“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ”• Dalai Lama
I used to tell her all the time, “If we broke up right now, you would probably be a little sad for a week or so, and then perfectly happy again, right?”
She was supposed to say that this wasn't true at all and that she would be devastated – if not for the rest of her life … then at least for a few years.
This would have proven to me how much she loved me.
How stupid and insecure I was.
As if the intensity and duration of suffering after a breakup were a measurement for the love you felt during the relationship.
You suffer a lot means you have loved a lot.
That's is all kinds of wrong.
The way you handle a breakup is absolutely no indication whether your love was real or not in the relationship.
It is merely an indication for your self-awareness and self-control.
If you cared about your partner, you will suffer.
But the HOW and how LONG you suffer, is within your control, even if it doesn’t feel this way now.
A breakup, (or a divorce), is often a trigger for experiences or events that you may have hidden in your subconscious.
Things you don’t want to be aware of.
Your dark closet.
An existential event like a breakup opens this hidden closet with force, and then not only do we have to deal with the fact that our partner is gone, now we are additionally burdened with all the stuff that we’ve avoided so well over the years.
The pain of past breakups, insecurities about ourselves, bad stuff from our childhood and lots more.
All of this inevitably leads to one fatal – and yet so wrong – conclusion:
That we aren’t good enough. That there’s something wrong with us.
And that, my friends, is truly dark and self-damaging stuff.
Such a way of thinking – if not nipped in the bud – will damage you. It will prevent you from getting better, and even worse, it will keep you spinning in the rat race of bad relationships.
Why do we keep choosing the wrong partners? Why do we keep having the same experiences over and over again?
“Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.” ”• Steve Maraboli
When I finally “woke up” and realized that the problem was not with THEM leaving me, but that it was ME attracting the wrong partners right from the start, it was a revelation.
It forced me to take responsibility for my life.
Suddenly it wasn’t just “bad luck” in choosing partners, but a wrong mindset.
You can’t fix “bad luck,” but you CAN fix a wrong mindset.
Once I understood that my fate and happiness was in my own hands, I knew that there was nothing that was holding me back.
I stopped being a victim. I stopped blaming others for what went wrong in my life and started playing an ACTIVE role in my life. I was passive for way too long.
Things always “happened” to me. Now I make things happen in my life.
This is what I wish for you.
That you realize that you HAVE control over your life and you start playing an ACTIVE role.
Following the “No-Contact Rule” is the first step.
Taking care of yourself, of your needs, thoughts, and wishes is the next one.
You have to put yourself first now.
I know that all your dreams and plans for the future have been shattered to pieces, everything you hoped for, and I’m really sorry for that.
But you have the choice to see this event as the worst thing that ever happened to you, or the best thing.
I know what you are thinking.
How can something like this be the best thing that ever happened?
Well, it was for me.
It’s the event that made me the person I am today, and I really like how I am today.
I hated how I was back then. Isn’t THAT alone worth the pain and the despair?
Of course, this had severe consequences … I mean ME, liking myself all of a sudden.
When you like yourself, magical things start to happen.
You don’t tolerate wrong partners.
You don’t tolerate your needs not being met.
You don’t tolerate not being happy.
You want the best for yourself. No more, no less.
And before you know it, your world changes. Day by day, experience by experience.
Until one day, you wake up thinking, “Wow, how did this happen?”
It started to happen the one day you altered your mindset, made change possible, and attracted new possibilities.
It started to happen the day you refused to be a victim anymore and took control of your life.
Who am I? What is in the dark closet?
Ask bravely, face the consequences and play an active part in your life. That is how lasting change is made.
Do you feel it? Do you feel that it’s possible?
Not in an hour, not in a day, not next Monday.
TODAY.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
P.S.: What will be your first step besides having started No-Contact with your Ex? Please share bravely in the comment section below.
Day 1 for me guys. Wish me luck
Hey Alonein TheDark! You’re not alone. We’ve all been there and we are here for you. Post whenever you are feeling… anything. It helps. Cry – that helps. But be strong and stay distracted. Call or text a friend or if you think you will contact them.
