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My Life With A Narcissist – Part 2 – What I’ve Learned

Preface from Eddie Corbano: This is the second part of Marce’s “My Life With A Narcissist” article, and if you haven’t read the first part yet, do it now – it is important that you know what Narcissists are and what they do.

This part is about how they became what they are, and what you can do if you are a victim of them… firsthand from someone who has been there. Thank you Marce!

By Marce.

The Birth Of A Narcissist

Often a Narcissist, (male or female), has experienced major trauma in their life which was devastating, to the point that it kills that person emotionally.

The pain never goes away and they “bleed” continually.

In order to survive, they build a barrier that insulates them from the external world of people, and in order to cope socially with others, they develop a FALSE PERSONA – a personality or identity which is NOT who they really are.

The wounded child inside may present as a “bad ass” or a “tough guy”… or he can play the part of the “nice fun guy” who everyone just adores.

Whatever the case may be, it is NOT the real him.

The Narc attracts devastation, pain and unhappiness into their own lives. They never get to create durable love, happiness, peace and joy.

“The Narc attracts devastation, pain and unhappiness into their own lives”

They are plagued by a large inner hole, an intense pain and anxiety within themselves, resulting in self-loathing, extreme anger and sometimes shame – they battle with their own shortcomings.

Like a junkie, they need someone or something to “take the edge off” – to give them temporary relief from the pain and intense inner torment that they continuously feel.

Usually they target people to extract “narcissistic supply” from in order to function and make them feel better about themselves.

They are professional manipulators and design their game plan to get their “junkie needs” met at any cost.

“Narcissistic supply” is their drug and they don’t care who is pushing it, as long as it makes them feel good about themselves.

The Perfect Victim Of A Narcissist – Why me?

Their ideal victims, (or hosts), are people who are emotionally generous and who allow their boundaries to be bent.

Don’t get me wrong here – there is nothing wrong with being emotionally generous, caring, loving, kind, unselfish, etc. But the Narc will take advantage of your goodness and will abuse it.

They suss people out and get a feel for who will play their game and who won’t. They target their ideal candidate and will prey on your basic need for love.

They start out charming, intoxicating and figuring out exactly how to push our buttons – almost with the cold calculation of a serial criminal.

That’s the scary part.  They know exactly what they are doing – it is not coincidence or an accident… you are selected, targeted and then “sucked in”.

How To Spot A Narcissist – The Red Flags And Warning Signs

It is not at all easy to spot a Narcissist to be honest, because all people may have one or more of these traits and that does not necessarily make them a Narc.

All I can suggest are some clues to watch out for, and more importantly to go with your gut feel – who knows better about “something not being quite right” than you yourself?

Definitely, if they appear to have ALL the characteristics listed below, then I would be almost certain that they fit into the Narcissistic category.

Some Characteristics of a Narc – things to watch out for:

  1. They lie
  2. They look down on others
  3. They refuse to take responsibility
  4. They are two-faced
  5. They can be vindictive
  6. They prefer laughing AT people than WITH them
  7. They are bullies
  8. They are very childlike
  9. They believe that no matter what happens they will prevail – because they see themselves as being invincible
  10. They believe that whatever bad things they do, they will be forgiven and will ultimately triumph
  11. They are fearless to the point of being insanely unrealistic
  12. They have persistent fantasies about attaining success, power and wealth – they are obsessed with it
  13. They are incapable of compromise and need to win
  14. They thrive on evoking reactions and emotions – whether negative or positive – both give them a “high”
  15. They cheat on their partners
  16. They are NOT capable of “real” love as normal people know it. They are more interested in being in control and feeling important and special than ever being loved by someone
  17. They manipulate people to go against their own values willingly
  18. They USE people as puppets, pawns and commodities, burning them out and then moving on to their next victim.
  19. They do not value people, do not miss them or love them because that involves bonding emotionally at various levels and the ability to bond is MISSING

The Solution – How I Reclaimed My Power

Narcissus from Caravaggio [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Here’s what you do: when he goes missing in action, you simply do too. Fall off the face of the earth if you have to.

I went into no contact, but I pined for him and was desperate to know if he missed me, if he would come back.

How bad was I that he felt the need to run away?

We never fought, no slinging off matches, the breakup/dumping was not ugly in any way, we never, ever said things to each other that was of a derogatory nature or hurtful in any way, (we are both mature in years).

So the dumping was done with very few CRYPTIC words/sentences from his side. From my side, I was dumbfounded and in disbelief, and pretty much kept silent through the whole ordeal.

We did get back together, but once again it was short lived for the very same reasons as above.

So I went back into no contact and researched some more – I kept going until I came across information on Narcissists. That’s when everything fell into place for me.  I finally understood what I was dealing with and what I was up against.

Some of the things I learned is that he could NOT have loved me, he could NOT have cared that much about me. IF and WHEN he ever comes back, or makes contact out of the blue, it’s only because his new supply has also caught onto his game, or she is not as good of a supply as I was.

Maybe he was bored with her, like he was with me, and just wants to test the waters to see if he still has control over me.

I was the “vehicle” for him to thrive on – like a flea or a maggot. If you pick a flea off a dog, does the flea miss the dog?

The flea only misses its blood supply and soon finds another host and victim.

And so this relationship pattern will continue throughout the life of a Narc.

It is such a sad state of affairs that we were drawn into this sick game, don’t you think?!

I know I am being harsh because we all want to believe that the Narc misses us and loves us and cares about us. After all, we did bend over backwards for him. We became emotional contortionists.

But the truth is, we are yesterday’s newspaper.

This was the hardest thing for me to swallow when I first heard it, but it’s true.

“He values the attention of total strangers more than the attention you gave him.”

This is so very true looking back now.

One thing you can be 100% certain of – he is UNABLE to truly give you what you want or deserve – a whole, healthy, secure, loving and transparent relationship.

What If You Want Him Back Anyways?

I understand that you may be thinking that you can change him now that you have read all of this, and know who and what he is.

That is just magical thinking.

“But remember, he has ALREADY given it all up and thrown it all away by dumping you!”

I also understand that you feel invested in your Narc and cannot bear the idea of just “giving up” on him or “throwing it all away”.

But remember, he has ALREADY given it all up and thrown it all away by dumping you – maybe even more than once? So this is where you have to have some pride, as well as respect his decision.

Some of you may be selling yourself short, and then bargaining with yourself saying, “I’d rather have him on some level than not have him at all”.

Don’t settle for less than you deserve.

When someone rejects you and the relationship by dumping you, don’t attempt to change his mind. Any further contact with your Narc will just be a re-run of past events, except this time, you KNOW the ending.

Perhaps you want him back for different reasons though?

Maybe you want him back so you can get revenge. You want to get the final word in because this will make you feel back in control.

I fully understand the satisfaction and closure this may give you, but at the end of the day it is a total waste of your time. He will not listen to you anyway.

He certainly won’t apologize and acknowledge that he was wrong in any way, or that he has a mental problem.

So what are your options?

To be miserable, abused and discarded at whim? Or to be happy and content, in a secure and loving relationship with someone who adores you and cares about you?

Keep reminding yourself that all he really offered you was insecurity, paranoia, anxiety, depression, and deception – and made you feel awful about yourself.

My suggestion is that you make a conscious choice to not have this person in your life because his behaviour is NOT okay.

No contact, no engagement with him, is essential.

Going no contact is NOT to make him miss you or long for you, but rather to give YOU – “the victim” – relief, space, time to do some research, time to heal, time to move on and time to get your sanity back.

That is why NC is so crucial.  It will allow you the time you need to separate the thoughts in your head with the feelings in your heart.

You need to get YOU back.

How long will this take?

I cannot answer that. No one can.

It may take 30 days, it may take a year or longer – who knows?

But I do know one thing though – when you get yourself back, what your ex is doing will become irrelevant.

It just won’t matter what he is doing, why he is doing it or who he is doing it with.

And I believe you WILL get your sanity back eventually.

Don’t spend your precious time trying to create sanity out of insanity. You will one day look back on all of this and say, “I will never give him the chance to hurt and abuse me again!”.

No Contact Obstacles – The Problems You Will Face

While you are going through no contact, (which was and still is an extremely painful time for me), think about this for a minute or two:

If you break no contact, will you be able to handle:

  • no response?
  • rejection?
  • being ignored?
  • being told stay out of his life?
  • being called a stalker?
  • him blocking you from his social media permanently?
  • having him mess up your mental and emotional state again?

If the answer is “NO” to any of the above, then you are not ready to break no contact… and may NEVER be.

But that’s okay, trust me.

The very first day of him discarding, (dumping), you, how did you feel that day?

I know I cried, had a panic attack, perspired profusely, could hardly breathe, had this heavy yet empty feeling inside my gut, no appetite, got into bed and just did not want to see or speak to anyone or do anything… for days and weeks.

I say breaking no contact with your Ex-Narc will take you straight back to that day!

Don’t purposely go and break your heart again.

Besides, what good will come of it? Will you finally get your answers?

“Breaking no contact with your Ex-Narc will take you straight back to your worst day”

I say nothing good will come of it, and I also say that IF your Ex wants to contact you to reconcile, they know exactly how to get hold of you.

So despite what I have said here and what you have read elsewhere, I know you are thinking, “I will give it some time, and then I will break no contact… because I want him back!”

So why do you want him back?

You deserve better than what he was offering you – he is just an emotional vampire anyway.

However, I know you want him back, and you are longing for him, and you feel you are going to do things differently this time around, etc. (all the things I thought and felt too).

But when you do break No Contact, (and there is a great chance you will – I did), and also if HE breaks No Contact, here is a tip:

Make sure you are ready, emotionally and mentally, for him – you must be strong and be in control of you. The moment he sees or senses a weakness, you are giving control back to him.

Don’t let your guard down, stand your ground and make sure you are ready, (whichever contact form it may be in).

I say this because it is absolutely necessary for your sanity and dignity. I don’t want you to become a crutch until your Ex-Narc moves on without you again… and he WILL.

Ask yourself if he is worth it. What are the chances he will do this again?

Now act accordingly – either give him that second chance and be prepared to get hurt again, or DON’T respond at all.

You “returning to the fold” is HIS triumph, not yours. Once again, you are just proving his superiority and irresistibility.

He will always test your boundaries in order to give him the upper hand.

Also, remember no one loves competing more than men, because generally they want what they can’t have. So make it hard for him to get you back and KEEP you.

People place a high value on something they have to work for.

Take control, and move things forward in your way, at your own pace, not his.

In Conclusion

I will admit I miss my ex very much and often think about him, but I am now okay with that.

I am okay with that because I accept the fact that we are over and can never be a couple again.

I will never stop loving him completely – he will always hold a special place in my heart.

I don’t know what he is doing now, or what he did a month ago, and it no longer concerns me because he is no longer in my life.

I often wonder what it would be like if we ever DID get back together again. I think it would be like walking on eggshells.  I would mistrust everything he told me, I would be coming from a place of love and would need lots of reassurance.  But to him, I would be nothing more than a void to be filled until he finds another supply.

And quite frankly, I DON’T want to live like that anymore.

I know it is very, very hard, especially if you loved him with your whole being, (heart and soul), but you have to push through it and things will get better.

I now take things one day at a time. I don’t look too far ahead, and try never to look back.

You are special and without question can do better.

