“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ”• Dalai Lama
I used to tell her all the time, “If we broke up right now, you would probably be a little sad for a week or so, and then perfectly happy again, right?”
She was supposed to say that this wasn't true at all and that she would be devastated – if not for the rest of her life … then at least for a few years.
This would have proven to me how much she loved me.
How stupid and insecure I was.
As if the intensity and duration of suffering after a breakup were a measurement for the love you felt during the relationship.
You suffer a lot means you have loved a lot.
That's is all kinds of wrong.
The way you handle a breakup is absolutely no indication whether your love was real or not in the relationship.
It is merely an indication for your self-awareness and self-control.
If you cared about your partner, you will suffer.
But the HOW and how LONG you suffer, is within your control, even if it doesn’t feel this way now.
A breakup, (or a divorce), is often a trigger for experiences or events that you may have hidden in your subconscious.
Things you don’t want to be aware of.
Your dark closet.
An existential event like a breakup opens this hidden closet with force, and then not only do we have to deal with the fact that our partner is gone, now we are additionally burdened with all the stuff that we’ve avoided so well over the years.
The pain of past breakups, insecurities about ourselves, bad stuff from our childhood and lots more.
All of this inevitably leads to one fatal – and yet so wrong – conclusion:
That we aren’t good enough. That there’s something wrong with us.
And that, my friends, is truly dark and self-damaging stuff.
Such a way of thinking – if not nipped in the bud – will damage you. It will prevent you from getting better, and even worse, it will keep you spinning in the rat race of bad relationships.
Why do we keep choosing the wrong partners? Why do we keep having the same experiences over and over again?
“Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.” ”• Steve Maraboli
When I finally “woke up” and realized that the problem was not with THEM leaving me, but that it was ME attracting the wrong partners right from the start, it was a revelation.
It forced me to take responsibility for my life.
Suddenly it wasn’t just “bad luck” in choosing partners, but a wrong mindset.
You can’t fix “bad luck,” but you CAN fix a wrong mindset.
Once I understood that my fate and happiness was in my own hands, I knew that there was nothing that was holding me back.
I stopped being a victim. I stopped blaming others for what went wrong in my life and started playing an ACTIVE role in my life. I was passive for way too long.
Things always “happened” to me. Now I make things happen in my life.
This is what I wish for you.
That you realize that you HAVE control over your life and you start playing an ACTIVE role.
Following the “No-Contact Rule” is the first step.
Taking care of yourself, of your needs, thoughts, and wishes is the next one.
You have to put yourself first now.
I know that all your dreams and plans for the future have been shattered to pieces, everything you hoped for, and I’m really sorry for that.
But you have the choice to see this event as the worst thing that ever happened to you, or the best thing.
I know what you are thinking.
How can something like this be the best thing that ever happened?
Well, it was for me.
It’s the event that made me the person I am today, and I really like how I am today.
I hated how I was back then. Isn’t THAT alone worth the pain and the despair?
Of course, this had severe consequences … I mean ME, liking myself all of a sudden.
When you like yourself, magical things start to happen.
You don’t tolerate wrong partners.
You don’t tolerate your needs not being met.
You don’t tolerate not being happy.
You want the best for yourself. No more, no less.
And before you know it, your world changes. Day by day, experience by experience.
Until one day, you wake up thinking, “Wow, how did this happen?”
It started to happen the one day you altered your mindset, made change possible, and attracted new possibilities.
It started to happen the day you refused to be a victim anymore and took control of your life.
Who am I? What is in the dark closet?
Ask bravely, face the consequences and play an active part in your life. That is how lasting change is made.
Do you feel it? Do you feel that it’s possible?
Not in an hour, not in a day, not next Monday.
TODAY.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
P.S.: What will be your first step besides having started No-Contact with your Ex? Please share bravely in the comment section below.
my boyfriend of 2.5 years recently broke up with me, and i am feeling so lost and helpless. to be frank, i’ve questioned being with him numerous times during our relationship because it just didnt feel right. we didnt understand each other, and we both knew that. but i could never let go because he treated me so well, and he took care of me in ways i never imagined anyone would. i know logically that this is the right thing to do, but emotionally i dont know how to let go of someone who cared for me the way he did. and more so than anything, im afraid i wont find anyone like that again. everyone around me is getting engaged, married, or having kids, and i feel like i am just being abandoned now.
Hi Tanya I haven’t been looking at stuff for awhile because I have been to sad. I found out that the same time my ex boyfreind broke up with me he left his job. I felt utterly devastated because I know now there is no future. It’s Been three months and I haven’t heard a word. A few days I broke down and sent valentines gifts to everyone in the family including the little nephew who I missed.there are nine people living in the house and no one sent even a little card thanking me or telling me that the little boy loved his Lego set. I was even more hurt because I missed them. I can’t explain how devasted I feel that I have been so ignored. I am such a nice person and would never do anything to hurt anyone on purpose, this is the first time in my life I have felt that someone hates me. I have decided to move on because I have tried the best I could to reach out.i can’t do it anymore.please give me your input Tanya
hi Vi. Reading your story is like reading mine that I ended up crying. I hope you are okay now. My ex broke up with me 2 days ago. So I am 2 days of NC and I vowed to keep it that way. Prayers for all of us here.
