How To Turn Your Painful Break-Up Into A Victory

Photo by: SomeDriftwood

“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ― Dalai Lama

I used to tell her all the time, “If we broke up right now, you would probably be a little sad for a week or so, and then perfectly happy again, right?”

She was supposed to say that this wasn’t true at all and that she would be devastated – if not for the rest of her life … then at least for a few years.

This would have proven to me how much she loved me.

How stupid and insecure I was.

As if the intensity and duration of suffering after a breakup were a measurement for the love you felt during the relationship.

You suffer a lot means you have loved a lot.

That’s is all kinds of wrong.

Not getting what you want after a breakupThe way you handle a breakup is absolutely no indication whether your love was real or not in the relationship.

It is merely an indication for your self-awareness and self-control.

If you cared about your partner, you will suffer.

But the HOW and how LONG you suffer, is within your control, even if it doesn’t feel this way now.

A breakup, (or a divorce), is often a trigger for experiences or events that you may have hidden in your subconscious.

Things you don’t want to be aware of.

Your dark closet.

An existential event like a breakup opens this hidden closet with force, and then not only do we have to deal with the fact that our partner is gone, now we are additionally burdened with all the stuff that we’ve avoided so well over the years.

The pain of past breakups, insecurities about ourselves, bad stuff from our childhood and lots more.

All of this inevitably leads to one fatal – and yet so wrong – conclusion:

That we aren’t good enough. That there’s something wrong with us.

And that, my friends, is truly dark and self-damaging stuff.

Such a way of thinking – if not nipped in the bud – will damage you. It will prevent you from getting better, and even worse, it will keep you spinning in the rat race of bad relationships.

Why do we keep choosing the wrong partners? Why do we keep having the same experiences over and over again?

“Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.” ― Steve Maraboli

When I finally “woke up” and realized that the problem was not with THEM leaving me, but that it was ME attracting the wrong partners right from the start, it was a revelation.

It forced me to take responsibility for my life.

Suddenly it wasn’t just “bad luck” in choosing partners, but a wrong mindset.

You can’t fix “bad luck,” but you CAN fix a wrong mindset.

Once I understood that my fate and happiness was in my own hands, I knew that there was nothing that was holding me back.

I stopped being a victim. I stopped blaming others for what went wrong in my life and started playing an ACTIVE role in my life. I was passive for way too long.

Things always “happened” to me. Now I make things happen in my life.

This is what I wish for you.

That you realize that you HAVE control over your life and you start playing an ACTIVE role.

Following the “No-Contact Rule” is the first step.

Taking care of yourself, of your needs, thoughts, and wishes is the next one.

You have to put yourself first now.

I know that all your dreams and plans for the future have been shattered to pieces, everything you hoped for, and I’m really sorry for that.

But you have the choice to see this event as the worst thing that ever happened to you, or the best thing.

I know what you are thinking.

How can something like this be the best thing that ever happened?

Well, it was for me.

It’s the event that made me the person I am today, and I really like how I am today.

I hated how I was back then. Isn’t THAT alone worth the pain and the despair?

Of course, this had severe consequences … I mean ME, liking myself all of a sudden.

When you like yourself, magical things start to happen.

You don’t tolerate wrong partners.

You don’t tolerate your needs not being met.

You don’t tolerate not being happy.

You want the best for yourself. No more, no less.

And before you know it, your world changes. Day by day, experience by experience.

Until one day, you wake up thinking, “Wow, how did this happen?”

It started to happen the one day you altered your mindset, made change possible, and attracted new possibilities.

It started to happen the day you refused to be a victim anymore and took control of your life.

Who am I? What is in the dark closet?

Ask bravely, face the consequences and play an active part in your life. That is how lasting change is made.

Do you feel it? Do you feel that it’s possible?

Then start NOW.

Not in an hour, not in a day, not next Monday.

TODAY.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

P.S.: What will be your first step besides having started No-Contact with your Ex? Please share bravely in the comment section below.