I am at day 46. There are bad days, I won’t lie. But there are good days, too! There is a light at the end of the tunnel – it is YOU and you are happy again.
Do the work. Find yourself. Like Eddie says, Live Limitless.
We are all here for you, feel your pain, know what you went and are going through.
Good luck!
🙂
Hi Aloneinthedark , here , you are not alone,believe me. Keep posting, it helps us all especially on bad days. Thanks to Eddie .
Woo Hoo for you KBLuna!!! You made it! I will do a happy dance just for you! You accomplished a tremendous thing!!!! You did something that you never thought, never believed you could do, and while that may feel anticlimatic, you should be so very proud of yourself. I don’t even know you and I am proud of you!!!!
I am getting close to day 60. He texted me on Thanksgiving (not a nice text either, he was drunk) and I deleted it. I NEVER thought I could do that, and I did – just hit “Delete”. Just like he deleted me from his life. No response from me whatsoever, because he has no right to me anymore.
Writing here does work! Thanks for your support! Let the anger go – I know it’s hard. He’s just not worth it and you are worth so much more now. I know you feel that!
Now go buy yourself a little gift (or a big one!) because you deserve it.
Happy, happy for you 🙂
ODAAT
Hi everyone I was the person who wrote that my boyfreind who was my childhood sweetheart left me and I had to go through a very painful breakup two times in two different decades with the same person. I was forced into no contact because he deleted me from everything. I am forty seven we broke up when we were 19 and broke up again after Halloween. Before it wasn’t our fault this time he left because he didn’t want to leave his house and move with me. I have cried for a month hoping he would apologize for leaving me. I realized I was worth more than that. I was very kind to him and it was his loss I’m not hoping anymore I’m done crying. We have to believe in ourselves and have pride and not allow someone to hurt us like this lets all keep moving forward I read somewhere that the person who your meant to be with should not have to be begged,chased or ever given an ultimatum …
Hey All.
Day 60 of No Contact. Where did the time go…? Oh yeah, it went away. Like him from me no matter how I tried to make him stay. Like me from him; not going back ever again to that place where I lose myself and my purpose in life.
I’m learning to believe my friends who say I’m a good and loving friend. Taking steps to engage in activities and accept invitations that come my way. I’m definitely better today than I was yesterday. Better and happier tomorrow, and hopefully fewer tears in days of NC to come. Baby steps. Adult situations. Supreme expenditure of will to slog through the sucking mire of memories and stick with NC so as to be free and clear of him.
Yup, I made it this far. And Lord, if I can do it, you can, too. Even if, like me, you fall back into the old habit of contact for whatever reason, and have to restart. And even if you cry and feel a little or a LOT lost. I did. Still do. At least we all have each other here. There have been days when scribbling my thoughts on this site have kept me alive…barely functioning sometimes, but alive.
To everyone on this site, thanks for bearing with me.
“One Day at a Time” just keep writing here when you feel the urge to break NC. It helps to write out your good and your bad and flush all the confusion out of your system. We have Eddie Corbano to thank for having a place to do that.
Oh! And thank you “S.” — you know, that is his first initial, too. It’s kinda of nice to have decent thoughts and good intentions from someone with the same first initial– so “S.” will no longer make me flinch because of your kind words. “S” is someone to smile about! 🙂 Thank you so much!
So…DAY SIXTY of NC. It feels anti-climactic. Just thinking about it being day 60 goes in circles in my mind. I know it’s a victory of sorts…but…but…I still want an apology from him.
That makes me angry for some reason! Maybe because I’m starting to accept it will never happen.
He’d have to turn over a whole new leaf in his personality…I’d have to break no contact.
*frowns and shakes head slowly*
No. That wouldn’t feel good to me…so I guess I’m not going to wish for it anymore
Have to put that anger, the wish for an apology from him in a bubble, then let it/him go. I picture the storm of my will taking him in one direction, while the calming waters of my decision to release old ways of thinking about love and life take me in a new direction. He can go south. I like North. The wind and water can float me all the way to good.
So. Day 60 of NC.
I think…it feels good.
