I must have heard this often used consolation phrase a thousand times back then. In fact, I heard it so often that it made me sick every time.
Because it did not offer me any comfort. It just gave me a small peak into an uncertain future.
Which phrase am I talking about?
The advice that is given most often at the beginning of a relationship break up:
“Time will heal all wounds… eventually.”
When you suffer from a break up or divorce all you want is INSTANT release, not a remotely possible outlook. You’re not open to things that may happen in 2 years. Your pain is NOW, and it’s very real.
Unfortunately this advice does not offer any release.
The only advice that really helped me in the very beginning of my breakup, (2 days after), came from a close friend wanting to give me comfort.
He just said that all of this must be a mistake, and that she will come to her senses eventually. “After all”, he said, “you were about to getting married.”
Man, that made me feel better. I felt REALLY good… for about two hours. Then reality caught up with me.
Pain was there again in all its cruelty.
It was then that I understood that I really had to go through this, as cruel as this thought might have been. I had to endure this excruciating pain, and there was nothing that could save me from that.
We must be aware of 3 things during the FIRST days after a break up or divorce (the pre-phase of a break up):
1. There is nothing that can make the pain go away in an instant
There is no magic pill or spell.
There is nothing that anyone could say or do to make your pain disappear completely in an instant.
Even if your girl/boyfriend came back, (which happens very rarely), there will be a scar and the relationship is seldom as it were before. That’s a fact.
People you meet will feel helpless. They will give advice, consolation or some stories they’ve heard or experienced before. None of this will help you very much in the first days of your break up.
The pre-phase is mostly shock and panic. It’s very important to know that.
2. Panic is a powerful emotion
Panic is overwhelming.
Panic doesn’t let us see anything else – we are completely caught up in it.
Panic is a strong emotion that is hardwired into us. It would save Early Man from getting eaten by a sabertooth, but today it has lost its purpose.
It has become a negative emotion, which takes away control from us. This is what leads to the possibility of chasing, pleading, begging, phoning, e-mailing or harassing your Ex.
Know that what you are experiencing in the beginning of the break up is mostly panic:
Panic that you won’t be able to survive alone. It is the feeling of a small child finding themselves alone and abandoned in a big city.
It’s an “emotional chain reaction” as I call it: it triggers the cycle of negative thoughts which leads to more suffering.
If you are experienced in mind control and meditation, you can break this process right from the beginning.
For now, just remember:
In the beginning, it’s not love or missing the person – it’s not even real emotional pain – it’s only panic.
It’s easier to deal with it, if you know where it’s coming from.
3. You are not thinking straight
Don’t trust yourself and your judgment in the early stages of your break up or divorce. It is very likely that you don’t see the situation as it is.
In most cases you WILL know if the break up is definite or not. If it is, then this is all you need to know.
Don’t worry about reasons, possibilities, new relationships, etc.
Be aware that the goal in the first days/weeks after a break up is to control the panic and the fear. Meditation and Mind Control is a good way to start, (you will find help on this site).
When you have survived the pre-phase, you have to face the first phase: Acceptance.
On your way through the different phases, the arduous path of break up recovery, you will be aware of a certain fact eventually. Something that you never thought would be possible in the beginning:
Time DOES heal all wounds.
And with it comes a new, better, stronger and more independent YOU.
(Photograph is a courtesy of nyki_m)