I must have heard this often used consolation phrase a thousand times back then.
In fact, I heard it so often that it made me sick every time.
Why?
Because it did not offer me any comfort.
It just gave me a small peek into an uncertain future.
Which phrase am I talking about?
The advice that is given most often at the beginning of a relationship breakup:
“Time will heal all wounds… eventually.”
When you suffer from a breakup or divorce, all you want is INSTANT release, not a remotely possible outlook.
You're not open to things that may happen in 2 years. Your pain is NOW, and it's very real.
Unfortunately, this advice does not offer any release.
The only advice that really helped me in the very beginning of my breakup, (two days after), came from a close friend wanting to give me comfort.
He just said that all of this must be a mistake and that she will come to her senses eventually. “After all,” he said, “you were about to get married.”
Man, that made me feel better.
I felt magnificent …
For about two hours. Then reality caught up with me.
The pain was there again in all its cruelty.
It was then that I understood that I had to go through this, as cruel as this thought might have been.
I had to endure this excruciating pain, and there was nothing that could save me from that.
We must be aware of 3 things during the FIRST days after a breakup or divorce (the pre-phase of a break up):
1. There is nothing that can make the pain go away in an instant
There is no magic pill or spell.
There is nothing that anyone could say or do to make your pain disappear completely in an instant.
Even if your girl/boyfriend came back, (which happens very rarely), there will be a scar, and the relationship is seldom as it were before.
Sadly, that's a fact.
People you meet will feel helpless.
They will give advice, consolation or some stories they've heard or experienced before.
But none of this will help you very much in the first days of your break up.
The pre-phase is mostly shock and panic. It's critical to know that.
2. Panic is a powerful emotion
Panic is overwhelming.
Panic doesn't let us see anything else – we are completely caught up in it.
Panic is a strong emotion that is hardwired into us.
It would save Early Man from getting eaten by a sabertooth, but today it has lost its purpose.
It has become a negative emotion, which takes away control from us.
That's what leads to the possibility of chasing, pleading, begging, phoning, emailing or harassing your Ex.
Know that what you are experiencing at the beginning of the break up is mostly panic:
The panic that you won't be able to survive alone.
It is the feeling of a small child finding themselves alone and abandoned in a big city.
It's an “emotional chain reaction” as I call it: it triggers the cycle of negative thoughts which leads to more suffering.
If you are experienced in mental control and meditation, you can break this process right from the beginning.
For now, just remember:
In the beginning, it is not love or missing the person – it's not even real emotional pain – it's just panic.
It's easier to deal with it if you know where it's coming from.
3. You are NOT thinking straight
Don't trust yourself and your judgment in the early stages of your breakup or divorce. It is very likely that you don't see the situation as it is.
In most cases, you WILL know if the break up is definite or not. If it is, then this is all you need to know.
Don't worry about reasons, possibilities, new relationships, etc.
Just survive.
Be aware that the goal in the first days/weeks after a break up is to control the panic and the fear.
Meditation and Mind Control is a good way to start, (you will find help on this site).
When you have survived the pre-phase, you have to face the first phase:
Acceptance.
On your way through the different phases, the arduous path of breakup recovery, you will be aware of a particular fact eventually.
Something that you never thought would be possible in the beginning:
Time DOES heal all wounds … and the same time NOT (more on this later).
And with it comes a new, better, stronger and more independent YOU.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
Your advice is great and I will try to follow it. My ex and i am offically broken up for 2 weeks now after 3yrs. I say officaly because we lived together and that’s how long its been since I moved out. In the earlier part of August things started going downhill and we never rose from that. There was a time when I still lived there and we tried but it just wasn’t the same. I thought we were slowly getting somewhere but at the end of October he said it wasn’t working anymore. He never was home anymore and we barely talked at all. I guess it was over from then I just didn’t see it. He just came home to bathe and sleep. Since I moved I’ve been contacting him and it was all the same. He kept blaming me and telling me if I had done this and that things would be different and he was ready to marry me and how I’m not what he is looking for and how I need to improve on myself. Just monday which was the last time we talked I got tired of it. Everytime we spoke that was his story. Then he flipped the script he wasn’t good enough for me and he was holding me back….etc….IT’S ALL MY FAULT!!! He kept saying he dosen’t want it to be this way but it has to????? I decided not to call anymore. All this time i was the only one trying to make things work but he never tried.
I agree with you, Eddie. Time does in fact heal all wounds. Nobody likes to WAIT for this “time” to pass, but coming to terms with the fact that there is no other choice can be helpful. I broke up with my ex 4 months ago. We have kept in contact here and there ( I just came across your website yesterday and boy oh boy have I been breaking all your rules!) and talked about getting back together. But then I would be strung along and we wouldn't end up getting back together because he “wasnt ready”. You are 24 years old…when are you going to be “ready” and grow up? Every day I wake up (after having no more contact with him!!!) I feel stronger. I will never completely forget all the memories (good and bad) and some of the feelings associated with them, but as time goes on, those memories and feelings become less prominent and I can move forward. I know in a month from now I'll be stronger than I am at this very minute. That makes me excited because I can imagine how good I will feel and continue to feel. I don't regret my relationship with my ex because it was all a learning experience. I just know that I CAN get through the breakup and I WILL be okay. Just keep your head up and remember every day is a new day. Start your healing process now.
@DCnative – DCnative i am sorry man. It has to be cut off. You must do it. My relationship just ended a month ago, people are schocked when i tell them that “no since the day we broke up we have not talked or made any contact since” its hard, heartbreaking, lonely and challenging but the reality is your not alone. Im going through it. I loved her, i feel it even deeper now that she is gone, but what good would it do if i tried to be friends or stay in touch. I will not heal. and i will not be stronger for it. because some night i would probably collaspe and try to get her back. But ive stayed away. It is hard, i feel a huge void in her wake, but it is slowly closing…i force myself out, and sociallize, i think about her everyday. Follow the wise advice on here.