KBLuna
Kasey Bella Luna,
I am sad that my initial some how remembering you abt your ex but i am soo much happy 🙂 that you are recovering your self. you know life is very beautiful you enjoy each time of your life and celebrate every day as last day of your life.who know about tomorrow. We think about past and tense about future but we forget to live our present so i urge to just live your present forgot your past. Your name is too long hahahah i do not know how to call. I am also a victim my gf more then of 4.5 years of relation had broken so you could understand how i am living my life.But still i think if it is happening due to god is looking you some another and best thing for your life so trust god and belive your self and do not forget to cheersssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bye take care yours SSSSSSSSS.
Hi Kasey Bella Luna,
First of you all i am so sorry and sad that my initial remember you abt your ex but i am really so so much happy that you are healing and recovering your confident. I would like to tell one thing that the life is very beautiful Kasey you have to live every minute of your life and enjoy becose no body know what will happen tomorrw.We get life only one so we must have to celebrate it like this would our last day why should we do not enjoy for some one who does not value us?We think about our past and tense about our future but we forgot to live our present so enjoy your present.Cheerssssssss yours SSSSSSS. And do not worry i am not that S i will always make smile for you and every body 🙂 till then be happy and live your beautiful life.
Hi Eddie,
That’s a very interesting post and tbh I personally try to believe things never worked out for a better future. However, it’s been 10 months after 6 of NC and him insisting in not living me alone, I tried speaking back to him as a “normal” person. The truth is, he kept trying to manipulate me leaving a lot of ambiguities whilst talking, pretending he still cares or loves me..So then I had to confront him and asked what he expected from us, and nervously he replied nothing but friendship! For the second consecutive time I let this psycho man lie n fool me…So I then cut it all again, it’s been a month since we last spoke and this time he’s keeping his silence (maybe cuz I was very cold) but I just wished he could feel half of the pain and trauma he has put me through… We dated for almost 10 years and the past year all he managed to put into my head was that he was ready and wanted to settle down with me…I never ever thought of any of this and once I started believing in his supposed dreams and make them mine too, he simply left me like garbage. It just corrodes me inside and it’s very hard to erase all the memories to finally embrace the new ones, but I’ve been trying and won’t stop till I finally manage to be happy again.
Hi Kasey Bella Luna ,
Congo for you efforts,keep nc going on. I am already in more then of 30 days in nc and will maintain till the time.Me and my gf has more then of 4 years of relation ship and we have parted way it is very painful that you go every where with her and suddenly you feel that you are lonely in this world.But my friends are helping to out of this and i am also focusing my self to my career. Trust me i have not gone any where since our breakup because every where i used to go with her every place remember me to her so that is the reason now i am not roaming but after few days i know i will do all the things.There will be some who is also waiting for me til then cheers and enjoyyyyyyyyyyyy…..
Hey NB,
So true about not knowing where other people are and what kind of pain they are experiencing. When I hear stories in the news about children disappearing, I think my heart break is so trivial compared to parents who cannot find their children.
I try to treat everyone with kindness because none of us know what the stranger next to us is dealing with. So smile when you feel like crying (and, oh, I cry a lot!), because it just might make someone’s day.
Thanks for the support! Damn that garden hose!
ODAAT
PS Thank you especially to New Beginnings,GB and Kasey Bella Luna. Thank you for making me feel it’s OK to cry and giving me hope!
Hi, One day at a time. Oh that age thing, being in your 50’s, yes I am in mine too and I feel like there is a trickle of water from the garden tap outside. Isn’t it strange that your life can change in a second from being in a relationship to being alone, scared,worried for the future and dark times ahead instead of normailty. Just think, people out there who we eagerly glance at and wonder about their lives, could be going through the exact pain we feel. I always felt so alone in my pain, that no one else could ever know the dark torment I felt, but millions of people have had their hopes and dreams ,crushed. I am so glad to have found this site. Over the past week, the pain and unsureness for the future has lessoned and I know I am on the mend in my heart mind and soul. Gone are the dark empty feelings and instead my mind automatically skips the long drawn out wonderings . Keeping you all in my thoughts, you little soldiers you.