409 Responses to My Life With A Narcissist – Part 2 – What I’ve Learned

  1. David May 22, 2015 at 11:46 pm #

    Hi Don,

    Thanks for the reply and the comments, glad your doing well too. Well mine returned after 11 months completley unnanounced. But during that time i had done a ton of research into her behaviour. I was even lucky enough to talk to one of her ex partners during that period who told me about the abuse he had been subjected too.
    And before i got the word in he said that she was a narc…..that was a magical moment to hear that a former partner had come to the same conclusion.
    And even with all this compelling evidence it still had a devastating affect on me.
    Well i gave her both barrels and told her everyting last November. i even told her about speaking to her ex and the tales of abuse he had told me…..the cat was out of the bag, she knew i had her number and that i had sussed the situation out.
    Apparently they hate it when you expose them……so i dont think i will hear from her again. Even though i got badly damaged i have realised i was too strong and smart for her and knowing that has given me some strength back. I am a great guy…..all i wanted was a loving partner….i did my best but regardless of what you do, it will never be good enough not ever no matter who you are. I feel so sorry for her daughter.

  2. bees June 28, 2015 at 12:58 am #

    Hi,thanks for this article that really makes me feel a lot better about my breakup.

    I was with a guy for two months and we were very connected and very into each other when suddenly he dumped me, saying he was not interested in a relationship. I didn’t hear from him for two weeks and he came back out of the blue, and said he had a really bad date and realized he was thinking about me the whole time and that he had been a jerk. That I was helping him find his center, getting better and being himself again… etc.

    During that time I moved to the other coast for an internship, and he started calling me, texting me every day, he was skyping me over and over again and he even came to visit me for a week, told me he loved me, asked me to be his girlfriend, talked about me to his family, introduced me to them etc…

    he was really loving and caring, but still very obsessed with himself and his own image all the time, which at the time I didn’t really saw as worrying. He had just gotten out of a six years relationship and showed no sadness or regrets, which was very peculiar, I would ask him about it very often. It seemed like he never had negative feelings. Everything slipped on him.

    I was very vulnerable because I was in a foreign country, looking for a job, which slowly turned into job hunting in the city where he lives, cause we both wanted to be close to each other. I went to visit him for a few days and one week after I got back, he dumped me again, out of the blue, saying he couldn’t commit, when I was really deep into this job thing and really far away from home, and I realized he had made me very dependent.

    After he left me he never once asked how I was. I went back to France, it’s been one month now and he is not at all interested in whatever I’m going through, he told me he is very happy now and very relieved… This was a real shock as he went from 100 to 0 in a blink. It really brought me down for a while but he wasn’t really helping. He almost hung up on me before I boarded on the plane to France because he was “out with friends and really hungry”. I couldn’t believe it. For a while I wondered what I had done wrong to deserve such a bad treatment. Now I’ve had therapy and realized it’s not at all my fault. Some people are like that, and there’s nothing we can do to save them.

    Thanks again for this article. It really helps!

  3. pamela011 June 28, 2015 at 3:34 pm #

    That was truly awful what that jerk put you through. Traumatic. The guy’s surely a narcissist and sociopath. I hope you’re feeling better now. Take care

  4. Jale August 10, 2015 at 1:41 pm #

    You could have been writing my story. Only I stayed eight years, was physically abused during that time, and I am the one who finally packed up and moved out (after a particularly bad beating). This article has probably helped me see exactly what I have been doing, to myself, by allowing all boundaries to be crossed, by allowing and accepting his bad behavior, by losing all sense of myself over the eight years we were together. It is hard to accept that I was ever that stupid and blind. I have a lot of anger, but mostly toward myself. Thank you for helping me gain some acceptance and having the courage to post this article. I know that I will live through this and come out on the other side a stronger person. It is hard now, but I know it will get better. I am looking forward to that day, when I can shed this anger, forgive myself, and move forward without these shackles.

  5. Lily August 10, 2015 at 4:48 pm #

    Hi, thanks for the article. I’ve been doing some research online to see if my ex is a Narc and manipulator because I always thought I was wrong and he was mostly right in our relationship until he broke up with me.
    I’d like some advice on this from you and thank you very much!

    As a Narc, he always says girls like him, trying to hit on him wherever he goes. He says he can tell when a girl is interested in him. When I tell him I don’t like to hear this he would say “Don’t you like a boyfriend who’s attractive to people but he’s only yours?” Then I had nothing to say…
    Second, he thinks most people are stupid. He didn’t have a gf for 5 years before dating me, his explanation was “They are stupid.” And at first I felt I was special cuz he says I’m smart and different but now that I look back, I think it’s problematic. He really thinks many people are stupid and he even said to me about how stupid my friends were. He also said he used to sleep with a lot of women to show he has the power in college because as someone who wants to be the president of US, sleeping with many women also show his strength.
    Third, at the same time when he’s saying people are stupid behind their back, he has good conversation with them. When I ask him sometimes about a person he seems to hold a good convo with, he says “I don’t really like her, she’s boring.” And he lies to his friends about stuff, if he doesn’t wanna go somewhere, rather than saying “I don’t feel like it” he’d make up a lie saying why he couldn’t go. So many times of this, I said once that I think sometimes he’s kinda hypocritical then he got so hurt and said “if you think I’m like this what’s the point to be with me? My biggest merit is honesty.”(And his friends do say that, I don’t know if I’m wrong.)
    Fourth, he has a very distant relationship with his family. His parents are divorced recently, he said he doesn’t like the fact his father left his mother, but also he thought his mother is too weak. He doesn’t normally contact his family members, if he does, it’s via emails, never through phone or video chat (cuz they are not in the same country right now.) He doesn’t like to talk about his family too much although I told him my family issues etc.
    Fifth, he wants to become the president of US so much and he says he will do whatever it takes to get there which means maybe he will sacrifice his relationship/family etc. Although he says he wants to do that because he wants to have the power to help people, however he at the same time says “I want to help people in general, but I feel individuals can be very stupid.”
    Sixth, he really likes to debate on every single thing. When I want to do the “agree to disagree” thing, he’d say “well, I can’t because your opinion is just stupid.” And he likes to debate with other people too and he told me that’s how American people think and talk (I’m from Asia). Apparently he did not want to respect my way of thinking…
    Seventh, he kept calling me crazy, immature, overreacting etc. when I got upset, and when I asked him not to label me, he said “Then how do I point out your problem?” Gradually, I felt I was insane, I felt I was all these things he said about me. I talked less to my friends and his friends because I felt they are all on his side.
    He seems so perfect, he’s really confident about himself, and he’s going to a top IVY league school soon for MPA, I’m going to another IVY league school but I always felt I’m stupid and far less capable than he is. Before I felt I deserved it, now I feel it’s my luck. I don’t like to socialize with soooo many people bc it’s not my nature, but he does, then he’d say “You should be able to do that, that’s how you know people and be successful”. For a long time, I had no self-esteem. He always had a way to make me feel everything was my fault, he’d admit his fault too but then he’d say we both need to work on our own problems. He literally once said in our relationship 80% of problem was caused by me and 20% by him because I argued too much…sometimes even when he started the argument he could easily turn it into my fault…
    I don’t know if I’m just blinded by those things or am I telling a one-side story bc I don’t want to do him wrong but I do feel there was something wrong with him that I didn’t even notice.

    Now we are leaving for different cities soon, he broke up with me one month before we leave, saying “We won’t work out, and there is no time to fix it (due to LDR)”. I feel used. After this long time he’s been in my country, I helped him with so many things when he simply said he couldn’t speak my language so he couldn’t do it. Then he said “I still love you, I want to be with you but I just know we won’t work out.” “I’d like to remain friends bc I want to help you to be successful” And he threw me like trash when I needed some help for my new life in the US right now…

    I started NC 11 days ago, telling him that if he doesn’t want me back don’t contact me bc I need to move on. He didn’t contact me ever since. I feel so wronged, sometimes I just want to tell him that he did wrong to me and I wasn’t always the mistake maker but I know it’s pointless…
    I secretly want him back, but I also know he’s no good for me. I wanna know if I was with a Narc and manipulator so at least next time I can make better choice…
    Please help.

    • Sandra August 11, 2015 at 10:04 pm #

      Hello, Lily: I’ve been broken up for several years now and feel quite recovered, so I don’t really post here anymore. I still see the posts in my email inbox. I got a lot of help from this site, and I hope that you do, too. Your post compelled me to reply.

      First, I am so sorry for your pain. I know that it hurts like hell, and you are going through it right now. Know that it IS possible to recover from all of this, and you will. Most of us go through a few devastating occurrences in life, so don’t despair. Chalk it up to how life goes, ok? It will pass–and it will pass faster if you get support, especially face-to-face support, as well as online forums. Not sure how long you were with this man. Less is often more during a break-up; that is, if you were with him for a short while, you can recover more quickly because you have less invested. However, that isn’t a hard and fast rule. Sometimes, someone comes into your life for half-a-minute and wreaks total havoc.

      Your ex sounds like a narc. The total self-absorption, his disregard for others, his grandiosity, the blame-shifting are all “narc markers.” He doesn’t sound a bit empathetic either. That’s the main thing–lack of empathy for others. And when he gives you the line that he loves you, but doesn’t think that it’ll work out–that’s the worst. It sounds robotic…like a throw-away line. And who the heck is this guy, telling you that he’s going to help you succeed? What about love? What about YOUR definition of success?? You deserve far more than this awful man. I don’t care if he DOES become President of the USA (fat chance). . .who’d want to be married to him? Most politicians are HIGH on the narcissism scale. Their spouses can keep them. Your ex is like a preacher-type–many of them are also narcs. They want to help people and save people, too, and some of them are dreadful at home. Nice.

      You HAVE been wronged, my dear, and I know that you want him back. I wanted mine back, too. But they are toxic–like dipping yourself into the polluted Animus River in Colorado. Don’t do it. Don’t, don’t, don’t. You’ll feel many unpleasant things as a result of disengaging from this man, but you won’t feel the worst pain of all–that of having betrayed your very self by returning to a poisonous person.

      I am a MUCH older person than you are–old enough to be your mom. Listen to mom here: you are YOUNG, and you will have MANY more chances. You’ll be smarter as a result of this situation, IF you let it teach you the things that you need to know about self-confidence, self-respect, and firm boundaries. . . All of these things are important in a relationship, and a good man–or woman–will respect them. If you bump into another jerk like your ex, you’ll see the signs and send him packing fast. Ok? So, stay the course, and stay NC. If he REALLY wanted you, he’d be back on bended knee, which he isn’t doing. Don’t send out any breadcrumbs trying to get him on your trail. If you do, you’ll just be postponing the inevitable. This sort of person doesn’t change. He’s already told you who he is.

      Lily, I am sending you love and strength through cyberspace. You can do this. . . Bless your precious heart as you move forward.

      • J January 28, 2016 at 9:27 pm #

        Sandra,

        I know you wrote this response to someone else and you wrote it a number of months ago, but I hope you get this message. Your reply really touched me at a time when I really need it.

        I have known that I have been involved with a narcissist for years. I didn’t know the first year. I didn’t even really know that this type of person existed. Our relationship was amazing at first, but then I started catching on to things. I started finding out about other women and his lies and falsifications. I started to see his egotistical self, yet I stayed. It has been over four years now.