You could never even have a relationship with her again if you do not break away, become yourself again and really focus on what went wrong. What are your needs? You have them and im sure some were unmet. Ultimately if you break off and no contact you will develop strength and perhaps someday that strength will help another in a need as dire as yours.
Best of luck my friend
use this website it is wonderful
and write to others
-Chief
Thanks alot Eddie, for the great advice. My girl broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. Its been an emoational rollercoaster. I love her dearly and want her back but the more time that goes by and nothing has changed the more I start to realize that we most likely wont be together again. And this is killing me inside. I thought I was starting to get over her, accepting the breakup, especially since we have been talking as friends. But sometimes talks too me like we are still in a relationship and other times she acts like my buddy. There are even time when she just doest contact me at all. This has made it harder for me to get over her because of the back and forth treatment that she’s giving me. It hurts me too do this but I may have too loose all contact with her.
thanks eddie, this is amazing advice, you’ve helped me so much through my breakup…
When someone dumps you get a distraction, any distraction at all that makes you feel good not bad.
You don’t have to stay with the pain, work through the feelings or follow a grieving process if you don’t want too.
You can switch it off, switch them off and pitch your attention into somethign that really is happening and that positive and is present.
I disagree with everyone who says “never rebound into someone elses arms” Whys the hell not, it feels a lot better than sitting snivelling and feeling unwanted, unworthy, and like a victim of someone else.
So someone doesn’t want to be with you, there will be plenty of others who will, go and find someone to have fun with. Nothing gets a man or woman over being dumped like being found amusing, sexy, attractive and interesting.
There is time to miss the other person, do it in between dates with the new one.
If she can not forgive a little mistake… Then that should red flag!!!!! and You need to run……
Because she will never forgive nor forget and that is doom in any relationship
I said something stupid to my girlfriend and I meant nothing by it but I said something like if I were not with here and saw her and her friend on the street I would approach her friend first instead of her and now that after apologizing profusely she still has insecurities regarding this matter. I do not know how to make amends and are relationship is on the brink of a break up. I love her very much and I happened to make a stupid mistake and cannot get her back to the way we were before.
@Beth – Beth, i have been in very similar position! Y
To get him out of your mind, you need to remove,destroy or store away everything that reminds you of him! If there is a day that you cannot help yourself, take a look at old pics, gifts ect BUT put it away again. DELETE emails/ text messages from him, also delete him from myspace/facebook if you keep checking his profile, it may be hard at first but you will be to see the usefulness of this as time goes by.
Be strong and just do it all in the same day.
Then ,make a list of why the relationship couldnt work and ACTUALLY DIDNT. Clearly there are many. Take a look at it everytime you miss him.
Also make a list of some mistakes you made in the relationship and how you would act differently in the future, for future relationships.
You get what you ask for in life and if you dont acknowledge that you deserve better treatment you will never get it. Thats why its important to analyse the mistakes you made in the relationship, and why you stayed with him despite everything.
Then go out and expand your horizons and find your identity again! Avoid places things you use to do together. What do YOU want to do that he was never interested in? Go to new places and make new friends! Develop different interests and find yourself again. How about salsa dancing, pole dancing classes, taking up a sport, traveling, voluteer work at an animal shelter, or anything else that could be fun and make you feel good about yourself!
Its time to rebuild your confidence.
NOT EVERYTHING LEADS TO HIM, in fact there are so many paths that dont , but you choose to stay on the only one that does….
Good luck, and let me know how it goes….
The key here is to be PROACTIVE. It was not time that helped me forget, but rather sheer effort on my part.
5 weeks into my break up. I dumped him because I felt like he only told me he loved me, but actually treated me like shit (a piece of good looking meat infront of his friends etc.), yet I made the worst mistake asking him to take me back two weeks later because I felt valueless without him, miserable and hated not having his life in mine anymore, but he said no. Now Ive cut of contact, realizing how the break up was a learning curve for me, that I can survive without him and dont need to be so relyant on him for my happyness.
However the problem is that I seriously can not stop thinking about him!
I want him out of my life, yet everything leads to him, I keep telling myself time will make me forget, but 24/7 he’s on my brain, and I cant stop it!
Any advice?
I too failed to follow the NO CONTACT rule. I left a comment on this site on the 23rd and was really thinking that I was making progress. I undid all of that by taking a phone call. Why did I answer?! I’m almost back to the very beginning now. I feel like I’m dying. I know it will get better but right now it just hurts so bad…
I failed to follow the NO CONTACT rule very well and now I am stuggling all over again. I’m coming out of a 5 year relationship involving my partner cheating…nothing can hurt more. I’m two weeks into it and still feel like I’m going crazy.
This site has been such a blessing. I’m 2 weeks into a breakup. Some days I think I’m doing so well and then out of the blue I get blind sided by sadness. Still unable to eat and I can’t sleep through the night but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Time does heal. Until then, we have to make the best of the situation and take care of ourselves so this does not ruin us. Funny how the heart plays tricks on you. You know in your mind that you will be okay eventually but your heart makes you feel like you are going to die.
thanks a lot mate…..you saved my life
I agree with the last two people. This article has really helped me. I now know that I am panicking and not thinking straight. It’s just nice to know that there IS someone out there who understands the pain of a break up and can help our wounds heal. Thank you!!!
This article somewhat helps me to think about the situation I’m facing. Thank you for the advice because I know I’m not thinking straight right now.
This is excellent advice. I wish I had been told this in previous occasions, when I really did think I was going crazy because of the pain. Thank you.