Day 42 I thought the crying would stop. Thank you to all of you who let me know that you are beyond my count and that you still cry and its OK. Thank you for feeling all the things that I do. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone.
I am determined to get over him. I am determined to improve myself and make good choices. I am determined to make one of the worst things that ever happened to me into a huge victory for my self-worth and hope to find the real me at the end of this journey. I realize now my hope has changed from wanting him to wanting me.
When I was unsure in my relationship, one of my friends said, “Does he make you happy 90% of the time?” Sometimes the answer was yes; most of the time the answer was no.
I changed and i did it of my own volition to keep him…Because I loved him and wanted to be with him. I had no need to be desperate. I wasn’t lonely and didn’t feel like I needed a man. But he swept me off my feet and once I was addicted, i loved my drug so very, very much.
I was doing really great with NC, but then I read the “5 Reasons Men Leave Women They Love” and I knew what I had done and why he had left. Reason #1: The Pleasure Principle. Our relationship had become too difficult for him to handle. I complained to him about him because I didn’t like how he was treating me. I was dramatic and argumentative and emotional. And rather than work on it, he chose to walk away. That was a very dark, dark day for me because I blamed myself.
But I realized we were a couple and he chose NOT to work on us. He didn’t have a lot of experience with women, I was girlfriend #2 even though he was 33! He never worked on a relationship before and I saw his inexperience. It was easier for him to give up than work on it. And if I accepted his mistreatment of me without saying anything, then I wouldn’t be true to myself. So no matter what I did or tried or said or didn’t say, it wouldn’t change a thing. I had to be true to me and in doing so I lost the love of my life.
I know I can only control myself. I know that no matter how much I blame myself, I was not in that relationship alone. I know he had something to do with it, too, even if he wants to blame me. He hurt me so very deeply.
I know getting over him is going to take a long time and i am very afraid I won’t find anyone. I am 50. For those of you in your 20s, you have an ocean to choose from. Me? I feel like I have a puddle in my backyard.
I am sad. I am grieving. I miss all the good things about him, even though there were many, many bad things. I miss our sex and our companionship and oh, I miss our sex.
But you know what? I may still cry and I may miss him, but I don’t want him back. I want me back. So the question I ask myself is: “Do I make myself happy 90% of the time?” And the truth is, the real answer is, “Yes!”
It’s not gonna be easy, but I’m gonna make it. I’m gonna cry and it’s OK.
Thank you to all of you who let me know that it’s OK to cry.
Yours in NC,
ODAAT
Has been over a year now and I am in the best place in my life. Yes Eddie because reading and follow your advice I became curious and more curious of questions about what Eddie was saying and is ALL TRUE. Now I understand why you CAN NOT have your ex back and why every step is so important to follow. Was easy? Of course no, was very hard and I know, specially in the beginning, Eddie’s words were so cruel and so hard to absorb it, but I promisse once you are in the place I am, you will eventually, Eddie’s words and exercise sounds even gently. Pay attention on every detail, every word and is all about “YOU” in that process. I feel like I graduate and when you get to this stage the rest come on way. Thank you Eddie 🙂
Hello everyone. First of all thank you Eddie for this helpful site 🙂
Seems a bit easier to me to understand what to do when i read and write in language which is second that i speak and understand…So i present you short version of break up.
Our break up began two months ago, a 5 years relationship ( 9 if i include friends with benefits start ). Yep i was shattered did not understand, but when it all begun, i already made her know that it is impossible for me to continue the way we are…it was for her to decide that we can continue together and actually live together or it’s the time…in short she needed a time…
i’ve tried to understand and tried to give her the time…but yeah, her time was a short period of maybe a week where she was certain that it’s over…yeah the love of my life needs a week ? sure no, it’s over maybe even 6 months ago but…from that day i was totally devastated and had a rough period as all my previous problems just exploded…i knew that i had to do something but negativity was all around me…in my room, house everywhere…constant crying, hopelessness…in all of that i was strong enough to wish her a happy birthday with a love text…but i still could not let it go. i made a lot of thinking and decisions on what to do…
One of the first steps was to visit shrink as i was aware that this is not the only thing that is on my mind. Also a few friends of mine were here to back me up but i had a feeling that i need to find the closure… A month ago, actually a 32 days ago, i texted here with a hope that we could talk. I had a plan and it all went fine until we actually had to talk about feelings…a lot from my side were flowing and 0 from her…she asked me how can we not continue to be friends ? In that moment i was strong enough to state that we have a 2 different views and told her in the face that i will delete her number and that i will not call or contact her and that i want the same from her side…
So today is 32nd day of NC. I do feel better but it wasn’t easy.. The main goal for me was that i’ve finally accepted that i need to leave the house where i was born and to start a new life, as so many dark memories and hopes are connected to that place. Tomorrow is my first day all alone in the new rented apartment where i hope that i’ll gain the strength to continue my journey through life.
