Time heals all wounds.
At least, that's what they tell you when you mention that you've been dumped recently (along with giving you that look).
But, does time really heal the wound brought to you by a breakup or divorce?
I think that this is a common misunderstanding.
Time would not heal anything if it didn't force you to go through a certain process.
Time is the medium; you do the healing.
Time does heal to a certain degree, but the wounds are not healed adequately, let alone completely if you don't contribute anything to the healing process yourself.
Time makes you forget, but your problems are still there. Hidden, but present.
Conscious Healing
Is a break up painful? I know it is.
Are you amplifying your pain by improper behavior? Well, let's see.
For efficient and in-depth healing you have to take a “conscious healing” approach.
That's what I am teaching in my coaching.
Someone said to me lately that she is doing nothing special to overcome her divorce. Just waiting for time to heal it.
What could she do about it anyway?
There are a lot of things you could do to start the “conscious healing.”
A conscious healing approach means that you have to make efforts, like do exercises and shift your state of mind, as opposed to doing nothing, letting the time to work for you.
Before you start with exercises because you don't feel like you need to at the beginning, why not change the few things that directly influence your wellbeing in a negative way?
Why is your Break-Up or Divorce killing you?
There is a typical behavior pattern that you see over and over again. People are so overwhelmed by their pain (particularly in the beginning of the break up), that they willingly or unwillingly, drift into certain manners.
What are these manners and how are they contributing to your pain?
Please read on.
7 Ways you are Amplifying your Pain
Listed below are the main reasons why people are suffering from a relationship break up more than they should in the first months.
This, of course, also implies that when you stop doing these certain things, you will feel much better.
You could call this “indirect healing,” because it doesn't take a direct initiative, just a change in thinking.
This is much easier, as the first phases of a breakup are characterized by a paralyzing lethargy.
(MORE: The 7 New Stages of Grief After a Breakup)
Sounds good?
So, let's start:
1. Neglecting the Body's Needs
I know you don't feel like eating (or some of you eat way too much).
I know you don't want to go jogging. But believe me, you make it worse if you neglect the simple needs of your body.
If you are not a friend of healthy cuisine, try at the least to maintain your eating habits that you've had before your break up or divorce.
Never stop working out, jogging or taking part in the sports you used to do.
If you suffer from mental pain, there is no reason to carry it over to your body.
2. Continual Mental Reasoning
I know that you rethink the past events over and over again.
It's almost like a compulsion. You think that maybe you were missing something and if you relive the breakup, then it would make sense eventually.
You have to realize one thing: It is not your obligation to suffer!
This vicious cycle of thought is one of the main reasons for your suffering. You must break out of it.
Distraction and mental-control through meditation are the keys to getting over this blocker.
3. Isolation
Never isolate yourself for better suffering.
Call all your friends, make appointments, so that you don't have to spend a minute alone. Go sporting, go on vacation, meet people.
Action is the key.
Isolation gives you time to think. Thinking is bad for you now.
4. Trying to Get Your Ex Back
Hope is a very dangerous thing. At least in a breakup.
There are no rules whether it is possible to get your Ex back or not.
But I strongly advise you to accept the fact that the relationship is over, rather than to try to get back your Ex despairingly.
If you really want to get your Ex back (chances are that you will not with time), then your odds will be much higher when you become a stable personality again.
5. High Ex-Attachment
It is very important that you clean up your place from all the things which remind you of your Ex.
Put all the photos, CDs, letters, gifts in a big box and hide it in the cellar. Don't throw it away; you might regret this one day.
I cannot emphasize the importance of this enough.
Another very vital factor to your healing is the no-contact rule.
Once you know that it's over and there is no more business you have to do regarding the divorce or break up, you should cut off the contact to your Ex completely.
No phone calls, no e-mails, no text messages. Don't go to the places you could meet accidentally.
Believe me, it's for your own good, and this is the only way.
6. Taking No Charge
You have to realize, especially at the beginning, that it's yourself who is responsible for your healing and happiness.
