“Tell me again how you went from loving me to not loving me…”
-Movie Quote
When we experience a devastating loss through a break-up or divorce, sooner or later we will ask ourselves two specific questions:
- How could s/he stop loving me so suddenly?
- How can I fall out of love, so that I won't have to endure this terrible emotional roller-coaster?
In the next few paragraphs, I will give you some answers and food for thought to these fundamental questions.
Also, I will show you how you can use this knowledge to get over your own break-up faster. (Along with some additional philosophical lines demonstrating why love isn't eternal).
So please read on.
Contents:
The Definition Of Falling Out Of Love
Reasons Why People Fall Out Of Love
The Reason Why Exes Move On So Fast
How Can You Fall Out Of Love The Fastest Way Possible
Isn't Love Supposed To Be Eternal?
I had a client once – let's call her Jennifer – who came to me a few weeks after her husband left her unexpectedly. They had been on an incredible vacation together to Hawaii, and at the very hour of their return home, he broke the news to her.
That day she felt as if someone had beamed her up into another reality. The very fact that this happened so suddenly made her break down completely.
What happened?
And moreover, why had he left her just after they had such an unforgettable time together?
“No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice”
-Unknown
The Definition Of Falling Out Of Love
Falling out of love is simply the opposite of falling into love – it's ceasing to love someone. It's an artificial phrase to describe an inexplicable circumstance.
An absence of love once present.
Which of course throws up even more questions, like when exactly does falling out of love happen? Is it a process, or does it happen from one moment to another?
Were those people ever IN love when they could fall OUT of love?
And most importantly – and here's the romantic soul in me speaking – isn't love supposed to last forever?
These are all great questions, all of which Jennifer had asked herself already while she was ranting to me about this man formerly known as her husband.
But before we can get to the bottom of this problem, we need to take a step back and acknowledge that most of us don't do things without a reason.
There's always a core motivation to our every action.
My experience with people is that we all have two core motivations to do something:
It's either to seek pleasure or to avoid pain (it's an ancient cave-man, brain-wiring thing).
So which one was it for Jennifer's husband?
Reasons Why People Fall Out Of Love
The number one reason people fall out of love – let's assume for a moment that this oxymoron is possible – is due to incompatibilities.
When we start a new relationship, everything seems to be perfect. We see the world through rose-colored glasses, and the whole world is love, peace, and harmony.
Your partner doesn't have ANY flaws whatsoever, you both are a perfect match to each other, and there's not a single thing in the world you can think of why you shouldn't be together forever.
Love is a powerful mind-bending drug.I'm not writing this out of sarcasm, in fact, I'm a big fan of love. And because I'm such a fan and maven of love, I know that it comes in different facets.
MORE: How I Found The Definition Of True Love
True love exists. It is what remains even when the fascination of the new fades out, and we suddenly and shockingly realize that our partner is all but perfect.
But at this point, when all of these flaws and shortcomings arise, many start to feel that this is not at all what they've signed up for.
Suddenly everything starts to become complicated and hard work.
That's why so many bail.
It's simply too arduous. And we don't want that.
Not when there's another potential candidate waiting in line ready to give us the love-drug again that we so dearly miss.
We want simple.
Again, I'm not sarcastic; I'm merely calling the ugly thing by its name.
This is the main reason people fall out of love – simply because they realize it's not at all what they wanted.
Can you prevent that from happening?
Well, for one, you can always be who you really are, and you can be completely honest about what you are expecting from your partner.
Idealization at the beginning of a relationship is ok to some degree, but you should always know your needs and see them being met.
Am I saying that it's your fault that your partner left?
No.
I'm just saying that a relationship is an equilibrium of the wants and needs of two people, of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. And if that equilibrium gets out of balance, well then my friends, conflicts will occur.
Whose fault is that?
Exactly. No ones.
The Reason Why Exes Move On So Fast
The reasons why Jennifer's husband was able to move on so fast, and why the break-up was perceived as “out of the blue” by Jennifer, was because he started to separate himself emotionally from her a very long time ago.
He felt that the connection was lost and that his personal needs weren't fulfilled, so he decided – consciously or unconsciously – to detach himself from this marriage.
Slowly, step-by-step, day by day he slipped away more and more.
Of course, the signs were there. Jennifer must have seen them.
When my Ex left me back then, I also thought that it came out of the blue… like she just came up with that crazy idea to break up today.
“I don't love you anymore,” she said. As if she just wanted to see how I would react when she crushed my world.
Later I realized that there were tons of red flags.
I just chose to ignore them, just like someone chooses to ignore a painful, unwanted reality that so completely doesn't fit in their lives.
That was my only fault I share with Jennifer.
So why in hell haven't they said anything – given us a chance to change, repair, smooth things over – just to do something?
Well maybe they have, and we just didn't have the time to listen.
Or maybe they haven't.
Either way, it is not important whose fault it was.
It is important to know that they broke up with you a long time before you chose to accept it. Way before this painful, unwanted reality entered your life.
So, at the time of the actual break-up, Jennifer's husband was emotionally already where she would not be for at least another ten months.
That's the sad truth. An Ex can move on fast because they are simply miles ahead of us.
How Can You Fall Out Of Love The Fastest Way Possible?
So if our Exes were able to fall out of love with us, then shouldn't WE be able to follow suit? Right?
Yes, we can … we are NOT helpless.
Here's the agenda we need to accomplish:
We need to fall out of love with our Ex; we need to completely and utterly stop loving them. That means more precisely to stand in front of them and feel absolutely nothing.
Nada … as if we were standing in front of a stranger.
Given the fact that the addiction we have for our Ex is the root to all of our problems, it seems that this is the most desirable outcome.
I go yet one step further and say that the desire to do so is a precondition to recovery. You MUST WANT to fall out of love in order to heal and make way to the possibility of finding a better, more fulfilled relationship.
It is the right way. But the journey will be arduous.
As you may know, this said journey of break-up recovery leads you through different phases. All of which have their own pitfalls and challenges.
In a nutshell, when you want to heal from a broken heart you have to accomplish three miraculous things. You have to:
- contain the pain
- accept that it's over
- make the leap into independence
All of these will stretch you to the limit.