I still do have some thoughts on what could happen if…but the positive thing is that those thoughts are not so heavy as they were and i’m aware that i’m not healed completely but it’s better…A small insight on what i’ll do in the future is to continue shrink sessions, extend the NC and try to calm down…The only thing that’s still holding me back is a strange feeling that she’ll contact me and i’m unsure is this the not able to let go part or something else…
Hi Everyone. I’m on day 57 of no contact. It’s been terribly hard. I’m trying to move on and now there are days here and there when I don’t think of him. But other times memories are triggered and I still cry over the ugly end of our relationship and the final end to our years long friendship.
The truth is, I know we cannot be friends anymore. Its true because my true friends treat me with love and respect; and expect me to respect myself. Now, I look back, and recognize my feelings of respect, love and caring when things got rough,weren’t reciprocated by him.
I look back at how I tried so hard to show him appreciation and be available to him, please him, and at the end clung to any visible shred of the person I knew years before, in hopes we could work it out together. My God, I even took classes to try and learn more open and loving communication, to show how much I valued him and wanted his input to work it out together. But now I know the only answer was to end it, and I should have let it go long before.
The time and effort, sex and openness, caring and classes and worry I put into saving us didn’t work…I feel perhaps because he didn’t really want it to work. And that hurts. It still feels so painful to accept its over, and to acknowledge the relationship at its end was stupendously toxic for me and probably for him as well. I think the holidays make it harder.
But in a very, very small place inside, I’m beginning to move away from him and experience life again. Halloween was a great time, a big step forward for me at almost thirty days of no contact. This year I still did my thing, and I did not call him though I wanted to very much. Now Thanksgiving has passed, and the celebration with family and friends was busy and crazy, and fun! I delighted in giving and receiving calls from friends near and far…and for the first time in years I did not call him to wish him a happy holiday and tell him how grateful I was to have him in my life…
oh God! I just burst into tears writing this…which must be why, I find myself here tonight…
Because here, with you, on day 57 I’m so proud of myself for not contacting him…and so pleased to have accepted the reality about who we are now, adults in mid life…and know that I as a woman, have grown so much…and he has so much growing to do. And even though in tears…I haven’t called him. I don’t need to.
So, even though my heart and brain are in conflict, I know I can do this. My spirit knows this is the right thing to do. And that is why I’m writing tonight. Because this is a victory. I want every one of you here to know, whether you’re on day two or day thirty, that you can keep going with no contact. You might cry now and then, but keep working through the pain.
Tears cleanse your hindsight. And you will be, and see in each day you maintain no contact, a small work of wonder…you. Stronger, more beautiful, loving and loveable, you.
Happy Holidays everyone.
