had a client once – let's call her Jennifer – who came to me a few weeks after her husband left her unexpectedly. They had been on an incredible vacation together to Hawaii, and at the very hour of their return home, he broke the news to her.
That day she felt as if someone had beamed her up into another reality. The very fact that this happened so suddenly made her break down completely.
What happened?
And moreover, why had he left her just after they had such an unforgettable time together?
“No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice”
-Unknown
The Definition Of Falling Out Of Love
Falling out of love is simply the opposite of falling into love – it's ceasing to love someone. It's an artificial phrase to describe an inexplicable circumstance.
An absence of love once present.
Which of course throws up even more questions, like when exactly does falling out of love happen? Is it a process, or does it happen from one moment to another?
Were those people ever IN love when they could fall OUT of love?
And most importantly – and here's the romantic soul in me speaking – isn't love supposed to last forever?
These are all great questions, all of which Jennifer had asked herself already while she was ranting to me about this man formerly known as her husband.
But before we can get to the bottom of this problem, we need to take a step back and acknowledge that most of us don't do things without a reason.
There's always a core motivation to our every action.
My experience with people is that we all have two core motivations to do something:
It's either to seek pleasure or to avoid pain (it's an ancient cave-man, brain-wiring thing).
So which one was it for Jennifer's husband?
Reasons Why People Fall Out Of Love
The number one reason people fall out of love – let's assume for a moment that this oxymoron is possible – is due to incompatibilities.
When we start a new relationship, everything seems to be perfect. We see the world through rose-colored glasses, and the whole world is love, peace, and harmony.
Your partner doesn't have ANY flaws whatsoever, you both are a perfect match to each other, and there's not a single thing in the world you can think of why you shouldn't be together forever.
Love is a powerful mind-bending drug.I'm not writing this out of sarcasm, in fact, I'm a big fan of love. And because I'm such a fan and maven of love, I know that it comes in different facets.
MORE: How I Found The Definition Of True Love
True love exists. It is what remains even when the fascination of the new fades out, and we suddenly and shockingly realize that our partner is all but perfect.
But at this point, when all of these flaws and shortcomings arise, many start to feel that this is not at all what they've signed up for.
Suddenly everything starts to become complicated and hard work.
That's why so many bail.
It's simply too arduous. And we don't want that.
Not when there's another potential candidate waiting in line ready to give us the love-drug again that we so dearly miss.
We want simple.
Again, I'm not sarcastic; I'm merely calling the ugly thing by its name.
This is the main reason people fall out of love – simply because they realize it's not at all what they wanted.
Can you prevent that from happening?
Well, for one, you can always be who you really are, and you can be completely honest about what you are expecting from your partner.
Idealization at the beginning of a relationship is ok to some degree, but you should always know your needs and see them being met.
Am I saying that it's your fault that your partner left?
No.
I'm just saying that a relationship is an equilibrium of the wants and needs of two people, of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. And if that equilibrium gets out of balance, well then my friends, conflicts will occur.
Whose fault is that?
Exactly. No ones.
The Reason Why Exes Move On So Fast
The reasons why Jennifer's husband was able to move on so fast, and why the break-up was perceived as “out of the blue” by Jennifer, was because he started to separate himself emotionally from her a very long time ago.
He felt that the connection was lost and that his personal needs weren't fulfilled, so he decided – consciously or unconsciously – to detach himself from this marriage.
Slowly, step-by-step, day by day he slipped away more and more.
Of course, the signs were there. Jennifer must have seen them.
When my Ex left me back then, I also thought that it came out of the blue… like she just came up with that crazy idea to break up today.
“I don't love you anymore,” she said. As if she just wanted to see how I would react when she crushed my world.
Later I realized that there were tons of red flags.
I just chose to ignore them, just like someone chooses to ignore a painful, unwanted reality that so completely doesn't fit in their lives.
That was my only fault I share with Jennifer.
So why in hell haven't they said anything – given us a chance to change, repair, smooth things over – just to do something?
Well maybe they have, and we just didn't have the time to listen.
Or maybe they haven't.
Either way, it is not important whose fault it was.
It is important to know that they broke up with you a long time before you chose to accept it. Way before this painful, unwanted reality entered your life.
So, at the time of the actual break-up, Jennifer's husband was emotionally already where she would not be for at least another ten months.
That's the sad truth. An Ex can move on fast because they are simply miles ahead of us.
How Can You Fall Out Of Love The Fastest Way Possible?
So if our Exes were able to fall out of love with us, then shouldn't WE be able to follow suit? Right?
Yes, we can … we are NOT helpless.
Here's the agenda we need to accomplish:
We need to fall out of love with our Ex; we need to completely and utterly stop loving them. That means more precisely to stand in front of them and feel absolutely nothing.
Nada … as if we were standing in front of a stranger.
Given the fact that the addiction we have for our Ex is the root to all of our problems, it seems that this is the most desirable outcome.
I go yet one step further and say that the desire to do so is a precondition to recovery. You MUST WANT to fall out of love in order to heal and make way to the possibility of finding a better, more fulfilled relationship.
It is the right way. But the journey will be arduous.
As you may know, this said journey of break-up recovery leads you through different phases. All of which have their own pitfalls and challenges.
In a nutshell, when you want to heal from a broken heart you have to accomplish three miraculous things. You have to:
- contain the pain
- accept that it's over
- make the leap into independence
All of these will stretch you to the limit.
What I've experienced personally, and most of my clients have as well, is that the “out-of-love-falling” happens with the leap into independence, where we shift off our dependence to our Ex and take off our rose-colored glasses.
When we can truly see the world as it is again, with complete detoxification of the love-drug.
We then realize that we can very well make it alone, and we kick our Ex from their pedestal that we've built for them … with a blast.
MORE: Kicking The Ex From Their Pedestal – Getting Over A Break Up
This, and the time that follows is where “the magic” happens, and we simply fall out-of love and … hopefully, IN love again.
What did it for me personally, was a combination of self-realization, self-discovery and the complete physical absence of my Ex.
And as I preach so often my dear friends: it always starts with No-Contact. (You should sign-up to my newsletter if you need help with that).