Tammy,
Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers as I am going through the same situation as you are. I’m on day 4 of NC. It’s tough.. But I trust that God will see me through this. Much love to you. Stay strong. 🙂
Hello Lia Dear,
Backslides happen in the beginning- don’t get down on yourself about it. The first time I tried to go no-contact I made it two weeks and then made the mistake of looking at his blog. (It’s not about his personal life, he just blogs about classic literature he has read.) I saw that he had posted a 2500-word essay four days after he broke up with me. I was devastated. At that time I was crying every two hours and all he appeared to be thinking about was The Aeneid. I will not do that to myself again.
He does care about your daughter, and about you. Please don’t take it too personally that he didn’t respond, I know it’s hard. But after three years it’s not possible that he doesn’t care. He feels pain and loss too. It’s probably different from the way you feel it, but his lack of response is likely the best way he can think of to minimize pain for both of you. It’s taken a lot of reflection and reading many many articles and posts for me to get to the point where I can believe these things. Just because someone isn’t contacting or responding doesn’t mean there is no caring. I have not spoken to my ex since the first week of December, but I care as much as I ever did.
Be well, Lia. Just go back into no-contact with even more faith and resolve after what you just experienced! ((((Hug for you))))
Dear Tanya unfortunately I had a backslide yesterday.i sent him a picture of my daughter singing in a concert yesterday in portland where she attends college.he never responded and I felt so hurt. I thought he cared about my daughter and would be proud of her for all she has accomplished. I think he either quit his job or got fired.im not sure. He loved his job so much his cellphone is turned off. Many years ago my grandmother chased him away from our house with her broom. She said he wasn’t our nationality since he was Hispanic and I was Greek. I think there was another reason feeling like he would never have anything to offer me. Thirty years later I wish I had listened to her. I’m so sad but I’m trying again. I hope you are doing ok good for you for learning horseback riding. I always was scared of horses all my life. I will try something too. Tanya I just don’t understand how if a person who you loved for almost three years could ignore you and give you no reason why. It’s like they wipe you off the face of the earth and not even give an explanation….
Hi Lia!
I am glad to hear that you are getting a little better. Friends and hobbies help so much. It can help especially if there is a hobby that you always dreamed about but never thought would happen. That helped me after another bad breakup several years ago- I started horseback riding, something I never thought I could do and to this day every time I get on a horse I feel such a sense of accomplishment. I hope you can find something like that for yourself.
As for the letters. I understand why you don’t want them, they represent so much pain. But maybe hold off on making a permanent decision about them right now, while your emotions are so intense. Perhaps you have a trustworthy friend or family member who understands what you are going through and is willing to keep them for you until you feel more grounded. Same thing goes for any gifts from him. Don’t return things to him. It will make you appear bitter and part of you will be hung up waiting for him to react.
Grandmothers are so wise and wonderful aren’t they? She knew thirty years ago what you are just learning about him.
Hi Tanya thankyou for your advise.i am no longer contacting him and I am starting to feel better. I’m doing things with freinds and trying to find some hobbies. I have a feeling he recently quit his job closed his phone and is at his house. He only worked for my daughter and I. I have come to realize that I am so sorry if he had a nervous breakdown but that is no way to treat another person to close the phone and not speak to them for three months.i think he quit his job to take care of his elderly mother.its sad but I don’t want him back. anyone who does this to a person for whatever reason will do it again. I also would like to ask that when my grandmother broke up our relationship thirty years ago he wrote me all these letters that I kept in a special box.i was so hurt I no longer want them even though I kept them all those years .what should I do with them should I return them…thankyou so much for writing back to me
Hi Sean,
I’ve read the posts you’ve written recently. Wow. What a painful and draining situation you describe.
You have truly put in your all. I commend you for that. I know your ex is very special to you, otherwise you would not have put in so much effort while enduring all of this back-and-forth wavering. Every person here wishes their partner was willing and capable of putting the effort into the relationship that you have.
And that’s my point: what you have to offer is just too damn valuable to give to anyone who is unable to receive it. You are starting to see that, such a good step for you.
And as for the flying-to-see-if-the-rekindled-Facebook-relationship-with-the-divorcing-guy situation is real: I see the equation as her confusion&pain + his confusion&pain = train wreck is coming, so get off at the next stop!
The challenge for you will be when she crawls out of that wreckage wanting you to suture her back together…
Stay strong. I can only imagine how hard this is for you.
Tanya
Ironically enough, one of the biggest support people I have in this break up is my ex wife and mother of my kids. She has been very supportive and listens to me and gives me advice on how to handle this new break up. Some times you can find support from the people you’d least expect.