Kasey *basking in the glow of a beautiful moon* 🙂
I’m on Day 22 of NC and it still hurts like hell. He dumped me after a very toxic and tiring 10 years of bad relationship. It was always me who had to ‘understand his situations’ and make sacrifices..and in the end he did the dumping! Even after all that I find NC is a very hard thing to do. There are days where I just want to break NC and contact him just to get the ‘fix’ but I can still toughen up and prevent myself from doing it. It seems like I’m addicted to the pain but I have decided that it needs to change. I don’t want to be his doormat anymore.. Maybe there’s something else out there for me..I know I have to stop these feelings for him and that’s why I’m hangin’ onto this website for strength..it’s been very helpful so far..thanks, Eddie and good luck to all of us..x
Hi GB..Early days yet but I think those thoughts will continue to invade your day until acceptance. We all have our own way of dealing with things. I’ve heard it said that the more you cry, the more you miss that person. Well that is total rubbish. Tears are powerful, they are healing. The NC is what can cause discomfort. The reason for the discomfort is because we cannot control the other person or events after a break up unless we channel our thoughts into self care and concentrate on our own life of what we can control. I found that elusive peace when I realised that I can only control what I do, say, react to. I cannot control what other people do, say or react to. I will not take responsibilty for someone elses actions , only my own. When I took reponsibilty for my part in the relationship failing I found it easier to cope with. I still have bad days when I hibernate [ha ha] and work those feelings through, but there is light at the end of the tunnel for you and everyone else . Tears are powerful .
Thank you..tears are indeed powerful. Day 32 and counting..
Hey G.B. I understand how you feel. Keep strong. The way you made the sacrifices and compromises tells me how much you cared…beyond where stopping might have been better for you… I did the same thing. The harder I tried to please him; the more he pushed, and the farther apart we grew until he dumped me. The lesson I’ve learned: If it doesn’t feel good, reciprocated, and right for you; then it isn’t good, reciprocated…or right for you. One sided doesn’t work. It isn’t healthy. It isn’t practical thinking. And it isn’t love. You be strong for yourself. Caring isn’t being a doormat…but when it isn’t reciprocated, we sometimes work harder to please them and hide the pain instead of saying something because we’re afraid of losing them. Acknowledging how you feel, like you did here, is a big, brave step! And, yes, there are lots of people out there for you, for all of us. But I’m learning, and you will too, to be a little more discerning, and a lot more respectful of myself when choosing to be with someone. Keep going with no contact and remember, YOU matter. 🙂
KBLuna
KB Luna..thank you, your comments hit right on the spot..and congratulations ! You made it to 60 full days of NC..wowow..Im soo proud of you. You DID IT. So it is not impossible after all..
I found this and thought you all might like it.
Tears Are Good
What Flows Is Alive
Crying Is Like A Thunderstorm For The Soul
The Air Feels So Wonderful After The Rain
Don’t Think Too Much, Breath.
Don’t Be Harsh Or Demanding On Yourself
Just Experience Your Feelings And Know That
Your Tears Are Announcing Change In Your Life.
Change Is Coming, Like A Summer Rain
To Wash Away Your Pain
Have Faith That Things Are Getting Better… Bryant McGill
I like this , it fits how I have felt sometimes . I hppe it helps here too.
It has been 7 months since I ended the relationship and it has been like a rolla coaster , up one minute, down the next. Just when you felt you are ok and are moving on, thoughts interfere with your day, you push them aside then it’s another rolla coaster of repressed emotions coming back to taunt you again. Self love and realising that the relationship was wrong on so many levels has gotten me through this. I am important, I am lovable, I deserve the very best from a partner. My heart is opening slowly and my mind set is ready to look to the future. I was right to end the relationship, at last I see it for what it was, unhealthy. Good luck you guys x
I was with my boyfreind for over two years. He was my childhood sweetheart.and we broke up because my family was prejudiced. I contacted him after twenty five years and he still lived at home. We began seing each other again and I thought we had the perfect relationship. We never argued or fought and spent every weekend together we lived in two different cities. He rode the bus every weekend. One month ago he told me he didn’t love me like he did before. I cried all night long I didn’t understand. It seemed he didn’t want to be my freind. I tried for awhile to call him and text him to work things out but he has refused to answer. He loved my daughter and she’s coming home from college and he won’t see her. I’m sad and heartbroken and I feel that the person I trusted the most just left me
I was the type of person who didn’t like making changes as long as things are tolerable because I couldn’t deal with the pain and the stress. So years and years I cave into my comfort zone. Get lazy. Procrastinate. Tell myself it’s fine. This separation is a great wake-up call that completely forced me out of that comfort place. Now I don’t have a partner, a job and a place to live. And I feel motivated. The feeling of groundless still inflicted me everyday and my old weakness: procrastination, fear, the hope to running away from stress and hard-work. But I am taking baby steps and forcing myself to achieve what I told myself to do everyday: find a place to live, find a job as the priority. I am feeling motivated and I am seeing lights on the other side of the tunnel. After so many years of torment I am seeing that fearless, carefree and motivated me. I know after I get through this life will still bring new challenges, but when I get through this I know I will be able to deal with anything life throws at me.