One last mystery remains yet uncovered:
Isn't Love Supposed To Be Eternal?
“It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no ‘exit' signs in love, there is only an ‘on' ramp.”
-Unknown
I agree with this quote… with some reservations. Were ALL forms of love like the one eternal altruistic love, then yes… love would never die.
But knowing that there are many forms, including those created by our own power of will – remember how I once told you that I continuously forced myself to love my Ex – most love is mortal.
Unfortunately not EVERY love we experience is THAT eternal altruistic love.So when you find yourself alone, after your Ex's love for you has died, the question is NOT whether your love for him was THE “real” facet of love or not.
Nope my, friends.
The question is how fast will you realize that you MUST get rid of this love the fastest way possible.
Because it's either YOU kill it or, IT kills you.
This is not being un-romatic… there is no romance in one-sided love.
This is being realistic. This is me having seen far too many of you who suffered way beyond they should have.
This is me helping you to take this break-up, squeeze every single drop of insight out of it and use this knowledge to become a better person… and eventually to dare to start this whole thing all over again.
But this time I promise you… you will be more complete, wiser and also stronger.
So is it possible to fall out of love?
It is and it is not… it solely depends on you.
What do YOU think? Please share in the comment section below.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
Hi all, This is my second break up where I
have come to this site to seek the advice of Eddie.. I watched his film on you
tube yesterday and from all that i have learnt and for a moment I had a clear
mind where I decided to create a Goals List and use Self Love and Life Purpose
to help me over this break up.. So i thought I would share it with you, it may
help some people:
Goals by April 2013
1) Quit Smoking
2) 60day No Contact Rule
3) Be Active, Not Passive
4) Focus on Gym/Dance/Photography
5) Spend more time with Family/Friends
6) Focus on Self Love and Life Purpose
7) Save Money and Clear Debts
8) Become a Stronger and Happier Person
9) Accept the Past is Over and Move Forward to
Create a New Future
10) Remember I am only human and like others
I make mistakes, I will learn from these
If I can achieve these goals and believe a
good future is ahead, I will become a better person. goodluck
Hi J,
Love the list!
No impossible items here and the time-frame is realistic. You should only make items 3, 6 and 8 more concrete and tangible, so you’ll know better when you’ve achieved them.
Hang in there,
Eddie
Hi All, just looking for some interdependent advise.. I’m 34 was dating a girl for 6 months, i know this isn’t long on the scale of tings but, you know how the heart can hope for the fairy tail.. Anyway she was very insecure and after 3 months would question me about who was texting ect, i genuinely didnt have anything to hide.. after a while i became tired of the questioning (now i think i should have maybe been more understanding as ive been there) I myself and have some trust issues from an ex relationship, however i have learned to control this and know the difference between what is your mind playing tricks and what is reason to suspect.. so quite often i would keep these thoughts low and allow time to be the judge.. which she commented that my no questioning means that maybe i dont care, i explained that people will do what they are going to do and my job was to make her happy, not question.. A few weeks after i was filmed by her friend in a club dancing with a girl, however i should add it was a gay bar and although im straight ill dance with anyone male/female i just like to see people having fun.. clearly this didnt help her trust iues and i promised her i was loyal and we made up… a month or so after we both went out, drinking and there was a few situations during the night but we sorted them out whilst out… when we got home, back at hers we argued about the events of the night and whilst i was sitting on the toilet she attacked me, 3 punches in the face, i didn’t retaliate, a further 2 punches in the face and 3 huge scratches.. i pushed her.. she called the police and got me arrested.. its been 2 months since im still on bail and she still appears to be going through with court.. i pleaded not guilty in self defense so we will see.. i actually broke my bail once by txting her saying “please lets sort this out and i love you ” she reported me.. 13 more hours in the cell and another bail…. So, i know i should give this girl a wide birth, but she is stunning, actually stunning, made me laugh and i was fond of her family.. i miss her like hell and im left with the thoughts that had i reassured or acted differently this would have been avoided.. your thoughts please??
My oh my. It has been seven weeks since she kicked me to the kerb and i am still hurting today. it has been two weeks since no contact. i still cannot believe it has happened. we had bought a house two months prior to the breakup and i was in the process of renovating it. i have my good days and my bad days. yesterday i was full of optimisim about getting over her but today my stomach is aching again. i want her back so much, i want to talk to her and tell her what i have been up to but i cant and its killing me. we were together for nearly seven years. i loved the first five of them but about 18 months ago she got pregnant and due to us both going into our last year of university it was jointly decided to abort it. following on from that i really struggled to be intimate with her due to the guilt that i felt. i never spoke to her about it as i knew how difficult the whole ordeal was for her. i wish i had have just said something but it is to late now. she told me that since it happened she hasn’t felt as close to me and i don’t blame her for this. i wish i could turn back the hands of time but i can’t.
since we have split i did the usual dumpee trick of trying her to get her to explain how it went wrong. it is such a shame that things had to end for us to tell each other what was going wrong in the relationship. she told me that she thought that i didn’t love her anymore and that i never found her attractive, this was never the case. it was my own issues and problems that had messed my head up. we were so good together to and i know that it is over and the memories are all that i have left.
i understand that it takes two in a relationship, she admitted that she could have done more to save it, i said the same, but she just felt that it has gone to far. she told me that their is no one else involved and that she just wants to be on her own for a while. i need this to. i wished we both could have sat down and said lets break for a while. i needed the break so badly, not to sleep around or test the water but to sort my own head out. the guilt of what happened has been eating my insides for a while. she told me that we both shared responsibility for what happened and it made be feel better, all the poison in my system came out. i feel so much happier now that we are apart but i think that it is because everything has come out, i just wish that i could feel this happy with her but it is to late now.
i am terrified that i will never meet anyone like her again, i loved her entire family and my family loved her. we went travelling together and on numerous trips abroad. we gave each other our own space and trusted each completely. to my knowledge, and i trust her word, we never once cheated on each other which i value so highly.