My partner of 7 years split up with me 6 weeks ago. Seemingly out of no where. She was my best friend. We did everything together and were that annoying couple that other couples were envious of. She would often tell me how happy that made her. We were as in love after 7 years as we were the first, or so I thought. I tried desperately to reason with her. I begged, pleaded, promised things would get better. Promised to change. I did everything I could to sway her position but she held fast. Her job keeps her from home up to 3 weeks a month, so I rarely saw her anyway. Immediately after the first fight, she rented a house in another state and opened her own bank acct. One day she flew away and never came back. She broke up with me over the phone and via text. On the rare occasion we would speak on the phone she would become very emotional, cry, tell me she’s sorry, and all that did was give me hope of reconciliation. Later I would find that she had reconnected with an old male friend on Facebook and he had reached out to her right about the time we started having problems. He too was going through a divorce and according to her, they were just nice distractions from their own problems. She asked if I wanted her to stop communicating with him and I told her I did, until we figure out what our plans were. She swore to me they had not met in person and were only communicating via text and cell. Well, I was able to pull our cell phone records and found that she had continued calling this guy upwards of 6-7 times per day and they were speaking for an hour or longer. When I called her out on it she again said that she would limit communication. I asked her if she would agree to go to therapy with me and she said she would but it would have to be in 2 weeks until she was able to fly back into town and she wouldn’t call her friend until at least after we had our therapy appt. I waited anxiously for the date to come and she did indeed show up for counseling. In therapy, she basically said that she was there to make sure I was going to be ok during this break up. The therapist said that we could indeed fix our relationship but it would take work. She agreed that that was something she would be open to. We left therapy and I felt slightly optimistic about our chances at getting back together. I dropped her off at the airport and what I found out would shatter me. Instead of flying to her new home, she flew straight to the city where her male friend lives. I was crushed. Although, last night I had a great epiphany. I realized then that nothing I would say or do would have made any difference in whether we got back together or not. From that first telephone fight and her first reintroduction to her male friend, she had made up her mind that she was moving on without me. She tried to do what she thought was best and I believe her when she said they had very little contact prior to therapy, but I believe that in her mind, once that therapy appt was over, so was our relationship. I think she HAD to fly out to meet him to see if what they have is real. She had to go there to make absolute certain that she wasn’t throwing away our relationship for nothing. I’m incredibly hurt, and angry, but I realize there is nothing I can do. There never was anything I could do. I have decided to cut her from my life. Life is too short to spend valuable energy and love on someone that refuses to reciprocate it.
Hey Sean,
I read your story and it touched me, wanted to comment. I know my story is not in ANY way as hurtful as what happened to you, but I had the same realization and wanted you to know that you’re completely right. You should never play second choice to your partner. She made the decision when she started contacting him that much that she was interested in this guy (quite seriously) and was putting your relationship on hold. When she flew out to see him, she was basically marking you as ‘guy in reserve’.
I had a similar SORT of situation except I had only been dating this guy for 2 months… as i said, not comparable in length but we were really intense – met online but had a number of friends in common, both lawyers… I had never felt such a deep connection with anyone in my life. We decided to double date; he was very spiritual and I watched a documentary about some of his practices and almost went to a retreat with him. However, I didn’t due to concerns about some of the substances used at this spiritual retreat (i.e. contains hallucinogenic drugs which cause vomiting, etc..) Anyway, everything was going amazing, I was anticipating having an incredible Valentine’s Day weekend… then after a few days after the retreat he tells me that he had a “vision” while on these hallucinogenic drugs where the “plant’ basically told him that he’s still deeply into his ex (in another country..) and he’s basically dropping me to go after her. He had no idea if this woman was even single, married, etc. as they split about a year ago. They also only dated for 3 months and then he erratically dropped her. I was like “wtf”. I was heartbroken but then realized how foolish that was… I couldn’t be 2nd choice to a guy like this.. so erratic, who is privileging some other person over you. It truly means they’re not that into you.
I know you really tried with counselling, etc. and you deserve all the credit for that. But for a partner to be so hurtful to deceive you like that.. to just fly off to see him and not work towards the same goal of reconciliation.. you said “I think she HAD to fly out to meet him to see if what they have is real.” She’s already saying with that that what you two have isn’t worth it, because she’s hurting you in doing that. At this stage, your trust in her is completely shattered. Thats the same with me… this guy may, at some point, ask for me back but at this point I’ve lost trust in him, and also his erratic ways are not compatible with mine. I’m moving on. I would suggest you do the same as well… I’ve told him not to contact me again. Good luck…
Hi Lia, I’m glad you found our little community!
I’m sorry to hear your story and hoe much pain you are experiencing.
Yes, absolutely no contact will work for at this time, even though he has already stopped contacting you. It will work because THIS time you are doing no contact by YOUR choice, using YOUR POWER. It’s a commitment that you make for your own healing out of love for yourself. It has nothing to do with what he thinks or feels or says or doesn’t say.
No contact is as hard as it sounds. I won’t lie. I am on day 18. But day 18 us much better than day 2. And I have faith that days coming will be better than today.
There is so much goof information here, read the articles, they do help with gaining perspective and not feeling so lost and confused. Keep reading the posts, it helps to know that others are experiencing what you are.
I signed up for Eddie’s email newsletter and downloaded the free ebook. The motivational emails are something I have started looking forward to. The ebook has a link to a sheet that you can use to track your days of no contact. It helps me to stay with it in weak moments. When I look at the progress I’ve made there Is no way I am going to blow it by breaking no contact.
I know you are kind and loving, you deserve someone who will treasure you for those qualities. Stay strong!