  • Hi everyone may I please have some advice i have been dating my boyfriend for 1 year now. Has was the perfect Bf for the first 9 months and has been making plans to buy a place and move together. I thought i had found the special one in my life. He lives 3 hours away but always made any effort to spend weekends together. At the begin of our relationship i wasn’t happy because he still living with his ex as they own the property together. They even sleep in the same bed but i do believe they don’t have any sex and intimate contact apart from the friendship. They have been together for 15 years but he said that his ex even knows about me and about his plans of living him as soon as they sell the house. Few weeks ago we went to see a mortgage adviser and looked few places but after found the one place we liked he freaked out and said that he doesn’t want to move from where he is anymore as he has all family and friends around there and he knows i can’t give up my job here to move to where he lives. I tryed to understand his insecurity of moving away from his family and friends as he is 27 years older than me. He is now 68 but i don’t have any problem with his age as i love him so much. We supposed to be going away on holiday this weekend but after an argument about his changing his mind moving together he told me that he has cancelled the holiday and decided to go to see his children instead because he thought i would never want to see him again. During the week i thought the whole thing wasn’t right so i decided to call the hotel and ask if he has cancelled the holiday and they said that everything has been confirmed under his name, including a romantic double room. I don’t feel strong enough to confront him and he keeps texting me to say that he is enjoying the country side with his children and i know he is lying but i don’t know who is with him?? I have been thinking about to go to the hotel and find out but i am too scared to face the reality in case he is with his children or with somebody else in the hotel. All my friends don’t think he is with his children but with someone else or with his ex. Why has he hided from me if it wasn’t nothing serious?? Am i too suspicious or paranoid?? Is this situation normal and am i the one who is creating all drama for nothing?? Please help me.

    • Hi Nat
      you mentioned you are too scared to face what might be happening and if this is the case would therefore prefer the slow soul destroying drip fed pain of not taking charge of your situation. As a passenger all you can hope for is that he is going in the right direction. Take a deep breath, and look around you, he is driving away from the home you wish for and you know where this journey is going to end as he is already with someone else in the passenger seat and you are left sitting in the back holding your hands over your eyes. You are worth loving, whoever made you believe that you are not did some serious damage, look in the mirror, smile, cry, hold yourself. Love yourself and protect yourself from situations which will cause you so much more pain in the long run. All the best

  • Hi friends, i need help. I and my girlfriend have been dating for 6 years. When we meet i was self employeed as a Tiler on the construction department. She did not have a job at the time she did well in school she pass jer matric while me i did not Reach matric, i fail my Grade 10. When started dating we were happy with each other. We never use to fight, we used to be happy together giving each other advises, she used to listen to me because i am her man. but now love become a mass fighting become to much. We have a baby together, she tryd breaking up with me many times if i do bad to her. I sometimes use to wonder if this was true love or she just wanted me to help her and go her way. As we are talking 2012 she went to university but when she went there we end up having a misss undersrtng. 2015 she break up with me just because we urgue alot. For now as we are talking, i gave her adivsor to apply at onea school. When she get a job she became a bad person. Insulting me, with bad words. And i end up beating her fighting with her. Now as we are talking she is working but she break up with her. I did alot for her in her life. I use to think on how our baby going to grow up if are just like this. As am talking now, she told me that shes done with me . She don.t need me anymore and shes serious of what shes telling. And say i must find my own girlfriend but no her. I love her and i don.t want to loose her. What can i do to win her heart again

  • So me and my ex bf was together about 4 years… We argue about petty like me not taking the dog out or not have his food ready when he got off of work. But I work 2 jobs so I will be tired some days when he got off of work. So I think it started two weeks he went to his army training and we couldnt talk for 2 weeks so when he was texting me when he finally got to text me when he came when he was still at training he text me how much you love me and how much you want to marry me our future together blase blase. But then like four five days later he went out with his friends and he didn’t tell me that’s a no-go and our relationship Point Blank so when I call him I was okay why didn’t you tell me you was going out with your friends he’s like oh I don’t think it matter I’m going okay whatever so we arguing and then he got okay I’m coming home at 12 didn’t come home and so I went to another party after the argument so my okay whatever I’m not really sure that’s what you want to do. And so when he came home at like 3 in the morning he slept on the couch okay so you making the situation even worse and so when I got up that morning I packed my clothes and I was like I’m going to my mom’s house or whatever and he didn’t say nothing so when I got home I’ll call him and I’m like so you really not going to apologize and he tells me oh I think we need to take a break for real for real Im like what you mean he’s like I think we need a break I’m just so fed up…. so the situation was almost 2 months ago and between the two months we have been texting on and off I’ve been texting him like I didn’t give him no space but like maybe 3 days and I will text him in like greg you really going to do this relationship you really going to do this you really going to do this and he just keeps telling me I’m just fed up you keep doing this you taking me for granted and appreciated this how our conversations went. So I was a bridesmaid in his sister’s wedding and when I went to the wedding like he was so mixed emotions like one moment he call me babe then next minute he giving me the cold shoulder you know I’m saying like you really don’t care I don’t know if it was for the family or for what. So after the wedding you know I’m like if you see two people that you love you know I’m saying that’s been in your life so much get married and you don’t feel like you want to do you know reconcile what we have then maybe you really don’t love me no more so when we got back home I was like okay whatever I’m done he text me ask me for $60 and then we had a whole nother conversation about how I didn’t appreciate him and how I took him for granted which I feel like I did on some points in our relationship but for the most part I show him love and I love him. So where I’m at right now and I’ll text him a text message on his birthday and he was like yeah we should be friends but then when I went over his house to get some clothes I seen him and I just couldn’t retain myself with my emotions so I text him I was like so you really want to do this and so we got into another spat about you know are you going to give up on our relationship like for real for real and he just kept saying well now I don’t want and I’m not ready for a relationship I feel like you pressuring me to be in a relationship with you or whatever. So I text him and I’m like it’s a female is over a girl he tells me that he has this friend this best friend that he met at his army base and I’m like since when do we have you know friends best girl friends that we don’t tell each other about like since when. So I think that he’s messing around on me with this girl and comparing her to me the stuff I don’t do the stuff she’s willing to do I’m assuming I don’t know. But right now I had text him a text message on the 8th of June and he didn’t text me back so I text him again on the June 11th and I didn’t know he text me back cuz I have blocked his text messages so when I seen it four days later I text him back and he hasn’t text me back in 2 weeks. Now I’m in no contact I guess for 2 weeks I’m not going to text him or nothing but I just want to know like I don’t want to give up on him I don’t want to give up on us and I just want to know like should I because I feel like it’s hurting me you know the longer I keep holding on and trying to hold on to our relationship when he don’t want to.