she said that when she thinks back she feels like we just grew apart. in the last two months she just stopped wanting to have sex with me which was really difficult to take. i think the house had shocked her and she probably realised that she didn’t want to be with me for the rest of her life, we are both in our late twenties. its weird because she was the one who wanted to move in together.
she told me she wants to be friends, we met up twice since the breakup, i told myself that i could just have her a friend but i cant. not right now. i have made a list of all the things that i disliked about her to make me feel better but its not really working. i have thrown all of her momentos away including cards and presents, this was a lot easier than i thought. cards which had written in them that i will love you forever. when i think back i know in my heart that she loved me so much, she kept asking me when we were in the process of buying the house if i still loved her and i did, i just failed to show it the way a man should. my family keep telling me that if she had of loved me truly then she would have tried to save it and they are probably right.
the reality of the matter is that i needed the breakup to realise how much i loved her, to realise what i think is important in life and to realise not to takes things for granted. im just such an idiot that i never seen it before. i intend to better myself and get my head straight. my ex made me feel truly happy about myself (not so much in the end) but i have realised that i need to be happy in myself before anything else. i suffer from insecurities and feel as though i have let the best thing i had in my life turn to shit and thats is a big fear of mine. not sure why i have posted but it feels better to get things off my chest.
when i read the things that eddy has put it makes sense. she seems to be dealing with things a lot better than me but she must have felt like this for a while, i just wanted to ignore the red flags. i wanted us to have a bust up and then start again but you dont always get what you want. i just miss her so much 🙁
i know that its over now but i still get thoughts popping in my head saying you might get back together but when someone tells you they no longer love you i think its pretty clear it is over. my biggest task is trying to fall out of love with her which is a problem when you view the person so highly.
I know it has been 3 mos since you posted this and I was wondering how you were coping. I hope all is well.
I am glad to hear that you are getting better. We are on the same boat so don’t worry. There are too many of us suffering from this really painful part of life that most of us must go through. My ex and I broke up on the day of our 1st year anniversary last year in October [I actually thought he forgot that it was our anniversary because he did not even greet!] But him forgetting the impt date was not really the exact reason why we parted. It just added insult to injury.. Which meant that he just didn’t really give much importance on our rel’p. Action speaks louder than words.
There were too many things that I failed to address and discuss with him. I have problems confronting people when they do me wrong and I sometimes just let it slide until it all build up and exploded. That’s what happened. He had issues too. He couldn’t be open and honest enough to share them with me so that made me doubt the purpose of the rel’p. I also thought he was a fair weather bf because he didn’t like to talk about problems and negativity. I don’t know. Maybe I just didn’t know him that well yet granting we just dated for a year and just see each other during the weekends. I realized that I loved him more than he loved me. I felt I gave 110% in the rel’p but from his end I didn’t feel he was doing all the effort to let me know he cares. For a year together, I did not even receive a single flower from him whilst I showered hims presents and gifts and made sure I did not miss a special occasion. I don’t know. Maybe he was right. With his breakup message, “Clearly, we are not matched,” was maybe true. I just loved him that much that I was so willing to do anything to make it work and even fought for it and did the most pathetic things. It hurt me so much that we just parted via text messaging and email. It was insulting for my part. I thought he wasn’t brave enough to confront his issues. While I am the problem solver and risk taker, I just wanted to go ahead and do something to save the rel’p right away. I realized that this was not a good idea. I wish I had read Eddie’s article on NO CONTACT, maybe the rel’p could have been saved. However, I believe there’s always a reason for everything. I don’t want to go back anymore and think about what happened because it will just break my heart again, blaming myself and the situation for the hellhole I am in.
I tried to faithfully follow the NC but I failed last Christmas when I sent him a Christmas greeting only to be ignored and not replied to. I felt miserable last Christmas Day, cried myself to sleep, yearning for him, hoping he’d come along and my Christmas present. It was so pathetic. But then again, I picked myself again and promised myself to be strong and learn to accept the fact that it was OVER between us. Although, It is quite hard to move forward knowing that we both lived in the same city but with determination and faith, I will make it through all walking every blocks, with trembling knees, to my work place praying I don’t see him or run into him because he also works in the area. Almost everything just reminds me of him. But..
I know I will be able to move on one day. I have loved my ex with all my life, heart and soul. He knows it. He knew how special he ‘was’ to me. How faithful and loving I was to him. How caring and nurturing I was of him. And for that, I can move forward happily. In the mean time, I will nurture myself, do something that will make me happy, do the job the allows me to achieve my dreams, enjoy ‘me’ time and rediscover the happy self that I was before.
I also tried online dating but I quit. Maybe because I wasn’t ready to date yet? Or maybe online dating is just not for me. At the moment, I want to prove the saying, “Love will find you,” and “Love comes around when you stop looking.”
Through this site, I am able to move on. I just keep coming back here read and read people’s stories. And I am inspired by how they picked themselves up after their break ups and some of them had even more painful experiences than I have.
Thank you Eddie and thank you, too, Jonny for sharing and getting back with me. We will make it! 🙂 Be happy because we deserved to be. God bless you always. – Tammy, New York
This artical is so true and I want so badly to WANT to fall out of love with my ex of 5 years. Over the 5 years he has dumped me once almost on the dot of a year after the last breakup. This year I finally felt as though everything was going to work out, we moved away from home for the year and had the time of our lives, came back home and continued to get along great. This all changed after a few months of retrning home, he began being distant all of a sudden and not 2 weeks later he dumped me again. The thing I’m having a hard time dealing with is the nagging thoughts of him coming back again as he always has . I know it would be awful for me to go back but at the same time I so badly want the validation that he does still have feelings for me and misses me the way I do him. I know in my heart I need to move on and stop loving him, but I am so scared that he will, as he always has, come back begging just as I am beginning to heal. Any advice would be appreciated!
