Anyone who has been through a tough breakup, and finally come to the realization that the only way to heal is by following the no-contact rule, have eventually come to a point where they feel trapped.
The missing, the need to see, talk, and feel your Ex again can seem so unbearable. How easy would it be to get a glimpse of the “real thing” – a peek into their actual life – by searching through their pages in Facebook, Myspace and all those social gathering places?
A new photo of him/her, what s/he has done during the weekend, if s/he still misses you – all of that seems just one click away.
But would it make you feel better?
Not for a minute, I guarantee you that.
I've done it myself many years ago.
I couldn't bear it anymore. All I wanted to see was an actual picture of her, how she looked like at that time, nothing more.
I was just curious.
But we all know that curiosity killed the cat.
I did some intense searching, (there wasn't Facebook or Myspace back then), and I finally found a little more than I had bargained for.
I found a picture of her and her new guy.
Now this is something that can destroy you in the beginning. I found myself thrown right back to the bottom of my recovery journey, with all its symptoms: panic attacks, deep despair and depression.
I took me 2 weeks to get out of that. And for what? For a short glimpse into her life?
The price was much too high.
Never ever do something like that. It's really NOT worth it. There is absolutely nothing you can gain. Nothing, believe me.
Now, IF you have decided to follow the no-contact rule, here are two things I really recommend you to do. It’s for your own sake.
1. Block Your Ex In Facebook
Facebook gives you very good help with the topic of blocking unwanted people.
Basically, everything you need to do is:
- go to your Ex's profile page
- navigate to the bottom of the page
- click on “Report/Block this person” link
- check “Block this person” and then hit “Submit.”
That's it. Your Ex will not be able to look into your pages and most importantly, YOU will not be able to follow your Ex's updates.
Your Ex will not be notified that you blocked her/him, but if s/he found out and contacted you regarding this, don't feel guilty. You are doing this because you've decided that you want to take your life and happiness into your own hands. You are doing this because YOU are the most important person in your life right now.
One important thing to know is that your Ex can still appear in mutual friends updates, so I recommend that you block them as well. You can still “unblock” them later when you feel better.
2. Restrict Access To Facebook
There is a computer-geek-way to block certain pages completely from access on your own computer. It's not difficult to do and I really recommend it for no-contact.
By doing this, you will not be able to visit Facebook or the pages where you can find current information on your Ex.
It's a little radical, but it's better to not trust yourself.
Here's how you do it:
- Find the hosts-file on your computer
- Append the following code and the bottom of the hosts-file:
The hosts-file is located at (depending on your operating system):
Windows XP, Vista and Windows 7
C:\WINDOWS\system32\drivers\etc\hosts
Windows 2000
C:\WINNT\system32\drivers\etc\hosts
Windows 98/ME
C:\WINDOWS\hosts
# Block Facebook
127.0.0.1 www.facebook.com
127.0.0.1 facebook.com
127.0.0.1 static.ak.fbcdn.net
127.0.0.1 www.static.ak.fbcdn.net
127.0.0.1 login.facebook.com
127.0.0.1 www.login.facebook.com
127.0.0.1 fbcdn.net
127.0.0.1 www.fbcdn.net
127.0.0.1 fbcdn.com
127.0.0.1 www.fbcdn.com
127.0.0.1 static.ak.connect.facebook.com
127.0.0.1 www.static.ak.connect.facebook.com
You can follow the excellent step-by-step instruction explained here.
For the Mac it’s the exact thing, except that the location of the hosts-file is a little more complicated.
Here’s a good instruction for Macs.
You can add all the URLs you want, like Facebook, their Twitter page, etc.
If you are not a computer-geek, ask a friend to do it for you. This is in any case the preferable way, because then it is harder for you to reverse the process.
I urge you to make these changes as soon as possible, because I know it's a sore temptation to check on your Ex. You will gain nothing by doing so, it will NOT ease your pain or help you to stop missing them. This is an illusion. It will only bring you suffering.
I promise you that you will win so much if you stick to the no-contact rule. You will gain independence, strength and the certainty that YOU can make your own happiness.
Isn't that worth enough to kiss Facebook goodbye for a few months?