Tanya
Hi everyone may I please have some advice my boyfreind and I broke up after two and a half years. I was so heartbroken I wanted to die. I thought we had the best relationship in the world.we live in two different counties so when I asked him to move with me he told me he didn’t love me. I was devastated since he blindsided me.we tried to get together again and be freinds.that didn’t work.after a month he left me again .he turned off the phone and didn’t talk to me already two months.the sad part was we were together before when we were19 and that was thirty years ago. I was hoping it had been meant to be.i was hoping for an apology and everything else but never got it.today I’m starting my first day of no contact.i have texted him tried to talk to him emailed him and hoping he would see my daughter before she left for college.nothing.i am a very kind person and would not do anything to hurt anyone.i was wondering would no contact work for me since he has ignored me for two months. Thankyou everyone
Hello Everyone, I hope someone can advise me on this situation of mine.
its too much to type but i’ll just say a few words. I’ve been unhappy with my marriage of 10 years, hung in there. We don’t have anything in common, no friends together and he only wants to workout (exercise) he’s obsessed with it. I came second. he left me 3 months ago. I did all the begging crying suggesting we go to marriage counseling. all his stuff Is still in the apt and I cant kick him out because he is still on the lease. I feel good when he’s gone for 3 days at a time then he comes back and I feel kind of vulnerable again. I though about all the reasons why I wouldn’t want him back and it out ways the reason why I would want him back. I only would want him back because of the idea of having someone with me. to be affectionate, but he was not really that way. Sooooooooooo, my question is….how do I deal with the yo yo affect of seeing him sometimes until May. it is out of my hands, he is on the lease until then. please advise.
I would like to add that I just miss him being there because 10 years is a long time and then one day your partner is gone. I feel as if it’s a slap in the face because he wasn’t willing to go to counseling and that he may be afraid of hearing that he was also responsible for out marriage ending up this way. He blames me for all of it and never says he may be wrong for anything. When I see his face, I start getting weak, but when he’s gone…Im good.
I am so glad that I have found this website as I have nobody to talk about this. My girlfriend has recently split up with me saying that she doesn’t want the relationship anymore. We were friends for 10 years and got together for 3 years. I knew in my heart that we were not right for each other and continue with the relationship as I was scared to be alone, so I continued the relationship. However, over the last month she told me that she needed time out to think about our relationship, I agreed and waited but deep down I knew the outcome. Eventually I said that I cannot wait for someone to decide the fate of my future so I needed an answer either way. Finally she said that it is over and she did not love me. She wanted us to be best friends as we have know each other for over 13 years, but I am not sure I can continue the friendship as it means I live in hope to be together again. I read from the blog about the no contact rule and not sure what to do now – stay friends or break off even though I know it will be hard. What should I do?
HI David,
They say time is a healer, I believe that’s true! Just apply the No-contact rule, read Eddie’s advice and all the other people on the website, and it shall be well. avoid being alone and don’t be quick to get to a new relationship!
Apply the rule and face each day as it comes
Hi David.
Hope you are on with the no contact rule.
I devastated myself after my break up with my old time love,
It really hurts, but that is what needs to be done.
Thanks to the author for making sense out of one of life harrowing challenge..Eddie I experienced the same event. 2 years ago and for those suffering i could not even absorb how this could be a good thing..Even when i first read your article. My ex who was supposed to move in with me and told everyone I was the love of his life..went of with his ex wife.when his mom died.and remarried her within 60 days..Now he returned one day..and i thanked him for making me a better person..his leaving broke me..but it made me examine life in general from every view point..made me a kind compassinare person to others..I Am Very Happy with myself everyday every minute and happy to help others..true deep meaning was found that was lacking..to those of you going thru this..please welcome the distress at your doorstep as it will bring great change..Rumi
Hi everyone,
This is day one of nc following many relapses. My ex and I were together for one year and two months, today would have made it three months. He ended it on Dec 27. I currently dance in my previous ex bfs dance school and my now ex wanted me to leave. I couldn’t find the strength to and so he thought I chose them over him. I love him more than anything but after the break up he cut me off completely. He treated me better than anyone else and I keep reliving the fact that I should have left the dance class. It’s been two weeks or so and he is moving on and has said he is no longer in love with me. He told me he had a crush on me for four years before us getting together and now he acts like he hates me. So very lost….
Its been two years since my ex left me and i promised myself that i will never ever experience that kind of hurt again.It never stopped ive been attracting wrong partners who always left me .I met someone recently and got into a big fight with my parents over him.I asked Him nicely not to forsake me cause i need him since my parents wants nothing to do with me and once again he left me ,just said he cant play hide and seek with me anymore and that its ova .Im devastated and it felt like two years ago not because he left me but because i cant repair my relationship with my parents as i dont know how.I never thought that i would hurt this way again .
Depression hits hard…it’s been 77 day of my NC and little over 3 months as she left me. After initial period where i was totally lost, confused along with some depression i’ve decided to leave my home and rent apartment to try and live on my own. It’s been one month in my own apartment and somehow i can cope with myself. I do yoga, shrink therapy, hanging out with my friends, also i do some in home workout.