What I've experienced personally, and most of my clients have as well, is that the “out-of-love-falling” happens with the leap into independence, where we shift off our dependence to our Ex and take off our rose-colored glasses.
When we can truly see the world as it is again, with complete detoxification of the love-drug.
We then realize that we can very well make it alone, and we kick our Ex from their pedestal that we've built for them … with a blast.
MORE: Kicking The Ex From Their Pedestal – Getting Over A Break Up
This, and the time that follows is where “the magic” happens, and we simply fall out-of love and … hopefully, IN love again.
What did it for me personally, was a combination of self-realization, self-discovery and the complete physical absence of my Ex.
And as I preach so often my dear friends: it always starts with No-Contact. (You should sign-up to my newsletter if you need help with that).
One last mystery remains yet uncovered:
Isn't Love Supposed To Be Eternal?
“It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no ‘exit' signs in love, there is only an ‘on' ramp.”
-Unknown
I agree with this quote… with some reservations. Were ALL forms of love like the one eternal altruistic love, then yes… love would never die.
But knowing that there are many forms, including those created by our own power of will – remember how I once told you that I continuously forced myself to love my Ex – most love is mortal.
Unfortunately not EVERY love we experience is THAT eternal altruistic love.So when you find yourself alone, after your Ex's love for you has died, the question is NOT whether your love for him was THE “real” facet of love or not.
Nope my, friends.
The question is how fast will you realize that you MUST get rid of this love the fastest way possible.
Because it's either YOU kill it or, IT kills you.
This is not being un-romatic… there is no romance in one-sided love.
This is being realistic. This is me having seen far too many of you who suffered way beyond they should have.
This is me helping you to take this break-up, squeeze every single drop of insight out of it and use this knowledge to become a better person… and eventually to dare to start this whole thing all over again.
But this time I promise you… you will be more complete, wiser and also stronger.
So is it possible to fall out of love?
It is and it is not… it solely depends on you.
What do YOU think? Please share in the comment section below.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
So.. I am enjoying this website as well. I have been with my husband 3 years.. We were married December of last year and only married four months, before I came home and he was throwing my things out.. for literally no reason.
He got depressed soon after we got married. Quit working, quit caring about life in general. I stayed with him, loved him, wanted to help him and he pushed me out. HE decided it was over after I gave my ALL. This happened last week. I am still in shock. I am 36 years old and at my parents. I feel like a failure. I found out he was unfaithful the entire relationship. I would have argued with anyone he wasn’t a cheater. Why do i keep getting fooled? Sorry to vent on your website… Thanks for listening.
How do I stand a chance of falling out of love with my ex!!! It seems as if people are still in love with their ex years later and I”m only only on day 9 of No Contact (2 weeks since we broke up). The problem is that I will enforce the 60 days NC and even longer but there will be a time that I need to start hanging out with my friends again (we have the same group of friends). So I will be seeing him for the very least once or twice a month at gatherings/functions etc. I will have to see him with a new girlfriend when he gets one and I will be dying inside. Am I going to be feeling this aching feeling of missing him and wanting to be with him forever? I really cant isolate myself from my friends forever as it will just make me feel very alone 🙁 I’m starting to feel sad and hopeless again after feeling so positive earlier today!!!
Janine-
You’re doing great! 9 days of NC is a great accomplishment! I’m on 2 weeks as of today, and while it is difficult (and I still think about him from time to time), it has really given me the opportunity to see how much of an angry monkey my ex was. I saw the all of the flags and ignored them…
Do yourself a favor- make a list of all the things you hated about him, and all the things that you want in a person that he fell short on. Look at the list constantly until they are cemented in your head. It helps! Trust me.
Now as far as your friends go… You need them for support. Why are you afraid to see him with someone new? Stop focusing on him. He has the same opportunity to see you with someone new too- or to see you out and about with your friends moving on with your life! Get out- have fun! Live your life- and look beautiful doing it! I went out with my friends last weekend- so many guys tried to hit on me… I’m not ready to date, but it does wonders for your ego! Sometimes break-ups can really take a toll on your self-esteem, so put yourself out there-just for fun! Enjoy yourself!
I suspect that he dumped you. Am I right? Your longing for him may be due to rejection… Its hard not to become a stalker (lol) when someone breaks up with you… its human nature to want what we can’t have. But if he dumped you- please believe me- he did you a HUGE favor by clearing the way for someone who wouldn’t want to let you go for one second!
STAY POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi C
Thanks for responding and your encouragement. Its good to know you made it to 2 weeks 🙂
That’s the thing, I don’t hate him. When we moved from the romantic love phase into the cooling off phase it was devastating to him, we both thought that those feelings last forever (ignorant I know). He slowly started seeing me as a friend and just gave up and didn’t fight for us. We tried for a year but how does one make that work when one partner has given up and the other wallowing in a pit of hopelessness and despair. But yeah you’re right, he didn’t fight for me or us so that is something I don’t like about him. I thought all the time that he was trying but it was just like he was hanging out with a friend (with benefits).
Once again you are right, I should stop focusing on him. This recovery is all about me and my life and how I can make things better for myself and love myself. I really don’t need to worry about if he thinks about me, what he’s doing or what’s happening in his life.
lol I’m definitely not a stalker, I came across Eddie’s program in the week that I knew we were gonna break up so I already told him on the day that I want no emails/texts from him etc. I’m glad I found Eddie before the time otherwise I could be making some huge mistakes right now 🙂
Thanks so much C, I will do whatever it takes to STAY POSITIVE!!!!
