“Pain by itself is merely pain, but the experience of pain coupled with an understanding that the pain serves a worthy purpose is suffering. Suffering can be endured because there is a reason for it that is worth the effort. What is more worthy of your pain than the evolution of your soul?”
— Gary Zukav (from “Seat Of The Soul”)
I don't think I have to explain to you the intensity of the emotional pain a break-up or divorce causes. We know it… you and me both.
It is excruciating because it can torture you over a long period of time.
Now, some scientific researchers went out to prove that this kind of pain is actually perceived by the brain the same way “real” pain is felt when caused by an injury.
The actual research was done with 40 voluntary participants being asked to recall the very moment of their recent break-ups while receiving MRI scans.
The interesting finding was that both kinds of pain activated the same areas of the brain, so they had to be similar in how it was experienced.
What that actually means, is that when you feel pain after a break-up, that it really IS pain.
This realization will maybe help us to approach this kind of pain in the same way we would approach every other physical pain – by knowing that it has an end, and that it's only a warning sign for something that is wrong with our bodies or our immediate surrounding.
That we need to accept it, attend it and then eventually learn to ignore it… even if hurts like hell.
I remember back that I would have done anything for this excruciating pain to stop – and I didn't care about how at all. I thought getting her back would bring me some relief, but luckily I realized that this was a dead end. So, I tried my best to kill it with the conventional ways I've known – I tried alcohol, painkillers, warm baths, even acupuncture.
Nothing worked, and most of it backfired terribly, (I hit rock-bottom after coming home drunk one day), so you shouldn't do any of it.
It didn't take long for me to realize that the whole thing wasn't about the pain and getting rid of it. It was about going THROUGH the pain, accepting it and even embracing it.
The pain wasn't really the problem. The real problem was my underlying false belief that I cannot make it alone. That I cease to exist without her.
I made her the very center of my life, and without her in the middle, everything was falling apart.
So changing THIS false belief was one of the milestones for my recovery. And the pain was just a physical manifestation of this inner conflict this false belief was causing.
Two things worked well for me in reducing this kind of pain, making it bearable and at the same time addressing my inner beliefs:
An ancient breathing technique, (I talk about this in my free newsletter), and positive affirmations like, “I can handle anything the universe sends my way, it never gives us more than we can bear” repeated continuously throughout the day.
Scientific research has proven that emotional pain is like real pain, which is why it will help you in your recovery to treat it as such.
Read the full scientific article written by author and chemist Robert Rister here.
What do YOU think?
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
I’m desperately struggling to get over my ex of 17 years who unceremoniously dumped me by text. It was 20 months ago, and if anything, I’m feeling worse. From the outside I look to be coping well, but inside I” m dying/dead, and struggle o find any meaning in anything.
Foolishly, I made contact with ex a few weeks ago and told him how I felt as there had never been any real closure. What I got from him (a mumbled response that he missed me/wanted to see me etc) has made matters even worse. On our second brief meeting two weeks’ ago, he suggested we meet for dinner. Wow! My world had come back into life with colour …… only for him to cancel (by text again!) last week. I’m devastated.
I read Eddie’s newsletter everyday, have tried various approaches to recovery but getting nowhere. Does anyone think it’s worth me taking Eddie’s course, or is the problem too deep seated after all these months and my own destructive attempts at trying to win ‘the one’ back?
Would so appreciate any advice from others who’ve been here 😢😢
I did Eddie’s course last year, and I can honestly say that it has helped me a great deal. My problem was that I just couldn’t imagine a life without him. I kept stalking him on Facebook and it killed me to see how his life just went on without me.
I started following no contact a week after enrolling… the members support group was awesome… I don’t know if I could’ve done it without the support of all the others in this course.
What I especially liked was that Eddie explained the steps and obstacles you go through no contact… I haven’t seen anyone doing this.
All in all I don’t think that I would have gotten over him without this course.
Sarah
Don’t dwell on it and it does get better with time. everything happens for a reason and sometimes good things fall apart so even better things can fall into place!