Going out is a stress for me as my friends insist that i should be happy and try to have fun. Somehow i manage that but usually it includes alcohol and happy pills…not that i’m proud of that but it helps with relaxing a bit. I’m not the guy that will recognize signs when it comes to talk with women. I always try to be friendly and polite and can’t get past few sentences with any woman when in club or some party at friends place…this leaves a terrible felling inside of me which leads to hopelessness that i feel days after. I’ve tried dating sites with similar approach and i’m not seeking a relationship as clearly i’m not ready but just to hang out with someone new, a friendly coffee would give me a boost…
Actually from around Christmas i really feel depressive. During the day it’s somewhat fine as i do daily work but in the afternoon like there is a trigger where i sit alone and break in tears…today i even called in sick as i could not find the motivation to get to work…My main problem is that i tend to take things to personally and even paper cut of someone very distant is my problem.
Last few days i have some ‘what if’ thinking as my birthday is soon and i’m expecting the message from my ex. Will this be the end of NC rule ? I don’t have any interest in conversation except of polite ‘thanks’ if the message arrives, but what if she tries to know what’s going around or have some talk with me of our breakup ? Or even worse what if she tries to reconcile ? I’m aware it’s hard to fix something as we have different wishes where i wanted that we live together and she wanted more progress in her career where living together was not the option…she tried to stay friends with me as she left me but i declined…
along with depressive feelings i feel weak as there will be possible conversation and i don’t know what to expect. Also my feelings today are really dark and heavy as it’s really hard to cope with everything. I’m aware that there isn’t a shortcut to feel great, but today it’s impossible to find the way to continue…for sure this is not the life that i had vision of in soon to be 34…
Sorry for the long post and thank you for reading 🙁
First out of all, in my opinion you gotta get rid of any thoughts like she’s gonna be wishing you happy birthday or anything. You cut out all contact so don’t expect her to contact you, if she won’t then it’s only better because it won’t disturb your healing process and mess with your feelings. Second off, man, I was in a similar situation just like you’re now. There’s only one solution that I found during this time, and this was: get your sh%t together and quit breaking down over something that should have no impact on you anymore! It’s really good that you are going out and all but on the long run alcohol and any kind of pills won’t ease the pain you just have to face. You doing good with the NC, -STICK TO IT-, breaking this rule will only cost you more pain and more “dark feelings” as you call it. You said you’re working out – that’s good, I used to do just the same when I broke up with my ex. But it was way better when I dedicated myself to it, building your strength and physique is equal to making progress mentally and becoming a WAY stronger person. So my advice is to try not to get drown in all this depression but to push yourself to the limits with physical activity and focus on this instead of feeling weak. In my case it seriously got better over time, even if it was so hard in the beginning. Focused my aggresion to work on myself, not on hatred or any of bad feelings. I hope you find it useful. Wish you good luck, you can do it. N.
Hi Tomx
So sorry you are having a bad day.
It sounds as if you have coped well to get to where you are now though. Remember its one step at a time. The next step is getting past your Birthday. I would suggest you do not reply to her if she does wish you Happy Birthday. Hopefully that would make you feel like you have regained some control. By maintaining the NC rule under this tempting situation. You see if you think she will just say ‘Happy Birthday’ and you reply ‘thanks’ and she says ‘hope you are well’ and you reply ‘good thanks how are you?’ and then she never replies….you go back to Day 1. Feeling worse than ever. Don’t do that to yourself. Be stronger, use this opportunity to add to the NC time you have already put in, it will give you some power back. She will wonder why you didn’t say thanks!! Let her be the one wondering what’s going on. Not you.
And if depression is getting to you, please do go and see your GP, they can certainly help.
Your friends sound supportive, which is great. let them be there or you.
All the best and Happy Birthday
Well, it’s been almost a year since the break-up occured. Gotta admit that it was purely my fault, I’ve tried to fix the things up afterwards but she cut out all contact couple of weeks after the break-up. As probably all of you know, sh%t’s tough lol. But it got better, and I mean it. Way better than it was in the first days. There’s a thing that I feel is holding me back – first off, from time to time I occasionally visit her social media pages and I hold within me something like “hope” of reconciliation in the future, if I would be a “better” version of myself, not really know how to put this in specific words but I hope you get it – to be honest I think it’s almost impossible, she has somebody else now and I just don’t think she would even consider the reconciliation even if she was single. Anyways, here I am people asking for your advice how to get rid of this kind of “hope” and how to just STOP being curious about what she’s doing and what she’s not doing. It starts to piss me off because it came to be something like an habit for me. Thanks for any response/help I get. N.
Hi Notorius,
how was the feeling when you realized she is with someone else? I guess it is painful in the beginning… on the other hand this is the most important information you can get. At a given point I practiced in front of the mirror “I am so glad that you found a new partner, it is such a good development”. Of course I never said that to her, it is mostly mental programming.
And the nice thing with it that it is true. The fact that my Ex has a new partner is really a nice development. (although even better, that I also have a fiance in the meantime)
all the best in the way of healing
At first second that I found out about this it was really shocking, jealousy was all over my thoughts. Felt like a face slap if I can call it this way – doors to any reconciliation became permanently closed. Anwyays, after some time of NC that I managed to maintain I stopped giving a s%it about her new partner, like it should bother me – I used to think that he is better than me or something but finally (over a time) I came to conclusion that it’s just a bunch of bulls%it and I have to get myself together to leave all this behind me. Nowdays it doesn’t concern me at all. What concerns me still is what I’ve just listed before in my post, like it’s the last step to make to just be over all this, but these thoughts keep spinning in my head. Not really knowing how to handle this. Thanks for the response anyway. Happy to hear that you’re doing fine. N.