I had a boyfriend of 5 years and we were each others first boyfriend and girlfriend. Everything was perfect he treated me right, he was caring, a hard worker, there was nothing wrong with him and he treated me like a princess everyday saying that he loves me and giving me a kiss when I sleep before he went to work. But towards the end of the relationship, I started getting sick and I had to quit working. At that time, we were living together, so my parents came and got me and I moved back with them to get better. My boyfriend and I said our goodbyes and departed ways. To me it wasn’t a breakup but my parents said it was. After I got better a month later, I decided to surprise him with a visit, he had no idea I was coming and it was the best week ever. After I visited him, I asked if he could come and visit me too, and he would always come up with excuses saying that he doesn’t know or we will see or he doesn’t have any money. I told him that I would be happy to pay for his plane ticket but he would still come up with excuses so that made me really upset. I found out that I was moving across state and again I asked him to visit me before I moved for good, and again, he would come up with the same excuses so I never saw him again. January I called him and he said that he wanted to break up. I was so confused and devestated. I couldn’t believe what I heard and when I asked him why, he couldn’t give me a straight answer,. He would say that I’m clingy and that’s all he would say. 5 years seemed like it did nothing for him. And 2 months after the break up he has an interest in another girl but she is going back with her ex and he’s trying to get her attention. I did the no contact but I kept calling him, asking for an explaination on why he broke up with me and I was bawling my eyes out but he showed no emotion over the phone. I asked why he stayed with me for 5 years if I was clingy, and he said that he didn’t know, he just got use to it. So now he’s going out of town with his friends and the girl he likes is going to be there for 2 days. I always tried planning trips with him but he never wanted to go or he says he never has any money. I wrote him an angry text and tried calling him but he ignores my calls and texts. I get the hint that he doesn’t want to speak to me anymore. I plan on returning all the things he gave me. But what I don’t understand is why he would treat me like this if I was nothing but good to him?
dear lia,,
hope everything is right now but if still things are bothering you then i will suggest you not to do anything like that…. you should not return any gifts back to your ex…. instead give hem to charity that will be the best thing to reduce the burden of your emotions…. i did same and found more pleasure with that… see i believe that the first thing you have to believe that you are the precious gift of god and you have to take care of your self ….go visit places , fulfill your aspirations … make yourself a better person and useful to those who are less blessed children of god…. have a better life for your self… dont kill your self with any of guilt . you are still most beautiful child of almighty.. go and ask your parents if you are beautiful or not….
use your time to fullest and dont keep your mind in any wastefull thing……. go live your life gal…
Thank you. Yes, I’m doing really well right and I’m so proud of myself. I accomplished a lot since my breakup and I couldn’t be prouder. I realized that I didn’t like feeling so depressed and heart broken. I did something about it. I focused my attention to me losing weight and trying to hang out with friends. I felt so much better because I found my ambition again. I actually called my ex to thank him for breaking up with me. He was surprised to hear me say that. I guess he didn’t like that I wasn’t devoted to him anymore. And I haven’t talked to him in weeks and he calls me out of the blue and talks to me like we’re still together. I told him a few months ago he didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I told him I’m better off. And I didn’t hear from him
This helped me so so so much.. i really needed this.it obviously wasn’t love between me and my ex, because he said he didn’t have “feelings” for me anymore, even though a couple of days before he kept telling me how much he loved me.
Me and my ex had a falling out in Nov we didnt talk for a few days then she contacted me and told me that she might have cancer. I was immediately there for her because I care about her. She has 3 kids and I want my own but we made it work. Long story short we were still hanging together like normal. A few weeks ago we slept together and then the next night she told me that this guy that she went on a date with that she slept with him to the night after we did. I am so hurt by this but I know we cant be together cause I want my own family. I know we cant be together I am day 3 of NC and it sucks but I found this site and it has helped so much! I am trying to remember all the vindictive things she would do when we would argue facebook statuses and everything. One of my buddies said it takes 3 months to get my head right and I am counting down the days….
When my GF dumped me, i thought why now, we were talking yesterday and today it’s all over? I did not see the signs. This all happened after she moved interstate for work purposes. We used to stay in touch via Facetime but it was only possible to travel to see her once a month, which i did but i guess the urge of more intimate sex life, need of sex drove her to find someone who is always close to her. Last week she dumped me and in less than 3 days her facebook relationship status changed to “in a relationship” (with another man) of course and the man who met briefly when i visited her last time. When she dumped me she said its not you, it me. And i’m not seeing anyone, will stay single for ever. But when i saw her status changed, i went mad. I’m little clam now after finding this site but the anger and frustation has not gone yet. Do i feel i want her back, yes coz i feel her new partner will do exactly same to her what she did to me. It’s only been 2 days so i’m trying to change myself.
Is anyone on here doing the NC thing with an ex they have kids with? I was with my ex for 9 years all up married for 7 of those had a step son and then 2 children of our own our daughter 6 and son 21 months. We had been having problems the last couple of years. He shut me out and started talking to a female workmate about all our problems instead. To cut a long story short he left me for her but I suspect it started long before he actually shifted out. I was absolutely gutted and went through all the emotions it has been the worst 6 months of my life. He started having trouble with his new relationship and then came running back to me when he needed a friend. I even stopped seeing a new guy because he managed to get back in my head which I’m regretting now. He was being nasty saying I caused all the trouble in their relationship too & thats why he lost her. That hurt really bad and I decided enough was enough I’ve let him treat me like a doormat and to be honest I really don’t know why cos I know deep in my heart I never want to be with him again (and he never wants to be with me obviously) as he hurt me so bad and treated me so bad at the end yet I feel like I just can’t let go its driving me crazy. I started to do NC but its tricky with kids so sent the letter thing and just said only contact to be about kids stuff. All was good for a couple of weeks till my daughter said they’d been round to the other woman’s house in the weekend and I lost it. I broke NC was straight back on the phone and everything came back from 6 months ago like I had just found out about them again. I’m so disappointed in myself and have felt like crap the last few days. I’m so angry every time I have to see him and trying to discuss kids stuff at the moment is just ridiculous we just end up arguing. I still have some of his stuff here too and am trying to get him to take it all away so I don’t get reminded of it all the time and asking him to do it his replys are so cold, snappy and he always finds a way to blame me for something at the same time making me feel guilty as well. Anyone else have any tips on dealing with exs and doing NC I really need to make NC happen for me I’ve had enough of the hurting and pain..