Dear mackie44,
I am no expert but somehow one thing came to my mind when I saw your comment. It might be hard but I want to ask you one question: Why the hell you keep bending to this person’s wants? You are giving him all the power when you should be the one in control. I know that the hurt in your heart is not letting you go of this person but try looking back at each instant, he’s playing with your heart like a ball. He just considers you when probably his fun time is over. Are you going to let such person do it? I don’t think I would want it. I’m going through a breakup and I keep in my mind one thing – the last disrespectful things he said. Even I sometimes end up romaticising the things that happened but then I look back at my list of bad things he did to me and suddenly I say that not even if he comes crawling I would want such rubbish in my life again. Let’s face it, let’s be honest with yourself – he’s playing around with you like a doll. Don’t let him come back, he’s not worth one second of your life anymore. Who really loves you would never consider to leave not even the first time let alone all those times. Remember that no one on this earth has the right to tear you apart and glue you back at his likings. Take it from a person that was in love with an egoist, disrespectful douche bag.
Hi Guys,
I am new to this site, but boy oh boy, I am not new to breakups. I have been in a “relationship” for 10 years with the same guy. Yes, I said 10 years. We have been on again and off again so many times. I was reading thru alot of the comments and posts on here and my heart aches so much for so many of you. I guess you could say with my story, I had rose colored glasses on for 10 years. I had just gotten divorced, met this “great” guy who swept me off my feet and feel head of heals.
While I was falling head over heals, I chose to ignore the big red flags, like how self-absorbed he was, controlling and very manipulative. I was “in love” and love will always find a way. Right?? Well, I realize now that “true, respectful, honest love” will always find a way. It took me 10 years to wake up and stop being a doormat to this guy. I am a Mom of a teenager, have a great job, super strong in everything else in my life, but man with him, he was my achellies tendon. I have always had “dead-ON” gut reactions with him. I had one last Wednesday night, when I got up to go “check on him” – which I caught him at his Ex Wifes house at 1:30 in the morning. So I took pictures of his truck, calmly drove to the store- bought white shoe polish and wrote Cheater, Scum, and a few more choice words on every single inch of glass I could put a word. I then snapped a few other pictures of my great artistry and then drove home. Once home, I texted him just the picture. I then turned out my light, turned off my phone and went peacfully to sleep.
I woke up to text after text from him and GET THIS- also a text from his Ex Wife stating that he had just stopped by to help her with some “paperwork”. I deleted all of the texts, blocked his number and went to work. IN the past, I would have cried, freaked out, been devestated, etc. I could write a book about all the drama I have been thru, but heres the thing and here is why I am posting this. I played the victim many times in this relationship, blaming him when he would break up with me and then torture me on FB and by dating other girls. I thought “how could he do this?” “I love him so much” . Heres the thing, the last time we broke up- was our longest breakup, 2 months. I was on the road to recovery and had been getting counseling. Against my better judgment I took him back and “changed” all he asked of me, so I would never be manipulated into believing his lies again- that its always my fault. Who cares who’s fault it is if someone is not getting what they need from their partner – Walk AWAY!! I think God woke me up the other night, and gonked me on the head. He is like it’s time you take your power back. There is no one to be mad at but myself. I chose to look the other way years ago and became a doormat for a man that is incapable of true love. I had had enough.
I listened to songs on U Tube last night to make myself cry. I am not angry or bitter. I am just done!!! All of you in pain right now will also, one day have enough. The counseling I had last year is what helped me the most. It made me start caring about myself on a deeper level and made me want me power back. No one deserves your tears if they are not willing to love you and respect you. Cry for the decisions YOU MADE!!! NOT for the decisions THEY MADE.
I may have just cried all the tears I had over the last 10 years. I have been pushed to the brink of insainity by this man. Stop the cycle, if they leave you once, they will leave you again, most of the time and you can’t love someone enough to fix everything. Open your eyes and see whats really in front of you, NOT what you “want’ to be in front of you.
And last thing- When I sent him the picture of his truck- I attached a note to it stating- that if he ever tries to contact me or shows up at my house or ANYTHING, that every picture I took would be posted all over Facebook. He has a very high up job, and image is everything to him. I took my power back. Best thing I ever did. You will all be ok one day and happy. I will be too. Your all in my prayers.
Take care!!
Eyes Wide Open in Waco :-))
It has been 2 years since i broke up with my ex. I am still coming to terms with the hurtful things he did and said. what are your suggestions for letting go of such painful memories that seem to haunt me for some reason.
09/10/2012
I wanted to share my experience with some others cause
I know there are many that are going through my same process out there. I found
it very helpful to read others’ experiences on this website and with the same
manner I want to contribute and be of help too.
Today is an anniversary for me. It’s been three weeks
that my relationship ended. Yes, I’ve been through the hardest moments in these
weeks and I am not completely out of it. I still get my ups and downs and I
still get those moments when I would like to end everything I have around me,
get closed somewhere, don’t speak and don’t listen. It’s hard but I think one
thing that kept me going was that somehow in the deep of my heart there was an
inner voice constantly telling me that even if it was broken it still wanted to
live because I was strong. Yes I am strong. He went away and today I’m
realising that I should be grateful for this cause throughout the months I was
decreasing myself to put him on top of everything. I was a strong, capable and
very independent person before he came along. I had experienced break ups
before and I kept on getting stronger and stronger from the hurt they produced.
I had those boundary walls that protected my heart, than somehow after some
time on my own I decided to scrap them all and let him in. You can imagine what
an effort, so this time the break up has been harder.
The stages of this break up included:
–
The
initial shock – I couldn’t believe it
–
The
crying, the losing weight, the depressed moments and getting drunk (I was at
home but)
–
The
never ending talking about him
–
The
hate for myself for being so stupid and permitting him to drop my boundary
walls
–
The
angriness of giving him the opportunity to know everything about me and for
giving him so much of my time and making him a priority when I was never one
for him
The above is a description of these three weeks. Then
somehow along the line my sanity started to come back again. First of all let
me say that my policy has always been that of no contact. That same night I
threw away everything that had to do with him, closed his facebook connection
and blocked anything that could come from him. I definitely think that once
someone says he/she wants to stop the relationship goes beyond irreparable
damage.