  • Last year, I received multiple phone calls coming from woman who happened to be my ex-boyfriend’s current girlfriend. She demanded to know what was going on between the two of us. Despite the fact that I wasn’t fully aware of being the “other woman,” she had no business confronting me. I ended the confrontation, by hanging up on her. After wards, I blocked my ex-boyfriend’s number, because it wouldn’t make a bit of a difference if he were to explain his side of story.

    When we first met, he lied to me about him being a single man. He could have told me from the beginning about his relationship, so I wasn’t wasting my time. Of course my ex-boyfriend wanted to have his cake and eat it too, since he was nothing but a greedy bastard. I don’t trust him, so I wouldn’t be stupid enough to take him back. No one placed a gun to his head and forced him to cheat. He made a conscientious decision to do that, so he was fully aware of what he was getting himself into. Unfortunately, his girlfriend is too stupid to figure that out!!

    I dropped my ex-boyfriend like a hot potato, and honestly, I don’t regret my decision. I deserve to be with someone who’s honest, loyal, trustworthy and treats me with respect. Although the incident occurred last year, I can’t help but continue to be angry towards him.

  • Hi there. I know this post is from last year but it rings very true to home for me right now. My story reads….met this girl 4 years my junior on a dating website. She was absolutely gorgeous to me but she seemed to be slightly insecure about herself. After the first couple of weeks of very fast and heated intimacy (no sex) she suddenly phoned me the one afternoon and broke it off. At that stage I was ‘wtf’. Left her alone and asked that she didn’t contact me. A week or so later she started messaging me. I ignored most of her messages but was convinced by a co worker to just tell her I’m ok. Big mistake. Ended up taking her back but I was initially VERY cautious. Months went by and we were very intimate (had the news broken to me 2 months ago that she was a virgin the first time we slept together after her being married for fifteen years??? Explain that one to me). She kept saying to me she wants children but I think that really started hitting home for her when she found pictures of her ex-husband with new girlfriend and child after Facebook stalking him. I didn’t push anything knowing that she needed to get over him first before she could possibly move on with me. Not sure that was a good plan because she dumped me in a very cold and calculated mannor (something like a surgeon knowing exactly where your heart is but cutting with a butter knife as quickly as possible). When she was leaving asked me if after a while we can talk, I told her no, absolutely not. Now for the last week and a half I’ve been under the roller coaster ride trying to figure out where to from here and so wishing she would just text me. When I was deleting all her whatsapp’s from my phone I noticed that over the last 4 months there were 26000 messages between us. I know logically I’m much better off without her but it almost feels like my world has stopped and told me I need to get off. What are my next steps please?