Do you know a better method for keeping yourself from computer-stalking your Ex? Have I missed something? Please share in the comment-section below.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
I hate that allot of us on here are still hurting regarding past lives, but I am glad to know that I’m not the only one (in a really screwed up way). My ex lied, manipulated me, used me and cheated on me for the better part of a year. Then, when I started having issues of my own, that’s when he headed for the hills and said that we should go on a “break” . Of course that was a crock, he had actually broken up with me and I just didn’t realize it. For the last 3 months I have continued to check on FB, see who he is interacting with and become somebody that I’m not in order to keep a piece of him in my life. I despise still being in love with a boy (he’s 48, but refuses to accept that fact) that did me wrong like that and no longer even acknowledges that I exist. It feels like the stupidest thing I could do is still hang onto him. Seeing these all helped. I pray that I will be able to move on quicker and let go of that chapter of my life completely.
I actually am going off of fb for awhile that is also an option. It is really a time waster for me anyway. It isn’t that I am the one stalking him. He is asking a mutual friend about me etc. I am married and he needs to get that thru his head. So adios.
My baby s father left us. He hasn’t called or texted in a week . O usually begging him back but I won’t this time I’m done . I just won’t to know why he keeps my picture and tags and posts on his Facebook . ? He left me
The urge is terrible. I just want to know what she is up to and where she is hanging out and with whom..all the time. It makes me crazy and worsens the pain. I know that I am hurting myself more than I should. I just kept picking at my wound.
With the new facebook feature, I just unfollowed her so I can’t see any updates from her. It was not an ugly break up and I don’t want to block her. I know I have to go on facebook less, so I don’t get any chance to feed the urge. Deleted the fb app on my phone too.
I miss her terribly everyday. But I know I have to take care of myself now and going no contact IS the best way. It hurts so much. But I’ll try.
Stalking your ex online is not cool. It made me into something I wasn’t. Some creepy psycho. It horrid but deleting your Xmas out of your life is the only way. Even if you have unfriended each other on facebook put them on block. You won’t see them pop up anywhere. Delete their number. Don’t stalk them on other sites. I know I did and felt even more stupid and ended up suicidal. Take time out and do different stuff. Take time away from the dating game. If it’s too hard enroll in some councling/ life coaching. It will help you recover.
Yesterday, remembering how blocking and cutting every tie possible after the previous break up (it took me over half a year to do it eventually)…this time I did it one week after I was dumped by the love of my life.
He broke up with me and unfortunately that was my fault…I did understood mistakes I made. I took the whole responsibility on myself. But “living” daily with the awarness what went wrong and that I screwed up totally this time and checking almost each minutes if he’s online was far too much to me. I tried to get him back but not succeeded on it, too much was already broken. So I finally wrote to him a long message about all I had understood and realised about mistakes made and blocked him at all.
Removed all photos and posts on FB related to him in any way…deleted them from my cell phone…all music that bring memories (basically – all)…blocked him on Skype…on gmail…changed the adress on my documents everywhere I could (still need to go the bank and to the mobile operator shop)…
I just felt that I will never be able at least start to do tiny steps forward if I would not do it. And will “live” only looking at that small green dot on FB. I felt…somehow freed after that. A bit. So it is important to block …our…beloved…ones…and…move…;-(
I do not know if that page and Eddie’s course is also for people like me (guilty of destroying the relationship because of their unresolved issues from the past)…or just for innocent ones who were left so out of the blue…?
That’s the 1st day of no contact…I feel so deeply depressed.
This article hits home with me. I am on Day 2 of NC. It is a tough road. I was with my lover for 1 1/2 years, and the last two months he kept pulling away, saying he didn’t want to talk to me every day, or he didn’t want to text every day anymore, etc. Then he started getting mean, and saying things to intentionally hurt me. Right about that time, I saw he added on a woman who looked like me on FB, and he was commenting and liking all of her statuses, while ignoring mine completely.
When I confronted him about it, and asked him to be completely honest with me as to what was happening with us, he stormed out of the restaurant, told me to lose his number and that we were over.
I did not contact him for 11 days, then we ran into each other. He said he would like to be friends, nothing more, and still very much pursuing this other woman on FB. It kills me to see when he comments and likes her pictures.