Your Ex does not cause your pain, you do it to yourself with the mindset that you need your Ex to be happy.
Your Ex is not responsible for your happiness!
If you consciously take charge and realize that it's only you who can make a change, then you've made the first step towards a happier life.
7. Self-Punishment
There is something I regularly observe when working with clients:
Most break-up victims have an affinity for suffering, a self-induced compulsion to feel the pain.
It is almost like “Oh, this is a breakup, so I have an obligation to suffer!”.
Trying to break out of this mindset is not easy and causes feelings of guilt. This is the vicious cycle mentioned in no. 2.
Simply resist the compulsion to listen to “your song,” to look at mutual photos, to watch those heart-killing movies, to talk to or stalk your Ex.
Do not torture yourself. Resist!
I know that you may think that these things are your last connection to your Ex, but believe me when I say: all they cause is pain.
You have a right to be free and feel good. It's your choice.
Conclusion
The first months of a breakup or divorce are tough. There is no motivation for doing anything, not to mention working on self-improvement.
The knowledge of certain behavior patterns which cause pain comes in handy.
Avoiding these mistakes cuts off a good part of your arduous journey which lies ahead.
Then you will gain the power to take the “conscious healing” approach and not only survive your break up but gain so much more.
That is the prize which makes all the suffering worthwhile.
Your friend,
Eddie
NC day 6 (7days ago dumped) I think Im done crying nowat least the constant crying I DONT want to suffer Im too old to keep going thru this crap..43 divorced and behind me a zillion breakups but only a few serious ones..the first tore me apart for 10 yrs this one now has left me feeling blindsided and so sad this was so real non obsessive non rebound true honest stable content feelings of love and now Ive been so angry but even that has lessened..He was awesome, I loved him truly I need to accept and let him go..acceptance is coming, I feel it it taking over it may take a while, everytime i think I want to contact him in anyway when i read the angry letter it reminds me then I come back to this site and it all makes so much sense…NC is for me…and for him even if I dont like it. I have to take care of me, who else will? if i dont love me and help myself who really will? we are all alone on some level traversing this earth. We love and are loved but our experiences are ultimately ours and alone. So love yourself dont let the breakup kill you.
The feeling is like death in the family but I know this too shall pass. I finally broke it off with my son father due to a reoccurring problem of his cheating on social networking websites. It has been a stormy 10 years. Emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and physical abuse I endured thru the years. Financial abuse. Its funny that this cheating was the straw that broke my back after everything I went thru. I know its all for the better and I know where I messed up. I was a young kid when we hooked up, 18 years old, who was for the most part pretty up front and honest about things. I used to expect the same from other people I met.  I have learned that all people are not necessarily good and honest. At least with their intentions. I took him as an honest person and I trusted and believed the things he said. I am 28 years old now. I have a 9 yr old son with this man. He had a lot of red flags that I missed or ignored due to my low self esteem, history of being abused, and low self worth. I disclosed my true honest past of being abused with him and he used it against me over the years. I am trying to be strong because all this is fresh like a week and a half if even that. Today I go to pick up my son and there is already a woman leaving the apt. I could have died! I was out of breath. I picked up my son and cried in the car for a while as I could not hold it in. My child never saw the woman as the kids (yes he has more kids) were in the back room but I was still shocked at how recent women are coming around now and the fact that this chick was a neighbor of ours at one point. I suppose this was alerting me to the fact that this was going on the whole time. I need counseling because I really have some issues that I dont think the standard  breakup checklist alone can help me with. The problem now is finding affordable counseling for a single mother in my condition. My son and I live with my mother now and I am unemployed. I cant afford a therapist but I am dealing with abuse issues and self esteem depression and I need real help putting my life back together. I live in Northern California….
idk what is this feeling.. may be just like mentioned above..