Hi,
welcome me in the club. 3 days ago he left me…He is an alcoholic. The last time of drinking – 4 days long. We were fighting again about the drinking, i wanted him to stop. And the he said it – “May be you are right – i am not exited about you and i am not in love,its better we separate. “We live together,since 10 months, we were in love, happy, he told me about his problem,but said – i will control it, come live with me, i want children,home,evr with you. I moved to him. AFter he told me he want to break up i went out and came back later to take some stuff from home. he was drunk, but sad “i will not change my desicion. I just dont feel it, i never had, i was just imagining it, all the time was a big lie. I cant live in that lie anymore,i should have told you earlier. You dont diserve this, you are the most important person in my life and dont want to hurt you any more.” And stuff like that,a bit confusing stuff – he was drunk. I took some clothes, the cat,said goodbuy and left.Then he calld, asked how i feel ,said he will beginn a treatment in clinik for 1 month= i said i am ok.Buy. Today he wrote me he want to see me, that he is sorry about evr and dont want that we stay with this bitter taste from that night. i didnt answer. he wrote – ok, u dont want to hear from me, but if you need, call me plese. SO! I love him, i am in love, its a shock, yes we had problems, but is the alcohol and not what he said. Yes, he was not exited about me, but with the alkohol he cant be exited about anything at all. I dont know what to do. we have a work to do 2 times in month and see eachother. I have to find a job, new home and move my stuff out of his app. Waht do you suggest.??I am totally devastated, i really think this is the manq he also know , we are so close to each other. But he is not into me anymore. We had great sexlife,bothsides,evr accept the alkohol was right, i think. Please help me find out !
Thank you so much for you help!
Hi Everyone,
My exfiance and i have been dating for 12 years. Just 8 months ago (10 months before our wedding), I found out that he went away, when i was in cuba, with a girl he met on plenty of fish. When I confronted him, he said he needed to reach out to a random stranger to talk about our problems because he was afraid to tell me and hurt me. he also didn’t want to speak to any of his friends or mine because he was afraid that they were going to judge. He begged me to forgive him, so i did. However, two weeks later, I found this girl hiding in his mom’s bathroom. He yelled at me for being there that night, and told me to grab my wedding dress and leave. He said the wedding’s over. He embarrassed me infront of this girl who he met on plenty of fish. We are no longer together, however we are still in contact. During the last 8 months, he has lied about being at this girl’s house. I caught him numerous times there esp at midnight on weekdays, but to this day..he persists that they are just friends and only friends. He won’t let me sell my ring and he continues to ask for space from me. He said he doesn’t know what he wants and that he is confused. He mentioned that he might need to date around, but he’s not sure. it hurts me a lot. What should I do? He was going to be my husband in two months.
Hi
Ella
I know exactly what you’re going through its hard when you think about the fact that they allow us to continue arranging a wedding knowing that they are busy cheating on you .Its like they feel nothing to humiliate you .My wedding was off and i still didn’t know he was cheating he asked me for space to short out his life but little did i know he wanted me and her in his life and if things don’t work out they know they have a safe place to fall back on.They don’t want to marry us but they also don’t want to let us go .My ex fiance told me that he will still visit me and my daughter a lot .After 8 years he wants space ,and wants only to be a visitor they wasted our time we could have been happy with someone else i don’t regret having my daughter but all your time and sacrifices for this person went to waste and in the end they abused the love that you have for them but i also believe that what goes around comes around and both of them that hurts us will get there day wont be now but someday when they don’t even matter to us anymore
Ella… I’m on this site because I was holding on to a guy who was angry from the start (a huge red flag), obviously not over his ex of ten years (a huge red flag), but I stayed with him (only 8 months) because I was lonely and felt like I need someone (my own red flag). I stayed with him of course until he used a crazy excuse to end things and say that he wanted to just be friends this January.
I went on-line, looked at all the get your ex back websites (I do not recommend this) and contacted him. We got back together… But I realized in the short week that we reconcilled (this past week) that it was never about him, but about me having some issues I needed to deal with centered around not being alone and feeling like I have to make someone love me. I called it off and I’m going NO CONTACT. I realized that I was NEVER going to get the type of relationship I wanted from this person.
I’m bringing this up to say that I truly believe that for you to contemplate what you should do in this situation speaks volumes as to where your self esteem is right at this very moment. Its in the toilet. Being in this situation will only make you feel even more inadequate and will make you begin to question your self-worth. He has made a CHOICE not to be with you. Understand this, and believe that he made that choice because he WANTED to… PLEASE move on!
Don’t concern yourself with him and this other woman. What they do doesn’t concern you… its all about Ella right now. And Ella deserves to find someone who is willing to make the CHOICE to be with you and only you. You dated someone who was willing to go to the altar, and you’ll find someone else willing to do it again. But this time… they will truly want to. Start No Contact today… Stay on this site for advice and support!!!
Take care
Eddie, I’d like to thank you for creating this website and turning your pain into your purpose! I feel empowered through the wisdom shared here to take steps that will be self serving in my breakup, to grow from this and heal.
It has almost been a month since he broke up with me. We were together for 4 years. I NEVER thought he would ever leave me. No one did. It happened very suddenly and unexpectedly, however, looking back there were signs. He became more distant over the past few months; would sleep-in, take additional shifts at work, started drinking more and playing video games a lot – anything to avoid spending quality time with me, it seemed. I brushed it off as a phase that would pass. He use to take pride in me being his girlfriend and wanted me to do almost everything with him. The last 2 months he stopped inviting me out. Though he constantly told me he loved me, adored me, would die without me, wanted to marry me, posted ‘I fall more in love with you every day’ on facebook only a week before the breakup, etc., they were just words. Most likely said out of habit. Maybe he was trying to feel the things he said but it didn’t work? I just wished he would have talked to me about his feelings of wanting to leave, or falling out of love.
So he came home from work one evening, broke up with me and left. I am 29, he is 27. He has never lived on his own and says he just wants to see what it’s like. That it’s not me, he’s not interested in anyone else, he just simply wants to know what it’s like to live on his own before he settles down. He lived with his parents in college and went from their house to moving in with me. When I read 10 things a breakee doesn’t want to hear’ it really hit home and I wished he would have read those before the breakup. He feels bad for breaking my heart so he says things like ‘I’m still in love with you, I’m just doing this for me’ ‘I know in my heart we’ll be back together one day’ ‘I was happy enough with you but maybe there is more out there’ ‘You’re too good for me and deserve better’ ‘You’re not happy and the only way you’ll find happiness is if I let you go’ ‘One day you’ll look back and see I’m doing this because I love you’. BS! Boy do those words hurt.