Hi Notorius,
it may sounds stupid, but you can use that second bad feeling to kill the hope (this is what you need after-all, get rid of a false hope).
And I do not know your Ex, but generally there is a Catch 22 with all those reconciliation stories.
– In order to make a partnership work at least one of you has to change (the lifestyle, habits whatever… there was a reason why it did not work)
– However if you make those changes you might not what that relationship at all, because it was something belonged to your former self.
In a sense I am still not completely over my Ex, because when we meet at the workplace I have bad feelings and wonder how on earth I was so dumb to be attracted to such a woman… on the other hand she was the stimulus to come to this site, read the “manual” and get my life on track. So maybe at some point I will forgive (still don’t want her in my life).
It has been 9 weeks since my break, we had been together for 6 years….I have had no contact apart from a long letter she sent me, the letter hit me for six and wasn’t what I really needed or wanted at the time I got it. She said she wanted to remain friends in the future but I couldn’t do that as well as many other things, we would have to be together or nothing at all. Is that a way of her clinging on to me?? I have had contact from her mum who has been saying she knows im right person for her daughter but also understands that if we didn’t break up it would have affects in the long term, she says her daughter is confused and unsure of what she wants but I know I cant hang around waiting…..all a bit confusing. We started going out when we were 17 and have been through a lot together including the divorce of her parents. For large parts it had been a long term relationship but we had coped. We always used to talk about the future and how we were a good fit together and shared some of the same interests. It was amazing when we saw each other and felt totally at ease with each other. It came to a point where I think we both knew it was for the best to move on and find ourselves as people, this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through and reading these posts makes me realise im not on my own. I find myself dreaming of her and waking up in the night it just seems impossible to get her out of my head. I know it is early days still but I just have that gut feeling that we are meant to be. I might be crazy but who knows! The hardest bit is not knowing what she is thinking. I have totally taken her out of my life got rid of all the social media I couldn’t bare to see a picture of her anywhere at this present moment I don’t want to know what she is doing. Can anyone take me into what girls think after a break up!! Any help or comments would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Harry. You sound like all the rest of us on here, looking for answers to questions that go round and round our heads like a whirlpool.
What us women/girls feel after a break up is pretty much what guys are feeling.
If we initiated the breakup, there had to be reasons for that.
My reason was we were fizzling out. But, it still hurts very much and like you we think about the person we lost, constantly. It drives you almost insane. Too many questions unanswered and no one or nothing can stop it. They say time makes it better, but sometimes we overlap the process of getting over it and revisit certain matters that were relevant to the break up or so we think. I revisited the last time I saw him and it brought me down again.
If your girl is serious about breaking up with you, there is nothing you can do. But one of the most annoying things you can do to her, is no contact, just disappear off the radar, become unavailable. It sounds like a game but really it is mostly for your own benefit as no contact actually helps us stand back and gradually let go and see things for how they really are. Let her go, love her from afar [I am doing that with my ex] forgive her and keep forgiving. If she wants out there is nothing you can do but let her go. If she thinks you will jump when she decides she wants something she will find it too easy. Make it hard for her, live your life, cry and punch pillows, go to the gym, go for a swim, exhaust yourself every day so you sleep well at night. It takes time. All grief takes time.Talk to a good friend about how you are feeling, someone you trust. Women are good listeners too. make a pact that when you want to talk you can ring them or message them to talk about how you are feeling. Talking helps as does writing things down. I hope you feel better soon and you don’t need to take any of this advice , take what you need and leave the rest.
Yes you get into that mind-set where you feel you can get out of it and all you think about is them. You are so correct with the no contact, I have got rid of everything and it certainly is hard at first but has become slowly easier. I know she is an avid user on social media portraying this happy life that she is supposedly living when I know deep down she isn’t. She will post endless pictures of what she is doing to get attention. (she is insecure) I have completely gone of the radar so to speak rather than playing silly games! Yes ive got some good girl friends who have been very good to me it does help. The problem is I put ideas in my head about she is doing/ who she may be speaking to and how she may be feeling which doesn’t help the situation at all, when probably she is feeling just like I am and worrying about the same things I am, if she wasn’t I would be shocked! I am telling myself to focus on me and nothing else. I know she doesn’t know what to do with her life as her mother said, she is currently on a year abroad which she hates and I think she thought by breaking up she would be happier but only time will tell!
Hi Harry, I think all breakups have their own characteristics and I’ve been on both sides, twice! Doesn’t matter what gender you are, if you truly loved the person and they reject you it’s gonna hurt like hell. If you want out of a relationship because you stopped loving that person, or because you found someone else you can generally move on quite quickly because you have worked through your emotions for several months if not years before making the decision to leave. So it can look heartless to the person you leave.
But if you leave a relationship when you still love the person, then it does hurt. I left mine because he just wasnt giving me the love I needed, he was a user. I love him so much and gave him everything. He keeps coming back but not offering more, so I have had to cut him off or my own sanity. So I think you are doing the right thing, but boy is it hard.
Hi Harry, I think all breakups have their own characteristics and I’ve been on both sides, twice! Doesn’t matter what gender you are, if you truly loved the person and they reject you it’s gonna hurt like hell. If you want out of a relationship because you stopped loving that person, or because you found someone else you can generally move on quite quickly because you have worked through your emotions for several months if not years before making the decision to leave. So it can look heartless to the person you leave.