I am 33 was married for 9 years, have been divorced for 2 years, and I have children. My ex wife moved to Arizona with the kids and I moved to southern California to be close to them. Right when I moved, I met the woman of my dreams. We had the same upbringing, were married the same amount of time, both had kids, she had the most intoxicating eyes and I had never been so attracted to someone. We were both athletes in college. We had the same interests and understood each other perfectly. We dated for 8 months and there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t feel loved by her. We would often tell each other that we were the love of each others lives. She was the first woman I really gave my all for. I never questioned that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. She was great with my children and her boys loved me. If you put her two boys together, you’d make a clone of me. Life was so beautiful, and I can honestly say for the first time, that I truly loved a woman and was truly happy. We made plans to move in together. Her boys were excited. I searched the best school districts for her boys. We finally found the perfect place. I received an appraisal on the home and it appraised for the sellers asking price which means we could get fully financed. I called to tell her the good news and I knew something was wrong by her reaction (this was a week ago and she was under lots of stress from school and other things). A few days earlier I had told her that I knew this was right, because I never had a doubt about wanting to spend the rest of my life with her. She was quiet on the phone and said, “I’m not sure” . My heart instantly sank. She said she needed a couple of days to collect her thoughts. I was crushed. I drank half a bottle of whiskey that night and showed up a mess to work. She texted me the next morning and said that she still had feelings for her ex whom she dated for 2 years and broke up with 5 months before we met. Come to find out, he had called her 2 months before and said he had been to counseling and had made the biggest mistake of his life by letting her go. The reason they broke up was because he didn’t know how to be a father to her boys. The most beautiful 8 months I’ve ever experienced was over. I called in sick the rest of the week and couldn’t eat or sleep. I sent her irrational drunk texts for the first 4 days, and then I stumbled upon Ex Detox while in a very desperate state. I purchased it and read it over the last two days. Yesterday I implemented NC. I sent her a letter stating that as long as I wanted more, we could not just be friends and to please not contact me (no phone, no text, no Facebook…I’ve defriended her and her friends as well very politely)…I needed time to heal. I also told her that if her boys wanted to come down to hang out, to email me. That was yesterday. I’ve made it through day 1 with NC. Meditation and positive affirmations have greatly helped, along with talking to some good friends. She’s coming to get her things from my apartment in 3 days. I will be gone. I can’t express in words the pain that I experienced over those first few days. I also can’t express how grateful I am for Ex Detox. I have progressed so much in the first two days after reading the book. I’m still hoping in the back of her mind that she realizes her mistake and comes back (don’t think that will happen for a while), but one thing that has become apparent to me by reading, is that your significant other can be like a drug. I was totally addicted to her. She was totally addicted to me until that call, which changed her mind and her chemistry. If I look back over the last two months, I did have a feeling of jealousy in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t explain why at the time, but now I know. She has moved from one drug (me) to another drug (her ex…which this drug has to wear off before she can miss me). It’s amazing how understanding my addiction to her has made NC almost easy (1 week to the day of the breakup). Of course it still hurts, but I’m choosing to remember the good times. I don’t want to be addicted to a woman. I want to be loved truly and give back 10 fold to the woman I love. She betrayed me by not being honest. She betrayed me by talking to her ex behind my back. I deserve better. I cried today, but not because of her. I cried because I remembered the look of excitement on her boys faces when they thought we would all live together. I will get over her, so I can not want her. When I don’t want her, I will be able to have a relationship with her boys (she expressed her desire for her boys to maintain a relationship with me and my children). I will also be able to start a relationship with my true life partner. I feel like I’m almost progressing too quickly…are there any pitfalls I should be aware of? I’ve always been a very confident person. Does this just mean I’m a confident person, or could there be an underlying denial?
Ryan
Been a month to the day since he walked and I feel so bad I don’t know what to do, I just can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t seem to see the future at all, I know I have to move on but I can’t see a way, I just live on autopilot and as soon as I am alone, I cry and cry. It isn’t getting better 🙁
Hi Sarah,
I’m sorry you’re going thru such a bad time. I too am suffering the same way you are. I’m also on autopilot and cry when I’m alone. I have been practicing the No-Contact rule, doing affirmations, and writing in my journal. These things seem to help. It’s been almost one month since my ex has walked out on me too. He wanted to stay ‘friends’ but I simply cannot do that. Nor do I want to do that. I need time to heal and so do you. Keep reading the articles and practicing some of the techniques because they really do help. You’re not alone and remember that other people feel your pain as well. I’m stuck in an emotional roller coaster, but I know that with time and practicing these tools will aid me to be the person I truly want to be…and love myself. I hope this helps and hope you find the strength within yourself to move on as best you can.
I feel for you, I really do. I went NC after he wanted to be friends. I know I can’t do that. Just cos he has switched off his feelings, I can’t. Told him if I wasn’t his everything I had to be his nothing and from that point cut contact completely. Hurts like hell but necessary. I did the journal thing and that did help. I realised how much pain he had put me through over the last year and started to question if i really could be with someone like that who could take my love and just abuse it. Treat it like a joke. He has played with my heart, head and feelings and as every day passes I realise he is the loser in this situation, not me. So I am off to the pub with some old friends tonight who I haven’t seen for months as he didn’t like me seeing my friends (cos most are male) and I am determined to look my best and enjoy the evening. Decided to avoid alcohol and take the car so I don’t get mopey or upset. I just have to fight my way through this and remember that I can’t make someone appreciate me. Thanks for your reply, it does help to know I am not the only person fighting to carry on xx
I just had my heart truly broken for the first time at 37 years old. i honestly didn’t know of real physical pain associated to heartbreak. I thought it was just the stuff songs were written about as I had always been the dumper in the past so to be the dumpee and actually feel like my insides had been ripped out was a revelation.
It is 3am and I should be sleeping but the pain caused by memories and visions of my ex has me awake and suffering in pure pain. I have so much to say and the fact that I will NEVER have closure just hurts so badly.
yeah i have the same problem but don’t worry we just need time
You are not alone; I am exactly the same. There seems to be no end, and I too seek closure that just doesn’t come. I think we can get through this; we’re good people with love to offer. Be strong and know you are not alone.
So very true. I am enjoying this state now, as well as the freedom to do and to socialize as I please. S’wonderful!
Good to hear you’re feeling better and it’s always a pleasure to read your comments :).