I started writing down whatever he did to me that hurt
me during our relationship, both actions and words. He was a man of few words
but when he opened up his mouth to say something it was just hurt along. Then I
thought of our good moments too. These latter moments were extensively
outnumbered by his mean actions and words. I can still remember his last phrases:
–
I
don’t love you anymore (three hours before he was saying he’s crazy in love)
–
Don’t
expect me to say I love you when I don’t mean it
–
I
can’t stay thinking every time about what I’m going to tell you cause I may risk
to hurt you – so his assumption is that he can fire whatever words to anyone
carelessly….
–
You
are part of the past.
I realised how much he has hurt me in those months and
how much I had put down my dignity for him – just to settle – just to feel that
sense of belonging. I just adapted – at 30 I wanted to be like everyone else. I
accepted him to hurt me thinking that if I leave the relationship that would
mean I have something wrong. Me, a self sufficient woman that has studied and
worked hardly to be independent has brought herself to this – making a man the
centre of her world. I used to cook whatever he wanted, buy him presents, do
the shopping and what not and I was never ever given anything in return. Never
a gift, never a paid dinner – I used to pay for dinner. I realised all this
from simply putting all those points together. Now that they were written I
could see the reality of my relationship. I never saw them altogether and I
never realised how unhealthy that relationship was. So now three weeks after I can say – Thanks for leaving my life cause now I know
that I should never settle for less of my expectations and indeed you were one
huge less expectation.
After three weeks:
–
I’m
back working hard and I can concentrate on my job without interruptions
–
I’m
reading all those books I left on the shelf because I was keeping him company
on the phone, supporting his stupid hobbies or cooking him dinners
–
I
bought alot of clothes, those that he told me not to
–
I
booked a flight to Italy to relax for four days
–
I got
a huge pampering session, a new hair cut and colour
–
I
listened to all that music he grumbled so much about
–
I
watched my favourite movies – those that he said were stupid
–
I
washed my cars – he made fun of me for doing it regularly
–
I met
with all my friends – those that I left behind because I was occupied giving
him all my free time
And best of all I took back all my sleep.
Those hours of sleep that were never enough because I had to spend them with
him or on the phone. Well I think I got back my own self, the one he brought
down that now is back on her feet even stronger than before. Today whenever I
smile and laugh I offer it like a toast to him and in my heart I say: “This is
for you, for all those tears that went down my face with you looking at me
crying without even lifting a finger to console me. Thanks for going away, hope
you are never back” .
As much as I know that it is hard to go through the
pain especially when you have invested so much in making it work, I can assure
you – it will pass. It will become a bad memory but also a good one reminding
you how strong you are. The worst thing that I can do at this moment is feeling
bad cause that would mean that he won over me. I will never let that happen. My
best revenge is putting this at my back and resurface bigger, stronger, harder
and wiser. He’s the loser not me. He’s the one who has lost the battle and
retracted, I kept being there faithful that any battle can be won because I
fundamentally always believed that there is nothing that cannot be solved if
committed to do so. He was never of the same opinion and in every argument he
always chickened out solving it with the questions: Shall we call it quits? Now
who is the strongest???? Who is the chicken? Certainly not me! I’m here on my
feet with all my dignity intact cause I’ve battled till the end while he took
the easiest way out.
Love yourself, that’s someone who will
never let you down. I know there will be moments where I will be lost but someday I will perfectly make it.
Hi Sonia
So good to hear from someone who is as brave as you. My bf broke up with me 3 months ago. And i started acting like a needy, desperate, clingy female. My ex realized that how much i wanted him back and he started playing around with me!He would never call me. And whenever i did, he would be like, i m busy, call you later. And that later would never come!I would sit the whole day, expecting his call. He would call me only when he had nobody else to go out with. And i would immediately agree to his plans with the hope of getting back together.
But last week i decided that enough is enough. All these months, he has hurt me a lot!Like you, i had put in my 100 % in this relationship. i would do everything to make him happy. But he never did anything that would make me happy. So now i have decided its “me” time again.
And reading your post has given me all the strength. I started NC three days ago. And surely i do miss him. But that is because i was so addicted to him. i gave him all the time and stopped meeting my friends so that i could be with him. that’s why i feel so alone now. But visiting this website gives me a lot of strength. And Eddie’s newsletters too.
I hope that one day like you i mite be able to finally get over him. Rite now it hurts. But that day awaits!!
Hi sneha,
I’m happy that I managed to help someone with my post. The road is tough I can assure you but things do happen and as simple as it is I still think that closes one door to open up another hundred. Like you sometimes I act like the needy person and I have several mood swings during the day, but I manage them. I manage them sometimes by thinking of all those wrong things he did and say. I can never forget when he said ‘You’re part of the past’ and for this main reason I would never permit him to come back. The no contact is to become your policy cause like that you will show strength. You dont need him to be ok. You need yourself to be ok. Just put your energy in what you like and focus on what you didnt manage to do while you were with him. Dont let some selfish coward kill your heart, he doesn’t deserve it. If it’s any consolation I still miss him sometimes but I know that like he killed all his love for me, I can do better than that – I can KILL him from inside my heart. I’m not yet over him but I will be, everyday is an improvement. Courage girl, that’s all you need. Grab a notebook and start writing all the wrong he did to you and I can assure you , you will kick him out.