im out of contact frm my ex since 11 months i guess..i was fine in between.. i moved on i guess..i even talkd with a new guy in chat.. good.. so just made exclusive relationship.. but i dont think im in love with this one.. i dont get the real feelings i used to get.. The problem is there is a thing haunting me every second..(i got pregnant with dat ex *and aborted but deep inside i wanted dat baby.. (im 20 only but it doesnt matter my age cant handle a kid, see ive even have huge ego…every human has) this things is haunting me alot.. everywhere i go i miss the fact i lost a part of me(forcefully) idk what da hell my ex is doing… afer abortion i had to left that country… so i’m 1000 miles far from ass!… but here now there’s a new guy met thru internet (hes good ok) but i cant make myself OK or fine i dont know what.. i feel empty seriously.. just like you mentioned devastated. 🙁 help… i cant even share this with friends.. they are like what its your fault loving dat guy making bf and all but how i feel may be you Know .. Help me 🙁 i cry sometime without anyreason crying over the fact something is missing in me.. may be i miss him alot but i dnt want to.. he aint worth i have realized but somehow i cant make my self ok when i want to. 🙁 help me what do i do..
i go out work /shoppping and all i miss him in me. I see babies(new born) rips my heart feeling more worst! not having what i wished.Moreover the person is not with me. ( i cant even talk about this to the new guy hope fully i wont even cant) i did tried to make my self busy so i did at the end of the day i’m not happy just empty .. help eddie 🙁
HI DarkAngel, welcome to the community.
Please check out these two articles:
https://lovesagame.com/the-secret-how-to-get-over-a-break-up/
https://lovesagame.com/no-contact-help-how-to-fight-the-urge-to-contact-your-ex/
I looked at this article about 20 days into my break up, at that time I didn't really care about making things better, I almost loved the pain I was drenching myself in, but I convinced myself that if I don't move forward I'll just fall behind cause the world isn't going to wait for me! So, I wrote the key points of this list down and I got to action. In the following weeks they were my bible, I followed as many as I could and kept them with me to look at when I was a little lost about what to do some days.
I'm now around 47 days into the break up and surprisingly, I've completely stopped/avoided 1,3,4,5,6,7 now! 2 I'm still working on, cause I'm a very analytical person and it's hard for me not to think, I sometimes catch myself thinking of the past and cut an end to it though.
Thank you Eddie. Would've taken me a LOT longer to pick myself back up if I hadn't found this article at the right time.
Thank you Sarah, I am happy you are doing better.
Ive been suffering from breakup this past 2 months ago.i thought i forgot him already coz i can smile and once in a while date other guys already,but i reealize everytime i see places and do things we did together i still remember him and felt so pain every time..he left me without saying anything..sms or even a short goodbye we dont have..he left me hanging and sometimes still hoping he buzz me and give closure to our relationship..but dont have..im tired lying to myself that i move on but im not..
i think your information was just what i was looking for and i thank you very much,as i am traped in a bad relationship and have a child with her and a child with another person from the past,she has two of her own,i'v been with her for 7 years and its been a nightmare since we had a baby together.she give up entirly and i just feel so alone.she sleeps on the couch an i sleep in bed,she dose no house work and degrades the children.i have studied everthing and it makes it worse cos i can see it more,but whatever i say just makes maters worse.she has no love and very thik skin.
i was with a girl for 1 year and 5 months and was long distance relationship and we didnt see much but we was soo much in love, even tho was hard, we did alot and we was so close we talked bout future together and stuff. but now she broke up with me cause she said was too far and she got a new bf but said if i cud see her we be together, like she needs to be held and cuddled and i couldnt do that for her. but as months went on since break up she wishes was with me still cause he isnt as great and sweet like me but last week she feels his the one not me nomore and sayin she fell out of love for me.. i really dont understand how all this happened, i wish she was honest when she left and didnt give me false hope after break up, im not mad at her im just so hurt cause i thought she was the one for me and i love her sooo much and i wish i was with her now but i feel she does have feeling for me cause how we was and things said when with him but my love is ruining our friendship and she says she cares bout me alot and wants me happy, as been times where we get closer and she hides her feelings for me cause of him (well what i feel), but shes hates how i am or act, and if she mad at me or bit annoyed she say sorry everytime and i seen how people break up we wasnt mean or argued, i just dont know what to do, many of my friends dont understand or my family…. i still feel we have a future or am i just scared to let go? i could use some help please.