But if you leave a relationship when you still love the person, then it does hurt. I left mine because he just wasnt giving me the love I needed, he was a user. I love him so much and gave him everything. He keeps coming back but not offering more, so I have had to cut him off for my own sanity. So I think you are doing the right thing, but boy is it hard.
Hi Hope, Yes I have experienced that pain, I think for me it was made worse that it was so amicable! In the letter she wrote she wanted to remain friends at some point, I know that will never happen it couldn’t possibly, for me you are either with them or you are nothing at all. its all a metal thing in my opinion if you can overcome that you are half way there, easier said than done that is for sure!!I felt I was giving far much more love than she was, not to say she wasn’t but she had a different away of approaching it, maybe it was her age I don’t know and being unsure of herself and what she wanted. I was the one organising when we would see each other and planning trips and meals out. In the end it just all felt one way a little bit, she didn’t say no when I was planning things that is for sure!Yes I think cutting them out it the correct thing. Its great to here from other people and there situations. Keep it coming guys! let it out!!!
Here we go again on this roller coaster. This will be day 4 of NC for me, I definitely relapsed.
My ex and I broke up approximately 9 months ago, we were together and lived together for over 5 years, had a dog together. I found out she was seeing a co-worker behind my back, attempted to work it out for a week, wasn’t working. She moved out, it was all and all a bad break-up. I have only ran into her once after two months into the break-up, no words spoken, ignored each other, but she was with the co-worker which really fired me up. I found myself partying really hard with friends all summer and randomly dating which was only dowsing fuel onto the fire. When I would start getting myself back together and on a good work-out/eating routing and be on NC for about 30 or so days, I would receive a text or random call from her. At first I would ignore them but even that would eat me up inside for the next few days. I would ask myself “what did she want”, “Would I be able to get over what she did?” “Does she want to come back?” (They say forgiveness is the truest form of love, but I don’t agree and I don’t know who “They” is). So I would beat myself up and would eventually text her and not get a response, which crushed me and sent me back into the dreaded black hole. So this went on randomly for some time in cycles. We both have a lot of mutual friends so of course they feel the need to tell me things about her which would just bring me down. It came to a point that I told them that I did not want to know anything about her current situation, most of them are good about it but after a few drinks they tend to slip, so then I fall.
Now its the holiday season of 2014, it crushed me, it felt like she just moved out again and I was right back to square one. Of course I send her a drunken New Year’s Eve text, no response, it devastated me. Again right back to square one times 10.
After 9 months I thought I would have moved on already but I’m starting over again. I know she is now living with the co-worker through word of mouth and social media which has also sent me into turmoil. The question I cannot stop asking myself is why, in some way do I want her back, I’m not the one who was fooling around?
What I honestly have to say is finding this website was a blessing, I’m just mad that I didn’t find it 9 months ago. Reading these articles put everything in perspective. I will definitely be referring back and utilizing some of the methods to move forward. So here I go again, 56 days to go.
Thanks Eddie.
Hi James, my goodness you are living though everything I am living through too! It’s really horrible. The dilemmas cause us torture. I feel your pain because its mine too. It’s caused by rejection. It’s painful to be rejected. But you have to stand back from that and realise its only one person who feels they no longer want you in their life. ‘One’ person. She really didn’t mean to make you feel so hurt, all she did was decide she wanted to see where a friendship with someone else would lead her. Life is like this sometimes. You are a lovely person, you are worthy of love and as soon as you can put the breakup into its true perspective, you will find love again. One person. One! And as you truly loved her, try to be glad she is happy. Instead of fighting your love and trying to get rid of it. Love her more, by loving her unconditionally, and letting her go. I am trying to do that, and it is making me feel stronger, although I don’t think my guy ever really deserved my love. It seems to be helping me to think of it like this, instead of feeling angry and hurt.
Steph girl you are strong!Eddie founded this site to help shorten our suffering.He was in a dark place for too long as well.
We all of us are on our own journey and nobody said it would be easy.To keep the faith to keep hope alive when you can barely breathe is tough.You have a lot going for you however people who love and depend on you and new grandbabies how lovely.
It’s difficult the letting go when you have had years together and some good memories. Dwelling on the sad parts however will only keep you stuck paused in the dark.The whys and what ifs there aren’t answers for.You know in your heart that it is time to concentrate now on you, and your children.Give yourself permission to let it all go.You did your very best .This is your year the year you put the hurts to rest finally once and for all.To stay in the suffering mode won’t help anything, except to drag you down further into a black hole.
I hope that you see that there are many of us here on this site to help you(including Eddie) you aren’t on your own .Vent any time of the night or day for this site is worldwide and always
someone is hear to listen to you.I myself found comfort in this in the beginning.
Remember to do something nice for you a new outfit perhaps,a pedicure,a new haircut.Maybe try yoga, a spa massage.You are evolving now because of this,what has happened in your life( while you might not see it) you are changed forever.Make it a change for the better girl don’t let any one man keep control over you keep you down take your spirit.You are far better than this!always remember to nurture self!
hugs Brenda
Happy New Year all! 2015 is alive with new beginnings,new hopes and dreams.Time to make a huge effort to leave the bad stuff behind us now to the past.I read something that clicked in my brain.It said that a seed has to crack wide open,have it’s insides spill out in order to grow and thrive.I have been that seed,think a lot of us have been there.It’s not devastation but growth.
