“If you were happy with the wrong person, imagine how happy you’ll be with the right one.”
People who try to move on after a breakup often face one big obstacle that they aren’t even aware of:
It’s what I call the “Love Barrier.”
Please let me explain.
How Your Love Is Prolonging Your Pain
After the breakup, you'll find yourself sitting home alone, trying to make sense of everything. Your Ex has probably moved on already (maybe even during your relationship with them, and you had no idea), and now they expect that you will just stop loving them and live your life.
I don’t have to tell you how incredibly hard that is — as if you could just flip a switch and un-love them like that!
Yet if you don’t, the love you feel will sabotage your healing efforts. Because everything you try to do to recover will be nullified by that one all-absolving sentence:
But I love him/her so much.
The “Love Barrier.”
How Do You Know If You Really Still Love Your Ex?
If you poke around a little and put your “love” under the microscope, you may discover a disturbing truth:
It may not all be pure unconditional love that you feel at this moment.
Maybe you feel “selfish love” instead.
Selfish love creates this fear of loneliness, egoism, lack of self-esteem, and a belief that you can’t make it alone.
It’s what makes you social media-stalk, beg, plead, and harass them.
This isn’t at all what real love looks like.
Real unconditional altruistic love gives your Ex space.
It’s what makes you wish them the best, even if it’s without you in their lives.
It’s the “let them fly; if they come back to you, they’re yours” mentality.
It’s the strength you receive from the certainty that you have loved and were loved in return.
It helps you move forward after a breakup.
You say that doesn’t sound right? That it’s all B.S.?
Then rest assured that there are selfishness and egoism mixed in with the love you feel.
“Where does this come from?” you may ask.
It’s founded in the self-limiting belief that we aren’t worthy.
See? I knew it, why would s/he be with ME?
It comes from the lizard-brain-induced fear that says that you cannot survive on your own. You might get torn apart by wild animals.
So, ask yourself:
Do I REALLY love my Ex that much, that I can’t do what is necessary to heal and move on?
Can I really not follow the No-Contact Rule?
The Solution: 3 Steps to Move On While You Still Love Them
Based on what we have discussed above, you can tear down the “Love Barrier” by following three steps:
1. Open up to the possibility that it’s not just “love” you feel but also fear, panic, and selfishness.
Depending on how long ago your breakup was, whether you have idealized this relationship, and your overall view on “romantic love,” this may be painful to realize.
Ask yourself the following questions:
What do I really feel for them?
Were they really as perfect as I remember them?
Can I come up with a list of 10 things that I hated about them?
Write that list.
2. They’re gone. Allow that to sink in.
I’ve said it so many times:
If they could walk away from you, then let them go. Don’t try to change their mind, don’t ask them to come back.
If they had the strength, decisiveness, and motivation to leave you, the best thing for you to do is to accept it.
Everything else will lead to pain and prolonging the suffering.
Acceptance is the first step to seeing significant improvement after your breakup, and you should make it your top priority to reach it.
Consciously choose thoughts that will help you accept the reality of the breakup and all that comes with it.
3. Convince yourself that there’s nothing wrong with you.
The truth is, you are attractive, compassionate, unique, funny, sexy, intelligent, and talented, and there are millions out there who would be happy to be with you.
The problem is, you may not realize that (especially after the breakup) because you are so busy creating and wallowing in your destructive self-narrative.
You have created this false story about yourself, and you convince yourself daily that this is the way it is.
I know what I’m talking about, because I did that extensively after my breakup, up until a complete loss of self.
That’s the reason that at the moment, you are unable to say your Ex, You don’t want to be with me anymore? You don’t have to, I’ll find someone who’s worthy of my love. Goodbye!
You are living a lie.
So, re-write your story. You are the hero. And you don’t chase someone who doesn’t want you. You are confident, you smile, and you feel attractive.Re-write your story. You are the hero. And you don’t chase someone who doesn’t want you.
Let that confidence sink in and become a part of who you are.
Conclusion: Is It Okay to Still Love Your Ex?
We use the “Love Barrier” to shield ourselves off from the things that could lead to losing our Ex. We “love” them so much; that's why at the beginning, we don’t want to get over them.
But the surprising truth is that our “love” has layers. Not all of it is altruistic; parts are of egotistical nature. Your subconscious will do everything to survive.
The solution, and how you destroy that obstacle, is awareness, acceptance of the status quo, and re-writing the story that is YOU.
This way, you can connect to the honest love you feel for them, because it’s an extension of the love you feel for yourself.
It will give you strength, increase your self-appreciation, and ultimately, help you move on.
Remember, you are not who you think you are — you are so much better.
(If you need help with this, please consider joining our free daily breakup-newsletter.)