        I left after the first year – distraught and heartbroken. The push and pull broke me. I felt so lost. Three long months after I left, (I still did not know the real him), he came back and said everything I dreamed he would. He was in therapy and he seemed to really be growing. We took trips and I fell so much deeper in love with this man. It was a beautiful couple months, but soon enough he started showing signs of wear again. He started breaking down. He did not even look good. In less than a year, he broke up with me, stating he could not commit no matter how hard he tried and he was really struggling with himself.

        2 months after this breakup he contacted me again saying how much he missed me and cared for me. Shortly after this I found out he had been dating someone else and I am almost sure it overlapped with me. I called him on it and he had to admit it. He stated that it was a reaction to our breakup and he made a mistake. He drew me in somehow and played with me all summer while still entertaining this other woman.

        I was broken. I was like a dead person walking. Every single day was painful. I was either trying to get his attention or crying alone in my bed. I finally decided to walk away – again.

        Like clockwork, two months later he tracked me down at an event and convinced me to go out with him afterwards. We spent the night together with him telling me over and over how I was the one for him and he does not want to live without me. I fell again. By Christmas, I caught him with someone else – the same woman from before. I lost it. He groveled and pleaded and guess what? I GAVE IN.

        I let it go on like this for another YEAR. Which brings me to today. I decided to move across the country in September. This decision was partly because of him and partly because of circumstances. He did not like me leaving at all even though we were not together. He ended up visiting only 3 or 4 weeks after I moved. We spent a beautiful weekend together and he made many promises to me. Promptly after he left I felt a palpable shift. I was heartbroken and empty. I went into NC and it took him getting one of his staff to call me and ask me to come work for him over the holidays for me to give in. In four years he had never asked that! Now I am across the country and suddenly he wants me that close? Since then I’ve let the communication go on, on and off. Each time with me feeling more and more hurt. I just wanted him to tell me to come back and change and make everything right.

        He makes me feel like if I had stayed in my hometown things would have been different between us. 3 weeks ago he asked to visit again. Like a fool, I arranged it. Then, my gut just took over. I couldn’t do it. I knew he was up to whatever he was always up to and I cancelled the trip and blocked him on everything. It has been like that until today. I have had a sinking feeling all week and today I called him.

        He basically told me to get lost in not so nice words and hung up. I know he has probably tried to reach me a thousand times since I blocked him and he is angry. I somehow convinced myself talking to him just one more time would makes things ok. I know better. I am a strong, smart and beautiful 25 year-old girl. I have an amazing family and a network of supportive friends but I continue to be sucked into this cycle that always leads to my despair. How could I contact him today?

        I loved this man with every ounce of my being. He was my first everything and I cannot seem to make myself whole again. I thought this time I was really going to do it and I just let myself down.

        I don’t know what to do anymore.

  6. Vintage - Victoria August 13, 2015 at 6:31 pm #

    Sandra, thanks for posting your thoughts . I am in the same space as you. It’s been 3 years since NC. I thought I could not survive the sadness or loneiness – yet, I did and I’m happier for it! You are right, our experience with the NARC life is a lesson to take into the future. The bad juju gives us a sixth sense about relationships and our selves. I will never let a person walk all over me or be my moon, sun, and stars! I’ll be my own hero..

    • Sandra August 13, 2015 at 7:46 pm #

      Thank you Vintage-Victoria for responding. . . Nope, no can do for people who give me a bad vibe. And it does take a while to recover fully. A friend of mine asked me recently if my ex had yet left my body. What a great question!!! That’s exactly what happens. People–not just narcs, but anyone whom we’ve loved deeply–lodge themselves in our bodies. Letting go of them takes time—until one day you look back, and you see that they no longer live with you. I have to say that this only happened to me this year, which isn’t surprising, as I was with him for well over a decade. I spent more than two years lugging his corpse around!

      I’m glad you got there, too, V-V. . . I applaud you. It isn’t an easy road. But it’s a common one. We’re not alone. You’re here. . I’m here . . Eddie Corbano’s here. . . and there are people all around us who have endured similar sorrows–even worse ones. A break-up isn’t the worst thing that can happen in life, but it IS life-changing. We get through it, and we learn.

      Sending you my best wishes for your bright future!!!

  7. DTJ August 20, 2015 at 2:11 pm #

    The same themes come through -Trust, fidelity, lies, arguments, manipulation, play acting and for me, flash in the pan clues that my narc would drop into conversation, then endeavouring to cover-up with humour! Listen to your gut and trust your first response. My narc was needy initially (and honest about this) in debt, de-motivated but agreed to therapy and was categorically told he was pathetic and stuck in an immature phase of life. THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE. You must treat them like children -Boundaries and always follow-through on a threat to leave. They are two-faced so don’t be surprised if they bad mouth you when they don’t get their way. Dealing with real life is something they can’t do so leach from YOU! My question is, after the truth comes out, can you ever really be ‘friends’?

  8. Lynn September 2, 2015 at 5:13 pm #

    I experienced a breakup with such a person over 23 years ago. We dated 6 months. The last time I saw him at his boat-six women showed up and he took out the boat so they could water ski. He ignored my requests to return to shore such that I could use the restroom. He didn’t ask me if I wanted to leave the dock in the boat. I felt peace about never seeing him again. I enrolled in college courses.

    He contacted me about a month later. I met him and he had nothing to say. I told him I was busy going to college and didn’t have time to date. I left without him saying a word. I was single living alone and experienced someone picking my locks to gain entrance everywhere I moved. Every entry door promptly had latch bolts added. He brought his son to trick or treat to my doorstep ( I didn’t realize it was him until later). Coworkers asked me if I had any problems living alone-I told them what I was experiencing. I thought there question was odd. Later coworkers informed me that the person who was breaking in worked there. I thought this was even odder. I was shopping at the market and was accosted and solicited by someone. I found a friendly coworker and began a conversation with him on the basis that someone was bothering me. I told people at work a crazy person bothered me at the market and this friendly coworker gave me some peace.

    My supervisor told me there was something going on that put me on the top of the layoff list that I could not control. I thought this keeps getting odder. I searched the email address list and found he worked there. I called his extension and asked when he started working there. He would not answer and acted like he was upset I contacted him. My mail was stolen out of my mailbox and the police officer told me the perpetrator said it had nothing to do with me personally. I thought this is getting even odder. I installed a locking mailbox.

    I continuously bothered by different men at Costco, Meijer, etc. all calling me a Camaro. This is the model of the car I drove when I dated him. Someone at work asked informed me he didn’t know how I would respond if I was told that he left me for someone he thought was better and found out later they weren’t. A different person at work drew a picture of where his boat was docked at metro beach while remaining mute. My mail was stolen out of the locking mailbox. A coworker who shared my cube told me about someone stating that he stole my mail again and liked it-probably skilled at lock picking. One week later another coworker mentioned stalking. Another week later I was laid off.

    An inside call came in to my desk at work when I answered I found it was him. He asked me if I was being laid off. I told him I prefer it when we are not talking and hung up. I was still being called a Camaro by various men at the market shopping during work hours. I purchased a cell phone detector to detect a gps tracker on my vehicle. I haven’t been bothered shopping since. I hope this is over. I doubt it is.
    They don’t change

    • Sandra September 3, 2015 at 4:26 pm #

      Wow. . . this is profound harassment and profoundly creepy. I hope that it’s over, too–especially after all of these years.

      • Lynn May 4, 2016 at 7:28 pm #

        Thanks for calling it like it is. Coercing sex, stalking, bad mouthing, stealing mail, breaking & entering is a real long shot from the boy next door. He recently told one of my friends he was just trying to get me to a state of erotica and he is going to stop. I will have to contact him first if I am lonely for him – which won’t happen. I also think my friend is now a frenemy, because, she believed him. I think I finally won the battle. I hope the same for all who post here!

  9. SC September 27, 2015 at 11:54 am #

    This was a very interesting read, thank you! I have been finding it very helpful reading through other peoples experiences to try and understand my own and move past it.

    My own experience with a narcissist was my partner of 6 years (on and off) and the father of my daughter. I think the relationship was doomed from the beginning but I wanted it to work so badly I completely lost myself in the process. I fell pregnant very quickly and even when he broke up with me because I refused to abort our daughter I still tried my best to get him back, and he did but even now he says to me although he loves our daughter he has always and will always resent me for having her, which is disgusting. He broke up with me numerous times over the years, decided he wanted to be single, would go do whatever for weeks or months then come back and say he missed his family and wanted to try again, and each and every time I would and that meant dealing with what he had done and who he had been with every time too.

    At our last and final break up 5 months ago, I was a shell of my former self. He would berate me every day and tell me I looked better before having our daughter when at most I put on 5kgs the entire 6 years we were together, he would scoff and look me up and down when I would tell him to stop calling me fat. He would get angry if I ate ANYTHING after dinner. He would get drunk and angry and come home and verbally abuse me calling me every name you could think of. He would say I was lazy and useless if the house wasn’t spotless every day and it never was as we have a young daughter plus other kids that come and stay, and I have a thyroid disease which makes me extremely fatigued. He would always blame me for his moods, and I never knew what they would be, it was walking on eggshells every day. If I ever disagreed with him or told him he was anything other than perfect he would clam up and refuse to talk to me. He would yell at me about the most mundane things and criticize everything I did. He would control everything including money. The final straw came when he gave me a black eye for letting the heatpump installers place the heatpump in the ‘wrong’ spot (according to him) in our living room.

    I have now broken away from him and the change in me was amazing. I no longer have to come home wondering what type of mood he is in and whether I had to shut up that day or not. I am slowly getting better but he has tried, several times this time around to convince me to go back. And in very hurtful ways. He knew I was worried about him moving on with someone and he lied to me and told me he couldn’t even think about that. He is now moving in with someone he met 2 weeks after I ended it, and along every step he has tried to hurt me as much as possible. I have been trying to tell myself this is just a rebound and I have no doubt it is, as he was still contacting me 3 weeks into his official relationship with her telling me he wanted to come back, so I stopped contact and it was great. He contacted me yesterday and already I have had to implement the NC rule again as he couldn’t help himself and was bombarding me with messages saying how much happier he is with this new person etc. All words designed to hurt me.

    I hope I can get through this and reading articles like this really does help, as does having a place to vent to people who are going through/have gone through the same issues. So thank you.

  10. Kris October 6, 2015 at 4:13 am #

    I also was in a 1yr relationship with a narc. I has also dated this man a couple of other times in my younger years. His behaviour was always off, but being young I thought that was normal. Over the years he would always contact me every now and then out of the blue. He would call me at home or work. I was in a long-term relationship with the father of my children at the time and had no interest, until he contacted me after we had decided to finally part ways.
    I was the worst year of my life! Here are just some of the things I dealt with…
    name calling, beaten on, spit on, dozens of phone calls all day from him while he was at work…where are you? who are you with? what are you doing? checked my cell phone constantly, he would come up with these bizzare stories, almost like hallucinations/paranoid…yelling and screaming at me when I would tell him they never happened. He did this to me so often, I thought I was losing my mind and he was very good and convincing me that these were true.
    He had a key for my place, I would wake up to him sitting beside me on the bed staring at me in the wee hours of the morning on his was to work.
    He did not want me to have contact with my friend or my mother.
    I could sit here for hours on end as I still have all these nightmares placed in the back of my head. I could have taken the physical abuse anyday over the verbal and mental abuse.
    I loved this man with all of my heart. That was 4yrs ago, NC at all. It took me 3yrs to put my life back together and I have a new relationship with a wonderful man, I’ve been with for a year in a half.
    A week ago my nightmare paid me a visit a work. He’s been calling me none stop wants us to start “fresh”. We will have this amazing relationship. He told me he has been thinking about this day (of coming back) for a while, he has always something for me. He came into my work again today talking to me.
    I’m feeling so volunerable, scared and soooo confused.

