Do you make these mistakes in your relationship?
There is one particular fear that is usually waiting for you when you are finally over your break up or divorce: The fear of the next relationship. The fear that all you went through, will eventually happen again.
The path to the healing was arduous. The pain unimaginable. You really never want to go through something like that again. Ever!
That is very understandable. Unfortunately nobody can guarantee you that, but there is one thing I can guarantee you:
If you have gone through the phases of a break up correctly, you will cope much better with a potential future break up than you did before.
Also, it helps, if you know the 7 deadly sins in a relationship.
Surviving the Break Up
The last phase in getting over a break up is “the reopening”, where you learn to open yourself up for new relationships again. You have learned so much in the past months/years.
You really did a tremendous job:
- You've become a stronger person
- You know yourself better
- You have realized that self-love is the vital premise for a happy life
- You've gained knowledge of the reasons which led to your break up or divorce back then, and managed to distance yourself emotionally from it
- You are able to forgive your Ex and move on
You are now ready for a new relationship.
Fighting the Fear
But what if you make the same mistakes you've made earlier? What if you fall into the same habits as before and drive your new partner away?
First of all: fear is never a good counselor. You should always look positive and confident into the future. But I understand where this is coming from.
You can overcome this fear the same way you can overcome every other fear: knowledge and action. First you have to know the main causes for a disturbance in a relationship, then you have to stop making them.
What are the main causes that relationships fail?
The causes are numerous. But you will observe that certain mistakes (I should better say “character flaws”) that are very common, can destroy even the happiest relationship. It is very important to know them and to react immediately, as soon as you notice them in you.
I have put together the 7 most common relationship destroying sins and here they are for you:
The Seven Deadly Sins in a Relationship
In my opinion jealousy is one of the most negative and destructive emotions there is. Never will positive come out of jealousy.
It results from fear of loss and tenure and is strictly ego-based. It's one of the greatest threats to a relationship.
A jealous partner can truly diminish your quality of life, and I've seen couples splitting up because of this, despite the fact that they love each other.
Overcoming jealousy is not so easy, but it must start at its roots. The only way is to work on your self-love, and to increase trust in your relationship. That is something you have to accomplish together.
Clinging is clearly another manifestation of the fear of loss. It is the weaker “brother” of jealousy and manifests itself through different ways, seemingly through repeated reassurances of love.
You are convinced that you don't deserve your partner, and cling to them verbally or literally. This is very often overwhelming, and will make the partner feel trapped.
Persons coming from a fresh, difficult break up or divorce very often tend to cling in their new relationships.
3. Lack of Respect and Inattentiveness
Every fulfilling relationship is based on mutual respect. Without respect there will be conflicts or even abuse.
Inattentiveness is a slow process, which can manifest after years in a relationship. This is taking the partner for granted, not making any efforts to maintain the relationship.
4. Wrong Ideas of a Relationship
What do you expect from a relationship, from your partner? Do you want to fulfill your childhood dream of the prince riding on the white horse, who will make all your problems go away at once?
Do you believe that a relationship is always the endless love of which songs and poems are singing about? Everything will work out on its own, if only you love enough?
If you believe all of this, then your relationship will fail. To know that you have to work in your relationship every day for your happiness is the key to success.
5. Having too high Expectations
Having too high expectations of a relationship right from the start will cause many problems. Not every man/girl is the love of your life and not every relationship is meant to be.
Know exactly what you are looking for in a partner, but don't set the bar too high.
Unrealistic expectations will eventually lead to self-induced discontent.
6. Losing Communication
Losing communication in a relationship is a silent killer. You only detect it when it's almost too late. This is especially a problem in long term relationships of many years.
There are many ways to fight this. If you have nothing to talk about, then the solution is, of course, to create new mutual interests you could have a discussion about.
If you do not have the time for long conversations, then set a fixed day in the week with one hour, where you really talk with each other (don't forget to turn off the TV).
Communication is the key.
7. Lost in Routine
Ever been in a relationship where everything starts to get boring, because it's always the same? The same talk, the same places you go, even the sex is always the same.
Well, the solution for this is obvious: break free! Create new opportunities, go to different places, meet new people, try something crazy together. The possibilities are endless, you just have to do it together.
“Anything different is good”, as Bill Murray said in Groundhog Day.
The knowledge of the most common relationship killing mistakes allows you to constantly question your behavior and do your best to avoid them, whether you come from a divorce or live in a happy relationship.
Furthermore, you are now able to spot the potential causes of occurring conflicts and resolve them.
This will bring you a step closer to that happy fulfilling relationship you dream about.
For that, I wish you all the best.