Hi! I think ur scared to let go. This post is old so i'm not sure where ur at with ur feelings etc now but it seems to me with all that distance you both should be with people u can see and hug. U deserve that too.
ok, it's been over 72 hours of no contact from me to him…except he sent me a bunch of pics from our past to my email today…gggrrrrrr…..i only opened it to see what it was and then i sent it all to delete. i have spent all day agonizing over why and what it meant etc. driving myself crazy.i then did some facebook stalking and that didnt help a thing. he just looks so happy and together and i cant stand it. but then i read eddie's words on how his lack of love or interest cant control my own happiness. so now i am going to work on that . this is so hard. peace to all ya'll on this site….i know i am not the only one hurting.
Texasgirl, I am right there with you…trust me but my situation is beyond anyone;s comprehension and unconventional to say the least. Its very hard because these ppl were our rocks, they were what we relied on for things, even the smallest of things and now we are left to pick it up ourselves and even though this will make us a bigger and better person it just still hurts… ive had my share of burdens and this is the last thing i needed… you are not alone in this trust me. ,I have already spoken to him about how i feel and he is very receptive, he is not telling me he is not wanting to be with me but other factors are leading to it. I hate it… i want control over my emotions but i think it really does take its time but its the in between that hurts us… i know. Im starting to feel if i am ever going to find someone that can love me the way i can love them u know… i am already seeing a psychiatrist because it was too much for me to handle at one time (i had personal, health problems) so its scary and lonely… hang in there and we can relate to each other… be strong.
Thank you so much Eddie, your points really helped. Even though I knew most of this, it helped me tremendously to read it. Thank you.
Okay guys I need ur help! I will try to keep this as short as possible. I dated my ex for 9 years (engaged for 2 and at that time owned a home together) Im 25 now, yes we starting dating at 15! We split a year ago, but still have a lot mutual friends ( we all grew up together). He satrted dating our next door neighbour right after we moved out of our home in May of 2009 and continued to lead me on and sleep with me off and on until the end of July! I started dating someone else in September after I found out about him and the nieghbour at the end of July…way too early I know…and that relationship ended a couple of days ago (by my choice knowing that I have not let go of my ex-fiance and can’t give him what he needs from me, as much as he is a great man…I don’t want to hurt him any longer). He was a mutal friend of my ex-fiance and myself..even worse I know. So this complicate things even further. My ex was calling me around Christmas time telling me that he wanted to get back together and that he would spend his life proving to me that I could trust him, that he loved me and I completed him, etc…I said no becasue at the time I was in a relationship (keeping in mind he is still with the other women). Now I face a problem…he just bought a new house very close to my best friend (who is also engaged to his best friend)…and his gf is “living” with him. So I know that eventually she and my best friend will probably spend some time together and become friends because of how close the boys are. This kills me!!! She is replacing me and I hate it!!! She colored her hair the same as mine, bought the motorcycle that I was going to buy, and it sucks!!! He tells my best friend that he doesn’t see his relationship lasting with this women, but his actions show otherwise. they do everything together and are always together. I can get over the fact that she will eventually be doing all of the things that I used to do with the people I have loved and known all my life. She has already replaced me with his family and now is moving in on my friends!!! How do I accept it and comes to terms with it? I feel like I have lost him, and his family already…and soon I will have to face that my best friend and his new gf will be friends? It makes me want to puke. i think about it and get sick to my stomach. I cry about it at night and hope that it will never happen (knowing that she is already starting to come around and visit and hang out with the friends that aren’t as close to me anymore. How in Gods name am I supposed to do that??? Oh and the worst part is he “says” he is still in love with me! Also, we see eachother at events probably like once every few months. So far neither of us have taken our “partners” with us, so we haven’t had to deal with that yet. Thank God! What do I do? Let go of all of my friends that I have grown up with so I don’t have to be remined of the pain and hurt? Or do I try and deal with the fact that she is replacing me and that things are going to keep changing. It’s like one by one she is taking everything that I love away from me and loving every minute of it. Eventually I will be left with nothing and the people who are in the wrong will be able to contiue on with life as if nothing has happened. keeping the same friends and sharing the same great times together. I lose again 🙁 Please anyone who can help me I could use some advise.
