Do you make these mistakes in your relationship?
There is one particular fear that is usually waiting for you when you are finally over your break up or divorce: The fear of the next relationship. The fear that all you went through, will eventually happen again.
The path to the healing was arduous. The pain unimaginable. You really never want to go through something like that again. Ever!
That is very understandable. Unfortunately nobody can guarantee you that, but there is one thing I can guarantee you:
If you have gone through the phases of a break up correctly, you will cope much better with a potential future break up than you did before.
Also, it helps, if you know the 7 deadly sins in a relationship.
Surviving the Break Up
The last phase in getting over a break up is “the reopening”, where you learn to open yourself up for new relationships again. You have learned so much in the past months/years.
You really did a tremendous job:
- You've become a stronger person
- You know yourself better
- You have realized that self-love is the vital premise for a happy life
- You've gained knowledge of the reasons which led to your break up or divorce back then, and managed to distance yourself emotionally from it
- You are able to forgive your Ex and move on
You are now ready for a new relationship.
Fighting the Fear
But what if you make the same mistakes you've made earlier? What if you fall into the same habits as before and drive your new partner away?
First of all: fear is never a good counselor. You should always look positive and confident into the future. But I understand where this is coming from.
You can overcome this fear the same way you can overcome every other fear: knowledge and action. First you have to know the main causes for a disturbance in a relationship, then you have to stop making them.
What are the main causes that relationships fail?
The causes are numerous. But you will observe that certain mistakes (I should better say “character flaws”) that are very common, can destroy even the happiest relationship. It is very important to know them and to react immediately, as soon as you notice them in you.
I have put together the 7 most common relationship destroying sins and here they are for you:
The Seven Deadly Sins in a Relationship
1. Jealousy
In my opinion jealousy is one of the most negative and destructive emotions there is. Never will positive come out of jealousy.
It results from fear of loss and tenure and is strictly ego-based. It's one of the greatest threats to a relationship.
A jealous partner can truly diminish your quality of life, and I've seen couples splitting up because of this, despite the fact that they love each other.
Overcoming jealousy is not so easy, but it must start at its roots. The only way is to work on your self-love, and to increase trust in your relationship. That is something you have to accomplish together.
2. Clinging
Clinging is clearly another manifestation of the fear of loss. It is the weaker “brother” of jealousy and manifests itself through different ways, seemingly through repeated reassurances of love.
You are convinced that you don't deserve your partner, and cling to them verbally or literally. This is very often overwhelming, and will make the partner feel trapped.
Persons coming from a fresh, difficult break up or divorce very often tend to cling in their new relationships.
3. Lack of Respect and Inattentiveness
Every fulfilling relationship is based on mutual respect. Without respect there will be conflicts or even abuse.
Inattentiveness is a slow process, which can manifest after years in a relationship. This is taking the partner for granted, not making any efforts to maintain the relationship.
4. Wrong Ideas of a Relationship
What do you expect from a relationship, from your partner? Do you want to fulfill your childhood dream of the prince riding on the white horse, who will make all your problems go away at once?
Do you believe that a relationship is always the endless love of which songs and poems are singing about? Everything will work out on its own, if only you love enough?
If you believe all of this, then your relationship will fail. To know that you have to work in your relationship every day for your happiness is the key to success.
5. Having too high Expectations
Having too high expectations of a relationship right from the start will cause many problems. Not every man/girl is the love of your life and not every relationship is meant to be.
Know exactly what you are looking for in a partner, but don't set the bar too high.
Unrealistic expectations will eventually lead to self-induced discontent.
6. Losing Communication
Losing communication in a relationship is a silent killer. You only detect it when it's almost too late. This is especially a problem in long term relationships of many years.
There are many ways to fight this. If you have nothing to talk about, then the solution is, of course, to create new mutual interests you could have a discussion about.
If you do not have the time for long conversations, then set a fixed day in the week with one hour, where you really talk with each other (don't forget to turn off the TV).
Communication is the key.
7. Lost in Routine
Ever been in a relationship where everything starts to get boring, because it's always the same? The same talk, the same places you go, even the sex is always the same.
Well, the solution for this is obvious: break free! Create new opportunities, go to different places, meet new people, try something crazy together. The possibilities are endless, you just have to do it together.
“Anything different is good”, as Bill Murray said in Groundhog Day.
Conclusion
The knowledge of the most common relationship killing mistakes allows you to constantly question your behavior and do your best to avoid them, whether you come from a divorce or live in a happy relationship.
Furthermore, you are now able to spot the potential causes of occurring conflicts and resolve them.
This will bring you a step closer to that happy fulfilling relationship you dream about.