  11. J October 20, 2015 at 11:11 pm #

    I am so glad I stumbled upon this. I was dumped (twice) by my ex who I can see was a narc. Part 1, it was like I was reading a story about me and my experiences. It made me cry but opened up my eyes. When you are in that situation; you do not see it for what it is. I showed my friend this article today, and asked him to be honest, was my relationship with my ex like this. He said it described him to a tee. They could see it from the outside and I couldn’t.

    Thank you for normalising that it’s ok to miss him. Because i desperately do. He has a new gf now, he is different with her, he even moved for her. But he made the same promises for me; only he actually followed through with them for her. It’s hard to see it. I struggle everyday. Every guy I’ve dated since does not compare even though I don’t want them to be them to be the same, but I miss being treated like the princess I was… Before it all went wrong anyway.

    I’m so glad I found this; and I will keep reading this to remind me when I have dark days. Thank you.

    • Sandra October 21, 2015 at 4:38 pm #

      J – I am sorry for your pain. It DOES get better–a lot better. The new gf will learn, too. These narcs don’t much change. I have noticed, though, that as they get older and their desperation increases, they CAN become more compromising, especially if they stand to gain. It’s hard not to take these compromises and adjustments personally because they didn’t do it for us. But it’s not a reflection on us. Honor your feelings, as you are doing, and keep stepping forward, and you will be surprised where life will lead you. Eventually, you will click with a guy. That doesn’t happen everyday–at least not to normal people. Wishing you the very best as you move forward.

  12. Jeff October 22, 2015 at 8:16 pm #

    I must say after reading this article I fit into the category very well. I do not believe the fact that people cannot change is valid though. If someone truley has regret about the way the relationship ended and knows the damage they have done while at the same time deep down, where only the feeling of true love resides is in their heart, once their wrongdoing becomes so apperant they can realize it through and through if given one final chance could harness all the evil done and actually turn it into five times as much love and appreciation. The damage done before can never be taken away but with the right chance can only be overpowered by true love. People can and do change everyday. They can overcome their own personal problems blocking their true self. I know because I am in this transition now. When I reached my lowest point and begged God to takeaway the barriers and blocks in my brain and let my true unfiltered sole shine it became clear. Once all the hatered, uncertainty and controlling ideas that are simply false are removed all that remains is pure love to give. I have always had this love inside but couldn’t use it through all the toxic waste contaminating my body. I realize now how stupid and selfish my every action was before and if given the final chance know without doubt that love would not be wasted a second longer and could right the wrongs. If we believe people can never change then where’s the hope? Where’s all the indescribable pieces that make up what true love is made from? I lost my hope and faith many years ago but thanks to my faith being restored when I am not worthy for it my hope and joy has returned stronger than I could ever imagine and is begging to be seen. I know this to be true because I do understand that major damage was done and my own feelings are not the only involved as I so carelessly did before. I had my chances and wasted every single one. I know in my heart I would never hurt her again but do not expect or honestly deserve the opportunity again and must respect that and live with it for the rest of my days. It will not go wasted though as my children and family members deserve the same good man I I never could be with her even as bad as I thought I wanted to. I wasn’t ready in that point of my life yet and will take the pain caused from hers and try only to create a better place as Jesus intended. This is everything I can do as a decent person from now forward. I will not forget the past or try to dumb down the pain I’ve caused. I must carry it to remind me exactly what is not true love

  13. Efraim K December 10, 2015 at 9:05 pm #

    I’ve read this article over the past two days during my 10th break-up with someone whose behavior appears to fit the narcissist model. I had come across previously the clinical definition for narcissistic personality disorder, but do not place much stock in modern clinical psychology’s pathologizing of what may be natural variation in human behavior. In any given culture, there are ways people are expected to behave, and there are unusual–even extreme–behavioral patterns. That the latter may be unpleasant doesn’t to me argue those who exhibit them are “ill.” The best way I’ve ever heard it put was by a New York University professor of psychiatry who eschewed the contemporary focus on biology in cognitive sciences’ attempts to understand mental “diseases”–assumed aberrant structures and function of the brain, and *resulting* behaviors. This shrewd professor asserts that just as a computer may be in perfect working order but its programming may not fit with the tasks at hand, so a person’s brain may be perfectly sound but the combination of her/his particular ways of thinking and behaving may make her/him “socially maladaptive.” That phrasing resonates with my own mistrust of the hypotheses of modern clinical psychology–both the assumption that the brain must be abnormal to manifest “abnormal” (so perceived) behavior, and separately the empirically unsubstantiated theses of particular emotional-behavioral disorders themselves.

    I don’t mean to ramble. But being reasoning social animals aware of ourselves as distinct individuals, it’s inevitable that significant conflicts will arise between the ways some of us see the world and choose to behave and what others of us expect as “normal.” I do not believe it serves the accumulation of objective knowledge to formalize as pathological behaviors that are extreme relative to the ways the majority of us behave. Instead, I’d opt to recognize that among the very many broad variations in human cognition and behavior, some behavioral conformations will be so extreme–though still natural–that those exhibiting them will be, to use the phrasing of the NYU professor of psychiatry referenced above, socially maladapted. There is a great gulf separating “maladapted” from “pathological,” as the former depends on the interaction with the external–the current culture and values, while the latter denotes some fundamental disease state, which, contrary to much of clinical psychology’s assumptions, tends to be rigorously empirically unevidenced in many of psychology’s ever expanding catalog of “mental diseases.”

    Narcissism, to be sure, frustrates our contemporary consensus of what constitutes healthy, mutually satisfying relationships. When someone places a premium on her or his wishes even at the expense of others–especially those very close to her or him, this naturally creates the potential for grave emotional problems, as the article above outlines. I agree with the author that such a relationship tends to be far too painful for most of us, myself included, to endure, and so it’s wiser, for self preservation, to abandon the relationship. But that is a very different assertion from one that states as fact that the narcissist is “sick,” or that particular events in the narcissist’s past precipitated her or his worldview and way of behaving. There is evidence from developmental biology that early life events–from as early as the interaction between a mother, specifically, and her newborn infant–profoundly affect neural architecture in the growing infant, and consequently both the future child’s self-perception and social integration. But these are rudimentary empirical findings, not a robust model of cognitive and social development. I mean that assertions about illness in adults and past life events that must have brought about the illnesses are chiefly speculative, and don’t serve objective, reliable knowledge.

    I would love to feel the narcissistic individual I have failed to stay away from (my failure and irresponsibility, I wholly own) is “ill,” and that I am entitled to the “better” the above article’s author mentions several times. But there is no convergent, convincing molecular, neurological, or robust clinical evidence substantiating any illness in people whose behavior the rest of us consider narcissistic. They are very different, and for most of us very unpleasant. But their behavior may simply be a natural variant of human behavior. Moreover, despite popular psychology’s apparent assumption that every human being is entitled to “love,” there doesn’t appear any natural, biological principle to substantiate this. Yes, being loved feels good and we know clinically is associated with physiological and even survival advantages. But that doesn’t at all argue that anyone is entitled to love. That seems a trivial statement, but I feel it is crucial because the expectation that something that life cannot guarantee must happen for us can worsen greatly the frustration we feel when such a thing doesn’t. Yes, feeling entitled to something may motivate us to work harder to make it come true. But in the case of winning others’ affection, there is much popular evidence, at least, that for very many the expect-work-to-realize model just doesn’t work.

    I’m sorry for this long, tedious comment. But after reading the article over the past two days, and agreeing with the emotional outrage the author expresses, yet nonetheless sensing potentially obfuscatory assumptions underlying the author’s assessment, I felt compelled to address two separate phenomena: the tendency modern clinical psychology (and its popular fall out) has to pathologize certain natural though statistically rare variations in human conceptualization and behavior, and also the tendency very many of us have to expect life events that may be either (or both) evanescent or rarer than our cultural values and depictions lead us to believe–such as being “loved.” Continually expecting something that may be either rare or of short duration, I suspect, can lead to chronic frustration, or at least exacerbate it. And calling “illness” natural, though unpleasant, variations in human behavior simply doesn’t serve the amassing of credible, objective human knowledge.

  14. skye December 13, 2015 at 9:54 am #

    This has been an incredible journey for me. I ended a 7 month relationship with an NC that also in my opinion is an alcoholic. It was the typical scenerio described in these comments and I fell into the victim role as they call it. I also wonder however, if there is also something the victim gets out of it. I can say that I did like the highs,the fears and the power I saw in the NC. The fearless confidence and alpha male qualities were mesmerizing. It is not just the NC, it takes two to tango. Being a “victim” suggest we have no role in this. I disagree, we engaged and ignored our screaming intuition. We found some kind of intoxication from it and at some point realized there was danger getting so close to the devil. My NC told me he had “demons” in his head, I felt sometimes like I was part of a Sci Fi movie and he was the creature I was trying to understand. It was exciting yet destructive experience and something about those highs and lows can be attractive but like any fire it burns out and dust is left behind. At some point, it must end and the “victim” must self protect or decide this project is just not worth it anymore.
    I also wondered about my own NC tendency, my NC stated to me he thought I was just like him….as I read some of the script on NC i felt like I, myself, showed some of these signs when my life was not in a solid safe place. I could manipulate, use and be self absorbed. The difference I see thought is I did not have intention to destroy anothers psych, I simplly was self protecting and in a insecure point in life.

    It is an interesting note to consider the personality of the “victim” as well. We didn’t not work out at all thought as I fought back with persistent arguments, standing up for myself and generally dismissing his ways. This of course led to his “we just do not fit”. With NC, if you have a sense of self they soon realize it wont work,strong people do not allow NC to continue once they learn the game. I realized he was trying to convert me to a homogonized stepford wife and I was not having it. That ended it on the spot.

    I do miss the fire and passion. I miss the intensity and the highs and lows but I also need my sanity, security and safe love from a man. That is first. I will look for my drama in more positive arenas like acting, dancing and writing. No need for all that craziness in an unloving NC relationship. It is good to know as a “victim” what drew you to the NC so you never repeat it again. Find your passions and desire for intensity in more positive venues and find someone that truly loves you, better yet create passion with them.

    • Karen May 4, 2016 at 10:01 pm #

      Hello,
      You bring up a lot of interesting points.
      I think I was with a narc and I’m realizing I maybe have a narc side myself!!
      I also saw that the narc doesn’t like it if you have a sense of self. It’s when I was assertive that I had problems with my ex. If you accept and are submissive then there are no problems. And you bring up some interesting ideas about the “victim”.
      Thanks for sharing.

