“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ― Dalai Lama
I used to tell her all the time, “If we broke up right now, you would probably be a little sad for a week or so, and then perfectly happy again, right?”
She was supposed to say that this wasn’t true at all, and that she would be devastated – if not for the rest of her life…then at least for a few years. This would have proven to me how much she really loved me.
How stupid and insecure I was. As if the intensity and duration of suffering after a breakup were a measurement for the love you felt during the relationship.
You suffer a lot means you have loved a lot.
This is all kinds of wrong.
If you cared about your partner, you will suffer. But the HOW and how LONG you suffer, is within your control, even if it doesn’t feel this way now.
A breakup, (or a divorce), is often a trigger for experiences or events that you may have hidden in your subconscious. Things you don’t want to be aware of.
Your dark closet.
An existential event like a breakup opens this hidden closet with force, and then not only do we have to deal with the fact that our partner is gone, now we are additionally burdened with all the stuff that we’ve avoided so well over the years. The pain of past breakups, insecurities about ourselves, bad stuff from our childhood and lots more.
All of this inevitably leads to one fatal – and yet so wrong – conclusion. That we aren’t good enough. That there’s something wrong with us.
And that, my friends, is truly dark and self-damaging stuff.
Such a way of thinking – if not nipped in the bud – will damage you. It will prevent you from getting better, and even worse, it will keep you spinning in the rat race of bad relationships.
Why do we keep choosing the wrong partners? Why do we keep having the same experiences over and over again?
“Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.” ― Steve Maraboli
When I finally “woke up” and realized that the problem was not with THEM leaving me, but that it was ME attracting the wrong partners right from the start, it was a revelation.
It forced me to take responsibility for my life.
Suddenly it wasn’t just “bad luck” in choosing partners, but a wrong mind-set.
You can’t fix “bad luck”, but you CAN fix a bad mind-set.
Once I understood that my fate and happiness was in my own hands, I knew that there was nothing that was holding me back.
I stopped being a victim. I stopped blaming others for what went wrong in my life, and started playing an ACTIVE role in my life. I was passive for way too long.
Things always “happened” to me. Now I make things happen in my life.
This is what I wish for you.
That you realize that you HAVE control over your life and you start playing an ACTIVE role.
Following the “No-Contact Rule” is the first step.
Taking care of yourself, of your needs, thoughts, and wishes is the next one. You have to put yourself first now.
I know that all your dreams and plans for the future have been shattered to pieces, everything you hoped for, and I’m really sorry for that. But you have the choice to see this event as the worst thing that ever happened to you, or the best thing.
I know what you are thinking.
How can something like this be the best thing that ever happened?
Well, it was for me.
It’s the event that made me the person I am today, and I really like how I am today. I hated how I was back then. Isn’t THAT alone worth the pain and the despair?
Of course this had severe consequences… I mean ME, liking myself all of a sudden.
When you like yourself, magical things start to happen. You don’t tolerate wrong partners. You don’t tolerate your needs not being met. You don’t tolerate not being happy.
You want the best for yourself. No more, no less.
And before you know it, your world changes. Day by day, experience by experience. Until one day, you wake up thinking, “Wow, how did this happen?”
It started to happen the one day you altered your mind-set, made change possible, and attracted new possibilities.
It started to happen the day you refused to be a victim anymore and took control of your life.
Who am I? What is in the dark closet?
Ask bravely, face the consequences and play an active part in your life. That is how lasting change is made.
Do you feel it? Do you feel that it’s possible?
Then start NOW.
Not in a hour, not in a day, not next Monday.
P.S.: What will be your first step besides having started No-Contact with your Ex? Please share bravely in the comment section below.