For that, I wish you all the best.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
If you liked this article, please share it. I'd appreciate it. 🙂
Eddie you are great! I have been going through a rough break up and everything you say has helped. I thought it was a good idea to watch the movie “He’s just not that into you” I like the movie but the points you make are much more valid! You should make a movie. Thanks for the help, I have been referring people in similar situations to this website.
oh yeah, really agree with it
got an over 1 year long distance relationship even met his family, things goes well, until i back and made the huge mistake on point 2#, now seems break up last month….
dunno if anythig still can save it, feel too into it,can never be serious like this time i guess…
It feels so good to be able to say that, does it – to have learned something on that way makes all the suffering worth it.
I have taken 3 years to get over my last love. I have finally come to realise that this man never loved me and that he used me and degraded me and that instead of me speaking my mind on a few things I allowed him to in subtle way to put my body and my feelings down in a most extraordinary way . I hung in there way too long but I can say it now. HEY SUNSHINE I AM SO OVER YOU.I feel good now.
Boredom, communication breakdown, routine and lack of respect are serious issues that contribute to other areas failing. We slowly creep towards it, sometimes too busy to notice until we usually explode. We should be taking the time to connect, to listen, to share and to respect each other. Great post. You raise the import atributes of why relationships fail.
Thanks for the advises. Breaking up is really hard but life got to go on.
I think that clingling is the worst of all.
Thanks for this info. I passed it on to a friend who is now going through a relationship crisis and about all you mention here I told him already… Relationships are hard work, that is for sure a fact ! Keep up the great work.
Markus, i can relate.. it’s the worst but he doesnt ever actually leave.and i dont ever want him to go!!! i feel that u don’t know what you have till you loose it. And maybe she’ll realize..you’re for her..and she’ll be back for u and only u!!!@Markus –
all of them:
Pride because I often take pride in something I’ve achieved.
Greed because I always want more than I have
Envy because I’m often jealous of my husband and anyone else who’s better off than I am.
Wrath because I’m quick to get back at people.
Lust is sort of a past one. I cheated on my husband for a full year while we were in separate countries. I haven’t cheated in two years but I still Lust for him.
Gluttony… we’re in America.
Sloth is a big one. I’m always on my rear and I hate work.
Wow, I sound like a terrible person.
@Mimi
Madame,
To remove this foul human being from your live, contact the Immigration Department first, then get an order from the court barring him for your property. Please then make a call to the Police telling them of your order and when he will return.
This monster of man will not being an illegal put up a fight with the INS, the Court and the Police. He is too selfish to bring harm to himself.
You are strong enough to do this, and will prove when you complete it.
Love and peace to you
I am with my live-in boyfriend of almost 2 years. I am 47 years old, he is 36 years old. I am a Caucasion American, he is a Black illegal alien from Kenya, East Africa.
I am a middle aged overweight empty nester who feels extremely lonely and longing for a nice man to have a loving relationship with. He is a negative, bitter, envious, jealous, childish, alcoholic controlling man who only thinks his ways are the right ways and shows no care or concern for anyone’s feelings but his own.
He has told me not to love him because he doesnt want that. He has told me he is not capable of returning love and I should go and find someone who can but then refuses to leave my home and allow me to move on with my life.
He is still legally married to an African American woman who he still is having contact with stringing her along trying to get his papers.
He has told me numerous times on several different occassions that I am not the woman for him. He has told me that I am not petite and that his type of woman should be very skinny and petite, young and of child bearing age. He has told me that he doesnt enjoy having sex with me but he does so “to keep me from having sex with anyone else” so that I do not cheat on him. He has told me that because I am 11 years older than he is and cannot have children anymore he will find a very skinny young woman to have kids with. Someone from his own country (Kenya). He told me just the other day, “what type of a future can I have with you? I cannot have a future with you. You cannot give me children. I am a 37 year old young man and I want to have a couple of kids — 2 kids.” He has one child from a previous relationship living in his country of origin (Kenya) that he has never met or seen face to face. He left his country to come to the USA when his girlfriend was still pregnant.
When he sees me in a good mood he will do anything in his power to make me angry either by saying something insulting or calling women in his country and then speaking to them in Swahili giggling and laughing so that I cannot understand what he is saying. He claims these women who are calling him and he is calling are his “cousins”. He has received text messages from his so called “cousins” that were written in ENGLISH that said “my sweetheart this is your love”…. Hardly seems like a cousin to me!
He has told me that he doesnt have to speak in English just for me and that if I want to know what he is saying I should learn to speak his language which is Swahili. His previous marriage to an African American woman failed but she still clings to him and is trying to get him to go back living with her. She has two young children from two different failed relationships. She is much younger than me and just a few years younger than he is (age 33) and is of child bearing age.
The love I once felt for this man has turned to pure HATE and I cannot stand the very sight of him. I don’t know how to get rid of him!!!!
Met a great girl, she told me everything I’ve been secretly waiting all my life to hear. As a man, I crave a woman to tell me I’m hot and that she respects me, so know what I mean. she came along and ruffled my feathers, pushed all my buttons. I fell hard for her. Then I panicked, I froze with fear, I knew she was married, never intended to fall for her. Now, she’s gone. I miss her. I hate her. I love her. I hate her. I never want to see her. But, I want her. She loves me, man.