As painful as this all is, I don’t know if I should delete him on FB or not. When he stormed out on me that day, he deleted me, but then he friend requested me again, and I accepted.
I don’t know what to do. I want to get through this and see if we can at least be friends, but I am hurting at this point. I feel as though if I delete him, i will appear immature. Are there any readers who have been where I am that can give me advice? I would love any suggestions.
P.S. He is 61, and I am 45. We are not youngsters lol.
He is not really an ex.. just somebody that I was hooking up with for 3 years.. we met every week then it became less and less, but I was happy just seeing him… he got a girlfriend and I had arguments with him and her and he changed his numbers and blocked me on everything.. I am so obsessed with him. I cant sleep I jump up at night and check his fb and ig page for any updates.. I honestly check his page and his girl friends page like every 10 minutes no joke to see if any updates… I cant see anything but pics they post which makes me so upset to see him sleeping with her… I cant stop don’t know what to do and how to feel happy without him…
I’ve done the same thing for the past couple months on stalking every 10 min or so at nighttime have lost sleep over it I finally blocked her and her kids ,her new man ,I can’t keep doing this it’s making me crazy I’m on day two of blocking all of them , hopefully time and not seeing her will help . Sorry your going through this it’s not easy I know your not alone , I wish you luck in your new journey of life
I’m so glad I found this. I just had an ex by my ex and the urge is so great but the last time I checked he felt like he found the right woman after leaving us. Stalking him on Facebook put me in a bad space made me feel like I’m worthless… I still i feel that way.
I needed to read this article and comments so badly. Thank you! I broke up with my ex nearly three months ago because he cheated on me (PLUS we were in an LDR when it happened. Big red flag). It’s been almost a month and a half since I’ve cut off all communication with him (I was foolish enough to try and continue our relationship and it got too painful for me because the trust wasn’t there anymore).
I would beat myself up for stalking him online, and I hate this habit so much. But one thing I’ve learned is not to be so hard on yourself. Forgive yourself for your momentary lapse, understand that it’s just a habit, and work toward breaking it. Stalking will only hurt you. I obsess over the girls he interacts with as well as him, and the scary part is that I realized that I was starting to feel my self esteem drop. I kept reopening the scars of the relationship when I could have been over it. Stalking him prevented me from moving on with new friends and I remind myself that it could cause me to miss out on a great guy I recently met.
It’s not that I’d ever take my ex back, and I don’t love him anymore. It’s just that I’m under a false idea that I NEED to know everything going on in his life. Maybe it’s from the trauma of the breakup, but I know it’s not healthy and seeing this article is helping me so much. Exes don’t deserve to have that kind of control over you! I am free.
Just read your comment and I’m going through the exact same thing!! We had a long distance relationship, he cheated on me during a period in which we were constantly fighting, I tried to forgive him, but obviously couldn’t believe a word coming out of his mouth!! Now I haven’t seen him in 3 months and I ve been stalking his Facebook page since the day we broke up, only to find out that he is dating a girl that liked him, while he reassured me that there was nothing going on with this girl. I was so depressed and devastated that I couldn’t even eat properly for a while. And then one day I woke up, I looked myself into the mirror and realized that I hated the person I’d become. I finally realized that I had allowed him to be the most important person in my life while this spot belonged only to myself! So I deleted Facebook, Instagram etc apps from my phone and after a week of no stalking I realized that I didn’t even missed him. The thing behind the stalking were my self esteem issues created by this breakup which were what I had to work on! So I started by going out, tried to use my phone less, went shopping etc. now you may find these things stupid and meaningless but I have to say that these were the first step I took towards loving and setting as a priority myself! I’m in a much better place now after 3 months of suffering and I’m dating a really nice guy that I was turning down before just because I couldn’t stop thinking my ex! So I guess what I couldn’t see back then is that i should have taken care of myself first, just like he did. But I am in a much better place now and it’s nice knowing that there are people out there going through the same stuff as I am! Stay strong and love yourself as much as you can!! We are free 🙂
@ Shan! Thank you for your post. I just went through a breakup about three weeks ago and it’s been very difficult. I deleted my FB account last year and also got rid of Instagram several months ago so it makes it so much more easier to NOT cyber stalk. I try to find ways to occupy my time, laugh a lot and focus on other things that are important to me but it still hurts like hell. All I will say is it’s so hard to not hurt when it’s someone you’ve loved since you were a child and to see first hand the person they’ve become is no longer that person you knew who had a good heart is devastating.