This is not about dignity or self love. This is about us being able to live our own lives, accept our true self and find and accept the true purpose of our lives, no matter how trivial it is.
Look forward and move forward everyone here. You are not alone. Love and hugs.
i am at day 63 of NC and I just got some news concerning my ex. although i knew i shouldnt ask about my ex but I did and went completely upset and pained and hurt, almost like at the start. However, i followed strict no contact during the 60 days and followed eddie’s advice and discovered a glimpse that indeed break ups can be the way to a pathbreaking change in our lives.
so now i am going to start no contact again, this time not even talking about my ex, and distracting myself even as his thoughts come to my mind. i have had more pleasure in working on myself, following my heart and looking with joy towards the future possibilities of my life because in any case they will be much much better than life with someone who didnt realize my worth after so many years together.
Day 39 Some days are great and some days are downright awful. Eddie was right that if you take one step forward, sometimes you take two steps back. In my darkest moments, I blame myself. In the light, I see that I wasn’t happy and that we really didn’t have a future.
We were together for three years. I met him right after my divorce. I know I never healed properly from my divorce and I was not in love with my ex-husband by the time our marriage ended. But my boyfriend of three years? I loved him more than any one else. That love gave me joy and when we were good, things were truly great.
But he wasn’t right for me. We had problems, we really weren’t compatible (he said this a lot) and I changed for him. He didn’t ask me to, but it was the only way we could stay together. So I lost myself.
Unfortunately, I gained 20 lbs throughout the three years we were together. I was very fit when me met and now I am not. So, I work out like crazy to try to get my old self back. The me that made me happy. Because I was happy and fit before I met him.
I am changing the outside and I am working on changing the inside, too. Pushing negative thoughts from my mind isn’t easy, but recognizing that when they creep in I just say to myself “Stop!”. I take the negative and turn it into a positive. I AM a great person without him. I am learning to love myself again.
I keep a journal and I am enjoying writing. I especially like reading the posts on this site. I feel like the queen of self-help.
I don’t know who I am any more, but I want to find out. It’s a new journey to discover myself, a new me, a new road, a new life.
In my house, I have a print with Henry David Thoreau’s quote, “Never look back unless you are planning on going that way.”
I’m trying not to look back but rather to look inside.
Today is a good day. Keep up your NC. Find you and get your life back.
My ex loved me dearly, not to mention he loved our child. After 7 years, we ran into an issue of him not speaking up for our child. I lost respect for him because he wouldn’t apologize or recognize that our child hurt because of his family. We ignored one another for a few months, just talking here and there and he began to ostracize me and our child. Come to find out, he began an emotional affair at work. I noticed he was face booking her a lot so I confronted him. His response was for us to get out. We left and he began seeing her 2 days later. I can not understand how this happened or how we got to this point. It has been 6 months now. I am still sad that my child has to grow up without a full time dad. I tried to make it right, I tried to fix it; however, I guess he is happy with the home wrecking druggie he chose over his child and I. What to do? What to do?
Dearest Elaina,
I also experienced a relationship with a man who also had Emotional affairs. I completely understand your frustration and pain. The fault lays with him choosing and allowing this other woman into his personal life. He was robbing you of your worth and violating the code of respect. It is clearly unacceptable and please understand that it wasn’t her fault. HE chose to run to her and the family problems was his excuse. I am glad that you are taking steps to heal but it is hard. When you realize that you didn’t have any fault in that then you can also begin to believe it. Don’t question your WORTH any longer. You are a mother first and foremost. Live fully for your child and yourself. I will keep you in my prayers.