Debb, thank you for sharing your thoughts.
It happens very often that we don’t get the opportunity for closure. It’s difficult.
But to get over it we in reality don’t need closure, it’s just a question of acceptance. Once you are beyond the acceptance-phase, you will no longer feel the need for closure.
All the best,
Eddie
Hi, going through many of the break up sins above !! My thoughts, as long as we concentrate on the other partner and what their reasons are/could be, we keep that Negative Energy/Emotion coming from them, flowing through us!! This again as Stated by Eddie C. is Negative Emotions & or Energy we don’t need to expierence!!!! Only Harmful so Let it go and be OK with Yourself!!
Heart Felt Empathy to All that are Hurting!!!!
Hi …I just thought I’d let you know that I am in the midst of “surviving” a break~up and reading all these mini articles have helped me greatly firstly by validateing that I am indeed not “crazy” and that these intense feelings i have are normal.. and secondly by after taking all this in (your articles) I have found that a I am coping in a healthy manner as i am already doing all the things you suggest here ..
The worst part of my journey is this (the short version) ..
We have been dating exclusively for a year having a long distance relationship seeing each other one week a month .. but communicating at length daily .. though Email .. beautiful love letters and long phone calls etc. .. and then he started acting odd but he never actually “broke~up” with me .. meaning he never told me he was done and needed to move on without me he just simply stopped talking with me, then slowly stopped answering my calls and e~mails .. but when he did answer he just kept telling me reassuring everything’s fine and that he’s just real busy with work and that things would get back “normal” soon, however they never did (get back to normal)
I knew something was very wrong but before i confront him and end the relationship with him face to face well he without reason or explanation was just GONE .. he stopped contacting me completely !
I know now that he’s fine as in alive and well as i have inadvertently ran across his path online .. lol .. needlessly to say being left behind without ANY kind of good~bye brings about a whole extra and unnecessary hurts to deal with .. and so agin that has been the hardest part of coping ah well anyway I’m getting better and am almost back to me ..
Just felt like sharing ..
Thank You for both your empathy and validation,
Debb
Very usefull tips and advice. Keep up the good work.
This is a very informative site. I wish I knew all of this prior. However moving forward I have the knowledge to have a healthy relationship. Thanks for the information.
Thank you for your thoughts.
Jealousy is principally a negative emotion, no matter where it’s coming from. Positive can come out of it for a short time in some cases, but in the majority and when it becomes permanent it will lead to serious relationship problems.
You can ask the girlfriends and wives of controlling and stalking men about it, this happens more often than we realize.
Only when we are able to overcome this strong emotion by going to it’s “roots” , should we experience it, a strong and stable relationship would be possible.
My boyfriend and i just broke up. I would say mutual agreement. He is very jealous, possessive and insecure. When sometimes he will come to the point of sneaking on my car to see if he can find something unusual. I love him despite of his flaws because i believe when you love someone you also have to accept who they are. He did try his best but most of the time he can’t help himself but breakdown.
Two days before we broke up, He told me that i gave him anxiety and he is not sleeping well. He cried and cried as in literally sobbing in front of me. I told him that i was sorry if i have caused him pain and i told him that i love him. He said, that he doesn’t love me anymore. We have a long distance relationship. After he told me that he doesn’t love me anymore he sobbed and said, i don’t live where you are. I am just so far away. ( insecurity pattern of him ). He said, He don’t know what to do anymore and breaking up our relationship seems to be his option. So, i gave him that without hard feelings.
After i left, few minutes later, he called me and told me that he misses me already. And before he went to bed he called me again to say goodnight and he woke me up the next morning so i get ready for work. These are the stuff that he do for 2 solid years with me. And until now that we already broke up.
Does anyone can explain this kind of behavior? He in fact wants to meet me for dinner today. I’m confused but i just let him have his emotions playing around his head cuz i don’t think i can do anything about it. I told him though, that i want us to move forward and make plans for the future, giving him the idea that i am happy with him and wanted to move to the next level.
any thoughts pls.
I disagree with #1.
Jealously is normal and it comes down to how strong your self-esteem is to cope.
Jealously can be a great wake up call so you know where you stand in a relationship. If you obsess over comparing yourself with others and make assumptions that is when it is destructive.
Jealously is also destructive if the issue is shunned, dismissed and not discussed at all.
Want to ruin a relationship? When someones says they are jealous ignore them. That is a perfect way to see if you are with the right person or not is if they take other peoples feelings into consideration.
Jealousy is normal? When someones says they are jealous ignore them? Ding ding ding ding – Red Flag.
This is a really great post. I think you have highlighted well some of the factors that can cause problems in a relationship, especially jealousy and clinging.
Doug
Relationship Coach
http://www.dougwoods.com