I just happened to stumble on this website when googling a quote I had seen. I’m technically two months out of my break up but have been in the break up process since we first started. I feel so weak and so powerless and I can’t get my mind to stop wandering to that awful place. I feel so desperate for some sense peace or for consoling words that will just flick the switch of the lightbulb to make things clear to me and I just can’t find it. I feel like I am at the bottom of a hole that I can’t dig myself out of and I just was reading what you were saying and truly connected. If you could help me with how you got to that point it would be beyond appreciated, my life is Falling apart around me. I’ve lost relationships with family and friends for becoming so wrapped up in this relationship, and needing them too much to help me put back the pieces of myself he kept breaking and I willingly and always forcefully jumped back to be available to break. I don’t blame them for giving up on me. But now I just feel so immensely alone and it’s getting too hard to bear. He did Everythig you could do to hurt or betray someone. He cheated on me, gave me an STD And blamed it on me when I had been faithful. Got pregnant and when I told him the news, told me I was a trashbag and to take care of it. Yet after all that, I’m the one crying myself to sleep at night and drinking myself into an absolute oblivion just to be able to fall asleep. I failed my last class after a grueling 4 years to get my degree and start my life and now have to retake it forcing me to stay in the same place surrounded by all his memories and hurt. And last month he tried to come back
To me and I took him back with open arms. I fell right back in. And when I layed next to him for the first time my body just felt such peace and relaxation I fell Into the deepest sleep I’ve had in months. And it was just the most amazing feeling after such immense pain. And not even a week later I found out he was sleeping with someone else, who was spreading around how foolish I was to not know. It was the nail that broke the camels back. And he told me if I hadn’t wanted other people our whole relationship things could of been different. I understand the mind game of trying to flip his issues onto me but that doesn’t help a single bit with my broken heart. I would of done anything and everything to be with him and make him happy and it never was good enough and I was constantly being accused of all the things he was doing. I’m past the break up stage of crying and desperately texting him to get his response and figure out why from his mouth he did the things he did. My sister gave me great advice and said never ask a question you can’t answer a definitive yes or no to. And so do all of those actions prove true love? No. Am I better off without him, yes. But all that doesn’t help with wondering how I could of loved someone with every cell of my being who didnt love me back, and even worse almost purposely got me addicted to his love and made it a point he wanted me never to forget that noone would ever love me more then him. He caused problems between myself and my friends and family so he was my only support system. i just don’t get why he would lie, it wasn’t benefitting him it was just making me more of a mess. I understand how disgustingly stupid ad desperate i sound, which is far from my true character. I’m a say it how it is kind of girl and used to be very strong. I just feel brainwashed. I just need some help, I hope if anyone can give me some words to help me get out of this neverending sadness. I just am at the point I feel like I’m going to be alone the rest of my life.
This is so inspiring!!! Thank you very much. I am on Day 8 of NC and Day 8 of breakup. I did the same thing you did and I think I felt the same way you felt in the relationship. This site has helped me a lot. Thank you Eddie.
It took me about 3 weeks to fall out of love from a 9 year relationship where I followed him around like a puppy dog. The main thing that helped is knowing the damage was done and the relationship would never be the same anyway. I refused to let myself think of the ‘good times’ if I started to I’d replace them with the bad times. I honestly can’t remember the good times now I think I seen the whole thing and him through rose tinted glasses.
I relate to this so much , 2 years have passed since I broke up with “the love of my teenage years” , a girl that was incredibly hard to find and made me one of the most happy guys in the world. After I caught her kissing on of my good friends , I was devastated , I thought what we had was forever , we`d get married after college and look great together. Your aticle made me think about that time and prepared me for the next nasty breakups that i`ll have in the near future. Thanks !
Hi Heather,
Thank you so much for your kind words.
Your friend,
Eddie
Hi,
Is it possible then to find another love if you still have your Ex in your heart? Even if you forced yourself to move on?
It is my strong believe that denying yourself the possibility to experience fulfilled love is a life wasted. Even IF we find such a life highly romantic…
Eddie
Thank you Suri for your kind word, I really appreciate it.
Your friend,
Eddie
I don’t think it matters much. If they truly loved you, wouldn’t they look for you?
This article is so true. My breakup is fresh, a month and a week ago. If not for this website and the materials provided by Eddie, I wouldn’t have survived the first few weeks of my break up. Since at that time, all I wanted was to remove the pain and the tears. But, through strictly following the no-contact rule, I actually was able to accept the fact that he’s gone and there are no good reasons to hope to get together again, or wait for that day that he’ll try to win me back- that it’s not good for me. I was really struck (like a bullet pierced through the middle of my ventricles) by what Eddie described as there is no romance in unreciprocated love. Before in my relationship, I tried to be happy even when I know I am receiving very minimal efforts from him while I try to give him 110% of my love, which I defined before as unconditional care and understanding and affection for someone. At that time, I was blinded by the feelings I have for him. There was even a time when he told me that I shouldn’t expect from him, that I should be contented with what I am receiving from him (be it time, efforts, at the very least- gifts). And i tried…. But now I know, that that type of scenario is not being “happy” at all. That’s what you call acceptance of suffering and absorbing misery when in fact it should be love that uplifts you, makes you realize how valuable and lovable you are.
I know that God (Creator) and the Church defines loves as being humble and kind, without expecting anything in return. But for me, only Him and our parents are capable of true unconditional love. Why? Because as humans, we look for somebody to love and someone to spend your life with forever because somehow, we want that feeling to be reciprocated. Someone who will take care of you. I am being honest here, when I search for a boyfriend, I only do not search for a temporary companion (cause I would have preferred to be with a friend instead)- I search for somebody who will be fit to be a lifetime partner. A partner meaning someone who shares love, takes a part of your pain/problems, he who will take care of you as much as you want to take care of him. I know that love enough gives you courage to literally do the impossible and accept all suffering on his behalf. But, looking at a LIFETIME with that person, can you handle that? You will have to carry the unhappiness and the burden of dissatisfaction for the rest of your life! Being ALONE during DARK moments while with company during the HAPPY moments?
After all these weeks, I know there is still this love for him inside of me. I still cry whenever I feel lonely and I miss him, I stii feel my heart aches whenever I would hear something about him (I accidentally learned from someone close to him that he already has a new girlfriend after a month breakup- by the way, I already informed that person not to mention about him anymore), I will still be reminded of him once in a while (since I work in a mall and we had our dates here often before). I know you understand how HARD it is to try to forget about him EVEN with the knowledge that he is NO GOOD for you and he has fallen out of love. But, what choice do we all have? Eddie is right, if we try to consciously remove or at least try to let go of all our love/feelings for that someone who broke our heart to pieces, somehow, we are sure, that one DAY, we will hurt no more. Why? Because we DON’T FEEL THE LOVE ANYMORE! Because we don’t care how many girflriends they have after us or whatever they are doing at that moment because we have accepted the fact that he is NOT OURS. He is NOT THE ONE! Once we have let go of all these feelings, we will be able to replenish our hearts with love that is well-deserved by our future partner. Unless your “WORTHLESS EX” is still there in your heart, THERE IS NO ROOM FOR THE “WORTH IT GUY”! I know this is hard. But I am willing to move forward- to let go of my love instead of being stuck here in the dark with the knowledge that no one can save me and bring me to light but myself.