  • Great post. No more victim! My fate and happiness is MY control from now on. Awesome note to fall asleep on 😉

  • My boyfriend of 2 years 10 months broke up with me on Christmas Day…yes, the worst time you can end a relationship. It’s such a long story…but when I began dating him he had full time custody of his then 15 year old daughter…whom I discovered early on was selfish and extremely jealous. We live one hour apart and only saw each other maybe once a week for lunch or dinner…and every other weekend for a full weekend when my children were at their father’s home. I have children of my own and we discussed that our kids are a priority. Anyway…34 months later, wonderful memories, discussions of marriage (he asked me 3 times to marry him and most recently on valentine’s 2015 tried to buy me a ring at Tiffany)…we remodeled his home this past February – july and he’s told most of our friends and business acquaintances I am his “wife”… he asked me on a weekly basis to “come on home” “realize you need to move in with me” etc. Fast forward…his daughter is failing classes and may not graduate..his home has mold ($35,000 worth of repair) and his business is losing money. He broke up with me stating that there was too much crazy going on in his world and he didn’t have time to devote to a proper relationship anymore. He says he needs to sell his home (due to the business losses)…and focus on getting his daughter back on track. Anyway…I offered to provide all the support I could..financially and offered for them to move into my home. He just kept saying “he needs to fight his battles alone” and that “I can’t be the boyfriend you deserve”. It was gut wrenching and doesn’t make any sense to me at all. I kept asking if there was another woman… an illness… legal trouble? surely something! he swears that its just too much on his plate to devote any time to a relationship. As you can imagine..i was in mourning for several days… curled up and crying… and I’m still not emotionally over it. The worst part is one of our mutual friends had lunch with him last week…we’ve been apart almost a month now.. and he told our friend he had realized this summer that I needed and wanted more out of the relationship than he did…that he didn’t want to live together etc . etc…. this is all so bizarre because I truly thought he was upset because I WOULDN’T move in and marry him.. (until after my youngest goes to college next year). I’m so darn confused. After Christmas he sent me a few texts asking if I was ok..and saying he loved me. Then nothing after new year’s eve. I’m trying to be strong with the 30 day no contact rule…but it’s so hard!! Also…his sister in law told me yesterday he had told his family that he could not date anyone…including me…for a long long time. That he just wanted to be alone and get his life together. I’m afraid he’s depressed. I want desperately to reach out to him…but I also don’t want to pester him, annoy him or let him think I’m a pushover. Siiiiigh…should I reach out to him? Lots of my clothes and toiletries etc are still at his home…as he had asked me to start leaving things there so I could come on a whim and not have to pack up every time. Not sure I wanna even go get my things..but I suppose if it’s truly over, I need to. Just not sure where to turn or what to do.. Any suggestions???

    • Don’t do anything at all yet. Hold firm. I believe he will come back to you when he gets his head together. He will probably use your items as an excuse to get in touch! If you go to him, he will see you as the weak one. Trust me…..been there done that, it simply doesn’t work! Carry on with no contact. Force yourself to do everything you can that helps you cope. Watch comedies, work out, go out with friends and family. Anything you enjoy, do it! It will feel a bit empty, but do it anyway and if you are on Facebook, post pictures of you enjoying yourself. If he is just going through a typical man stage, but he still has feelings for you, I promise you he will be back. If he doesn’t, then you are one step closer to being over it eventually. It’s really hard not to contact them. But don’t, just wait. If you go for say 3 months without hearing from him, at least your head and heart will be in a calmer place and you can then contact him to get your stuff back. You never know that might restart it if you both still want to. You sound very sensible to me. I wish you love and luck. I’m going through the same myself again with a man I’ve been through this with several times. It’s hard and it hurts like hell but I’m determined to never have another day 1 again!! Good luck Xxx

  • Hi everyone, ive been reading these posts and there is a lot of insiteful things and how people have got over their ex’s

    for me first time at school casual dating never got anywhere 6th form i got a date but barely for a few hours after a lot of texts etc (back in the day of no unlimited texts and msn mesenger)

    that ended after i confonted her sibling who told the parents and i got a full block fb msn txts etc nothing back.

    maybe it was me for asking too much.

    now after uni i started talking to a friend from school someone who i knew of and we connected well i went out of my way to see her for a year things were going well and then i brought her home to see my parents etc so far so good i then said what about your side.

    everyone aggreed but she said she would think about it. year later we are still dating getting to know each other.

    still only bits ive thought maybe i am the problem but i gave my all, but my family and me have decided that im in a bad state and if i let go of her she will come back if she really loves me and i still lover her NC is hard so i leave it open.

    i just wish things were easier but i guess i have a chance to focus on work and so does she.

    this is all brief so there is more details but i cant discuss everything.

    so overall 2 years and 2016 went with a bang and the day after it all finished.

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