  15. Nicole January 8, 2016 at 2:30 pm #

    What I liked about this article is that it speaks in simple, short sentences with lots of breaks. It comes across as stilted, but to a person who is trying to recover from narcissistic abuse, that’s really the preferred mode of communication. I like that the writer makes it clear, because this is something victims have a hugely hard time understanding, that they were dealing with someone who has less emotional recall than the average house pet. My therapist described it to me as lacking the “emotional loop around” that others have that lets them remember an experience and then recall the emotions attached to it, thereby stimulating a recurrence of emotions. When you don’t feel emotions besides “my ego feels good” or “my ego feels bad,” you can’t remember important memories shared like others do. My ex used to devastate me with his capacity to utterly forget every important thing (I thought!) that we ever shared. I, naturally, translated this as, “How can I be so unremarkable that x, y and z were not even worth remembering? They were everything to ME.” I was setting myself up repeatedly to be wiped out by a guy who had zero emotional connection to me. That…was a hard pill to swallow. I thought we were so in love, but I can completely see all the signs he was playing me….now, I can, anyway. But I did swallow it.

    What I don’t like is that parts of this article come across like for the writer, it hasn’t been long enough since her breakup, because I see her making dangerous errors common to the empathetic, highly sensitive, co-dependent people who tend to fall for narcissists.

    You are under NO obligation to always give this person a “place in your heart.” Mine has a place in my colon, at least until I’m finished processing breakfast. In fact, I’d say that a healthy dose of rage and unwillingness to forgive a person who isn’t sorry are integral to your healing. IF YOU GIVE THEM AN INCH, YOU’LL GIVE THEM A MILE…and they won’t need to lift a finger to ask for it, much less earn it. I think most victims of narcissists somewhere in their childhoods learned that their boundaries aren’t all that important and they have to break them to be loved. The act of saying that you will no longer stand for such treatment from him/her or anyone else is CRUCIAL.

    You are the only person in your life who can never leave you. Treat your soul mate accordingly (IT’S YOU!).

    Also, this….I have misgivings about this — I think it undoes almost completely what had been mostly a good message until then: “Also, remember no one loves competing more than men, because generally they want what they can’t have. So make it hard for him to get you back and KEEP you.” (The writer just suggested playing games with a narcissist)

    “People place a high value on something they have to work for.” (Note from me: A narcissist doesn’t. Sure, he might initially in the beginning of the relationship because he has to “win” and that’s the time the relationship is the closest it will ever be to being important to a narc. This is actually when we should walk out on them, but we don’t because we don’t know what we’re dealing with yet until we learn to see it better. Any time after he’s entered the devaluation stage, if you give him a hard time, he’ll act like he’s hurt and angry about it and move instantly on to someone who will give him what he wants, plus now, you’re the enemy because you caused narcissistic injury. How dare you have boundaries in the presence of his spectacular self?).

    “Take control, and move things forward in your way, at your own pace, not his.”

    That’s good advice for the average relationship with a regular guy who hasn’t learned that love is not a game or is trying to decide how he feels about you. It is not good advice for a person dealing with a narcissist. In fact, it’s downright dangerous.

    Take it from me, because I have tried to outgame the narcissist. A normal, healthy, loving person will ALWAYS lose that fight and ALWAYS to his or her complete destruction. Why? Because they have no feelings and you do. Because they are structurally incapable of it, so all of your playing the “game” right will have no impact on what develops inside of them. Because what you have to do to play the game on their level will damage your psyche. A healthy mind cannot conceive of dating lots of wo/men to keep your options open, and then telling your narc, “Oh no, baby, there’s only you,” the way s/he does, but that’s what you’d have to do. A healthy mind cannot accept that every single thing said between you is a series of “moves” and “dating tips” he read on the Internet, and then, so did you because he made that necessary, and that there’s no real bond. Your mind will not let you lie to it like that, you want a real connection, but the narc, s/he wants that game played just like that. It doesn’t take long before you realize you have a non-relationship with a non-person and you’re selling out everything you are and believe in to get it. Then you feel crazy. Tada, the narc has succeeded. You see? You can’t win! They learn to adjust the game to what you’ve seen so far, they instinctively respond by taking it to some brand new crazy place you’re psychologically unprepared to handle going. Leave the field and let him punt the ball to whomever happens to be standing there. I once was almost dying physically from the mental abuse. You can do this, trust me.

    • Karen May 4, 2016 at 9:24 pm #

      Hello Nicole,
      Thank you for your mail. I think I was with a narc but I didn’t realize it at the time. Even after I broke up I didn’t realize. It’s only when he told me he had met someone that I thought there is something serioulsy wrong with this guy. Now with retrospect I can see the red flags, I see a shift in his behaviour. At the beginning he was considerate and affectionate but when I showed a bit of assertiveness he didn’t like that and started to draw back in almost all areas of the relationship. I was emotionally dependent on him. When I felt strong enough I broke away from the relationship.

  16. Greg January 12, 2016 at 10:26 pm #

    I had to end it after her betrayal. She had to know that anyone with a microbe of self esteem would end the relationship after what she did. I wanted to have a future with her and she didn’t care if I walked away and never saw her again. That’s a hard thing to stomach.

    • ST January 14, 2016 at 3:15 pm #

      What was the betrayal? I was smeared behind my back which I took as a betrayal. I was promised a better future, commitment and loyalty but similarly heard nothing back! I agree, it seems so effortless.

  17. Angela January 25, 2016 at 10:16 am #

    I have finally ended it with the Narc. I’m on day 25 of no contact. He tried to contact me on day 1 and 2 of no contact but I didn’t respond. He assumed I’ve blocked his number. I’m proud that i do not need to block his phone number because I am determined to finally end it for good. I had 2 and a half years of HELL.
    He lived with a woman all that time. She contacted me and bad mouthed him calling him a cheater yet remained and slept in the same bed but no intimacy with him (she told me that) Which explains why I was his sex supply only. In the beginning I didn’t know he was in a relationship and for 3 months it was so great. We went out on dates, holidays he came to my house etc..
    Then it all waned and I found him on a dating site.
    He never stopped chatting to any of his women. He had online sex with these unsuspecting women also.
    I left for the first time. He then deleted his account and all the women he’d met on dating sites from FB.
    He said he was trying. Every now and then I’d be contacted on FB by a random woman asking who I was.
    They were also his online girlfriends. He swore he never was physically unfaithful but he had his online women who to him were “fictional”
    He was addicted to online porn and having online sex and sent out numerous pics of his private parts.
    These unsuspecting women sent him many many intimate videos and pics of themselves which he still keeps. (I gave him nothing)
    I also noticed he sent many selfies of himself to me and all his other women. I’ve never met a man so obsessed with selfies.
    He loves designer clothes, needs to be part of the racing club , bought a flashy car. (All these expenses are put onto the house loan) went on a holiday he couldn’t afford because he hates missing out on anything.
    Everything is owned by the woman he lives with.
    He treated me well but he couldn’t control his addiction to women. He said he couldn’t be alone.
    (His mom abandoned him and his sister when they were little) I left cos he was a complete head f@&k. We fought all the time. He was demanding. I never gave in.
    Never Going Back

  18. Angela January 25, 2016 at 10:36 am #

    In my previous post I failed to mention that he lied all the time but forgot what he’d say.
    He would send me messages that his partner, women had sent him just to make me jealous.
    Every time I left (and I’d follow through) he hoovered endlessly till I came back.
    He hates his reputation tarnished because he needs to come across as a “nice” person.
    He cannot hold down a job because he finds it difficult to work for a boss.
    He has failed at all attempts to work for himself.
    Finally, he needs to drink at night ” to make himself happy”
    He’s in a syndicate that have purchased a racing horse (couldn’t afford that either) yet did.
    So he gambles now but isn’t even good at that.
    I have finally seen the light.
    I don’t want to hate him but I do !!

  19. Georgiamay February 18, 2016 at 11:48 am #

    Thanks this article has really helped me understand that perhaps my ex is also a narc. I just wondered if anyone would give a second opinion on this? I have recently broken up with a person who seems to display narc behaviour. I had been with him nearly 2 years and this is the second time he has broken up with me. He had lied about his whole life and things I couldn’t understand the need to lie about such as telling me he had achieved good grades, he had slept with other women, he had passed his driving test etc . I forgave him for lying about these things but I realise now they should have set off alarm bells really. After about 6 months together he started texting another girl inappropriately, We spent the weekend together and he would hide his phone or move away from me to text her. I confronted him and he lied saying that she was an old friend who’s mother had died recently. He said he told her he had met the person he wanted to marry (me) and I asked him to show me the text message evidence of that, when he couldn’t he confessed to flirting with her. They had never met but he made out like it was her pushing for it but I managed to contact her and she said very different and showed me some of the texts he sent her and they were awful for example he would joke about calling her his girlfriend. But what I found worse was that he had lied that her mum had died that was so sick in my eyes! I couldn’t understand how he could do this they hadn’t even met. He told me that it was purely for the attention she gave him. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t enough. But I forgave him he promised nothing like that would happened again and for a year it was perfect I was so happy that I had given him the chance. Until late November one day he had said by text he wanted to go Christmas shopping for my present with a new girl at work in a few days time, well I was already insecure and I still couldn’t fully trust him since last time so I said I wasn’t okay with that. He said that’s fine he didn’t care he even came over to stay the night at mine so we could talk and to make sure I was okay. He said she wasn’t even a very good friend yet as she had just started working with him and he would rather I let him know I wasn’t okay wth it than turn angry or ignore him. He made me feel everything was okay. The next morning he left early said he was going to go shopping alone (I had university) but I had a gut feeling he went with her he text me quite a lot during the trip to make me think he didn’t. A couple of days later we had arranged that I would stay over at his house but after a while of me being there he dumped me and it felt very out of the blue. He just said ‘I don’t love you anymore’ I couldn’t understand it I saw no signs over than the fact he wanted to see this girl. I asked if there was anyone else he said ‘no no one compares to you you are perfect I don’t know why I just don’t feel the same’ so I left and he was very blunt and cold on text for the next few days whilst I tried to understand why it had occurred. He text me during the break to say he was in hospital ‘if I needed him’ which I found odd. 9 days after the break up he text me to say ‘he couldn’t function without me, being without me made him realise how much he loved me and needed me in his life’ I fell for this and got back with him. To soon find out that he had been seeing this girl before during and after we had got back together still. He said that he had kissed her and he had arranged to stay in a hotel with her in the following day!!! I was so upset but he said that she meant nothing to him and it wasn’t about her but the attention again. He was crying very hard saying he wanted to kill himself and he felt it would be easier if I hated him and how he self harmed at work etc. I said that I would give him a last chance and said I think he should get therapy. A few days later she messaged me on Facebook saying that ‘it wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea to have a boyfriend that took over girls out for dinner’ or something nasty like that and I confronted him as we were at his house at the time and he admitted he had gone shopping that time I said I didn’t want him to and also taken her out of lunch the day after we had broke up! I couldn’t understand how he could be okay with breaking up with me after being together such a long time! He said it wasn’t at all romantic for him he just told her what she wanted to her but it was all rubbish basically. Everything seemed perfect again for a month over Christmas everything went back to how it used to be. He would tell me he wanted to spend the rest of his life making me happy and how much he loved me and only ever wanted to be with me, how cheating was the biggest mistake of his life etc. But a month ago now he sent me a text out of the blue this time just saying he wasn’t happy and implying I was to blame despite telling me constantly before how his job was boring and he felt depressed because his dad has cancer etc. He agreed to meet me two weeks later in the town but he kept saying he wanted me to bring his jumper that I had and I had just come from university so I said okay we can just talk in my room which was a mistake. He couldn’t explain it any other way than that he wasn’t happen and how he felt happy the last week seeing friends and exercising more. He was cuddling and kissing me and we were talking like normal which led me to think he had changed his mind and we ended up sleeping together. He said it was a mistake and it was all his fault it shouldn’t have happened. I asked if he had lied when he said he knew he wanted to marry me the week before we broke up in a restaurant. He said it wasn’t a lie and at the time he did so I don’t understand how t all changed so fast! He was crying before he left and kept kissing me saying ‘this is the last kiss’ etc. Felt very strange like his actions didn’t match up to what he was saying. He left and I didn’t hear from him at all. But in Valentine’s Day I noticed that the girl from his work posted a picture of roses and a teddy bear with the comment ‘he treats me like a princess everyday’ I felt so sick I just knew they were from him. I text him basically saying how angry I was that he couldn’t have just told me the truth for once and that he must be very insecure and desperate for any attention he could get at the moment and I hoped eventually he would be happy but to never contact me again. He read my text instantly, within the same minute I sent it but didn’t respond with even an apology. I later messaged the girl on Facebook to ask if they were together just because we had slept together (I wanted to know if I needed to get checked out really) and she was very nasty to me saying that they were ‘perfectly fine’ and thanks for the concern but she doesn’t need warning, that I don’t know anything about them but yes they are together. Since then I have been a mess, I can’t stop thinking about it and how he’s moved on so quick. I didn’t understand why he didn’t just tell me it was her when we met up I had asked if it was another girl and he said ‘no for the billionth time!’ And how I wouldn’t see him with anyone else for ages as he is going to sort his head out first…it’s like he can’t live without having someone there to give him attention even if he didn’t like her. I came across the idea that he may be displaying narcissistic behaving so looked into it. Just wondered if this sounds like it from someone else’s perspective? I can’t believe he has done this to me after saying he loves me all the time and just treating me like a princess I feel like I have wasted time because I thought he was someone that he isn’t. I don’t know how he kept the act up with me for so long and how he was content with just me for a year before the next girl instead of constantly having other attention. I’m just so confused I really love him. I hope he leaves me alone from now on but my counsellor said she would bet money that he will text me again. I don’t want to be involved with him anymore but he always says the right things to make me think he will change 🙁