My dilemma now is, we still live together. Our lease is up in 5 months and neither of us are in a place financially where we can just up and move out right away. He’s been staying with friends most of the time because it’s uncomfortable here. He still texts me that he misses me and loves me but I don’t respond. I’m trying to do the no-contact as best I can so I can move on. It’s hard because when I’m home I hold this hope that he’ll walk through the door. I miss him. At the same time I don’t want him to be here because that hurts even more. I don’t know how to act when he’s here. He talks to me like I’m his pal and nothing is wrong. How do I handle this situation? After reading through dozens of these posts and articles I figure I will do my best to keep NC, focus on making myself happy – maybe even tell him that I need him to only talk to me if it’s about the household. No small talk or jokes. We still haven’t changed our facebook statuses, unfriended each other, or even told most of our friends. I’m having a hard time accepting the person who I thought would always be there is gone…. How do I move on when he’s still around?
Ouch…I understand all of that too well. That hope you have that he’ll walk through that door, it only makes it hurt so much more when he does walk in and things aren’t what they used to be right? But that damn hope is still there the next time… And the fact that they did say all those “I love you’s” and “I want us to have a family” make it hurt so much more because it’s all you can think about, how did things change SO much from one moment to the next? Ugh and the breakup lines about it being for our own good and that we deserve better, that’s the WORSE part, because really between the lines they are telling us “I WANT you to move on so I don’t feel so guilty for leaving you” and if they were really in love with us, the thought of us with anyone else should be too painful to put into words…It’s also a way of keeping you around by baiting you with some “hope” in case things don’t go as they planned and they need to come back.
I think the first thing you need to do is change your facebook status and block him. Trust me, it will hurt so much more when he beats you to the punch and does it himself. It’s also beginning the process of accepting that it’s over. Plus, when he starts posting on other girls’ pictures/pages or they start posting on his, it’s only going to hurt you all over again. Don’t give him the pleasure of breaking your heart a second time, facebook is the devil after a breakup. Also, I’m sure that after that many years together, you have a lot of friends and family in common, accept that you’re going to need to lose some of them. My 20+ circle of “close” friends is now a triangle of 3 and it’s not easy or as much fun, but anyone who is bringing the ex up, inviting them around, or even someone who has them all over their facebook (comments pictures etc), isn’t going to be very helpful at this point, what you need is distance. I know it’s kind of impossible with your living situation but you need to start distancing yourself as much as possible…it’ll make it easier for when he moves out too, it wont feel like as much of a shock. t’s not going to be easy, 2 months later I still start crying randomly at work or on my drive home..on jogs or hikes, and I feel that if he comes back at any moment, I’d probably take him back 🙁 (even though he’s moved on with his ex before me). But really, the sooner you start the healing process, the sooner you heal right? At least I hope so…good luck!
Thank you for sympathizing and taking the time to respond. I really do need to block him on fb. Though I changed the relationship status, he’s still my ‘friend’. You mentioned that your ex got back with his ex. I’m really sorry. I know that has to be hard but trust there is someone netter for you out there! One reason I know it’s time to block my ex on fb is he just friended his ex before me and they’ve been flirting back and forth. I’m torturing myself looking at their communications. Facebook is the devil in these cases! The thing is, I think I’m doing just fine then I stumble upon something like that and it hits me all over again. I’d lose it for a good week if they got back together. And here I sit so angry!! Angry he left. Angry he didn’t give us a chance to work on things. Angry he is still trying to string me along with his ‘i miss you’ texts. (which I ignore / NC)
I’ve found that I just have to focus on keeping myself happy, loving myself, doing things I love, doing things that make me feel good about myself (exercising, eating well, new clothes, flirting, hanging with friends and family). I hope you’re doing the same.
I also know that I wouldnt take him back at this point. I miss him, but things will never be the same and i don’t want him back. And even that makes me angry! The fact that he disrespected me and our relationship to the point where I couldn’t possibly take him back. Ugh. I love myself too much to accept someone who left the way he did.
Hi,
My name is Jonathan.
I found this website recently and it has been a great help
and inspiration to me.
I am in serious emotional trouble. Here is my story.
I am 41 and have 2 young children. 18 months ago, my
marriage spectacularly failed (she cheated and left for the other guy). I
retained 50 custody of my children.
Then, 8 months ago, I met a wonderful girl. Everything with
her was amazing. We made lifelong plans for the future. I could not believe how
happy I was with her, after what I had been through after my marriage. I got
over my marriage quickly because it turned out to be such a relief not to be
with my wife any more after what she did.
But, this new relationship only lasted 4 months. I could not
believe it ended. I was totally shocked. Over 4 months later, I am still going
through extreme heartache. I cannot forget about her and think about her all
the time and lay awake at night.
The good news, is since it ended, I did not beg and
humiliate myself and make things toxic. I did write 2 or 3 emails / letters
telling her how much I loved her and that it was senseless to end it because we
were in love.
The other good news is that since then, I am over 90 days in
NO CONTACT. Even though, every day, I am dying to contact her. She lives
locally, and I do bump into her from time to time, and just smile or say Hi in
passing.
I think all the time about deliberately bumping into her and
having a conversation. But I believe I will not do that. Mainly because it
would upset me, I can’t handle seeing her if I am not “with” her. Also, I do
not want her to hate me, and think it would turn things toxic if I brought up
the past. She has moved on. I would not do that to her.
The bad news for me is that I never got closure. But as time
has gone by, I understand more and more about what happened.
When we had our first date (and subsequently), she went on
and on about her ex who cheated on her (I consoled her but did not see it as a
red flag at the time). She was very insecure. I don’t mind looking after an
insecure person, but I do not expect them to damage the relationship over it.
She told me that she loved me after only 2 weeks of dating,
and we planned a future from then as well.
Looking back at that, it was a huge crazy red flag! Who does
that so soon? She initiated that and I followed because it felt natural.
A couple of months into the relationship, she was going
through a great deal of conflict with her ex (property settlement, and her ex
cheated with the wife of her best friend and she felt really guilty).