I couldn’t agree more with this post. I am on my third run through of NC at day 54 and this time I am making it stick. I have found that learning the tools for attracting the right person runs hand in hand with how you expect others to treat you in life in general. I am happy to lose friends who don’t encourage me to grow and be better and who aren’t on a similar path of self improvement. Finding a key area or interest you love doing also helps with the whole process of re-discovering yourself, your own power and your own passion in life.
N
I am at day 30 of no contact. This was the most painful breakup. Words cannot describe it and I won’t even try. It’s too painful to try. I truly love him but we cannot be together. I go through good and bad days and I let myself feel the pain but I cannot contact him. It doesn’t even feel right to me anymore and my pride and self-worth will not allow me to contact him anyway.
I have spent most of my 45 years looking to others to make me feel loved, sexy, validated and wanted rather than looking into myself. This breakup has changed me. For the better. It is so painful that I had no choice but to change-if that makes sense.
As a teacher for the past 18 years, I have decided to go back to school for something entirely different, something that follows my heart–something creative and more aligned with my spirit. And this makes me happy. I feel free and independent and excited for the future.
I have scrap booked, meditated, am reading Louise Hay’s books like mad, speaking to a therapist twice a month and listening to Eddie. All of these things combined has helped push me to what the universe-God-whatever you believe-has always known and wanted me to be.
It’s slow going but I am making progress. I could wallow forever but I realized something scary—I have shorter to live than I have lived and I don’t want to spend it mourning for someone who couldn’t see my worth. So I have to see it. It is my only option.
Thanks Eddie.
CheleyCat, everyone here on this website are with you. I am proud of what you are doing and I am doing the same thing. Eddie is right: the only thing unchanging about life is changing. Probably that’s the meaning of life. I am happy for you that you found something that makes your heart singing. For whatever reason we are created we are going forward. And I believe that the universe/God is looking at us, as trivial and small as we are smiling at us with love seeing us enjoys the beautiful moments and stumbling through difficulties and grow. Let’s all move forward together.
After my breakup i am continue follow the nc rule i am purely following the rule that nc mean no contact at any cost even some time i eagerly wants to talk but i do not call.Apart from Nc i am constantly reading this site and feeling that i am not the alone person there are millions of people who are suffering from this pain and trauma and now i am trying to put my concentration to my career. I am looking forward for my new career with new ahead that what ever has happened it is because some thing good is going to happen in future.So friends look your self love to you and be positive look ahead. Cheerssssssssss
Thank you sumit. You are doing great. We should feel victory for what we are doing and as Eddie said, whatever life throws at us we can handle it. Because after you reached the bottom, the future ahead is always brighter than what is left behind, no matter how nice or how awful it was. Because the past has already happened and you will not be able to relive it again. Cheers for the post.
Hi Sumit,
Keep the NC count going on.
I have approximate 1 year of NC count under my belt. When I came here on this site last year in August, I was totally heart broken and was in tears. It was first love, first relationship for me. Coming to this site was really a blessing. The articles and encouragement from fellow members gave me boost to go on.
My main problem was that I could not accept the fact that my gf could do this to me i.e., leaving you for someone in a loving relationship. Accepting the fact that she is going from my life and I will not see her anymore helped me a lot, a great burden was removed from my shoulders. There are some times when I do think of her, but they are very rare now.
NC really helps.
I once again thank Eddie for creating this wonderful website and inspiring people to go on, and rebuild life after a devastating break-up.
Hi Arun,
So sad after reading your story but i just want to tell you one thing is that first you accept it until you will not accept this the pain will continue infact till life so accept the true and second for my opinion never make any emotional relation with any one accept you blood ie : mom,dad,brother and sister, because they are the only onewho suppport to you apart from them no one can support you.I also never thought that my gf will do this thing with me even i loved her alot. but still some time i feel that what ever thing happens it because some thing good to be happen in future. May be she was not good for me and u as well it was your good luck that you have faced it right now there will some one or ms right who is waiting for us let her come, till the time live you life because we get life only ones so never miss to enjoy the life i know it is little tough but still we have to do………Cheersssssssssss all
look all in all life is short and no one in this world worth your pain or your tears and always remember live with the one that loves you not with the one you loves