I tried this last night. I am still not sure if this is effective. But I imagined that all my tears are the “visible” matter of my love for him. When I cry at night, I visualize that these tears pour out my feelings for him. when I say out, literally, like the water from a faucet down the drain. Which means, every time I cry and I am hurt because of what I feel about him, I release everything like body waste (tears). Because that’s what he is, a waste! Waste of my time, energy. One day, all these tears will be gone so as my love for him. I know letting go is possible. If you want it, it is POSSIBLE.
Yeah you’ll be alright 🙂 Just take it day by day and understand that relapses of feeling WILL happen and you WILL slip up from time to time. But that’s completely natural and only is testament to how capable you are of feeling 🙂
I am looking forward to that moment, Luke. Yeah, you’re right. We are hurt because we feel and we are capable of loving. Thank you. 🙂
Hi Jocasta,
Thank you very much for sharing. When reading your story I felt your pain between the lines. But I also felt that optimism, that love and greatness you have inside of you.
As Luke said, you will be alright, you have the understanding and the right mindset.
Know that all of this you have to go through is not for nothing, there is a big gain for you hidden in all the suffering. You will learn, grow, thrive and if you do it right, find you OWN right way and everything will blossom… not just your relationships.
Hang in there!
Your friend,
Eddie
Thank you so much Eddie! 🙂
I can totally relate to what you are sharing here. I couldn’t agree more. It’s a quite a relief to know that I am not alone on this very sad journey I am going through. Break up is really painful but I am comforted by the fact that this pain is temporary and I shall one day come out a winner, happier and stronger. Thank you, too, Eddie for your advice. It helps me a lot.
I think the most important thing I got from this is two things: 1. You HAVE TO WANT to fall out of love. It is not easy by any means, sometimes one fears they are letting go of what is left of anything real they ever had. I was in this position for such a long time till it hit me that I was wasting my time thinking/wallowing over someone who was with someone else-sometimes you have to let go so that life really gives you waht you deserve. You have to want that change in your life. You have to embrace it. 2. Love is Mortal. As Eddie puts it-if you were in love and got out of it…then that wasn’t love. As a person you have to understand–[and appreciate] that if you still feel strongly about what you once had then that should show you the type of person you are-the person you can be. You have to contain what you feel-supress it and when the time is right focus it on the right channel. Thanks Eddie. You are a real inspiration.
Hi,
Thank you very much for your kind words and sharing your thoughts.
Your friend,
Eddie
Read the article. It has been nearly two years since my partner left. I hit rock bottom. I am much happier now by myself. I think having no contact is the key to recovery but the question for me remains. Do I still love this man? I am glad I do not feel so unhappy anymore and I marvel at the fact that I can go for periods of not thinking of him and I marvel at the fact that when I have thought of him the pain, the anger, the sadness has all but gone. I think personally keeping a no contact rule allows you to heal and that maybe (even if you have not meet anybody else) years down the line the absence of your ex and having any contact stops you from having any loving feelings left. This is what I hope for rather than the other way which is date somebody new and transfer your affections before you are completely healed.
My experience was so devastating for me that I am more than happy, more than content to be by myself. Not that I hate men far from it but I know I am not ready yet to go jumping into another relationship and you know what, it does not bother me on iota being by myself.
Hi Cherry63,
Thank you for your comment.
Yes, I complete agree to everything you’ve written.
“Do I still love my Ex?” is one of the most asked questions ever. My opinion is that we shouldn’t ask ourselves that. It puts us into a passive position.
We should rather ask ourselves whether we love ourselves more. That way we can focus on moving forward and not dwell on the past.
You are completely right not to jump into another relationship just for the sake of not being alone. It is better to find out first that there is a difference between being “alone” and being “lonely”.
Your friend,
Eddie
I’m petrified of doing it again. I’m even hostile to the notion now. The article is fine, it gives sound advice. And I have done many things and achieved quite a bit since my breakup, I am an independent soul and always will be, so that part wasn’t hard.
I still feel connected to the ex somewhat through the experience which occurred between us, primarily the connotation with our relationship and the massive hurt. And all in all I am left today, a friendly, generally upbeat chap, fiercely independent, trying new things when I can, making friends etc etc.
But with that I am also now incredibly jaded and emotionally closed off to the notion of a relationship and general affection to the opposite sex.
And it’s been…what, 2 – 2.5 years now. Time has healed the hurt, always does right. But time has also closed me off more and more with every new encounter with a girl.
Love, an emotion created (or named) by us, humans, can come in as many differing and even twisted, flawed forms, because humans can be twisted and flawed too. You can’t define it, it’s different for everyone. Do I believe you can fall out of love…yes & no. I believe that you need to understand the version of love you harbor in your soul, before you can answer that question for yourself.
@Eddie It’s Luke from that article you posted wayyyyyyyyy back in case you remember me 🙂 Nice to see how you’ve grown over the years.
Hey Luke,
So good to hear from you again, of course I remember you.
You sound really good my friend, much less angry at yourself than before…
The only way is really to forgive yourself and also her for everything that happened. No need to relive the past, that door is closed.
And once you’ve really forgiven you’ll start to slowly “like” yourself again… and that is the moment when you can and will open up again.
Yes, it’s possible that it will go wrong again, there’s never a guarantee, but at least you’ve experienced that “feeling” again… and isn’t that why we are here?
Also, you’ve learned so much, you are stronger now and you know what you want. You are NOT the person you were over two years ago…
Be brave, dare to be happy…
Your friend,
Eddie
Awesome artice! So much truth in it. I’ve been heartbroken for the first time 10 months and my recovery has been completed thanks to you and your emails. They were really helpful.
So thank you so much! I really love this article. It’s SO true!
Keep doing what you do, Eddie!
Thank you so much Diane.
I wish you all the best!