From then on, this was the dominant subject, until she said
to me that “she loves me so much” and I am “so gorgeous” , but she is still hurt
over her ex and she needs “some time alone to heal” and that I should not give
up on her yet. She said it was nothing that I done. (I should have seen those
as red flags” but I didn’t at the time.
SO, after 4 months together, we agreed some time apart for 4
weeks while her parents were visiting from overseas. During that time, she had
me come over for dinner with her parents, and she said afterwards that her mum
loves me. So, I thought our time apart would come to an end soon, and we would
be back together.
During our time apart, I sent her some love letters and
quotes. She liked them, but then said in a text message “It makes me sad that I
can’t be everything you want me to be, I wish I felt exactly the same as you,
then everything would be perfect” . At the time, I thought she was saying that
she was sad because of her ex. And was not specifically talking about us.
Much later on, months after our split, I suddenly realised
she was trying to gently push me away without dumping me, hoping that I would
leave myself. I never saw that red flag at the time.
Then the day her parents left, she sent me an email to say
that “I was not ready for a relationship” (total opposite of the truth” , “that
made her miss her ex” and “she does not love me any more” .
I was totally shocked. Before, she told me she loved me so
much several times a day and how much she was attracted to me.
It took me a while to digest then 2 weeks later I sent her a
letter asking for clarification.
She then said that “she had many doubts about me, felt very
uncertain about us, and during our time apart, realised she did not love me any
more” . I was even more shocked, especially as when we got together, she said we
must always be open and honest and communicate with each other all the time.
She said some other stuff like we were different people who
wanted different things. That was a total surprise to me as she had never
referred to that before.
She had always told me that she was feeling the way she was
because of her ex, not me. And I tried my best to help her through it.
Then a few weeks after our split, she told me that she was
with someone else. I simply could not believe it, but it was actually a RELIEF
for me, because I decided to contact her no more and leave it there.
That was over 3 months ago. Ever since, I have been so
confused because I have had no closure.
Did she rush into a relationship with me so soon after her
last one (she thought her last one was the love of her life)? Yes she did?
Did she have time to heal from that? NO, she didn’t?
Did she mean it all the times she said she loved me? I
believe she did, and I think she did. But I think she might have later realised
she was confused and didn’t truly love me?
She must have been very attracted to me because she told me
I was so gorgeous and attractive all the time, and she loved the way I was with
her/
Why did she dump me? Was it because of the hurt from her ex?
Was it because she realised she rushed into being with me because she was
scared of being alone and realised she was not truly in love? Was it because of
complications (children on both sides)?
I think maybe she was subconsciously using me to try and
feel like she was with her ex and not feel alone.
I still don’t know, and it kills me.
She has moved on, I don’t know if she is happy or not. And
the whole thing makes no sense to me.
I know I have to move on. I am 41. I am not in a desperate
rush, but I want to settle down when I am still young. I obviously have had her
on a huge pedestal. I can’t “fall out of love with her” . I fear it might
totally destroy me.
I would so anything to have those questions answered.
I did everything I could to keep her.
Since the split, I have realised more her “bad” (if you can
call it that), her insecurities, her hurt, etc and that maybe a relationship
was impossible because of that.
But I blame myself a lot. What if I had done this, said
that? Could I have changed the outcome?
She knows how much I loved her. And I suppose I need to
acknowledge that if she did truly love me, she would be here now, no matter
what other problems. But she isn’t.
I have done the no contact for 90 days, and that will
remain. But I do bump into her often as she lives locally, although we only say
Hi! Or smile. I would never ignore, that is unnecessary.
I just can’t get her out of my head. I know it is over and
have accepted it, and understand it more now.
But I can’t forget her. It is crazy (I was only with her for
4 months). Whereas my ten year marriage, I got over quickly.
I am so upset, I just don’t know how to move on. I do try, I
keep myself busy, work hard, focus on my children, and concentrate on myself, but
it just is not working.
My thoughts are always totally consumed with her.
If I truly love someone, and I think I did truly love her,
then I will “love” her forever. That is the kind of person I am. I don’t say I
love you to many people, and when I say it I really mean it.
I have had a lot of counselling, and some good friends have
given me very good advice, but it has done little for me.
HELP! Has anyone else been through this and come out happy
the other side?
I still feel so bad, and that I will never be happy or be in
love with anyone ever again.
Jonathan
Jonathan,
Your story had me captive from start to finish. It is eerily similar to mine. I will tell you bit of my story and tell you where I am and how I got here and maybe some advice along the way. Not sure where you are emotionally as you posted your story a few weeks ago.
At the time I was 43, now 44. My wife had recently come to me asking for a divorce. While the marriage was a disaster, I was still devastated. I figured the easiest way to eliminate the pain was to start dating….so I turned to online dating. 6 months in I was about to give up but I met a girl who was going through the SAME thing I was going through….a perfect match (red flag I didnt see). She too was fresh out of her marriage and going though divorce and left because her husband had cheated on her.
But as they say, like attracts like. After a few dates we decided to take our profiles down and commit to eachother. She was needy and I was there to comfort her. It felt good. We shared “I Love you’s” not long after we decided to commit. She had talked about plans of me meeting her kids, me moving in and us moving in (another red flag)
BUT about 2 months in I guess I got a little complacent and said and did things that were not right. I was still chasing my ex-wife. We continued this relationship for nearly 14 months. We tried to break it off several times and I knew it was the right thing to do but apparently I too was needy but I never saw it. After too much of my taking the relationship for granted she had had enough and broke it off. I was devastated and in shock. I never saw it coming but she had had enough. Over time she had found strength much to my not seeing her getting stronger. She was done trying, done breaking up and getting back together, done with me chasing my ex wife.
Unlike you I chased her and made a fool of myself. But what I came to realize was that I was over my ex wife. I was now chasing the “newest” girl who decided to leave me. I did all the things they say not to do. I facebook stalked her and that made things worse. I was so consumed with her that I asked her if she was dating someone else already. She said she was. Whether she was or not, she wanted me to think that so I would leave her alone. A question I should have never asked. Why should I care if we both need to move on. My pride was shot. She got to a point where she wouldnt even talk to me and to this day, she doesnt. We live far enough away that I dont bump into her.