  20. Jay March 3, 2016 at 1:30 pm #

    This was very similar to what I went through … The thing that is making me wonder when I read all the articles is that there are a lot of references to the narc coming back, but in my relationship I went back to her many times, I power called her, and to some extent now that I think of it did some stalking … because I wanted to understand, I wanted to know, and I wanted to use this understanding to change her into something different … Now I’m left shattered, wondering whether i’m not a narc myself (to a lesser extent but still) …

    Here is the story just in case anyone is interested 😉

    The initial stage
    ***
    I met this girl at work 2 years ago. We kept looking at eachother, but
    nothing happened as I was in a relationship (at the end of it), thought she
    would never be interested in me. Then one day, not long after I broke up
    with my previous gf, I started seeing her outside of work and we started
    seeing eachother. I was all loved up, could not want anything else than her,
    and I was really in love, really quick.

    The red flags :
    – Some common colleagues came to me once they learned about the
    relationship, telling me that she was with someone else from work before,
    ended up coming to work claiming he had beaten her and the guy eventually
    got sent to work from home so she could come back to the office
    – After that, they got back together, even living together. One day a friend
    of hers called the guy in for a drink to discuss about their couple, when he
    came back home she had moved away with all her stuff and some of his.
    *** she denied all of the above when I asked her ***
    – I knew through my colleagues she has a daugther. It took her 4 months in
    the relationship to tell me, and it’s because I initially brought up the
    topic.
    – She disappeared a few times without any warning. I checked at work, she
    had taken a couple of days off, did not tell me about it, and finally got
    back to me in the middle of the night by text one day later.
    – Every time she was at my place, she would be a lot on her phone. As soon
    as I would get close, she would lay it face down, or tilt the screen in the
    opposite direction. Again, I pointed that to her for months, and she denied
    it.
    – Regularly she would be silent for hours. We lived litterally 2 minutes
    away from eachother, so I ended up waiting at her door for a couple of hours
    a few times. Every time, she would say something like ‘I went in or out when
    you said you where there, I didnt see you’. Total BS, but I swallowed it
    in…
    – I overheard a conversation she was having with a friend on the phone about
    a 3rd interview for a job in a different city. When I asked her about it she
    answered ‘that she wasnt sure she should talk about it because it was not
    done yet, and that she was holding back her decision because of her
    relationship’. From my perspective it’s weird not to share that kind of
    things going on after 3 months together…
    – One day, I got fed up with the silences and her constantly delaying our
    rendezvous without explaining anything. When I confronted her, she mentioned
    her daughter had texted her for an emergency. At that point I wanted to see
    the message on her phone, she went through her pockets and said ‘I have
    probably lost it’. I offered to go back on her steps to look for it and she
    declined. Eventually we ended up in my place, and I checked her jacket
    pocket knowing her phone would be there. At this stage, I kicked her out of
    my place after calling her in not very nice ways to say the least.

    The moving in phase
    ***
    After this initial break up, I just missed her a lot. One day while trying
    to call her, I noticed that the phone ring was not usual. I searched a bit,
    and figured out she was in a different country. I emailed her to say that
    she was in her home country (Bosnia) according to the ring tone. She emailed
    me that I was just crazy, that I was just making things up in order to do
    things in her back, and that she was in the same country as I was. She even
    pushed it as far as sending me her location using Viber to corroborate this.

    We patched up together again (mostly because I was trying to), and ended up
    travelling a few days after this. As I needed her passport to check-in the
    flights, I noticed that the passport stamps matched what I thought. She
    still managed to deny it, saying she was there ‘just for one day’. There was
    a week difference between the in/out stamps. This led to another oversized
    argument because I was rubbing facts in her face and she kept denying it. We
    went to my home country, she met my parents, and when we came back, she just
    went off-radar again. I went to her flat, and saw a car in front of it
    loaded with things. I came in, and some guy was taking her stuff out of the
    apartment.
    Confrontation : “Yeah, I asked him to move out a few things, but It’s not
    for the job thing at all. I forgot to tell you because I forgot he was
    coming today”. Another load of bullshit. She eventually disappeared, after
    an extended sick leave at work she had not told me about.

    A few weeks later, she called me back, asking me to give her back an object
    with sentimental value she had left at my place (a ring). I went to the
    address she had given me for shipping the ring (she was not answer my power
    calling or sporadically and always ‘had to go’ and would not say anything
    about her whereabouts). When i went there I noticed she was working at the
    company she had interviewed for earlier. We spoke for quite a long time, and
    eventually got back together for a ‘distance’ relationship (3 hours away
    from eachother).

    One day, I had taken an extended weekend to join her and spend some time.
    Out of the blue, an hour before I left to go with her, she texted me ‘it’s
    over’. No further explanation, not picking up the calls, not answering the
    messages. I ended up at that point sleeping with my ex, honestly more out of
    rage than because I wanted it, but this was going too far for me.

    She eventually came back to me at the end of that weekend we were meant to
    spend together, and so we were back in that fucked-up ersatz of relationship
    again.

    The ex did not take it too well that I just had a one-night stand with her
    before going back to the one I love, so she texted her to explain what
    happened. This led to a cataclysmic fight, and the only possibility I was
    given at that point was to end the relationship or come over to the city she
    was in and find a job there.

    So…
    We moved in together. I was on leave from my work, looking for a job while I
    was living with her and her daughter, and had to go through hell because of
    what happened the last time she had dumped me. I had to go for regular
    visits to my home city to see my company doctor, and she was texting me or
    calling me 60 times a day when it happened. In at least 3 occurrences,
    because I was not answering fast enough or because she felt I was in a mood
    on that morning, she called sick at her work to follow me there for the
    whole day. On the other days, while I was watching her daughter, picking her
    up from school etc, she was spying on me through the kid .The daughter
    confirmed that later on to me. One day in a fight I mentioned it to the
    mother, she brought in the kid and asked her in front of me, which led to
    more shit after she said no. All of a sudden I had coerced her daughter into
    saying stuff (I asked her once) and she felt compelled to ‘give me the
    answer i wanted’. Besides that, things were good living together for a few
    months …

    We ended up coming back to my home city. She left her job (After again a
    sick leave at the end), and did not want to let me go to the home city alone
    to look at flats, worried I would be looking for one only for myself. We
    found a new place, and i got back to my old job, while she had found a new
    one. During that period, 2 major things :
    – She was very secretive about her workplace. They have 2 offices in town,
    it took her 3 weeks to tell me which one she was working in.
    – She started again to act overly jealous. Texting me 60 times a day while i
    was stuck in meetings at work, timing my start-end of shifts and giving out
    to me when i was in there more than i had to, and obviously, making
    references to ‘my exes and bitches’ repeatedly.

    One day, I decided I could not cope with that anymore.
    I told her I was leaving, and that she had exhausted all my patience. She
    followed me, crying and begging me on her knees, threatening me to commit
    suicide, started a scene in front of the police station going on her knees
    again uyntil the cops came out and asked us to sort out our things in
    private.
    After we got home, I asked her to think about the whole thing and went out.
    15 minutes later, I got texts from her, saying that anyway I was not
    appreciate , and that she was leaving me (!) and would not be at the
    apartment when id come back.
    It tickled my Spider-senses, so i ran back home. All my valuables were gone.
    Cameras, computers (work and personal), my tablet, my passport. I rang her
    asking to bring the stuff back, and she feigned not to understand what i was
    talking about. After 15 minutes of phone bullshit, I called the cops.
    This ended as a farce. The cops brought her outside at some point and came
    back with some of my belongings, but did not allow me to press charges. They
    just asked us to stay quiet for her daughter and our neighbours, and left it
    there, while they had brought back all my things after leaving with her. The
    next thing she told me is
    “one of the cops told me you are exhibiting all the traits of a psyopath, so
    do not hesitate to call us back if he hits you or gets violent”. It just
    felt out of this world as she had been caught after stealing, but the cops
    went soft on her and she got it her way…. The next sentence was “You’re
    gonna pay for this”.

    So I left. The next day, friends of mine came and helped me moving out all
    my things. I ended up stranded at friends’ places for a month as there were
    not suitable places available, so one day she offered to take me back in as
    I had paid the rent for the month, and let me have the 2nd bedroom while she
    would sleep with her daughter. I took the offer, and obviously we ended up
    sleeping together again.

    One day, she texted me in the evening to say she was not comfortable with
    the situation, and that I should look for another place to stay…. at 10pm.
    When I asked to come over and pick up my suitcase at least, she remained
    locked in and said that she would have someone dropping it to me at work on
    the next day. As I was quite pissed already at being kicked out like that
    and on top of it not having access to my belongings, I ended up banging the
    door until the neighbours got involved. She opened the door, stayed in the
    door frame and denied me the right to get in and get my stuff. After 10
    minutes of arguig, i pushed her aside to get in, and she landed on her
    bottom. Next thing I heard was ‘You assaulted me, you are going to pay for
    this, there are witnesses’. I left

    2 days later, one of her ‘friends’ calls to threaten me, saying i beat the
    shit out of her. After reminding the person that his rightful place was out
    of my sight and my relationship, I cleared out it was total BS.