If you liked this article, please share it. I'd appreciate it. 🙂
I made a lot those mistakes towards the end, because of numerous personal issues which I was just trapped in, although I know thats not really an excuse. I didnt know how to communicate and it took him breaking up with me to really see and acknowledge what I was doing. I’m working on bettering on myself and figuring out why I did the things I did, so I can make sure not to repeat it, he knows this. Maybe in time he will let the pain I caused him subside and be able to find forgiveness and build something new and stronger. And if not, then it will have all been a very difficult lesson that I needed to learn, so I could get myself to the best version of me.
Great article.. This should be read before actual breakup.. Now its over for me 🙁 I did all 7 sins… I was aware of them, tried to solve it together.. But he said they were mine problems, and I have to resolve them myself.. I obviously couldn’t 🙁
But I hope I’ll learn from this…
One part psycho-social moral analysis, one part satirical commentary with a dash of postmodern commentary added for flavor, The 7 Deadly Sins: A Very Partial List by Aviad Kleinberg purports a new spin on the accepted concepts of sin. … Kleinberg begins by examining the biblical origins of sin and the relationship between man and God in light of sin. He questions the nature of man’s free will from creation to the formation of religion and other …
I’ve tried to slowly fight each of the deadly sins in a relationship. It’s not easy. It takes a lot of growth and maturity, but most importantly it takes a lot of self-love..self-confidence…a high sense of self-worth. With regards to number 7, I tried my best to prevent that…I tried doing Kegel exercises and purchasing pleasure objects to spice up our sex life…It worked, but the underlying problems still surfaced in spite of the good surprises and great sex.
Wow. I can honestly say that my last relationship had every single one of these problems. Some were mine and some were his and some were caused by both of us. In the back of my mind I could see it, but my heart kept me blinded to reality!
I broke up with my ex-boyfriend because he was too clingy… literally. He would hug my arm and ask me if I love him every 10 seconds while walking on the sidewalk. then he would demand to know where I was or what i was doing every 10 minutes, and call me at least 3 times a day. I don't know if this happens to everyone, but having a clingy guy made me feel trapped. I broke up with him, but he still calls me every 10 minutes to ask me if I would take him back. after a month, he called me the last time and demanded that I won't tell anyone how clingy he was. I obviously could not listen to him after a month of long, boring, and annoying phone calls. If you have a clingy boyfriend, the be careful. he might drag you down and trap you.
3 times is not to much to call a significant other.
My ex of 3 years just broke up with me 2 months ago and i'm still finding it hard to let go. He keeps calling me and texting me even though he says he's in love with another girl just because he claims that i'll always be his best friend. I really hate him but i cant bear to ignore him completely.
I'm so screwed but i guess i'm trying to let go bit by bit.
Thanks for all that help, Eddie! 😀
I have just gone through my second divorce June and decided I need time just for me. An old friend from years ago came into my life recently and is in a relationship he does not want to be in. He has taken me to dinner and given me flowers twice now. I realized that we were turning into a relationship, yet, I know I am not ready and don’t want one. Red flag 1: he is still with his gf, even if in separate rooms it is not really over Red flag 2: he has told me he loves me and sees us growing old together. I backed off, I do like him, but said we need to wait. Now I am sucked back in again and need to reestablish the boundaries. I think having someone, after my former husband found a new full time gf so quickly played a role, he is a nice guy and it is an ego boost. But I also feel that what little free time I have is being used to plan around seeing him again, and that is not how I want to spend my time. I want to keep the friendship, but the intimacy is something I am not ready for. I also got pulled back in when I heard from him less, realizing now that he really can’t be that free with me either, he has to finish ending what he has, so I got put on the shelf. How do you do this gracefully?
I love your website. Your insights on Break-ups have givien me a great deal of clarity. I just left my boyfriend of 4 years three days ago because I found out he had been seeing another girl. IT WAS SO HARD TO LEAVE. I can’t describe it in any other way except that it felt like my heart had melted. He was my bestfriend. I thought we had a great relationship and that we would always be a team. He says it started because we weren’t intimate enough. He was wrong to see someone else before ending it with me. He could have save undue hurt and pain by just being honest with me. He was right because we had talked about working on intimacy issues but I dreaded it because I got lost in routine and I lost attraction to him because the ambitions that once made him the man I loved were no longer there. He had no goals or interests in finding a direction in life. I felt like I was always mothering him and giving him things to get excited about that he could try to do. I got so lost in his indecisions that our whole relationship became that way too. It was hard to leave because I felt sorry for him because he has no sense of direction, no car, no furniture—it was all mine. But I knew that if I didn’t I would resent him and would drive myself crazy with insecurities about where he was at ….what’s he doing …..who’s he with……kind of stuff……..and I don’t want to be that person. I’m accepting that it’s hard to be true to yourself sometimes when your heart is broken but that there are people that care about you and want to see you happy. I know I will have weak moments but they are fewer as I start to decide more and more what I want out of life. I am taking this time to heal and to rebuild my self-esteem instead of focusing on what could have been. I have accepted that I don’t want my ex-boyfriend anymore and that it’s okay to start living again!