Thank you so much Eddie, your points really helped. Even though I knew most of this, it helped me tremendously to read it. Thank you.
I am thankful to have found this website.
Has been 10 days not since I was broken up with and I am dying inside. His reasons, that he told me, are that he wants to die alone.
He has stage 3-4 heart failure, pacemaker dependent, on disability and his health has been declining for months now.
He told me he can not be in a relationship due to his declining health and when he broke up with me he told me all sorts of hurtful things, so I really do not know what to believe.
What happed to our love? We were so in love!
Sure I saw things over the almost 2 years we were together change, going from madly inl;ove to a more “setteled” relationship, did not think too much about it.
In retrospect, I see differently now.
I have to let him be, he told me he loves me, but is not inlove with me.
I think we are better together than apart, but I must respect his decision.
This is so painful, again I am dying inside, need to find out how to live again.
@hk – Dear Nate; I myself I am trying to look for some kind of closure.. Even if the outcome is one I do not want to hear.. But at least Something.. I do cry mysef cry myself to sleep wondering WHY??? I know there is no magic solution nor a magic potion one can take to make these feelings go away.. I wish youi the best sometimes closure comes from within.. one day it will be different..Kathleen
@Nate – Your situation sounds so much like mine…it acaully made me ask myself if i had already posted on this site. My relationship was only 3 years, but like yourself, we had many tribulations in our time together. Trust was our biggest hurdle and what evenually ended the relationship. We had both lied, cheated, and forgave so many times that it acaully seems like it happened every three months, but nevertheless i loved her with every ounce of my heart and i was willing to change anything and everything to make her happy with me. The problem was, she didnt want to change with me, she wouldnt meet me half way. I felt like the success or the failure of the relationship all rested upon my shoulders. We lived together for about a year and i truley beleive that to be our worst mistake of the entire relationship. Living together caused more problems than anything else…(or at least it ran a very close race with her parents) but we worke through it together and made it through it, She got her own place and our relstionship returned to normal (whatever that may be). To make a long story short, i thought our relationship was about to turn a new corner and improve. After a great weekend alone, just me and her, i thought everything was going to be fantastic, but Monday came around and after she got off from work, she went to a freinds house and everything fell completely apart. Shw wouldnt talk to me, she wouldnt answer my calls or texts or e-mails. I was totally confused, and growing more and more angry with every passing day. All i wanted was to talk, and try to understand what the problem was and when it occured, but she wouldnt let that happen. Shortly after, she blocked my number from her phone and blocked all other forms of communication with me. I still love her and care about her just as i did at the peak of our relationship, and i am still greatly confused and hurt. I feel like i at least deserve some sort of closure to all my efforts and time i gave to the relationship. I feel as if the last three years of my life were nothing but a waste. Its been about a month and a half since i last spoke to her (since the breakup occured). Its good to knowe im not alone, or that im not craqzy for still loving her and wanting to do all i can to be with her. It feels as if the entire world is out to keep us apart and maybe its for a good reason.
@Mariposa I agree with you in principle. There is a hard balance between telling all and using discretion. I like to think of a relationship as a marathon rather than a sprint. If we sprint it we spend every waking moment together, tell all our secrets to the neglect of others or our own interests. This is often the way it is in the honeymoon stage of a relationship. You know you are in this if you are skipping sleep, taking on the cell untl 3:am and walking around like a zombie at work the next day (floating yes, but tired too). If you think and get quickly to seeing a healthy relationship as a marathon instead I think it will help immensely.