To Steph you tried very very hard to make it all work.You have now come to realize however that your mental and physical health is at risk while hes carrying on just fine.Girl give yourself the biggest hug and then take it one day at a time,one hour at a time and stick to your plan of no contact.It’s the only way, you have to pass through the pain in order to grow and move forward.There is no magic wand(wish that there was) no pill no amount of drinks that can make the time go faster.You found this site as we all did for a reason.It’s here to guide us to help us through the dark days.
You are not alone heartbreak heartache is like divorce and death.Make peace with it,love yourself you did your best and don’t close off but believe that there is a plan for you and better things will come.
Sending you warm hugs,it will get better this I promise you! have faith never lose hope!
Brenda
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your very kind and welcome reply. As I said for three years I have been devastated and to the darkest place possible, now I know this can’t go on as it’s effecting my health and my children as they don’t know what to expect from me from one day to the next. This is a new year and it can’t be the 4th year or darkness. I still don’t believe this happened to me as we were always together and very much a family comes first type of couple. I realise that it was me who kept the family together and happy. I now have two more grandchildren that make me happy to be alive and they help me so much. I have started the NC so many times I even lasted 5month, now I know when I hear his voice that it’s a trigger that sets me off for a fall. I am on antidepressants and this year I hope to wein off of them and live my life. I would never have thought this could go on for so long but I realise it has to stop its time to live my life and think of myself and not him. I know I have the strength to do this and with support from people like you who know what I am going through I have support and friends. I hope all is going well for you and I will remember you in my prayers godbless and a massive thank you for taking the time to help me with your much wanted and needed reply, it’s good to now I am fighting this with others who have been there and survived. From my heart I thandyou x x x Steph x
Dear friends it is with a lot of pain I write this to you all. My husband of 30years was having an affair with a woman in his work. I found out on new years day 2012 and immediately put him out of our marital home. This broke my heart as we were parents to three children and grandparents to five children. I briefly took him back in July 2012 as he was devastated at losing his family. I tried so hard to make it work but he just wanted to go out every weekend and drink. It was with much regret that I caught him again texting the same woman and asked him 2 leave. It’s been three years now and I still feel very raw, I find myself texting and phoning him I always want to know what he’s doing but get upset when I find out he is never in and gets three holidays a year. I have now decided for the new year I am cutting all contact as this has effected my mental and physical health. Please if anyone has any advice on how I can move on I would be very grateful. Thank you S x
Hi everyone. I hope most of you managed to get through Christmas? I did, just. The week before Christmas was strange. I felt I wanted to not bother celebrating at all. I could not see the point, and for some unknown reason I felt lost and unhappy.Maybe because last year was different and someone was here with me. But even then last year,when he had moved in with me , he was still bigging up his ex only two months into living with me. I wondered why and told myself I was being silly to make something of it. But, that time should have been our time and not blemished with him glorifying his ex. It was supposed to be our first Christmas living together. I assumed that was what he strove for, to be with me and have a future? I was obviously wrong, he still had a thing for her and nothing I did would change it, no matter what I did. So I grew more discontent and could not cope anymore so ended the relationship. My question is to all of you on here. Why do we beat ourselves up over someone who obviously could not care less about us? Perhaps we have to go a little deeper to get ”closure” or am I going mad? I feel that some days are good and I feel I am making progress, honestly. Then out of the blue,I beat myself up. I am not attractive enough, I am not intelligent enough. My goodness he put his face to my face and said.” You are stupid, do you know that?” I replay what happened that last day, over and over and the reasons I told him to go. Maybe it’s because it’s an anniversary of some sort, that is why I am struggling. Then I know I am the only one feeling like this. That he has moved on already and is happy with someone new. That is why he did not try to get me back. He never loved me in the first place. It’s hard to acknowledge that. So ok, I am having a bad few days and then I can get stronger again and tell myself it does not matter anymore. That helps me to say that. I have to remind myself of the reason we split then I feel better. Oh Lord. What we do to ourselves , or rather what I do to myself. But, we have made it through this far , so we all rock and we can do this. Sending love and support to you all.
Hi New Beginnings,
You do Rock. It’s so hard and you are doing just fine. How long has it been since you split up? I am on day 38. As you said some days are better than others. But we will get through. Xxx
Hope…It has been just over 7 months since I ended it. It feels like it has been much longer.I caved in 3 times in the first 3 months and felt so lousy for quite a while after. It does help when you get the strength not to contact. I deleted all from him re contacts, facebook , phone number, email. his friends cannot look at my profile either or contact me. It was extreme, and there were times I regretted not having his number to text but that would have been worse for me. But a relationship of being pushed around when you broach anything they are uncomfortable with, is an unhealthy one. I feel a little better for new years day.
Hope, you are doing really well too, and as you said , some days are harder . It is different for everyone. Take care.
Thank you. I feel better for New Year’s Day too! It’s definitely hard going, but there is light at the end of the tunnell. Keep it up. 🙂