    Since I’m an idiot, a month later, I went back to her. We got back together,
    and she repeatedly mentioned that ‘since I probably fucked around in the
    meantime’, she got back in touch with her exes (Which is something she
    threatened me of many times while we were together before). I offered her to
    come over at my new apartment as she was paying the rent alone, she declined
    because she didnt want to live in a place without having her name on the
    lease. (Incidentally, that’s the argument she used when we broke up that
    she has a daughter and the lease in her name so any lawyer would say i cant
    keep the flat myself). In the meantime, I found out she actually had a
    flatmate… and didnt mention anything about him, even though we were back
    together. I went there and spoke with the guy, he confirmed he lived there
    pretty much since I left. When I confronted her about this ‘it was just for
    a couple weeks to help out a friend’s friend’. 5 months later, the same guy
    still lives there… He gave me his phone number when i got there, but
    blocked me since then. According to her, ‘I scared him’.

    The finale
    ****
    We broke up again at the end of last November after she started jealousy
    crisises over nothing (And I mean it, I was behaving like an angel and was
    dedicated to this relationship all along). At that point , her friend who
    threatened me in the past came to me multiple times and asked me not to get
    in touch with her. He got me the rest of my belongings she had kept, as well
    as the money she owed me, but told me not to get in touch with her again…

    Life went by for me … a month later I was taking some time off with a
    friend of mine, and we slept together. I also got back in touch with an ex,
    as we met in work and she asked me how I was, I explained to her the whole
    story. We did not get involved again, but spoke a lot back then.

    Comes January this year. We bumped into eachother again. This time I dont
    believe it was accidentally, because she got invited to a party organised by
    my employer through her friends. The conversation there did not go very
    nicely, as she was throwing a lot of accusations in the world at me. One of
    them included was right, but the rest was again total made-up bs … She got
    me so angry on that evening that I kissed somebody else on that evening. And
    people went to her to say it, which prompted another wave of incendiary
    messages.

    We ended up going back together a week after. She had come to me to say she
    was pregnant from November, and I thought that was maybe the switch moment
    for her. She had told me a billion times she thought I could not commit,
    that I should go to therapy, so I did 2 things I would have never
    considered before :
    – I booked appointment with a therapist for my ‘commitment issues’
    – I proposed to her so she would see i really meant it
    – I asked her to keep the baby and raise it as a family

    She accepted the proposal, started a fight about what i did during our
    previous breakup, and on the next day, the answer had changed to ‘I did not
    really say yes you know, you have to prove yourself’.

    And so back to square one. We were seeing eachother pretty much every day,
    but she would start fights out of nowhere. She would be extremely secretive
    about many things, particularly her phone, but could freely roam into mine.
    She wouldnt add me back on facebook as a friend. She still had ‘trips’
    planned during the breakup, she wouldnt say anything about, except that it
    was about. She asked me to remove anything that looked like an ex from the
    phone/facebook/skype and block them. Even call a couple of exes to say i got
    engaged and that what happened between us didnt mean a thing.

    I tended to start fights because I felt she was asking me a lot, but at the
    same time was not giving back a lot herself. She would not wear her ring (We
    needed to have the size adjusted, but she kept finding excuses not to show
    up at the jewelry when we agreed to mee there), leave the whole relationship
    on hold, and wave these ‘trips with friends’ under my nose as a constant
    threat.

    I eventually told her I slept with someone in December and got in touch with
    one specific person too. She took that as the ultimate weapon to put back in
    my face every time. Because I didnt tell her earlier, my whole proposal was
    a lie.

    We went to Spain for a few days, a month ago.
    On the first evening, I wanted to tag a picture of us on fb. So it brought
    up the topic on the table. I just asked her to make it unless she wanted to
    hide it away from her other loves interests. She stood up , stormed out of
    the bar. When I asked her to talk and tried to reasons her, she just told me
    she wanted to go back to the flat, take her suitcase and passport, and she
    would go find another accomodation. I tried to reason, and 2 times, she just
    stopped to tell me she couldnt talk to me, that I was not listening, and
    that she would go to the flat with the Spanish Police to get her things,
    while i was trying to reason her. After we did this 3 times, I let her go
    away and blow off some steam (I noticed that the first thing she did was
    pulling out her phone and have a call as soon as she was 20 meters away) and
    stayed at the same place. She came back there 20 minutes after, telling me
    that I had abandoned her in Madrid, That I didnt care about her and that I
    would have been responsible if anything had happened to her because her
    phone was malfunctioning and she did not have the address for the
    accomodation…

    After we came back from Madrid, things got weirder. I made her do a
    pregnancy test, which turned negative. The next day, she came back saying
    she had another one, and it was positive this time … so the baby part
    looked like a big big lie again…

    Valentine’s day was getting close, and I asked her whether i could plan
    something for us day after day after day … the answer i got was ‘Are you
    asking me that every day to make sure I do not go with one of my many other
    options ?”. At this point I lost it, and a slap went off automatically. That
    was the first time of my life I did this, and I really didnt feel good about
    it. I apologized. And when I apologized, the next thing she did was dragging
    me to a police station, to put in writing that i had slapped her. The next
    day her previously threatening friend called me again. Threated to kill me
    if i didnt leave the country and my job. Threatened my family abroad, citing
    their full names. I pressed charges.
    The next day, when i spoke to her about that, the only answer i got was :
    “I’m not aware of this and well .. you slapped me Jonathan”.

    So that’s it. The last thing that hit me is that I called her work the day
    after the slap to talk. 3 people on the phone confirmed me she had resigned
    from her job a few weeks prior and was not working there anymore. Also that
    she was on sick leave for a good couple weeks… when confronted with that,
    the answer was the same … people are lying.

    At this point, I’ m still in love with her. I can;t stop thinking of her.
    She has control over all communication methods we have (She blocked
    everything, the only way I hear from her is when she actually calls me or
    texts me). and she keeps repeating to me that I’m a piece of shit that never
    loved her. She keeps coming up with ‘And anyway what’s the point talking,
    you are seeing/sleeping with XXX’. Im on my knees mentally and physically,
    I’m just thinking about her all the time and trying to make things good, and
    I feel like the floor is literally mopped with my heart every time we
    communicate.

    Now at this point we have been apart for 3 weeks. I could not go no-contact yet, and trying to get in touch with her made me aware that she went abroad. She said in our last conversation I would never be able to reach her on her number again… I sent a message after that that was just delivered, and she is somewhere else … which for me is now a pattern, create a shitstorm, then use it to justify/cover up the mysterious trip abroad… just this time it feels like there will not be any going back from her side

    Since I started reading
    about NPD, I got convinced that she was a serious case of that. Now the
    second part that worries me, is that It feels I have some of these symptoms
    as well… and when I think about it, these symptoms are not something I
    used to do before the relationship, but that developed since I got with her.
    I never chased/stalked my exes as much as i do for her, i never felt so
    powerless because I’m trying to have fruitful conversations. I’m not an idiot, and she keeps making me swallow whatever she
    wants to consider as the reality …

    Thanks for taking the time to read all this … I tried to be as honest as I
    could and omitted some passages obviously, but I tried not to give too much
    of a bias either. I’m not perfect far away from it and I can recognize my
    mistakes, but in this case this is just not enough.

    • Don April 12, 2016 at 5:55 pm #

      Jay,

      Turn around and don’t walk, but run, as fast as you can the other direction. You fell in love with an illusion. What you fell in love with was not real. You were only there to admire the person.

  21. Don April 12, 2016 at 6:08 pm #

    A year later, I stopped by again. It’s been 18 months and life is normal again. I drove myself nuts for a while, but I find it amusing now. I was in love with a covert narcissist. She wouldn’t let me take a pic of her and post it on social media for 4 yrs. She wouldn’t post a pic of herself. In the months after I was discarded, she went picture posting crazy. The covert went full blown narcissist. She began posting 3 or 4 new selfies a week of herself. While that may be normal for a teenager, it was not for a woman in her mid 40’s. She was begging for attention and admiration. I watched from a distance. A no contact distance. She posted so many pics that her friends quilt liking and commenting on the pics. When you have 700 friends, 20 likes should tell you they are tired of it. The need for admiration is like starvation. When I look back at it now, I realize how strange it all was. I fell in love with with everything that was projected back to me. She never could end a phone conversation. I had to say I love you first, so she could mirror it back. Thank God I’m free from it all.

  22. Frankie June 16, 2016 at 3:37 am #

    Hello,

    This article has summed up my very experience. I have just broken up with my ex after finding that he has been contiuously lying and cheating on me. It’s not as straight forward as it sounds though – I moved from England to Australia to start a life with him properly, and he has completely destroyed my life.

    He was using me as a comforter (he has a bad back and can barely move at times), so I have been caring for him and loving him, but behind my back he has been seeing another girl for sex.

    I found out about it and he lied and said it was just a one night stand whilst i was in the UK”, but obviously this was a lie and he was actually dating us both. Using me for emotional support and her for sex. He has also destroyed her life through lies and played us against each other. He’s lied over and over to my face, and will not confront any of it. He hides behind pathetic excuses and it’s killed me that he won’t even accept what he has done.

    I was close to his entire family and his mother would be devastated if she knew what he had done to me. I am torn as to whether I should let her know that her son has a problem? I have completely cut him out of my life and he can’t physically contact me. But it makes me feel sick to know that he will be playing this out like he is the victim, and go on to continue to make other people’s life a living-hell. He drove me insane, to a point where I felt suicidal. He abused the fact I have depression and has milked me for everything I had.

    I see things clearer now and I am thankful for him no longer being in my life. But I am still struggling with the repercussions and I feel like telling his mother needs help might provide me with some level of peace of mind. She is non the wiser to his behaviour and thinks he is the perfect boyfriend. His whole family are actually oblivious to what his life is actually like. Any advice?

    • Natalie June 28, 2016 at 5:37 am #

      Yes tell his mother the whole truth u will feel urself better if u do it. I’m from Argentina and i had an endless story with an english man i never met cos he was a real narcissist he wanted to use me for sex i understand u. U will heal urself its only a matter of time. Xx.

      • Cc July 21, 2016 at 6:43 pm #

        I don’t think you should tell his mom Natalie.. i tell you why if he’s a true narcissist, his mother already knows, she is his mother and alot of times this behavior is a repeat.. i to was very close to my narcs mom his children ect.. if you read this blog you’ll know every one else knows but his victim’s, just move on cut all contact, find your happiness again, he will go on to do this to alot of women its there way, they feel nothing but for themselves, they are not capable of real love, everything they do is for self, your not his first victim or his last, chuck it up lesson leaned and go make the best life for yourself, yes it hurts to know there are these kinds of people in this world but best revenge is you moving on and finding yourself again and being happy. They win by knowing they ruined you, thru win by keeping contact.. move on from him his mom ect.. telling her will make no difference other than allowing the narc to win by acting like you even care enough to tell his mom.. good luck and turn to your friends family and go be happy with out this weak ass manipulating man who has no soul..

        • Francesca August 16, 2016 at 2:49 pm #

          Hi, thanks for your response. I decided to not tell his mother, and agree with you that i believe deep down she knows what he is capable of.
          It’s still a complete struggle for me, i’ve decided to move back to England because my depression isn’t shifting and i’ve completely lost myself.
          Hopefully being back with my friends and family will bring me back to life and reignite my self-esteem which has since completely vanished.