In a marathon you take your time. You each have your own separate interests, friends, etc. Oh yes, you share many as well – but not all. That way.. when you come back together your relationship will be more hot and firey! You will have things to talk about and share! To me this is balance and helps with the TELL TOO MUCH TOO SOON problem. And honestly, something may not be wise to share, too quickly or ever! No one person care bear the burdens of another so also consider spreading that around a bit so you don’t wear your love interest or your friends out! Again.. balance is key and that is easy not to have when you are stressing about something major, or as you were, going through some tough stuff that would not last forever.
Lastly, guys especially too often are looking for Miss Perfect. Not always of course, but it seems more women than men tend to understand people better. I think that is true of you here Mariposa. Often women better seem to understand their men are not perfect nor will ever be. Men can’t seem to understand that about their women! If you read any of those Yahoo relationship articles they post from time to time you will read that a man would rather dump a woman (and fast!) then to be with ‘the wrong woman’! And in this day and age of hyperscared men and sometimes over sharing and overbearing women, men freak. Really they do. They WANT a nice girl that won’t give them grief and they, as you say, are overlooking reality that problems (for women) will pass. I could go on but will stop there.
And to go along with this modern men don’t deal with stuff. Or at least many (most?) do not. We tend to try to gloss over or avoid problems but that never really works so we do the freak out again a few weeks or months down the road in our relationships. If we had a past bad breakup (such as you read about here on Eddie’s pages) we bury that in our heads. Then, since we did not deal with it, when you act even a little like our ‘psycho-ex’ we want to bug out on you and run away! It is not right at all. Woment can have bad breaks up and things in their pasts too; but they deal with them – talk to friends or family, admit faults, seek counseling, etc. and usually take their time (vs. rebounding) so they are fairly healthy and healed and ready for the next guy.
Mariposa is right; being fearful in love is not good. But unless both parties are dealing properly with life, past and present – this will continue and cause more heartache. We all want a trusted, loving relationship; a safe place to land at the end of a hard week. But this is more intentional than we want to admit. Sure.. I want innocence and naivetity as well; but I think that only comes when I can look you in the eye and say: Hey, I am only human and I have my hurts too, let’s talk about them when the time is right for you and let’s also not talk about them all the time. I love you and want to know you and you me. And I want to share the fun and silly stuff and the magic as well. I want the whole package my dear and am not in a rush to demand it all today.
Life is about living and loving and hurting and healing together. I have an ex too and I am a man who is currently alone partly b/c of the fears addressed here today. But I am reading and dealing and talking to others so that maybe one day; I will be ready to have someone special again.
@Werewolf…It really saddens me to see people make statements like your “but the minute i spot that behavior in any prospective woman ive met i steer the hell clear of it!.” Some people really are sincere but things happen. My ex-fiance and I were an instant match but he was so quick to think ill of me and my intentions that there was absolutely nothing I could do to change his mind. He was unable to consider all of the other factors and things I was going thru, the fact that I was 100% honest and genuine with him at all times, or the fact that he was my first real love. Instead, he allowed that thinking to breed so much fear in him that there was no bringing him back to the reality of the situation. And it never had to be that way. Sometimes people do deserve the benefit of the doubt, sometimes women need to know that our men will fight to work things out with us, sometimes we just need patience to allow us to get thru a hard time. Whatever happened to really loving someone? What ever happened to being sincere and genuine? When it comes to matters of the heart, sometimes a bit of naivete may be helpful. I’m 28 y/o and although he was far from my first relationship, he was my first love.I would much rather go on with my innocence in tact than to allow myself to become jaded and fearful in love.
@lee –
I hope you are doing better. I just discovered this site. I, myself, have just started started phase one of the healing process. It has helped me immensely so far just by reading all the articles and experiences shared by other members. Thank you.