I’ve had a persistent obsession with my significant other for about four years, we’ve never been a couple but developed some sort of relationship and mutual connection, on/off hot/cold type of relationship. Anyway, we’ve both many times come to conclusion it’s better to just let go because we were so different etc and i tried many times to pull the plug on this but either him or myself always reconnected via fb or text messages, in april however after some pretty tumultous clash i decided to take radical measures against and blocked him on fcb. I did it also because i was really fed up with everyday stalking him. First month it went smoothly, i thought about him but felt no need to stalk him or contact him whatsoever, i just felt somehow he’s unattainable for me now. Unfortunately after a couple of weeks all of a sudden i felt unbearable need to know how he’s been doing and i unwisely unblocked him. I thought initially: man, i bet he misses me as strongly as i miss him, but judging by his posts he’s been having a great time without me in his life and seemed totally unconcerned about being pushed away by me. And i felt immediately devastated, really really bad. Moreover i figured out he had begun dating someone and that was it. I thought during this blocking him that it would take maybe a month to fully recover to being able to go to his profile and feel nothing but i just failed miserably at this. I ended up falling back into bad habits: stalking him and feeling obsessed over him and it makes me feel miserable and pathetic but i just can’t help it. I’ve run out of ideas how to put him permanently out of my mind and leave this behind me.
Thanks for this post, i just check his fb and soundclound and i realize he is very in love with someone else, it feels like before. All the pain came back to me and i feel worthless. So my advice and my purpose is do not do that again!!!! because it huts a lot and i feel no matter in the world i am my desperation will follow me, i feel i never will be happy again. I am now a very sad person with any desires for living. I just wish some happiness in my life.
ok.. so I am married, and reconnected with my college crush on Facebook
it has been 20 years..
he never married.. but has a son
he is now stalking me on FB as i constnatly see him in my messenger column at the very top..yet he never ‘Like’ any of my posts and we don;t really communicate.
i still do have feelings for him too..
i tried to communicate and be friends ( we live on 2 different continents)
and exchanged a few e-mails here and there
but all of a sudden..
he stopped answering..
while still stalking me on FB
why is that?
and what does he want?
I just want to say that this page and all of its comments mean so much to me. It’s so stupid. I know. How can a mere article and anonymous comments ever bring comfort, but I’m in such a deep dark place getting over my ex. It’s SO hard. I recently moved to a new part of the country and have no close friends or family I can call upon on. He has all he’s ever known in his home town. It’s the worst feeling. It’s so bad.
“Now this is something that can destroy you in the beginning. I found myself thrown right back to the bottom of my recovery journey, with all its symptoms: panic attacks, deep despair and depression.”
This really resonated with me. It feels good to know others are going through the same thing I am. To anyone else fighting this awful awful feeling and recovering from a bad breakup, stay strong. You’re not alone.
I just blocked my ex who broke up with me months ago, prior to my this move; day and night I stalk her, wondering what she’s up to or what’s going on with her. Thank you for posting this. I hope in time, we’ll both heal; But in the meantime I believe this is what’s best for the two of us.
Stay strong Mina. As I said in a previous comment, the compulsion to just take a peek at the FB account is so overwhelming. First thing upon waking, just another at lunchtime. When you arrive home, one last before you sleep. It truly is an addiction and it rules your life as surely as any drug. It is an insanity which we all must come to terms with… like any other addiction… One day at a time.
Sadly I have been looking up my ex on social media and I realised that it just prolongs the pain. It was like an addiction which I had to stop. Finally I blocked him and decided to come off Facebook and when I now have the urge to look him up on over networks I remind myself how much suffering I am causing and that I need to focus on my recovery. Instead I look up articles like this one to remind me to stay on track ☺ .
how is it going now did you heal and move on or is the urge still present ?
If you don’t want to unfriend or block him just unfollow him so you won’t get updates. Then, you can just download a Chrome extension which block websites and block his webpage.