Eddie
i just came from a 3yr lived in relationship and he cheated on me.
i was unsure of giving him another chance because the pain was so bad i almost lost myself when i found about it. im totally lost and cant get over him. 8 months have passed already and im still stuck on my thoughts of him.
Great article…. You mentioned, that we will be stronger, wise, more complete.
After everything that many of us experienced, to me, I am scared that I’ll be more careful next time, not so open, and the question is, is it possible to love that much, so strong again. Am I going to be able love someone as I loved my Ex, and not being afraid that the same thing will happen again, and if it does, then what?
I know, it IS possible that I will love again, there is no question about it, it just takes time. But, will it be better, strong as it was – or will I feel the ghost of past…?
I hope that it is true what they say, that time heals everything, but I’m still wondering……
Thank you so much for your articles, I have read every one of them 🙂
Hi Vinka,
Good to hear form you again.
It is definitely possible to love again as much as you did before, but you have to consciously make the decision to do so (and pick the right time for it… not to soon after the break-up).
You have learned more about yourself and about the nature of relationships through this break-up so that you will feel more secure in the next one.
There is really no other way… it’s like driving a Porsche with brakes on… it really doesn’t make sense.
All the best,
Eddie
Hehe good methaphore… Thank you again.. Can wait for some new articles 🙂 An if you come to Croatia again, Im offering at least coffie and a tour of the city 🙂
My fiancee of almost 4 years broke up with me recently. I found a lot of help on this site and what really helped me move forward were two things:
1) Taking a long trip by myself outside the US.
2) Your detox system.
It’s been over 2 months since we broke up and about 28 of NC. I was doing ok with the NC, but I still had this feeling that I should try to reconcile in the future. Those thoughts finally stopped when I read something in your detox book. I quote: “they choose not to spend time and effort to work the issues in the relationship..”
That my friend hit me like an avalanche. It is when I realized why I was so hurt with the broken engagement a month before the wedding. It was because she abandoned me. She chose that working on our issues was not worth her time. To make it worse, at the time of the break up she admitted that she wasn’t feeling the relationship for the last year but she was a coward and didn’t bring it up until the last minute. This connects with your thoughts on why they move on so fast. And you are right, it is because they decided not to work on “loving you” way before you knew.
At the end, it was no one’s fault. I am very mature and I don’t get into that “your loss” mentality or “I will get back to you..” As much as it hurts me, she didn’t lose anything. You can’t feel a sense of loss if you are letting go something you don’t love or want. Or maybe. Anyhow, I didn’t loss anything either. The last thing I deserve is to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I deserve better.
Once things are settled, it comes down to your happiness and I can’t be happy with someone that doesn’t want to be with me.
After going through the relationship, I decided not to try to reconcile. I know in many instances, it never works. However, I know a few people that have done it and actually gotten married and went on to live happily ever after. But it comes down to two people trying and I don’t want to go out there and find out. I don’t want to take a chance and I prefer to move on and erase the pain.
Hi Marlon, I know exactly how you feel. That feeling that you know in your heart that you would have done ANYTHING for the relationship to survive, that you know you’ll fight for it until your last breath, but your partner is not even willing to take another look into it or spend another day to try & fix things with you. Been there, done that (just more than a month ago). Though it is true that she might think she loses nothing because she has let go of a person who doesn’t matter to her at all, just imagine that you have nothing to lose as well because a person who doesn’t care about you and doesn’t give a $%&* about you, does not deserve your time and love either. But you, you gain something…You have that chance and is now free to find a partner, a friend and a lover all in one and spend the rest of your life with her. 🙂
That’s exactly how I feel. I didn’t lose anything because I can’t lose what I don’t have.
You know I have come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter if I find someone or not. I am perfectly fine being alone and I find my time very enjoyable. I do miss her at times and she keeps coming up in my head but I know that it will never be the same. I changed and so did she. Like they say, I was in love with a person, but that person turned out to be someone else. That person doesn’t exist anymore. She was unhappy for over a year and waited till the last minute to tell me that she couldn’t do it. If she felt that way, what else did she hide?
In anycase, I used to go around dating and getting into this relationship hoping that I would find someone some day. Now I realize that it doesn’t matter, my life purpose is not to get married. My life purpose is bigger than that. And if someone comes along the way, great. If not, I am ok with that too. I found peace and understanding on this site. Thanks for your comment.
Marlon: “Like they say, I was in love with a person, but that person turned out to be someone else. That person doesn’t exist anymore.”- Ouch! So true. I fell in love with my own idea of love. I was so fascinated by how I wanted him to be and not by what he really is. Thank you for your insights too.
Hi Marlon,
I think that your mindset is great and that you’ve made some excellent decisions right after the break-up (as I have written in my email to you).
I know that you will be fine very soon… just hang in there!
Your friend,
Eddie
Just came across this article today. Googled “will I ever stop loving my ex” because I am looking for tools to help me with letting go. Separation was 3 years ago now, and I’m in another relationship with a wonderful man. But I think about my ex everyday. I push away this caring man because I still love the old one. Crazy
Even after a year I still have trouble getting over my ex… And it’s because I was the cheater/liar/abuser etc. I was horrible to my ex boyfriend and to this day I still regret what I had done!!!!! He had nothing but respect ad love for me and I was too busy taking advantage of what I had! Sometimes you get so caught up in your spoiled ways that you blindsided by your own faults! I had no excuse for what I did and he finally had enough and left. On one hand I’m glad he did because it made me become the amazing person I am today…..on the other hand I am envious of the happiness he shares with someone else because I didn’t give him the best side of me, which I know he deserves. When you recognize your own mistakes and your truly sorry, it’s hard to not blames yourself and move on happily! For months I would apologize and do anything I could to show he is remarkable but because I hurt him so much he looks at my apologies as a joke. I finally cut all ties with him about a year ago and I still always wonder how he’s doing and have that hopeful romantic movie “run in” with him….how do you stop blaming yourself for something an you are truly regretful about? I wanted and sometimes still want that opportunity for him to know how amazing he truly is to me and that sometimes we have to have that “wake up call” to realize what we need to change for ourselves?
Thank you Marlon for sharing your personal experience. Puts things into perspective for me again