Do you make these mistakes in your relationship?
There is one particular fear that is usually waiting for you when you are finally over your break up or divorce: The fear of the next relationship. The fear that all you went through, will eventually happen again.
The path to the healing was arduous. The pain unimaginable. You really never want to go through something like that again. Ever!
That is very understandable. Unfortunately nobody can guarantee you that, but there is one thing I can guarantee you:
If you have gone through the phases of a break up correctly, you will cope much better with a potential future break up than you did before.
Also, it helps, if you know the 7 deadly sins in a relationship.
Surviving the Break Up
The last phase in getting over a break up is “the reopening”, where you learn to open yourself up for new relationships again. You have learned so much in the past months/years.
You really did a tremendous job:
- You’ve become a stronger person
- You know yourself better
- You have realized that self-love is the vital premise for a happy life
- You’ve gained knowledge of the reasons which led to your break up or divorce back then, and managed to distance yourself emotionally from it
- You are able to forgive your Ex and move on
You are now ready for a new relationship.
Fighting the Fear
But what if you make the same mistakes you’ve made earlier? What if you fall into the same habits as before and drive your new partner away?
First of all: fear is never a good counselor. You should always look positive and confident into the future. But I understand where this is coming from.
You can overcome this fear the same way you can overcome every other fear: knowledge and action. First you have to know the main causes for a disturbance in a relationship, then you have to stop making them.
What are the main causes that relationships fail?
The causes are numerous. But you will observe that certain mistakes (I should better say “character flaws”) that are very common, can destroy even the happiest relationship. It is very important to know them and to react immediately, as soon as you notice them in you.
I have put together the 7 most common relationship destroying sins and here they are for you:
The Seven Deadly Sins in a Relationship
In my opinion jealousy is one of the most negative and destructive emotions there is. Never will positive come out of jealousy.
It results from fear of loss and tenure and is strictly ego-based. It’s one of the greatest threats to a relationship.
A jealous partner can truly diminish your quality of life, and I’ve seen couples splitting up because of this, despite the fact that they love each other.
Overcoming jealousy is not so easy, but it must start at its roots. The only way is to work on your self-love, and to increase trust in your relationship. That is something you have to accomplish together.
Clinging is clearly another manifestation of the fear of loss. It is the weaker “brother” of jealousy and manifests itself through different ways, seemingly through repeated reassurances of love.
You are convinced that you don’t deserve your partner, and cling to them verbally or literally. This is very often overwhelming, and will make the partner feel trapped.
Persons coming from a fresh, difficult break up or divorce very often tend to cling in their new relationships.
3. Lack of Respect and Inattentiveness
Every fulfilling relationship is based on mutual respect. Without respect there will be conflicts or even abuse.
Inattentiveness is a slow process, which can manifest after years in a relationship. This is taking the partner for granted, not making any efforts to maintain the relationship.
4. Wrong Ideas of a Relationship
What do you expect from a relationship, from your partner? Do you want to fulfill your childhood dream of the prince riding on the white horse, who will make all your problems go away at once?
Do you believe that a relationship is always the endless love of which songs and poems are singing about? Everything will work out on its own, if only you love enough?
If you believe all of this, then your relationship will fail. To know that you have to work in your relationship every day for your happiness is the key to success.
5. Having too high Expectations
Having too high expectations of a relationship right from the start will cause many problems. Not every man/girl is the love of your life and not every relationship is meant to be.
Know exactly what you are looking for in a partner, but don’t set the bar too high.
Unrealistic expectations will eventually lead to self-induced discontent.
6. Losing Communication
Losing communication in a relationship is a silent killer. You only detect it when it’s almost too late. This is especially a problem in long term relationships of many years.
There are many ways to fight this. If you have nothing to talk about, then the solution is, of course, to create new mutual interests you could have a discussion about.
If you do not have the time for long conversations, then set a fixed day in the week with one hour, where you really talk with each other (don’t forget to turn off the TV).
Communication is the key.
7. Lost in Routine
Ever been in a relationship where everything starts to get boring, because it’s always the same? The same talk, the same places you go, even the sex is always the same.
Well, the solution for this is obvious: break free! Create new opportunities, go to different places, meet new people, try something crazy together. The possibilities are endless, you just have to do it together.
“Anything different is good”, as Bill Murray said in Groundhog Day.
The knowledge of the most common relationship killing mistakes allows you to constantly question your behavior and do your best to avoid them, whether you come from a divorce or live in a happy relationship.
Furthermore, you are now able to spot the potential causes of occurring conflicts and resolve them.
This will bring you a step closer to that happy fulfilling relationship you dream about.
For that I wish you all the best.
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(Photograph is from istockphoto / vasiliki)