  23. Michelle July 7, 2016 at 2:25 pm #

    Hi I was with a Narc for 12 years! We now have 3 young children. We are separated now after he started an affair with my best friend. They live just around the corner from me. I try so hard to not see him or talk to him but we have to hand over the kids to each other. I know I definitely do not want him back in any way shape or form and will be getting a divorce as soon as I am able. At the suggestion of divorce it’s almost like he doesn’t want it! Is that a normal reaction from a Narc? I get the feeling he thinks I will wait for him till he is finished with her! I will NEVER go back EVER! My life and my children lives are so much better and calmer now. It’s unbelievable! I look back now and cannot believe how sucked in I was. He alienated me from my family and friends and has pretty much fought with every single one of them! And then asked why I never stuck up for him! Ha ha what a joke. He has no relationship with his parents or sister or any of his relatives really. I feel really sad for him but happy I am not in that toxic situation anymore. Thank you for sharing your story 🙂

  24. Nicole July 15, 2016 at 7:23 pm #

    Hi. Like so many others, I dont even know where to begin. Im lost. Reading this 2 part story has given me some insight. The man in my life fits this completely. Although everything I know is him, he is in turn saying about me. My friends and family say its him….but he has me wondering, am i the narcissist! Is this common? Please help.

  25. janet.m August 6, 2016 at 12:40 am #

    well im glad i am not crazy because i thought i was. Thank God i discovered this personality disorder in time as we had only dated for 7 months. He didnt get to discard me although i have experienced alot of silence treatment from him. I came online and did alot of research and came across this article that i could have written myself,because its word to word what i experienced..almost lost my sanity it

  26. NaiveBlonde August 12, 2016 at 7:15 am #

    I’m NC 18days. 7month relationship. My narc is 40yo. Is he a narc? Bombarded me with text messages when we met & finally won me over that way. We would text for 12hrs a day sending thousands of messages back & forth over the relationship.
    He was very controlling & would refuse to meet up with me when I tried to set boundaries. He would punish me with silent treatment. Pathological liar would forget what lie he told me. Secretive, arrogant, always thinks he’s right. Shows no emotion ever.
    I broke up with him 3 times in the first 2 months but would go back to him only a couple of weeks later. My intuition was screaming at me that there was something very wrong with this man.
    When he discarded me via text he admitted to using me. We stopped speaking. 3 weeks later I went back! 3 days later discarded me again saying he didn’t want to hurt me anymore. We decided to be friends. Got back to texting 12 hours a day. He was trying to lure me back into his BS so I would begin NC & break after a week & contact him he always replies immediately & positively. I told him I no longer wanted to be friends with him (we attend a lot of the same network events) he was very upset about my decision & tried to talk me out of it. He says how much he loves talking to me.
    I’m really struggling to maintain NC. I blocked him on everything. I need to do this!
    Is he a narcissist? Or am I just overthinking?
    Advice please!!!!!

    • Francesca August 16, 2016 at 2:45 pm #

      Whether he could be labelled as a full blown narcissist i’m unsure, but what I am sure of is that any man who truly loves you will fight for you.

      I had a similar experience with my ex (my story a few comments up), he didn’t want a full blown relationship but didn’t NOT want me either. He wanted me as a comforter when it suited him. This also meant he allowed himself to fuck anything with a pulse and convince himself it wasn’t bad or betrayal because me and him weren’t official (we were – for two years, and lived together).

      This caused me emotional turmoil as i convinced myself one day he would figure his shit out and realise what we had – that day never came, and never will. I finally thought enough is enough and i think you should to.
      Relationships can be scary and difficult, but if you really want to be with someone, it will happen.
      Back-and-fourth situations like yours and like mine emotionally and physically drain you and it gets you nowhere.
      Do yourself a favour and walk away I say, it’s fucking hard but you will love yourself for it when the day comes that you meet someone who wants nothing more than to 100% be with you.

  27. Dee September 18, 2016 at 11:15 pm #

    As I read all your experiences above I can only relate and my heart goes out to everyone who’s been through such abuse. I pray that we’ll continue forging ahead and be strong cz we all deserve true love and happiness. Believe me I never knew such pple existed let alone I’d cross paths with one. I’m still in a state of disbelief/ shock as I’m still trying to come to terms with how he vanished and left me holding on to shreds of my sanity.

    I’m not soo big on social media, and im a pretty private person but after my encounter with this narc I went crazy on the internet trying to make sense of what had just happened. It is day three on this forum going over and over pples stories totaly reliving my rlshp with this saddistic person. This forum that has in no doubt been of such great help, bcz I’ve got no one to talk to.. if writing about it will help me feel better? Give me closure? Uplift me from this dark cloud I feel I’m under? Lift me from these emotions of love and hate that I feel.. Been going back and forth for days now and im just drained and exhausted to say the least..

    I met him January 2015 on a Saturday afternoon on my way from work. He suggested we have a drink and I figured it was ok and besides I had the time to spare and he seemed nice. The meet was brief as he was rushing elsewhere with his uncle( who was also in his company)..and his vacation had already come to an end, as his flight back to the states was scheduled for the following day- Sunday. We exchanged numbers said he would be in touch but I never thought much about it, as he seemed older to me and I assumed probably he was already settled down. few days after he got to Boston, he sent me a message on whatsapp letting me know he arrived safely, told him that was gd to hear and carried on working for the rest of the day. The following day he checked in to say hello still on whatsapp and being busy at work, I let him know I was busy and cldnt chat at the moment. It kept going on for days, every day checking up on me, sending pics of himself until it was so obvious and becoming a routine to always check on me and send pics of himself- non that I’d asks for. Until it came to a point, (abt two weeks down the line) him asking if I cld be his girlfriend. I was reluctant at first cz here,is someone I barely knew asking me to commit to him not to mention the distance between us. He said he wasnt commited to anyone and didn’t have any kids. Well I thought him being at 41 it was abit odd…considering in our African culture, someone by that age should already be settled and having a few kids.. He came across as kind, considerate,focused, so loving always wanted to know how my days at work went, everything about me..literally…so I thought, not a bad idea to accept his proposition to be his girlfriend and besides I was already getting hooked to his charms. We were in constant communication from morning to evening not even minding the acute time difference, or the work schedules we jad..he was becoming possesive and I was liking it cz I thought it was nice for someone to always be thinking of me and want me in that sort of way. I fell hard and deep for him just like that and I never wanted to be anywhere else but with him. I savored and hang onto every word he said. He seemed well established and so driven to his work and studies (said he was doing pursuing his masters on biochemistry) and that even made him more attractive. Sent me pics of his five bedroom house, cars…not that I requested for them but hey..he thought I needed to see what he had. Told me he lived entirely by himself and iguess i had ti accept cz there was no way of proving that… Me being here in africa and him,all the way in boston. Besides we talked of settling down, having kids, him coming back home at the end of this year after he was done with his final exams…. Sooo sooo much. well, FF he begun requesting for nude pics. Was reluctant cz I’ve never done that and never wanted to do it. as time progressed ( few months down the line) he was so persistent that i caved in and thought what’s the harm, besides i already loved this man. That was the beginning to one of sooo many pictures he wanted. Before we met i could never think myself of even doing something like that. The pictures never satisfied his hunger he begun requesting for videos and i only bent over further and further to feed is demands. It got to a point where there were no ‘hello’s’ just a blunt ‘ send me my pics/ videos’. Raised so many red flags but i ignored all cz of ‘love’. He needed to see everything and nothing was left for imagination…and i did it for him all for the excuse of love.

    one morning he sent me pictures of him holding a lady on his lap… OfCourse afer inquiring who the lady was, told me was the friends wife who’d come to visit! Really!! I asked what sort of self respecting man would hold another mans wife on his laps and take a selfie. Should have taken that as my clue to run for my life but i stayed on. Whenever i asked about soo many things that seemed off he never wished to be questioned, and would say ‘ If that is what you think, then its ok’ and that’s how that conversation would end. He avoided being put on the spot besides he usually said ‘I don’t lie’. Until I begun questioning myself and going over and over our conversations to see if I was saying or doing anything wrong. Then one fine early morning Sunday, I woke up to the realization of being blocked on whatsapp after missing his whatsapp calls that night. I called him back directly on his line in the morning but was being reverted to vm so I left a message inquring why he’s blocked me and yet if he really wanted to talk to me and he cldnt get me via whatspp he could always call directly on my number. He was silent- never responded. I never knew what to think…i needed him to talk to me so I kept trying to reach him to no avail. And it was silent for two weeks- Longest two weeks of my life, I even apologized for what I know not.. Took it pretty hard as I never knew such pple existed. How could I have opened up to this guy, told him everything about me told him about my family….yet he’d do such a cruel thing to me. I reverted to the internet looking for answers.. It is when I encountered about narcissism- I was in disbelief. After the two weeks were over, I woke up to a text from him one morning saying ‘hello’ as if nothing had happened. In my anger I asked if he really was asking out of concern or curiosity.. He said I’d been mean to him, and as a matter of fact he hadn’t divorced me or done away with me..he was just watching me as I acted out. He never responded to any questions regarding why he’d gone quiet, blocked me on whatsapp. Although, I had read on the narcissist coming back, I so wanted my situation to be different. He saued how he never stopped loving me, was always on his mind… I fell back to where he needed me and I could ‘breath’ again. It was the same cycle love bombarding me within the first few days, then he begun asking for pictures and videos and despite being reluctant.. I sent him. By this time he said he had relocated to a remote area in Washington, Seattle for his residency and his days were busy, and I totally understood him- having to juggle work and studies. Our normal chatting was reduced from a 10 to 1, calls came once in a week or two. Sometimes I’d send him messages but he’d not respond..and I was excusing it for him being so busy. Until I begun asking myself if he really never got a sec to just text a word back. I was always the one checking in and finding out how his day was, saying hello… And I really begun to wonder yet he was constantly online despite claiming to be ever so busy. Then days would come where he’d send me pics of him and friends having a barbecue, drinks… And I continued wondering if he’d have time for all that how come not spare five minutes to talk/ chat with me. I was already feeling drained and I also stopped checking in him so often, thought I may give him some time to do miss me maybe. Two days later when I checked on him he was angry saying I was ignoring him..while he did the very same thing to me! Why does he get the right to be angry?!
    I begun questioning all this and his excuse of being so busy…hell! was he running a county I never knew about?
    I was strained emotionally, because all I was doing is give give give and yet he seemed to be least concerned and only got back when it suited him. One day I was so tired of it all, and I needed to talk to him. He informed me he was resting and would let me know when to call, on his way to work- just like a few times before. So I said ok and waited for a green light from his end.. When I checked on whatsapp if he’d responded…i found that he’d blocked me.. I was in utter disbelief, angry and furious. I tried calling him on his direct line but reverted me to vm, so I left him a message inquiring what the matter was. Two days later still not heard from him and I attempt to get through to him to no avail. I realize its all been a game to him…and idk if I can get past this anger that I feel towards him and towards myself for not listening to my gut feeling since it all begun. I’ve decided to also go quiet, matter of fact I uninstalled whatsapp to try get him off my radar. This is the third week of NC…do I feel any better? Idk, I wish all this anger could go away and I can manage to forgive myself for allowing someone treat me like this..to say the least. Trying to keep strong.

  28. Dee September 18, 2016 at 11:22 pm #

    Probably I should thank God that the entire rlshp was long distance and we never got to sleep together. what gets me down is that I was so emotionally invested and believed every thing he said…yea i was played for a fool. Harsh lesson learnt

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