It has now been 6 and a half months. I was stuck in the mode that she would eventually come back. Then I started doing a lot of reading. I realized that she was a rebound relationship. The emotions were running strong because we both were needy and I have realized that those emotions were not entirely real. I thought I really did love her. I idealized and romanticized her and like you I put her on this pedistal. Then I stopped. I stopped contacting her, took myself off facebook and stopped doing the online dating thing.I decided that this would be the year for me. I realized that I had to WANT to change these feelings. I started going to the gym, took up some things I have been wanting to do for me like Taekwondo and guitar and made time for friends. I figure when love is meant to come my way it will naturally, not in a forced way.
Bottom line is she was not right for me and I am starting to get to the point where I truly believe that. I now know that I “settled” when I decided that she would be the first real relationship after my divorce. And the biggest thing that came out of all of this was that I never really took the time to grieve the end of my marriage which magnified those feelings once the rebound relationship ended. I am still not out of the woods yet, I have some good days and bad days but I made the commitment to make a better, happier life for me and not let the last girl control my happiness.
So, I think this girl was a rebound for you as you were for her. The reason you have these deep emotions are not due to her, they are due to the fact that you need to take some time to figure out what emotions still exist from the end of your marriage. Take some time for you and do things that make YOU feel good. The strong emotions will eventually pass, they say time heals all, but you have to WANT it to pass so you can move on and find the person who is right for you.
Hang in there, it will get better.
Hi Everyone…
New to this site! My break-up is incredibly fresh… two days old. And as I was looking around the internet for supportive sites, I found this one.
My Ex of 3 years told me he didn’t want a future with me anymore (mind you, we had just started looking for apartments together). I’m totally blindsided… I truly thought we were finally moving forward. He’s about to be 36 and still lives at home. We’ve been together long enough, and I thought we were in the right place to be moving on together. Apparently I was wrong.
So far, I can tell that this won’t be easy. I’ve had a lot of the same questions as everyone else. What happened? What did I do wrong? Why doesn’t he love me anymore? Why hasn’t he called? But at the end of the day, he checked out mentally a long time ago. And it’s time for me to work on ME. And as hard as it will be to work on NC, I know it’s the right thing to do. I’m looking forward to the emails and support from other people who are going through the same thing and who understand how hard it can be. Especially when it seems so easy for the Ex. Warmest wishes for everyone else going through the same thing. As my mom always says… there’s a lid for every pot!
First time here and really like what Im reading. Ive tried everything to get her back and came close a few times. We have two children so I was ready to go very low to be with them. Im hurting but after reading here im glad i havenet susseeded cause it would not have worked. I was going to be a doormat for her so i could be with my kids. dont get me wrong i love her and she is a great mother its just that i gave all my power away. but guess what, since she didnt take me back i still have my power. No contact (to the extent it can be applied when you have kids) applies from today. I sent her an email saying I accept her decision and i feel it wouldnt have worked anyway and that I want to see the kids and not her for some time (unspecified) and this was not meant to hurt and if it did it was only a reflection of my own hurt and that maybe i can be her friend one day but right now i need to be strong for my boys and I.
This is the least needy I have been for some time. It is useless however if I dont keep u no contact. My plan is to phone the boys most days ansd speak t them only. I will not go in to the house when i call on weekends. (i live in another city) and I will not stay in the house and will take the boys for sundays and only overnight in hotel on occasion. its gonna be hard and a change for the kids but i cant be any use to them if i have to be around her and start getting needy and weak again. Thanks man for showing me the light. If I get her back it will be for a 50 50 realtionship. if i dont i will be in better shape for my boys and I. i will come back here when i need to fight the urge to conatct her or change my mind.
Sounds like a good plan!
Keeping your power to yourself is really the key and it is doable, even if your Ex is still around because you are co-workers or have kids together,
Hang in there Don!
I am on 20 days NC. I failed last Christmas when I sent him a season’s greetings only to be ignored. Ouch. But I know things will get better for me. Thanks for this site. I keep coming here whenever I am tempted to contact him. Although I am not sure if he still uses the same number granting he already deleted his email account [double ouch!] but still will not contact, it might go through! It is hard but I know one day I shall come out a winner! This pain is just ‘temporary’. This, too, shall pass.
Your advice is amazing it really does help alot but there are differences in my relationship. I need help and advice. Its a long story so im just gonna start from the beginning. Im in high school for starters, so shortly after freshman year started I met a girl and we started talking for a few months, then eventually I asked her to be my girlfriend(She is my first and only girlfriend I’ve ever had) the first few months were kind of awkward but eventually we became with eachother and eventually fell in love. Things were great for a time but then she started being mean all the time and told me she never actually loved me to begin with. We were both new to all this. But i couldn’t leave her because i loved her so much. We kept dating for another year and had alot of ups and downs. We were very close and started getting intimate. But shortly after she just stopped caring for me altogether and told me she was gonna leave me but i begged her many times to stay and she did. For a while. But finally she broke it off and broke my heart at the end of my sophomore year. I suffered the whole summer and didnt want to move on. But now im a junior. When the school year first started she wanted me back and was all of the sudden crazy for me. she had never acted like this before. I had finally moved on and didnt want her any more. But she kept asking for a second chance and i gave in. We went on a date and kissed. We started dating again and i fell back in love with her. Our relationship was stronger than ever and i was happy. But after a time i realized i didnt feel as good as i did when the year started when she wanted me but i didnt want her. I felt like I had thrown away all the progress I made when I moved on and got over her. So without warning I broke up with her through text. I felt it was the best way to keep her from suffering for so long like I did. I told her we shouldn’t talk any more for a while. After about two weeks of no contact I felt fine, then a friend told me about a picture on instagram he saw of her and some guy I knew. My heart sank. So my curiousity got the better of me and I looked at the picture and found a few more. It broke my heart and all of the feelings came back. But I didnt text her, I kept cool and tried to move on from it. But I couldn’t get it off my mind. Then a week later she called me from a private number and we talked for a long time. About everything that happened. But my feelings never went away. Its been about a month since then and I still feel the guilt of what I did to her. I wanted her back. I still want her back. So tonight o told her she could trust me and that I would never hurt her like that again. But she doesn’t trust me. Then her new boy texted me and said I need to leave her alone. That was tonight, I feel like crap. But I know I need to let her go to make her happy. I want to move on but I cant, because im the one that broke up with her and now I want her back but it’s no going to happen. Please help me.