I know better days will lay ahead, but break ups never seem to get any easier, do they? For some reason, I get the sense that many of us here are male. Heart break is heart break, regardless of gender, however, I find that the longer the relationship lasted, the more difficult it is for the men when it finally comes to an abrupt end. For me, like trading stocks, or any investment, it takes a while to build confidence in the risk, but after a time, I inevitably become blind to the risks because of the emotional investments tied to it. My two cents.
@werewolf – your note couldn’t come at a better time. last night on a whim i called her. actually, to be honest, it was the first time i felt strong enough to do so. i’d been looking at her facebook page every day, but too stubborn to engage and delete it, i was torturing myself! still i could not resist looking. last night i saw something flirtatious from a mutual friend on her wall and that was it. none the less, i haven’t felt 100% healed, but definitely more in shape to deal with it than i have in the two months since the break up.
i called her… just to talk at first, but i started crying right off the bat. i said i thought i was ready to talk and didn’t expect to cry, but obviously was still upset. she said she could let me go. obviously still didn’t want to hear it a month later. after a bit of a struggle and insisting she give me space to speak and she hear me out, i basically just let out all of the hurt i was feeling about the break up. she had never given me the opportunity to talk about my feelings, and our other two conversations i acted falsely calm and surprised when she shut down my response.
well, this time i didn’t. she said some things such as “well i’m over the break up, sometimes it takes some people longer. i know it hurts. ive been there”. oh well, not like i needed to hear that from her!. she said she’d like to stay friends and catch up, but not if we had to talk about the break up. i said that i don’t feel closure and don’t feel ready for that.
i was crying the WHOLE time. she said she’d call me after some time/space and i told her that i was tired of her making all of the decisions. please don’t call me, ill call you in a few months when i am ready, i said. then i told her i would be deleting her on facebook for now. she said, okay, if that’s what i want. so i did it. pure panic took me over because it’s the ONLY way i have to see if she’d okay, but i think this one thing is keeping me holding on more than i should. and i don’t need to see her flirtation.
anyhow, i am in the pits today. haven’t gotten out of bed. i wonder if i did the right thing. i know everything on this site says not to say how you feel about your ex TO your ex, but without an in person break up, and two months passing, i was having trouble still. it definitely slowed down my healing process for now, but i’m wondering if it was the final move i needed to make to get her out of my life and move on.
@lee – hey, be easy on yourself. There is something about those individuals with bi-polar that make it so hard to manage your feelings with. Its the behavior of high-highs and low-lows, ya know. Barely any middle ground and often very cold behaviors. My experience with this was a woman who one day was just in LOVE with me, and made me fell so important and needed. A week later she would be depressed and cold, untouchable. She used me effectively for her highs and abused me with her lows. She really sucked the goodness out of me as i was totally controlled by her behavior. Years later looking back, i feel bad for that person i was-because it was such a dark and hurtful time. I left thinking i failed her and that i could never love so intensely like that again. Hardest time of my life, period. Took me year to get on my feet,but i did. Looking back that heartbreak made me a much more solid stronger person. She had somebody the first week we broke up! i had to climb a mountain to get back on my feet.
But she didnt learn, i did. my next realtionship was completely different, much deeper and more meaning. it did not work out but it was by far more fulfilling then that terrible relationship i had with someones emotions that were far to controlling and manipulative. I fell bad for her and wish her well, but the minute i spot that behavior in any prospective woman ive met i steer the hell clear of it! You will to.
Those types are very self serving and hurtful, once they’ve used you up for whatever there current reassuring need is, they move on and find another to do the same. meanwhile your left with the pieces of abroken heart and the terrible low self esteem basket they left on your front door.
In short, your beginning to see, you will see, and you will find a better love. Im sure of it. Your a good man for giving yourself unselfishly, you’ll temper that even better in the future and you will be rewarded. my best to you
take care
werewolf