I am trying to fall out of love with someone who hurts me. He says he loves me but what he has to give is not enough for me and I feel like I am constantly forcing him to be with me. I’ve tried breaking up with him and then begging him to take me back and he has all the time. I feel like it’s my fault and I’m pushing him away becuase I’m a needy, moody, clingy monster girlfriend.
I am not happy with myself in this relationship and I do so want to be. He is away at the moment visiting his family and has been away for the past 3 months. But he doesn’t make time to call me and feels awkward talking to me on the phone in front of his family. But he sends me lovely emails sometimes which sets me back and keeps me in love with him.
I’ve tried being patient but feel like he doesn’t have the need to talk to me like I need to talk him and end up feeling crappy about myself for being so desparate. Then I call him like a crazed person accusing him of not loving me when I know I shouldn’t and I am just embarrasing myself. It’s just too much for me to bear. My mind is consumed by him and I have to study for an exam which I am finding so hard to do! Knowing that he is out having a good time not thinking about me while I am studying (though thinking about him every 5 mins) eats me up.
I don’t feel appreciated, I feel like I love him more than he does me and that feeling sucks. Though reading all these posts help I just can’t seem to help myself…
As I walked away from my ex, I said, “How do you tell someone one day ‘I love you’ and the next, they say ‘it’s over’?”. She replied, “There’s different kinds of love”. I believe this to be true that there are different types of love, some more significant and some less so. In a relationship, a lover’s love is the one that fills you the most, but after challenges, it can fade. Do I love my ex? I do and a part of me always will and I know that she also has that kind of love for me and always will. The key is, even if it’s altered, Love is still Love. Be happy that it happened and if you can walk away learning anything, it is a win on your account and that’s not a bad thing. I’m no stranger to being the one left in love, but I can change how I handle it. You have to look at it that way: Attitude is everything. Don’t give up hope. Time may not completely heal it, but that’s part of the life experience. Walk tall. Love can come more than once.
I am back here to tell everyone that things will get better, but as Eddie’s DETOX system says, you need to WANT to get better. It won’t happen with time. You have to want it. You have to want to move on. Once you do that, the road is much easier.
My ex-fiancee ended our engagement a month before our wedding. I was devastated and didn’t know what to do. I found this site and started reading the newsletters. Then, I went away for 3 weeks and I had plenty of time to think about everything. A lot of good things happened on the trip but the main thing that happened was that I realized that I couldn’t go back. That I had to detox myself and then make a decision. It was no surprise that after 60 days of NC, I didn’t want my ex back.
It’s been a little over 4 months. It doesn’t hurt anymore. Sometimes I remember certain things but the memory fades away quickly. I took on a few new hobbies including Scuba Diving. I also booked trips to places I’ve never been to. I recently signed up for Online Dating and I have met a few people already. Good people. Now, I don’t recommend this unless you are ready. If you are not, it will set you back. I am now dating a great girl who is mature and knows exactly what she wants. NO one knows what will happen but I can tell you that I am very happy today. Happier than I was with my EX. Life turned around for me and I am super happy whether I am with someone or not. The funny thing is that going through this break up made me realize what a catch I am. And you know what? I shouldn’t be begging anyone to be with me. The goal is to achieve emotional independence. There’s many people out there. Stay strong.
I came back to the site to thank Eddie and everyone else who is suffering in here. Believe me, it will get better, but you have to want to get better. Eddie’s DETOX system was the one thing that made the difference. His newsletters are great but the DETOX book has some things in there that will hit you like a 3 lbs. hammer. But those things will open your eyes.
Thanks Eddie. It would have never been possible without you and the people on this site.
It’s early morning and I find myself again reading this site. I am going through a very difficult break up (I’m 45 female) and at my age, it seems to be more of a feeling of “why can I never make a relationship work forever?” I am following guidelines from books/sites such as: NC, listing pros & cons of all my ex boyfriends/husbands, journaling and doing things for myself. I am certainly a “fix-everyone/everything” personality and when I feel failing, it hits me hard. I am a type A personality, very structured, demanding but also physical, fun-loving, funny & kind which is what attracted me to him (we will call him “LOTR” for fun). So…I guess I am asking more for support than anything else. Again this past weekend, I used an iPhone issue to inbox him to ask a question. He answered quickly and honestly (IT Mgr @ work-may feel as if it’s part of his job) but instead of me keeping it business, I had to throw in a “I miss you”. He ignored it, like usual and I felt like a teenage-chasing-freak once again! I get so mad when I contact him, knowing he is going to ignore me. This is a 180 degree change from when we first met. We were both married (yea, another issue), working together on a project, I was the funny accountant – he the smart, quiet IT Mgr…we hit it off instantly. So, after 3 years, 2 divorces, 3 home moves, 2 children moving all over the South/ 1 grandchild sleeping over almost every weekend (me), ex-wife/ex-husband causing much trouble and work, work, work (I’m a work-a-holic and he hated it). Each time I got upset over 1 of the many relationship issues, I would suggest I move into my own house (since neither of us had time to heal after the divorces) but I wanted to “stay together as a couple”. He never agreed; last time I got my feelings hurt I said it again, HE instantly replied “it’s over…I’m sick of hearing you want your own place”…I tried to talk to him (via text, he wouldn’t talk…he’s a nerd anyway so texting was normal) I finally give in and move the next week, he HAS never spoke to me again. It’s been 3 months. Please, please email me the response….I can not find my posts on this blog…don’t know the issue. missladybug67@gmaill.com…Thanks Eddie – from Tess@TN.
i am going through this heart-broken phase.. not exactly heart-broken, because i was the one, who left her, but of the above mentioned facts and i totally felt out of love with her.. but still i miss her.. i feel that there’s something incomplete in my life.. what should i do???